Original subtitles

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

Can you smell it, Bernstein?

-Can you smell it? -[inhaling]

Is that you?

I'm talking about manhood.

No grocery cart has ever attempted this speed before.

Hey, Wyatt, are you sure this is safe?

As a matter of fact, I am 100% sure that it is not.

Otherwise, I would be laying there.

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?

We're gonna be the first men to successfully jump a kid

with a shopping cart.

Hey! You don't pound nails with ladies' footwear.

Don't you have any real tools?

I live with girls.

When my mom needs to fix something, she calls a guy... Or you.

You boys are hopeless.

Someone needs to teach you how to be men.

-I'll do it. -What are you? A speed bump?

Get up from there!

Let's do this!

Gentlemen, start my engine.

Whoo!

Whoa!

Ahh! Ugh!

[grunts and spits]

We did it!

My building!

[muffled screams]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

[boys] Whoa.

Is this your man cave?

No, it's the boiler room.

Where you boil things for the man cave?

This could be an epic man cave.

All it needs is a giant TV and a toaster oven.

And a fireman pole--

Oh! And a fireman butler

who knows karate and makes sandwiches.

I don't have any of that.

I got power tools and a big can of grease.

[boys] Wow!

I'm a hard man to impress,

but you have done it, sir.

Now, the first rule of learning how to become a man is this.

Listen to the man.

Thanks for the introduction, Mr. Poulos.

I'll take it from here.

What? You're about as manly as a bowl of sherbet...

The pink kind.

Now, boys, this is a hammer.

You'll notice it doesn't have a heel

or come with a matching handbag.

Um, will this be on the man test?

Write it down. I'm copying off of you.

Here. I want you to drill some holes in that beam.

-You think you can handle it? -I guess.

Good job.

Strong, even pressure.

That's how a man uses a tool.

-It's a lot like mixing cupcake batter. -[groans]

Me next! Me next! Me next!

Cool it, grape-ade.

A real man doesn't say, "Me next."

A real man says, "Let me give it a crack."

-Let me give it a crack. -Now you're getting it.

[Crash groans] Whoa!

Whoa! Oh!

Uh!

Hey! Look at me. I'm a tool!

[Crash laughs]

Part of being a man is repairing the stuff you break.

Does that include hearts?

Yes, it does, but that's a different lecture.

I call it, "It's not you, it's me."

Now, gentlemen, I give you the jackhammer.

Whoa, this is awkward.

I didn't get you anything.

Old jack can be an unforgiving piece of machinery.

You let him get the better of you, he'll shake you like a baby's rattle!

You have to be absolutely sure before you ever turn him on--

[jackhammer turns on]

Hey, what's going on?

You ruined my other wall!

[stuttering] It wasn't m-m-me!

Crash, what are you doing?

Must-- bite-- sandwich!

Ah-ah.

Why are you shaking?

[stuttering] Why are you shaking?

Never mind. I just came to get a drink.

[stuttering] Here. T-take mine.

[stuttering] I'll open it.

♪ Let me hear you say Crash ♪

♪ Crash, Crash, Crash ♪

Roland, I should have volunteered for manhood training years ago.

So far, the boys have changed all the rat traps,

scrubbed out the dumpsters, and prepared this cheese plate.

I don't suppose you put hand washing on that list?

No, why?

Ugh.

You don't feel guilty making these boys do all your work?

That's how boys become men.

Once I turned four, my father never got out of his recliner.

I knew how to fix a toilet before I knew how to use one.

Your stories are always so sad.

Besides, I need these kids' help

if I'm gonna finish all my work before our trip to the cabin.

Tell me about it.

I can't go until I trim my grandma's toenails.

Or else she won't let you go?

Or else she'll rip up my couch.

[Crash] Cannonball! Uh!

[Crash muffled] Look at me! I'm a statue.

-I'll go hose him down. -Don't bother.

Plaster dries fast. Then I'll just smack him with a mallet.

-Is that the easy way? -Don't know,

but it's the fun way.

I can't wait for our camping trip.

Three whole days living free.

Free like a bush.

You're going camping?

Yeah, a bunch of us are.

It's our annual men's weekend.

We call it, "Woods without Women."

Sign us up.

No can do. It's for men only.

We're men...

Or at least men in training.

What better way to learn than by watching the experts?

Well, we are pretty much the prototypes for manhood.

True. True.

But I don't want to be up there babysitting kids.

Come on. We're very responsible.

Who's that? You and the statue?

Hold still.

[Crash muffled] Is it gonna tickle?

I hope not.

It did! Again! Again!

You take the joy out of everything.

[laughs]

Ah, I love the smell of the sea.

That's not the sea. It's the sewer.

Well, whatever it is, I hope to retire there some day.

[screams and struggles]

-It's the big one, Bernstein! -Let her run! Let her run!

I'm out of line!

-Then pull! -[struggles]

[Cash gasping]

How'd that get in the toilet?

I flushed it when I stepped in dog doo.

I thought shuffling on your mom's carpet would've cleaned it,

but there was a lot of doo.

Why are you guys doing Mr. Poulos' work?

He's teaching us how to be men.

[scoffs] Well, you got the clueless part down.

We're on a mission here.

We have to prove to Mr. Poulos

that we're man enough to go on his camping trip.

All we have left is to vacuum the lobby

and take care of Roland's grandma's toenails.

I call toenails!

Ha-ha. Sucker.

[laughs]

Ah, lovely talons, grandma.

I bet you could snatch a woodchuck with these.

[struggles]

Oh, no problem.

Happens all the time.

Here we-- here we go. Hold still.

[grunts]

Aww.

Now this is getting personal.

[grunts]

[struggles]

All right, who took my hair brush?

Ah, I have to say it feels good to be a man.

You're gross.

No, I'm not. I'm manly.

[inhales]

[exhales] You can touch it. It's your hair.

Mom!

[Cleo continues screaming]

Whoa. Your hair smells like old eggs.

Thank you for watching my newsstand while I'm gone.

I wrote detailed instructions.

I have a degree in engineering.

I think I know how to operate a cash register.

You also have to make coffee.

Oh. Let me look at those.

Ready for the camping trip.

You're not going.

I told you boys this trip is for men only.

Sorry, boys. Maybe next year.

But we did all your work. Work you said would turn us into men.

So? I didn't promise anything.

You totally played us.

Okay, yeah. I did do that.

We're not going?

But I got extra allergy shots.

Oh, we're going.

But you heard Mr. Poulos.

Pesto, we are men.

When a man gets permission from his mother to do something,

he does it!

[Crash laughs]

♪ Crash ♪

-Huh. -We made it to the cabin.

[men laughing]

What do you think they're doing in there?

Guy stuff.

Probably welding. Maybe arm wrestling.

I hope so. I have my big arm.

Well, let's get in there.

Wait, what if I'm not ready?

Then get ready because there's no turning back.

I don't know what we're gonna see on the other side of that door,

but it will be manly.

Not as manly as my big arm,

but it will change us forever.

[soft music playing]

[Wyatt] What's this?

Hey, what are you kids doing here?

Um, looking for the man's weekend.

Will one of you ladies tell me where that is?

I told you I didn't want you kids here.

My mom signed the permission slip.

Yeah, I'm a professional teacher. This is legit.

This is not a field trip. This is a men's weekend.

And it's all about getting away from noise and kids!

You hear that, Poulos?

Silence.

Yeah, this is nice.

[sighs]

-[Crash sighs] -[Pesto sighs]

[sighs]

Echo! Echo! Echo!

Hey, I have an echo.

It's not an echo. You're just saying it over and over.

No I'm not! No I'm not!

Be quiet! Be quiet!

No, you be quiet! You be quiet!

Don't make me come over there! Over there!

That's it, buddy!

This is your fault, Wyatt. I told you I didn't want you on this trip.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't even be here

if you hadn't tricked us into doing your work for you.

I didn't trick you.

Yes, you did.

Hey, take it outside.

Get it? We are outside.

Get ready to laugh, fellas. I'm feeling it this weekend.

[coach] I continued through the flowers until I caught up with the boy.

That's when I realized... he was me.

Great dream journal, coach.

This is lame.

Where's the adventure? And the trash talking?

The random encounters with mountain people?

Only he who has the share stick may speak.

DeSean.

I left my dream journal at home.

Again? That's three years in a row, Jackson.

Wait a minute. DeSean Jackson?

The DeSean Jackson?

No way!

Who's DeSean Jackson?

Just the greatest wide receiver there is.

He's my favorite player!

I'm sorry, DeSean. Crash doesn't know much about football.

Or anything.

When did you get here?

I've been here, but I've been in the bathroom.

I love chili, but chili doesn't like me.

Well, you have the share stick, DeSean.

We're doing fears.

Okay, fears. I'm afraid of birds.

-[laughs] -What?

DeSean Jackson's afraid of birds?

Dude, you play for the Eagles.

As long as I stay away from that mascot, I'm cool.

All right. I'm afraid of ticks.

I'm gonna take off my shirt. If you could check my back--

[men groan]

You're good. You're good.

I've never shared this before but--

[men] Bears.

Oh, I've shared that?

I know I don't have the share stick,

but have you guys noticed that all your fears

are things you find on camping trips?

I'm just saying maybe next year...

Vegas?

How about you, Crash? What are you afraid of?

Well, since we're sharing,

I'm afraid of ghosts.

[Crash uproariously laughs]

No I'm only afraid I'll end up like you losers.

-Boo-hoo-hoo bears. -Hey.

Boo-hoo-hoo birds.

That's not cool, dude.

I'm sorry. I have the stick.

When can I share my fears?

Do I have to pick just one?

What if I'm afraid you won't like the one I pick?

Oh, fire's getting low.

Hey!

That's the share stick, you dope.

You know the rules. No yelling.

My cabin. My rules!

I'm about five minutes away from getting miffed.

Miff this!

Uh, uh!

This is for eating all the chili!

You messed with the wrong campfire, buddy.

Oh, yeah, chili-eater? Come here--

Now this is a man's weekend.

-[all struggle and grunt] -[Crash] Take this.

[grunting continues]

Oh, you think you're so fast, huh? Oh, yeah?

[DeSean] Well, come on.

[DeSean grunting]

That is right! That is right!

[strangled grunts]

Should I ask DeSean for an autograph?

Or wait till he's done pounding on Crash?

You're going down, purple.

Oh, look. Bird!

Phew! For a wide receiver, that guy can really kick.

For a guy who's been making fun of men all weekend, you can really cry.

Thanks, Bernstein.

Oh, beam me.

Whoa! You're really good at shadow puppets.

All I can do is a peace sign and a hand.

Really?

Watch this. Here's a moose.

Mooose.

Here's a fat bird.

[chirps]

The New York skyline.

Na-na-na.

The moon landing.

[radar beeps]

And my specialty, a bear.

[Crash growls]

-[Wyatt] Whoa. -[Crash continues growls]

[Pesto] Hey, DeSean.

I know you're in the bathroom,

but is this a good time for an autograph?

[DeSean] Does it smell like a good time?

Guys, uh...

I'd like to apologize for my behavior earlier.

Do you feel it?

That's the transformative power of forgiveness.

I do.

Anyway, coach, I'm sorry I pushed you.

I'm sorry I stomped on your hand when you were on the ground.

That was you?

What did you expect? You pushed me.

-Bear! -Hey, no name calling!

-Bear! -Fine! Manatee!

There's a bear right there!

Every year with the bears.

This is because you didn't get a nap.

I know what I saw.

Wyatt and Crash are outside, somebody's got to save them.

Well, at least Wyatt.

[screams] Get out of here, bear!

Bear? Where?

You thought that was a real bear?

[laughs]

-It was just a shadow puppet. -[Crash] Yeah.

That's it! You have ruined this entire weekend.

You made a mockery of the share stick.

You turned the campfire into a brawl.

Oh, I love reminiscing.

When do we get to the part when you were scared by a shadow?

This is great.

Now I got to go back in there

and admit to the guys that it wasn't a real bear.

Just scaredy-cat Poulos overreacting again.

I'm sure they won't give you a hard time.

Are you kidding? They're men. They live for busting chops.

Believe, you, me, these chops will be busted!

He seems really upset.

I know.

Let's go inside and make fun of him.

No. We need to help him out.

I know what to do.

Oh, me too.

So how'd the big bear hunt go?

[laughter]

Yeah, what was it this time? A Possum?

[laughter continues]

All right. All right. Have your fun.

Now you know there wasn't really a bear.

-No, more like a beast. -What?

Crash and I were cornered by the biggest bear I've ever seen.

Mr. Poulos came out and scared it away.

Yeah.

Yeah! That's what happened.

Oh-ho-ho.

Now you know the whole heroic story,

let's break out the jigsaw puzzles.

Wait, wait, wait. What kind of bear was it?

I don't know. A big kind.

What's it gonna be? Ponies or hot air balloon?

Wait a minute. You scared off a bear?

That does not sound like you.

Why not? It's possible.

It's more than possible.

It was the most manly thing I've ever seen.

Well, I've never heard of a kid telling a lie.

Poulos, you are a man among men.

Yes, you are.

You're gonna get the first cup of hot cocoa.

I even brought tiny marshmallows.

Hey, thanks, Wyatt.

You really saved my bacon.

-I'm sorry I yelled at you and Crash. -That's all right.

Wait. Where is Crash?

Poulos, you're in luck.

I found a bear.

Now they'll all believe you.

A bear? A bear!

[Wyatt] Oh, no, no, no.

[growling]

Oh, he looks mad.

He should be. We stole his berries.

[laughs]

Here's your last man lesson. Don't get eaten.

Whoa! Oh, oh!

[gasps]

[shivers in fright]

Nice-- nice bear.

[roars]

You have lots of teeth.

-[roars] -[screams]

[pants]

Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!

[growling continues]

This was a bad day to wear salmon underpants.

Ahh!

Bernstein!

[whimpers]

[roars]

Now that is scary.

I've never seen jaws that powerful.

-[coach giggling] -[Crash strains]

Ha! Ho! Go easy on the pinky. I'm sensitive.

[giggles]

When you're done, I'm next.

Oh, sure thing, Mr. Poulos.

Oh!

Spend a little extra time on the pinky toe.

It stepped in bear poo.

-[muffled scream] -Yeah, there you go.

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪