Original subtitles

[grunts]

Waxing your snowboard?

-Can I help? -Sure.

The snowboard club is going on a trip next weekend,

but my mom thinks I'm not responsible enough.

That's ridiculous, Bernstein.

You're the most responsible guy I know.

-Who wants cookies? -Cookies?

[Crash] Save one for me-eeee!

[thuds]

He's okay. He landed on his head.

So have you thought any more about my snowboard trip?

Look, I appreciate your argument

that you are a very responsible 12-year-old,

but that's like being the best-smelling orangutan.

What I'm saying is the bar is low.

That was awesome!

Again, again, again, again, again!

Whoa.

-And then there's Crash. -[laughs]

I'm going in to work, so Amanda's in charge.

Help her out.

And if I get a good report, we'll see about the trip.

-Thanks, Mom. -Oh and, Crash?

-Don't. -Don't what?

Anything you think would be fun.

-Hey, Bernstein? -Yeah?

Would it be fun if we dropped a water balloon on your mom?

-No! -Oh goody!

Then we can do it. [laughs]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Hey, Wyatt, where do we keep our recipe for water balloons?

I'm in charge now.

Fun time is over.

[sighs] You know,

when you walk into a room, it's just kind of assumed.

The good news is you don't have to stay.

Your mom thought it was really unfair

that you always got stuck babysitting us,

so she left Wyatt and me in charge.

Yeah, right.

How can you not trust this face?

Why don't you go call a friend and have some girl time?

You know, paint your toenails, exchange recipes,

have a scratch fight.

Wow, you really understand girls.

I watch a lot of telenovelas .

[mimicking women's voices] Yo quiero a don Pedro.

Eres una mentirosa.

Don Pedro es mi esposo.

[gasps]

Imposible!

Don Pedro es mi esposo.

Puerca!

[mimics slapping, gasps]

I'm gonna go to the arcade.

Stay away from Don Pedro!

He is a player!

Now that I'm in charge, I can get to work on my bucket list.

"Red bucket,

blue bucket,

green bucket,

bucket with flowers on it."

Oh, I'll never accomplish all this!

Wait, I've got a better idea.

Ah, whoo! Hoo! Hoo!

[laughs]

Whoo, whoo!

[laughs]

Oh, Crash, you do not want to be swimming in that toilet.

Pfft, it's better than swimming in a public pool.

Do you know what kids do in there?

Yeah, the exact same thing that we do in there!

Pfft, relax, Bernstein.

Didn't you hear? We're in charge now.

What?

Yeah, I told Amanda she could go

so you can prove to your mom that you are responsible.

-Isn't that a great plan? -No!

It's probably the worst plan I've ever even heard of.

But what's done is done, so I'm in.

Yep. How about a courtesy flush, huh?

-Sure. -Whoo! Hoo! Hoo!

[laughs]

[sighs]

♪ Hey hey hey, come on ♪

-Uppercut, jab jab! -[game sounds]

-[knocks] -It's Mr. Poulos.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Hello, Jasmine.

-Can I see your mom? -[game bell rings]

Oh great! I just lost the heavyweight belt.

[Poulos shouts]

Hello, Mrs. Bernstein?

Oh, hey, Cleo.

I need to get out on your patio, check the air-conditioner vent.

You want to go through our apartment?

I was going to scale the side of the building,

but my superhero tights are at the dry-cleaners.

-Don't picture that! -I already did.

By the way, one of your toilets flushed about a dozen times.

Your job makes you keep track of how often toilets get flushed?

Yes. So let this be a lesson to you.

Stay in school, kid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this?

[bubbling]

It's not going to explode, is it?

It'll explode onto the fashion scene,

if that's what you mean.

It's not.

I'm developing my signature scent.

It has top notes of strawberry and bergamot,

[sniffs] With a hint of mystery.

The mystery is my mom's perfume.

It's kinda nice, actually.

Reminds me of my Nana.

[sneezing]

Unfortunately I was allergic to my Nana.

"Come give Nana a hug!"

"Get away from me, you walking ragweed!"

-[keys jingle] -I love that woman.

[lock clicks]

There we go.

Aww. Forgot my gloves.

I just had a manicure.

That stays between us.

[toilet flushes]

Again with the flushing!

You're abusing the privilege!

In some countries you just get a hole.

[humming]

Exfoliating: Check.

[Crash grunting]

Oh, no, I'm stuck.

Oh, well, I always wanted to live by the water.

[knocks]

[gasps]

Dah!

What'd I tell you about putting foreign objects in the toilet?

Foreign? Check my tag, pal, I am made in the U.S.A.!

Ooh, and my eyes are a choking hazard.

So are my hands. Get out of there.

[both grunting]

He's stuck.

All right, I can handle this.

Hold your breath.

This thing has been some places.

[pops]

Get off, get off!

-[pops] -Ah! Ha ha!

-[water sprays] -Aw, come on!

[laughs]

Where's Amanda?

There's a rule in this building that kids be supervised by someone 16 or older.

I'm calling your mom.

Wait, wait, wait,

Amanda went to get us lunch.

All right, that sounds reasonable.

Should we have her bring something back for you?

Crash!

I'll take a salami on rye.

-What are you doing? -Oh right, my bad.

You want dessert with that?

Yeah, some kind of tart would be nice.

Math is easier when you make it about something that really matters.

Like eye shadow.

You have 10 shades here.

If I take away one, what percentage do you have left?

Here's a clue: It starts with a nine...

ty percent?

That was the answer.

[phone rings]

This better be good, Wyatt, I'm tutoring.

You've got to come home. I need your help.

-Mr. Poulos is on to us. -I can't.

I'm helping Crystal with her math and she's not very bright.

Oh, not you, a different Crystal.

Ooh, I just remembered, Wrestle Madness is on.

-Yes, sir! -[bell rings]

Wrestling is so fake.

I can't hear you!

[shouts] I said it's fake!

[blasts]

Noise fight!

[rock music blasting]

[whirring]

Bernstein, more noise!

I got your back.

[laughs]

Jasmine, it's two against one! Help!

[screaming]

We need reinforcements!

This just got real.

I went downstairs and got Petey and his pipes!

This is an original piece I like to call "Rainbows"!

-Knock off the racket! -[noise stops]

Where's Amanda?

I'm not getting that sandwich, am I?

How about a song?

[mimicking bagpipes]

[screams]

That's it.

I'm calling your mom.

-I'm calling your mom! -[beeps]

Hello, Mrs. Poulos?

Your son is being very annoying.

Wait a minute.

No one has to call anyone's mom, especially mine.

But the rule is we need someone over 16, right?

-Well, Petey's 25. -And a half.

That numbskull is not a responsible adult!

I don't like your labels, man.

All right, you got me on a technicality.

But until your mom comes home, I'll be watching you

with this here, Wi-Fi camera thing-a-ma-jig.

Okay, I'm going to the arcade to get Amanda.

Find something safe and quiet to do with Jasmine.

Oh, want to learn how to juggle?

Jasmine, go gas up my chainsaws.

Or we could play hide and seek.

Jasmine, hide and seek is boring.

I have a whole bagpipe rock opera

about the loch Ness monster.

Hide and seek it is.

Amanda, Amanda, listen to me--

Hey, you didn't tell me your friend was a rodeo clown.

Thank you for your service. What you do is really important.

If you're here to get me to come home,

it's not happening. I'm not bailing you out.

All right, but when Mom finds out you left,

you'll get grounded.

And if you're grounded you'll miss Zach's party or Shane's party

-or Anayat's party. -[gasps]

And if you miss one of those, do you know how many parties

you'll get invited to after that?

Zero.

[laughs]

There's the camera I was telling you about.

Only Mr. Poulos is watching.

Maybe he knows people.

Have you seen Jasmine?

You lost Jasmine?

No, we are playing hide and seek.

She's really good.

We haven't seen her in half an hour.

Cleo, how could you let this happen?

What? You expect me to control the purple menace and bilbo bagpipe?

That's what we should name our band!

No.

Mom is going to kill me.

Plus Jasmine's the least-annoying sister!

[Jasmine] Thanks, Wyatt!

Jasmine?

How did you get in there?

Crash put me in here.

Um, that is only partly true.

Yes, I put her in the open vent on the patio.

And yes, I told her to crawl inside.

But after that it's a mystery.

Crash, what made you think it was a good idea

to put Jasmine in the air-conditioning vent?

Actually, that's a funny story.

Turns out she's too big for the garbage chute.

All right, Jas, just crawl back to where you got inside.

I can't.

I'm lost.

Um, this might not be the best time,

but who's paying me for babysitting?

Petey, go home.

[sighs] Bye.

Okay, I still have an outside shot

at going on that snowboard trip.

Amanda, keep Jasmine calm while we figure this out.

How are you doing, Jasmine?

You don't have to go to the bathroom, do you?

I didn't. But I do now.

I have the answer to our problem.

Mr. Poulos left these blueprints out on the patio.

Oh great.

So when we break into the bank,

Wyatt, you take care of the alarm.

Cleo, you grab the money.

I will drive the getaway car.

But so help me, if you are not out in 60 seconds,

I will be a dust cloud!

Crash, these are the plans for the building's ventilation system.

Oh, um, then we may have to change the plan.

Okay, here's our apartment.

So Jasmine should be right here.

That looks like a straight path from her to our bathroom.

Yeah, but the vent in there is locked and impossible to bust open.

I saw Mr. Poulos unlock the outside vent. He'll have a key to this one.

And there's only one way to get it.

[dings]

[southern accent] Ah, pardon me, sir, I am a Southern millionaire

and I'm interested in purchasing this building.

May I please borrow your keys so I may inspect the premises?

[southern accent]

Well, why, why, why, why, of course.

Where are my manners?

Perhaps you'd like to step into my parlor

for some sweet tea and some rhubarb pie?

Why, that sounds delightful.

-Get out of here! -Oh, hoo, hoo, hoo.

Poulos is craftier than I thought.

Time for plan B, we just need to convince your mom

that we don't really need Jasmine.

No one gets left behind on my watch!

We are going in to get her.

Crash, prepare to go airborne.

X-ray, bravo, foxtrot.

What is your exact location?

Um... the living room.

All right, forward three clicks.

No, no, no, okay. Now left.

No, did I say left? I meant down.

Now up. No, no, my up.

Not your up, my up!

-[grunts] -[dings]

All right, Bernstein, I'm going in and I'm going in hot!

Two, please.

[sniffs]

Is that you or did it smell when you came in here?

Blech, ugh.

-♪ I was in fifth heaven... ♪ -[elevator dings]

[gasps] Oh...

That was the longest two floors of my life.

They should call it the "smellevator."

[shouts]

Butt crack at 12:00.

Butt crack at 12:00.

Oh, be glad you're not here, Bernstein.

There are some things a man's not meant to see.

Just grab the keys and get out.

Got 'em.

Ha ha, yeah!

Yeah-- whoop whoop.

[grunts] Whoa!

Purple hawk down!

Repeat, purple hawk down!

Where's my jar?

[shouting]

-[dings] -Come on!

No, not the smellevator!

I'll talk! I'll talk!

Yeah, let's take the stairs.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, you found Crash.

We were wondering where he was.

Well, thanks for returning him. See you, Mr. Poulos.

Not so fast, girly.

There's some shenanigans going on around here.

Somebody better start talking or the purple guy gets it.

Ooh, what do I get, a surprise?

Oh, please let it be a labradoodle!

We were just playing hide-and-seek.

Who said that?

[both] Um, uh...

Oh, Mr. Poulos, I'm glad you're here.

I'm pretty sure I took that allergic part out of my signature scent.

[sneezing]

Ha ha.

Still too much Nana?

-[grunts] -Here you go.

-[sneezes] -Whoa.

-[clangs] -[shouts]

Hang on, Jasmine, I'm coming for you.

[growls] I didn't bring my jar!

[shouting]

-Are you okay? -[muffled]

Where'd you come from?

I wish I had your job.

You get to go in the air conditioning any time you want.

It's really fun in there!

You guys let her go in the ventilation?

You're in big trouble. Now I'm really calling your mother!

Go right ahead. You also might want to explain to her

that you're the one who left the grate on the patio open

so Jasmine could get inside.

Well... [stammers]

Hey, everybody.

Mr. Poulos, what are you doing here?

Is anything wrong?

Yes, Mr. Poulos, is anything wrong?

What could be wrong?

I love my life.

Everything turned out exactly as I hoped.

Mr. Poulos smells nice.

That's unusual.

Thanks, Mom. I'm calling it...

[whispers] Cleo for men.

Well, everything still seems to be standing.

Amanda, I really appreciate you giving up your Saturday to babysit.

What about me, Mom? Can I go on that snowboard trip?

Well, that all depends.

How'd Wyatt do? Was he helpful?

I guess he was all right.

You'll get rid of us for three whole days.

He was great! It's like I wasn't even here.

-Okay, he can go. -Yes!

Wait a minute-- did you say "us"?

Crash is going?

I am? I'd better go pack.

Well, all packed.

On an unrelated note, there's a flood in the bathroom.

Crash!

[southern accent] I declare

I do enjoy a warm breeze

and a cool beverage on a summer's Eve.

[southern accent] I concur, my good man.

Oh, and please try some of my rhubarb pie.

I believe I've found the perfect balance

between Rhu and Barb.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Dip me in batter and cover me in gravy.

[southern accent] Evening, gentlemen.

Would y'all object to some feminine company?

[normal voice] Um, Mel,

this is-- this is kind of our thing.

Well, fine.

Then give me my pie back.

-[Crash stammers] -You're no fun at all.

[southern accent] It is so hard to find good help these days.

[southern accent] I do reckon.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪