All language subtitles for Ted_2_1

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Dora!

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(EXCLAIMS)

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Fagle!

Fagle!

Huh?

.

All right.
Hold still now.

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.

.

Mmm-hmm. Yes.

Well...
Oh, sorry.

No, thanks.

Well, you're
in good health.

So how's Judith
and the kids?

Good. Everyone's good,
you know.

Danny must be, what?
About to be bar mitzvahed?

Two weeks.

Well, mazel tov!

They grow up fast,
don't they?

Hmm...

Hmm...

.

Yeah, you put the...

.

(SIGHING)

That's right, you put the...

.

(SIGHS)

.

.

.

You following this?

Okay?

So...

This part is exciting.

So, am I right?

So, okay. So...

So, if that's that,
then we can do this.

And that's
Schrödinger's Paradox,
right?

Is the cat dead?

Or is the cat
not dead?

Messages,
Professor Gopnik.

Thank you, Natalie.

Oh, Clive, come in.

So, what can I do for you?

.
Dr. Gopnik, I believe
the results

of the physics midterm
were unjust.

Uh-huh? How so?

I received
unsatisfactory grade.

In fact, F,
the failing grade.

Yes. You failed the midterm.
That's accurate.

Yes, but that is not just.

I was unaware
to be examined
on the mathematics.

Well, you can't do
physics without mathematics,
really, can you?

If I receive
the failing grade,
I lose my scholarship,

and I feel shame.

I understand the physics.
I understand the dead cat.

But you can't really
understand the physics

without understanding
the math.

The math tells
how it really works.
That's the real thing.

The stories
I give you in class
are just illustrative.

They're like fables, say,
to help give you a picture.

I mean...

Even I don't understand
the dead cat.

The math is how
it really works.

Very difficult.

Very difficult.

Well, I'm sorry, but I...

What do you propose?

Passing grade.
No, no.

Or perhaps I can
take the midterm again.

I know now it cover
the mathematics.

Well, the other students
wouldn't like that,
would they?

If one student gets to
retake the test until
he gets a grade he likes?

Secret test.
No...

Hush-hush.
No.

That's just not workable.

I'm afraid we'll just
have to bite the bullet
on this thing, Clive...

Very troubling.

Very troubling.

ON PHONE:
Sy Ableman.

Hello, Sy.
Larry Gopnik.

Larry. How are you,
my friend?

Good. How you been, Sy?

Fine. Can
we talk, Larry?

What? You...
Uh...

Hello? Larry?

Call back!

Clive!

(PHONE RINGING)

That was Sy Ableman.

He said he
got disconnected.

ARTHUR: Out in a minute.

I gotta wash my hair.
I'm going out tonight.

ARTHUR:
I'll be out in a minute.

Jesus Christ!

Why is Uncle Arthur
always in the bathroom?

He has to drain
his sebaceous cyst.
You know that.

Will you set the table?

Why can't he do it
in the basement
or out in the garage?

I had 20 bucks in it,
too. Inside the case.

Twenty bucks?
How come?

Bought a lid
from Mike Fagle
a couple of weeks ago.

Still owed him 20.

He already
gave you the pot?

Yeah. But a couple
of weeks ago,
my funding got cut off.

Fagle said he'd pound
the crap out of me
if I didn't pay up.

What funding got
cut off? Where do
you get your money?

What happened?

Rabbi Turchik
took his radio.
Had money in it.

That fucker!

Yeah. I think he said
he was confiscating it.

He's a fucker.
Where do you
get your money?

Mike Fagle's
gonna kick his ass.

Last week
he pounded the crap
out of Seth Seddlemeyer.

He's a fucker!

Fagle or Seth Seddlemeyer?
They're both fuckers!

ARTHUR: Out in a minute!

Are you still in there?

ARTHUR: Yeah,
I'll be out in a minute!

Arthur!

ARTHUR: Yeah?
Dinner!

ARTHUR: Okay,
out in a minute!

We should wait.

Are you kidding?

Mr. Brandt keeps mowing
part of our lawn.

Does that matter?

What?

JUDITH: Is it important?

It's just odd.

Mom, how long
is Uncle Arthur
staying with us?

JUDITH: Ask your father.

Honey.

Honey.

Did you talk to Sy?

Sy?

Sy Ableman.
That's right, he called.
But I...

You didn't talk to him?
No.

You know the problems
that you and I
have been having?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, Sy and I
have become very close.

In short, I think
it's time that we start
talking about a divorce.

Sy Ableman?

This is not about Sy.

You mentioned Sy!

Don't twist my words,
Larry.

A divorce?
What have I done?
I haven't done anything.

Larry, don't be a child.

You haven't done anything.
I haven't done anything.

Yes! Yes, we haven't
done anything.

And I'm probably
about to get tenure.

Nevertheless, there
have been problems,
as you know...

Well...
...and things
have changed.

And then, Sy Ableman.

Sy has come into
my life, and I...

Come into your...
What does that mean?
You barely know him.

Oh, please. We've
known the Ablemans
for 15 years, Larry!

Yes, but you said
we hadn't done anything.

I haven't done anything.

This is not some
flashy fling, Larry.

This is not about
woopsy-doopsy.

Sy Ableman?

ARTHUR:
I'll be out in a minute!
SARAH: Oh, Jesus Christ!

Look, I didn't know
any other way of
breaking it to you

except to just
tell you and treat you
like an adult.

Is that so wrong?

Where do I sleep?

What?
Arthur's on the couch.

Look, Sy feels
that we should...

Esther is barely cold!

Esther died
three years ago,

and it was
a loveless marriage.

Sy wants a gett.

A what?
A ritual divorce.

He says it's very important.

Without a gett,
I'm an aguna.

A what?

What are you
talking about?

You always act
so surprised.

I have begged you
to see the Rabbi.

(DOOR OPENING)

(PANTING)

Messages,
Professor Gopnik.

Yes, thanks for
coming, Clive.
Have a seat.

We had, I think,
a good talk
the other day,

but you left something...
I didn't leave it.

Well, you don't even know
what I was going to say.

I didn't leave anything.

I'm not missing anything.

I know where everything is.

Well then, Clive...

Where did this come from?

This is here, isn't it?

Yes, sir.
That is there.

This is not nothing.

This is something.

Yes. That is something.

What is it?
You know what it is,
I believe.

And you know
I can't keep it, Clive.
Yes, sir.

I'll have to pass it on
to Professor Finkle,

along with my suspicions
about where it came from.

Actions have consequences.

Yes. Often.

No, always!
Actions always
have consequences!

In this office,
actions have
consequences.

Yes, sir.
Not just physics,

morally.
Yes.

And we both know
about your actions.

No, sir.
I know about my actions.

I can interpret, Clive.
I know what you
meant me to understand.

Meer sir my sir.

"Meer sir my sir"?

Mere surmise, sir.

Very uncertain.

(MAN CHANTING IN HEBREW)

(RECORD STOPS)

(REPEATING IN HEBREW)

(CHANTING RESUMES)

(RECORD STOPS)

(REPEATING IN HEBREW)

You little brat fucker!

You snuck 20 bucks
out of my drawer!

Studying Torah,
asshole.

You little brat!
I'm telling Dad!

You gonna tell him
you've been sneaking it
out of his wallet?

You know what I'm gonna do,
you little brat,
if you don't give it back?

Dad?

DANNY: Dad, you've
gotta fix the aerial.

Hello, Larry.
Have you thought
about a lawyer?

DANNY: Dad!
Honey, please!

We're not getting
channel four at all.

Can we
discuss it later?

I can't get F Troop.

Larry, the
children know.

Do you think
this is some secret?

Do you think this is
something we're going
to keep quiet?

Dad, Uncle Arthur is
in the bathroom again,

and I'm going
to the Hole at 8:00.

ARTHUR: Out in a minute!
Ow! Stop!

She keeps doing that!
What's going on?

(MAN SINGING IN YIDDISH
ON RADIO)

Arthur?

ARTHUR: Yes?

What are you doing?

Working on the Mentaculus.

Any luck, um,

looking for an apartment?

No.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Sy.
Good to see you, Larry.

I'll get Judith.

No, listen, actually,
I'm here to see you,
if I might.

Such a thing.
Such a thing.

Shall we go
in the kitchen?

You know, Larry, the way
we handle ourselves
in this situation,

so important.

Uh-huh?
Absolutely.

Judith told me
that she broke
the news to you,

and she said that
you were very adult.

Did she?
Absolutely.

The respect she has
for you...

Yes?
Do you drink wine?

Because this is
an incredible bottle.

This is not
Mogen David, Larry.

(CHUCKLING)
This is a wine.
A Bordeaux.

You know, Sy...
Open it.

Let it breathe.
Ten minutes.

Letting it breathe,
so important.

Thanks, Sy,
but I'm not...

Listen, I insist, Larry.
There's no cause
for discomfort.

I'd be uncomfortable
if you didn't take it.

Larry, listen.
These are signs.

Tokens, Larry.

I'm just...
I'm not ungrateful.

I just don't know
a lot about wine,

and given our...
It's okay.

...respective...
It's okay.

Larry, we're
going to be fine.

(BUS DEPARTING)

Want some of this,
fucker?

(DRAWER OPENS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Fuck.

(FAGLE PANTING)

(CHATTER ON RADIO)

(CHATTER ON RADIO)

(MAN SINGING IN YIDDISH)

Would you read this?
Tell me what you think?

Okay.

Boy! You should have
worn a hat.

(SNORING)

MR. BRANDT: Let's see
some hustle, Mitch.

ARLEN: Larry?

Hi, Arlen.

Larry, I feel that as
head of the tenure committee,
I should tell you this.

Though it should be
no cause for concern, and you
should not at all be worried.

Okay.

But I feel
I should mention it,

even though
it will carry no weight
in our decision

on whether or not
to grant you tenure.

So again,
no cause for concern.

Okay, Arlen.
Give what any weight?

Well...

We've received
a number of letters

denigrating you
and urging us not to...

Not to grant you tenure.

From who?

Well, they're anonymous,
so we dismiss them completely.

Well, what do they say?

Well, they
make allegations...

Well, allegations...
Assertions.

And though we
give them no credence
at all, Larry.

Well, I'm not really
at liberty

to discuss the specifics of
the committee's deliberations.

But I think you're saying
these won't play any part
in your deliberations?

None whatsoever.

So what are they?

Moral turpitude,
you could say.

Uh-huh.
Can I ask?
Are they...

Are they idiomatic?
Hmm?

The reason I ask,
I have a Korean student.
South Korean.

A disgruntled South Korean,
and I meant to talk to you
about this...

Oh, no, no.
They're competently,
even eloquently written.

A native English speaker.
There's no question
about that.

Uh-huh.
Let me reiterate.

No cause for concern.

I only speak because
I would feel odd
concealing it.

Yes.
Yeah.

Best to Judith.

I gotta get
my radio back.

Maybe the fucker
lodged it up his
fucking asshole.

I gotta get it back,
or Mike Fagle's gonna
pound the crap out of me.

(GROANS)
Way up
his asshole.

Good afternoon.

Go scrub up, Mitch.

Been hunting?

Is that a...

It's gonna be
a boat shed.

Uh-huh.

That's great.

Mr. Brandt...
I said
scrub up, Mitch!

Isn't this a school day?

I took him out of school
today so he could
hunt with his dad.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Uh, Mr. Brandt,

that's just about
at the property line
there.

I don't think
we're supposed to get

within, what, 10 feet...
Property line's the poplar.

The...
Poplar.

Well, even if it is,
you're just about over it.
Measure.

I don't have to measure,
you can tell it's...
Line's the poplar.

What's going on?

Nothing.

JUDITH: Larry?
Yeah?

Did you go to
Sieglestein Schlutz?

LARRY: No, I...
Not yet.

Larry.

Appointment Monday.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the Hole.

What? At 5:00?

We're stopping at
Laurie Kipperstein's house
so I can wash my hair.

Hi, Mr. Gopnik.

You can't wash it here?
Uncle Arthur's
in the bathroom.

ARTHUR: I'll be out
in a minute!

JUDITH: Are you ready?
Huh?

We're meeting Sy
at Embers.
I am?

Both of us.
I told you, Larry.

Larry.

How are you?

Sy.

Hello, Judith.

Hello, Sy.

Larry, I want to
thank you for coming.

It's so important
that we be able to
discuss these things.

I'm happy to come
to Embers, Sy.

But I'm thinking, really,
maybe it's best to leave

these discussions
to the lawyers.

Of course. Legal matters,
you let the lawyers discuss.

You don't mix
apples and oranges.

I have begged you
to see the lawyer.

I told you,
I'm going Monday.

Monday is timely.
This is not...

Please, Embers is not
the forum for legalities.
You're so right.

(SCOFFS)

No, Judith and I
wanted merely
to discuss, uh,

practicalities.
Living arrangements.

After all, this
is an issue where
no one is at odds.

Living arrangements?

I think we all agree
that the children

not being contaminated
with the tension,

the most important.

We shouldn't put
the kids in the
middle of this, Larry.

The kids aren't...

I'm saying "we."
I'm not pointing fingers.

No one is playing
the blame game, Larry.

I didn't say
anyone was.

Well, let's not play
"He Said, She Said"'
either.

I wasn't! I...
All right.
Look, look, look.

Let's just take
a step back and we can
diffuse the situation.

You know, Larry,
sometimes I find that

if I count to 10...

One,

two,

three,

four...

Or silently.

Really, to keep things
on an even keel

leading up to
Danny's bar mitzvah...

A child's
bar mitzvah, Larry.

Sy and I think
it's best if you
move out of the house.

Move out?

Well, it makes eminent sense.
Things can't
continue as they...

Move out?
Where would I go?

Well, for instance,
the Jolly Roger
is quite livable.

It's not expensive.

The rooms are
eminently habitable.

This would allow you
to visit the kids.

There's convenience
in its favor.
They've got a pool.

Wouldn't it make
more sense for you
to move in with Sy?

Larry.

Larry, you...
You are jesting.

I think, really,
the Jolly Roger

is the appropriate
course of action.

(MAN CHANTING IN HEBREW)

(DOOR OPENING)
SARAH: Listen here,

you little fucker,
I want my money!

DANNY: Stop it!
I'm gonna get it!

(SLAPPING)
SARAH: Give it back!

You owe me 20 bucks,
you little shit!

Don't worry about it!
Give it, brat fucker!

I'm gonna get it!
I'm gonna get it!
Brat! Fucker!

What's going on?
SARAH: Nothing.

What was that?
Nothing.

(RECORD STOPS)

How's the Torah
portion coming?

Can you maybe
use the hi-fi?

What?
Can I borrow this?

I'm taking some stuff
to, you know,
the Jolly Roger.

SARAH: Dad!
Sure, Dad.

SARAH: Dad! Chinese guy!

Culture clash.

Culture clash.

With all respect,
Mr. Park, I don't
think it's that.

Yes.
No,

it would be
a culture clash if it were
the custom in your land

to bribe people
for grades.

Yes.

So, you're saying
it is the custom?

No, this is defamation.
Ground for lawsuit.

Let me get this straight.

You're threatening
to sue me for
defaming your son?

Yes.

But it would...
Is this man
bothering you?

Is he bothering me? No.

I, uh...

See, look...

If it were defamation,
there would have to be

someone I was
defaming him to,
or I...

All right,
let's keep it simple.

I could pretend
the money never appeared.
That's not defaming anyone.

Yes. And passing grade.

Passing grade?
Yes.

Or you'll sue me?

For taking money.

So he did leave the money?

This is defamation!

It doesn't make sense.
Either he left the money
or he didn't.

Please.
Accept the mystery.

RONNIE: Give me that, fucker.

LARRY: He's very
good with numbers.

I think his social skills
have held him back.

Such a sweet man, though.

Arthur has
a good heart.

And he never complains,
unlike me.

Sometimes I don't
give him enough credit.

He tried to tell me
about this thing
he's working on, this...

The Mentaculus.

He says
it's a probability map
of the universe.

Does he go out
socially at all?

He tries. He's been
going to the singles
mixers at Hillel House.

I should talk.
I'm not doing any better.

How is Judith?

Fine. She's fine.

Sometimes these things
just aren't meant to be.

And it can take a while
before you feel
what was always there.

For better or worse.
I never felt it!

It was a bolt
from the blue.

What does that mean?

Everything that
I thought was one way
turns out to be another.

Then, it's an opportunity
to learn how things
really are.

I don't mean to sound glib.

It's not always easy
deciphering what God
is trying to tell you,

but it's not something
you have to figure out
all by yourself.

We're Jews.

We've got that well
of tradition to draw on,
to help us understand.

When we're puzzled,
we have all the stories

that have been
handed down from people
who had the same problems.

Have you talked to
Rabbi Nachtner?

Why not see him?

What's the Rabbi
gonna tell me?

If I knew,
I'd be the Rabbi.

(EXCLAIMS)
The air out here
is magnificent.

I'm telling you,
if someone could
bottle this air,

they'd make
a million dollars.

Hello, Larry.
Good to see you.

Oh. Rabbi Scott.

I thought
I was going to see
Rabbi Nachtner.

He was called away
on an etz monim.

Ruth Brynn's mother
is in the hospital
and she isn't doing well.

Rabbi Nachtner asked me
to cover for him.
Come on in.

And she wants a gett.

A what?

She wants a...
Oh, a gett.

Uh-huh. Sure.

I feel like the
carpet's been yanked
out from under me.

(STAMMERING)
I don't know
which end is up.

I'm not even sure
how to react.

I'm too confused.

What reasons
did she give
for the rupture?

She didn't give reasons.
Just that,

you know, things
haven't been going well.

And is that true?

I guess.
I don't know.

She's usually right
about these things.

I was hoping that
Rabbi Nachtner could...

That he would...
He would... Yes?

Well, with the benefit
of his life experience.

No offense.

(CHUCKLING)
No, of course not.
I am the junior rabbi.

And it's true,
the point of view
of somebody who's older

and perhaps had
similar problems
might be more valid.

And you should see
the senior rabbi
as well, by all means.

Or even Marshak,

if you can get in.

He's quite busy,
but maybe...

Can I share
something with you?

Because I, too,
have had the feeling
of losing track

of Hashem,
which is the problem here.

I, too, have forgotten
how to see him in the world,

and when that happens,
you think,

"Well, if I can't see him,
he isn't there. He's gone."

But that's not the case.

You just need to
remember how to see him.

(CHUCKLING)
Am I right? I mean...

The parking lot here.

Not much to see.

But if you imagine
yourself a visitor,

somebody who isn't
familiar with
these autos and such,

somebody still
with the capacity
for wonder.

Someone with
a fresh perspective.

That's what it is, Larry.

Because with
the right perspective,

you can see Hashem,
you know, reaching
into the world.

He is in the world,
not just in shul.

It sounds to me like you're
looking at the world,
looking at your wife,

through tired eyes.

It sounds like
she's become
a sort of thing...

A problem.

A thing.

She is seeing Sy Ableman.

Oh.
They're planning...

That's why
they want the gett.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It was his idea.

Well, they do need
a gett to remarry
in the faith.

But... This is life.

You have to see these
things as expressions
of God's will.

You don't have to
like it, of course.

The boss isn't always right,
but he's always the boss.

(LAUGHING)
That's right!

Things aren't so bad.

Look at
the parking lot, Larry.

Just look at
that parking lot.

(PANTING)

Are we eating already?

Sarah's going out.

Ow! Cut it out!

What's going on?

Isn't Dad eating?

JUDITH: He's at
the Jolly Roger.

Oh, yeah.

(ALL SLURPING)

How are you, Larry?

Jesus, I am so sorry

to be seeing you
under these circumstances.
Oh, well...

I always thought
you and Judy
were rock solid.

This is so terrible, Larry.
This is devastating.

Well, you know,
the way I look at it,

it's an opportunity
for me to really sit down
and figure things out

and look at the world
afresh instead of just,
you know,

settling for the
routine, tired old way
of looking at things.

Really?

I don't know,
maybe not.

Well, legally,
I have to warn you,

it's never easy
for the husband.

Unless, of course,
there's some question

of the wife
having violated
the marriage contract?

Oh, no, no.
Nothing like that.

Although she is
planning to marry
Sy Ableman, but they...

Sy Ableman!

Yes. But they...
Esther is barely cold!

She passed
three years ago.

Well...
Still, this changes
the complexion, Larry.

Sy Ableman.

Not in the sense
that... There hasn't
been hanky-panky.

To my knowledge.

Oh?
No. I'm fairly certain
this is not an issue.

And in fact,
Judith wants a gett.

A what?

A ritual divorce.

Oh.
So that they can
remarry in the faith.

Uh-huh.
Yeah, sure, uh...

Well, not really
a legal issue.

Okay, um...

Good. Good.

(SIGHING) Well...

On the other thing,
the neighbor's
property line,

I've asked
Solomon Schlutz
to take a look.

There's very little
to do with real estate
that'll get by Sol.

Okay. Good.
How do you...

I guess
I'm a little worried.

How do you...
I have money pressures...

Our fee structure?
We bill by the hour.

Dave Sieglestein
and Solomon Schlutz
bill at 110.

The associates, me,
for instance, bill at...

Call for Mr. Gopnik.
Danny at home.

You can take it here.

SECRETARY:
0809.

Danny?

DANNY: Hey, Dad.
Are you all right?

Are you all...
Is everything...

F Troop is fuzzy.

What?

F Troop is still fuzzy.

Dad?
Is everything okay?

(ALARM RINGING)

(MAN SINGING IN YIDDISH)

LARRY: Clive?

Clive!

You little bastard!
You gonna send
your mother next?

Little bastard!
I want to see you!

(CRASHING)

Hold on.

Professor Gopnik,
it's Dick Dutton again.

Dick Dutton.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Gopnik?

This is Dick Dutton
from the Columbia
Record Club.

I'm calling because
it's now four months,

and we have
yet to receive
your first payment.

(STAMMERING)
There's some mistake.

I'm not a member
of the Columbian Record Club.

Sir, you are
Lawrence Gopnik
of 8419 Fern Hill Road?

No, I live
at the Jolly Roger.

Excuse me?

No, I...

Well, yes, okay.

Yes, you are
Lawrence Gopnik?
Okay.

"Okay" means...

Okay, yes,
Lawrence Gopnik, yes.

Okay, well,
you received your
12 introductory albums,

and you've been receiving
the monthly main selection
for four months now...

The monthly main selection?
Is that a record?

I didn't ask
for any records.

To receive the monthly
main selection,
you do nothing. You...

That's right.
I haven't done anything.

Yes, that's why
you received the
monthly main selection.

(STAMMERING) But...
The last one was
Santana Abraxas. You...

I didn't ask
for Santana Abraxas.

You request
the main selection

at the retail price
by doing nothing.

It's automatically
mailed to you,

plus shipping
and handling.

You're about to receive...
I can't afford
a new record every month!

I haven't asked...

You're about to get
Cosmo's Factory, sir.

The June
main selection.

Look, look,
something is very wrong!

I don't want
Santana Abraxas.

I've just been
in a terrible auto accident.

I'm sorry, sir.

Well, thank you.
But I...

Are you okay?

Yes, yes.
No one was hurt.

Okay. Good.

Well, you had
14 days to listen
to Santana Abraxas.

Sir?
Look...

(STAMMERING) I didn't ask
for Santana Abraxas,

I didn't listen
to Santana Abraxas,

I didn't do anything!

Sir! Your son.
Mr. Gopnik...

He says it's urgent.

We can't make you
listen to the record...

Okay, okay, okay...
We provide...

Okay, I have to
call you back.

This is... I'm sorry.
No, no,
Mr. Gopnik, please...

Danny?
DANNY: Yeah. Listen, Dad...

Did you join
the Columbia Record Club?

Danny?
Um...

Danny, this is
completely unacceptable.
I can't afford to...

Okay, Dad, but you
gotta come home.

Is it F Troop?

No, Mom's real upset.

(JUDITH SOBBING)

SARAH: Dad?

Yes?

Does this mean
I can't go
to the Hole tonight?

Does what mean?
What happened?

Oh, Sy Ableman,
he died in a car crash.

DANNY: Hey, Dad.

What?

So you're coming back home?

Can you fix
the aerial?

What?

It's still,
you know...

(JUDITH WAILING)

(JUDITH SCREAMING)

(JUDITH SCREAMING)

She seems to be
asking an awful lot.

But then...
I don't know.

Somebody has to pay
for Sy's funeral.

Uh-huh.

His own estate
is in probate,

but why does it
have to be me?

Or is it wrong
to complain?

Judy says it is.

But I'm so strapped
for cash right now,

carrying the mortgage,
and paying
for the Jolly Roger,

and I wrecked the car,
and Danny's bar mitzvah
coming up, I...

Something like this,
there's never a good time.

I don't know
where it all leaves me.

Sy's death.

Obviously, it's not
going to go back
like it was.

Mmm.

Would you even
want that, Larry?
No, I...

Well, yeah.
Sometimes.

Or...

I don't know.
I guess

the honest answer is,
I don't know.

What was my life before?
Not what I thought it was.

So what does it all mean?

What is Hashem
trying to tell me,

making me pay for
Sy Ableman's funeral?

Mmm.
And did I tell you

I had a car accident
the same time Sy had his?

The same instant,
for all I know.
Mmm.

Is Hashem trying
to tell me that
Sy Ableman is me?

Or that we are all one
or something?

How does God speak to us?

It's a good question.

You know Lee Sussman.

Dr. Sussman?
I think I... Yeah.

Did he ever tell you
about the goy's teeth?

No. Uh, what goy?

So, Lee is at work one day.

You know, he has
the orthodontic practice
there at Great Bear.

He's making a plaster mold.

It's for corrective
bridgework in the mouth
of one of his patients,

Russell Krauss.

The mold dries, and Lee
is examining it one day

before fabricating
an appliance.

He notices
something unusual.

There appears to be
something engraved

on the inside
of the patient's
lower incisors.

Hey vav shin yud ayin nun yud.

Ho-she-ay-ni.

"Help me. Save me."

This, in a goy's mouth, Larry.

He calls the goy back

on the pretense of needing
additional measurements
for the appliance.

"How are you?

"Noticed any other
problems with your teeth?"

"No."

There it is.

Ho-she-ay-ni.

"Help me."

Son of a gun.

Sussman goes home.

Can Sussman eat?
Sussman can't eat.

Can Sussman sleep?
Sussman can't sleep.

Sussman looks at the molds
of his other patients,

goy and Jew alike,

seeking other messages.
He finds none.

He looks in his own mouth.

Nothing.

He looks
in his wife's mouth.

Nothing.

But Sussman
is an educated man.

Not the world's
greatest sage, maybe.

No Rabbi Marshak.

But he knows
a thing or two about
the Zohar and the Kabbalah.

He knows that
every Hebrew letter
has its numeric equivalent.

8-4-5-4-4-7-3.

Seven digits.
A phone number, maybe?

"Hello? Do you know
a goy named Krauss,
Russell Krauss?"

"Who?"

"Where have I called?

"The Red Owl in Bloomington?
Thanks so much."

He goes.

It's a Red Owl.
Groceries, what have you.

Sussman goes home.
What does it mean?

He has to find out
if he is ever
to sleep again.

He goes to see

the Rabbi Nachtner.

He comes in, he sits
right where you're
sitting, right now.

"What does it mean, Rabbi?

(INAUDIBLE)
"Is it a sign
from Hashem? 'Help me. '

"I, Sussman, should be
doing something
to help this goy.

"Doing what?
The teeth don't say.

"Or maybe I'm supposed to
help people generally
lead a more righteous life?

"Is the answer
in Kabbalah? In Torah?

"Or is there even a question?

"Tell me, Rabbi,
what can such a sign

"mean?"

So? What did
you tell him?

Sussman?

Yes.

Is it relevant?

Well, isn't that why
you're telling me?

Okay.

Nachtner says, "Look.

"The teeth, we don't know.

"A sign from Hashem?
Don't know.

"Helping others?

"Couldn't hurt."

No, no,
but who put it there?

Was it for him, Sussman?
Or for whoever found it?
Or for just... For, for...

We can't know everything.

It sounds like
you don't know
anything!

Why even tell me the story?

(CHUCKLING)
First I should tell you,
then I shouldn't.

What happened to Sussman?

What would happen?
Not much.

He went back to work.

For a while, he checked
every patient's teeth
for new messages.

He didn't find any.

In time, he found
he stopped checking.

He returned to life.

These questions that are
bothering you, Larry,

maybe they're
like a toothache.

Feel them for a while,
then they go away.

I don't want it
to just go away!
I want an answer!

Sure. We all
want the answer.

Hashem doesn't owe us
the answer, Larry.

Hashem doesn't
owe us anything.

The obligation
runs the other way.

Why does he make us
feel the questions

if he's not going to
give us any answers?

He hasn't told me.

And what happened
to the goy?

The goy?

Who cares?

NACHTNER: Sy Ableman
was a serious man.

Sy Ableman was a man
devoted to his community.

To Torah study.
To his beloved wife,
Esther,

until three years ago
she passed,

and to his duty,
as he saw it.

Where does such a man go?

A tzadik. Who knows,
maybe even a lamed vavnik.

A man beloved by all.

A man who despised
the frivolous.

Could such
a serious man simply

disappear?

We speak of olam ha-ba,
the world to come.

(SOBBING)
Not heaven.

Not what the gentiles
think of as afterlife.

"Olam ha-ba."
What is olam ha-ba?

Where is olam ha-ba?

Well, it is not
a geographic place,
certainly.

Like Canada.

Nor is it the
Eretz zavat chalav udvash,

the land flowing
with milk and honey.

For we are not promised
a personal reward.

A gold star.

A first-class VIP lounge
where we get milk
and cookies to eternity.

(MOURNERS LAUGHING)

Olam ha-ba is
in the bosom of Abraham.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Arthur Gopnik?

Are you
Arthur Gopnik?

I'm Lawrence Gopnik.

Do you go by the name
Arthur Gopnik?

No.

Is that Arthur Gopnik?

Can you tell me
what's going on?
We're sitting shiva here.

You're what?

A religious observance.

We're bereaved.

Who died?

My wife's, uh...

(WOMAN SOBBING)

It's a long story.

Look, you tell Gopnik,
Arthur Gopnik,
he's breaking the law.

We're not arresting
him now, but
next time we will.

Gambling's against
the law in this state.
That's just the way it is.

All right.
Go back to your thing.

Sorry, sir.

Dad, we get
channel four now,
but not channel seven.

Arthur, how could you
do that to this family?

On Sy's...
It's hardly a crime.
I mean, nobody got hurt.

That doesn't
make it right!

He won
a lot of money, Dad.

The Mentaculus
really works!

You knew about it?

Well...
They must have
finked me out.

They knew I could
just go on winning,

so they blackballed me
and now...

What did you do
with the money
you won?

What's going on?

Well, I didn't want it,
and Danny said
that he could use it...

That is so unfair!

LARRY: What are you...
I'll tell you what's unfair.

What's unfair is them
not letting me play
in their card game.

Why give him the
money? You know what
he spends it on?

I know about
the records.

Records? Do you
think he buys records
from Mike Fagle?

At least
I'm not saving up
for a nose job.

What a brat!
LARRY: What?

Nobody in this house
is getting a nose job!
You got that?

(FANFARE PLAYING ON TV)

(EXCLAIMING)
Danny! You're
not excused!

We're still talking!

What was this
card game, Arthur?

Some goys put together
a private game.

I think that
they're Italian.

Danny!
What's going on?

Danny? We're
sitting shiva here.

(MEN CHATTERING ON TV)

Well, she has retained
Barney Silver
at Tuchman, Marsh.

This is a...

This is an
aggressive firm, Larry.
Mmm-hmm.

These are not
pleasant people.

Judith is free to
retain whoever she...

I take it
you don't talk?

It's hard. I think she
emptied our bank account.

Mmm.

I tried to ask her about it,
very civilly. She...
Yeah.

Yeah, you need to
open a new account
in your name only.

Put your paychecks
in there from
here on out.

Can I?
Oh, absolutely.

It's not dishonest?

Oh, absolutely.

You...
I hate to say this,

but I think she's also
been sneaking cash
out of my wallet.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Yeah, well, this is
definitely adversarial.

(CRYING)

Larry? Are you
all right? Larry!

Hey, come on now!
Larry! There's
no need for that.

Larry, Larry, we...

We're going to
get through this.

Have you talked
to the Rabbi?

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

I talked to Nachtner.

Was he helpful
at all?

What, did he tell you
about the goy's teeth?

You should try to
talk to Marshak.

They told me
he doesn't do
pastoral work anymore.

He just...

(INHALING)

...congratulates the
bar mitzvah boy every week.

Well, that's too bad.

He's a very wise man,
Marshak.

Getting old.

Very old.

No, me.

Uh, Dick Dutton.
Columbia Record Club.
Not now.

Does he ever
come to the phone?

If I came in, could...

Well, how about
at Rabbi Marshak's
convenience?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, could I give you
my number at the Jolly Roger?

LARRY: X squared,
so that delta X equals

the square root of
.077 A squared minus zero,

from which we derive
the square root of
.077 A squared.

And also, the uncertainty

in P is equal to
the square root
of bracket P squared

minus bracket P squared,

which also equals
the square root
of H over A squared.

Which lets us
delta X, delta P

equals the square root
of .077 A squared,

H over A squared,
and 1.74 H bar.

Okay?

The Uncertainty Principle.

It proves we can't
ever really know

what's going on.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

But even though you can't
figure anything out,

you will be responsible
for it on the mid-term.

Did you follow that?
Of course.

Except that I know
what's going on.

How do you explain?

Well, it might be that in,
you know, in olam ha-ba...

Excuse me, not the point.
In this world, Larry.

Now I'll concede that
it's subtle, it's clever.

But at the end of the day,
is it convincing?

Well, yes,
it's convincing.

It's a proof.
It's mathematics.

No, excuse me.
Mathematics is the art
of the possible.

I don't think so.

The art of the
possible, that's...

I can't remember.
Something else.

I'm a serious man, Larry.

I know that. So, if I've
got it wrong, what do I...
So simple.

See Marshak.

I know!
I want to see Marshak!
I want to see Marshak!

I fucked your wife, Larry!

I seriously fucked her!
That's what's going on!

(SHOUTING)
See Marshak!

(GASPS)

(WHIRRING)

Mr. Gopnik.

Hello, Mrs. Samsky.

I was going to knock,
and then I thought
you weren't here.

I thought
I heard something.

Can I help you?
Do you want to come in?

No, I...
It's cooler.

Oh. Okay.

I've noticed that
Mr. Samsky isn't around,
and I, uh...

He travels.
Uh-huh. Yeah.

So I thought I should
let you know, since you're
somewhat new here,

if you ever have,
whatever, chores
that you'd, um...

Or just help with something.
I've decided to help others,
in a neighborly way.

How thoughtful.
Oh, it's nothing.

It's just good to
know your neighbors,
and to help.

Help others.

Although I don't care much
for my neighbors on the
other side, I must say.

Goys, aren't they?
Mmm. Very much so.

Although maybe it's
not fair to judge.
I have to admit...

Won't you sit down?

Oh, um...
Okay. Thank you.

Iced tea?
I have some.
Okay.

I don't see you
much around either.

Yes, actually
I haven't been home
a lot recently. I, uh...

My wife and I are...

Well, she's got me
staying at the Jolly Roger,
the little motel there on...

You're in the
doghouse, huh?

Yes. That's an
understatement,
I guess. Thank you.

I guess I...

Do you take advantage
of the new freedoms?

What do you mean?

It's something I do.

For recreation.

That's

marijuana?
Mmm-hmm.

You'll find you'll
need the iced tea.

Is it...

Well, okay.

(RECORD SKIPPING)

Maybe Rabbi Scott was right.

Who's Rabbi Scott?

The junior rabbi.

The junior rabbi.

What did he say?

LARRY: He spoke of

perception.

All my problems
are just...

Just a...

A mere...

Is that a siren?

No.

Sometimes people
get paranoid...

(SIREN BLARING)
Holy cow, that is a siren.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

POLICEMAN:
Does this man live here?

Sort of. He sleeps
on the couch.
This is crazy!

I didn't know what to
tell them. They asked
me for my address.

It's just mathematics.
You can't arrest a man
for mathematics.

I didn't know whether
to tell them here,
or at the Jolly Roger.

Do you know this man?

I just figured that
this would sound better.
I don't know.

Dad, why is Uncle Arthur
in handcuffs?

It's all a mistake.
I mean, not a mistake,
a miscarriage...

Hello, Mrs. Samsky.
Hello, Arthur.

Does this man
live here?
He sleeps on the couch.

Look. What did he do?

Nothing! I didn't
do anything!
DANNY: Dad sleeps on a cot.

Sir, we picked
this man up
at the North Dakota.

But I didn't do anything!
I didn't...
The North Dakota?

Solicitation.
Sodomy.
Very serious.

But I didn't
do anything.

"Sodomy"?

What's sodomy,
Dad?

What does Arthur say?

He says he didn't
do anything.

Uh-huh.

He says he just
went in for a drink.

Uh-huh.

Does Arthur drink?
No.

Uh-huh.

The North Dakota.

Well...

You'll need
a criminal attorney.

Okay. Who's...
Ron Meshbesher.

Is he good?
Ron is very good.

I don't understand.

He goes to mixers
at the Hillel House.
Mmm.

I would call
Ron Meshbesher.
Is he expensive?

Ron is not cheap.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yeah.

Oh, Sol, come in,
we could use
some good news.

DON: Sol's been going over
the property line issue

and he wouldn't
go into details,
but he seems to think

there's a nifty way
out of this.

Says it was pure luck
that he caught something.

I guess that's why
you're full partner,
eh, Sol?

(DON CHUCKLES)

Danny's bar mitzvah is...
This week.

DON: This Shabbas?
Great, great.

(GROANING)

Professor Gopnik,
Dick Dutton.

Heart attack.
Call back.

(UNLOCKS DRAWER)

Larry?

As you know,
the tenure committee
meets on... What?

Are you all right?
I'm fine.

I'm sorry. I know
you've hit a rough patch.

Someone just...

But I'm fine.

Well, as you know,
the tenure committee
meets on Wednesday

to make its final
determinations, so if...
Arlen,

I am not an evil man.

No, no, Larry, no,
of course not.
I am not!

No, we don't make
moral judgments.

I went to the
Aster Art once.

I saw Swedish Reverie.

No, it's okay.
We don't need to know.

It wasn't even erotic.

Although it was,
in a way.

It's all right, really,
Larry. Believe me.

Yeah, okay.

Okay. Okay.

So, we decide
on Wednesday.

So, if there's anything
that you want to

submit in support of
your tenure application,

we would need it
by Wednesday.

Submit? What do you...

Well, anything.
Any published work.

Anything you've done
outside the institution.

Anything at all that
we should be aware of.

I haven't done anything.
Uh-huh.

I haven't published.
Uh-huh.

You're still
getting those...
Uh-huh.

Those anonymous...
No, no, I know.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Wednesday?
Uh-huh.

Um. Okay. Uh...
Don't worry.

Doing nothing is
not bad. Ipso facto.

Just relax.

Try to relax.

Oh, my God,
Mrs. Samsky!

So good.

(LARRY PANTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Nailing it down.
So important.

(LARRY SCREAMS)

LARRY: Please. I need help.
I've already talked to
the other rabbis. Please.

It's not about
Danny's bar mitzvah.

My boy, Danny.
This coming Shabbas.

Very joyous event.
That's all fine.

It's more about myself.
I've had quite a bit
of tsuris lately.

Marital problems,
professional,
you name it.

This is not
a frivolous request.

This is a...

I'm a...

I've tried to be
a serious man,
you know?

Tried to do right,
be a member of the
community, raise the...

Danny, Sarah, they both
go to school, Hebrew school.

A good breakfast...

Well, Danny goes
to Hebrew school,
Sarah doesn't have time.

She mostly
washes her hair.

Apparently there are
several steps involved,

but you don't have
to tell Marshak that,
just tell him I need help.

Please. I need help.

(SIGHS)

The Rabbi is busy.

He didn't look busy.

He's thinking.

(ARTHUR SOBBING)

Arthur?

Arthur?

What's wrong?

It'll be okay.
Arthur, we'll...

Don't worry, we'll
get Ron Meshbesher.
It'll be okay...

(WAILING LOUDLY)

Arthur!

Arthur!

(WAILING)

Arthur! You've got
to pull yourself
together!

It's all shit, Larry!
It's all shit!

Arthur,
don't use that word.

It's just fucking shit!

Arthur.

Look at all that
Hashem has given you!

What has he given me?
He hasn't given me shit!

Arthur. What do I have?
I live at the Jolly Roger.

You have a family!
You have a job!

Hashem hasn't given me shit.
He hasn't given me bupkes!

It's not fair to blame
Hashem, Arthur. Please.

Sometimes...
Please calm down.

Sometimes you
have to help yourself.

Hashem hasn't given me shit.

Now I can't even
play cards.

It's okay,
it's okay.

(SOBBING LOUDLY)
It's okay,
it's okay.

Is this it?

ARTHUR: Yeah, I think.
Yeah, there.

Look, this should
help you get back
on your feet.

Oh, my God.
Where did you get this?

It doesn't matter.
This is a lot of money.

It should get you started.
I know, but this
is a lot of money.

You sure you
don't need it?
Arthur, I'm fine.

Come on, get in.
When you're settled,

let me know how
to get in touch.

You're sure?

It's fine.

Larry. I'm sorry.

What I said last night.

I know.

It's okay.

Goodbye!

(GUN FIRING)

There's another Jew, son!

(SCREAMS)

Were we out at
the pool last night?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

It's Shabbas.

(MARIJUANA CIGARETTE SIZZLING)

Give me that fucker.

(INHALING SHARPLY)

(PRAYING IN HEBREW)

(PRAYING IN HEBREW)

(VOICE DISTORTING)

(PRAYING SOFTLY
IN HEBREW)

(PRAYING IN HEBREW)

I'm sorry that...
That things have
been so hard for us.

It's okay.

Sy had so much
respect for you,
Larry.

He wrote letters to
the tenure committee.

(RABBI PRAYING IN HEBREW)

(CONGREGATION PRAYING
IN HEBREW)

Jesus Christ.

...taking your place
as a member of our tribe.

Now, you will go
and see Rabbi Marshak.

Afterwards, you will
celebrate in a reception
downstairs in Schanfield Hall.

And then, you will be
a member of B'Nai Avraham
and the Nation of Israel.

Danny Gopnik,
the Sisterhood makes a gift
to you of this Kiddush cup,

so that you will remember
this blessed day on the
next Shabbas and the next,

and on every Shabbas
of a long and fruitful life.

And until that wonderful day
when you stand under
the chuppah, we say amen.

(CONGREGATION SINGING
IN HEBREW)

When the truth

is found

to be lies...

(SNORTS)

...and all the hope

within you dies...

Then what?

Grace Slick.

Marty Balin.

Paul Kantner.

Jorma...

Kaukonen.

...something.

These are the members

of the Airplane.

Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.

Be a good boy.

ARLEN: Danny was magnificent.

Oh.

Thank you, Arlen.

Mazel tov.
It was wonderful.

Yes, it was. Thank you.

Such a time of nachas.

He's your youngest,
you have to savor it.

I do.

I will.

Well, see you
at the staff caf.
Yes.

I, uh...

Just, um...

I shouldn't tell you this,
I'm not telling you
officially.

The tenure candidates
aren't notified
till Thursday.

Yes?

You'll be very pleased.

Thank you, Arlen.
I didn't say anything.
Mazel tov.

(TEACHER SPEAKING HEBREW)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON HEADPHONES)

(GIRL SPEAKING HEBREW)

(BOY SPEAKING HEBREW)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(TEACHER SPEAKING HEBREW)

(WHISPERING)
Fagle.

There's a tornado warning
from the weather service.

Mr. Turchik has decided
to move us into the
basement of the synagogue.

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

We will form two lines.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(RINGING)

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

That fucking flag's
gonna rip right off
the flagpole!

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hello?

MAN: Larry?
Yes?

Hi, Len Shapiro.

(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Hello, Dr. Shapiro.

Listen,
mazel tov on Danny.

Yes, thank you.

Listen, could you
come by to discuss
these x-ray results?

Hello?

Yes?

Larry, could you
come in to discuss
these x-ray results?

You remember the
x-rays we took?

We can't discuss them
over the phone?

I think we'd be more
comfortable in person.

Can you come in?

When?
Now.

Now is good.
I've cleared
some time now.

Hey, Fagle!

Fagle, I got your...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON HEADPHONES)