Original subtitles

[grunting]

This is hockey?

We've been playing for 15 minutes and not one fight!

[punching noises]

Oh! Oh! Oh, I've got a cramp in my goluklike.

What's a goluklike?

That's what a goal look like.

All right, you asked for it.

I'm going into beast mode.

You will not distract me.

Oh. Hey, Amanda.

Oh please, I'm not falling for that one.

-Hey, Pesto. -Amanda!

-Goal! -Stop it!

Not you, Amanda. You just stand there and make my heart happy.

You know what would make my heart happy?

-Some tokens. -What's in it for me?

For a 20, I'll make eye contact.

-At school? -No.

-Deal. -[door opens]

[in Australian accent] Nice hair, especially for a hockey player.

-[giggles] -And all your teeth, too!

Hey, buddy! That eye contact is gonna cost ya.

-[scoffs] -My name's Trey. How you doing tonight?

I'm tonight, Amanda, okay.

And how am I tonight doing?

Want a milkshake?

Oh, is that the game where you dance and milk a cow?

That's a thing?

Let's do that instead.

Oh, dude, that stings.

Come on down. Let's hug it out.

[grunts]

Ha ha! Goal!

Goal, goal, goal, goal!

Goalie, goalie, go--

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

[Wyatt mimics static] Base to leader 1,

you've got eyes on those rice puffs, Roger?

-[both mimic static] -Copy that.

But who invited Roger? That guy owes me money.

-Reload! -[Wyatt] I'm on it.

Breakfast!

[chomping]

What are you doing?

Uh, protecting the free world from rice puffs.

[in Italian accent] So, this is the wise guy

that wants to date my daughter.

I'm not your daughter.

Hey, you better take care of my little girl,

or I'm gonna take care of you!

Hey, Wyatt! Come on over here and meet your future brother-in-law, huh?

Bada bing. [snorts, spits]

Sorry, that was supposed to be pretend spit.

You're so embarrassing.

[knocking on door]

I followed them on their date.

He had a hot dog with ketchup. She had one with mustard.

I had the last little bits of their hot dogs.

I was hiding in the trash.

Look, Pesto, if you keep stalking Amanda,

you'll have no chance with her.

On the other hand, if you back off and play it cool,

you'll also have no chance.

Thanks, man!

Hey, Amanda, I'm having a pool party this Saturday. You should come.

I'll ask my mom, but I'm sure she'll be cool with it.

-Can I bring anything? -Don't go to too much trouble.

Maybe just some homemade fat-free, gluten-free carrot ginger muffins?

No trouble at all.

[whispering] What's a gluten?

See you at school tomorrow. Cheers.

He even winks with an accent.

Wohoo! Pool party on Saturday! I didn't catch what time, though.

This is gonna be epic!

Going to a high school party at 12 years old--

we'll be legend!

Can you ask Trey to go easy on the chlorine?

You guys aren't invited.

You can't fit in at a high school party.

Oh, we are going.

Here's the plan--

I pretend to be a pool boy.

-Bernstein, you'll be my assistant. -What about me?

You'll be that fish that sucks the scum off the side of the pool.

So... I'm in!

Guys, we're not gonna sneak in. We have to get invited.

We've gotta show Trey that we can be cool.

We should copy his accent.

It makes everything sound better.

[in Australian accent] I have fungus on my feet.

Would you like to taste it?

[normal voice] Yeah, you're right!

I definitely wanna taste your foot fungus, Bernstein,

but I know a better way to get us invited to that pool party.

-We have to bulk up. -So we should work-out?

Pssh! There's no time for working out!

I know what you're thinking--

"Crash, how am I gonna turn my scrawny little arms

into rock-hard muscle?"

Well, it's as easy as sitting on your butt and drinking Crash's mega-muscle shakes.

But don't take my word for it.

Listen to some of our satisfied customers.

[deep voice] Uh, I used to be small, weak and insignificant...

-Like Pesto! -Hey!

[high-pitched] He drink the shake, now he strong...

Like bull.

[normal voice] Drink it up, fellas!

-[sniffing] Ugh! It stinks! -[growling]

I think I just heard it hiss!

Oh, sorry. Um, that was me.

I've already had 15 glasses today.

And I'll have another dozen before dinner!

I'm not drinking that. Look, it's changing colors.

Hey, do you want to get invited to that party or not?

Now start drinking before they turn pink!

[both inhale deeply]

[Pesto grunts]

[high-pitched] I drink the shake, now I sick... like dog.

That means it's working.

[snores loudly]

[gasps]

[grunts]

Huh? Huh? Oh.

[grunting]

[bed creaking]

-Whoa whoa. Whoa! -Oh!

Oh! Huh?

Oh no.

[grunting]

Crash, what happened to you?

What'd you put in that drink?

Um, milk, cheese,

butter, buttermilk,

butter cream, peanut butter,

bacon butter and--

what's that yellow thing your mom puts on the counter?

-Butter? -Yeah, that too.

Look, Crash, if you want to get invited to that party, you need to get into shape.

And I mean a different shape than round.

[gasps] That is so insensitive!

You know I have body issues.

It's what's on the inside that counts,

and what's inside me is a heart-- a sheep's heart,

which I also put in the smoothie.

You know, Crash,

there's a simple, non-invasive procedure that can restore your youthful figure.

However, it is risky,

and some medical journals even call it stupid.

Risky and stupid? I am in!

Step into my office.

Oh! [chuckles]

[pants, wheezing]

[coughing]

Hey, guys!

You didn't tell me we were going uphill!

Wanna touch it?

The procedure is called lipo-sculpting.

Now I'm not a doctor, but I performed this procedure

once before on Amanda's stuffed ape.

And it worked?

Sadly, bananas didn't make it.

I like my odds! Mmm!

-[vacuum whirring] -[giggling]

[giggling slows down]

How do I look?

Uh, like grape-flavored road kill.

Mmm, I sound delicious.

[gasps]

Are we destroying the kitchen? Why didn't you call me?

[grunts, laughs]

When's the last time you left the kitchen?

Leave the kitchen? How can I possibly leave the kitchen?

You tell the kitchen it's not him, it's you.

Then slowly walk out the door.

And don't look back. [whispers] Don't look back.

[stove dings]

What are you burning?

Well, Trey asked me to bring

fat-free, gluten-free carrot ginger muffins,

so I'm making fat-free, gluten-free carrot ginger muffins.

[sighs] Do you think he'd notice if I just brought a bag of donuts?

Donuts are one of the worst things a person can eat.

[thuds]

Bring the donuts.

Oh, let me try. Ah.

[grunting]

Gah!

[babbles]

It broke my mouth.

Hey, check out my ink.

If this doesn't say 10th grade, I don't know what does.

"Party man."

That's cool. Is it real?

Hey! You rubbed off the "y"!

Now I have a tattoo that says "part man."

No one'll be looking at your tattoo once they see my bling.

Dude, that's your mom's Christmas broach.

Trey and Amanda will be here soon.

This could be our last chance to score an invite to the party.

Well, I've been developing a new strut.

I call it the gunslinger.

[mimics gunshots]

Do you have any mirrors in your house?

Lemme show you what I got.

-[muffled speech] -I can't understand you!

I said, ugh, "G'day, mate."

Oh, conversation starters.

I got one of those for the ladies.

"Hey, gorgeous.

How about making me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

I've only used that on my mom, but it works!

-You call your mom gorgeous? -A guy's gotta eat.

♪ Hey hey hey ! ♪

Membership card, please.

What? What are you talking about?

For the gym.

[grunting]

I need two more turkeys!

Hold on! I'm trying to sign them up!

We offer three affordable membership packages.

Honestly, the lifetime pass is your smartest investment.

-[grunts] -Ah! What happened to you?

I am pumped!

Don't tell anyone, but... I've been juicing.

[slurps, smacks lips]

You, on the bench press! Work your glutes!

You, on curls! Work your glutes!

Glutes are in your butt.

Glutes are wherever I tell you they are!

What's up with him?

I think he might have gym rage.

I read about this one bodybuilder who went nuts and tried to wrestle a bus.

-Who won? -No one beats a bus.

Start pumping!

Get in there. That's right.

[grunts]

Oh, come on, push! Come on, push it!

Get that on your arm! All Right!

Bigger! Faster!

Harder! Thinner!

Smoother! Fuzzier!

Milkier!

[grunts]

I don't even know what you're telling me to do!

The living room's a gym now?

I know, so stupid, but they're just lame kids. Let's go.

Hey, Trey! Check me out!

[grunting]

[laughs]

[mimics gunshots]

[muffled speech]

"G'day, mate" to you too.

Just so you know, I'm only related to the one in the helmet.

Great. We did everything right and he still didn't invite us.

[growls]

No invite to party make Crash mad!

[sadly] And sad.

[angrily] And mad again!

Hmm.

Crash have no control over emotions.

Good night.

Isn't this party the best?

Oh, me? I'm Trey's girlfriend?

You can call us Trey-manda.

Oh, you like the muffins? [chuckles]

Okay, I was with you until they liked the muffins.

How long have you been sitting there?

Too long. I saw when you pretended to go to the bathroom.

Go away.

Amanda, what's wrong with you?

I mean, Trey's all right,

but you're turning into a nervous, socially-awkward mess.

-That's Wyatt's job! -What's my job?

Never mind, part man.

It's "party man"!

Can everyone just go away?

I'm trying to be perfect for Trey's party.

-Nobody's perfect. -Well, they might be in Australia.

We don't know.

Amanda, stop freaking out.

Trey seems to like you. You have some really great qualities.

Yeah?

Oh. I have to name 'em?

Okay, um, you're... tall.

And... guys really like tall girls.

I wish someone would tell Trey how great I am.

Get us into the party

and I'll tell him all sorts of good stuff about you,

like your plan to round up the stray kittens

and send 'em to the troops.

Oh, don't they deserve it?

They do so much for us--

meowing, purring and being all cute.

[laughs]

All right, I'll ask Trey to invite you guys.

Just don't embarrass me.

Embarrass you?

What could possibly be worse than this video of you

pretending to go to the bathroom and not washing your hands?

I said a shot of wheat grass!

[grunts]

I keep telling you I don't know what that means.

Are you threatening me? Are you threatening me?

If you're feeling froggy, just jump, girl.

Yeah. Oh yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah!

[grunts]

-[thuds] -[laughs]

[grunts] Move, you stupid robot! Move!

I am your master! Do what I tell you to do!

[grunts]

I don't mean to interrupt, but you might wanna hit "play."

I do not need your incredibly helpful advice!

All right.

Hey. Hey, don't walk away from me.

You want a piece of me? Because I do come apart.

-[rips] -[grunts]

-Yeah. Mmm. -[haltingly] Okay.

[cellphone beeps]

Hey, Amanda just texted me.

I'm glad you guys are coming to the party.

Get lost.

[slurps]

[laughs]

What are you doing?

Wait, did-- did you say we were invited to the party?

Not anymore. You're a jerk.

Oh! No, wait! Come back! I'm sorry!

Um, you can rip off my leg and smash me in the face if you want!

Goodbye, pool party.

We're ready to party. I've got my party goggles,

my party flip-flops and my party cheese.

You're bringing cheese?

It's a high school party. You don't go empty-handed.

Oh, good, you're back. Okay, we're going to the party.

Oh. That.

Uh, I've got good news and I've got bad news.

The bad news is I dumped lemonade in Trey's helmet.

The other bad news is we're no longer invited to the party.

That's all bad news. What's the good news?

At the arcade, I sat on a jelly bean.

[smacks lips] Mmm.

That was not a jellybean.

So wait, you just went down to the arcade and picked a fight with Trey?

-No, he started it. -How?

Well, he was talking smack about you guys

and I'm all like, "Oh no, you didn't."

And he did.

Did he say anything about my walk?

He hated your walk...

And that stupid shirt you're wearing.

He's never even seen me in this stupid shirt!

Um, well, in Australia, it's already tomorrow, you know.

[chuckles]

A-Anyway, he said that even though he thinks that I'm cool,

you guys are losers.

Wh-- wh-- who does this guy think he is?

I mean, take away his looks, his sense of humor,

his overall coolness and what have you got?

-Pesto? -Hey!

I can't believe we did all that stuff just to get invited to some jerk's party.

I got the helmet. I got the tat.

Cleo even sold me a lifetime membership to my living room!

And Pesto bought cheese! That is not gonna keep!

-[sighs] -We're going to that party.

I'm gonna give Trey a piece of my mind!

First I'm gonna go change my shorts!

[people chattering]

Trey!

Hey, guys. What are you doing here?

Don't worry, we're not staying.

I just came by to tell you

that I don't care if you think that we're losers.

I never said that, mate.

We're not mates.

My mate wouldn't say that you hate my shirt.

I don't hate your shirt.

I mean, I wouldn't pick it for myself, but if you like it--

I wasn't talking about this shirt.

Wait-- you don't like this shirt either?

I didn't say anything about you or your shirts!

Who told you that?

Uh, I might've misunderstood him.

In fact, now that I recall, I made it all up.

G'day mates! [laughs]

Mmm. So...

This is kinda awkward.

Sorry, Trey. We'll head out.

It was a dumb idea coming to a high school party, anyways.

I mean, we probably wouldn't fit in with you guys...

[haltingly] And your helicopters.

Is that a Z-74?

It came with the aircraft carrier.

-Check it out. -Sure.

[chattering continues]

Whoa-ho! I take it back-- we are definitely mates.

-Hey, is that cheese? -Yeah.

Awesome! Hey, guys, we've got cheese!

[all] Wohoo!

You're welcome to stay if you can control the purple guy.

[grunts] Bonfire!

Don't worry. He doesn't know how to build a fire.

-[fire whooshes] -Whoa! Okay! Worry.

-I'll be right back. -[whirring]

I don't get it.

He's so hot on the outside and so much like you on the inside.

Yeah, he's pretty great.

Well, I'm glad you like him, because I'm over him. Later.

Amanda, I hear you're back on the market.

Can I interest you in some rebound cheese?

[sizzling] Out of my way! Foot's on fire! Headed to the pool!

[calmly] Hello, high school ladies.

In case you haven't noticed, I am smoking hot.

Now if you'll excuse me...

[screams]

[Crash] This is the U.S.S. Crash.

You have entered American waters.

Turn around or suffer the consequences.

[chuckles] Good one, Crash.

Not really playing right now. Just testing out my new boat.

Well, captain, if it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get!

-I don't wanna fight. -Those are fighting words!

No, seriously, Crash.

I've been working on this boat for three months.

-I just wanna see if it works. -You leave me no choice!

[Crash] Cannonball!

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪