Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

[footsteps]

- I think we did the right thing not entering a quiz team.

Let's just run the bar,

raise funds and not show people how smart I am.

- I'm proud of you for resisting your competitive streak.

- I'm the best at being non-competitive, right?

- That's the spirit.

- Although I'll probably will win best costume.

- Sexy pirate!

- The theme is New Zealand Icons.

- Jacinda Ardern?

- I'm the spitting image of Rita West from Westside?

- Ah, yes, I love that show.

- Plus, we lack some core trivia knowledge

for a complete team.

- Do we?

- Hine's Masters covers maths and science,

my double major covers sports and literature.

- Yeah, well I have a degree from the university of life.

And a diploma in design

from the Levin School of Art and Stuff.

Plus I know heaps about TV and movies.

- Everyone knows heaps about TV and movies.

- Hey, I am not as dumb as you think I look.

[dramatic music continues]

- We're going to make so much money tonight, wahine ma.

- Do people really get that drunk at a school quiz night?

- Yes. - Yes.

- Last year Violet's mum did "Baby Shark"

for two hours straight.

- And the year before that

the gym mats got used for things other than gym.

- Oh! It's a school function, guys!

- Oh, for a lot of mums

it's our big night out without the kids.

[vehicle hooting]

That'll be the booze.

[dramatic music continues]

[van boot banging]

- [sighs] There you go.

If you can just sign there please, sir?

- Oh no, I'm not an All Black.

I'm a Black Fern.

Aotearoa's wahine toa of rugby.

- Well, those wahine should be paid more.

- Yes they should.

- Right ladies, you guys have a good night.

- Wait, is that it?

- Yup. Have a good one.

- No, no there should be 12 cases.

I remember this cause it was after Heather explained

an overly complicated wine per parent ratio equation.

- It says here that you ordered 12 bottles.

- No, it's 12 cases.

- [laughs] Yeah, it's just that you've signed it.

- Yeah, but I didn't read it.

[laughing]

Isn't there more in your van?

- Yes, there is but that's for people

who know how to order things online

and read things before they sign them.

So, you ladies have a good night.

[dramatic music continues]

- Can't we have one fundraising event

where you don't mess things up?

- I don't mess everything up.

- Except for when you freeze sausages,

spread nits or think you're a real fast runner.

- All those are isolated incidents that sure,

when you put them close together like that,

they sound like maybe I'm a little bit useless.

- I'll go to the Land of Liquor and get more wine.

- I'll text ahead, let them know your coming.

People will be here soon, this won't hold them for long.

- I could raid the staffroom?

- Let me come with you,

we don't want you getting stuck in another kid's chair.

- That was one time.

[door lock opening]

You've got a school key?

- You would be surprised what brazen confidence

and never taking no for an answer will get you.

- The sausage sizzle feels so long ago.

I can't believe how much money we've raised this year.

What's that?

Answers to next week's maths quiz.[laughs]

Wait.

Are those the answers to next week's maths quiz?

- No, it's next years class list.

Cinnamon is with Mr Dyer?!

I do not think so.

- Dammit!

Ryan's with Tristan Carter the phantom farter again.

- Is that the boy that distracts him all the time?

- Yes, he just does fart gags the whole time.

Last week Ryan spoke entirely in farts,

the Dental nurse was not impressed.

- Just speak to his mum.

- Oh, I can't, cause she's the most delightful human alive.

- Oh.

I hope Hine gets enough.

That staffroom was sadly under-stocked.

- I still feel like you're overestimating

how much people are actually gonna drink.

- Last year the post quiz disco went till 11.00 a.m.

- Wow. [phone vibrates]

Hey, that was quick.

- They know me there.

- I don't believe it.

The Quinn's have just pulled their offer for a bach weekend

as the grand prize?

- Oh, that wasn't my fault.

- Well I don't know the facts yet.

- Isn't that the family

whose driveway you accidentally parked over yesterday?

- I don't recall.

So, what we don't have a huge prize.

Is that really such a big deal?

- Yes! - Yes!

- Parents quiz nights at Kate Sheppard

are about three things.

- Drinking, prizes and drinking.

- Okay, well let's just bump up one of the other prizes.

What have we got for best costume?

- Wine.

- Best team name?

- Wine.

- The best silly answer involving Kate Sheppard?

- Wine. - Wine.

- Well, I'm starting to see

how these things get out of hand.

[dramatic music continues]

Yo, yo, yo.

DJ Jazzy Jess in the house.

Yeah, that works

- Great minds think alike.

- Oh no, I'm not an All Black,

I'm legendary Black Fern Kendra Cocksedge.

Rugby player of the year who just happens to be a woman.

- Same.

- Well, I guess that makes sense: Cocksedge, Coxhead,

you've both got something in common. [clears throat]

- Is everything, and by that I mean Heather, under control?

- We lost the grand prize.

- Not ideal.

- But we should be alright with wine for prizes, right?

- The last thing this quiz needs is more alcohol.

Last year I had 99 problems and they were all drunk mums.

- Not ideal.

Hey, on an unrelated note,

would you say that the classes for next year

are set in stone?

- Maybe the winners get

to choose their kid's teacher next year?

- Really?!

- And two friends to be in their class?

- I have two friends.

[dramatic music continues]

- That is the single greatest prize

in the history of prizes.

- I know.

- I could hand-select Cinnamon's teacher.

- And I could get Ryan

away from Tristan Carter the phantom farter.

- We could choose to have our kids in the same class.

- Yes!

- I think maybe we need to enter a quiz team tonight.

- I think you might be right.

- I'm always right. [laughs]

So what should our quiz team be called?

- The Fun Raisers?

- The Fun Raisers?

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

- What about Mean Mums?

- That's very confusing,

"mean" as in mean or "mean" as in cool?

- Or mean as in the mathematical expression of average.

- Yeah, right I guess I was sort of meaning as in like cool,

but yeah it is quite a confusing name.

- Oh, The Junior Fundraising Committee?

- Great offer there, Heather, little too long,

what about the JFC?

Hine! You down with JFC?

- Yeah, you know me.

- Who down with JFC?

- The Fun Raisers it is.

[clears throat]

- Okay.

[dramatic music continues]

- Hey Hine, how's that wine taste?

- Like my husband's doing sports drop-offs in the morning.

[laughing]

- We should steal Kate from "Suffragette City".

She's a lecturer at the university plus she wears glasses.

- Guys, don't worry, I'm good at quizzes.

- I'll offer her bottomless wine.

- Whatever it takes.

We're desperate.

- Come on I don't screw up everything that I touch.

- I think she'll cover all our weak spots.

[dramatic music continues]

- And a hush filled the room.

- [All] Hush.

- Just a reminder to parents

that the use of mobile phones is prohibited.

At Kate Sheppard Primary cheating is not cool,

it is not clever and it will result in lines.

But not the kind of lines

that people got banned for doing last year.

[laughing]

- Jess?

- What? Okay, sure, sure, sure.

[dramatic music continues]

[clapping]

[dramatic music continues]

- [clears throat] Welcome to parents quiz night.

[cheering]

Drinks are available,

courtesy of the junior fundraising committee.

Please consume responsibly.

- Wooo! Yeah! Quiz night!

Wooo!

- Ready Kate?

[dramatic music continues]

- First round is science.

- Oh, I know science.

- I know you do, love.

- Question one:

what metalloid element on the periodic table

is represented by the letter B?

- Boron.

- I'm not a moron.

- No, boron.

- Oh, yeah, boron, boron.

Definitely boron.

[group chattering]

- Boron.

[dramatic music continues]

[sipping loudly]

- And finally question 10:

which New Zealand Scientist discovered

that atoms are not indestructible?

- I don't feel so indestructible.

- Oh, oh, oh.

[running footsteps]

[puking]

- Oh!

- In hindsight bottomless wine may have been unwise.

- Who would have thought?

- And so it begins.

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

Coming into round two we have a tie for first place.

We have "Suffragette City"-

- Yes! I knew we would win.

[mums cheering]

- And "Who Let the Mums Out?".

[mums cheering]

Second place is the teachers team

"Quiz it you or quiz it me?".

[cheering and clapping]

- I don't believe this.

- And third equal is "The Dads Brigade".

- Yeah! [cheering]

- And The Fun Raisers.

- We got eight out of ten in the last round

and only came third?

- Sorry, that's my fault.

We would have nine if I didn't convince you guys

that Manuka Honey was an element.

- Your argument was very convincing.

- Thanks.

- I'm surprised the Dads did so well.

- It's cause they cheated.

- What?!

- That cricket bat's actually an iPhone.

- I do love telling on people.

[whispering]

- The Dads Brigade have been disqualified

for answer tampering.

- Come on ref!

What?!

- How's that?

Like cricket.

- Good one.

Hey, is Kate okay?

- Yeah, I think she's just sleeping it off.

[snoring]

- Alright, I'm just gonna nip to the loo.

Are you guys gonna be okay without me?

- Yeah, take your time.

Hine, I've got another little follow up surprise for you.

- It has also come to my attention

that "Oh My Lorde" with an e,

is made up entirely of nannies

and contains no staff or parents.

Which is against the rules so they are disqualified.

- I just got engaged to a Dad, like does that count?

- No.

We're just about to take a break.

Could those parents that are playing spin the bottle,

please stop.

[upbeat music]

- Hi Tristan's mum!

Oh, I love the whoa...

- Kia ora, talofa?

Kei te pehia koe? - Kei te pehia koe!

I love Suzy Cato! Yas!

- She's actually my cousin.

- That would explain why you're so nice.

- Thank you.

- Congratulations on coming second.

- Hey, don't worry,

if "Who Let the Mums Out?" wins I'll make sure Tristan

and Ryan are in the same class again.

- Oh, you don't have to do that.

- No, wait would be my pleasure, please.

- Please don't do that.

- Yes, please!

- I don't want it!

- I'm going to.

- Please no.

- Yes! [laughs]

- See you see you later.

Time to say goodbye.

- Okay, bye!

[laughs]

- Red?

- Thanks.

- Oh, easy.

Okay, now we really need to win this thing

otherwise my son is not going to learn anything next year

except how to make a fart sound with his armpit.

- Cinnamon won't learn anything in Mr Dyer's class either.

He thinks homework should be voluntary.

- And it'd be nice for us all to be together.

- Yeah.

- I won't cheat though.

- Oh, neither. - Neither.

- One water, please.

- Wouldn't like a cheeky red?

- Things are already getting out of hand.

I just had to break up a fight

between Steven and Valerie Adams.

And I need a clear head to run the quiz.

Oh, do you need...

- Oh, no.

- Let's discount the wine.

- The wine we're selling to raise funds

of which every cent counts?

- It took Kate out of the running.

- Yeah, and it would definitely slow down those lightweights

from "Suffragette City" and "Who Let the Mums Out?"

- Let's be part of the problem.

- Yes! Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Discount wine!

Who wants it? [cheering]

[rock music]

♪ Yeah

♪ Just give me that

♪ Yeah just give me that

[rock music continues]

Hey, nice costume!

- A bottle of your cheapest wine for the underpaid teachers

who are winning, please.

- Well it's actually two for the price of one at the moment,

although I don't understand why you wanna win.

Isn't the prize of choosing your kid's teacher

kinda useless to you?

- It cuts both ways,

teachers can choose what child to have

or not have in their class.

- Oh, oh.

- Oh, you and Hine are alright but Cinnamon's mum,

definitely on the naughty list.

- Well hey, here's another bottle, on the house.

[doors opening]

- Who are you supposed to be?

- I'm famous New Zealand icon Rita West.

- Oh, I couldn't tell.

- Hey, I really need to talk to you.

- Hey, are you the mum that got locked in the art cupboard

and the fire fighters had to cut you out?

- Only for like a second.

- You're kind of a legend to the mums in my team.

What a smart way to meeting firefighters.

- Oh, well I'm glad my misfortune could be an entertainment.

- They are outrageous.

- Can you believe

that she thinks she's a better Rita West than me?

- She's so not.

[dramatic music]

[snoring]

- I'll do it myself.

- So if we lose, either Ryan gets stuck with fart boy,

or I get unfairly penalised for caring too deeply

about my daughter's education?

- That's about it.

- We need to get every answer right in the final round.

- Looks like "Suffragette City" are out.

- Wake up!

It's embarrassing.

- So it's just us,

"Who Let the Mums Out?" and the teachers left.

We've got a shot.

- Okay.

- Tahi, rua?

- [All] Toru, wha. Tory, wha.

- The final round will be...

- Come on Movies and TV.

Come on Movies and TV.

- Kate Sheppard Primary trivia.

- Bring it on.

- That is not what I wanted to hear.

[upbeat music]

- So Kate Sheppard Primary trivia, we can do that?

- What, better than the teachers

or those old mums from "Who Let the Mums Out?"?

- Well, there are only three teams left

so let's do best of three and wrap this booze fest up.

Also, if anyone has lost a Pavlova,

she's passed out in the toilets.

Question one:

what flower does Kate Sheppard

share the ten dollar bill with?

- Camellia.

- Teachers never have cash.

[tense music]

- Question two:

before the fire, which was definitely an accident,

how many classrooms did we have?

- Too easy.

- How did you know that?

- I knew that, too.

- Oh.

- And lastly,

what year did Kate Sheppard Primary finally allow girls

to learn maths?

- What?

- 1921?

- How am I supposed to know that?

I wasn't there.

- I know this one.

- I'm not being mean,

but we don't have time to indulge your fantasies right now.

- No, remember when I locked myself in the art cupboard?

- It was in my top ten Jess mess-ups.

- It's one of my top three.

- Okay, while I was waiting for the fire department

to cut me out,

I only had one thing to read

which was an old school newsletter,

funnily enough, about girls and maths.

Finally one of my Jess-ups saved the day.

- I quite liked it when you got stuck in that jumper

for five minutes, too. [laughs]

- Oh yeah, that was a good one. [laughs]

[dramatic music continues]

- And the winners are ,

The Fun Raisers.

[cheering and laughing]

- [Heather] Oh, thank god.

Yes! - [Jess] Yes!

[cheering and laughing]

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

- So who are you gonna choose

for Ryan's teacher next year?

- Who do you recommend?

- No one's ever asked me that.

[laughing]

I'll let you in on a little secret,

most kids are fine with most teachers.

- I dare you to tell Heather that.

- Maybe later.

[upbeat music continues]

- Well, I guess I just want Ryan with Braxton and Cinnamon.

- Consider it done.

- And not in Tristan's class.

- The phantom farter? [laughing]

You got it.

- So, you know, I knew the winning answer, right?

- Really?

- Oh, you probably don't remember.

I just thought I'd told you

what I was reading for those three hours

when I was relaxing in the art cupboard.

- I remembered.

♪ Go on and on

♪ You set my heart on fire than a fire wax ♪

♪ I can feel congratulation

♪ With your fate falling down from the universe ♪

♪ Like it's a celebration

♪ You make me feel like I got a big surprise ♪

♪ On my favourite occasion

[upbeat music]