Original subtitles

♪ Crash and Bern! ♪

[all cheering]

[deep voice] Happy birthday, Jasmine.

I hope you're all in a good moo-ooo-ood.

[chuckles]

[all clapping and cheering]

Performing for you is an udder delight.

Oh.

[shouts] And I'm gonna milk it for all it's worth!

-[bored] Oh! -[clapping]

This is awful.

I know real cows who are funnier than this.

I've done algebra homework funnier than this.

Sorry, Jasmine. Puppets are weak.

[yells] You're weak!

Oh, nice comeback, weak...

person.

[mad] Zip it. Or else I'll have the girls use you as a piñata.

[ironic] Ooh, like I'm afraid of girls.

[thriller music]

Okay, okay, I'll zip it!

-[zipper sound] -[grunts]

As mayor of Mooville,

I declare today milkshake day!

[mumbles]

-[zipper sound] -[grunts]

Thank you. Thank you.

I had something I really needed to say.

[shouts] Boo!

Look, everyone!

It's the star of our show!

The beautiful Lola.

Oh, great.

Here comes another dumb thing.

[harp music playing]

I mean, seriously!

-How many of these do we have to-- -Shh!

Can she be any more perfect?

If I'm bothering you, you just let me kno--

Whoa!

[gasps] Unrivaled beauty

and she owns her own weapons?

Ooh! Crash likey. [sighs]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Uh, my mom asked me to give you this check.

She added a little extra. I think it's for you to hire a writer.

You mind if I take some of these cookies home?

-Oh, help yourself. -Okay.

But I think my mom wants to keep the plate.

Oh, it's already in the bag.

[groans]

[to himself] I am Crash.

I am Crash.

I'm Crash.

Hi, can I help you with something?

Oh, I'm waiting for Lola. Is this where the actors come out?

Don't worry, I'm not a weirdo.

No offense.

Yeah, but Lola won't be coming out.

The big stars never do.

[agrees] Can you give her these please?

-[hesitates] -You should also mention

that I'm madly in love with her,

and even though we've never met,

I would totally let her drink out of my juice cup without wiping it off.

I don't see you writing any of this down.

Oh, I got it. Telling me is as good as telling Lola.

Okay. [chuckles]

Oh, and remember to tell her that I'm not a weirdo

and that I got all of her telepathic messages.

Oh.

My phone number's in with with flowers,

so have her call me and we can discuss it over dinner.

And my treat. And let her know I'm a big spender.

Oh?

Oh!

Yeah, I will tell her.

Good. Oh, and tell her my name is Crash.

[shouting] It rhymes with rash!

Maybe don't tell her that part!

She's going to love what I got her!

You're never gonna guess what it is.

-Roller skates? -No, I--

-How did you guess? -It's what you got me when I turned six.

[excited] Oh, maybe Jasmine can break her arm too.

Roller skates!

What's next?

That one's from me.

A magic kit! What's next?

I'm sorry you don't like your presents, honey.

I love Lizzie Dillon's.

She got me a video camera!

[both sputter] Lizzie Dillon.

[shouting] Listen up, females!

I'm expecting a call,

so this is the last time I'm gonna tell you.

[emphatically] Stay off the phone!

-We're not on the phone. -And you never told us that.

I don't like to repeat myself.

So for the final time, stay off the phone.

I repeat. Don't make me repeat myself.

Stay off the phone.

Oh, yeah. Happy birthday, tiny one.

Crash did not forget you.

I wrote you a poem.

[clears throat]

Roses are red,

violets are blue...

[shouts] Stay off the phone!

All right, Crash. Are you ready to--

Why did you write "lol" in spray cheese?

It said "Lola."

But I got hungry and licked off the "a."

Come on. Check out these ropes I got for rock climbing this weekend.

Ohh. Bernstein, I don't know if I'm gonna be able

to make it this weekend.

Lola might call.

Got to be in the zone when my lady's on the phone,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Not at all.

Because Lola’s a puppet.

I don't care about her politics, Bernstein.

She's not real.

Everybody says showbiz people aren't real.

But I saw the look in her eye when she bludgeoned that cow.

You can't fake that.

And since she's an artist,

I researched the most romantic thing that artists ever did

that was also violent and disgusting.

[grunts]

Meet Vincent Van Something-or-other.

He ripped off his ear.

[grunts]

[straining]

[screaming]

[exhaling]

I

hate

art.

Sweetheart,

we need to have a serious talk.

Now before we do, I know you're gonna get upset.

So here. [grunts]

This is rocky road.

It's my favorite.

Which is appropriate, because you used to be too.

I think you might know where this is going

and I must say I'm amazed at how calm you're being.

Tissue?

No? Mind if I? Mm, thank you.

Oh, oh. This is harder than I thought.

[blows nose]

Never break up with a girl during allergy season.

Oh, don't give me that look.

You know the look I'm talking about.

There!

That one!

[shouts] You did it again!

Okay. [chuckling] I admit it.

[crying] There's somebody else!

Oh. Oh, there, there, there. Ice cream makes it better.

Whoa, boy. Princess glitter did not take that well.

She started crying, throwing things.

She even wrote a breakup song about me.

Wait. We're talking about the same princess glitter, right?

Plastic face, polyester hair, dead eyes?

You're making me re-think my decision.

No, no, I'm a man of my word, and I promised myself to Lola.

Okay, Crash. I need you to see something.

Here's a picture of Lola from Jasmine's party.

[slight gasp] Didn't think angels showed up on film.

What do you think that is?

[Crash] So?

-She's got a tail. -It's a guy's arm!

[surprised] Oh! Now I get it.

Finally!

-You're in love with Lola too. -[groans]

Well, I'm not gonna fight you over her.

I'll just wait until you're asleep then I'll toss you under a fruit truck.

-I'm not in love with her. -[telephone rings]

[gasps] Oh, it's probably her now. How do I look?

That's not her!

She can't speak and she definitely can't use a phone.

Hello?

Oh, it's for you.

Go for Crash-man.

[excited] Why, hello, Lola!

Why, yes. I would love to meet you at the arcade.

[slowly] Lola.

It's Lola.

You look so beautiful tonight.

[high-pitched] You look great too. I really like that shirt.

Oh, good. You'll be seeing it a lot.

But I have to be honest,

I really wish you didn't bring that guy with you.

-Oh, him? -Yeah.

I don't know who he is.

Beat it, loser!

Is he gone?

Uh, no.

-Want me to handle this? -Oh, you know what?

I'm hungry.

Let's order an extra-large order of hot wings. [chuckles]

[normal voice] Extra-hot.

Do you want something to drink with that?

Hey, the lady was ordering.

He can wait his turn.

And you have to sit so close, buddy?

You know there is such a thing as personal space!

So, Lola.

-Mm-hmm. -Tell me everything.

Favorite color,

birthday.

What's your stance on monkeys?

Frankly, I think they're overrated.

[high-pitched] Can I get a large smoothie too?

-Hmm? -[shouting] Whatever the lady wants!

So, you were saying?

Oh, I'm boring.

Let's just talk about you.

I wanna hear about you.

Ah, what's to tell?

I was raised on the wrong side of the tracks.

-Had a couple of brushes with the law. -[Lola agrees]

But that's all behind me.

Unless a buddy calls me to pull one last bank job,

-and promises we do not get caught... -Stunning.

But until then,

I'm all about making my baby happy.

-Oh. -Come here, baby.

[smooching]

So, who do I give this to?

To the lady, of course.

This will reflect on your tip.

Oh, oh! Too spicy! [coughs]

Oh, here, you take them.

Hey, I wanted those.

Really? Because, um, I was really loving talking to you.

But, uh...

I just can't stand a man with chicken breath.

Ah. Well.

So like I was saying, I think you're great.

Especially how you beat that... cow.

[hesitates]

You okay? You got quiet.

I was just thinking about how cute you are.

[giggles]

[belches]

Can you get any more wonderful?

Jasmine,

check out these trick finger cuffs.

Bet you can't get out of them.

I'm gonna make 'em good and tight.

-Okay, now let's read the instruc-- -Ta-da!

I'm getting my money back.

These things are way too easy.

I can't believe it. I wouldn't even--

I'm stuck.

There's my little skater girl!

I dug out my old wheels to show you how the derby girls used to roll.

Whoo!

What's up?

Okay. Moving on!

[stopper scuffs, sounding like flatulence]

[both laughing]

All right. Lesson one, sweetheart.

This is how you stop.

-Okay, very important. -[stopper scuffs]

-Like that. -[girls laughing]

-You just gotta drag it. -[scuffing continues]

What's so funny?

Nothing, Mom.

Can you show us how to stop again?

[both giggling]

[exhales deeply]

[grunting]

-Crash, you're climbing me. -[panting]

I know, hold still.

I wanna use your eye socket as a toe-hold, come here.

[grunts]

Ah!

This is epic.

Aren't you glad you came?

[scoffs ] You kidding?

I got blisters on my hands

and rope burns on my thighs.

Best day ever!

Oh, let's go higher.

-Crash, you're gonna get tangled. -No, I'm not. [grunts]

Bernstein, little help?

Oh!

[grunts] Ouch!

Oh, sorry. Let me try this one.

[grunts]

-[chuckles] Why you kicking yourself? -Oh.

-Why you kicking yourself? -Uh! Come on, Bernstein!

This is not cool.

All right, I'll stop.

Or if you want me to do more, just raise your hand.

Oh, yeah, like I'm real-- No, no, no, no, no!

Oh!

Good one, Bernstein.

Showtime!

[Crash grunting]

Hey! Come on! [grunts]

All right, I'm good.

[Crash panting]

[cellphone pings]

Oh, it's Lola.

She wants to go see that Captain Intrepid movie.

Wait, you and I were gonna go see that.

[cellphone pings]

Oh. Lola says hi.

And she doesn't want me hanging out with you anymore.

Wait, so you're just gonna ditch me for some puppet?

No time to talk. M'lady awaits.

[grunts] Whoo!

[shouting] I've never felt so alive!

-Oh, no. -[loud thud]

Ta-da!

Oh, you got the finger cuffs off.

-How'd you do it? -Magic.

I called a locksmith and he magically charged your credit card.

[Jasmine laughs]

What's so funny?

Cleo eating cereal.

Hey, I didn't know you were filming that.

Wait, how long did you film for?

[Jasmine] About that long.

[Mel chuckles]

I have another video. It's even funnier.

[stopper scuffs, sounding like flatulence]

[scuffs continues]

"Roller Skarting Mom."

What's skarting?

People online made it up.

Oh-ho, I get it!

It's a combination of skating and...

[stopper scuffs]

[girls laughing]

Very clever.

Well, laugh all you want.

But "Roller Skarting Mom" got 25,000 hits,

and "Cereal Face Kid" only got 9,000.

Yup. You win, Mom.

More people are laughing at you than me.

Yes! Ha!

Oh.

Well, I'm just glad that our gifts brought Jasmine some fun.

And now the fun is over.

I'm deleting those videos.

[chuckles] Thanks, Mom.

Like I don't back up my files.

Uh, can I get your phone number?

-No. -Oh.

You're creepy.

Huh. Fine.

I'll just track you down on the internet. [clicks tongue]

Well...

-I thought I'd find you here. -Oh!

What's your deal?

You're taking advantage of Crash.

I don't wanna see him get hurt.

If you're after money, he doesn't have any.

And if you're trying to mess with his mind,

[sighs] he doesn't have one of those either.

You're just using him for hot wings and--

Hey, that's my skateboard.

[high-pitched] It was a gift for our one-day anniversary.

Okay. [shouts] That's it!

What? [grunts] Help! Help!

Let go of me, you brute!

[shouts] Bernstein!

Hello, handsome.

I'll handle this, sweetheart.

Crash, I'm just trying to protect you.

I don't wanna see you get hurt by some stupid thing

on a guy's hand.

[gasps] [gutturally] You take that back.

Fine. We'll do this the hard way.

Say what you will about Bernstein.

Sure knows how to make a dramatic exit.

[mocking] "All right, I'll do this the hard way."

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Classic.

-I missed you. -I missed you.

Order me some hot wings. I wanna talk.

And see if you can get the counter girl's phone number.

I love when you ask me for weird things.

-That is so hot. [laughing] -[laughs]

[deep voice] Lola, darling.

Who's that?

I'm Lola’s husband.

Has she not mentioned me?

I've never seen him before in my life.

Then how would I know that she likes Extra-hot hot wings

and violent action movies?

He does seem to know a lot about you.

Every girl likes those things.

I'm so confused. I-- I don't wanna share you with another man.

Especially one as good-looking as him.

That's not a man.

You friend has a sock on his hand.

[normal voice] Hey, lady, leave me out of this.

Sir, please accept my apology.

I assure you, I was always a gentleman.

Good-bye, Lola.

No, Crash! Please don't leave.

At least not until you've paid for the wings.

I'd do anything for you, Crash.

Then I guess you'd be willing to whack that creepy guy with your club.

Whoa, that seems a bit extreme.

But it would prove your love.

Seriously?

I could make you a card.

Nah, I think I'll go with the club-smacking.

Okay.

[Lola sighs] Looks like this is really happening.

Okay. [clears throat]

[grunts]

Oh, stop, man! Stop stop! It hurts.

Ohh.

You're barely hitting him.

Yeah, I'm not feeling the love.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder!

Harder. Harder.

Here, Lola.

Use this.

Oh.

I...

I--I--I...

I... I don't... [normal voice] need this anymore.

No, I-- I went to puppet college to make my father happy.

This is not the life I wanted. I wanted to play football.

-[Crash gasps] -Well, you know what?

I quit! [laughing]

[high-pitched] You'll be back.

[normal voice] How would you know about it?

You're a lousy football player.

[yells] I've tried. I had heart!

[yells] No, you didn't!

What do you--! What is happening to me?

Okay, this-- [sighs] Okay.

Excuse me.

[muttering]

You were right all along, Bernstein.

She was never real.

It's okay, Crash.

Come on.

I feel so stupid.

I will not make that mistake again.

Glad to hear it, buddy.

Oh, you're still here? I mean this as a compliment, but...

-you smell like my buddy Bernstein's feet. -[deep voice] I get that a lot.

Yeah, I bet.

[sighs] I've done some serious thinking.

And the only thing that makes sense is us being together.

I know what I said before. But that other girl means nothing to me.

[sighs]

No, I did not get dumped!

I knew you'd make me pay for this.

With you there always has to be a bad guy.

Oh! That's the silent treatment.

Well.

Two can play that game.

[zipping sound]

[mumbling]

[mumbling continues]

[zipping sound]

So... you and me...

Are we back together?

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪