Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down On Crash and Bern ♪

Let's go! Time for school!

[grunts]

Cleo, why are you carrying all of your books?

I had to let my servants go.

You know, the economy.

Ah. The first smart-aleck remark of the morning is always the best one.

Morning, mom. You look nice.

Don't think I'm gonna fall for that nonsense for one minute.

What do you want?

Nothing. You look nice. That's all.

[clears throat]

Okay, 20 bucks so I can sign up for baseball.

You know, for 20 bucks, I should be gorgeous.

Yes!

Hey, what happened to your backpack?

Rufus took it.

Who's Rufus?

You know, that Neanderthal in your class they call "the slapper."

[chuckles] His real name is Rufus?

[laughing] That's hysterical!

Please don't tell him I laughed at his name.

We don't really talk.

I don't know that many one-syllable words.

The slapper was bad enough when he forced everyone to play

his painful slapping game.

Now he's taking everyone's stuff!

That guy is completely out of control.

Bernstein!

How dare you!

I have been on my best behavior since I got here!

Crash, I wasn't talking about you.

Take it back! I am not out of control!

[slipping sound] [shattering]

[grunts]

Whoa. Whoa!

[shattering]

Oh!

Stop! Crash! What are you doing?

[grunts]

[short circuit]

[grunts]

Okay, now don't be mad, Mrs. B.

[short circuit]

Crash, I'm gonna kill you.

Okay, in my defense,

let me say just one thing.

Run, Bernstein!

You should run.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong - Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge - I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams - Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

- ♪ Crash and Bernstein - What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever - That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ - I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Man, I've never seen my mom that mad.

You'd better think of what you're gonna do to make it up to her.

I know!

I'll write, "I'm sorry" on a real pretty rock.

Then throw it through her window.

Maybe just say you're sorry.

Right.

Before or after I throw the rock?

Hey, Wyatt.

Why are you missing a shoe? Another escalator accident?

First of all, those things are death traps!

And the slapper took my shoe.

Why would he want just one shoe?

Hey.

Six and a half?

My mom says bullies like the slapper are just lonely

and we should try to be nice to them.

Mine!

Well, here's your chance.

My mom's wrong a lot.

Nice bike, Bernstein.

Give it to me.

Look, Ruf-- [clears throat]

Slapper, I know you can hurt me,

but so will my mom if I come home without my bike.

And she's already lost a TV today,

so she's right on the edge.

[emphatically] I want that bike.

Hey, hey, hey, buddy.

Where's all that anger coming from, huh?

Are you lonely?

Because I think I might know why.

It's your horrible personality.

Oh, and I'm gonna need my sister's backpack.

[laughing] Dream on, buttstein.

Oh, very clever what you did there with my name.

Whoa. Bernstein,

you stood up to the slapper.

When'd you get so brave?

I don't know. But to be honest, it makes my stomach hurt a little.

♪ Crash! ♪

That is it!

I've had it with Crash.

I swear I'm gonna kill him.

[sighs] I mean, I know Wyatt's attached to him,

but, you know, he also liked Mr. Bucket, and I got rid of that.

Wait. I thought you said Mr. Bucket got lost at the beach.

No, I ran over Mr. Bucket.

Yeah, the first time was an accident, but...

then the crunch felt so good under my tires.

Mom, you need a hobby.

I do have a hobby.

Cleaning up after Crash.

I mean, I knew parenting wasn't gonna be a walk in the park

but I did not sign up for this.

Boy, I could really use a walk in the park.

Amanda...

how did you get lipstick all over my blouse?

[hesitates]

That wasn't me.

It was Crash. Yeah.

He was wearing your blouse

and then he was putting on lipstick.

Yeah, and then he got a text message,

so he dropped the lipstick all over your blouse.

Hmm. Okay. Amanda, I'm not stupid.

I don't think you are.

But I bet Crash does.

Hey, Wyatt.

I heard you stood up for me to the slapper this morning.

-Yeah, I guess I did. -[yells] Cut it out!

I can't let my friends think I can get along with my brother.

It ruins my bad girl rep.

Here they come!

Are they gone?

[grunts]

Hey, have you seen Crash?

-Maybe he walked home ahead of you. -I hope not.

Crash gets distracted when he walks alone.

Once he caught a whiff of sausage and ended up in Milwaukee.

[shouts] Girls!

Thanks.

Anytime. Now stay there. They're coming back.

I'll let you know when it's safe to come out.

[Cleo] Wyatt?

Are they still there?

Hello?

Oh, very funny!

Ah! Come on!

Have you seen Crash? I can't find him anywhere.

Well, he wasn't in the bushes.

I searched all of his favorite places.

The dumpster behind the rib joint,

the manure pile at the petting zoo,

even that place at the docks

where he thinks the seagulls are talking to him.

You know how mom always threatens to kill Crash?

Well, you don't think she'd actually do it?

No. Mom talks like that a lot.

Like the time when she threatened to send you to live with grandma

if you ruined another one of her blouses.

[gasps] I forgot about that.

[humming]

Oh!

Great.

Ugh!

Oh.

Ah. Don't ask.

It was an accident.

Is that Crash's shirt?

It was.

Well, that ends that.

I'm sorry, did you want something, honey?

N-no, I'm good.

Alright.

Hello, officer. I'd like to report a missing person.

Well, he's not exactly a person.

And I'm not entirely sure he's missing.

Yes, I'm being serious.

Oh, and also, he's purple.

-Hello? -[dial tone]

[computer chimes]

Hey, what's this?

[clicks]

Bernstein! God, you have to help me!

I've been taken by some really bad dudes.

What?

[grunts]

They won't return me

until you give them your bike.

Hurry!

They're serious.

I'm sorry, this isn't working for me.

I mean, who wrote this?

What's my motivation?

When's lunch?

[Rufus] Read the script.

Hmm, the slapper.

Can we at least make it more believable?

[slapping and grunting]

Ah!

Now we're making a hostage video, huh?

Okay.

Bernstein,

they're really hurting me.

[crying] For the love of mustard,

do as they say and give up your bike!

[crying]

[sobbing]

[laughs]

[grunts]

Perfect.

That was fun.

Now this time you be the hostage.

I'm not the hostage.

You're the hostage.

Really? Then why are you tied up?

[deep voice] Na-naaa!

Pretty good, huh?

[grunts] Knock-knock!

-Who's there? -Knock-knock!

-That's not how it works. -Shh!

Trust me.

There's a big payoff at the end.

-Knock-knock! -Who's there?

-Knock-knock! -Who's there?

-Knock-knock! -[impatient] Who's there?

-Knock... -Knock who?

Knock-knock!

[sighs]

Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping?

-No. -Good. I have a joke for you.

Knock-knock!

Please let me sleep.

You're fun.

We should hang out more.

Can I write on your face?

No.

What are you looking at?

Hey, slapper.

-"Doofus." -What did you call me?

So my buddy, Crash, is missing.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

-No. -So you wrote on your own face?

-[grunts] -Crash, you escaped!

I did? From what?

Uh, from the slapper. He took you hostage.

No, he didn't.

He just offered me a ride home in a dark sack.

Who could pass that up?

So the slapper ran away after I called him doofus?

No, you ran away after you called him doofus.

That's not how I remember it.

So what's it like at the slapper's house? Is it awful?

No, we were having fun!

We stayed up all night telling that really long knock-knock joke

that you love so much.

No one loves that joke.

Oh, he does. He laughed until he cried.

Except he skipped the first part.

Hey, it's great you guys are having so much fun.

Maybe you should go back home with him.

I mean, why should I be the only one

who gets to enjoy your pointless knock-knock jokes?

Oh, you're a heck of a guy, Bernstein.

Always thinking of others.

-I'm a giver. -Yeah.

[grunts]

[whoops]

So you're giving Crash back?

No, I have a plan.

I need Crash to drive the slapper so crazy

he'll never mess with our stuff.

That's probably a good idea.

Not everyone can stand up to the slapper, like I did.

Yup, no one hides in a girls' room stall like you do.

I'm not touching you!

Still not touching you!

Oh, no, look!

Now I have two--

-[sighs] -[shouts] Two fingers not touching you!

Uh-oh, look at this!

Six! Six fingers not touching you!

How about this?

[shouts] Ten!

Ten fingers simultaneously not touching you!

New world record!

New game!

Everybody conga!

Yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Whoo-hoo!

-Oh yeah! Oh, no, no, no? -Shh! Shh!

How about this?

♪ Cha-cha-cha Cha-cha-cha, uh! ♪

-Ow! -No, no, no.

♪ Ow! ♪ Try that. ♪ Ow! ♪

Just a little higher, here we go. ♪ Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, uh! ♪

-Ow! -No, no, no, no.

[long] ♪ Ow! ♪

A little higher. ♪ Ow! ♪

From the diaphragm. ♪ Ow! ♪ Here we go!

♪ Cha-cha-cha, Cha-cha-cha, uh! ♪

-Ow! -Oh...

No. ♪ Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha, uh! ♪

-Ow! -No, no, no, you're not listening!

-♪ Ow! ♪ -I can't handle this!

When is Bernstein gonna respond to my video?

I don't know. He's a really good sleeper.

That's one of the ways you and he are different.

I haven't seen you close your eyes since I got here.

[clicks] Finally!

Dear people who have Crash,

I have received your cheesy ransom video

and I am ready to respond.

After giving your request serious thought,

I have decided to let you keep Crash.

[shouts] No!

He's bluffing.

Now I'm sure you think I'm bluffing,

but I'm not.

Frankly, Crash can be pretty annoying

and my bike is way more fun.

So enjoy your new friend. Bye!

[scared] Wait--

[yells] What just happened?

Bernstein's giving me up for a bike?

How can that be?

I'm way more fun than a bike!

Can a bike do this?

[whooshes] Hyah!

[breaking sound]

[shouts] No!

[sighs] Oh well,

looks like you and I are going to be spending more time together.

But that's okay.

You get me.

You would never trade me for a bike. Would ya?

[angrily] Yes, I would!

That's exactly what I've been trying to do.

You too?

Do I not have a single friend in the entire world?!

[sighs] Fine, then.

I'm running away!

No, you're not.

Okay.

-Knock-knock. -Get out.

Hi, mom.

I'm just doing the dishes.

After this, I'm gonna clean out the closets,

because I love, honor and respect you.

Thanks.

Oh, you missed a spot.

It'll never happen again.

Well, the closet's not gonna clean itself.

Well, it took 16 years, but she's finally coming around.

She thinks you're a killer.

What?

Amanda thinks you killed Crash

and now she thinks she's next.

Amanda thinks her own mother is capable of that kind of violence?

I know. It's horrible.

No, it's fantastic.

Finally, some leverage!

You know, love only gets you so far, sweetie, but fear,

fear gets the toilets scrubbed.

Amanda!

No, see? That's too nice.

[shouts angrily] Amanda!

That's the one.

Yo, Bernstein.

[sighs] I have a confession.

-I have Crash. -[gasps]

I am shocked!

So you lied to me?

Oh, slapper, I am so disappointed.

You can have the purple freak back.

Just give me your bike.

No. How about you give me Crash,

forget about my bike, and leave us alone?

All right.

Don't give me your bike.

Just let me borrow it whenever I want.

Crash is getting to you, isn't he?

No.

Can I at least have your lunch?

No, I'm not gonna give you anything.

Where's Crash?

I don't have him.

He ran away last night.

Ran away?

I don't get it. He didn't come home.

Who could blame him after what you said about him on that video?

Dude, that was cold.

So...

I walked right up to the slapper,

looked him in the eye and called him a doofus!

[boys laugh]

[worried] Uh-oh.

[girls scream]

♪ Yeah! ♪

[music fades out]

[seagull caws]

-Who's there? -[seagull caws]

-Who's there? -[seagull caws]

I love this joke!

You seagulls are the only ones that get me.

[seagull caws]

Oh, thanks, Stanley.

I feel the same about you.

I once had a friend named Bernstein, but, he ditched me.

Crash!

Now his voice haunts my thoughts.

-There you are. -It's spooky, really.

Oh.

Hello.

I've been searching everywhere for you.

The manure guy at the petting zoo suggested I look here.

Oh, that's it!

I'm getting a new manure guy.

Are you okay?

Well, I would be

except that my best friend called me annoying

and said that he'd rather ride his bike than hang out with me.

I'm talking about you.

Yeah, I got that.

And Crash, I didn't mean any of that stuff on the video.

I was acting.

I'd never give you up. You're my best friend.

That was acting?

Oh, bravo, Bernstein.

Bravo.

Now do a cat.

I'm not gonna do a cat.

[deep voice] please?

-[bored] Meow. -[gasps]

Uncanny!

Is there a cat here?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Sorry my plan backfired.

I was hoping the slapper would get so sick of you

he'd give you back and leave us alone.

You wanted him to be sick of me?

I didn't know that.

Oh, Bernstein,

I would've played it all differently.

Can I please visit slappy one more time?

Please?

You don't see this side of me, but,

when I want to, I can be kind of, uh...

Oh, what's the word?

-Annoying? -No.

[seagull caws]

That's it! Thank you, Stanley!

-Knock-knock! -Oh!

[exasperated sigh] I thought you ran away.

[sings] I'm back!

-Did you miss me? -No!

-[whooshes] -[scared] Ah!

Come on! Just a little?

-[scared] Ah! -Where are we going?

[phews]

-Ah! -Hello.

Are you following me?

Can I borrow your underwear?

Morning, slapper.

Where am I?

One of my favorite places in the whole world.

Crash, I don't know about this.

[mad] I got this, Bernstein!

-[seagulls caws] -What's up with all the seagulls?

They probably smell the fish.

[screams]

Let me at him!

Look, Slapper, Crash has gone rogue.

I don't know what he's capable of,

but if you promise to leave me and my friends alone,

and give back everything you stole to all the kids at school,

I'll ask him to call off the birds.

I speak seagull.

[caws]

Okay, I promise!

Good!

Guys, it's cool! You can all go home!

-[seagulls cawing] -Guys?

Guys?

Oh, wait,

these aren't my seagulls.

[thrilling sound]

[cawing] [wings flapping]

♪ Let me hear you say, Crash ♪

Wyatt, you're, like, a hero.

Which kinda makes me a hero, too.

You know, 'cause I'm your friend.

Sure, Pesto.

That's how it works.

Okay, I returned everything.

-Good. -Yeah, good!

Just kidding.

All right, now take Crash back and keep him away from me.

[Crash grunts] Bye, Rufus!

I think he likes me.

-Who wouldn't? -Well, your mom.

Amanda, I told you.

Mom didn't kill Crash.

I haven't seen him in three days

and I saw her digging.

-Coincidence? -Yes.

Come to think of it,

I haven't seen Jasmine today either.

I think I felt something.

Okay, now you've completely lost it.

Can I prove to you there's nothing to be afraid of?

-[thrilling sound] -[girls screaming]

[shouts] Ah! [sighs]

Uh-oh, I saw my shadow.

That means six more weeks of not showering.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

- ♪ Good call! - Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

- ♪ I said, "Stein" - What he said ♪