Original subtitles

♪ Let me hear you say Crash ♪

-[grunts] -[bat hits]

Whoa. Nice swing, Bernstein.

But you have to sit a lot closer if you want to hit that TV.

Now come on. It's time for school.

It's summer break. We've got three months off.

Time to drain the brain.

And done.

Three months of no school? Am I in heaven?

Think about how much free time that gives us.

I can finally catch up on my ice fishing,

take a luge lesson, get my tongue stuck to this frozen pole.

-It's summer. You can't do any of that. -Oh.

In that case,

let's just sit on the couch and watch TV for three months straight. Ready?

[sighs] Go!

[both singing] ♪ Crazy family awesome time Portland ♪

♪ Crazy family awesome time Portland ♪

♪ Crazy family... Aw, you get the point ♪

[laughs]

I'm so glad our new cable package came with the disgusting game show channel.

-[man crying] -Aw, come on. Quit crying, dude.

Like you're the first guy who's ever had to eat a hairball on a cracker.

-[puking] -Oh, he threw up.

You know what that means.

-[announcer] It's a puke out! -[Crash laughs]

Hey, Portland, send us video of your family

doing crazy stuff and maybe you can be a contestant

with a chance to win 10 000 dollars.

[Chip] See you next time on...

[auto-tuned] Crazy Family Awesome Time Portland!

-We have to do that. -Auto-tune ourselves?

[auto-tuned] Seems like it might be annoying,

but that never stopped me before.

No, I mean get on the show.

I'm gonna make an audition tape of our family.

Do you really think we're crazy enough? [grunts]

[grunting]

[grunting]

I think we might have a shot.

[wailing]

-Cool. Can we play jump rope? -Oh, sure thing.

[chuckles] We are so in.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Okay, hummingbirds. Come and get it!

-I can fly! -Aah!

Aah! [grunts]

I can taste blood!

-[Mel grunts] -Okay, that was good, people.

But let's do it again.

Crash, this time I need you to slam into Mom.

I will smash into her as hard as I can.

Wait, what's going on?

I'm making an audition tape to get us on Crazy Family Awesome Time Portland .

What? No. I don't want to be on that disgusting show.

Didn't they once force an entire family

to get inside a coffin filled with angry squirrels?

Yes. And that could be us!

[Crash] You're going down, Mrs. B! [grunts]

I give up, Bernstein.

I feel like I'm just banging my head against a brick wall here.

Man, it's hot.

-Cassie, how hot is it gonna be today? -[phone beeps]

[Cassie] Today's high temperature will be 89 degrees.

Uh, Bernstein? I don't mean to alarm you,

but I think there's a lady living inside your phone.

It's just Cassie. She's an app. She answers any question you ask her.

Any question? Oh, I have one! [clears throat]

Cassie, what would happen if I ate a whole thing of hummingbird food?

-[phone beeps] -[Cassie] Hummingbird food is sugar water

I would advise against it.

Ah! Well, it's a little late now, isn't it, Cassie?

[stammering] Aah!

Bernstein! Bernstein!

Ask Cassie what to do when it feels like your heart is exploding.

Ask her! [groans]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

Well, I'm off to archery camp.

Archery camp?

Yes, Mom.

You told me not to waste my whole summer at the mall.

So I figured I'd do something

that will look good on my college application.

You know, you can't just send a picture.

-Bye, Mom. -Cleo!

You look like you're going somewhere fun.

Well, you said I wasn't allowed to get a job this summer,

so I'm off to the pool to hang with my peeps and chillapse .

It's "chillax." "Chill" plus "relax."

Really? It's not "Children" plus "collapse"?

-That's ridonk-lafur . -Just stop talking.

-Bye, Mom. -[Mel] Bye.

Like I'd ever take archery.

Like I'd ever turn down an internship at a bank.

Like I'd ever eat a tuna fish sandwich without a side of corn chips.

What? Not my story? Sorry.

Hey, Crazy Family Awesome Time Portland ,

This is how we get ready for bed in the Bernstein house.

-[Mel] Goodnight, Wyatt. -[Wyatt] Goodnight, Mom.

-Aah! - [Wyatt] Oh, no. Door, door, door, door!

[groans]

Hey, Crash. Do something crazy.

Can't you see I'm on the phone? [clears throat]

Cassie, who would win in a street fight, clouds or rainbows?

[phone beeps]

[Cassie] There is no rain in the forecast today.

Oh, so you don't want to take sides, huh? Fine!

I have a related follow up question.

Does my uvula look big? Aah.

Also, what's a uvula?

Don't you think you've gone a little overboard with Cassie lately?

No. I only ask her questions that are vitally important.

Cassie, what do you call a dog that is half chihuahua and half poodle?

-[phone beeps] -[Cassie] That is called a chi-poo.

[laughing]

Cassie, why can't taco be a color?

-[phone beeps] -[Cassie] Because taco's are food.

Why?

-[phone beeps] - Because people like to eat them.

Why?

What weather comes after "x"?

-[phone beeps] -[Cassie] "Y."

Hey, I ask the questions here!

What do you call a dog that is half bulldog and half poodle?

-[phone beeps] -[Cassie] That is called a bull-poo.

[laughing]

Okay, maybe I did go overboard.

From now on,

I'm only asking Cassie really important questions.

[clears throat]

Cassie, what do you call a dog that's half poodle and half poodle?

[phone beeps]

[Cassie] That would be a poodle.

However, I expect you would like me to say "poo-poo."

Yeah! Yeah! Say it.

-[phone beeps] -[Cassie] Poo-poo.

[laughs]

[laughing]

[both grunt]

[both grunting]

-Boy, video chess is hard. -[grunts]

-Checkmate. -Ohh!

-[doorbell rings] -Doorbell!

Hello. Is this the Bernstein residence?

Yeah. Your voice sounds familiar. Do I know you?

I'm Cassie.

[gasps] Cassie from the phone?

-Yes. Are you Crash? -I am.

You ruined my life! [screams] Aah!

[beeps, mimics Cassie] Well, this just got weird.

Are you really Cassie?

Yes. And also no.

I'm from the small country of Macapalego,

and my real name is Kuvnyabzzzck Zrzrydlvizk.

[all repeating name]

Maybe just call me Cassie.

Fine.

For years I have worked as a human Cassie,

answering questions for heavy users of the Cassie App.

Whoa. That must be a pain,

answering annoying people's questions all the time.

Is it a pain? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it?

My life was perfect until I was assigned to Crash.

That's me.

I mean, how many times is "chi-poo" funny?

[family laughing]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You were saying how horrible Crash is.

Please continue.

Anyway, one day I just lost it.

I was like, "I don't care what color a taco is!

Clouds and rainbows do not fight!

And your uvula is disgusting, you ignorant, annoying son of a donkey!"

[gasps] And then I was fired.

Please forgive my outburst, Mrs. Bernstein.

[sighs] My anger at Crash got the best of me.

We've all been there, sister.

-Amen. -Preaching to the choir.

I'm afraid I don't have enough to get back to Macapalego.

Can any of you recommend any bridges that would be comfortable to sleep under?

We're not gonna let you sleep under a bridge, Cassie.

We'll all chip in and help out.

How much does a ticket back to your country cost?

-Approximately 7000 US dollars. -[Wyatt] No!

You know, I hear the 11th Street bridge is nice.

-Oh, yeah. -[Crash] That is a great neighborhood.

[sighs] Thank you for letting me stay here

while I figure out how to return home, Mrs. Bernstein.

I hope you don't mind.

I made breakfast for the family.

Mind?

Do I mind?

I have several thousand omelet recipes memorized,

but I decided to keep it simple.

Six Cornish hen's eggs, a half a cup of homogenized sheep's milk,

two tablespoons--

You had me at "food." I don't have to cook.

Mom! Crash is doing that thing with the hot sauce again.

He's filming us for Wyatt's stupid game show audition.

Crash, stop breathing fire.

Believe me, Mrs. B., you want it coming out of this end.

Hold the door.

-How was the mall? -Amazing.

-How was the bank? -Awesome.

They let me turn down someone for a loan.

[elevator dings]

-[elevator dings] -[laughing]

-This is the best summer ever. -Totally.

Tomorrow's Mr. Fisher's birthday. We're having cake in the break room.

Cleaning the dinner table isn't so hard.

I don't get why Mrs. B. doesn't let me help more. [grunts]

-[sighs] Aah! -You're doing the floor.

Don't worry.

They don't get as mad at me as they do at you. I'll take the blame.

Well, in that case... [chuckles]

-I like you, Cassie. I'm glad you're here. -I'm glad I'm here too...

...because now I can hurt you.

[laughs] Oh, Cassie.

You and your zany Macapaleggian humor.

-[laughs] -This is not a joke.

We do not have jokes in Macapalego, not since our 17th Amendment was passed.

-So... You're serious? -Deadly serious.

And everything I told you was true.

-You got me fired! -[gulps]

-You ruined my life! -[gulps]

And soon, youare going to pay for it!

Could you hold on a second, please?

[slurps]

[gulps]

Your days are numbered, Crash.

Who wants mango fritters?

-[Cleo] Oh, me! I do. -[Wyatt] I'd like some!

I think I just frittered in my pants a little.

Ah. There. I am totally safe in here.

Okay, I'll remove locksmith

from the "special skills" section of my resume.

-Crash, guess what? -What?

We got on Crazy Family Awesome Time Portland .

Oh, that's great, Bernstein!

Oh, I wish I could be on the show with you.

But Cassie said she was going to shave off my outsides

and make me into a pair of slippers. Have fun.

I'm sure Cassie didn't say that.

[Cassie] Crash, are you in here?

Get in the closet! Save yourself!

-No! -[grunts]

Crash, where are you?

Oh, good. We're alone.

That means no one can save you.

Bernstein, now! Surprise attack!

Why didn't you surprise attack?

You never said we were gonna surprise attack.

[scoffs] If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise.

Oh, hi, Mr. Wyatt. I was just putting on these gloves, because...

it's so cold in here. [shivers]

I heard you threaten Crash.

Oh, potato balls!

I didn't want any witnesses.

But I already have the gloves on, so say goodbye to your friend.

-No! -Whoa! What are you gonna do to me?

Cassie, wait.

-What if we gave you money? -How much money?

If I told you I can get you 10 000 dollars,

would you leave Crash alone?

Oh, as a person that came here under false pretenses

and continuously lied to you so that I could destroy your friend...

-[chuckles] -...you have my word.

-[sighs] -Cool.

How are you at game shows?

♪ Crazy Family Awesome Time Portland ♪

♪ Crazy Family Awesome Time Portland ♪

♪ Crazy Family... Aw, you get the point ♪

Is there a family here who's ready to get crazy?

[whooping]

Yeah, we're crazy! Mrs. B's a little moody though.

And the tall broad wants to kill me.

Makes a heck of a fritter though.

Okay.

I can't believe you dragged us onto this awful show.

Cheer up, Mom. They've got three cameras.

All right. I'll ask you ten questions. You get them all right, you win ten grand.

But if you get one of them wrong,

you'll have to survive the den of disgusting to win the money.

[audience] Aah!

Whoa. The den of disgusting.

It's even more mysterious in person.

Hey, what's behind the wall today, Chip? Fire ants?

Leeches? Sewer meat?

You won't find out until you get a question wrong.

Which isn't gonna happen, Chip.

'Cause we got our secret weapon, remember?

-Cassie knows everything. -Right. Right.

Stick to the plan. Let Cassie answer the questions...

and forget about what's behind the wall.

Got it.

Is it maggots, Chip? Is it maggots behind the wall?

Can't tell you, Crash. The suspense is part of the fun for our audience.

Of course. I get it. You can't tell us. [sighs]

It's totally maggots, right, Chip?

Just a heads up, Chip. If it's maggots, I will hurt you.

Noted.

Let's get to our first question.

"Ba" is the symbol for which element?

-[beeps] -Barium.

-[dings] -Correct.

[all whooping]

So... no den of disgusting?

[exhales]

-[beeps] -Mount Kilimanjaro.

-[dings] -[Crash grunts]

-[beeps] -Albert Einstein.

-[dings] -[groans]

-[beeps] -The spotted hyena.

-[dings] -[grunting]

That's nine in a row. Now for our final question.

Crash, what are you doing?

[straining] Come on. Just let me have one peek, Chip!

I won't tell anyone, I swear!

It sounds like maggots. Am I right?

Crash, get back over here.

One more question and we get rid of Cassie.

Yeah. Yeah, my bad.

It's obviously maggots. I don't need to see this.

The final question for 10 000 dollars.

What do you call a dog

that is a cross between a chihuahua and a poodle?

[beeps]

-That is called a-- -Crash-poo!

-[buzzes] -That's wrong, right?

Oh, well! Looks like we're going to the den of disgusting!

-Yes, you are! -[Crash laughs]

Hey, it's maggots in there, right, Chip? Right?

Maggots, maggots, maggots, maggots,

maggots, maggots, maggots.

Well, Bernstein, you were wrong. It's not maggots.

-[hissing] -[audience] Aah!

I know you're disappointed. Just think of them as really long maggots.

Today's disgusting challenge is called "The conveyer belt of random awfulness."

If we don't win the 10 000 dollars, I am wearing your friend home as a scarf.

Can you make up your mind?

Is it slippers or is it a scarf?

'Cause I only have so much fabric.

Here's how it works.

You'll be strapped to this belt slithering towards the snakes,

while we do a bunch of random awful stuff to you.

Seriously, Chip,

after the show, you better run to your car.

Gotcha.

Now if you fall in the tank, you get no money.

But there is one way to stop the belt.

If one of you can hit that target with an arrow,

you win 10 000 dollars.

-Amanda, this is perfect. -No.

-I really don't think-- -She goes to archery camp.

We're gonna be fine. [chuckles]

Amanda Bernstein, you are so grounded!

Oh... Cleo works at a bank.

[gasps] Cleo!

-You are so grounded. -[horn blaring]

Uh-oh! It's the underpants horn.

-[Crash laughing] -[others groaning]

[Chip] Looks like it's laundry day at the sumo wrestler's retirement home.

They're tighty, but they're not so whitey.

[groaning]

This game makes no sense.

Come on, Amanda. Get us out of here.

Yelling doesn't help!

-[siring wailing] -You know what that sound means.

No! We have no idea!

It's our early skunk warning system.

what the--?

Whoa! [coughing]

[Crash] Boy, that is good skunk. Wow.

Seriously, this can't be legal.

Oh, it's totally legal. You signed a release.

In a few seconds, you're gonna be begging those snakes to release you.

[hissing]

I can't take it anymore.

Amanda, give me the bow and arrow.

-No! -[Wyatt] Run, crash!

Whoa!

[panting] No!

She's gonna bow and arrow me. On national television!

In not letting you take out Crash.

-I am not trying to hit Crash. -[audience counting down]

I'm trying to hit the target.

-Now move out of the way! -[whimpering]

-[bell ringing] -[cheering]

-Yes! -[whooping]

[groans]

Oh, look. I made a new friend.

I'm gonna name you "maggot."

Does anyone know where I can find a giant ATM?

-[all chuckle] -[Crash] Hey, Bernstein.

Ask Cassie how long it takes for a snake to digest its food.

Come on, kid. Untie me.

Not so fun now, is it, Chip?

Come on, I was just doing my job. I've got a family.

Okay, just some cats, but I want a family.

-[horn blaring] -Uh-oh!

-You know what that means. -No, I don't.

It's Crash's underpants horn!

I play lots of songs. Any requests?

-[straining] -[groans]

Oh, just throw me in with the snakes.

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪