Original subtitles

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

Step it up, Jasmine. I need a blizzard. This wouldn't even get school canceled!

Oh, a parade? For me?

It's long overdue but I accept.

I'm taking a picture for my campaign poster.

I'm running for president of the snowboard club.

You wanna talk or you wanna take pictures?

We need more paper.

No problem.

[grunts]

Now, this is what I call a snowstorm!

But why is the snow green?

Because it's money!

It's like a winter wonderland.

Hey, Jasmine! Try and catch some on your tongue.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Hey, Crash?

Ah!

Climb in the money pool, Bernstein, the water's fine!

Actually... hold on.

Someone had an accident in the shallow end.

It was me.

Crash, where did all this money come from?

From Mrs. López.

She's in my telenovela club.

[crying]

[blows nose]

Don Pedro is a bad man!

[yells in Spanish]

[speaks in Spanish]

You're right. All men are pigs.

Not you, Crash.

I'm not sure what you are.

We bonded over our two passions:

Telenovelas and punking Mr. Poulos.

[elevator dings]

It's clear. Go, go, go!

He's definitely in there.

The doorknob is still moist.

Boy, can that man sweat!

-Come on! -[both giggling]

What do you want?

Hello, gorgeous.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. [chuckling]

Ahh!

-[both laugh] -[Poulos] I know it's you, López!

It's me too.

[both laugh]

Oh, Crash, I'm so happy you moved into our building.

No one finds as much joy in the pain of others

as you do.

I was born without a conscience.

But I don't feel bad about it.

And I'm not sure why.

[both laugh]

Anyway, Mrs. López left me her money.

She's gone to a better place.

Oh, no! She died?

No, she went to Alaska.

That's a way better place.

They have polar bears.

[inhales deeply]

-[rattles] -Oh!

Anyway, she said I'd have her money if I looked after her cats.

I'm really going to miss her. And the cats.

Now, come on. Are you jumping in or what?

I have to get to snowboard club.

Scottie is running against me for president and he wins at everything.

He's already president of five different clubs.

And one of them is the future businesswomen of America.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're running against Scottie?

You don't stand a chance.

Scottie's so nice and handsome.

He's always smiling.

And his fist bump is awesome.

He could go pro.

Amanda, will you get me a lemonade?

No, get it yourself.

Maybe this will make your skinny legs move faster.

Jasmine, where did you get that?

From Crash. He's rich now.

Does anyone have change for a million?

I don't want to break a hundred.

Where did all that money come from?

Ugh, I'm getting so tired of telling this story.

Rich lonely lady,

telenovelas,

polar bears. Prank, prank, prank.

Better place, not dead, I'm rich.

-So you're actually rich? -[Crash nods]

That's so not fair...

that you could be so rich and incredibly handsome.

I like you.

There used to be another tall blonde girl who lived here who I didn't like.

I think she might have been a witch.

But you're good people. Here, take two handfuls.

Crash, wealth is big responsibility.

You need a professional money manager.

But you're in luck, because that's what we do here at...

-[whispers] Cleo. -Oh.

Crash, be careful. Money has a way of changing people.

The janitor at our school won the lottery and now he, like, barely cleans.

Don't worry, the money won't change me.

I'm going to do the same stuff I've always done.

Just with a few basic luxuries.

Like having my own personal burper.

[snaps fingers]

That's you, sweetheart.

No way.

Handful.

[belches]

Ah! Well done, Amanda.

Resonant... [sniffs]

Fragrant,

worth every penny.

[sighs] There's a lot of good things about being rich, Bernstein.

But if I had to pick just one,

I think it would be...

the money.

That's the smartest thing you've said

since you told me your favorite thing to eat was food.

Seriously, Bernstein, if you could buy anything in the whole world,

what would it be?

I don't know, an airplane?

A professional basketball team.

A mansion.

[whispers] Say "Cannon."

Cannon.

Great idea! Let's celebrate.

[clears throat loudly]

I declare today money day!

Load me up, Bernstein.

Fire in the hole!

[explosion]

[grunts, coughing]

New idea.

-[coins jingling] -Get in there, money, get haha.

-That should do it. Go. -Yeah.

[both] Money day!

[explosion noise, windows shatter]

[car alarms blaring]

[both] Run away!

[Wyatt] This is awesome! I can see for miles.

Are those Mrs. López's cats?

Go home!

Vámonos! Vámonos! Vámonos!

They're all named Vámonos.

Higher! Toss out some weight.

Okay. [strives]

Money day!

Crash, don't throw out coins.

Didn't we learn our lesson from the cannon?

Right, Bernstein, good save. [grunts]

Gold bars!

[grunting]

[gasps]

[both] Run away!

I like what you've done with the place.

You bought a chandelier?

That's a chandelier?

I thought it was a light piñata.

That's why I bought the diamond-encrusted baseball bat.

Cool!

Stupid, but cool.

[grunts] Yeah.

I finally figured out what was clogging your toilet.

Which one of you is pooping money?

Oh, that's my new toilet paper.

I'm rich now. Mrs. López gave me her money.

-López had money? -[nods]

Had I known I would have invited her to my slow-dancing class.

The singles always have to dance with the teacher dude.

Crash, don't flush money down the toilet.

That's like...

flushing money down the toilet.

This money is filthy.

You got something I can wipe my hands with?

Here.

Have a money tissue.

I'm awful dirty.

-I better take the whole box. -All right.

Ha!

I'm digging this track suit. It feels nice to dress up sometimes.

Why aren't you dressed like a rich guy?

I am. I'm wearing $500 underpants.

Since when do we have a V.I.P. section?

Since now. [snaps fingers]

Excellent.

Hey, out of the V.I.P. Section!

Respect the rope!

Thank you, Pesto.

As a V.I.P.,

I am counting on you to keep the undesirables out.

-That's you. -All right.

Hey, Scottie.

Wow, that is a good fist bump.

Like butter on the knuckles.

How's your campaign going?

I made Scottie for president snowboard decals.

Wow. I didn't think you were gonna run this year.

Aren't you already president of like five clubs?

Actually six.

The Asian honor society asked me to take over.

And of course, I said I said wo jieshou.

Wow! I didn't know you spoke... whatever that was.

Who's that?

Son?

Is it really you?

It is I, your long lost father.

Papa? Can-can it be?

[sobbing] Papa, papa!

Crash, it's just Mr. Poulos.

Butt out, kid, this is a family thing.

Son, you're probably looking for some fatherly advice

on how to invest your new fortune.

I am, I am! Thanks, Pop.

Wait a minute.

[sniffing]

Salted meats?

Pickle water? [sniffs]

Desperation?

Mr. Poulos, it is you!

I admire your spunk. You want in on the posse?

Sounds intriguing. What do I gotta do?

You do whatever I say and I give you money.

-Sign me up. -Great. Raise your right hand.

-[punches] -Oh!

Now you're just being a jerk. Why'd you do that?

Here, have some money.

-[punches] -Oh!

I could get used to this. [laughs]

[grunts]

[horn blares]

Women, forgather!

I come bearing gifts.

Young Cleo, step forward!

I bought you a personal assistant! Spencer!

Here's your hot cocoa with a dash of cinnamon

and two marshmallows, just the way you like it.

I am so excited to be working at... [whispers] Cleo.

I love him!

You have frozen yogurt with heather at 4:00.

Yeah, we're gonna have to push that.

Okay.

Did someone blow the gift horn?

Ah, Amanda.

I bought you 1,000 designer outfits!

One for every day of the year.

-I love you! -[laughs]

Crash, a year has 365 days.

Not anymore.

I bought the calendar company.

Henceforth, Tuesday will be known as Steve.

Do I get anything?

I have something very special for you.

-Ta-da! -Yay, a bouncy house!

No, no, no, actually, that was for me. I bought you a wagon.

-Ta-da! -Yay! I love bouncing!

No, no, it's for m--

Oh, well, I'm sure she'll let me use it.

I'm never letting anyone else in here!

Ever!

Are you sure? How about every other Steve?

Ta-da!

Come on, Bernstein! I just met another rich guy.

We're gonna have a money fight.

I can't go. I have to work on my campaign.

I'm way ahead of you. I made you a campaign commercial.

And it's been airing all day.

TV!

[TV engine noise]

Epic!

[Crash] Wyatt Bernstein is a regular kid like you

who cares about nothing more than shredding and fresh powder.

But his opponent, Scottie Dalton, hates snow.

Do you really want a snowboard club president who hates snow?

So if you want to shred, vote for Bernstein.

Because a vote for Scottie Dalton is a vote for this.

[explosion]

[Crash] I'm Wyatt Bernstein and I approve this message.

I did not approve that message!

Sounded like you.

[sighs] TV, go away!

[chandelier engine sound]

[grunts]

Ah, rich-people problems.

[grunting]

Dude, that commercial was brutal.

[sighs] Crash made the commercial.

Is Scottie mad?

It's hard to tell with him.

[laughing]

[both] Oh yeah, he's mad.

All right. Everyone's here, we should vote.

Hey, Scottie.

Sorry about the commercial.

What commercial?

Oh!

You mean the one where you said I blew up a mountain?

Yeah, that wasn't cool.

It wasn't my idea. Crash made the commercial.

Yeah, but you approved the message.

Okay, snowboarders,

all in favor of Wyatt for president?

Wait, you guys are still voting for me? Even you, Scottie?

Crash paid us.

You let him bribe you?

He gave me a hundred bucks and I've got a lifestyle to maintain.

This doesn't just happen.

Crash, we need to talk.

No need to thank me, Mr. President.

Let's get right to the celebration.

[snaps fingers]

-Whoo-hoo! -[toots horn]

There's nothing to celebrate.

You bought the election. I don't want to win this way.

Okay, I get it. You're upset.

We'll hold the election again and I'll pay everyone to vote for Scottie.

-[snaps fingers] -[toots horn]

You don't get it. Money's not going to fix this.

[snaps fingers]

[toots horn]

I don't want your money.

Okay, okay, I hear you.

I think I finally get it now.

[snaps fingers]

[toots horn]

I'm outta here. This money's turned you into a jerk!

You want out?

Fine! I don't need you anyway.

I've got a whole posse that likes me for me!

No, they don't, Crash.

They're not your friends.

They're only hanging out with you because you give them money.

That is not true.

Don't listen to him, Crash. We're your real friends.

Now, all this floor money, is it up for grabs?

Yeah, sure.

Posse, I'm sad to say we've lost a member in a drive-by.

Bernstein's mother drove by and picked him up.

The good news is we have a replacement.

He'll be known as Bernstein 2.0.

Look at me, I'm a V.I.P.!

My mother always told me

someday I'd gloom onto someone really important.

Can you believe, original Bernstein saying I've changed?

He said you guys were just using me for my money.

That's out of line.

Can I get a couple of hundo for the jukebox?

This place doesn't have a jukebox.

I'll do an Irish step dance for $40.

[hacking]

He's choking.

How much do you think he'll pay for a Heimlich?

I'll do it for $40.

What are you, an idiot?

-It's worth at least 60! -Fifty five!

-[coughs] -I'll do it for 52.

[yelling] All right, already.

Original Bernstein was right,

you guys aren't my real friends.

You're all just in this for the money.

Aren't you?

Come on, be honest.

Uh... Okay, you're right.

[softly] Thank you, Mr. Poulos. I admire your honesty.

[yelling] Now get out!

What? I knew I should have lied.

Posse, shut him!

Sunglasses, turn on my massage chair!

[vibrating]

You! Keep your eye on my money.

No, the other eye!

[laughs]

Mr. Wyatt.

Cleo is unable to make her 2:15 to discuss your smelly socks

being on her side of the room.

Can we reschedule for 3:00?

I'm sorry, I'll be flicking boogers on her bed at 3:00.

-Can she do 3:15? -[inhales sharply]

I'm so sorry, she's stepped away from her desk.

I'll remember this at bonus time.

Yes.

[horn blares]

Gift horn!

All right, everyone.

I have a serious announcement to make.

Join me in the bouncy house.

[Crash grunting] I learned a little lesson this week!

And could you please stop jumping up and down?

-Serious conversation. -[girls laugh]

In retrospect, perhaps

the bouncy house was not the best forum for this.

[Crash grunts]

[girls laugh]

Meeting adjourned.

Bernstein, I'm glad you're here.

This is no longer the gift horn.

It is now the horn of reality.

While everyone else was taking, you were the only one who remembered

that money is not as valuable as friendship.

Really?

Thanks, Crash.

I just didn't like how the money changed you.

I'm glad to have you back.

Wait... you spent it all, didn't you?

Every last cent.

So you're all cut off.

Everything's going back.

-[air hissing] -You stink!

Spencer!

I never liked you.

And you're not handsome.

Ouch.

Turn it back on. Let's bounce.

-Go. -There it is. Yes!

-Go for it. -Oh, yeah!

[grunts]

Crash, I am so glad you bought us a mountain

before you ran out of money.

I don't even care that you bought the election.

This is awesome!

Life's not about material things.

Having all that money taught me some valuable lessons.

Like: money isn't everything,

friends are important

and blowing up mountains is epic.

That's why I'm blowing up this one.

Wait, what did you just say?

Hm, valuable lessons?

No, the other thing.

Oh, that I'm blowing up the mountain.

The mountain we're on right now?

Relax. It doesn't blow up until 12:00.

Uh, guys?

It's 12:00.

You can thank me later!

-[explosion] -[all screaming]

How could you spend all that money?

I left you $20 and a note to watch my cats.

You're right.

It's a mistake anyone could have made.

Mrs. López.

Will you marry me?

This is all so sudden, I--

I don't know what to say.

[surprised] Are you kidding? Say yes!

It's like when Don Pedro proposed to Consuela

after she left the convent.

Remember?

-This was very expensive. -Oh.

But money means nothing to me.

Well, I'm glad money means nothing to you because she's broke!

I spent all the money in her mattress.

The wedding's off! Give me back my ring, you penniless cat lady!

Crash, you took the money from my mattress?

-[nods] -Oh, thank goodness!

I keep my serious money in the couch.

Ah!

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪