Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:02,775
¶ Chappelle's show ¶
2
00:00:02,777 --> 00:00:04,176
- ¶ chappelle's show
- chappelle's show ¶
3
00:00:04,178 --> 00:00:05,578
- ¶ chappelle's show
- chappelle's show ¶
4
00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:07,047
- ¶ chappelle's show
- chappelle's show ¶
5
00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:08,782
¶ ah ¶
6
00:00:08,784 --> 00:00:10,616
wait.
7
00:00:10,618 --> 00:00:13,420
I don't think he's coming.
8
00:00:13,422 --> 00:00:15,221
Oh.
9
00:00:15,223 --> 00:00:16,590
Let's start the show.
10
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,128
Ladies and gentlemen,
11
00:00:22,130 --> 00:00:23,262
put your hands together
12
00:00:23,264 --> 00:00:27,499
for donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!
13
00:00:34,442 --> 00:00:36,209
Yeah!
14
00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:42,014
Welcome back to another episode of chappelle's show.
15
00:00:42,016 --> 00:00:44,684
Yeah, yeah.
16
00:00:44,686 --> 00:00:47,086
Got a question for y'all.
17
00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:50,056
You ever been in a situation where somebody didn't like you,
18
00:00:50,058 --> 00:00:51,991
and you figured the reason why they ain't like you
19
00:00:51,993 --> 00:00:54,194
is because they was a racist?
20
00:00:54,196 --> 00:00:57,029
Only to think later on that...
21
00:00:57,031 --> 00:00:58,231
They wasn't a racist at all.
22
00:00:58,233 --> 00:01:00,633
You just was acting like an asshole.
23
00:01:00,635 --> 00:01:02,502
On the opposite side, you might say,
24
00:01:02,504 --> 00:01:04,971
"you know what? Maybe I was being an asshole."
25
00:01:04,973 --> 00:01:07,373
Do you think about it like, "I wasn't being an asshole.
26
00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:10,176
"That was a klansman I was just talking to!"
27
00:01:10,178 --> 00:01:11,878
That's what this sketch is about.
28
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,145
Check it out.
29
00:01:36,804 --> 00:01:38,404
you're in a good mood today, blockhead.
30
00:01:38,406 --> 00:01:39,472
What's up?
31
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,074
Got a meeting with my boss today,
32
00:01:41,076 --> 00:01:43,376
and I think I'm about to get that promotion.
33
00:01:43,378 --> 00:01:45,311
Nigga, I thought you said your boss was a racist.
34
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,480
You know, I think he is a racist,
35
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,948
but I'm about to get promoted anyway.
36
00:01:48,950 --> 00:01:50,716
Because of the hard work I put in,
37
00:01:50,718 --> 00:01:52,818
I'm getting ready to become office manager.
38
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,621
I tell you something else too.
39
00:01:54,623 --> 00:01:58,658
If I was a white man, I'd be taking his job.
40
00:02:00,028 --> 00:02:01,094
Morning, fellas.
41
00:02:01,096 --> 00:02:02,361
Hey, wolfie, what'd I tell you
42
00:02:02,363 --> 00:02:03,963
about not wearing no pants around the house?
43
00:02:03,965 --> 00:02:05,464
Aw, c'mon dog.
44
00:02:05,466 --> 00:02:07,633
Ay, c'mon, man, you scratching your balls over my breakfast!
45
00:02:07,635 --> 00:02:09,302
You got ball hair on top of your head!
46
00:02:09,304 --> 00:02:11,070
That's not a joke.
47
00:02:11,072 --> 00:02:14,107
That is ball hair. That's coarse.
48
00:02:14,109 --> 00:02:16,910
Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge.
49
00:02:16,912 --> 00:02:19,411
I'm nervous. I got a big date today.
50
00:02:19,413 --> 00:02:21,080
- What?
- A date?
51
00:02:21,082 --> 00:02:22,348
All right, I didn't say nothing,
52
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,849
'cause I feel a little uncomfortable about it.
53
00:02:23,851 --> 00:02:25,318
She's white.
54
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,353
You come in here with your tail waggin' over a white woman?
55
00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:28,988
C'mon, dog, listen, this is the first date I had
56
00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:31,390
since that werewolf bit me on the subway.
57
00:02:31,392 --> 00:02:33,826
Sisters don't understand this!
58
00:02:33,828 --> 00:02:35,995
Only thing nice a sister said to me
59
00:02:35,997 --> 00:02:37,831
since I been a goddamn werewolf
60
00:02:37,833 --> 00:02:41,033
is that I got pretty hair, and I'm tired of that shit!
61
00:02:41,035 --> 00:02:44,237
So if you don't accept me and accept the people I love,
62
00:02:44,239 --> 00:02:46,973
like I accept you, you fuckin' frankenstein,
63
00:02:46,975 --> 00:02:51,443
and you, you fuckin' gauze-wrapped, stanky-ass,
64
00:02:51,445 --> 00:02:53,646
3,000-year-old mummy--
65
00:02:53,648 --> 00:02:57,483
yes, I know about you-- then I'm gonna be upset!
66
00:02:57,485 --> 00:02:59,185
Now if you guys will excuse me...
67
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:02,788
I'm getting the hell out of here myself.
68
00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:05,125
I gotta go see my probation officer.
69
00:03:08,196 --> 00:03:10,063
Frank...
70
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:11,197
Have a seat.
71
00:03:11,199 --> 00:03:14,366
Yes, sir. Pleased to be here.
72
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,769
Frank, I don't want to beat around the bush.
73
00:03:16,771 --> 00:03:18,837
I've been getting a lot of complaints about you
74
00:03:18,839 --> 00:03:20,306
from your co-workers.
75
00:03:20,308 --> 00:03:21,707
What kind of complaints?
76
00:03:21,709 --> 00:03:25,711
Well, amongst other things, conflict resolution.
77
00:03:25,713 --> 00:03:27,947
Those motherfuckers!
78
00:03:27,949 --> 00:03:29,148
Uh...
79
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:37,156
What else did they tell you?
80
00:03:37,158 --> 00:03:40,326
They were afraid of your violent outbursts.
81
00:03:40,328 --> 00:03:42,796
You've broken a lot of furniture, Frank.
82
00:03:42,798 --> 00:03:44,497
I'm afraid I have to let you go.
83
00:03:53,507 --> 00:03:55,341
Listen up!
84
00:03:55,343 --> 00:03:58,377
You racist backstabbers!
85
00:03:58,379 --> 00:04:00,779
Sorry y'all ain't evolved enough
86
00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:05,285
to handle a strong black man around the office.
87
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:06,485
Let me tell you something.
88
00:04:06,487 --> 00:04:09,289
Frank, Frank, you gotta relax.
89
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,257
You're with friends, okay? I love you.
90
00:04:11,259 --> 00:04:12,692
We all love you.
91
00:04:12,694 --> 00:04:15,327
We just don't want anybody to get hurt, you understand?
92
00:04:15,329 --> 00:04:18,398
- Yaaah!
- Aaagh!
93
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,165
Son of a bitch!
94
00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:23,803
Son of a bitch! God damn it!
95
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,805
Argh!
96
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:30,209
Now all y'all know I'm the hardest worker in the business.
97
00:04:30,211 --> 00:04:32,979
I'm tired of tiptoeing around this office
98
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:35,581
so y'all racists can be comfortable.
99
00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:37,250
You scared of black people?
100
00:04:37,252 --> 00:04:39,352
Well, that's your problem!
101
00:04:39,354 --> 00:04:41,387
My color shouldn't even be an issue.
102
00:04:41,389 --> 00:04:45,925
When you look at me, all you should see is a man...
103
00:04:45,927 --> 00:04:48,327
Not a black man!
104
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:51,630
Nigga, you a frankenstein!
105
00:04:51,632 --> 00:04:54,033
Aw, shut up, slave.
106
00:04:55,971 --> 00:04:57,236
Hello, police?
107
00:04:57,238 --> 00:04:59,938
Someone's going berserk in our office.
108
00:04:59,940 --> 00:05:01,841
He's black.
109
00:05:03,911 --> 00:05:05,010
Freeze!
110
00:05:05,012 --> 00:05:06,779
Come on, let's get it over with.
111
00:05:06,781 --> 00:05:09,983
Go on, do what you gon' do! Impress your white friends!
112
00:05:09,985 --> 00:05:10,983
Fire one shot.
113
00:05:10,985 --> 00:05:12,585
Firing one shot.
114
00:05:12,587 --> 00:05:13,953
Ow!
115
00:05:13,955 --> 00:05:16,990
Oh, damn. Aagh!
116
00:05:16,992 --> 00:05:18,891
Damn slave!
117
00:05:18,893 --> 00:05:20,659
You is a slave!
118
00:05:20,661 --> 00:05:23,429
Y'all ought to get together.
119
00:05:23,431 --> 00:05:26,966
Go out to lunch.
120
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:29,502
Have cold grits or somethin' to eat.
121
00:05:32,507 --> 00:05:36,175
Aw, man, I'm about to be late again!
122
00:05:36,177 --> 00:05:38,011
I better hurry up.
123
00:05:50,057 --> 00:05:52,492
Aw, never gon' make it, man.
124
00:05:52,494 --> 00:05:55,294
They gon' send me right back to the joint.
125
00:05:55,296 --> 00:05:56,829
I need a taxi.
126
00:05:56,831 --> 00:05:58,598
I need a taxi. That's what I need.
127
00:06:05,673 --> 00:06:07,839
Fuck this shit, man.
128
00:06:07,841 --> 00:06:09,309
I was standing right--
129
00:06:10,911 --> 00:06:12,344
Yo, stop, stop!
130
00:06:12,346 --> 00:06:14,680
- C'mon, I need a taxi, man.
- No Brooklyn!
131
00:06:14,682 --> 00:06:17,583
- I'm not going to Brooklyn!
- I'm off-duty.
132
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:20,419
You're not off-duty! Your sign is on, come on!
133
00:06:20,421 --> 00:06:24,623
N-no mummies! I don't trust mummies!
134
00:06:24,625 --> 00:06:26,091
You know this ain't got shit to do
135
00:06:26,093 --> 00:06:27,093
with me bein' a mummy, man.
136
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,594
Just be real with it, son.
137
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,496
Yo, just be real with it.
138
00:06:37,304 --> 00:06:41,307
Shit...Why you have to fuck up my gauze, son?
139
00:06:46,714 --> 00:06:50,116
You're late again. This is totally unacceptable.
140
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,551
My fault, sorry.
141
00:06:52,553 --> 00:06:54,654
Ah, you people are always late.
142
00:06:54,656 --> 00:06:55,988
"You people"?
143
00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:58,123
What you trying to say-- black people are always late?
144
00:06:58,125 --> 00:07:00,293
Actually, I was talking about mummies.
145
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:03,229
Listen, you've been late every month since you got out.
146
00:07:03,231 --> 00:07:06,399
It shows that you have a clear disdain for me and the system.
147
00:07:06,401 --> 00:07:08,767
You're going back to jail.
148
00:07:08,769 --> 00:07:10,703
Ain't this a bitch.
149
00:07:10,705 --> 00:07:14,707
The system is not designed for us, man.
150
00:07:14,709 --> 00:07:18,711
Who, black people or mummies?
151
00:07:18,713 --> 00:07:21,747
I don't even know anymore.
152
00:07:21,749 --> 00:07:25,184
I don't even know anymore.
153
00:07:25,186 --> 00:07:28,086
You know what they do to mummies in jail
154
00:07:28,088 --> 00:07:30,222
when they gotta go to the bathroom
155
00:07:30,224 --> 00:07:32,358
and nobody can find toilet paper?
156
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,693
What?
157
00:07:34,695 --> 00:07:36,629
They use me.
158
00:07:41,769 --> 00:07:45,137
I'd like to propose a toast...
159
00:07:45,139 --> 00:07:47,840
New beginnings.
160
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:50,476
- Wolfie, I...
- Yeah?
161
00:07:50,478 --> 00:07:53,279
I think maybe we're moving too fast.
162
00:07:53,281 --> 00:07:54,447
Huh?
163
00:07:54,449 --> 00:07:57,116
What you mean? What are you talking about?
164
00:07:57,118 --> 00:07:58,717
Wait a minute, is it...
165
00:07:58,719 --> 00:08:01,153
It's not the black-white thing, is it?
166
00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:02,688
No, really, you can tell me.
167
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:05,357
I was a little uncomfortable about it too; I'm not gonna lie.
168
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:06,859
Is everything okay over here?
169
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,127
Yeah, everything is fine.
170
00:08:08,129 --> 00:08:10,997
Thank you so much.
171
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,733
Hey!
172
00:08:13,735 --> 00:08:14,867
Excuse me.
173
00:08:17,505 --> 00:08:19,137
That's very mature, miss.
174
00:08:19,139 --> 00:08:21,707
Your penis is exposed, brother.
175
00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:24,477
Oh...Thanks, ma'am, sorry about that.
176
00:08:24,479 --> 00:08:27,680
I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve your kind here.
177
00:08:27,682 --> 00:08:30,516
Wait, hold on, what's that supposed to mean, "my kind"?
178
00:08:31,853 --> 00:08:34,987
Oh, no pants. How convenient.
179
00:08:34,989 --> 00:08:37,056
So all this shit is about pants?
180
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,525
Police beatin' up people for pants, huh?
181
00:08:39,527 --> 00:08:43,128
Just get the fuck outta here! I'm eatin' soup!
182
00:08:43,130 --> 00:08:44,630
I got this, baby.
183
00:08:44,632 --> 00:08:46,064
Freeze!
184
00:08:46,066 --> 00:08:47,934
I should bite the shit out of this motherfucker!
185
00:08:52,139 --> 00:08:53,939
I've got good news for all three of you.
186
00:08:53,941 --> 00:08:56,709
Mummy, a judge ruled in your favor.
187
00:08:56,711 --> 00:08:58,945
The probation officer can't lock you up for lateness.
188
00:08:58,947 --> 00:09:00,312
Yes!
189
00:09:00,314 --> 00:09:02,448
Wolfman, the police said they'd drop all charges
190
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:04,617
if you promise to start wearing pants.
191
00:09:04,619 --> 00:09:06,585
Fuckin' racists!
192
00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:08,620
Frank, the man whose arm you tore off
193
00:09:08,622 --> 00:09:10,489
is willing to settle out of court.
194
00:09:10,491 --> 00:09:11,757
Yeah!
195
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:14,260
As black men, we have to stick together.
196
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,330
And besides, I am a sagittarius.
197
00:09:25,706 --> 00:09:27,773
Look, we gonna be right back with some more
198
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:31,042
chappelle's show after commercial.
199
00:09:38,653 --> 00:09:39,986
- ¶ Chappelle's show ¶
- who is that?
200
00:09:41,356 --> 00:09:43,656
You know, a lot of people are wondering
201
00:09:43,658 --> 00:09:46,659
just exactly what happened with that $50 million check.
202
00:09:46,661 --> 00:09:48,194
Check this out.
203
00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:51,530
Right there we see his check, to the order of Dave chappelle.
204
00:09:51,532 --> 00:09:53,900
Ashy Larry?
205
00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:58,538
I'm rich, bi-atch!
206
00:10:00,741 --> 00:10:02,574
I'm cashing that shit at a liquor store
207
00:10:02,576 --> 00:10:06,011
right on 125th street.
208
00:10:06,013 --> 00:10:07,680
You know, I watch a lot of television, man,
209
00:10:07,682 --> 00:10:09,248
but one of the shows I hate on tv the most,
210
00:10:09,250 --> 00:10:11,851
especially being a black man, is the news.
211
00:10:11,853 --> 00:10:17,189
And when they do talk about us, what word do they use?
212
00:10:17,191 --> 00:10:19,725
Minority.
213
00:10:19,727 --> 00:10:22,961
Minority.
214
00:10:22,963 --> 00:10:25,163
See, that's what Dave was about.
215
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:32,438
Say what you mean, news people.
216
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,040
The national association of minority-owned business--
217
00:10:35,042 --> 00:10:37,310
minority entrepreneurship-- few minorities--
218
00:10:37,312 --> 00:10:38,911
and they call you minority--
219
00:10:38,913 --> 00:10:40,979
rap mogul Russell Simmons was honored today
220
00:10:40,981 --> 00:10:42,782
- by the national association of--
- nigger--
221
00:10:42,784 --> 00:10:44,784
owned business for his outstanding service
222
00:10:44,786 --> 00:10:46,452
to the African-American community.
223
00:10:46,454 --> 00:10:49,755
News center two's own Jack championship is there.
224
00:10:49,757 --> 00:10:52,058
You know, Lisa, for the past few years,
225
00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:54,260
- there's been a spike in--
- nigger--
226
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:56,929
entrepreneurship here in America, and few--
227
00:10:56,931 --> 00:10:58,797
- niggers--
- have been more successful
228
00:10:58,799 --> 00:11:02,368
than today's keynote speaker, Mr. Russell Simmons.
229
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:06,205
85% of the people in our public school system
230
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,506
are black or brown.
231
00:11:07,508 --> 00:11:08,841
- And they call you--
- niggers--
232
00:11:08,843 --> 00:11:10,776
but the fact is, in this state,
233
00:11:10,778 --> 00:11:14,580
the black and the brown people together are the majority.
234
00:11:14,582 --> 00:11:18,317
And the fact is, worldwide, white people are the--
235
00:11:18,319 --> 00:11:20,152
niggers.
236
00:11:20,154 --> 00:11:22,388
You know, that's how they do it.
237
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:25,491
And what's the--what's the other big word they like to use?
238
00:11:25,493 --> 00:11:27,693
Special interests.
239
00:11:27,695 --> 00:11:29,328
You know what that means.
240
00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:30,362
Take a look at this.
241
00:11:30,364 --> 00:11:32,330
Want this law to pass are minorities
242
00:11:32,332 --> 00:11:34,232
and special interests.
243
00:11:35,603 --> 00:11:37,803
The only people who want this law to pass are--
244
00:11:37,805 --> 00:11:38,804
- niggers--
- and--
245
00:11:38,806 --> 00:11:39,805
fags.
246
00:11:39,807 --> 00:11:41,340
Y'all stay tuned.
247
00:11:41,342 --> 00:11:43,709
We gonna be right back with some more chappelle's show.
248
00:11:43,711 --> 00:11:44,876
Yes!
249
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,851
¶ Chappelle's show, chappelle's show ¶
250
00:11:51,853 --> 00:11:53,386
I don't believe this, man.
251
00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:59,125
Welcome back to chappelle's show!
252
00:12:03,631 --> 00:12:05,664
You know, I can say from experience that
253
00:12:05,666 --> 00:12:07,532
when you blow up in show business,
254
00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:10,068
things change and kind of get surreal.
255
00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:12,604
You start getting offers from all kinds of places,
256
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:14,239
and shit just gets weird.
257
00:12:14,241 --> 00:12:16,742
This is what Dave kind of went through.
258
00:12:16,744 --> 00:12:17,677
Check it out.
259
00:12:21,015 --> 00:12:23,215
Show business will see you now, Mr. chappelle.
260
00:12:23,217 --> 00:12:25,250
Thank you.
261
00:12:25,252 --> 00:12:26,618
I'm a little nervous.
262
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:28,554
That's completely natural.
263
00:12:28,556 --> 00:12:31,390
Everyone gets nervous the first time they meet show business.
264
00:12:31,392 --> 00:12:33,392
Except p. Diddy.
265
00:12:44,204 --> 00:12:45,804
what's up, playboy?
266
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,139
Oww!
267
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,140
Uh-uh...
268
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,642
Uh-uh. Uh-uh, uh-uh.
269
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:52,578
Voting is sexy, right?
270
00:12:59,687 --> 00:13:01,453
Dave chappelle.
271
00:13:01,455 --> 00:13:03,255
I've been waiting for you.
272
00:13:03,257 --> 00:13:06,592
I am the great and powerful show business.
273
00:13:06,594 --> 00:13:09,161
Congratulations on two good seasons.
274
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,663
Now it's time to make your money.
275
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:14,399
So tell me, what are your goals for your career?
276
00:13:14,401 --> 00:13:16,135
I don't know.
277
00:13:16,137 --> 00:13:18,370
I was thinking maybe I'd stay true to myself,
278
00:13:18,372 --> 00:13:19,838
you know, speak my mind.
279
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,509
Tv guide was right!
280
00:13:24,511 --> 00:13:26,945
You are the funniest man on television!
281
00:13:26,947 --> 00:13:28,280
Just do what I say.
282
00:13:28,282 --> 00:13:29,982
It'll be painless, and you'll be rich.
283
00:13:29,984 --> 00:13:33,352
I have one word for you... Are you listening?
284
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,786
Uh-oh.
285
00:13:34,788 --> 00:13:36,355
Merchandising.
286
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:38,223
What you got?
287
00:13:38,225 --> 00:13:41,093
Hey, mom, what's for breakfast?
288
00:13:41,095 --> 00:13:42,327
Pancakes.
289
00:13:42,329 --> 00:13:45,197
Oh, mom, not pancakes again.
290
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:48,099
I want to eat something fun.
291
00:13:48,101 --> 00:13:52,237
I think I have just the thing.
292
00:13:52,239 --> 00:13:55,307
Dave chappelle cereal!
293
00:13:55,309 --> 00:13:58,210
That's right, kids, I finally got my own cereal,
294
00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,812
the first black man since Mr. t.
295
00:14:00,814 --> 00:14:03,314
It's got all the treats that you love from my show.
296
00:14:03,316 --> 00:14:05,750
Purple crack pipes!
297
00:14:05,752 --> 00:14:07,987
Yellow titty jokes!
298
00:14:07,989 --> 00:14:09,855
Brown musicians!
299
00:14:09,857 --> 00:14:12,324
And black and white observations!
300
00:14:14,861 --> 00:14:16,995
I'm rich, bi-atch!
301
00:14:16,997 --> 00:14:19,398
Wow!
302
00:14:20,635 --> 00:14:22,801
See? I told you that was too much.
303
00:14:22,803 --> 00:14:24,236
You wanna do a movie?
304
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,138
We'll get one of your hit characters from the tv show,
305
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:27,472
take the momentum right into a movie.
306
00:14:27,474 --> 00:14:28,473
You ready?
307
00:14:28,475 --> 00:14:30,476
- I don't know.
- Here we go!
308
00:14:34,882 --> 00:14:40,119
I need you to know the depth of my feelings for you.
309
00:14:40,121 --> 00:14:42,287
I want you to know that...
310
00:14:42,289 --> 00:14:45,791
I would die for you.
311
00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:48,060
No matter what I do, what I say...
312
00:14:48,062 --> 00:14:51,530
Every time I try to show you, it's as if...
313
00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:55,534
It's as if you don't hear me.
314
00:14:55,536 --> 00:14:58,470
Do you?
315
00:14:58,472 --> 00:14:59,471
Do you?
316
00:14:59,473 --> 00:15:00,673
What?
317
00:15:00,675 --> 00:15:02,541
Lil' jon in love...
318
00:15:02,543 --> 00:15:07,712
Crunking with his bitch's emotions this July 11th.
319
00:15:07,714 --> 00:15:09,915
Was it good for you?
320
00:15:09,917 --> 00:15:12,451
Yeah! Yeah!
321
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,753
Mmm, you want a sandwich?
322
00:15:14,755 --> 00:15:15,821
What?
323
00:15:15,823 --> 00:15:17,456
Mmm, you wanna sandwich?
324
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,523
What?
325
00:15:18,525 --> 00:15:21,460
Do you want a sandwich?
326
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:22,861
Huh?
327
00:15:22,863 --> 00:15:24,963
A sandwich.
328
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:26,899
Okay!
329
00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:30,803
Do you love me?
330
00:15:35,342 --> 00:15:38,577
How's that sandwich coming?
331
00:15:38,579 --> 00:15:39,711
Yeah.
332
00:15:39,713 --> 00:15:42,948
This summer, only in theaters.
333
00:15:42,950 --> 00:15:44,449
I don't know, man.
334
00:15:44,451 --> 00:15:47,286
I don't think that's gonna be good for 90 minutes.
335
00:15:47,288 --> 00:15:49,754
Dave, I'm running out of ideas here.
336
00:15:49,756 --> 00:15:51,891
How would you like to be on mtv cribs?
337
00:15:51,893 --> 00:15:53,058
Cribs?
338
00:15:53,060 --> 00:15:54,860
I don't know about that show, man.
339
00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:58,063
My house is small, and it's not that baller.
340
00:15:58,065 --> 00:15:59,798
I don't really want to put myself
341
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:00,999
on front street like that.
342
00:16:01,001 --> 00:16:03,068
You think people actually live like that?
343
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:05,637
Mtv puts celebrities in those houses for the day
344
00:16:05,639 --> 00:16:07,939
to get audiences to value stupid shit.
345
00:16:07,941 --> 00:16:09,774
- Word?
- You're perfect for it.
346
00:16:09,776 --> 00:16:11,710
We're gonna turn you into a baller.
347
00:16:11,712 --> 00:16:13,211
A baller?
348
00:16:16,216 --> 00:16:18,283
What's up, mtv?
349
00:16:18,285 --> 00:16:20,586
Come on in, you broke motherfuckers.
350
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,654
See how we livin'.
351
00:16:22,656 --> 00:16:24,223
Ah--ah.
352
00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:27,659
What you're stepping on is a marble foyer
353
00:16:27,661 --> 00:16:31,429
that was cut out of none other than space Mountain.
354
00:16:31,431 --> 00:16:32,931
Very rare.
355
00:16:32,933 --> 00:16:35,768
You like this coat?
356
00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:37,503
White panda.
357
00:16:37,505 --> 00:16:41,540
Hulk hogan choked one out for me in China for my birthday.
358
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:43,141
It's reversible.
359
00:16:43,143 --> 00:16:45,243
This side is bald eagle.
360
00:16:45,245 --> 00:16:47,112
Look at my chandelier.
361
00:16:47,114 --> 00:16:49,647
It's $2 million.
362
00:16:49,649 --> 00:16:51,550
It's made out of expensive chicken dinners
363
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:56,021
I've eaten over the years from baller-ass restaurants.
364
00:16:56,023 --> 00:16:57,522
Come with me.
365
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:59,157
Ha!
366
00:16:59,159 --> 00:17:02,093
You'll notice here, these are some African statues.
367
00:17:02,095 --> 00:17:03,561
I don't really fuck with Africa,
368
00:17:03,563 --> 00:17:05,030
'cause people are starving to death,
369
00:17:05,032 --> 00:17:06,564
and that's not baller to me.
370
00:17:06,566 --> 00:17:08,467
Come on, motherfuckers. Keep up.
371
00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:13,505
Now it's time to see my shoe collection.
372
00:17:13,507 --> 00:17:15,574
You know ballers love nice shoes.
373
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,876
Everybody got they dunks and they jords
374
00:17:17,878 --> 00:17:19,278
or whatever it is they wearing,
375
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,014
but, see, I like to cut the middleman.
376
00:17:22,016 --> 00:17:23,682
Fuck shoe closet;
377
00:17:23,684 --> 00:17:25,484
I got my own sweatshop, nigga.
378
00:17:25,486 --> 00:17:28,086
Goddamn!
379
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:31,390
I got these bitches working 16 hours straight.
380
00:17:43,904 --> 00:17:46,372
The heart of every house is the kitchen, right?
381
00:17:47,774 --> 00:17:49,074
What's that you say?
382
00:17:49,076 --> 00:17:50,775
You're a fan of archeology?
383
00:17:50,777 --> 00:17:52,077
Right here on the bottom shelf,
384
00:17:52,079 --> 00:17:55,580
you might recognize this as a tyrannosaurus Rex egg.
385
00:17:55,582 --> 00:17:58,150
There's only two of these left in the world.
386
00:17:58,152 --> 00:18:02,187
Each of these bitches is 4 million years old apiece, son.
387
00:18:02,189 --> 00:18:03,388
Goddamn.
388
00:18:03,390 --> 00:18:05,857
Rare. Very hard to find.
389
00:18:05,859 --> 00:18:08,727
And I happen to have both of 'em.
390
00:18:10,831 --> 00:18:15,000
Good God! Whoo-eee, that smell wild!
391
00:18:15,002 --> 00:18:16,067
Damn fool--
392
00:18:16,069 --> 00:18:17,602
goddamn!
393
00:18:17,604 --> 00:18:19,638
It's pulpy.
394
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,774
4 million year old meat, nigga.
395
00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:24,275
Goddamn, that shit smells wild.
396
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:26,311
I don't think this is gonna be enough for everybody.
397
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:27,746
I'm gonna get one more of these eggs.
398
00:18:27,748 --> 00:18:29,414
Y'all want to eat some dinosaur, nigga?
399
00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:30,783
Let's try it out.
400
00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:34,186
Damn, that shit stinks.
401
00:18:34,188 --> 00:18:35,654
Whoo!
402
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,125
Oh, my God, it's--
403
00:18:40,127 --> 00:18:41,126
I swear to--
404
00:18:41,128 --> 00:18:42,427
son, it's hatching.
405
00:18:42,429 --> 00:18:43,962
Oh, shit!
406
00:18:43,964 --> 00:18:46,432
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a 4 million year old egg.
407
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:47,900
Come on, girl. Push.
408
00:18:47,902 --> 00:18:49,033
Life.
409
00:18:49,035 --> 00:18:50,902
Life is happening, ladies and gentlemen.
410
00:18:50,904 --> 00:18:54,572
The first t. Rex that the world has seen in 4 million years.
411
00:18:54,574 --> 00:18:55,940
It's happening in my home.
412
00:18:55,942 --> 00:18:58,943
This is the most baller shit ever!
413
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:05,417
Yes. Yes.
414
00:19:05,419 --> 00:19:06,952
I just wish I had...
415
00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:08,187
My scissors!
416
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,221
Oh, I'm hungry, nigga. I'm hungry.
417
00:19:10,223 --> 00:19:11,724
Oh.
418
00:19:15,295 --> 00:19:18,197
Oh, nigga, that tastes baller. Oh.
419
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:19,397
Oh, hold up.
420
00:19:19,399 --> 00:19:20,498
Recipe ain't right...
421
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:21,833
Unless I make it right.
422
00:19:21,835 --> 00:19:22,967
This here's diamonds.
423
00:19:22,969 --> 00:19:25,771
I sprinkle diamonds on everything I eat.
424
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,707
One, it's the most baller shit
425
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,342
you could possibly do to your food,
426
00:19:30,344 --> 00:19:33,879
and two, makes my dookie twinkle, man.
427
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,914
'Cause it's baller!
428
00:19:35,916 --> 00:19:37,249
Baller!
429
00:19:37,251 --> 00:19:39,951
Thanks for coming by, cribs.
430
00:19:49,096 --> 00:19:50,962
We'll be back with more chappelle's show
431
00:19:50,964 --> 00:19:53,297
after these messages.
432
00:19:57,237 --> 00:19:58,837
Hey, help us, robot. Help us. Help us.
433
00:20:03,810 --> 00:20:05,110
Thank y'all for letting us
434
00:20:05,112 --> 00:20:07,646
come in y'all household every fucking week.
435
00:20:07,648 --> 00:20:09,547
And most of all, thanks for helping us all
436
00:20:09,549 --> 00:20:12,484
put closure to a great moment in comedy.
437
00:20:12,486 --> 00:20:13,785
That's coming from the heart,
438
00:20:13,787 --> 00:20:16,120
from everybody involved with chappelle's show.
439
00:20:16,122 --> 00:20:18,256
Thank y'all. Good night.
440
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:28,967
I'm rich, bi-atch!
441
00:20:30,570 --> 00:20:33,572
Bye. Thank you.
442
00:20:33,574 --> 00:20:36,542
My voice don't have quite the authority
443
00:20:36,544 --> 00:20:39,878
that I wish it would have, so I hired melle Mel
444
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:43,381
to punctuate my statements, 'cause I'm baller like that.
445
00:20:44,584 --> 00:20:45,951
That's right, you punk bitches.
446
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,452
It's powerful stuff.
447
00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:49,421
Like, if I'm in the bedroom with my old lady,
448
00:20:49,423 --> 00:20:51,523
and I might say, "flip over."
449
00:20:51,525 --> 00:20:52,523
She say, "what you say?"
450
00:20:52,525 --> 00:20:54,392
I said, "I said, 'flip over.'"
451
00:20:55,862 --> 00:20:57,896
And she be like, "how'd melle Mel get in the bed?"
452
00:20:57,898 --> 00:21:01,133
"That's none of your-- that's none of your business."
453
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:02,500
Ha!
31628
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof