Original subtitles

Bottom of the ninth. Bernstein's pitching a gem.

Move in! This batter hits like my mom.

No offense, Mom.

And you wonder why your sisters won't play with you?

No, I don't.

Now if I could also get them to stop talking to me,

I'd be living the dream.

[all] Happy birthday, Wyatt.

[all] Whoo!

Shoot. Was that today?

Happy birthday, sweetie! Glitter!

You're gonna love where we're taking you for your birthday, Wyatt.

[scoffs] I doubt it.

The places you take me are always so girly.

Well, there's nothing girly about this year's surprise.

Now come here so I can blindfold you with this bra.

-[all] Surprise! -[chuckles]

Wow!

It's like you guys read my mind...

...and did the exact opposite.

It's the build-a-bestie store.

Amanda, when I asked you to plan this,

I assumed that you'd pick a place Wyatt would like.

Well, that'd be great,

but there's no place called "Boogers and comic books."

So wait. Building a doll is my non-girly birthday present?

Well, we don't have to call it a doll. We'll call it an action figure.

Just put the bra back on my head.

Okay, where's the birthday girl? I got your special birthday tiara.

Oh.

Sorry, dude.

This is not what I wanted to do for my birthday.

I wanted to play paintball or laser tag! Or even just throw a rock at something!

You know I don't like violence.

[stammering] Really?

'Cause giving me a doll pretty much guarantees

I'll get my butt kicked.

I wish I had a brother.

Someone I could do guy stuff with.

He'd spit and grunt and break stuff.

And he'd know the difference between a touchdown and a three-pointer.

Baseball's stupid.

Can't correct you. On a roll here!

He'd have ninja weapons, and very strong opinions.

And we'd build stuff, and destroy stuff. We'd always have each other's backs.

Me and Crash! That's right. I named him Crash.

Because I'm a guy, and this is how a guy eats his princess cake.

You go, girl.

This is the worst birthday ever!

[man] Ow! Don't take it out on me.

Who said that?

-[man] I did. Now step aside, boss. -Aah!

[Crash] It's alive!

No, seriously. I came to life. How cool is that? [chuckles]

Aah!

You must be Wyatt. Glad to meet you. I'm Crash. Thanks for building me.

Let's hang, spit, break some stuff. Oh!

-[chuckles] -He is awesome!

Yeah I am! Face slam! Aah! [laughs]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Oh, is this chocolate?

[coughs and spits] Yuck. Nope. Candle.

Oh, what's on the other side of that door?

Oh, kitchen.

Oh, can I do a cartwheel across your couch?

Whoa! [grunts]

Uh. Nope. I cannot.

Isn't he epic?

Oh, I gotta go get my camera!

He sure is epic, honey. [chuckles]

-Now where's his stinking off switch? -[laughing]

-It's gotta be here somewhere. -No, down. To the left. Oh, there it is!

Thank goodness.

Okay, girls.

Take him to the garbage chute. Make it look like an accident.

-Psych! -[screams]

[laughs] I have no off switch.

I'll be on forever!

Okay, girls, let's not panic.

We've taken in strange creatures before. That's how we got Ferret Bueller.

-Crash, do not eat Ferret Bueller! -Oh, copy that. [chuckles]

I know where you live.

-[grunts] -I don't get it.

How'd you come to life?

I don't know. How did any of you come to life?

The world is full of miracles.

Whoa. Who is that?

[romantic music playing]

That's Princess Glitter.

No way. She is crazy hot.

You are crazy hot.

Hi. My name's Crash.

You shy or is there a string I gotta pull or something?

Back off! She's too good for you.

Oh, I get it. You want me to fight for the princess's honor.

Who do I gotta slay? A-ha-ha!

What the--?

You come with a sword? Girls, where did you find that store?

Crash, we don't have swords in this apartment.

Oh, that's okay. I brought enough for everybody.

[laughs] Hi-yah!

This rocks. I finally get another guy in the house.

Look, Wyatt, if he's going to stay, then you have got to take care of him.

Look, it's like adopting a puppy.

Um, speaking of which,

you'd better get some newspaper, 'cause I really gotta go.

Oh! Here.

Thanks. I'll be in the bathroom.

So this is the man cave, and, uh--

What the what?

-Yeah. I share a room with Cleo. -Wait, wait, wait. I don't get it.

So it's half girly...

...half dude-y.

It should be all dude-y.

If it were up to me, I'd spread the dude-y all over this room.

Well, it's not so bad.

I mean, Cleo has a bunch of rules, but I just ignore them.

Don't touch that!

Don't sit there! Crash, that's Cleo's bed!

[laughs] Oh. Whatever.

Oh, hey, Bernstein, alley-oop!

Oh, I was fouled!

Keep it down. I have work to do.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, it's the logo for my new brand. It's called...

[whispers] ...Cleo.

Your brand's called Cleo?

What? No, Crash. My name's Cleo. My brand's...

[whispers] ...Cleo.

I should introduce you to my brand. It's called...

[whispering] ...BO.

-Uh! -[laughs]

What happened to our motocross calendar?

I threw it out. Kittens are cuter.

Motorcycles are much cuter than kittens.

I mean, cooler. cooler.

-This is why I need my own room. -No, what you need is your own room.

-That's what I said. -Don't fight me on this.

I now know why I was put on this Earth. To get you the room that you deserve.

Oh, there will be casualties.

But I will not rest until my mission is accomplished!

Although, making this dramatic speech has taken a lot out of me.

So I could use a quick power nap. But right after, I will!

Um, lady?

Sorry. I'm not entirely used to you talking and being alive.

It's okay. You freak me out too.

Uh, so what should I call you?

Mel, Mrs. B., mamacita Lupita?

-Mrs. B. works for now. -Sounds good, Mel. Listen.

We need to have a serious conversation.

Sweet, a trampoline! Aah!

Nice grab. Wyatt needs his own room.

Yeah? Yeah, and I need the hairy guy across the alley

to get some curtains!

Which guy are you-- Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Excuse me.

I need to get rid of that image.

[grunts]

[chewing]

[spits]

Oh. Oh, that's much better. Oh, look. Tomatoes.

Hi-yah! [chuckles]

Okay, we need to get something straight.

First off, I don't like you.

That's okay. I already have a girlfriend.

Don't be jealous, baby. She talks too much.

Give me the doll. Look, I'm letting you stay.

But I am not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Wyatt.

I'd do anything for my little Wy-guy.

But if you cross me, so help me,

I will hollow you out and use you as a very ugly purse!

Huh. Wow. You have a violent streak. It is very off-putting.

Tomato grenade! [spits]

Fire in the hole! Whoo!

Crash!

Look, Mrs. B, this is what guys do. And we need the space to do it.

That's why Wyatt needs his own room.

Okay, Crash. I have four kids and two bedrooms to put them into.

So Wyatt will get his own room

when Amanda moves out or we get a bigger place.

Got it. Good talk, Mrs. B.

Um, what's going on?

Oh, you're moving out so Wyatt can have his own room. Whoop!

But I'm sending you off in style.

-[music playing] -[laughs]

Yeah! Bon voyage. May the wind always be at your back.

Now get out.

-[music stops] -I'm not going anywhere.

I mean it. Just ask my guidance counselor.

Hmm. Oh! What if I used my game show voice?

Because I'm not just sending you anywhere,

I'm sending you to the finest cooking school

in all of Latvia! [laughs] Yeah!

I don't have time to deal with an annoying purple thing.

It's called an eggplant.

Nothing? Oh, all right.

Oh, let's try something else. Do you like magic?

Please step into this box. [groans] Ha ha!

Uh, ignore the one way to Dubai sign.

And don't worry, there's water and squeaky toys in there.

Crash, did Wyatt ever tell you about his favorite robot?

Funny story,

it annoyed me, and somehow it ended up in the incinerator.

So what's your point?

-Check your tag. You're flammable. -[chuckles]

That's sweet, Amanda. You're pretty great, too. Yeah.

Oh! Squeaky toy!

[Crash] Squeaky, squeaky! Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky! [laughs]

Huh?

Hello?

Is anybody there?

Is this Dubai?

It's nice.

There's no reason to be jealous, Pesto.

Yeah, Crash is awesome, but you will always be my friend.

Your best friend!

Why do we have to put labels on things?

So it's tied.

Sure. Let's call it a tie.

You know, I may not have ninja swords, but my parents own this arcade.

That's gotta count for something.

I mean, could Crash do this?

Ow! Cold, cold, cold, cold! Agh!

Oh! Milkshakes. Step aside, lightweight.

[gulping]

[sighs]

[gulping continues]

[gulping continues]

Aah!

Oh. Oh, boy. That was a bad idea.

Oh. Milkshakes go right through me.

It's all right, guys. It's okay. I got this.

Oh, not again!

Hey! Put those down! Those are coming out of my paycheck!

Bernstein, we need to talk about your living situation.

You are getting manhandled at home.

Worse. You're getting girl handled. [chuckles]

You are totally losing the room competition.

It's not a competition.

We're men! Everything in life's a competition.

Oh, who can say that faster? Everything's a competition! Woo! I win.

I didn't even know we were playing.

Okay, let's go again. Everything's a competition! [chuckles]

You got p'wned, kid.

You think I don't want my own room? Of course I want my own room.

Everything in life's a competition! Yes!

Look, this is no time for games.

The truth is, Bernstein,

you need more space.

And when a man needs something, he takes it.

Are you a man, Bernstein?

-Yes! -Are you ready to start taking?

-Taking what? -So you're on board?

-With what? -The plan!

-What plan? -Do I have to spell it out for you?

-Yes. -All right.

[mumbling]

All right, I can't spell.

Just trust me on this one.

[drilling]

Aah! [chuckles]

What are you doing?

Dude, it's the plan. You're getting your own room.

-Pretty cool, huh? -[stammering] What did you-- What--

-Ah-- -This is awesome!

You guys are so dead. [screaming] Mom!

What did you do?

You got your own room. Look at all the space.

Although to be honest, I could do without the loser.

I don't mean you.

I totally mean him.

Okay, think. How do we get out of this? Um, we move to Florida.

-Change our names to Jeff and Roy. -Can I be Roy?

Florida's the first place they'll look.

-Okay, um... Alaska! -In that case, I want to be Jeff.

Oh, man. We could get kicked out of the apartment.

-Crash, this is serious. -How serious?

[mocking] This serious?

-I'm Wyatt. I don't knock down walls. -I don't sound like that.

-[high-pitched] I'm Wyatt. I don't-- -This isn't a joke!

Come on, Bernstein. I mean, you wanted your own room.

We should be celebrating.

-Hanging out, being bros-- -You're not my bro.

[gasps]

I don't want a brother who just destroys things.

Oh, that's funny.

Because I'm pretty sure that's the brother that you ordered.

Ninja weapons, strong opinions, builds stuff, destroys stuff.

-Yup. You asked for it. -Well, maybe I was wrong.

Well, then you're in luck because I come with a three day return policy.

-Then maybe I should take you back! -Don't bother. I can take myself back.

-Crash, where are you going? -Somewhere I'm wanted.

-And it's Roy now. -Why?

What?

Oh, my--

-Wyatt, what happened? -I'm sorry, Mom. Are you mad?

[scoffs]

Of course I'm mad!

There used to be a wall that was right there!

And now it's not there!

-Did Crash do this? -Yeah. But he's gone now.

I sent him away.

Really?

-He's not coming back? -Yeah.

So the day isn't a total loss.

Hey, Toby.

Is that a new robe?

-Hey, Pesto. -Where's your little purple friend?

-Crash? -You have more than one purple friend?

He's gone.

Well, I'm here for you, man. Here. Have a token.

Let's beat on some rodents.

I'm probably better off without a brother anyway.

Yeah. My brothers are jerks.

Maybe you're a jerk.

-Crash, what are you doing here? -I remembered the list.

You said we'd have each other's backs.

And I wasn't doing that.

Hang on a second.

[grunts] Not so fun now, is it?

So I got a job to pay for the damages.

-Crash, that's not money. They're tokens. -It's not?

-I quit. -Nobody even hired you!

Anyway, Bernstein, uh, I'm sorry. I won't cause you any more trouble.

It was nice knowing you.

See you, Crash.

I'm gonna miss him.

But I'm probably better off.

We did have a lot of fun.

But he got me into a lot of trouble.

-But it was kind of nice having a brother. -Wait. Did you just call me your brother?

Never had a brother before.

-You've only been alive for three days. -Shh!

My fake ID says I'm a week and a half.

Well, I've never had a brother either, and I've been waiting for 12 years.

[sniffles] Not crying.

Plastic eyes.

-So what do you say? Want to come home? -Eh...

[sighs] Probably should. The princess worries.

Oh, and Pesto? You're gonna wanna clean up in there.

I had another milkshake. [laughs]

The whole wall?

The whole wall?

The text message said there was a hole in the wall.

-I'm very sorry, Mr. Poulos. -Where's my swear jar?

[yelling]

Look, I don't like being a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy.

I eat dolphin-safe tuna!

-That stays between us. -Not a word.

But you're a businesswoman.

You gotta understand, I can't put up with this.

-I gotta evict someone for this! -Then evict me. I made that hole.

Yeah, evict Crash. Isn't that great, Mom? Problem solved.

Crash, what are you doing here? I thought you left.

Came back to take responsibility. But I'm not doing it for you.

I'm doing it for Wyatt. I'd do anything for my little Wy-guy.

Aww.

First thing I'm gonna do is change his nickname.

Don't go soft on me, Mom.

-Get over here! -Uh!

Jar!

[yelling]

Wow. Your mouth looks huge in that thing.

How'd you cut this wall so cleanly?

I've never seen demolition like this before.

Oh, thank you.

Some people don't appreciate quality craftsmanship.

I'll make you a deal.

I'm doing some work on some buildings downtown.

You come and do some demo work for me, we're good.

Absolutely. He'd love to.

Is it dangerous work? 'Cause that's not a deal breaker.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have some demands.

Will I be able to knock stuff down?

That's the job!

Okay, I have no demands. Oh, wait. I have one.

Uh, can I bring my brother Wyatt?

You can bring your Grammy Hazel, if she can swing a sledgehammer!

Now, do we have a deal?

Face slam! Aah! [laughs]

How cool is this?

We get to knock down the build-a-bestie store.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on one moment.

You can't destroy this place. It holds so many memories.

You built me here...

Actually, that's my only memory.

Let's tear this sucker down!

All right, all right, ladies.

Save the chitchat for the beauty parlor. There's work to be done.

I'm gonna destroy this place like it destroyed my manhood.

-You go, girl. -[laughs]

Face slam!

[crashing]

That one hurt. Ugh!

-You want to do it again? -Uh, is my name Crash?

No, seriously. What's my name?

I wasn't wearing a hard hat. Aah.

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪