Original subtitles

Crash, you're going to fall.

Why do you say that?

[yelps]

Add that to the list of things you've learned since you moved in here.

The pot rack is not a swing,

the dishwasher is not a sauna,

and the crock pot is not a toilet.

Gotcha, Mrs. B. And sorry about the crock pot.

You didn't have to throw it away.

You know, I really did.

Mom, we need to have a serious talk about Crash.

Oh, goody. My favorite subject.

Mom, are you really gonna let Wyatt keep this thing?

He's disgusting.

Look what found in the shower this morning.

[groans]

Whatever. Look what I found in your purse this morning.

Be glad you don't have to share a room with him.

If he's gonna stay here,

he should at least sleep on Wyatt's side of the room.

Aah!

Good morning.

Oh, I'll take a western omelet,

extra biscuits, a side of Canadian bacon,

and what's your selection of smelly cheeses?

We have to get rid of him, mom.

Yeah, he's gotta go.

Oh! Oh!

I am offended!

Mrs. B, tell them that that's a terrible idea.

-It is a terrible idea. -Ha!

He knows where we live and he would just come back.

Besides, we have to think of Wyatt.

It's hard for him putting up with three sisters.

Crash is good for him.

Yeah. Before, it was four against one.

Now it's four against awesome.

I-I'm the awesome.

Crash just needs to learn a few things.

That's why he's going to school with Wyatt tomorrow.

I am?

Ah, I've always wanted to go to school!

What's school?

You don't know what school is?

I don't know what a lot of stuff is.

You know, someone should invent a place

where a guy like me can go to learn stuff.

They did. It's called school.

Hey, I'm going there tomorrow.

Mom, please don't send Crash to my school.

There's lots of places where he can learn stuff.

You know, the bottom of the ocean can be very educational.

Ladies, I'd love to stay and chat all night,

but I gotta pick up my date.

Sorry I'm late, baby.

The giant women would not stop talking.

[announcer] Stay tuned for a marathon of Scared Good .

Is misbehaving really worth a life in prison?

Ooh, this sounds like a delightful romantic comedy.

[yawns]

[announcer] Episode one: Lockup.

[bell rings, doors slamming]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

[announcer] That wraps up our all-night marathon.

Tune in next week for more Scared Good: Life in prison .

[bell rings, doors slamming]

Crash, time for school.

I'm warning you, because of the girls you only get one minute in the bathroom.

I've learned to go number three just to save time.

Whoa. Have you been up all night?

I couldn't sleep. Hey. Nice hat.

Thanks, it's for snowboard club.

What's snowboarding?

It sounds like you strap a board to your feet

and then slide down the side of a mountain,

but it couldn't be that.

It's exactly that.

Oh, yeah. Sure it is, Wyatt.

And I'm sure there's some sort of magical chair

that lifts you to the top of the mountain.

Just get ready for school.

What should I wear? Wait, I know.

Too much?

Yeah.

Not enough?

Eh, it's up to you. But today's "Dodgeball Day",

so it may get a little rough.

Hmm.

So, this is school.

I pictured a place with desks and a roof.

We're still outside, Crash.

This is just where we eat and hang out with our friends.

Oh, like that guy?

No. That's "The Slapper".

He's not our friend.

[laughs] You flinched.

Let's try that again. I wasn't happy with that slap.

Get out of here.

-Oh. That looks like fun. -Trust me. It's not.

No, I meant for the Slapper.

Oh yeah. He's having a great time.

Whoa.

Hey. What's that?

Fire alarm. We don't touch it.

-Why? -I'm not kidding.

Whoever pulls it gets sprayed with ink so they know who did it.

-Do you get to keep the ink? -[groans]

Just don't pull it.

-Oh, what's this line? -No big deal. It's for the metal detector.

Um... I'll be right back.

Let's see, oh, spoon. [grunts]

That's the can opener.

And the frying pan.

And a toaster.

-[Wyatt]Hurry up, Crash! -Hold on, just one more thing!

[grunting]

Uh--

Oh, that'll never fit.

That was a close one, Bernstein.

I don't want to mess up.

That prison show scared me good.

I don't want to end up someplace

where people think they can search me whenever they want.

Hey, Pesto. What happened to your hand?

Ah, the Slapper.

But I picked my nose first, so the joke's on him.

[sniffs]

Oh, what's that smell?

Oh, that's for Amanda. It's cologne.

Smells more like colon.

You know Amanda doesn't actually like you, right?

I think I know when someone actually likes me.

Right, Crash? High-five.

-[punch] -Ouch!

That's our thing.

Tuck your shirt in!

And go see the nurse about that pimple!

Wow. Who's that?

The vice principal.

She's a fan of education through humiliation.

Where's your sign?

[chuckles]

Move!

She seems nice.

I watched this crazy show about prison. Oh, it was horrible.

People are always telling you what to do.

-Up against the wall. -Yeah! Like that.

Yeah, they even tell you what to wear.

Here's your gym gear.

[bell ringing]

[lockers slam]

[doors slam]

Wait a minute.

[screams]

This isn't school!

It's prison!

[wails]

Wyatt! Oh!

Wyatt!

Wyatt!

Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt.

We gotta get out of here.

This place isn't school, it's prison!

Yeah, Crash, it's prison. But we bust out at 3:15.

I've arranged for some buses to meet us at the front gate.

Look, I know a little something about surviving behind bars.

First, we need tough sounding nicknames.

You'll be, um...

Wyatt "The Riot".

Awesome.

And I'll be, um...

Wait. Crash already is a tough-sounding nickname.

Good point. In that case, call me "Wendell".

All right, Wendell. Let's get to class.

Not before we prove that we're bad dudes who should not be messed with.

No problem. I got my yo-yo.

Save it for the prison talent show. This is serious!

We need to find the biggest guy in the cell block and take him out.

That guy.

[laughing] You flinched.

No, Crash. Not The Slapper.

Hey, Slappy.

You want to throw hands with me?

My turn.

[wincing] Is that all you got?

[Crash] You flinched. You flinched.

You flinched. You flinched. You flinched.

[crying] Mommy!

You flinched.

Okay, Bernstein.

Now we go to class.

It was epic.

That little lavender dude with Wyatt Bernstein

made The Slapper cry.

The dude was like, "You flinched. You flinched. You flinched."

And then The Slapper was like-- [fake-crying]

And then I was like, "Yes!"

But in a cool way.

-Shh, here he comes. -What's everyone standing for?

The queen walk in? 'Cause I got a bone to pick with her.

She's in my fantasy football league

and she's making all sorts of crazy trades.

[laughing]

I like you guys. You get me. Sit down.

Hey, have you noticed everyone's looking at us?

Hey. Don't you know it's not polite to stare?

Ah. That's respect.

Oh, Bernstein, that's it.

What you're witnessing is street cred, which is why it feels so strange to you.

Yeah, Wyatt. People have been talking about you today.

And not like that time you had that really high fever

and told the nurse that you loved her.

Please. That was Bernstein.

You're talking to Wyatt "The Riot".

I was talking with the other guys,

and we think you should be captain of the snowboard club.

That'd be all right.

I'm really excited. I just don't want to show it.

That's right, Bernstein.

You always play it cool.

[cellphone ringing]

What?

Who would trade a quarterback for a kicker?

Your royal highness, you are killing me.

Amanda,

you look radiant.

That's this week's vocabulary word.

Supposed to use it in a conversation.

-Shh. -You also smell superfluous.

What happened today,

and why are high school kids talking about Wyatt and Crash?

The more important question is why they're not talking about--

Pesto and Amanda.

Because I painted over every place you wrote it.

[Crash] Hey, guys.

Hey, good to see you.

Maybe you can answer me.

How is my 12-year-old brother,

who still has superheroes on his underwear,

cool all of a sudden?

That's underwear?

I thought it was the best tattoo ever.

If you made my little brother more popular than me,

I swear I will turn you into a toilet-seat cover!

Who doesn't like a nice toilet-seat cover?

Especially on a cold morning.

Ooh, the teepee's looking real nice, Cleo.

-Thanks. -The fabric is beautiful.

Wait a minute, is that my new skirt?

Mom, it's four years old.

Go shopping.

You--

Better get an "A."

[snoring]

We have to find a place for Crash to sleep.

Oh, good news.

I found a family in Australia who's willing to adopt Crash.

They have lots of land for him to run and play.

Just think, Mom.

You can make someone's dream come true.

We're not giving Crash away.

I don't want him sleeping in my room anymore.

I mean it, Mom. He's weirder than Wyatt.

[snoring]

[both screaming]

Am I not entitled to one thing in my life that isn't completely ruined?

Don't talk to me about life being ruined.

Before I had you kids, I drove a convertible.

[groans]

Mom? Mom, what's he doing?

I think he's sleepwalking.

It's kind of cute, isn't it?

Oh!

[snoring]

And that's when I bought myself an elephant.

Huh? What's this for?

They used to give part of their breakfast to The Slapper.

Now they're giving it to you. It's pathetic.

Thank you. Thank you, and--

Yogurt? What am I, someone's mom?

[scoffs]

Oh, man. I forgot the syrup.

[chuckling]

Now that's what I'm talking about!

You know it.

This is our house. We run this place!

Is that so?

He's just joking.

Yes, that is so.

Don't worry, we're old friends.

I'm watching you.

You and everybody else.

You see, I'm kind of a big deal around here.

Ooh! Stink eye staring contest.

And go.

Oh, you blinked. I get your dessert.

Mmm. Green stuff.

Oh yeah, Bernstein, we've still got it.

Yeah. Cred feels good.

And we just lost it.

What?

Why can't I have cred?

Hey, Wyatt "The Riot"! Did you hear?

Mount Hood got a foot of snow last night.

Snowboard season opens today.

Yep. All because of my captain-osity.

You're welcome.

[chuckles]

What are we waiting for? Let's go snowboarding!

We can't just leave, Crash.

What do you mean we can't? You're Wyatt "The Riot".

Captain of the snowboard club. We rule the school.

Hey, Slapper! Who rules the school?

You do, boss.

Don't slap me.

Told you.

Actually, Crash, we don't rule the school.

Ms. Takashi does. We can't leave unless she lets us out.

-I thought you said this wasn't a prison. -[bell rings, doors slamming]

-Are you all right? -Come on! We're busting out of this joint.

Oh, Crash! Not the fire alarm!

[fire alarm ringing]

All right, Bernstein. Let's get out of here.

Well, that didn't take long.

The ink doesn't lie.

Wait, what?

Ah!

Do you want to explain this?

Not really, no.

In my office.

That is Wyatt "The Riot". You'll never break him.

You can interrogate him. You can torture him.

You can even make him read poetry.

The girly kind that doesn't rhyme!

There are ways to deal with punks like you.

However, none of them are legal!

Wait in the hallway!

[gasps, grunts]

Oh.

Sorry about that. I thought the door was open.

[Crash] It's okay. Whoo!

I'm sorry, Ms. Takashi, but Crash really isn't that bad.

I need you to write down what really happened out there.

I mean it. He's a great guy.

Maybe a little overcurious and excitable--

But isn't that what we want in our young people today?

I don't hear writing.

Come on.

I know he's guilty. You know he's guilty.

Let's just get this over with.

That clown in the hallway doesn't belong in school.

Crash!

...needs school.

He has so much to learn.

You don't want to take the fall for this, kid.

Word is, you're captain of the snowboarders.

You'd get drummed right out of that club.

Ms. Takashi?

Something you said earlier made a lot of sense.

Good. I'm getting through to you.

I'm glad I didn't have to get mean.

Now, what have you got to say?

The ink doesn't lie.

[groans] Snowboarders.

Bernstein. Bernstein.

I heard everything. You gotta tell her the truth.

I don't need to go to school.

Yes, you do. And I want you here.

But you'll get drummed out of snowboarders.

She didn't really mean that.

[drumming]

Wow. She really meant it.

-Was detention horrible? -Unbearable.

-I had to sit quietly for 40 minutes. -[shudders]

Well, I had a productive afternoon too.

I took care of my sleeping situation.

Ta da!

We're gonna be bunkmates!

You get to climb the ladder to your bed every night.

You know what? I'll just take the bottom bunk.

That's cool.

I like the view from up here better anyway.

Flying Face Slam!

[-laughing] -Nice.

Well, if you've gotta stay here,

at least you have a place to sleep without messing with my stuff.

By the way, where'd you find such a small mattress?

Oh, I just found it lying around.

Mom!

I finished the ad, listen.

"Free to good home:

An annoying, destructive pest that's ruined my life."

Nice, but...

The key to selling is making your product sound appealing.

Instead of annoying, we'll call Crash "playful."

Instead of destructive, how about "energetic"?

Now send.

That's how you trick people into buying things.

I once got tricked into buying a pair of shoes

that made my feet bleed.

But look how cute they are.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yes, he's still available.

You can pick him up today?

That's perfect. His name is Crash.

Hey, that's my name. Okay, I'll see you soon.

Hey, good news, everyone.

I've adopted an energetic and playful pet.

And how cool is this?

His name is Crash!

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪