Original subtitles

♪ Crash and Bern! ♪

-[both straining and grunting] -I don't want to take a bath!

It's not Friday! What about our deal?

I get to store up six days of stink.

We also had a deal that you wouldn't roll around on the floor of the movie theater.

It's called foraging, Mrs. B.

-[audience laughs] -[straining]

Ooh, I want a lollipop.

-Oh! [grunts] -Jasmine, don't eat that!

Ew, it tastes like Crash.

Gimme that.

-Actually, that looked like fun. -What?

-[screams] -Now into the bath.

[grunts, shouts]

Whoa oh! [grunting]

[panting] No. No!

Please don't let me go into your hot bottomless witch's cauldron.

-[moaning] -Tickle him!

No-no-no. [laughs, screams]

[screaming] It burns!

-It burns! It burn-- -[Jasmine giggles]

Actually, it's quite nice. [humming]

♪♪ [music]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo! I'ma let you finish but ♪

-♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No makeup or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ What he said, Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ ♪ Stein! ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ ♪ STEIN! ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[glass shatters]

[chuckles]

♪♪ [music]

♪ Clean-a him, scrub-a him Make-a him shine ♪

♪ Wash-a foot, smell-a like ♪

[sniffs]

♪ Sweet Clementine ♪

[vocalizing]

[audience laughs]

[sighs]

Hey, Wyatt, any chance we could trade Crash in for something quieter,

like a drum set or...

I don't know, a box of chihuahuas?

[grunts] I gotta admit, Mrs. B.,

I did not want to take that bath,

but your loofah did wonders for my crusty spots.

You're gonna want a new loofah.

[audience laughs]

It's just great to have some "me" time.

I could use some "me" time, too.

You know, between baseball, skateboarding, the Arcade,

I get pretty stressed.

I've got a better idea.

How about I book you some "helping others time"?

No, mom, not the clothing drive.

No more sorting.

There's only so much B.O. a guy can take,

and I am pro B.O.

[audience laughs]

I was thinking of something else for you two.

This new family moved in downstairs,

and they have a boy about your age.

-[sighs] -He's coming over later.

Oh, no, what's wrong with this one?

The last kid mom set me up with wore a cape to school.

That could be cool.

Are we talking superhero cape or Dracula cape?

Worse, magician.

-Yikes. -[audience laughs]

Who used all the bubble bath?

Oh, that'd be me.

It was delicious.

Fruity but fresh, with a hint of soap.

[belches]

[audience laughs]

-[laughs] -Very funny, Crash.

Okay, before our guest arrives, let's get it all out of your system.

All of it? Okay.

-[grunts] -[plops]

-[sighs] -[audience laughs]

[all] Eww!

-Don't worry, I got this. -[all screaming]

-Yeah! -[audience laughs]

All clear.

♪♪ [music]

Hey, don't forget my pits, huh?

-Yeah. -[audience laughs]

Hey, guys.

Just seeing if you're ready for your bro-hang.

I thought today couldn't get any worse,

-and then you said "bro-hang." -Yeah.

I don't know what you guys are calling it these days.

-Dude date? -[grunting]

-Boy party? -Oh!

Ooh, I know. Guy-jinx.

[both groaning]

All right, well, look, just be nice to this kid.

Otherwise, you'll spend your weekend at the clothing drive

on underwear duty.

Oh, how can she take two words as magical as underwear and "doody"

and make them sound bad?

-[audience laughs] -I'm serious, okay?

I know what it's like to try to fit in.

The first day at my new school,

I couldn't even get anybody to talk to me.

[dreamy notes]

Hi, I'm Mel.

Do you know where room 106 is?

Pssh! Your loss!

-[audience laughs] -[laughing]

[laughing] What are we laughing about?

[audience laughs]

Hey, sad little geeky girl.

Hate to say this, but they're laughing at you.

Crash, you weren't at my junior high.

I know. Your story was a snooze fest.

This is way better. I'm hunting aliens.

[grunts] They sometimes pose as gym teachers.

-[grunts, growls] -[audience laughs]

I'm trying to teach you and Wyatt a lesson.

It's hard to be the new kid.

Okay, we get it.

Now let's go waste some aliens. Ooh, gym teacher!

[beeping]

♪♪ [music]

-[doorbell rings three times] -Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell.

[audience laughs]

-[Crash grunts] -[Wyatt strains]

He actually looks normal.

[loudly] Hey, I'm Gerry.

Oh, this place smells like snails.

[audience laughs]

Not the line I would have opened with,

-but hi, I'm Wyatt. -[audience laughs]

Ooh, peanut butter.

I don't do crunchy.

-This is Crash. -Hi.

[chuckles] What kind of name is Crash?

What do you want to be? A traffic reporter?

No. Well, maybe.

-Actually, it's my dream. -[audience laughs]

DVDs, huh?

Obsolete and bad for the earth.

I keep my movies in the cloud.

So? I keep my underwear in the shrubs.

[audience laughs]

Was that a joke?

'Cause I don't do jokes.

[audience laughs]

-[whispers] I don't like him. -[audience laughs]

Neither do I. But don't worry, he'll be gone soon.

Oh, good. Yeah. [grunts]

♪♪ [music]

Oh, man, you gotta love it

when a day-hang turns into a night-hang.

[babbling]

Whoa, your family is big.

How do you all fit in this tiny apartment?

Cramped quarters, compadre.

No wonder the place smells.

[audience laughs]

You're right, Gerry. This apartment is a little crowded.

One of us should leave.

Oh, me! Pick me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Wait...

I didn't tell you that I used to live in Barthelona.

You probably pronounce it Barcelona,

-but you're wrong. -[audience laughs]

You told us, Gerry.

You also told us all your old phone numbers

And how you like to kiss your dog on the lips.

-[groans] -Yeah,

I still wanna hear the dog's side of the story.

Well... I'm gonna have to get going.

-Oh. -[gasps] Ah.

[sighs] In a couple hours.

♪♪ [music]

♪♪ [music]

Ugh, that is so disgusting.

-Then stop catching them in your mouth. -Oh.

Yes! Seven out of ten! [laughs]

Why is he here again? And how did he manage to get weirder?

[audience laughs]

Hey, you guys Have "World of Duty."

I am so Dominant at this.

-[Gerry chuckles] -[Crash grunts]

Whoa, this seating arrangement is whack.

You can totally see my controller.

I can't have you posers cribbing my glitches.

-[audience laughs] -[video game music playing]

♪ Looking for combat ♪

♪ Playing some combat ♪

♪ Taking 'em down, Taking 'em down, taking 'em down! ♪

What are you guys doing? Go back!

Dude, it's just the opening theme song.

I have to sing the song or it's bad luck.

Uh... I don't think our luck could get much worse...

unless you have a twin.

[audience laughs]

Let's just start. Our team is Delta Force.

-Our mission is to neutralize-- -[gunfire]

Gerry, you just took me out.

We're on the same side.

Duh! There are no sides in war.

What? Of course there are.

-War's all about sides. -[gunfire]

Hey, now you took me out.

Wow, you guys stink at this.

-[audience laughs] -[cellphone rings]

It's my mommers. Gotta take this.

Yeah, it's a little loud in here.

So you might want to go into the hallway.

Quack, quack, seat back.

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

-[beeps] -Hello, you've reached the Bernsteins.

We've enrolled in the witness protection program

so please don't try to reach us.

[audience laughs]

We've also exchanged faces with other people,

so don't bother approaching us in the elevator,

-because it won't be us. -[beeps]

-[both yell] -Shh. I'm hiding.

What is wrong with you two?

-Go on, go outside. -No, mom. Gerry could be out there.

[sighs] Would you two knock it off?

He's gotta have some good qualities.

-I mean, is he funny? -[Wyatt denies] Hm-mmm.

-Smart? -No.

Well, surely he has great something.

How's his hair?

-Exceptional. -Like molded caramel.

[audience laughs]

Look, when I was the new kid, it took me a while to find a friend,

but eventually, someone gave me a chance.

[dreamy notes]

So Tommy passes me a note in math class

and asks me to pass it to Theresa.

That means he likes me, right?

Honey...

have you ever thought about finding friends your own age?

[audience laughs]

But they don't understand me like you do.

You're the one who complained about my pizza squares.

[audience laughs]

If you could just make them triangular

like regular slices.

Look... I know middle school can be ruthless.

You can get a bad reputation

for just being seen with the wrong person.

What I'm trying to say here is...

I really can't be seen with you.

[audience laughs]

Mrs. B., you are killing me with these stories!

Please, give a brother a car chase,

a talking penguin, even a peppy song and dance.

Crash, this is my memory,

not some kind of High School Musical.

Now you're talking. Hit it!

♪♪ [jazzy music playing]

♪ Homework Don't wanna do it ♪

♪ Meatloaf Don't wanna serve it ♪

♪ Homework ♪

♪ Meatloaf ♪

♪ Meatloaf ♪

♪ Homework! ♪

Big finish, sister. Yeah!

♪ Hairnet Don't wanna wear it ♪

♪ Toilet paper Don't wanna use it ♪

-[record scratches] -[all] Ewwww!

What? I thought we were sharing.

[audience laughs]

-[dreamy notes] -[doorbell rings three times]

Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell.

That's Gerry!

No, Mrs. B.

[screaming] Nooooo!

[audience laughs]

Oh, hi.

-I'm Gerry's mom, Gretchen. -[Mel chuckles]

Sanitizer. Can't be too careful.

One never knows where one's hands have been.

Oh! So sweet. You shouldn't have.

The flowers are yours.

The vase is $12.

[audience laughs]

Oh, that's funny.

I don't do jokes. I like to keep it real.

[audience laughs]

Tell you what, keep the vase. It's a gift.

-Oh. -You're so good

to take the afternoon shift with Gerry.

Pay her the $12!

[audience laughs]

Who made this?

[gasps] My daughter Jasmine, in kindergarten.

Well, I throw clay professionally

so I have a good eye for spotting when a young artist has "it."

She doesn't have "it."

Wow, there's actually someone worse than Gerry...

Gerry's mom.

Oh, light bulb.

You should come down to my studio,

and I'll show you what good pottery looks like.

Wow, ooh, that's so tempting,

but, darn it, I have the thing.

Hey, mom, guess what. Your thing just called.

It's been canceled.

-Fantastic! -Hey!

Yeah, just think of it as a girl-hang.

A lady-date.

A feminine fiesta.

All right! But I can only stay a minute, so--

Oh, stay as long as you want, mom.

You've earned it.

I'm super intuitive.

I know you're gonna be like the sister I never had.

-[sighs] -Well, I do have one,

but she won't return my calls.

[audience laughs]

[mouths]

-Yeah! -♪♪ [music]

[both] Rock, paper, scissors, go!

Darn it!

Rock, paper, scissors, go!

[grunts] No fair!

You win every time.

Let me give you a hint. I can only do rock.

-[cackling] -[Crash laughing]

Was it horrible?

Every piece of pottery had a name and a story.

This one was canoeing on Lake Pontchartrain

as the summer fades and we turn savage war at home.

[audience laughs]

At least it was a short story.

-That was the name. -[audience laughs]

Wyatt, I am so sorry I forced Gerry on you.

[doorbell rings three times]

[screams]

-[muffled scream] -[thuds]

[gasps] It's both of them.

Okay, everybody...

just keep your mouth shut and try not to breathe.

What are we gonna do, mom? We can't hide back here forever.

If you wanna be a hero, Bernstein, then go ahead,

but don't blow our cover.

[doorbell rings three times]

[Crash whimpers] Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell.

♪ Kick it down on Crash and Bern... ♪

-[Mel gasps] -Are you okay?

You haven't returned any of my texts.

[audience laughs]

They're still on the patio, aren't they?

[sighs] This is ridiculous. We can't even leave our own apartment.

Where's Crash? I sent him out for food two hours ago.

-[Crash shouting and groaning] -Crash!

That was supposed to be open.

Crash, where have you been? I gave you a simple grocery list.

And I improved on it. Look.

Gardening clogs,

a bag of marbles, and a bookcase from the Swedish furniture store.

[grunts] It's called the "gluurg."

-[audience laughs] -[cellphone beeps]

[gasps] Ooh. It's Gretchen.

She's wants us to come over to her pottery studio later

-for a "clay date." -[scoffs] Right, like that'll ever happen.

-I'm telling her we're coming over. -What?

Look, we can't live like this.

They'll never leave us alone unless we put a stop to it.

We're doomed! Our lives are finished!

Finished, I tell you!

Do you think she'll have olives?

Crash, we're not going over there to eat.

We're going over there to stand up for ourselves.

-I can eat standing up. -[sighs]

Look, guys...

there's something else I learned when I was in school.

We believe you, mom. Please don't relive it.

It was three weeks into the sixth grade...

Here we go.

[dreamy notes]

Mind if I--

If I could just--

All right, listen up!

I've been at this school for three weeks

and most of you still don't know me.

But that's your loss, because I'm pretty terrific.

Man, it's tough at this school.

Even the lunch lady didn't wanna hang out with me.

[all laughing]

Oh, you like jokes? This school's rough.

In P.E., when we play dodge ball,

they give me a shirt with a target on it.

[all laughing]

Even art class is dangerous.

Yesterday, I drew blood.

[all laughing]

[screams] Boring!

Come on, Crash, I was killing.

Can't I tell one story without you interrupting?

Then how would you know when to stop talking?

My point is I confronted the problem

and from that point on, people treated me with respect.

[mocks] People treated me with respect. [gasps]

-I'll meet you at the car. -Okay.

[Crash grunts]

-Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! -[cat screeches]

[sighs] Let's go break up with some weirdos.

-[audience laughs] -♪♪ [music]

Welcome! This is where the magic happens.

I know. You said that to me yesterday.

-[audience laughs] -[chime jingling]

Yo, muchacho. That's not a toy.

It's okay. He's a certified wind chime tuner.

-[grunts] Whoa! -[chime breaks]

-This one's bad. -[audience laughs]

Sorry. You probably never want to see us again.

Nonsense, we're family.

Gerry makes the wind chimes.

[whispers] He doesn't have "it," either.

-[audience laughs] -Um... Gretch... en,

sometimes things just don't work out between people.

-It's nobody's fault. -I know what you're getting at.

Wyatt and Gerry aren't a perfect match.

Right. I like crunchy. He likes smooth.

This relationship was doomed from the start. Let's go, mom.

But Gerry's such a good role model for your odd little son.

-Excuse me? -So close.

We can talk about it tomorrow at breakfast.

Even better, let's all take a trip together.

I have an online coupon for a charming sweat lodge.

It has a taxidermy camp...

but not for beginners.

[whispers] Mom, this isn't working.

[whispering] What do you want me to do?

It's like they speak a different language.

Yes, the language of annoying.

Fortunately, I speak it fluently.

-May I? -[audience laughs]

Gerry, Mrs. Gerry...

Relationships are like a beautiful piece of pottery.

They need to be crafted and worked at.

They take time and patience,

and only when you pour your heart and soul into them,

do they become true works of art.

And just like pottery,

relationships can be extremely fragile.

-[strains] -Crash, no!

-[audience laughs] -[straining and grunting]

[Mel screams]

[laughing]

Yes! [laughing]

What is wrong with you people?

-Get out! -[Mel moans]

We never wanna see any of you again!

Yes!

-I told you I spoke their language. -[audience laughs]

We'll pay for the damages.

Face slam!

-[Crash grunts] -[shrieks]

♪♪ [music]

[laughing]

That was epic!

Mom, you have to admit, Crash kind of saved our butts back there.

Good thing, otherwise our butts would be sharing a discount sweat lodge with Gerry.

[audience laughs]

All right, I guess in this one case,

Crash kind of, sort of helped us out... a little bit.

[audience laughs]

Mrs. B.,

you really love me.

This is nice. I'm very intuitive.

You're gonna be like the sister I never had.

Face slam! [grunting]

I don't think so.

-♪♪ [music]

-[video game music playing] -[singing along]

♪ Looking for combat Playing some combat ♪

♪ Taking 'em down Taking 'em down, taking 'em down! ♪

Whoo! [laughs]

[doorbell rings three times]

No, that's not possible. [chuckles]

Maybe I'm hearing things.

Too much combat can do that to a man.

I feel like I'm starting to lose it.

One of the first signs is talking to yourself.

-Oh, you're fine. -Really?

Sure, I would tell you.

Okay, I trust you.

[doorbell rings three times]

[whimpers] No! No-no-no! [laughing maniacally]

-Sucker. -[audience laughs]

[singing along] ♪ Looking for combat Playing some combat ♪

♪ Taking 'em down Taking 'em down ♪

[high-pitched] ♪ Taking 'em down! ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

♪ I said Stein ♪

♪ What he said ♪