Original subtitles

[beeps]

Yes! My fever's gone.

Time to get out of my sick robe

and into my healthy robe.

[gasps]

You have two robes?

Are you the king of a small island, Bernstein?

This worked out perfectly.

I got sick enough to miss a week of school

and got better just in time to go on the camping trip this weekend.

Well, I'm glad you're feeling better,

but I am gonna miss listening to you get sick

and guessing what you had for lunch.

I'm the vomit whisperer.

That's gonna get you into a really good college.

I know.

You're gonna love camping.

You don't have to shower,

you get to eat meat on a stick

and any bush can be a toilet.

You just described every good dream I've ever had.

Anyways, the best part about this weekend

is we get to watch a sweet meteor shower.

I have a code I live by, Bernstein. I don't like people watch me shower,

so I ain't watching no meteor when he showers.

Crash, first off, you don't shower.

Oh, right.

And a meteor shower is just a bunch of shooting stars.

There won't be another one like this for 72 years.

Wait, let me check my calendar.

Hmm.

[ripping]

[mumbling]

Twenty eighty five.

Ooh! [inhales sharply]

I have a dentist appointment that day.

We should definitely see it this year.

Don't talk to me, don't look at me

and don't do anything stupid.

Okay, I'm fine with the first two,

but stupid is kind of our thing.

Thanks for giving me your flu, Wyatt.

I was already sick of you,

now I'm sick because of you!

[vomiting]

Wait, I'm getting something.

Sloppy Joes...

and a side of peach cobbler.

The vomit whisperer.

[toilet flushes]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

This stinks! Mom, jasmine and Cleo are sick

and Amanda’s not helping me at all.

She's been talking on the phone for hours, to some guy.

They're actually not even talking anymore.

They're just sighing at each other.

[high-pitch sigh]

[deep sigh]

[high-pitch sigh]

[deep sigh]

Cleaning up after other people is the worst.

Now I know why Mom's always mad!

You're looking at this all the wrong way, Bernstein.

With the girls out of commission, we have the run of the house!

Let's have some fun.

Kitchen wrestling!

[both grunting]

[crashing]

[yells]

[Crash shouts] Oh, no!

[grunts]

[groans]

[growls]

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no!

-Yeah, I'm gonna do it! Here it comes! -No!

[both grunt]

No, no, no, no, no, no! [grunts]

No, no, no, no, no! [grunts]

-What are you doing? Stop it! [grunts] -Crash.

Oh. Right.

Hey! What does the sign on the fridge say?

[both inhale deeply]

[both sadly] No kitchen wrestling.

See you later.

Wyatt, it's so sweet of you

to take such good care of Mom while she's sick.

-Thanks. -Knock it off.

Why?

Mom's easier to manipulate when she's sick.

Last time she had a fever,

she let me dye my hair pink and try out for a reality show.

Flu season's my favorite time of year.

Then why don't you celebrate by helping me out?

I would...

but I don't want to.

Besides, I'll be stuck taking care of everyone this weekend

when you're off camping.

Right now I just need Mom to let me go on a date

with a hot new transfer student.

[sweet] His name's Ransom.

Sounds like another winner.

He is.

You should see him climb a fence.

[Mel weakly] Can someone bring me some more orange juice?

Wyatt? And...

I can't remember the other kids' names.

Is there a Stan?

Wow, she sounds really out of it.

[excited] Wish me luck.

Dr. Bernstein is taking care of other patients right now.

But he asked me to give you a few tests.

There's spelling, history and math.

Bernstein needs to turn them in by Wednesday.

And don't forget to show his work.

Crash, you're really giving me a headache.

Ooh. Probably should do a cat scan.

Meow. Meow.

Meow.

-Meow. -What are you doing?

I don't know.

I'm not a doctor.

But as your physician,

I think I'd better check your reflexes. [clears throat]

[shouting] Shark! Shark! There's a shark in the room!

-What? Shark? -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know the rules, young lady.

Shark or not, you need to stay on your side of the room.

[Cleo] Huh?

That dividing line used to be in the middle of the room.

Oh. That is the middle of the room.

Your depth perception is way off.

You'd better lie down and not talk for a month.

Hey, what happened to my snow globes?

Snow globes?

That shelf is where I keep my chopped-off doll heads.

This fever is really doing a number on you.

Please read this eye chart.

I.

M.

A.

Butt.

Patient thinks she's a butt.

I concur with your diagnosis.

♪ Kick it down, Crash and Bern ♪

Oh, yeah.

[bubbling]

Dude, you're right!

Pranking Cleo is so easy when she's out of it.

I just got her to throw up into her hat.

[both laughing]

-I'm gonna toss this out. -Yeah.

[bag rustles]

Oh! Crash, what are you cooking?

It's soup. I got it from your mom's cookbook.

That's the manual for the washing machine.

Oh, it's a good thing I can't read.

Yeah, and my mom doesn't usually cook with rope.

She should.

It's an excellent source of fiber.

I'm meeting Ransom in an hour.

Have you seen my Grey hat that Cleo keeps borrowing?

[both hesitate]

-No. -No, no.

[exhales]

Are you okay? You don't look so good.

Better have some soup. It's good for sick people.

It's got rump roast, butt steak, lamb cheeks

and a pinch of squirrel intestines.

Bam!

I think I might be sick.

[sighs] I'm gonna have to cancel with Ransom.

What? No, you can't get sick!

We'll miss the camping trip!

[shouting] You've gotta shake it off!

Oh, I think something's coming up!

Don't tell me! I got this.

[wondering] Scrambled eggs.

[moans]

Another mystery solved by...

the vomit whisperer.

♪ Let's go ♪

Oh, great. Bernstein, you're here.

I'm getting ready for camping.

Help me fold up the television.

[grunts]

Crash, while everyone's still sick,

-we're stuck here taking care of 'em. -Oh.

I don't know when they're gonna get better.

This apartment's crawling with germs.

What are germs?

I've been looking for some crawling buddies.

Germs are freaky little invisible bugs.

Cool! Where do you get 'em?

They're not cool.

They make you sick. And you can get 'em pretty much anywhere.

-Bus seats... -I stand.

-Toilet handles... -Not a big flusher.

Gum from under arcade games.

[spits] No!

Not a.b.c. Gum!

My favorite flavor in the whole world is germy?

It is so totally not fair.

[grunts] I think I'll scrub my tongue.

[babbles]

Didn't think I needed to say it,

but germs are also in used tissues.

Huh? [spits]

Oh! Is nothing safe?

[Mel] Hello? I need my water.

-Who said that? -I know you can hear me.

Mrs. B?

Is that you?

Where are you, Mrs. B?

Are there any more crackers?

Mrs. B?

[yells] Mrs. B?

[gasps]

The germs!

[yells] Bernstein, horrible news!

The freaky invisible bugs

have turned your mom invisible!

[moans] The germs, the germs.

[sweetly] Here, germs.

Come here, germs.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Whoa.

I just wanna talk.

[shouting] Die!

Die, die, die, die, die, die!

Crash, I asked for a toast 20 minutes ago.

Too busy killing germs.

Oh, stand still. This is gonna take a while.

Get away from me.

Is that my toothbrush?

I don't know.

It tasted like Cleo's.

It doesn't matter.

The battle against germs is bigger than you can imagine.

It goes all the way to the top.

The top of what?

That refrigerator.

It's disgusting up there. Uck!

What's going on? What's with all the plastic wrap?

The entire apartment has been sanitized for your protection.

I've wrapped anything you can sit on.

You, uh, might wanna be careful on the toilet.

Crash, you're in a house

full of sick people.

It's not the top of the refrigerator you should be afraid of.

It's all of us.

You're all covered in dust and raisins?

I'm just saying if you're around sick people,

you're probably gonna get sick.

In that case,

there's only one thing to do.

[shouts] Attack!

Attack! Attack!

Die, germs, die!

Get back here with those germs, young lady!

Attack!

[grunts]

[grunts] Oh, great.

Now I need to burn my 10-foot pole. [grunts]

Crash, where did you get a Hazmat suit?

In the dumpster behind the hospital.

I'm pretty sure it belonged to a pirate.

The dumpster had skulls and crossbones all over it.

I think his ship was called "the hazardous waste."

You're a hazardous waste.

[chuckles] Good one!

I'll miss this clever back-and-forth.

-Do you have any last words for me? -Crash, I'm not going anywhere.

But I am. I'm moving out of this germ factory.

[grunts]

Me and my girls are moving out to the patio.

Yup, country living for Crash and his severed lady heads.

You can keep the sick stick. It's already contaminated.

-Hey, crash, what are you-- -Stop right there!

Before you get any closer, you need to be deloused.

-I don't have lice. -But your cooties might.

All right, that's good.

You're all set.

-[shouts] Face slam! -[both grunt]

What was that?

It's called the safe slam.

It's less germy.

And less slammy.

You can't be too careful, Bernstein.

Your sisters are disgusting.

You don't have to tell me that. I have to share a bathroom with them.

But we have to get them better if we want to go on our camping trip.

I need you to help me.

Okay. Step one:

Don't panic.

I'm not panicking.

Which brings us to step two.

Read this very alarming information I found online

that will totally make you panic.

Based on my research,

it appears the women in this house have all the classic symptoms

of turkey measles.

"Sneezing, headache, upset stomach"...

"Foaming at the mouth and uncontrollable gobbling"?

It's only a matter of time, Bernstein.

Then we'll be forced to divide them all up

into white meat and dark meat. I call dark meat!

The site does seem pretty reliable.

Uh-oh, this could be bad for you.

-What? -Do both your feet point forward?

[gasps] Yes!

Do you have ears on both sides of your head?

[whimpers]

[surprised] I do!

Are you worried that everything around you could make you sick?

[shouts] Worried sick!

Well, I hate to tell you,

but I'm afraid you have an incurable case of absolutely nothing!

I knew it! How long do I have?

Crash, knock it off.

I need you to help me so we can go camping.

How can you even think of camping at a time like this?

[shouts] I've gotta find a cure for absolutely nothing!

Try slapping yourself.

[slaps, grunts]

-I don't feel any better. -But I do.

-Keep it up. -Okay.

[slaps, grunting]

Crash, germs are just part of life.

They're everywhere.

You can't just seal yourself off from the rest of the world.

Bernstein...

that's it!

You're a genius!

[laughs] How do you like my new digs?

Thanks for telling me I could seal myself off from the world.

I said you can't seal yourself from the world.

That's the difference between you and me, Bernstein.

When you say, "Can't," I say, "How high?"

You can't just live your life in a bubble.

You say I can't live in a bubble,

I say, "How high do you want me to live in this bubble?"

We can do this all day, Bernstein.

[emphatically] All day.

Hey, Crash, good news!

Everyone's feeling better and Mom says we can go on our camping trip.

[grunts] Camping's disgusting!

There are germs everywhere,

you don't shower for days, you sleep in the dirt.

And do you have any idea what bears do in the woods?

Who cares? We've been waiting for this for months.

Now we can finally go zip-lining.

I've always wanted to hurtle through the treetops on a zipper.

We can go white-water rafting.

White is my favorite color of water.

We even get to go snake hunting.

[gasps] I could test out my new snake whistle.

All right, I'm in!

That's the Crash I know!

Now get out of the bubble and start packing.

[hesitates] I'm not leaving the bubble.

Crash, part of the fun of being outdoors

is actually being outdoors.

Whatever, Bernstein.

I can do everything you can do in this bubble.

Except the things you just mentioned.

What's wrong with you?

You never used to be afraid of anything.

Now you're afraid of everything.

You're no fun anymore.

[gasps]

You don't mean that.

I'm still fun!

I'm just clean, safe, germ-free fun.

It's a more responsible, fear-based, head-in-the-sand kind of fun.

The bus is picking us up at the arcade for the camping trip.

If you decide to break out of your shell and act normal again, come on down.

[scoffs]

Tell me I'm no fun.

What does he know?

I can have fun anywhere.

I really should have brought my drum set in here.

[mimics drums]

[Crash] Bernstein, where are you?

[yells] Bernstein, where are you?

[whoops, laughs]

[groans]

[grunts]

-[grunts] -Wow. Dramatic entrance, Crash.

Thanks. That's how I roll.

So what are you doing here, anyway?

I'm coming with you.

I'm done with the bubble life.

You were right, Bernstein.

This is no way to live.

I want to be out there with you, having fun!

Really? That's great!

So why are you still in there?

It's... complicated.

-You're stuck, aren't you? -Yes, I am.

I gotta tell you, Bernstein.

When I thought about my best bud going on a camping trip without me,

I felt all weird.

I got these chills, my stomach started hurting, I was dizzy.

Thanks, I feel the same way,

but I think you might actually be sick.

Sick? That's impossible!

This thing is airtight! Nothing gets in or out! Look.

Uh-oh.

I might not be so airtight.

[grunting, moaning]

Whoa. Well, I'm glad that's over with. [gags]

Oh.

False alarm. [grunting]

[moans]

That's all of it. [crying]

[Wyatt] Whoo!

[clapping and laughing]

[Wyatt] Yeah!

I'm hungry.

[moaning]

Hello, mister... Crash?

Is that how you pronounce it?

[grunts] Yes.

I'm from the business office here at Bernstein General.

How are you feeling?

Terrible.

Oh, that's fantastic!

So I'm looking at your chart and tell me,

can you feel this?

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry. That's not your chart.

This is your chart.

[grunts]

Yeah, that feels like my chart.

Hey, leave him alone.

He's sick.

So I'll be back to listen to your heart.

I just have to get my stethoscope out of the freezer.

[groans] Okay.

I made you some soup.

Did you put in extra rope?

Just the way you like it.

Thanks for staying home taking care of me, Bernstein.

Sorry you had to miss the meteor shower.

It's okay. I mean sure, it's something that most people will never see

in their lifetime, but so is what you did in that ball.

Thanks. I just wish I didn't feel so lousy.

[gags] Oh.

-Oh! Here's something to cheer you up! -[hesitates]

A guy posted a video named "Purple Puking Dude."

-Huh? -Here.

-[gasps] This is awesome! -Yeah.

Who's that handsome guy drowning in his own vomit?

That's you, Crash.

[gasps] Did I survive?

[shouting] Bernstein!

I'm out of soup rope!

[Amanda] Wyatt's not here.

Who said that?

Amanda?

Yes, Crash?

Where are you?

[cheerily] I'm right here.

[gasps] Where?

Where's Wyatt?

[Cleo] He's in the soup.

Huh? Bernstein?

[shouting] Bernstein!

How did this happen?

You did it. Don't you remember?

Oh. I've been out of it the last couple of days.

I had some weird dreams.

Mostly about angry headless dolls trying to rip me apart.

That's it. I must be dreaming.

Oh, this is no dream.

You made soup out of Wyatt.

[gasps]

[crying] No! No...

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking straight.

I was sick.

[sobs]

[grunts]

I realize this is probably a small consolation, Bernstein,

but you're delicious!

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪