Original subtitles

[buzzer sounds]

Bring it in, guys. Good effort. Really strong effort out there.

-But you can't win 'em all, right? -Actually we've lost them all.

-Yeah, but who's counting? -Everyone.

Our record is posted in the school blog. It's even trending. losers.

Really?

And follow.

Well, we're having fun, right?

-[lackluster cheer] -That's the excitement.

And I brought raisins.

[Crash] Hey, coach, you stink!

-Who said that? -Hmm, hmm, hmm.

I've seen better plays in a kindergarten theater class!

-Words hurt, mister! -You couldn't coach the side of a barn!

I'm sorry, Mr. Vanover. He's just learning to heckle.

What he means is you're not a good coach.

-[whistle quavers] -All right, you know what?

I'm a history teacher. I don't even like basketball!

I'm only doing this because mother prefers me not at home.

Hey, I'm sorry... for your mother!

-[laughs] -That's it!

-I quit! I don't need any of this! -[keys jangle]

You know, I do need my car keys.

Great, we lost our coach. Now what are we gonna do?

I'm gonna do what I always do when the going gets tough:

add this disappointment into an internal reservoir of rage

and wait for it to boil up and explode in my mid-40s.

All right, you twisted my arm.

-I'll coach your team. -No way, I'm not playing for you.

Why not? It's not such a bad idea.

Crash will be a great coach. He knows how to win,

and he won't cry as much as Mr. Vanover.

Plus I have a whistle. [tweets, gulps]

[tweeting] I swallowed the whistle. Little help here?

Again, one more.

[coughs, smacks] Mmm. Minty.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Yes, I'd like to apply for a platinum business card.

My annual income?

Does that include my allowance?

No, let me talk to your parents!

Hello?

Now that I'm Wyatt's new basketball coach,

I'm gonna need room for all my trophies. Oh.

Hmm. I'm gonna...

-[glass shatter] -[laughs]

Ordinarily I'd rat you out to Mom for that,

but you know since you're the new coach, let's talk business.

My brand is breaking into the sports apparel market.

-Oh. -You should let me redesign

your team's uniforms.

All right, but nothing girly.

No bedazzling, no skorts, no built-in sports bras.

Except for Justin, he's kind of busty.

-Move it, chew toy! -Whoo!

[grunts] Whoo-hoo!

Let's do that couch-cushion ride again, yeah!

Sorry, I'm busy. I need money.

I found some awesome sunglasses that will make me look totally cute

if I fall asleep in math class. Ooh, a quarter!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's money in the couch?

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be deep couch diving. Whoo!

I know an easier way for you to make money.

How would you like to work in the fashion industry?

-As a model? -[laughs] Right, a model!

Oh, you were serious.

No, I just signed a big contract to make basketball jerseys

and you're just the type of desperate person

I'm looking to take advantage of.

Hey, did you guys used to have a cat?

-No. -Oh, good, so this must be a chicken bone.

-♪ Hey ♪ -[laughs]

Okay, everyone, our first game is on Friday.

So mark it in your calendars as a win.

Now let's work on some fundamentals.

What should we do first? Layups?

No, no, no, no, something even more important--

Intro dances!

♪ Move your body ♪

All right, Bernstein, show me what you got.

Oh, I don't know, I'm not really much of a dancer.

Aw, yeah! All right, sprinkler!

Robot!

Deaden your eyes, Bernstein. You are a machine, not a man.

Thattaboy. All right, Pesto, you're up.

-[whistle blows] -Come on, Pesto, it's a basketball game,

not a Lady Gaga concert!

All right, everybody, huddle up over here.

Enough fooling around.

Time to work on the real fundamentals.

There's the high five, the low five,

fist bump, fist bump explosion,

the forearm bash, and if you really want to get fancy...

Bernstein, come here.

Right hand, left hand, one potato, two potato,

elbow, elbow, hip check, Namaste,

jazz hands, face slam! [laughs]

Yeah, nice, yeah.

[laughs]

Amanda, I don't like playing the boss card,

but you've only made one sleeve--

And jerseys are sleeveless!

Actually, I'm gonna need the rest of the day off.

There was a family emergency. I need to get home fast.

You are home.

She didn't buy it.

Quit slacking!

Cleo, if you're going to be in business,

then you'll have to treat your employees with respect.

Mom, it's Amanda!

I couldn't even get a reference from you.

In fact, you told me not to hire her.

I didn't say you shouldn't hire her.

I said I wouldn't hire her.

See ya, Wyatt.

Fine, I have other ways of getting what I want.

Hey, Pesto.

How would you like to buy me a new pair of sunglasses?

I'm broke. But I could maybe get you my grandma's reading glasses.

How much could I get for your watch?

Take it. Who needs time when you've got what we have?

[huffs]

Pesto,

look, I know Amanda's my daughter,

but you need to find a girl who likes you for you.

I'm flattered, Mrs. Bernstein, but I don't think of you like that.

Thanks for letting me down easy.

Ah, look, Amanda's trying to take advantage of you.

Exactly. She could take advantage of anyone and she chose me.

Can I borrow your computer?

I'm going to change my status to "in a relationship."

If you want to be a great coach,

you have to learn from other great coaches.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, You're saying I'm not a great coach?

Well, I was working my way up to that,

-but you saved me some time. -Oh.

Now Pat Riley won five NBA Championships.

His teams ran everybody off the court.

His hair is... mesmerizing.

-How's he get it slicked back like that? -Hair gel.

But his hair didn't win championships.

Well, it could have. It shines like a wet seal.

Who's the guy throwing the chair?

Oh, he's one of the best college coaches ever.

He yelled a lot, but got the most out of his players.

He used a motion offense to free up shooters.

-You're getting this, right? -Yep.

All the important stuff.

Hope we get to work on our game faces today. How's this?

It looks like you have to go to the bathroom.

Well, now I kinda do.

[whistle blasts]

Listen up, clowns!

I am here to chew bubblegum and kick butt.

And I am all out of bubblegum!

-I have some gum. -No gum in my gym!

The coach Crash era starts now!

[grunts] Rahr!

Huh? Oh.

Hmm, now line up for sprints! And someone go get my arms!

I bet this never happened to Pat Riley.

[weak whistle]

-[whistle blows] -Pick it up, ladies.

All this whistling is chapping my lips.

How long have we been running?

I can't see the clock. Everything is blurry.

If I don't make it, tell my mom I love her.

[Pesto] Coach,

-I can't feel my legs. -Oh, let's see.

-I can feel them. Take another lap! -Aah!

This is all your fault!

You're the one who wanted Crash to be our coach.

I'll talk to him.

You're out of control.

Didn't you learn anything about basketball from our talk?

Of course I did. Slick my hair back, throw a chair, yell a lot.

I gave you a three-hour lecture! And I had to pee the whole last hour!

The point I was making

-is basketball's about teamwork-- -[whistle tweets]

-Teamwork and execu-- -[tweets]

-Teamwork and execution! -[blasts]

-Take it easy! -[whistle tweets]

-This is supposed to be fun. -Pft!

Pat Riley says if you want to win, you gotta leave your guts on the floor.

I think I'm about to. [gags]

You call that hurling? Put your back into it!

You wanted to see me?

Sit.

You know,

this is the difficult part of the job.

You're just not cutting it here at... [whispers] ...Cleo.

You know nothing happens when you do that with your hand, right?

Wait, are you firing me?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm the CEO. I don't fire people.

I have people to do that for me.

You're fired!

I think you'll appreciate

the generous severance package we're offering.

A coupon and a banana? You can't fire me. I quit.

In that case,

we keep the severance package.

Fine, I'm fired.

I worry about her future.

♪ Kick it down hard Crash and Bern ♪

All right, our first game. Who is pumped?

No one. You made us do warm-up sprints for three hours.

-We're exhausted! -All right, who's exhausted?

Yeah, that's the spirit!

Now listen, guys, I know I've been working you really hard.

I know that you're so tired you think you got nothing left in the tank.

But I have complete faith that this team is gonna win today.

Why? Simple, because I went out and got us a really tall guy.

Hey, what's up?

How old are you?

If anyone asks, I'm a 12-year-old transfer student.

Guys, this is Derek, the new face of the franchise.

Where are those raisins you promised me?

You'll get raisins when you win! Now hit the hardwood.

I don't think we need that guy.

Check this out. All that practice has paid off.

My handles are sick, I got mad hops,

and I know six other pieces of basketball slang.

Uh, listen, Bernstein, I have two roles here.

One as your coach, and one as your friend.

As your coach, we need to talk.

As your friend, uh-oh, doesn't sound good.

As your coach, you're riding the pine!

As your friend, you can sit next to me the whole game!

You're benching me?

Look, you're a point guard, so's the new guy.

I have to tell you, as your coach, I want to win.

As your friend, I want to tell you

that coach is a jerk and I want to kick his butt.

As your coach, I'd like to see you try!

Oh, yeah? Here we go! [blows thudding]

Ooh, oh, oww! Stop it! [choking]

[screaming] Aah!

[Derek] Ah, in your face!

They can't stop me. What are you doing?

Get that outta here! In your face! In everybody's face! Oh, excuse me!

Oh, you can't stop me. I'll take that.

-Oh, yeah. [growls] -Aah!

[buzzes]

[scattered applause, cheers]

Yeah, great game, everyone.

-Yeah, it was! -No, it wasn't.

I didn't even get to shoot.

I was open the whole game, and that ball hog didn't even pass to me.

That's because you have no game. I took you kids to school.

We are at school.

I know, because I was able to finish my English essay,

while I was sitting on the bench!

What are you guys complaining about? I thought you wanted to win.

Not like this. You're the worst coach ever.

What? Why? My record is one and zero.

You yell at us all the time, you make us do sprints till we pass out,

and then when we're passed out, you draw stuff on our faces.

[laughs]

Meow! [laughs]

-We need a new coach. -[gasps]

Now wait a minute, guys.

This is Crash's first time. I mean, sure, he gets a little carried away,

but he's trying to help us. And he is a really good artist.

You really look like a cat.

Let's put it to a vote.

Whoever wants Crash to stay, raise your hand.

Oh, yeah, this is looking good.

Now who wants to fire Crash?

-Crash, what are you doing? -I want to be on the winning side.

You don't understand, you just fired yourself.

Oh.

Come on, guys, let's go play some laser tag.

Hey, you too, cat face.

[giggles] You make me laugh.

Bernstein, you're still here?

The way I see it, I have two roles. As your friend and as your player.

As your friend, I'm really sorry you got fired.

As your player, I'm gonna go catch up with those guys

-and play laser tag. -[scoffs]

Fine! I don't need anybody!

[slurping]

Hey, Carl, give me another one.

Don't you give me that look.

I will tell you when I have had enough.

I used to be somebody. You ever hear of Pat Riley?

I had his hairstyle.

-Hey, Crash. -Mrs. B.

How many smoothies have you had?

Not enough to make the pain go away.

-I heard you lost your team. -Yeah.

But you can't quit.

I mean, sure you're a terrible coach...

And you're a terrible motivational speaker.

Continue.

But at least you're passionate.

I mean, your problem was you spent more time yelling at your players

than you did teaching them.

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

And you catch even more with dog poop.

Oh, excuse me. You stink!

Oh, not you again. Please, leave me alone.

I am seven prize tickets away from a kazoo.

Sorry, Mr. Vanover.

Actually, I'm trying to teach Crash how to be more encouraging and positive.

If you wouldn't mind,

maybe I could show him what I mean while you're shooting.

-He's just gonna make fun of me. -No, no, I promise,

no taunting, no criticism, just compliments and love.

That sounds nice. Okay.

Oh, come on--

-[muffled] -Not a word.

Crash,

watch and learn.

That was nice, you got a piece of the rim.

I did, didn't I?

Ooh, okay, missed again, but still good form.

The basket is six feet away!

I mean, they train seals to do this with their nose.

Hey, Mrs. B., come on, come on. It's just a game. Calm down.

I'm trying to teach you a lesson and this guy is driving me nuts!

I mean, he couldn't sink a rock into the ocean!

Have you considered you might be left handed?

Okay, I am a grown man, I do not have to take this kind of abuse.

I'm getting on my bike and riding home to mother!

I'm sorry, Mr. Vanover.

-That didn't go as planned. -Oh, no, no, no, no. Point made!

I mean, if I was half as bad as you, I'm embarrassed.

I threw a chair and made children cry, but you are mean!

-Time! -[buzzes]

Time-out on the court, which means it's the perfect time

to talk about those beautiful uniforms by...

[whispers] ...Cleo.

Sorry.

Okay, there's 10 seconds left.

-What should we do? -Just give me the ball.

-Why do you get to shoot? -Because I haven't made one all night.

I'm due.

-We need a coach. -Twist my arm again. I'll do it.

Crash, what are you doing here?

I want my old job back.

I was taught a very important lesson by a mean, mean woman,

who I will not name. [whispers] It was your mom.

But I want a second chance, if you're willing to give an old coach

one last shot at glory.

-What do you say, guys? -Who cares?

-There's only 10 seconds left. -That's the attitude.

All right, we've got enough time for one last shot.

So let's run "the play," huh?

-Right, yeah? -The play.

-On three. One, two, three. -Break!

[buzzes]

♪ Move your body ♪

[buzzes]

Yeah, yeah, right! All right.

I don't know why we're celebrating. We lost by 17 points!

Seventeen points?

We lost by 17 points?

Who is coaching this team? Oh! Right, me.

Um, I'll be right back.

You stink, coach!

Hey, come on, we had fun. It's not all about winning.

Says a loser!

Oh, yeah? Why don't you come down here and say that?

Why don't you come up here and say that?

Okay, I'm up here. Where are you?

I came down here looking for you.

-[Crash] I can do this all night. -[Crash] So can I.

-You're very handsome. -You're very handsome, too.

No way, you got the sunglasses?

-[coins jingle] -I'm still working on raising the money.

What are you doing with my safe?

Hold on.

-Is this your safe? I thought it was mine. -It's got my name on it.

Oh, right. I have one that looks just like it.

I bet we have the same combination. What's yours?

-Nice try. -I know the combination to the safe.

It's 16, 24... hyah!

[laughs]

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪