Original subtitles

Can I get a what's uuuuup?

- Can you get a what? - No time for pleasantries, Steve.

I've unsleeved the pudding pop.

That's right.

A lot of stuff has been going on around here without my comment,

and I think it's time to...

...tell it like it is.

That's right. I tell it like it is.

I call it like I see it.

Do I pussyfoot around?

I can't.

It begins now.

Hayley, you know what I'm going to say.

- The bicycle shorts... - The bicycle shorts you wore last week.

I didn't see a bicycle.

Was it a fashion thing?

With a baggy sweater, I-I thought...

It looked bad.

Francine, I saw on the credit card statement

you got a subscription to master class?

Doris Kearns Goodwin does one...

You're going to become a DKG-level historian?

That'd be the first time anyone in this family

followed through on something.

Remember how you all saw the movie "Nightcrawler"

and you all wanted to become nightcrawlers,

selling pictures of car accidents to the news?

How many of you are nightcrawlers now?

We... we could... we could be nightcrawlers...

Big mistake piping up, Steve.

The other day, your hair came down into your face?

- No. - I was getting out of the pool!

You don't have a face where you can ever let your hair

come forward like that.

It's your nose. Just telling it like it is.

Talk to me about hair.

Of all people. Good gracious.

What's that, Son?

Is it a hard truth you're muttering?

Hit me with it. I can take it.

I said it's funny for you of all people

to criticize someone's hair!

You're bald!

- Bald... bald... - _

- Dad? - Ooh!

Bald! Bald! Bald!

Bald! Bald!

Pretty good Steve impression, huh?

Now do Klaus!

What's up, dudes?

Klaus usually says "bros."

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

- ? Good... ? - ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Aah!

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

There I was, blasting them with the truth,

one of my best tell-it-like-it-is-es-es,

and Steve just knocks the wind out of me with... with...

The truth?

Yes.

Ya know, Stan, to tell it like it is freely,

you must remove all your weaknesses.

Baldness is my only weakness.

You know, there's a hair transplant technique

I read about that's very cutting edge...

hair seeds.

"Cutting edge" is intriguing.

If you did it, I could arrange to have your new hair

styled by none other than...

get ready for this...

Josay Bosay.

- Who? - Are you serious?

Josay Bosay?

He's my most celebrated hair stylist character.

I have never heard of him.

Back in the '70s, Josay gave Rod Stewart

what would turn out to be his forever haircut.

You know what, Roger?

I will get hair seeds!

I'm so excited, I have to journal!

Is Stan right about us?

We were so excited about being nightcrawlers.

It's all we talked about in 2015.

But how many times did we actually go out on the prowl?

Not even once.

Look, did you all like the movie "Nightcrawler"?

- Yes! - More than anything.

And do you still think about it every day?

- Yes! - Morning to night!

And do you think that taking pictures of car accidents

and crime scenes seems like easy, fun money?

Yes!

Then get out there!

No one ever uses the fireman pole.

Not even me.

With my proprietary hair seed technology,

giving you a big, beautiful mane of hair

is as easy as one, two, three.

Now, let's take the wig off and see what we're working with.

I can't do it.

My... head's under there.

I'm right here.

- I'm too nervous! - What if I hold the other hand?

And now...

I'm a monster.

It's okay, Mr. Smith.

As a professional, I see this sort of thing every day.

Pamela, bring me some dramamine.

I'm looking at something that makes me queasier

than any roller coaster.

These hair seeds are gonna go nuclear

when they touch down on that cueball melon of yours.

Let's gas this Kojak.

I-I thought this was an outpatient surgery.

Shh.

It's gonna be a breeze.

Stan, things are going very badly.

Your body has rejected the hair seeds,

and something went nuts with your kidneys.

They swelled up and got very big,

then they shrunk down very small,

then they made a hissing sound,

then they just flat-out vanished.

I saw the whole thing on ultrasound.

I was like...

What does this mean for my hair?

We need a rare double donor...

both a kidney and a hair match.

Fortunately, I already found the right person.

They're here, they're excited to help,

and they're right behind this curtain.

Looks like Tuttle.

I'm going to insist the donation be anonymous.

This is an outrage!

I'm a hero!

Stay behind the screen. It is my wish.

Prep for surgery!

Let's get hairy!

- Aaaah! - He's dead again?!

This is a nightmare!

My anesthesia's not working!

My anesthesia's not working!

Shut up! Shut up!

Stan, open your eyes.

It worked.

- Hair? - Oh, yeah.

And it was easy as one, two, three

months in a coma.

I was in a coma?!

It's time to remove this towel

and send you out into the world,

a man who has hair,

but no towel.

The fruit...

of the hair seed.

Oh!

Ohh!

Ooh.

I look like the beast from "Beauty and the Beast"!

Now I get to bring you to Josay Bosay

for your first-ever haircut.

I can't keep my hands out of it!

I love seeing you so happy, Stan.

Anonymous! Anonymous!

Uh, Stan Smith, here for Josay Bosay?

Naughty boy!

Trying to read my unfinished memoirs!

There's some juicy stuff in that memoir.

When Morgan Fairchild reads what I have to say

about our hot affair, she's going to be so very angry.

But she gets horny when she's angry,

so more sex for me, right, gorgeous?

Th... these are scribbles. Not writing.

Oh, I can write. And I can read, too.

I read a book that was one majillion, but let's talk hair.

I want this haircut to be good.

Rod was nervous, too,

before I gave him that.

Make me look like me.

The most me.

Et voil�!

You just became...

a butterfly.

- I hate it. - How's that, gorgeous?

It's a horrible haircut.

It's Rod Stewart's forever cut!

It's an out-of-date hair-do.

It's a hair-don't, frankly.

I gotta tell it like it is.

Josay Bosay, you're obviously

nothing but a washed-up dinosaur.

He looks horrible.

You look horrible.

We all look horrible!

This fool only knows one haircut!

It's official... Josay Bosay is finished!

To the hat store!

Stan, what have you done?!

I'm ruined!

Josay Bosay is ruined!

Hello, Josay Bosay salon,

we're ruined.

I need it fixed.

Can the hair artists at Fantastic Sam's

guarantee total perfection?

I-I'm sorry, is someone crying on your end

or is that coming from my house?

Several people are crying there, you say?

Pube shapes are hot!

- Josay is no-o-o-ot! - _

Terrible about Josay, isn't it?

How you destroyed him?

And after he stood by you

during your difficult hairplug recovery.

Klaus, don't interact with me.

I, uh... I... I don't know.

I... I feel weird right now.

You feel guilt, Stan.

No, I think it's just that earlier,

I ate an entire hardshell crab

like it was a softshell crab.

Besides, why would I be guilty?

I was only telling it like it is.

Stan, perhaps I can tell you like it is...

telling it like it is is mean!

And when you're mean, you feel guilty.

And sometimes...

it feels like you ate the wrong kind of crab.

Wow. When you put it like that...

Well, so, what am I supposed to do?

Support your friend by lying to his face.

Reverse all your positions.

Say anything that will make him feel good.

Klaus, you're a genius and I love you.

You do?

Whoa, lying's easy.

I'm gonna go do it to Roger.

- Roger? - It's Josay!

Look, Josay, I've been meaning to say how sorry I am

for what happened at your salon.

Former salon. You hated the cut.

Wrong! I love this haircut!

Really?

But the awful things you said...

A misunderstanding.

You called me out-of-date.

Shyeah. Timeless!

What about washed up?

Washed up. Clean, tidy!

Okay, I see that.

And dinosaur?

Like a T-Rex. He's the king, bud.

Talk about your misunderstandings!

Now, I'm ecstatic you like the cut,

but if you want to maintain that electrocuted bird look,

you'll need to apply this constantly.

It's got a strong smell.

What... is this?

A little home recipe I cooked up.

It's starting to sting.

It's very astringent.

That's why I wear the gloves.

It's hair-friendly, not skin friendly.

Well, I... I love it.

You know what? I could sell this.

It could be the key to my comeback.

I think a little's getting in my...

Ow!

I mean... I mean wow! This is great stuff.

I just have to get people to love it as much as you do!

If that's even possible!

Am I a lucky duck or what?

I put out feelers that I'm interested in

starting my own product line, wanna spend lots of money,

and I'm immediately contacted by Roz and Larry here

to be my manufacturing partners!

They're complete strangers, but they have a nice house,

and that makes me trust them on a gut level.

Why is the factory closed, again?

Oh, a skunk got in there.

Pissed or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced.

Stan, is this a great idea or is this a great idea?

Or do you not like it and think I'm a fool?

Uh, it's... it's great.

- You're great. - Oh, excellent.

Roz, Larry, here is a check for the last of my money.

Oh, great, but we can do this later.

- Uhp! - Uhh!

That's a good sign, right?

- Eager to get started? - Uh...

Stan, they have a very expensive home.

They don't need my money.

I think this is an open house.

Could you both sign in?

So, I've been getting quite the runaround,

but you're the right person to help me stop a check?

Well, I wrote a check that was my entire life savings

made out to cash earlier today, and I'd like to...

Stop! That! Check!

Okay, thank you so much! You're gorgeous!

They cashed it hours ago.

I'm a fool! A failure!

I know you know it, Stan!

Tell me like it is!

Well, if you must know the truth...

No! Keep lying, Stan!

Wuzzat?

The truth is...

Lie, lie, lie!

Wuzzat?

You're a great hairdresser.

Yes!

Do you really think so?

You're the greatest hairdresser in the world.

Do you mean the greatest now,

or of all time?

Um... all time.

Including the future, too?

How could I possibly know...

Yes. Including the future, too.

"The greatest hairdresser of all time."

I have to agree.

You know, I think we're in this mess

because I forgot it's about the hair,

not this facocta product.

So, if I want to get back on top...

I need to give Rod Stewart a new forever haircut!

That's what worked before!

Oh, Rod's gonna be so excited!

But I don't know how to get in touch with him.

Hmm...

Aw, and it was such a good idea...

Oh, man! Lucky duck alert!

- It's a picture of Rod. - _

I-I can read the squiggles,

but why don't you read them to me?

It says Rod's in town for the grand opening

of one of his incredible stew restaurants,

the Art of Stew by Rod Stew-art.

Rod Stewart is the same person as Rod Stew-art?!

Yum, right?

I can taste those big, hard carrot pieces already.

_

Restaurant opening is in 15 minutes, Mr. Stewart.

Eh, it's okay.

They can't make the stew without me.

Surprise, Rod-baby!

I'm sure sorry we snuck into your limo, sir.

I-I love your stews.

Josay Bosay!

Give us a kiss, you cheeky bastard!

Mwah!

Josay, why has it been so long?

Oh, I thought it was because we were both

after the smashing Victoria Principal...

legs for days, lot of cowlicks, though, for a woman...

and when she chose me, I figured it ate you up inside.

Josay, I-I thought you were a homosexual?

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, Rod, there's not much time.

I'm very impressed by all the success you've had

with the stew restaurants.

Mmmwah.

What a great new chapter for you.

Speaking of new chapters, I want one.

And what better way for me to have one

than by giving you a brand-new hairstyle

to be revealed at the grand opening

of one of your suburban stew restaurants?

Seems like a strange plan.

It's not. It's a very good plan.

Just ask Stan. He's on board.

The bloke with the great hair?

That's Stan.

My most supportive friend.

Now, let's get cracking.

Absolutely not, Bosay!

Stan, he's not letting me do it!

Stan, help!

Did we just kidnap Rod Stewart?

Yes, you did!

Okay, that's one vote.

Greg, here's what we know...

We know Rod Stewart's limousine was hijacked

at the opening of his new stew restaurant.

We know his stews are really flavorful, very rich.

We know Rod Stewart is...

I want to say Australian?

As you can see, the police have them well-surrounded.

I imagine whoever is in there

cannot feel too good about their prospects.

I'm feeling good about this.

Let's cut your hair and become fabulous together.

Again.

Josay, please stop the limo.

I'm scared for all our lives.

Roger, what's happening back there?

The headline is "I'm feeling good."

Rod's warming up.

His eyes aren't doing as much fearful darting.

Few more laps around the ol' highway

and I think he'll let me cut him.

Oh, dear.

And here they come to get their pictures,

those disgusting, scum-sucking...

nightcrawlers!

If the kidnappers are a bunch of babes with big ones,

we could be looking at 50 Gs.

- Yeahhh. - We gotta get closer.

If Rod Stewart is killed

and we're not there to get the picture,

well, then, are we even loathsome nightcrawlers at all?

Could be a shootout.

Might crash. Might fireball. Yeah.

Might fireball, boom. Boom!

Look! We can get from the off-ramp to the on-ramp,

blow right past the police line.

Fireball!

Punch it, punch it, punch it, yeah, yeah!

Nowwww...

Punch it!

- Noooo! - You said punch it!

The last one I switched it to mean brake!

Punch the brake!

Those gotdamt nightcrawlers!

Nightcrawlers, desperate for magic footage

of a celebrity death, have caused an accident.

Their pursuit of senselessly gratuitous coverage

sickens me to the very core of my journalistic integrity.

- Should we cut the feed? - Don't be a nitwit.

What if there's a fireball?

Rod, pleeeeease!

No!

Bla-dow!

It's time to give up!

Oh, good, you're coming back.

I forgot to tell you, Roz and Larry reached out.

It was a misunderstanding, but to get me my money back,

they needed my social security number.

Great news, right?

Shut up! Shut your mouth!

I felt guilty and I overcorrected,

but all this lying to be nice has made everything terrible!

Terrible? In what way?

I have no choice now but to tell you like it is.

Only this time, I'm going to try to add in...

some kindness.

Okay.

I'm scared, but I'm ready.

You're an ass.

Your mind is an explosive source of shitty ideas,

and all to do what?

Revive a career that didn't matter to begin with?

You're a terrible stylist.

Aside from a total lack of taste,

you're also just not a good haircutter,

on a craftsman level.

Scissor skills are zero.

Everyone knows you're illiterate,

so it's excruciating when you keep showing people your book,

or pretend to sit down with that big quill pen.

- Your breath... - The... the kindness, please?

When is it? When is it?!

You...

make me feel bad when I say how awful you are at everything.

Because you're nice to me.

You make me wish I thought you were a better man.

Wow.

Yeah.

But you're not.

Sweet Maggie May,

both of you are trying so hard to change, to grow.

And maybe I've been stuck in a rut myself.

Josay... let's do it.

This has been a long time coming, Roddy-boy.

Eh, the haircut. L-Let's do the haircut.

I'm horny for that, too.

Seems like someone should sing...

I hadn't prepared...

It's me!

? With that hair, you look a fool ?

? But with this cut, you could be cool ?

? You'll appear young ?

? You'll appear young ?

? Basically young ?

? Basically young ?

? More or less young ?

? In the right light ?

? If they don't get too close ?

? You'll appear yoooooung ?

They kidnapped Rod!

Murder them!

It's... it's not Rod Stewart.

It's some old skeleton with a different out-of-date haircut.

It's the Clooney!

Rod Stewart isn't here!

And maybe he never even existed!

Let's go home!

Rod, you may have noticed some similarities

between the song I sang in the limo

and your song "Forever Young".

- Yeah, kind of. - Great.

Then you'll understand why I'm suing you.

Have a great night!

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com