Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

- Just give me the keys. - Give me the keys.

Give me the keys.

It's Kringle Time!

There are, like, forty people counting on me...

Oh everyone's always counting on you, Gary!

Everyone always needs you, Gary!

Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary!

The spotlight shines real bright, doesn't it, Gary?

I know it's not Mister Goddamn Wizard,

but they still need someone to run the fucking show

and in order to run the fucking show,

I need to get to the fucking show

and in order to get to the fucking show,

I need the fucking car!

Blinders, Jerry!

My Car!

So what if it's in your name?

You are more than this.

You are more than the job you hold.

You are more than the town where you live.

You are a shining ball in the darkness of existence.

We're at ten minutes, Jer.

On my way.

- Herb's not at set. - What? Where is he?

I don't know. But he's not at set.

Intern said he's not in the dressing room either.

Ten minutes!

Hey Gunther, my trash still hasn't been taken out.

- Fünf minuten. - It's been four days,

can you take care of it, please?

- Jawohl! - Can you just say "Yes"

- in the future? - Jawohl.

I don't speak German, Gunther.

Hey... who are you...

Have you seen Herb?

Welcome to Goshen Public-Access, Mr. Mayor.

Oh, Jerry, you've met Rodney, right?

Mayor Jorkins, don't think I've had the pleasure.

Hiya Jerry, the pleasure's all mine!

Did you vote for me?

I'm just joshin' ya!

But did you vote for me?

- Uh, Daphne? - What!

- Seen Herb? - I haven't seen him.

- The Herb? - Very nice to meet you, sir.

All right, love you, bye.

- Meow, meow... - You guys seen Herb?

Jer-Bear, we're in the middle of something.

Please don't call me Jer-Bear, I just want...

♪ Leave us the fuck alone ♪

Bye.

♪ Leave us the fuck alone ♪

- Jerry, where the fuck is Herb? - Looking for him right now.

I need to mic him up before we go live.

Sound doesn't penetrate a fucking snowsuit, Jerry.

- I'm on it, Karen. - Aw thanks, asshat.

Six minutes.

Good morning, Goshen.

Morning.

Good morning, Goshen!

- Good morning Go-shen... - Ernest!

- Have you seen Herb? - What?

- Herb. - What?

I... I don't know, Jerry.

Okay.

Hey, have we checked his dressing room?

The sign on the door says "In Kringle Time."

I just assumed he's on set.

- That's not what that means. - What does it mean?

Herb needs personal time during the day.

- He calls it "Kringle Time." - Well it's also the name

of the show, so it's just confusing.

It is confusing, thank you, Greg.

- Herb, we're at... - Jerry, I have to quit.

Wh... can we talk about this later?

No, I'm sorry.

Herb, we gotta stop burning through interns.

It's this place, Jerry.

When your dad and I started this show,

I never thought I'd be here now.

We really don't have time for this today.

Three decades and here I am.

Gathering dust inside a fraying snowman.

Doesn't sound so bad.

You're a fuck-up, Jerry.

You don't know nothing.

Okay.

- Hey, big love. - Tell me the mantra again.

Take the turn!

Come on, Grayson, you fuck!

Is that my daughter on the phone?

- Yes. - ...At the fucking Hamptons!

Herb won't come to set, what's the thing you said last time?

Come on, Grayson, you're better than this.

- What did you say last time? - Oh.

Tell him there's only one Kringles.

Can't control our legacy, Jerry.

That's... that's what I figured out.

At the end of the day, our life's just a...

There's only one Kringles.

Fuck it.

Karen, found your snowman!

- How you doing, love? - For fuck's sake, Herb!

Ugh, God, you smell like piss on the rocks.

- Yeah, well... - We got two minutes!

I feel like Brooklyn is where I belong,

but Manhattan is, like, my soul.

- Uptown or downtown? - No, Manhattan.

- You found Herb? - Yeah.

- Is he drunk? - Where's the mayor?

Oh Jesus.

Mr. Mayor.

Is this 4K, or what?

Yeah, it's great, huh?

Don't wander off.

- Yeah, great technology. - Mhm.

- You use three cameras on this? - That's right.

Herb, you good?

As good as it gets, Jer.

Meant to say that kids are the bane of my existence,

but that's, you know, you do what you gotta do, right?

This place that I got in Brooklyn...

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we are live in...

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Fade up title.

- Is that here? - Nope, up one.

- Okay, there. - It's Kringle Time!

And we're live.

♪ Whenever you feel sadness ♪

♪ And your face is full of frownies ♪

♪ Yesterday was uppies ♪

♪ But today you have the downies ♪

♪ Then maybe you should call upon ♪

♪ That shining ball of snow ♪

♪ And if you've never met him ♪

♪ Then there's something you should know ♪

And camera two, you are live.

♪ His name is Kringles ♪

♪ And when he swings his magic lasso you'll feel tingles ♪

♪ And you'll sing "Scrip-a-doo-banana-jamma" ♪

♪ Scrip-a-doo-banana-jamma ♪

♪ Kringles ♪

♪ He is the man of snow who can do anythingles ♪

♪ When you sing "Scrip-a-doo-banana-jamma" ♪

♪ Scrip-a-doo-banana-jamma ♪

Uh oh, cowpokes!

I don't have enough magical power

to do the Kringle Twist yet.

You must not be wishing hard enough.

And mark.

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ Yippie-yah-yo ♪

♪ Instead of eyes, he has two holes ♪

♪ And he can see into your souls ♪

♪ And his terrifying power just grows stronger ♪

Standby camera one for Kringles Korner, that'll take us out.

♪ With every breath you take ♪

Anger me at your own peril.

We love you, Kringles!

You're the snowman!

And camera two, you're live.

Let's find out what we got today.

Whoa, It looks like Kringles got a letter!

What does it say, Kringles?

Let's find out, Jaxon.

Let's see here.

"Dear Kringles..."

"Dear Kringles..."

What's going on, Herb?

S... sorry Kringles...

is having a...

Should I cut, Jerry?

Herb, Herb! Don't say anything and do not...

Call 911!

Get the goddamn suit off of him!

Would you stop!

I'm trying to help!

Just call the goddamn ambulance!

Jerry, how do I cut again?

It's the red goddamn button, Ethel!

Come on, Herb.

Never take off the...

Thank you, Gunther.

In accordance with Herb's final wishes,

his ashes will be scattered

in this parking lot.

Where he met his beloved ex-wife, Sue Ann.

His daughter, Layla, who was also conceived

in this parking lot, will now say a few words.

Sweetheart, you ready?

My father was a snowman.

Love you, daddy.

What good can be said about Herb

that was not already said by Herb?

He was a man who demanded much from others.

And less... much less from himself.

Oh god, the board is miles up my ass.

- They want to pull the plug. - They can't do that.

They can do anything they want.

It's public-access.

You're not gonna let them.

I don't want to make enemies, Jer.

They're giving me one show, Jer.

A comeback show to de-traumatize the kids or whatever.

Well that oughta be fun, without a Kringles.

Our target audience is five-year-olds.

We could swap the body out of that suit mid-episode

and they wouldn't notice.

You, uh...

got someone in mind or?

From where I'm standing,

I can see one person who could do the job right now.

You mean?

Over there, Jerry.

Look where I'm looking.

What, Mark? That guy's an idiot.

- He's young, he's handsome. - Who cares if he's handsome?

He's gonna be inside of a snowman.

- He's great with the kids. - Yeah

because they recognize their own kind.

Trust me, Jerry, he's the one.

You are looking at the future of Kringle Time.

Hopefully, for a good many years.

Daphne.

Yeah?

- I quit... - Excuse me,

are we ready to do this?

Yeah, let's do it!

Come on, let's go.

Ready for what?

Okay, uh, thank you all for, uh, for coming.

"I, Herbert Lott Kelley,

resident of the City of Goshen,

declare this document to be my last will and testament.

To Gunther, I leave my collection

of presidential commemorative coins.

I trust you know what to do with them.

To the current Mayor of Goshen" that would be Mr. Jorkins

"I bequeath the hon..." Why are you... you don't have to stand.

I'm just gonna, like, rattatat through this, so you can.

Okay.

Thank you.

"To the current Mayor of Goshen, I bequeath the honor

of erecting a statue in my likeness..."

Jerry, he said "erecting."

- It would be my great honor... - Why are you...

To erect a statue of Herb.

Could you write that down, that it would be my great honor?

- No, that's not my job. - Okay, sure.

- Could you just... - I accept this task.

All right, here we go.

"To my beautiful daughter, Layla, I bequeath my house..."

Present.

"And all possessions in it, unless otherwise noted."

"And next, the role of Kringles the Snowman,

including snowman suit and all paraphernalia"

in my dressing room, including my safe and its contents

are hereby bequeathed to Jericho Perkins."

Who the hell's that?

Jerry, can I talk to you for a second?

Uh.

Production meeting, 4 o'clock tomorrow.

You're gonna graciously step down and pass the torch

to that beautiful idiot over there.

- Jerry! - Or I swear to God,

Jerry Perkins.

I will destroy you.

All right, love you, see you tomorrow.

The door... the door's locked.

Jerry!

Love you.

The show was his life.

You know, growing up, I probably saw him more often in that suit

than I saw him out of it.

I'm not asking you to put me through what he did.

But don't listen to anyone, Jerry.

God knows he never fucking did.

♪ If I had my way... ♪

God!

Morning, Gunther.

Guten tag, Jerry.

- Did you take my trash out yet? - Fünf minuten, Jerry.

♪ I would tear this whole building down... ♪

Good morning, Goshen!

This week, we said goodbye to Herb Kelley.

Our beloved... beloved snowman.

Goshen Public-Access, this is Jerry.

Yes, this was our first on-air death.

- Mr. Perkins? - Yes.

Jasmine.

You're Herb's new intern.

Just get you down here, it's Jasmine?

Okay, um, so Herb's dead.

- Let's pour one out.. - Ernest.

- ...for Herb. - Ernest, don't pour that...

Uh, yeah, so Tuesday I slapped a subordinate.

Yeah, I know, Father, but I don't have time to come in.

We do not intentionally remind our viewers

of their own mortality, no.

So these are the editing bays right here.

Hey fellas, how we doing?

- Oh it's a nightmare. - Okay.

So the studio's down there, just a heads-up,

we had to disable these smoke detectors.

They kept going off.

We have a lot of fires.

Old equipment and stuff.

But no big deal, Gunther's on point

with the fire extinguisher, right Gunther?

- Jawohl. - No worries there.

♪ If I had my way I would tear this whole damn town... ♪

Hey guys, just a reminder, production meeting at 4.

Jerry, hey, just a reminder to eat a dick.

Nailed it.

- Great, thanks. - Bye.

Actually, the show has nothing to do with Christmas.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Herb.

Good bo... good day, Herb.

So, what am I going to be doing here?

Oh, uh, we'll think of something.

♪ If I had my way... ♪

Good show, Ernest.

♪ I'd tear this whole building down... ♪

Welcome aboard.

♪ If I had my way, I would tear this whole building down ♪

You are a shining ball

in the darkness of existence.

- Hey Jerry! - Ah.

- Mayor Jorkins. - Yes, sir.

We've met.

As you know, I've been entrusted with the task

of building a statue of Herb and I was hoping

to grab a couple of minutes of your time.

I've never worked on statues before,

so I need all the help I can get on something...

Yeah, yeah I actually have to jump into a meeting real quick,

- so I'm just gonna... - Great, this will only

take a second, are we thinking bronze or marble?

Yeah, that's uh, uh-huh.

Great, well we'll circle back around on the statue later then.

Personally, I think the bronze works great,

but that's just my opinion.

Yeah, it's in Williamsburg.

Ugh, oh my gosh, I love Williamsburg.

That's so cute.

If I put down my deposit by the 14th,

I could move in, like, next month.

Do it, do it, do it!

- Guys, I have something to say. - Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey, hey, you guys, you guys, the boss is here.

I'm not your boss.

Hey, Jerry, raise your hand.

That's how many people care.

Ah, okay.

Hey Jerry, Jerry, if you respected yourself

a little more, you'd probably fix a lot of problems

at work, bro, and at home!

Okay, great.

Um, so look I, uh...

I grew up with Kringle Time.

Okay, I... I believe in Kringle Time.

I've given my life to this station because of Kringle Time.

When I was nine years old,

I started writing down my ideas for the show.

And more than anything in the entire world

I wanted to be Kringles.

- Is he gonna cry? - I'm not just a pencil pusher.

Okay, I've been planning this my entire life.

And I know you guys don't trust me, but...

Herb did, so trust him.

Show me.

♪ Move with the hip ♪

♪ Shake it up, salt on the cup, gets there teen ♪

♪ You've been working on your flirting ♪

♪ With the weekend you can freak out ♪

♪ One in a million ♪

♪ You're a gem, shine when the light grows dim ♪

♪ Say one, two, three, four, three, two, one ♪

♪ Cause no one can do it like we do it ♪

♪ Like we do it, like we do it ♪

♪ Cause no one can do it like we do it ♪

♪ Like we do it, like we do it ♪

♪ Cause no one can do it like we do it ♪

♪ Like we do it, like we do it ♪

♪ Cause no one can do it like we do it, like we do it ♪

♪ Like we do it ♪

♪ We got the right stuff ♪

♪ We put the hammer right down ♪

♪ You want to be like us ♪

♪ You better stick around ♪

♪ If you want it, you gotta prove it ♪

♪ Like we do it, like we do it ♪

Or not.

Awful, Jerry, very awful.

That's the weirdest shit I've ever seen, man.

Sit down, Jerry.

Jerry.

Who is Kringles?

Kringles is a magical snowman from Alaska

who was brought to life by an ice wizard.

He's fueled by the power of wishes.

Hm, wrong.

Kringles is a knock-off Frosty

the station didn't have to license.

Okay, Kringles is way different than Frosty the Snowman,

- that's... - Oh, how?

Uh, well he has a lasso, for one thing.

Hm, and why does a snowman need a lasso, Jerry?

Uh, because, Daphne,

the lasso contains the spirit of Arizona Willie,

which of course can only be summoned

with the magical chant by the children.

Scrip-a-doo-banana-jamma, I don't really understand

the question, it's in the goddamn song.

Yeah but... look, I'm not gonna have this argument with you.

Kringles was the cheapest costume they could afford,

and it went from there.

My apologies, I should have been a little more specific...

Listen to the goddamn song.

Who is Kringles to you?

What?

Who is Kringles to you?

Kringles taught me right from wrong.

He told me to believe in myself.

He was my first friend.

Right.

Now say we do...

whatever that is and it hits home with one kid,

one future Jerry out there who really connects with it.

But in doing so, we've robbed a hundred other normal kids

of that relationship with Kringles

that you just mentioned.

Does that seem worth it, Jerry?

Good morning Goshen.

Goshen, city of Goshen.

Goshen Public Works announced that the pothole

on 2nd and Gage has been filled in.

I guess you could call it a not-hole now.

And fear not, snowman fans.

Because it's been confirmed

that Kringles The Snowman will live on.

In the capable hands of Jerry Perkins.

So tune in on Saturday at the regular time,

coming up this Saturday.

And why don't we all wish Jerry...

Let's wish Jerry good times.

Jerry's playing Kringles.

Jerry, how we doing, buddy?

You ready to get started? You feel good? You look good.

- Yeah, let's go, come on! - All right.

Pow pow!

- Pow! - Pow.

Keep it positive, keep it fresh, keep it bright

and we're gonna do it big, okay?

Just like every day. Here we go.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Shimmy and Kringle Twist!

Ugh!

Good girl.

Dog Store, this is Layla speaking.

I can't do it. I'm freaking out.

- Just breathe, Jerry. - I'm too old.

I'm old and I'm soft and I'm gonna die someday.

- You're not gonna die, Jerry. - We're all gonna die!

And I'm gonna be forgotten, like George Lazenby.

- Who? - That's what I mean.

He was James Bond, Layla.

Freaking James Bond!

And now he's dead and forgotten.

Or maybe he's still alive. I don't know, I don't know.

Nobody knows, you know why? Because nobody gives a fuck

about George Lazenby!

You know the combination to your dad's safe?

- I don't. - He left me a safe

with no combination, I mean, who does that?

I gotta go, babe, okay?

There's whiskey in here and I need it.

You're gonna do great, all right, just...

- Big love. - Big love.

You are more than this...

Dad?

Blinders, Jerry.

- Hey there, Jerry. - Shit.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Are you jerkin' it, dude? - What? No. I'm not... no.

- Hey guys, Jerry's jerking it! - I'm not jerking it!

God.

Hey man, have a good jerk.

I'm not... I'm not jerk... Naveed!

Hiya Jerry, Mayor Jorkins.

Yes sir, we've met numerous times.

- You got a minute? - I'm actually really busy,

- I've got a... - It'll just take a second.

I'm sorry I gotta...

- What am I doing? - No, no.

Come on, you want some coffee?

Let's get some coffee.

Yeah, okay.

I can't do it, Jerry.

I'm not gonna get it done, and then I'm just gonna be

some guy who didn't build a statue at all.

- Okay, hey, here you go. - Thank you, Jerry.

Yeah.

That's hot.

It's a fresh pot.

Mm.

I should just quit.

I don't know why I thought I could do this.

Hey, look, it's just a statue.

I mean, don't kill yourself building a monument

to Herb's massive ego.

Just a statue?

No, Jerry.

A statue is history.

A statue is important.

A statue looks to the future and says,

"Hey future, I'm dead.

But I wasn't always dead.

And when I was alive...

I mattered."

You just need a little help.

Look, hey, there's this guy who helped Gunther a few years ago

put the wainscoting in out back,

maybe he's still got his contact.

I'll ask him, all right?

Hey Gunther... Jesus.

You still got the card for that guy who...

Thank you, Gunther.

Here, maybe that'll help.

Give him a call.

- Thanks, Jerry. - Yeah.

Oh, what are we?

Okay, all right.

- Thank you, Jerry. - Oh god.

All right, why don't... no, no.

This is a lot.

- Zip. - Zap.

- Zip. - Zap.

- Zap. - Zip.

- Zip. - Zap.

- Zip, - Zap.

- Zip. - Zip... oh.

- You guys are coming for me. - Guys?

It's okay, it's all right, buddy.

Let's do it again, do it again.

- Guys? - What, Jerry?

- This shit again. - What's up, Jerry?

I just want to say um...

I know you guys don't think I can do this...

Oh my God, you're like a broken record.

Shut up, this is a different thing.

I don't want to fight you guys, okay?

And I'm not going to, I want to be a team player.

I've been given a huge opportunity here,

and I just, uh...

I won't let you down.

What are you doing?

We miss him too, bro.

Feeling strong there today, Jer.

Okay, remember, it's absolutely not Christmas.

And here we go.

Ba-na-na-jamma!

♪ Ah ♪

Jerry, chin up, chin up, chin up, Jerry.

And five, six, seven, eight.

Yes, yes!

That's what I'm talking about!

♪ His name is Kringles ♪

Sorry.

Boom! There we go!

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

Oh my God, Jerry, what!

Shimmy and Kringle Twist!

- Do the wiggy, wiggy way. - Ah!

Yeah, they invited me out for drinks.

- Oh that's great, Jer! - I know, right?

Hey, is it all right if I miss the race?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

I'll see you later tonight.

- Big love. - Big love.

Okay, okay, Kringles Resurrection dress rehearsal,

let's pick it up from right before the cult chant.

And cue, Jaxon.

I'm so glad you're back, Kringles!

Oh thank you, Jaxon!

And this time, I promise I will live forever.

We will never die!

We will never die!

- We will never die! - Okay, okay, okay.

You guys, that sounds fucking great!

We will never die! We will never die!

We will never die! We will never die!

We will never die.

Then last week, I fucked my sister's widower.

I mean, his ass is incredible, though.

No, she died fine, it was...

Yeah? Oh, all right.

Hey, Father? Yeah, I gotta go.

All right, love you, bye. Yes, Jerry?

Uh, I just had a question about the script.

Okay?

It seems like we're kind of telling kids

that death doesn't matter.

Hmm, it's interesting you picked up on that,

because that's exactly what we're telling them.

Ah and you don't think that's kind of um...

I don't know...

uh, irresponsible?

Do you remember our conversation, Jerry?

About giving people what they want?

You know what kids want?

Death.

They love it.

I'm fucking with you, Jerry!

Kids hate death, they want their snowman alive,

- that's what they want. - It just seems like this

could be like a teachable moment, or...

Come here.

Sit.

Now, I was waiting to give this to you.

Partly out of vindictiveness, I'll admit, but...

- The magic lasso? - Mhm.

You've earned it, Jerry.

Now.

I don't want you to worry about the script.

Okay?

Kringles is a symbol.

What good would it do to ruin that, huh?

It's the night before the show.

I want you to take Layla out for a nice dinner and celebrate.

Make her feel like a real woman, can you do that, Jerry?

Yeah?

Good boy.

Woo, I do not plan on being the executive director

of a public-access station my whole life, Jerry.

Tomorrow, everything changes.

To Kringles.

Yep.

Daphne gave me the lasso today.

Didn't Dad leave you that in his will?

No... yeah, he did, she just gave it to me today.

Okay.

Cool.

Are you, like, mad at me about something?

No, I'm just hungry.

Can you slow down, please?

Excuse me? Lady, can you?

Just bring the whole fucking bottle.

Thank you.

- It feels like you're mad at me. - No, I'm not mad at you, Jerry,

I just had a long day going through my dead father's shit.

So what, you want to eat dinner at home every night

for the rest of your life?

I'm going to the bathroom.

- To poop, Jerry! - Okay.

- What's the matter, cowpoke? - Jesus Christ!

No.

There is only Kringles.

Are you?

Uh, man!

Think of the children.

Can we go home?

I'm tired.

Ugh.

You ready?

You need to puke?

Are you not opening your mouth 'cause you're afraid

you're gonna puke?

You'll be fine, big guy, come on!

Right?

I mean, you better be fine.

'Cause this show has got to be fucking spectacular.

You read me, Jerry?

Hey.

All right.

Love yah, see you on the ice.

Fade up twelve.

Oh no, Kringles fell down!

What can we do?

Well, Jaxon, sometimes people fall down

and don't get back up again.

And Kringles...

Oh, what?

I'm alive!

'Atta baby, Jer.

Stand by, camera two.

Kringles is back, baby!

Um, excuse me.

- Jerry? - I got it, I got it.

Thank you all so much.

This has really been a dream come true,

and I just want to thank every single one of you

for making it happen!

To Jerry!

Suck my dick, Luigi.

Heather!

Right? The intern!

Yeah!

Man, you were there for what? Six, seven?

A day. I was there for a day.

Was it a day?

Oh, well, you know what?

We miss you Heather, wish you could have stayed.

Me too. What'll you have, Jerry?

- You know, I'm gonna have a... - Jerry!

Mayor Jorkins, oh, you're so handsome!

Hey Jerry, great news on the Herb statue.

I called that guy, I paid him extra.

I had to do a little creative thing with the finances

so people wouldn't, you know, taxpayer... but anyway!

It's gonna be ready in two weeks!

Two weeks, ah!

I'm spending so much money on this, and I am loving it.

You're really building a statue for that guy?

Damn right, baby, seventy feet tall!

It's gonna be about six feet tall.

It's gonna block out the sun!

It's roughly Herb-sized.

- Can we have some shots? - Two shots!

Heather is the best because she brings me shots.

Here we go!

Love you.

Good job!

You were a grumpy son-of-a-bitch, Herb.

But thank you.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh shit.

Hi there, Jerry.

Hi, Herb.

Now, if you're watching this, I'm dead.

Probably from liver failure,

or a car accident, or a shootout.

You probably also realize that I left you Kringles,

which I think is incredibly kind of me,

so don't fuck it up, Jerry.

Now, I would like you do to a favor for me.

In that safe, there's a shoebox marked Kringle Time.

I want you to take that shoebox

and destroy it.

Do not open it, do not ask questions,

just destroy it.

I want you to burn it.

Burn it till there is nothing left.

That's all I need you to do for me.

Try not to fuck up, Jerry.

Love ya.

Oh!

Jesus. Oh!

♪ Who are you coming in so close ♪

♪ So close, you might scare me away ♪

This monument will stand to a true icon of Goshen.

Herb was one of our greatest treasures.

This monument will immortalize his deeds forever.

♪ 'Cause, oh, maybe I'm damned ♪

♪ To be sad with monsters and men ♪

♪ 'Cause the places I've been ♪

♪ My dreams were awful bad ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

Maybe it's nothing.

Yeah.

It's not nothing, what am I saying?

- Oh, Jesus. - All right, Jerry,

calm the fuck down.

Does anyone else know about this?

Okay, so we have a choice.

Now, once we open that box, we may not have a choice.

This is one of those

Pandora's Cat kind of situations, Jerry.

I mean, I understand what you're saying.

I don't think that's the correct phrase, but...

Okay, okay, okay, think about it like this.

Herb's dead!

If anything was going on, it's over!

Whatever is in that box,

what good would it do to see the light of day?

I don't know, I just...

Listen to me.

We brought Kringles back from the dead!

Do you want to kill him again?

You open that box, and I promise you,

you will bring the show down.

And if the show goes down, I go down.

Do you want that?

Okay, okay.

Think about it like this, all right?

No!

Mark! Get me fire!

- Daphne, come on! - No!

Just let it go!

Gimme the goddamn box.

Just let it happen, Jerry!

No! No!

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, God, no!

No! God!

Fine!

Fine, take the box!

Oh, God, thank you.

No!

Ow!

No!

God!

Fuck!

She's so strong.

Why is she so strong? She's a freak.

- Jerry. - No!

Damn it! Jerry!

Just hear me out! Hear me out.

Look.

I've been talking to the board about giving you

creative control of Kringle Time.

They think you've done a hell of a job, Jerry.

I mean, I think you've done a hell of a job.

And the audience,

they love you!

We could ride this wave, Jerry.

I mean, Herb, he was content to be a big fish

in a small toilet, but you and I?

We think big.

We don't have to be stuck at Public Access

the rest of our lives.

Kringles could be on local affiliate stations, Jerry.

How does that sound?

If you want it, the show is yours.

Thank you all for coming.

You know, when Herb first gave me this task,

to build this monument in his honor,

I felt unworthy.

How could I, a humble mayor,

two-time all-state varsity swimming champion,

and veteran,

do justice to this great man?

But with all your support, we made this happen.

Thank you.

I want to thank Fabio.

Where's Fabio?

Thank you for all your late nights

on this project.

Love the ascot.

And thank you all for entrusting me

with this sacred task.

And I want to say,

without exaggeration,

that when I stand here tomorrow morning

and watch the sun crest over the shoulders

of this great man,

it'll be the greatest moment of my life.

- You know, when I... - I'll be right back.

...was a young boy, I visited the...

Heather!

Sorry, um...

- Why did you leave? - I have to get to work.

No, um, why did you leave the show?

Don't act like you don't know.

I... I don't.

You were the one who sent me to Kringle Time.

What... what do you mean?

You were an intern for the show.

- Thank you, Mr. Mayor. - Thank you, thank you, thanks.

I'd also like to take this opportunity

to announce the new creative director

of Kringle Time...

Mr. Jericho Perkins!

Here's to many more, Jerry!

- Thank you so much. - Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

- Truly. - Thank you, thank you.

You wanna get drunk?

- I hated her! - No, you didn't!

You had the biggest crush on her.

No, I didn't, she was dating...

she was dating that dude Ross.

She was dating that dude Ross,

I swear to God that dude couldn't count.

He couldn't count numbers.

Oh, Ross, yeah.

He was a dick, though, I would have dated her.

No, it was... it was Mrs. Clarkson,

she was math?

- Was she math? - No.

- Yes, she was math! - I don't think so.

Yes, because Dad had the hots for her!

- Did not know that. - Yes,

Dad wanted to do dick stuff to her.

Fucking Dad.

You've got the cutest face.

Where did you get that face?

- I don't know. - You're so cute.

Jerry!

What are you doing?

Stop it.

Jerry?

I feel like you want me to be something different...

than who I am.

So handsome.

I am not gonna remember this tomorrow.

I wonder if it even happened.

Where are you?

Where are you!

Where are you?

I wanna talk to you!

Hello, Jerry.

Show me Herb.

You're the all-powerful fuckin' demon thingy.

Show me Herb's face.

I wanna look him in the fucking eyes.

Show me, goddammit!

Hiya, Jer.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Hey, hey, settle down!

I didn't kill anybody.

Well, that's a low fuckin' bar, Herb.

Come on, man.

I've done nothing illegal.

You took advantage of those kids!

They weren't kids!

They're teenagers, we're talking about goddamn teenagers.

And I asked every one of them

if they would do it, and none of them said no.

You were fucking Kringles, man, they're not gonna say no to you!

Yeah, well, they were fine with it.

They don't look fucking fine, Herb!

You know what?

I'm fucking sick of this!

You drag me back from beyond the grave,

and after everything...

everything that I've done for you.

After everything you've done for me?

You never gave a shit about me.

Even when you gave me my dream job,

you fucking poisoned it.

The only reason I'm here

is 'cause you knew I'd do your dirty work for you.

What have you given me, huh?

Besides dangle a fucking carrot in front of me for 20 years?

Oh, wah, wah, poor little boy!

Make a life for yourself, Jerry.

You could have left at any time, but you didn't.

Why?

Because your dreams weren't big enough,

and you knew it.

This is all beside the point.

You had a responsibility to those kids,

and you fucking betrayed us.

Yeah, well don't pretend you didn't know

- what was happening. - I didn't know!

All that line of interns that quit

after going into Kringle Time with me?

You knew what was going on.

You just chose to ignore it.

That makes you as guilty as me.

I 100% never lassoed an intern, Herb.

"I never lassoed an intern."

You wanna do something about it?

I'm ashes.

I don't care.

Huh?

Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

You didn't answer me.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna tear this whole fucking place down.

♪ Blue skies, nothing but blue skies ♪

♪ Each day is a lovely piece of pie ♪

♪ And blue skies are always on my mind ♪

♪ Life's a dream with sugar cream ♪

What the...

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Blue skies are always on my mind ♪

Pat yourself up, pat yourself down,

pat your neighbor, come on now, come on.

Drop that jaw.

Hey, Jerry!

Pow-pow!

Oh, oh, oh!

♪ His name is Kringles ♪

♪ And when he swings his magic lasso ♪

Swings his magic lasso,

you get tingles.

Jerry, why aren't you in costume, dude?

It's in the dressing room.

All right.

I wanted to ask you, um,

right here actually, there it is.

What's this "Kringle Surprise" thing?

Don't worry about that.

What is it?

Don't worry about it.

Like, I'm not worrying about it,

I just want to know what it is.

It's a surprise.

Don't worry about it.

See, now I'm... now I'm starting to worry about it.

It's just a surprise.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

You sure you want to do this, Jerry?

Yes, Dad.

I'm sure.

What about the kids?

I'm doing this for the kids.

Uh, are you, Jerry?

Because if you open up that box on air,

you are gonna traumatize the shit out of them.

Yeah, well, they gotta grow up sometime, right?

I did.

You made sure of that pretty goddamn early,

both of you.

I was just protecting you, buddy.

I didn't need protecting.

I'm taking the blinders off.

Scrip-a-doo-banana-jamma!

Scrip-a-doo-banana-jamma!

No, no.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Goddammit!

I'm an opportunist, Jer.

What'd you expect?

Look, don't feel too bad.

If I had a nickel for every time someone found me passed out

in front of incriminating evidence...

Look, Jerry, you can't make change from the bottom.

Power doesn't trickle up.

You want real change, you know what has to happen?

The person at the top has to give up control,

and people don't do that.

Think of it as a new beginning.

Yeah, so I missed the deposit for the one in Brooklyn,

but I did find this one in Queens

that I could move into by early October-ish,

but I don't know, like, is that too early?

Like early October-ish?

What the fuck?

Gunther!

Why hasn't my fucking trash been taken out?

- Fünf minuten... - No! No!

Not fünf minuten. Right now!

All you have to do is keep this place clean!

You have one fucking job.

I want this trash cleaned up.

Not tomorrow, not next week, not "fünf minutens,"

right now!

Or you're fucking fired!

Hey, Jer-Bear!

Calm down, huh?

My name is Jerry, goddammit.

And the next person to call me "Jer-Bear"

is fucking fired, too!

Yeah, you're just gonna fire everybody, huh,

big Mister fuckin' Boss Man or whatever?

Shut the fuck up, Naveed!

Oh, and by the way, you're never moving to Brooklyn.

What?

How long you been talking about that, huh?

Four years?

Five years?

Yeah, it just hasn't been the right time yet.

It's not the right time?

Yeah, it's never the right time.

That's not the question.

The question is are you the kind of person who goes,

or the kind of person who stays?

Hm.

You're the kind of person who stays.

Okay?

And take my advice, realize that now.

It'll be less of a fall.

Shitty, Jerry. Very shitty.

This is why we never wanted to hang out with you.

I don't give a shit!

'Cause you're all a big basket of assholes!

And it's about time you showed me

some fucking respect!

1992, that season, now everybody likes that season.

Tell you the truth, Ernie, total blur.

I don't remember much about it at all.

You know, I knew Jamie Farr back then.

- Introduced him to cocaine. - Wow.

He introduced Robert Downey, Jr. to coke

and then we had a foursome!

So!

When are we going on air?

We're live now.

Shit.

So this season, there's a Kringles show.

Oh, yeah, we've got a singing, dancing snowman, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Anything else?

Anything else we can expect to...

No, no.

Oh, great, no, far out, far out.

You know, I love...

Whee!

Welcome back to Good Morning, Goshen!

We're here with Herbert Kelley.

Hi, Herb, how's it going?

- Very good. - Oh, good, good,

that's good to hear, yeah, yeah.

So you were talking a little bit about Kringle Time.

- Tell us a little bit more. - It's a different kind of show

from what people are prepared for.

Different kind of show.

How's that?

I think kids are smart.

And I believe that the worst thing that we can do

as adults is to pretend that life's not hard.

I mean, the world's a hard place,

and it's a confusing place, but...

there's a beauty in that confusion.

If there's a guiding principle behind Kringle Time...

...it's about being honest about who you are

and what you want to do.

Because if Kringles exists

at the expense of being genuine, then,

well, maybe there comes a time

when the world doesn't need Kringles anymore.

Gunther!

Jesus.

Gunther, where's my trash?

I took it out, like you asked.

- Am I fired? - No!

No, I'm sorry, Gunther, man, I was a dick.

Look, is there any way I can still get a hold of that trash?

Ah!

Ew, gross, Jerry!

All right, listen up, fuckers.

I'm the creative director of Kringle Time.

And guess what?

We got some changes we're gonna make.

Kringles.

I brought you this mouse,

but it died in my hands.

This mouse...

...is my father.

Kringles!

Jessica.

I'm pregnant!

What?

I'm pregnant!

What?

I'm pregnant!

Oh.

What?

Oh, no!

Ken Starr!

I'm gonna get ya!

Come on, kids!

Let's play a game of hide and no-seek!

Mr. Mayor, I'm sorry,

I've got other things to deal with.

Okey-dokey, I gotcha,

but if we could just circle back about the statue...

Anita?

Yeah?

Can you show the mayor the traffic cameras

at 1st and Samson?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I really appreciate this, Anita.

It's been a tough few days.

Yeah.

Oh, there!

Can you zoom in?

Yeah.

Is that Jerry?

Yeah.

What is he doing?

Where'd he go?

Jerry.

Yeah.

♪ In love ♪

♪ You are but a girl ♪

♪ I thought that I knew right from wrong ♪

♪ Melt inside me now ♪

♪ And see that this will always be ♪

- ♪ I think this baby's dead ♪ - ♪ Our love ♪

Kringle Time will return

after a word from our sponsors.

And we're out.

Yeah.

That was incredible!

Really great stuff.

What in the ever-living fuck was that?

You gave me creative control.

And I told you to color inside the fucking lines,

Jerry, I told you!

If you keep going like this,

you are going to kill Kringle Time...

is that what you want?

Oh, Jesus Lord, of course.

Why didn't I realize it before?

You're just enough of a fucking psychopath

- to tank your own show! - Wait, what?

- You didn't approve this? - Who's Ken Starr?

Fuck no, you idiots!

- Liar, Jerry, very liar! - What the hell, Jerry?

- The show must go on. - Wow.

You are right about that.

Get him out of this suit.

Mark, you are up.

Sorry about this, Jerry...

- No! - Give me the glove!

- You guys like wrestling? - Mark!

- Get up! - Get up, Jerry.

A, B, C, D...

You can't do this.

I can do anything I want, Jerry.

I'm the executive director of Goshen Public Access.

Sorry, Jer. Love you, buddy.

No!

Can we have more time? I don't have a mic!

How are we gonna...

- Four... - Just make it look happy!

...three...

Hey, kids!

Come on now, Jerry, come on.

It's done, Jerry.

Your Kringle Time has come to an end.

You will be nothing but a blip in history.

Like George Lazenby.

Motherfucker.

What I learned from the afterlife

is there's no such thing as sadness!

- Uh, yes! - Oh, goddammit.

Why did you take your blinders off?

All of it could have been yours.

You can't kill a symbol.

You try to break the symbol,

the symbol breaks you.

You know, it's funny you say that.

Because really,

anything will kill a snowman.

Literally just existing long enough

will kill a snowman.

We only build snowmen to slowly watch them die.

What does that say about us?

But you know,

the quickest way to kill a snowman?

Fire.

If you do it, they'll hate you.

Kringle Twist!

Fire alarms?

Since when are those...

Fire!

♪ The fire's only in your imagination ♪

Come on, everyone, let's go, there's a fire!

Apparently.

Gunther, it's a big fire, that's not gonna work!

You gotta go, come on!

Come on, everyone, yeah, let's go!

Come on, here we go, let's go to safety!

Mark, Mark, Mark!

Hey, listen, you gotta take the suit off, man.

Hey, you're not gonna make it!

- Are you an angel? - Mark!

Take the suit off, I'll protect the suit!

Jerry! You son of a bitch!

- Jerry! - What are you doing?

- There's a fire in there! - Jerry!

Jerry, you let me back in there right now.

What the fuck?

Fire in there, Jerry!

What the... what the fuck?

911, what's your emergency?

Ernest.

Ernest.

No, no, Ernest, Ernest, wait, wait.

Undo this rope, Ernest!

Just hear me out, okay?

Look, you love doing your show, right?

Every week, I let you go out there

and do whatever you want.

That's what this station's about, right?

Do not listen to that motherfucker!

That's all I want.

I just want five minutes, Ern.

Can you help me do that, please?

There is no fire in there!

What do you say, buddy?

- You fucking idiot. - Oh, fuck, you're right.

Jerry, open the door!

Okay, okay, come on, come on.

Get ready to roll on these cameras,

then run and man the switcher.

It's motherfuckin' Kringle Time.

♪ One, two, three, four, three two, one ♪

♪ 'Cause no one can do it like we do it ♪

♪ Like we do it, like we do it ♪

♪ 'Cause no one can do it... ♪

Put it on the Jones tab.

♪ Like we do it ♪

That's a lot of buttons.

♪ No one can do it like we do it, like we do it ♪

Hey, kids!

Guess we'll go check out Kringles Korner, huh?

See if we got any mail?

No, you can't use the keys!

Jerry!

Jerry!

Oh, look, it's a credit card statement!

Yay!

Oh, look, this one's from the IRS, kids!

You know what the IRS is?

Yay!

Jerry.

Kringles has had a rough week, kids.

Going through some stuff.

Might sound boring to some of you,

I'm not sure, but...

I guess if it comes down to a choice

between connecting with one person

versus guessing what a bunch of people might want,

I figure it's better to go for the audience of one.

My name is Jerry,

and I play Kringles.

Before me, it was a guy named Herb, and, uh,

Herb was a difficult man.

And to be honest, I hated him.

But when he put on this mask...

...he became something that I loved.

So what do you do with that?

Do you look behind the mask at the real person?

I think that's our instinct, right?

The mask is a facade, but the person is real.

But the person is just a person.

And people die. Every day.

We lose good people, we lose bad people.

Eventually, we lose everybody.

But the mask lives on.

The mask has power forever.

So which one's more important?

I don't know the answer here, kids,

I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Kringles gets lost sometimes, too.

Here's the thing, kids...

...you can't choose who you are.

The mayor!

But you can choose who you want to be.

And personally...

Jerry!

...I'd like to be something different than I have been.

Naveed, I'm sorry, man.

I think you will move to Brooklyn.

Gunther, I'm sorry I never read your pilot.

I just...

Shit.

Heather,

and all the other interns...

I'm sorry.

I knew.

Or at least, I should have known.

Stand back!

- It was just... - Ah!

...just more comfortable to ignore it, I guess.

And Layla, you already know.

Well, kids, uh, I guess that's it.

Kringles has to go home now.

You have a good life, cowpokes.

And if anyone needs to hear this...

...you are more than this.

You are more than the job you hold.

You are more than the town where you live.

You are a shining ball in the darkness of existence...

ah!

He is mine!

Lemme at him!

I will fire each and every one of you!

I have got this under control.

Mr. Mayor, I have got this.

What the fu...

People were gonna point at that statue

a hundred years from now, and say,

"You know who built that, son?

Mayor Rodney Jorkins built that."

- Jorkins! Jorkins! - Freeze!

Jorkins! Jorkins!

Now what are they gonna say?

They're gonna say nothing, Jerry.

Is that what you want?

A future where people are pointing at nothing?

What is happening?

Jorkins!

I got this.

Why?

How does that feel, Jerry?

Huh?

Oh, I tasted...

Ugh, fuck!

Well...

I did what you wanted.

Your legacy's fine.

For the moment, I guess.

Until all those kids out there grow up,

get old, and die like me.

Just remember, there's only one Kringles.

Aren't you, like, immortal now or some shit?

What's the point?

I can go?

Yeah.

Good morning, Goshen!

I'm Jasmine Harris, filling in for Ernest

while he's recuperating.

Get well soon, Ernest!

Mayor Rodney Jorkins made history yesterday

by being the first Goshen mayor

- to be arrested while in office. - Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor!

No, not right now, guys, please...

How does it feel to be the first mayor arrested

- while in office? - Wait, what?

- First mayor what? - To be arrested while in office.

- Really? - Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Acting station manager Daphne Jones announced

after public backlash

that the long-running children's favorite,

Kringle Time, will be cancelled.

The show has been running ever since 1987

and was a staple of Goshen Public Access.

But all things must end.

♪ I've been all over Manhattan and Queens ♪

♪ But nothing has felt quite right ♪

♪ But I found a borough, the one in my dreams ♪

♪ You're mine ♪

Hey, Naveed!

- Welcome to Brooklyn! - Hey, Serena!

It sure feels good to be here in the Big Apple.

What are you doing in that trash can?

Trash can?

This is my apartment!

♪ My rent's only 3,500 a month ♪

What?

And even though Kringles has gone home to Alaska,

he will live in our hearts...

forever.

I feel like we've known for a while, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Um...

When I was packing up all the stuff and everything,

I... I found this, and, uh...

I thought you'd probably want it, so...

I think maybe I've watched it enough.

I love you.

♪ It's a little step in the right direction ♪

♪ Couldn't see if from space ♪

♪ I'm right next to you ♪

♪ Whatever you decide to do ♪

♪ I've got your back, we're on the same track ♪

♪ In the universe, you're a molecule ♪

♪ In my eyes, you're a great big deal ♪

♪ Bigger than the moon ♪

♪ You're the only tune I hear ♪

♪ I've got your back, we're on the same track ♪

♪ And if we're moving, then we're moving together ♪

♪ And if we're standing still, then it's still forever ♪

♪ I'm not a psychic, I'm not a mind reader ♪

♪ I don't know when our ship's gonna be here ♪

♪ If it never comes in ♪

♪ I would do it all again ♪

♪ I've got your back, we're on the same track ♪

♪ And if a big wave washed it all away ♪

♪ The apocalypse and the judgment day ♪

♪ I would testify ♪

♪ Looking God in the eye ♪

♪ Saying, "I've got her back, we're on the same track ♪

♪ And if we're moving, then we're moving together ♪

♪ And if we're standing still, then it's still forever ♪

♪ It's a little step in the right direction ♪

♪ Couldn't see if from space ♪

♪ I'm right next to you ♪

♪ Whatever you decide to do ♪

♪ I've got your back, we're on the same track ♪

♪ And if we're moving, then we're moving together ♪

♪ And if we're standing still, then it's still ♪

♪ Forever ♪

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull