Original subtitles

♪♪ [music]

Yes. Yes-- Yes!

Touchdown! Headcrusher scores!

[chanting] Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

-Oh yeah. Oh yeah. -[Crash chuckling]

Oh ye--

Crash, what are you doing?

I thought we were having a "Stupidest Dance" contest.

-You are good. -[audience laughs]

Can't talk. I'm playing online football.

21-nothing, Hammer.

Maybe you should start to put some points up on the bo--

Oh, he just scored.

[audience laughs]

What are you doing?

I'm writing a presentation on great women overachievers

and the idiot men who got in their way.

Ooh!

-Can I be in it? -You already are.

[grunts]

Whee! [groaning]

-[cellphone chimes] -Yeah, Jennifer, he's annoying.

His name's Crash.

-[cellphone chimes] -[laughing] I know, right?

-[cellphone chimes] -You guys are talking about me?

Because my name is Crash. And I'm annoying.

[audience laughs]

[Crash screams and grunts]

How are you people more interested in machines than playing with me?

Crash, you can play with me.

-[audience laughs] -So, uh...

-How's this thing works? -You draw stuff.

These knobs make the line move, and to erase it, just shake.

[rattles]

Why does it have to be so complicated? [sobbing]

Wyatt, your thing's having a meltdown.

[Crash sobs]

[blows nose loudly]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo! I'ma let you finish but ♪

-♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No makeup or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ What he said, Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ ♪ Stein! ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ ♪ STEIN! ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[glass shatters]

[chuckles]

♪ Hey hey hey, come on! ♪

Okay, it's time you learn about [emphatically] technology.

[slowly] Technology.

Good. Okay.

So let's start with what you know.

Can the computer make waffles?

Can it catch ghosts?

Can it make yogurt taste less like snot?

That last one's a must.

[audience laughs]

No. There's a site that makes body noises.

-[loud belch] -[gasps]

We need to tell the world about this machine!

If only there was a way to communicate with billions of people all at once.

Like a world...

wide... web.

[audience laughs]

Okay, slow your roll, Crash.

-Let's take this one burp at a time. -[loud belch]

-What's this one do? -[loud fart]

-[laughing] -I believe we have a winner!

-[quieter fart] -[Wyatt laughing]

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

["Chopsticks" played in farts and burps]

[both laughing]

See? I told you The computer was awesome.

You are so right, my friend.

I pledge the remainder of my days to learning everything there is to know

[gutturally] about this miracle machine.

[normal voice] Oh, hey Bernstein, plug me in.

[audience laughs]

Is it on?

I don't feel any smarter.

-[audience laughs] -♪♪ [music]

♪ Yeah! ♪

"Access denied"?

I don't think so, NASA. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

What are you doing?

Oh, I spent the last 17 minutes getting my online degree

in computerology and advanced thinkerism.

Hey! You rearranged the letters on my keyboard.

They were all out of order.

Now I'm optimizing your hard drive.

Here we go. Let's see... Uh.

Well, this setting's wrong.

This setting is double-wrong. [scoffs]

This one isn't even a setting.

-Oops. -[audience laughs]

-Okay, let's optimize your monitor-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Go back to "oops." -Look, this is very technical.

You wouldn't understand.

-[keys clacking] -You deleted my presentation!

Oh, so you are "tech-savvy."

Then you'll appreciate that I also freed up lots of disk space...

by getting rid of all that useless music.

[audience laughs]

And 4,000 pictures.

What? I wasn't in any of them.

[record scratching] ♪ Yeah! ♪

No, no, no. [laughing] Oh! Oh! Oh!

-[video game noises] -[screaming and maniacal laughter]

No-no-no-no! Yes-yes! [laughing]

Whoa whoa!

Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, whoa! [maniacal laughter]

Hey! What's that game you're playing?

This is no game.

This is an epic battle for survival on a cruel planet

filled with merciless beasts!

Sounds intense. What's it called?

"The Magical World of Sparkles the Wonderhorse."

[high-pitched chime]

Yeah, be careful of Gumdrop Cove.

Why?! What unspeakable horrors happen in Gumdrop Cove?!

You gotta tell me!

[Mr. Poulos scatting]

Headcrusher logging in.

[game device rings]

Ho ho! Ooh.

The Hammer is on.

So, Headcrusher...

are you ready for the second half?

I hope you're wearing your virtual cup.

Aw, man, he scored.

Touchdown!

Is it time for the Hammer dance?

It is time for the Hammer dance!

♪ Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! ♪

♪ Uh-huh uh-huh ♪

♪ Do the Hammer! Do the Hammer! ♪

Who is this guy? He's like a football genius.

He must have played in the N.F.L.

♪ Uh-huh uh-huh ♪

♪ Do the Hammer! Do the Hammer! Uh-huh--♪

-Oh. -[audience laughs]

No way! You're the Hammer?

[chuckles] What gave it away?

-The dance? -[audience laughs]

♪♪ [transition music]

[Crash] Hmm. Mmm...

So, you're the Headcrusher.

Finally I can put a face to the butt I've been kicking.

[laughing] Butt face! Get it?!

'Cause of your face and your butt and the--

[audience laughs]

All right, come on. Let's start playing.

I'm up by a touchdown and about to make history.

What do you know about history?

You weren't even born then.

-Returning the kick. -[wind whistling]

He's at the 30! He's at the 20!

[emphatically] He could go all the--

[power outage]

What?! My screen froze.

Nah, no excuses.

[laughs] Oh, mine too.

I can't get Jennifer's text.

I hope she's okay.

[both exhale]

The internet's down.

Now I'll never be able to finish my project.

Sparkles! Are you there?!

Neigh if you can hear me!

[audience laughs]

[screaming] Nooo!

[sobbing]

Sparkles!

Sparkles.

♪♪ [music]

♪♪ [music]

[grunting] Come on back, internet!

You were always so good to me.

Don't leave me here with these people! [grunting]

Crash! [exhales]

The computer is not the internet.

[mimics Yoda] Ooh, philosophical the sassy one gets.

[audience laughs]

The computer is just a device.

You're just a device.

The internet is... out there!

It is?

Hang on, internet!

I'll save you! [grunts]

-Whoo! -[audience laughs]

-Whoo! -[wind whistling]

I'm-- I'm in the internet!

-Whoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo! -[audience laughs]

Yeah, it's not just our building.

Some big communications tower went down in the storm.

We're gonna be without phone and internet for awhile.

Well, isn't that convenient?

-[Crash] Whoo! -What, you think I did this?

Like I control the internet.

Who do you think I am? Mark Zucker-majig?

I just think it's interesting

that everything went down just as I was about to beat you.

-[Crash] Oh! -Like when we lost power

during our karaoke party.

What your mother does to Abba should be illegal!

[audience laughs]

Listen, you need to calm down.

Why can't you be more like your sister and her friend?

[Crash] Oh!

-[audience laughs] -[Crash] Ooh, leaves!

They're not calm.

They just don't know how to speak to each other without texting.

-[audience laughs] -[Crash] Whoo-Hoo!

Wyatt, that's ridiculous.

Jennifer and I are best friends.

We talk all the time.

-Right? -[high-pitched] Totally, we're bffs.

Wait. Is that really how your voice sounds?

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

[yelling]

Who wants to come to my tea party?

-Do you have internet? -Are you kidding me?

I don't even have real tea.

[audience laughs]

Jasmine, you're too young to understand,

but something really bad just happened.

Is the building on fire?!

I wish. My phone stopped working.

This is horrible.

I just wanna go home, but I can't find it without my G.P.S.!

-[audience laughs] -[deep sigh]

Listen to me, townspeople!

If we're going to survive, we must work together!

All but one of us will eat tonight.

The other will be our dinner.

[audience laughs]

Crash, we have a refrigerator full of food.

[loud belch] Not anymore.

[audience laughs]

Now who we saute tonight has yet to be determined.

But, Amanda, you would do us all a favor

if you rolled around in bread crumbs.

Crash, get out of my face.

Hey! Hey, come back here, young lady!

You need to marinate! Get back here, you!

-Quit following me. -You quit following you.

-[all yelling] -Now come on, look, we gotta eat somehow!

[indistinct yells]

All right, everybody, take it easy. Take it easy!

-[yelling stops] -[audience laughs]

I didn't have any cellphones

or video games growing up, and look at me.

You heard the man!

We have to act quick or we're gonna end up like Mr. Poulos!

-[Crash grunts] -[audience laughs]

All right, I don't need a bored bunch of turkeys creating mayhem,

so I brought some books up from the basement.

That's a basement?

I thought it was a really bad museum.

Although, I did enjoy the gift shop.

-[audience laughs] -Here...

this is a book for you and your friend.

It's called "The Art of Conversation."

It's the secret to my charm!

Okay so, "How was your day?"

-It's been a catastrophic fail. -[chuckling]

I'm sorry, I can't get over her voice.

And, Cleo... these are encyclopedias.

You can use them to finish your project.

It's like the internet, but in book form.

[audience laughs]

So how do I do a search?

You turn the stinkin' pages!

-Oh, wait. -[wind rattling]

I hear something on the porch.

-I can hunt down dinner. Gah! -Pretty sure it's the wind, doofus.

The amateur might fall for that.

But to a mountain man like myself,

it's clearly the call of the flying dodo shark.

They're nearly extinct.

This could be the last one alive.

-I'll go kill it! -[audience laughs]

[Crash grunting]

[wind blowing]

Good news! I got food!

[audience laughs]

Nice going, Crash.

You hunted down Mrs. Mandola's underwear.

Here, You're the weakest. You eat first.

-[screaming] -[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

♪ Crash and Bern! ♪

Okay, it says here to talk about things we like.

I like... coloring my hair.

-Oh, me too. -I like cupcakes.

-Who doesn't? -[Jennifer chuckles]

I like math.

You mean with the numbers?

[audience laughs]

Yeah, it's kinda fun.

-Whatever. -[audience laughs]

Let's try something else.

Do you like any guys?

-I like Dylan Dilorenzo. [chuckles] -[chuckles]

Right, you mean as a friend.

No. We're more than friends.

No, you're not.

We totally are.

That's impossible, because he's my boyfriend.

-No, he's not. He's my boyfriend. -[scoffs]

No way! I'm calling him.

[grunts] Stupid storm!

What do you wanna tell him?

I can pass it along when I see him later.

I'll pass your message along when I see Dylan.

Over my dead body!

I'll bring Dylan to the funeral. He really likes me in black.

[both muttering]

♪♪ [music]

I could beat you with my granny's thumbs.

Although to be fair, my granny thumb wrestled in the Olympics for Bulgaria.

I'm not afraid of your granny thumbs.

-A loser says "what?" -Huh?

-You're supposed to say "what?" -[screams] Ha!

-Loser! Ha ha! -[audience laughs]

[both yelling]

[Crash screams]

[grunts] Bernstein, help! I'm under attack. [spits]

That little purple monkey just ripped up my presentation!

I told you,

I needed kindling to boil water for my Amanda stew.

-[audience laughs] -[Cleo sighs]

[both screaming] Ow ow ow ow.

[all yelling]

All right! All right!

Everybody, knock it off!

Losing the internet is not the end of the world.

-You're all acting like animals. -That is not true.

Mmm mmm.

We're gonna settle our differences the old-fashioned way.

[gasps]

Freestyle rap-off?

[rapping] ♪ Oh, I'm a purple little dude ♪

♪ And I like to sing The ladies like my rhymes ♪

-♪ And they love the bling-- ♪ -No!

♪ When I shake my booty They think I'm cu-- ♪

-No... -[mimics record scratching]

I think what Mr. Poulos is suggesting,

and correct me if I'm wrong,

is a game of living room football.

It is the way of my people.

-I'm from Canton. -[audience laughs]

I'm not playing football.

You get to knock your friend on her butt.

Bring it on.

Fine, bring it on!

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -I already said "yeah"!

Seriously, is that her real voice?

♪♪ [music]

♪♪ [music]

[Mr. Poulos grunting]

[Crash] The autumn wind blows a bitter breeze through a storied rivalry.

A young, slightly pigeon-toed quarterback

faces off against the man several times his age

and oozing a faint smell of dry wall and failure.

[audience laughs]

While three pathetic girls stare awestruck

at a man-- No, a god

known simply as Crash.

Let's do this.

Game on!

-[both grunt] -[audience laughs]

Whoo! Sack dance!

♪ Oh yeah, sack dance ♪

♪ Mmm mmm, I got him! ♪

-Oh, yeah. -We haven't even started yet.

It's obvious I need to go over some ground rules.

No head slaps.

-No noogies. -Whoa!

-No wet willies. -[high-pitched giggling]

-And above all, no purple nurples. -Too late!

Already got 'em. Ew.

[Crash chuckles]

All right, everyone. Line up, let's play.

♪♪ [football music]

Blue 34, blue 34!

Red 19, set--

♪ Oh say can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light--♪

Play ball!

Touchdown! Yeah!

-Yeah! -[Jennifer] Go team!

-Face slam! -[both] Oh, yeah!

High five!

Hey, hey, hey, that's cheating!

Hey, you never said anything about faking out the other team

by singing the national anthem.

-Yeah. -Oh, you wanna play dirty, huh?

Well, I know dirty. You forget, I went to plumbing college.

All right, line up!

♪♪ [dramatic music]

-Prepare to be road kill. -Pshh,

like some girl's gonna beat me.

Oh, I forgot, I'm a helpless girl.

-Hut hut! -[Crash grunts]

I'm open! I'm open!

Yeah, touchdown!

[audience laughs]

-[Crash groaning] -[music ends]

-♪♪ [dramatic music] -Hut!

[all gasp]

[all] Ooh.

Hut hut!

-Hello? Oh, it's for you. -Hello--

[audience laughs]

[all yelling]

Mine-mine-mine, mine-mine-mine!

Mine-mine-mine!

♪ Push 'em back, Push 'em back ♪

♪ Way back! Uh, ungawa ♪

♪ Crash has got the power! Saying, "chin-a-lin ♪

♪ Crash is gonna win!" ♪

-Yay! [laughing] -[audience laughs]

This is the worst halftime show ever.

Whoo whoo! Whoo whoo!

[Crash screaming] Field goal!

[both cheering]

Whoo! Yeah!

♪ Mmm mmm. Mmm mmm mmm, yeah! ♪

Hut hut!

[all yelling]

[silence]

[audience laughs]

-[Cleo] Ow! Ow! Stop! -[Crash laughing]

[yelling, grunting]

Ahh!

[gurgling and smacking lips] Hmm?

[Crash grunting]

-Knock it off! -[Crash gasps]

Okay, we're tied with five seconds left.

We score here, we win.

If we win, I finally get revenge on the Hammer.

And you guys...

get to watch me get revenge on the Hammer.

Okay, on three!

One, two, three!

[all] Break!

[exhales] I have to admit it.

You're not so bad for a girl.

Thanks. You're not that good for a boy.

[growling]

-Blue 34, blue 34! -♪♪ [dramatic music]

Red 19! Set--

-Wait, is that my phone? -[music ends]

Jasmine, what are you doing?

-Checking your e-mail. -We have internet?

It's been on for a half an hour.

You should have been at my tea party.

It's all we talked about.

[audience laughs]

It works! We have internet!

We're going to live! [chortles]

I told you you'd survive without all your Whatchamajiggies.

Yeah, this was fun.

-Who wants to keep playing? -[gasps] Totally!

Right after I catch up on my texts.

No, come on. Let's keep playing.

Although, I probably should go finish my presentation.

Oh, I wonder how Sparkles the Wonderhorse is doing.

Sparkles! Let's ride off together into the sunset!

It's Dylan!

He says he's been thinking about me all day.

Dylan says he's been thinking of me all day.

That punk! Here.

[anticipatory music]

Let's give him something to think about.

To heck with that! Let's kick him between the uprights!

[audience laughs]

Looks like it's just you and me. Time to finish this... like men.

Mano a mano.

Two athletes in their prime on the field of battle.

-Game on! -Yeah!

[audience laughs]

-[whistle blows] -[cheering]

What's your mom got in the way of snacks?

[audience laughs]

[high-pitched] ♪ Be aggressive! ♪

♪ B-e aggressive! ♪

[grunts and groans]

That might have been a little too aggressive. [groans]

[audience laughs]

Is this where the try-outs are?

You know, I was yell captain in plumbing college.

-[high-pitched] Ready? -Okay!

♪ Your team is whoo Down the drain ♪

♪ Whoo whoo Down the drain ♪

♪ Glug glug glug glug Glug glug glug glug ♪

♪ Whoo, down the drain ♪

♪ Glug glug Down the drain! ♪

-Ha! -[audience laughs]

[grunts] Hey!

[silence]

-[audience laughs] -[Crash screaming]

[Mr. Poulos] Sorry.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

♪ I said Stein ♪

♪ What he said ♪