Original subtitles

[transition sound]

[Wyatt] What's with the mask?

[Crash] Oh, I'm doing a research on a report for the roman umpire.

[Wyatt] I appreciate the help, but it's called the Roman empire.

[Crash] Hey, I make the calls here!

Now get back to your dugout before I throw you out of the game.

[Wyatt scoffs] You blew that call, ump.

You know, you should open your eyes, you're missing a great game.

[Crash] Oh, that is it, pal. Do not push me.

[Wyatt] This is a lot more fun than doing homework.

[Crash] You are darn right it is!

[both roar, then laugh]

[Crash] Yeah.

[Wyatt] All right, Crash, let's get to work on this project.

We've put it off for a month and it's due Thursday.

[Crash] Bernstein, relax. We'll get it done.

We'll just go to the library, take out some books, do a ton of research,

then buckle down and focus on our work.

[both together] Daaah! [laugh]

[Wyatt] Yeah, we aren't gonna do any of that.

[Crash] I don't even know where the library is.

It's a place, right?

[thunder crashes]

[Crash] Ooh, what's that?

-[Wyatt] Lightning. -[Crash] It's shiny.

I want to stab it.

[Wyatt] Crash, no! It's gonna stab you!

[Crash] Come on, lightning, show me what you got.

[eletric shock]

[babbling]

[Wyatt] Are you okay?

[Crass, Spanish accent] Of course. El cocinero is afraid of nothing.

You are looking at the most fearless chef in all the world.

I don't even look when I chop.

[chops]

[screams]

I joke.

El cocinero likes to keep it light in the kitchen.

[Wyatt] Nice accent, Crash.

[Crash] Crash? Who is this Crash?

Is he the one who stole my secret gazpacho recipe?

The secret is a poquito squeeze of lime.

Oh, I said too much!

[Wyatt] Mom, does Crash seem weird to you?

-[Mel] Yes. -[Wyatt] You didn't even look at him.

[Mel] Don't have to.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open ♪ ♪ Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No makeup or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

- ♪ And face slams ♪ - ♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Crash and Bern! ♪

[Crash] Gazpacho thief, reveal yourself to el cocinero!

[laughs]

[Wyatt] Crash, this is getting old.

[Crash] Old? I am not old.

I am distinguished.

Like a fine piece of manchego .

It's a smelly cheese.

I like to keep some in my pants for times like this.

Smell it.

[laughs]

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

Bernstein, you're having a smelly-cheese party

and didn't invite me?

[Wyatt] Good, so you're done playing your little game?

[Crash] What game? Did I win?

[Mel] All right you two, come on, It's time to wash up for dinner.

[clears throat]

[Mel] Oh.

[Crash] What's for dinner? I hope it's food.

[Mel] I made my world-famous meatloaf.

[Crash] Close enough.

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

[Crash] Allow me, señorita .

[Mel] Thanks, Crash.

Call me el cocinero.

Do you like cheese?

[gasps] Someone has absconded with my trouser cheese.

I bet it is the same scoundrel who stole my recipe.

[screams] Die-eee!

♪ Crash! ♪

[Mel] Okay, before the guys get in here, let's have some girl talk.

So what's going on? Tell me everything.

[Amanda] Okay, there's a guy at school named Sean.

He's super cute, but he has shown absolutely no interest in me.

[Mel] Sweetie, maybe you're just not his type.

[Amanda] I can't believe you're taking his side!

[Mel] Cleo, what's new with you?

[Cleo] I did market research and found out that 10 of 10 people

have never heard of... [whispers] Cleo.

Maybe I should change my brand to...

[shouts] Cleo!

[Mel] All right, 0 for 2.

Sweetie?

-[Jasmine] I want a cat! -[Mel shudders]

Okay, I think we're good for girl talk this month.

Wyatt, Crash, hurry up!

[Crash] Good evening, beautiful ladies.

It is my pleasure to dine with you.

[hacks, spits]

What have my taste buds ever done to you?

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

[Crash] Ooh, dinner!

Yup, tastes like food.

You've done it again, Mrs. B.

[Mel] Where's Wyatt?

[Crash] Ah, he'll be here in a minute.

He's just looking something up for our presentation on Ancient Rome.

-[Mel] How's it going? -[Crash] Great! I'm helping.

[Mel] Look, Crash, you guys need to get a good grade on this.

[Crash] What do you want us to do, Mrs. B?

Not play video games and go online and watch TV?

[Mel] What a great idea. No gadgets until after the report is done!

[Crash] What?! No! I was being sarcastic.

That can't turn into a thing.

[Mel] Oh, it's a thing.

Now hand them over.

[Crash sighs deeply]

-[Mel] Thank you. -[Crash] Okay.

-[Mel clears throat] -[Crash] What? That's all I have!

[groans]

-[Crash] Mp3 thingy, texty thingy... -[Mel] Oh!

-[Mel] Gah! -[Crash] Monkey thingy...

Toaster.

[Wyatt] What? No gadgets at all?

Nice job, Crash.

[Crash] It's not my fault.

That mom of yours is mad with power.

She's like a dictator without the fancy uniform

or charisma.

But the joke's on her. Look what I stole from the kitchen.

[Wyatt] What's that for?

[Crash] Cabbage ball.

It's what the kids played before video games.

[Wyatt] Wow, you've actually found something less interesting than homework.

Fortunately there's a lot of information on Ancient Rome.

Unfortunately it's all in books.

-[loud crash] -[magic sound]

[Crash] Without my secret Gazpacho recipe, I am nothing.

Worse, I am dust on the boot of nothing!

No, wait, I am the filthy bacteria on the dust on the boot of nothing!

[Wyatt] Okay, what the heck is going on?

You've been acting all weird ever since you went out on the roof and...

got hit by lightning.

[Crash] The roof? Is that where that scoundrel Crash is hiding?

[Wyatt] No, don't go out there!

At least put down the metal cleaver.

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

He didn't put down the cleaver.

[Crash] Hey, Bernstein.

[Wyatt] Crash, is that really you?

[Crash] Well, let's see. Am I purple?

Am I handsome?

Do I have a deck of playing cards pinched between my butt cheeks?

Then it's me.

Want to see a magic trick? Go ahead, pick a card.

[Wyatt] I don't think so.

[Crash] Oh right, I have to shuffle first.

[shuffle sound]

Ah!

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

[grunts] Nice cave.

Who you?

Actually, me no care. Me club you now!

-[Crash roars] -[Wyatt] What? No!

-[loud crash] -[magic sound]

[Crash, southern accent] Hello, I'm a southern millionaire

and I'm looking for my next business venture.

Is there an oil field or an N.F.L. Franchise for sale

in this apartment?

[Wyatt] How many of you are there?

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

[Crash] Meow.

Meow. Meow.

[Jasmine] Kitty!

Yay!

[magic sound]

[Crash growls]

[Jasmine] Not kitty.

[Crash growls]

[Crash] Uhhh.

[grunts]

[screams]

[Mel] Apparently whenever Crash gets startled by a loud noise,

he switches personalities.

But don't worry, he's harmless.

[Cleo] Is that a drawing of him hunting us?

[Crash laughs]

[Mel] Crash, that's my last good wall!

[cellphone beeps]

[Amanda] That must be Sean.

Ugh, it's Jennifer.

Does she really think I care how her stupid operation went?

When will Sean text me back?

[Crash groans]

[Amanda] What's that supposed to mean?

[Crash sighs deeply]

Boy no like talk.

[Amanda] Even texting?

[Crash] No text, no talk.

Maybe grunt.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Maybe.

[Amanda] Well, I guess it's worth a try.

[Cleo] You're taking advice from a caveman?

[frustrated grunt]

[Crash gasps] You wash mouth.

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

Howdy, little lady.

Did we meet last year at the ruthless business leaders

of America conference?

[Cleo] I wish. I'm Cleo.

C.E.O. of...

[whispers] Cleo.

[Crash] Ah, I used to have a whisper business myself.

We trained librarians until the bottom fell out of the book market.

[Cleo] Well, maybe you can give me some advice.

I can't seem to get my business off the ground.

[Crash] Well, there's only thing you need to know about making money:

find someone dumber than yourself and sell them something.

[Cleo] Well, what about--

-[thunder crashes] -[magic sound]

[Crash] Why are you staring at me?

[Cleo] Because you...

forgot to pay me for that thing I sold you.

[Crash] Ooh, I love things.

[Crash] I don't like the look of this place.

[Wyatt] Relax, we're here to get you fixed.

[Crash] Oh no, I knew a dog who had that done to him and he was not happy.

Oh, whoa.

You're pretty banged up.

Oh, but don't worry. I've seen worse. You're gonna be okay. Yeah.

[whispers] She's not gonna make it.

[doctor] Well, good news. The pretend surgery fixed the pretend tummy ache.

Here's the real bill.

Uh, next patient, Crash.

Hi, I'm Dr. Eric, chief of staff here at Bestie RX.

[Wyatt] Impressive. Where's the rest of your staff?

[doctor] Oh, she's at the food court getting me a cinnamon bun.

So what seems to be the problem?

[Wyatt] Crash got struck by lightning and now when he hears loud noises,

he turns into different things,

like a chef, a cat, a caveman.

[Crash] That is not true, doc.

My problem is I'm exhausted.

And lately I've been waking up in the morning

with weird stuff in my bed,

like cheese platters, squeaky toys.

Today there was Caribou carcass.

[doctor] Okay well, there are two possibilities.

Either your buddy here is right or you're pledging a fraternity.

Let me go ahead and do a quick exam. Say "ah" for me.

[Crash] Ah for me.

[doctor] Well, the smart-aleck function's still working properly.

So that's good news.

[Crash] Whoa whoa whoa. Cold hand, cold hand, cold hands.

[doctor] My best guess is the lightning fried his circuit.

[Crash] Lightning fried your circuit.

[doctor] I'll go ahead and order you a new chip.

Put it in as soon as you get it to prevent any lasting damage.

[Wyatt] Lasting damage?

What could happen? Is it serious?

[doctor] Listen, kid, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm not a real doctor.

[Jasmine] I like you, cat Crash.

You're my new best friend.

[Mel] Well, Jasmine, I'm glad you finally got your kitty cat.

Although we may have to get him declawed.

[Jasmine] I'm bored of him now. Bye.

[Mel] Well, you are kind of adorable.

-[Mel giggles] -[Crash] Meow. Meow. Meow.

[Mel giggles]

[Crash] Meow.

Meow.

-[Mel] Aww, this is nice. -[Crash] Meow.

[Mel] Aww.

Ugh, you're shedding all over...

This is the grossest thing about cats.

[hacks]

[Mel] Except for that.

[Wyatt] Okay, Crash, let's focus.

Our project is tomorrow.

[Crash] Totally focused.

What project?

[Amanda] This just came for you.

[Wyatt] Oh good. It's Crash's chip.

[Amanda] Wait, don't fix him yet. I need caveman Crash.

Sean just asked me out, but I don't know whether to say uh, or uh-uh.

No! The Bestie doctor said these personality changes

could cause permanent damage.

I've got to get that chip into him right away.

[Amanda screams] Boom!

Darn it.

-[door slams] -[magic sound]

[Wyatt] Oh no.

[Crash] I am Maximus.

The greatest gladiator to ever walk this earth.

[Wyatt] Wait, now you're a gladiator?

[Crash] Affirmative.

[Wyatt] From Ancient Rome?

[Crash] Well, we just call it...

Rome.

[Wyatt] No way!

[Crash] If you need proof, here is my chariot license.

It is not my best picture. I had helmet hair!

Stand back!

A beast in the Coliseum.

[screams]

[Wyatt] I think this can wait one more day.

Hey, Maximus. How would you like to go to school with me tomorrow?

[Crash] At your service, my liege.

[Wyatt] Okay, Maximus, tomorrow is a big day. I need you to get some rest.

[Crash] Yes, my liege.

[Cleo] Crash!

[Wyatt] Uh-oh. The enemy is coming.

She'll want to turn you into someone else.

Here, put these on.

[Crash] People are talking and rhyming.

Interesting.

[Wyatt] Yeah, it's called hip hop.

[Cleo] Where's southern millionaire?

[Wyatt] I don't know where Crash is. He's not here. Get out.

[Crash] ♪ All the ladies go hey... ♪

-[Cleo] That was Crash. -[Wyatt] No, it wasn't.

[Crash] ♪ All the fellas go what, what? ♪

My liege, the anger in this music has readied me for battle.

[Wyatt] Oh, why don't you leave those on?

[Crash] Oh good.

I was listening to the most fascinating story

about a booty that would not stop shaking.

Holla.

[applause]

[teacher] Thank you, Pesto.

Although next time we'd all appreciate a little heads up

before Mount Vesuvius has a ketchup eruption.

Hmm, there goes my Thursday outfit.

[Pesto] I like what you wear on Tuesdays better.

[teather] Yes, I know, Pesto. I got your notes.

Okay, next up is Wyatt and Crash.

This ought to be... something.

[Wyatt] There were many awesome things about the Roman Empire:

chariots, volcanoes, entire rooms devoted to vomit,

but the greatest of all was this.

[Crash screams]

I am Maximus Octavius.

I was born in the year of the four emperors

and fought in the battles of Messana and Agrigentum.

[teacher] Agrigentum?

That isn't a real place.

Oh, what do you know? It is.

[Crash] Raise your hand if you have stared death in the eye and laughed.

Really?

So you've stood inches from a lion's gaping maw

with nothing to defend yourself except your wits and muscles?

[Pesto] No.

But once I asked a ninth grader to give me back my comb.

-[Crash] Totally not the same. -[Pesto] It kind of is.

[Crash] Truly, it is not.

[Wyatt] Anyway, Maximus had one objective, to survive.

-[Crash grunts] -[Wyatt] And his fate rested entirely

on the thumb of the emperor.

Live? Or die?

And so I ask the empress, Ms. Harris...

-[Crash] Oh yes. -[Wyatt] How do you judge our report?

-[Wyatt] Does Maximus live? -[Crash] Ha ha.

-[Wyatt] Or does he die? -[Crash] Oh.

[Wyatt] "Live" would be an "A".

[Students] No no no.

[cheers] [applause]

[Wyatt] No, no, no loud noises!

[magic sound]

[Crash grunts]

Me no like volcano!

Volcano killed family.

[screams] Die-eeee!

[Pesto] Hey, don't do that!

-[Wyatt] Crash! -[magic sound]

[Crash] Oh, you call that a stadium?

Where are all the luxury boxes?

You can't let the riffraff mix with the upper crust.

That just won't do.

[teacher] He's disrupting class.

[Wyatt] Maximus, where are you? I need you back.

-[slams] -[magic sound]

[Crash] Meow.

-[teacher] Oh. -[Crash] Meow.

[teacher] Oh no. I'm allergic to cats! [sneezes]

[magic sound]

[Crash] Hola, señorita.

I do not know how I came to be in your arms,

but you smell like a ripe bell pepper.

[gasps] You!

It was you who stole my recipe for gazpacho!

[teacher] No, I--what? What is going on, Wyatt?

[Wyatt] This is my fault.

I could have fixed Crash, but I needed his gladiator personality for the report.

[sighs] I guess I kind of stabbed him in the back.

[teacher] Just like Caesar was betrayed by his friend Brutus.

[Wyatt] He was?

I mean, he was!

Yes, that is exactly what we were going for!

Ms. Harris, I'm impressed you picked up on the subtlety.

[bell rings]

[magic sound]

[Crash] Hey, Bernstein. When do we do our report?

Ooh, an audience.

Who wants to see a card trick?

-[Wyatt] Let's go, Crash. -[Crash] Okay.

♪ Yeah yeah yeah. ♪

[Amanda] So I went out with Sean, but it's been three days since he's called.

Should I call? Should I not call?

[Crash] I am telling you, Amanda, you can never call a man too much.

I say 40, 50 times a day minimum.

Guys love that.

[Amanda] Okay, anybody but the real Crash.

[all murmur]

Cook for him. The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Actually, it's quicker to go through his chest,

but you'll need a strong blade to get through the bone!

[Amanda] Okay, I can't cook and I don't have a knife.

[Crash] You want impress boy? Kill mastodon.

[screams]

Hogwash. I used two things to win the affection of my missus:

A warm smile and cold hard cash.

That was my first wife. My second wife I won in a card game.

[Amanda] You guys are pathetic. Any advice from you, kitty Crash?

[hacks]

[Amanda] That's disgusting.

But it makes more sense than what the rest of you said.

[all] What?! Are you kidding me? You sure are prettier than you are smart.

-I mean, come on, it's a cat thing. -I'm telling you.

[shocked gasp, then panting]

[doctor] You're all set. I put the new chip in,

so you shouldn't have anymore problems.

[Crash] Oh, I just had the weirdest dream, doc.

I was sitting at a table full of incredibly wise and handsome men,

giving excellent dating advice.

[doctor] Oh, that's not weird.

I had a dream where I was a toy doctor. [laughs]

Please let this be a dream.

[theme music playing]

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪