Original subtitles

♪♪ [music]

[rock music playing]

This is awesome.

We're like the fast and the furriest.

[audience laughs]

Speed bump!

-Whoa! [laughing] -[Wyatt chuckles]

Wow. Those bumps really are worth speeding up for.

Yeah.

So, where'd you get this car, anyways?

Pure luck.

Found a parking lot with a sign that said "use cars."

So I decided to use this one.

Wait, you mean you stole this car?!

How could I mean that if I don't even know what it means?

You took the car and it didn't belong to you.

Oh, is that what that means?

Yup. Then I stole it.

We're riding in a hot car?!

Yes, we are.

That's how I get the ladies.

Isn't that right, Princess Glitter?

She cannot take her eyes off me.

Crash, we have to take this car back.

But first...

-cruise by the school. -Yeah.

[audience laughs]

[rock music continues]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo! I'ma let you finish but ♪

-♪ Ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No makeup or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ What he said, Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern-- ♪ ♪ Stein! ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪ ♪ STEIN! ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern ♪ -♪ Stein! ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[glass shatters]

[chuckles]

♪♪ [music]

I did not expect that car dealer to be so calm,

especially with a name like Crazy Larry.

And who knew they would give away such great sandwiches?

I didn't see any sandwiches.

Oh, they were in the break room fridge.

They call this one "Kevin's, do not eat."

[audience laughs]

Crash, I think you just stole someone's lunch.

[scoffs] How could it be stealing? It's not even a car.

Stealing is taking anything that's not yours.

Oh, then we might have a problem.

[Crash grunts and screams]

[audience laughs]

[grunts] Ow.

No way. You stole all this stuff?

Now that I know what that word means, yes.

[audience laughs]

Where'd you get this traffic light?

-[tires squealing] -[cars crashing]

[audience laughs]

-Outside. -[audience laughs]

-What about this other stuff? -Oh, the usual places...

toy store, maternity ward,

-mayor's office. -[Wyatt] Wait.

This is mine.

Mine, yours, yours, mine.

What is "mine" really?

This. This is mine.

It has my name on it.

[audience laughs]

So, it has my boogers on it.

-Okay, you can keep it. -[audience laughs]

[sighs] Crash, this is bad.

If we get caught with all this stuff, we're dead.

Well then, it's a good thing I stole this.

I know it doesn't have your name on it, but...

we can always drape your booger shirt over it.

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

Hey, Amanda. You like what you see?

Like it? I can't take my eyes off of it.

Really? I've dreamt of this moment my whole life.

I've already started writing our vows.

[audience laughs]

"A recipe for marriage: Mix two cups of love

-and a teaspoon of understanding." -Not you.

[audience laughs]

I'm talking about that phone.

And a pinch of disappointment.

That'll be 8,000 tickets.

-I might be a little short. -How short?

About 8,000 tickets.

How about you come back with 6,000 tickets

and you let me take a picture with you?

Wow, Pesto, you're really showing some backbone.

I don't like it.

[audience laughs]

Hey, Pesto.

Give me a pair of wax lips and a fake tattoo.

I'm trying to get into a PG-13 movie.

All right. But I should warn you they're a rip-off.

We get those really cheap, so our profit margin is super high.

You sound so professional.

Go on.

Why don't you go with the butterfly purse?

Is it mature?

It's way more mature than our caterpillar purse.

[audience laughs]

Wow. I love it.

-Does it make me look 13? -Hmm.

Maybe with the lips.

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

[Wyatt] Headphones?

A box of rings?

A DVD player!

[audience laughs]

A cotton candy machine? Epic!

-[Crash laughs] Yeah. -No

-No, we have to take it back. -All of it?

Even the stuff I took from the Arcade?

You stole from Pesto's prize counter?

Please. They're asking 900 tickets for a Whoopee cushion.

Who's stealing from who here?

[audience laughs]

The Arcade is tough on shoplifters.

You know that kid at school with nine fingers?

He stole from the Arcade.

[gasps] They cut off his finger?!

-Nah, he was just born that way. -Oh.

[audience laughs]

I'm just telling you, he stole some stuff and they called the police.

Thanks for the warning, Bernstein.

I can't be stuck in a prison cell.

You know I need a toilet with a door. [shudders]

[audience laughs]

We have to get the stuff back without Pesto seeing us.

-This calls for a reverse heist. -No time, Bernstein.

We should just sneak into the Arcade and put stuff back that I stole.

That is a reverse heist.

Oh, good idea.

Glad I thought of it.

♪♪ [music]

-Okay, here's the plan. -Okay.

-We sneak past Pesto... -Uh-huh.

...break the make-a-shot game,

then when he goes to fix it, we put the loot back and disappear.

Can you speak up? I've got a lot of wax in my ear.

[grunting]

-[sighs and chuckles] -[audience laughs]

I stole that from a crafts fair.

Whoo. Oh, that reminds me. I got you a dream catcher.

-[grunting] -[audience laughs]

-Oh, that's not my dream. -Oh. Oh well.

[humming]

Shh.

-[clatters] -Oh!

Who did that?

[audience laughs]

Crash?

Blech!

Who keeps used tissues?

Yuck. [groans]

Come on, come on, Come on.

[whispers] Go, go, go, go.

It's already broken.

Wow, we work fast.

Okay, it's time for plan pee.

Uh, you mean plan "b"?

No, plan pee--

Pesto's got a weak bladder.

♪♪ [music]

Hey, Pesto, I brought you a lemonade,

but I couldn't remember...

do you like the red cup...

or the blue cup?

Doesn't this make you feel like you need to do something, Pesto?

Oh yeah. I gotta go to the stock room.

We're running low on cups.

Crash, are you ready to go?

Yeah, I gotta go bad. Give me the empty cup.

Not now.

Put that stuff back that you took.

Be careful. That big frog's a video camera.

Right.

Whoa. You are captivating.

Okay, here's the deal--

I'm gonna kiss you,

but if you turn into a prince, I'll deny it ever happened.

[audience laughs]

-He's coming back. -Hmm? Oh.

Hey, pesto. [chuckles nervously]

Something doesn't look right.

[audience laughs]

Uh, hey! Hey, buddy!

You can't walk out wearing those bowling shoes!

What? Not on my watch!

Crash, now.

[grunts]

[audience laughs]

Bernstein, I learned my lesson.

I'll never steal again.

[grunts]

-Crash? -What?

We're just going to a movie. I'll have her back by 11:00 p.m.

♪♪ [music]

♪ Kick it down on Crash and Bern ♪

[humming]

Hey, handsome.

Want to help the needy?

Sorry, I didn't hear anything past "handsome."

[chuckles] Well, I'm accepting donations for the less fortunate.

You know, it could be money or jewelry, household items, or...

jewelry or money.

[grunts] I might have a few things.

-What's in it for me? -Karma.

No thanks. Karma gets stuck in my teeth.

Karma's a wonderful thing.

It's the idea that if you do good,

good will come back to you.

Ooh! Like when you eat really good Chili,

and it comes back up later and you get to taste it again?

-Kind of.

I like you. You're good people.

-I'm Crash. -Doris.

Is there something you'd like to donate?

Other than Chili.

Oh, I might have some stuff.

[grunts and chuckles]

Wow!

Oh, that'll help a lot of people.

It'll get you a bunch of good karma.

Oh wait. I also have a dream catcher.

-[grunts] Okay. Okay. -[shudders]

Nobody's that needy.

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

Hey, Bernstein, check this out.

[grunts]

What'd you do that for?

Relax, nothing bad can happen to me.

I got karma.

I gave back all the stuff I took.

-Even the cotton candy machine?! -Yeah.

What were you thinking?!

We haven't even had any-- I mean...

I'm proud of you.

That was the right decision.

Yeah. I gave it all to some old lady for charity.

-Hmm. -Now I can do whatever bad stuff I want.

Karma!

-Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma! -[audience laughs]

[Crash laughing]

-Oh! H-Hey! Ha-ha-ha~ -[laughing continues]

We get it. You like swords.

[knocking on door]

Wyatt's in his bedroom

and the weird purple thing is in the kitchen.

Thanks. But first I have a counter offer.

I'll get you that phone for 3,000 tickets

and you have to be my date for the seventh grade dance.

Fifty tickets, no dance,

but I will unblock your texts.

Oh! I want to say yes so bad.

Hey, Pesto, I made something for you.

Business cards!

Nice. "Vice president of operations and prize tickets."

I'm gonna text my mom and ask her for a raise.

-[beeps] -She said no.

[audience laughs]

Pesto, could you give us a minute? I want to talk behind your back.

-[audience laughs] -Sure.

-You know, I miss you already. -Get out.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm just giving him a thank-you gift.

Why?

Do you have a crush on him?

What?

A crush? That's nuts.

We have a business relationship.

Aww, it's my little sister's first crush.

That's so sweet.

And now it's over.

I don't need you messing up my phone negotiation.

You only use Pesto for gifts.

I'm thinking about the big picture.

I'm gonna be very successful

and I need a trophy husband.

Just stay away from him.

-That's ridiculous. -What do you think they're arguing about?

Step aside. I speak girl.

Let's see.

[girl voice] Um, I like chocolate.

[girl voice 2] Um, I like chocolate more than you like chocolate.

[girl voice] Um, like, I'm older than you.

So, like, I invented chocolate.

-[silly giggling girl voice] -[silly giggling girl voice 2]

[giggling continues]

-♪♪ [music] -[doorbell rings]

[grunts] Oh, hello, officers. Come on in.

Mind if we ask you a few questions?

Questions? Of course not. I love questions.

Like, what's this for?

-[audience laughs] -Give me that.

-[radio spherics] -Attention all units!

There's an 827 in progress at the corner of Rose and Fifth!

Look, pal.

We saw you donating some items to a woman at the Arcade.

All right! Enough of the third degree!

I'll talk! I know why you're here!

So, you know about Doris and her fake charities?

How she sells the stuff that people donate

and pockets the cash?

Huh? [sighs] That's a relief.

For a second I thought you were here to arrest me for all that stuff I stole.

[audience laughs]

Eh... Is it too late to lawyer up?

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

♪♪ [music]

We're not gonna arrest you.

The list of stuff you stole will help us with our investigation.

And you're clearly not a criminal mastermind.

[audience laughs]

Well, I'm glad I'm off the hook.

I've already got a bad record.

It's called "Luigi's Accordion Band Plays Slash Metal."

Yuck.

Lucky for you, we need to bust Doris.

Ooh, I've always wanted to go undercover.

How about I wear a wire and take her down?

No. We do not want you to go undercover,

and we definitely don't want you wearing a wire.

♪♪ [music]

They told me definitely want me to go undercover

and they highly suggest that I wear a wire.

[audience laughs]

Really? And those were real police?

Sure. They gave me these.

Cool.

I've always wanted to go undercover.

Whoa whoa whoa, Bernstein.

This isn't something you just volunteer for.

I am a highly-trained law enforcement professional.

-[handcuffs click] -Oh, shoot.

[grunts]

Hey, uh, can you help me out here?

[audience laughs]

♪♪ [music]

Hey, Pesto. I need to talk to you.

-Okay. -[Cleo hushes] Shh.

[audience laughs]

Don't make this harder than it has to be.

I've run a cost-benefit analysis on our relationship and...

the numbers just don't add up.

What numbers?

It's not you. It's me.

What does that mean? My mom tells me that all the time.

[audience laughs]

It's just business. You understand.

No. No. I completely don't understand!

These are great disguises, Bernstein.

Yeah, who would suspect a grandfather and his grandson?

Is that what we are?

I thought we were a really old bowling instructor

and his child lawyer.

Okay, so what's the plan?

We catch Doris on tape selling stolen stuff

and let the cops bust her?

Yep. That's the plan the cops and I came up with

when you weren't in the room to hear otherwise.

-Okay. -Let's go.

Oh, do you have anything to donate to the needy today?

No, but I might be interested in buying a skateboard

for my grandson.

Oh.

Look, pops,

you give me 25 bucks and I can hook you up with a new deck.

Sold.

Now hold on a minute, Sonny.

That seems like a lot of money for a skateboard.

[audience laughs]

When I was a kid, you could get a shoe shine,

a cup of Joe, and a skateboard for a nickel!

Just pay the lady.

Hey, I'll even throw in this hat to sweeten the deal.

Now that's a bargain.

[audience laughs]

[clears throat] Doris,

I am now paying you $25 for a skateboard and hat.

Why are you talking so loudly?

-[stammering] -And how do you know my name?

Oh, a wire, huh?

Mission compromised. We need back-up!

This isn't connected to anything.

It's not even a real wire. It's a lamp cord.

How will the police hear?

The police really aren't involved.

But we don't need them. We're busting a crooked old lady.

We're gonna get a buttload of karma.

Oh yeah?

Well, first you're gonna get a faceload of fist!

[gasps] Quick, Bernstein, hit her before she gets away!

I'm not gonna punch a woman.

Oh, you're a gentleman, huh?

You make me sick.

[Crash grunts]

[blubbers and screams] Aah!

[grunting]

[screaming] Ooh!

-[blubbering and grunting] -[Doris grunting]

[laughing and grunting]

[Crash straining]

-[Doris gasps] -[audience laughs]

[Crash and Doris groaning and grunting]

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!

[laughing]

[Crash laughing]

[Crash grunting]

-[Crash] Whoa! Oh! -[beeping]

You are pure evil.

-It's on. -Ohh.

[both grunting]

[grunts]

Whoa. I did not think that was gonna work.

[murmurs]

Hey, you need to wear a vest to go in there.

-What? -Safety first.

-[grunts] -Have fun!

Hey, come on, guys, the old lady's new,

but you know the rules.

[audience laughs]

-Thank you. -[audience laughs]

Hey, where'd she go?

[screams] Whoa-ho-ho-ho! [grunting]

[Doris and Wyatt grunting]

[Crash grunting]

I'll save you, Bernstein!

[straining] Whoa!

-Uh... -[Wyatt] She went that way.

Oh!

[audience laughs]

She's getting away!

No she's not, Bernstein. Launch me.

Whoa!

-Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! -[grunts]

[audience laughs]

-[Crash blubbers] -[Doris grunts]

You have the right to remain silent.

[both laughing]

-Yeah. -Yeah, now that's what I call karma.

-High-five. -Face slam! [grunts]

[laughing]

♪♪ [music]

[laughs] Wow, what a fight.

We risked our lives and brought down a wanted criminal

with our bare hands.

Wait till everyone at school hears about it.

Yeah. We really beat the dust out of that old lady.

-[laughing] -Okay, but when we tell the story,

let's leave out the part of it being an old lady.

I'm proud of you for giving back all the stuff you swiped.

Yeah.

Some day, you'll be able to buy whatever you want.

You just have to start making your own money.

[scoffs] Way ahead of you, Bernstein.

I'm making money as we speak.

[Crash, humming]

[Crash laughing]

"In Crash we trust"?

On the other side is my butt.

-[laughing] -[audience laughs]

Wow.

[rock music playing]

I love the wind whipping through my fleece!

It makes me feel alive.

You know what I'm talking about, right, baby?

[audience laughs]

Ah, you don't have to say anything.

Just sit there and look pretty.

Speed bump!

Whoa! [laughing]

No! Princess Glitter!

[screaming] Noooo!

-Oh well. -[audience laughs]

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

♪ I said Stein ♪

♪ What he said ♪