Original subtitles

♪♪ [music]

All right. Before we do this, let's get our stories straight.

If anything breaks, it's Amanda's fault.

-Got it. -[audience laughs]

Launch me, Bernstein.

Whoo! [grunting]

It's Amanda's fault.

Whoa, Crash, how far did you go?

Amanda!

That girl is out of control.

Oh, by the way, we gotta get going.

The new roller coaster opens today.

Is that today?

[grunts] Wyatt, I need you to be careful, okay?

School pictures are on Friday,

and I don't want anything damaging that face.

You have nothing to worry about, mom.

-What's this ride called? -The Decapitator.

Wonderful.

Wyatt, every year you somehow manage

to disfigure yourself before picture day.

Remember fourth grade, broken nose.

Fifth grade it was a chipped tooth.

Sixth grade, eye patch.

[growls] Arrgh.

Mrs. B., If I may...

we are dudes, and as dudes,

we are going to get black eyes and stitches.

"If thou art dude, thou mess thy face up."

So it is written in the book...

of Dude Eronomy.

[audience laughs]

I'm just begging you for one good class picture

that I can send to your sweet, loving grandma Rose

So that that woman will get off my last nerve.

[audience laughs]

I'll do my best, but they take the picture after shop class.

They have power tools, so the odds are kind of against me.

Okay, I'm not begging you now, I am threatening you...

If you mess up that picture,

you know that $100 that grandma Rose gives you every year for your birthday?

-[moans] Uh. -I'll make you give it to charity.

You can't do that.

Try me, picture boy.

Ignore her, Bernstein.

As it is written in the Book of Dude Eronomy,

"to thine own Mom, a dude doth not listen-eth."

[Crash groans]

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt-eth?

No, it's fine.

[Crash whimpers]

♪♪ [music]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo! I'ma let you finish but ♪

-♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No makeup or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ What he said, Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ ♪ Stein! ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ ♪ STEIN! ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[glass shatters]

[chuckles]

♪♪ [music]

[Crash chuckles] Oh, yes!

We're finally gonna ride the decapitator.

Did you know it was voted Portland's most dangerous attraction?

It beat out the port-a-potties at the county fair.

[audience laughs]

That sign at the start of this line said it was a three hour wait.

It's been three hours and four minutes!

If you can't manage expectations,

you have no business running an amusement park.

Pesto, I get it.

For one day, could you not be the angry consumer?

[audience laughs]

[groaning]

I'm starting to think that eating that chili cheese dog was not a good idea.

[groans] Or the tuna melt.

Or the smoothie.

Ohh. Or the tuna melt smoothie.

You ate all that so you could deliberately puke on me.

Did you hear what I ate? My puke will be delicious!

[audience laughs]

-Oh, here we go. -Yeah.

Oh, this is the greatest moment of my life.

Hey, Bernstein?

Thanks for bringing me along.

Are you kidding?

-I'd never ride this without you. -[chuckles]

-[Crash grunts] -[audience laughs]

You can't ride. You're too short.

-Huh? -[audience laughs]

Hold on a second.

Ah, it's a good day to be tall.

See you on the other side.

-No. -[Crash grunts]

-Huh? Huh? -[Carol denies] Uh-uh.

-Oh. -Can't you make an exception?

We've been waiting for over three hours to go on this ride.

You can expect a very angry e-mail...

-Carol. -[audience laughs]

You're holding up the line.

Try the teacups.

Fine, but if I don't puke, I want my money back.

Come on, Bernstein.

I'm going on the roller coaster.

What, but you said you'd never go on it without me.

Sorry, I can't hear you!

Close the door, Carol.

♪♪ [music]

Okay, who put a face on my fruit?

[audience laughs]

I did. Isn't it great?

I'm testing my new product line.

Cosmetics by...

-[breathy] Cleo. -[audience laughs]

Cleo, we don't waste food.

This is valuable.

Test it on Amanda.

What? I'm not her guinea pig.

Plus, that peach looks like a Vegas showgirl.

Come on, Amanda.

I want to sell this stuff at school picture day.

Most middle school girls can't leave the house wearing makeup,

so they have to buy it on the streets.

Ka-ching!

[audience laughs]

Cleo? This face doesn't need improving.

-Test it on mom. -Ouch.

♪♪ [music]

I'm sorry you couldn't go on the Decapitator.

It wasn't that great...

unless you like loops and barrel rolls.

-[Crash sighs] -Oh, and here's the best part.

Pesto threw up on himself.

-[laughing] -Ahh!

Yeah, well, the teacup ride was pretty awesome too.

Would have bought a t-shirt like yours,

but... all they had were onesies.

The sad part is... it's a little big on me.

[elevator dings]

Could you do me a favor?

Don't wear that shirt for our class picture.

I'm gonna be standing right next to you,

and I don't want to be reminded of my disappointment.

-Actually, we won't be next to each other. -[Crash grunting]

They line us up by height.

You'll be in the short row with the eight-year-old genius

-and the class gerbil. -[grunts] What?

Why does everyone keep saying I'm short?

Did they raise these buttons? [grunts]

-I'll get it. -Stand aside, Bernstein.

I don't need your pity. I'll take the stairs.

[elevator dings]

I may be height-challenged, but I have my dignity. [groans]

[audience laughs]

Oh well. At least you're the only one who saw this.

This is a great building. You're gonna love renting here.

Ah, nuts.

[Crash grunting]

♪♪ [music]

[audience laughs]

[groans] Morning.

It's the afternoon.

Time is meaningless to me.

Word of warning, so is underwear.

[audience laughs]

-[Crash grunts] -I didn't know you could grow stubble.

I can't. These are chocolate sprinkles.

I glued them on because I want people to know

how depressed I am way down here in short city.

I'm sorry you're bummed.

Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?

Well, since you're offering, there is one tiny thing.

I need a passport, a first class ticket to Bolivia and $50,000.

-[audience laughs] -I was thinking pancakes.

Nah, I don't want to put you out.

I found a doctor online who can make me taller

with experimental shin augmentation surgery.

Reviews only give him one star,

But the word "quack" kept coming up,

which leads me to believe that they were written by ducks.

[audience laughs]

Well, crash, if you want to be taller so badly, I can help.

No need to do anything crazy.

[music]

It's not working. Come on, stretch me, Bernstein!

-I'm trying! -[audience laughs]

-[both straining] -[cloth tearing]

[both grunting]

-Oh, wow. That was a close one. -Oh.

-I almost messed up my face. -Yeah.

We better be careful someone could have got hurt.

♪♪ [music]

I'm a terrible sewer, but I'm all fixed.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Good? This is the best plan ever.

I am 100% sure this is going to work.

There is absolutely no chance of anything going wrong.

-[Crash grunts] -[audience laughs]

-Okay, let's see. -[Wyatt sighs]

All right, your feet are glued down, we're ready for lift off.

-Blast me, bro. -[remote control beeps]

Whoo! Yes, yes!

No, no! [grunts and sighs]

Oh, we failed, Bernstein.

I'm still the same size.

And that rocket fuel seared my undercarriage. Whoo.

[audience laughs]

Crash, you're making too big of a deal about being short.

No. I'm making a small deal about it because I'm short!

And I'll always be short.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'll be in my room being significantly below average in height!

[grunting] Um...

Can you please unglue my feet so I can make a dramatic exit?

-[audience laughs] -Oh. Oh, no.

[metal thud]

♪♪ [music]

Cleo, I am loving this lip gloss you made.

Thanks. Try my lavender facial cream.

[sighs] Okay.

-Oh, I feel it working. [chuckles] -[Cleo giggles]

-It's tingly. -I told you, mom.

This cosmetic line is gonna have all of Portland talking about.

-[breathy] Cleo. -[loud thud]

-[audience laughs] -Whoa.

What, what is it?

[chuckles nervously] Nothing.

I'm just amazed at...

-how good you look. [giggles] -Oh.

[clears throat]

Did you see those guys checking me out?

-[Cleo chuckles] -Hot mama, aisle nine.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

You're a hottie.

Hi.

[mouths words]

♪♪ [music]

Epic dirt clod fight!

Man, those Flannery twins are like professional dirt snipers.

I hate those girls.

-[audience laughs] -♪♪ [dramatic music]

-Whoa. -What's up, shorties?

[audience laughs]

That's right. I'm a ceiling scraper now.

Being tall has given me a whole new perspective on life.

-And the top of your head. -Whoa, Bernstein,

what's that in your hair?

It's gum. The Flannery girls must have put it in their dirt clods.

They've developed gum clods?

Oh, this is bad.

All right, your fridge is working again.

You might be missing some salami.

How's the air down there?

Come on down and find out.

[stammering] Whoa!

[grunts and blubbers]

Oh, man. I'm short again.

I'll never know the joy of blocking someone's view in a movie theater.

I'll never be a runway model!

Nobody feels my pain.

This may surprise you, but I'm short.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

[whispers] I totally noticed.

Being short is the least of your troubles.

You're purple, you have a terrible personality,

and you smell like a goat.

Oh, I love this game.

My turn. Your face looks like a butt.

Okay, you go again.

[audience laughs]

I'm not gonna lie to you.

Being short is no picnic, but it's not the end of the world.

You are looking at the holder of seven--

Count 'em, seven world records. Huh?

That's me with the world's longest beard.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, that's how mine gets after a couple of days. [chuckles]

No, it doesn't.

I also hold the record for most poodles groomed in a day,

and eating the most live worms.

You are awesome.

I had worms once, but they weren't in my mouth.

[audience laughs]

So you're saying I can shave dogs,

eat worms,

and grow freaky beards just like tall people?

You can do anything a beanpole can do.

Stick with me and I'll show you how.

Poulos-style.

You know I also hold the record for running in a sewer pipe?

Really?

♪♪ [music]

Darn.

-[grunts] -That better not be my gum.

[audience laughs]

Relax, Amanda.

No one knows the combination to your gum safe.

I have to get this out before the school picture.

Here, I can help you.

I've always wanted a shot at that melon.

Hey, no. No way! Get that away from me.

Do you even know what you're doing?

Wyatt, I'm not stupid.

I get gum caught in my hair all the time.

-[audience laughs] -[razor buzzing]

Oh, now it kind of looks uneven.

[razor buzzes]

[Wyatt] How do I look?

[audience laughs]

Your friends don't care about looks.

You butchered my hair!

I look like a toilet brush.

Wow, you're being really shallow.

Just put this ski cap on, and don't take it off for three weeks.

But the school picture. Mom's gonna kill me.

-[Mel] Hello?! -Oh, great.

[audience laughs]

Just calm down.

-Hey, kiddos. -Mom?

You look--

Wow.

-[audience laughs] -Thanks.

That cute cashier couldn't stop looking at me.

Mom's still got it.

-[audience laughs] -Is it contagious?

Wyatt, why are you wearing that ratty old hat?

Oh, well... [stammering]

uh, it's the style right now, yeah.

Rats are in.

Oh, uh-huh. Well, come here. Take it off.

-Off-- -Mom, you're purple!

[gasps] Cleo, what did you do to my face?

Wyatt, what did you do to your hair?

Amanda did it!

[audience laughs]

Girls, let me give you a piece of advice.

Don't open a salon.

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

Listen up, Crash. Being short has its advantages.

Oh!

[laughs] Ha ha! That's right.

I'm gonna put this quarter in my jet ski fund.

-[audience laughs] -Yeah.

Mr. Poulos, until this moment

you were just an angry man with a million dollar smile.

But you have earned my respect.

There's other advantages to being short.

Short people make better pilots and race car drivers.

We're also some of the world's most ruthless dictators.

Oh, I always wanted to be a ruthless dictator.

They always get the best seat on the balcony when the parade goes by.

You're missing the point.

-You see this honey? -Yes, dear.

This wouldn't be here if a tiny little bee didn't pollinate a flower.

In fact, bees are responsible for most of our food supply.

Just because something is small doesn't mean it can't do something big.

Yeah, but what about our nemesis, the top shelf?

Stupid top shelf!

Who do you think you are?!

Easy, crazy.

Look, if a bee can feed a whole country,

you and I can get a can off the top shelf.

Observe.

Ha! Lima beans...

Is not what I wanted.

But the surprise is part of the fun.

Give it a try.

You honor me with your wonder stick.

I feel its power.

I will make you proud,

so that one day the pupil will become the master,

and the master who was the pupil

convinces the master who was the original master--

Shut your yap and start shopping!

[audience laughs]

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoa.

Whoo-hoo. Yeah.

♪♪ [music]

[grunting] What's going on?

-I can't see Anything. -Oh, no no.

You're trying to go high. You gotta go low.

Don't fight the height.

[audience laughs]

Sample lady's giving out sausage. Come on!

[audience laughs]

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah! [whooping continues]

Are you done yet?

You look ridiculous.

-Oh. -[audience laughs]

Look, Crash, how tall you are means nothing.

We're all born the way we are,

and we live life the best we can, you know?

You just try to be nice to people.

Back off, beanpole!

We don't need your help.

Hello, doll.

Could you help us with our bags?

[audience laughs]

Five bucks says I get her to buy us some fro-yo.

-Come on. -All right. [laughs]

♪♪ [music]

You know, from a certain angle it looks okay.

You just have to be in a different room.

Hey, mom. What'd the doctor say?

It's just an allergic reaction. It'll be gone in a couple of days.

[sighs] A little boy called me a blueberry.

[laughing]

Children can be so cruel.

[audience laughs]

Oh, so what. I'm purple. Deal with it.

You know, it's what's on the inside that counts.

Don't underestimate the outside.

Works for me.

Wyatt, I got you a better hat for picture day.

Here you go.

You know, grandma's pretty old.

Maybe she'll just think you're Frank Sinatra.

[audience laughs]

Hey, Bernstein, I was thinking about wearing this

for the class picture, what do you think?

-That's all you ever wear. -Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

[audience laughs]

Mrs. B. ...there is something different about you.

Shh. Don't tell me. I want to guess.

Did you get invisible braces?

Did you always have a nose?

Color contacts?

Crash, I'm purple.

[audience laughs]

No, that's not it.

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

Yes.

What's up?

The photographer said I can't wear the hat in the picture.

How do I look?

-Mmm. -[kids laughing]

Like my grandma's cockapoo from behind.

[laughing]

Hey hey, stop laughing at my boy Bernstein.

-Thanks, Crash. -Yeah, he can't help it

if his head looks like a puppy's booty.

[kids laughing]

-Seriously? -Hey, stick with me.

I'm getting to the inspiring part.

We've all got something about us that makes us feel small or insignificant.

I am short.

That kid has lopsided ears.

This guy's forehead should be called a five-head.

And I'm not even sure if that's a boy or a girl.

Who cares?

You go, girl... or dude.

The point is: We can all do great things.

Take the bees. Sure they're tiny, but they're awesome.

They build grocery stores.

[audience laughs]

That might not be exactly right.

But they have something to do with food.

Here, see for yourself.

-[grunts] Ha-ha. -[bees buzzing]

Huh?

[audience laughs]

Everybody remain calm.

[screaming]

They're just trying to pollinate you.

♪♪ [music]

[screaming] Aah!

I can't believe we didn't get our picture taken.

My aunt Betty got up early to come over and do my hair.

What are you complaining about?

Crash's bee attack made them evacuate the school.

No need to thank me.

The look of terror on all those adorable faces was thanks enough.

-[panting] -[audience laughs]

Are we there yet?

The Dutch Oven was only funny the first time.

-Shh. -[audience laughs]

Oh.

[humming]

Good day, young lady.

A fine day for roller coastering.

-Do I know you? -That depends,

do you know a young Matthew McConaughey?

People say I look like him because of my rock hard abs.

Go ahead. Punch me in the stomach.

[Mr. Poulos] No! [groans]

-Wow. Your abs are as hard as a face. -Thank you.

-Hey, Bernstein, we're doing it! -Yeah.

-High-five. -Yeah. Whoa!

-[Crash grunts] -[audience laughs]

[moaning]

-Run! -[all yelling]

[laughing] Oh.

This ride is awesome!

♪♪ [music]

Wasn't I right, guys?

Isn't that the best roller coaster you've ever been on?

That's actually the first roller coaster I've ever been on.

I guess they have a height requirement for a reason.

The Decapitator is awesome!

Totally lived up to its name.

Too bad they had to shut it down though.

At least we can say we were the last people to ride the Decapitator.

-[scoffs] -High-five.

-Huh-oh! -[audience laughs]

Oh, quick. Three-second rule. Someone pick me up!

-[audience laughs] -♪♪ [music]

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

♪ I said Stein ♪

♪ What he said ♪