All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E03.The.Plant.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-CtrlHD

First of all,
welcome to my office.

Now I think we all know
that most VIP guests

wouldn't be caught dead
at a motel like this,

no offense.

But I have been able
to secure...

a V-VIP guest.

Well, I'd go out on a limb
and say all of our guests

are very important, Alexis.

That's cute.

Anyway, Emir Kaplan is a very
influential travel blogger,

so it is of the utmost
importance

that we all make him feel
at home.

Hmm. Well, if he's looking
for that homey feeling,

I should just invite him
over for dinner.

Joce is making pot roast.

All he'd have to bring
is a couple of sides,

a bottle of wine,

and something nice
for the house.

Nothing cheap.

- "The Road Less Traveled?"
- It's a very famous blog.

He writes all about
the best eats, stays,

and attractions
off the beaten path.

Well, I don't want
to second-guess

your publicity skills
here Alexis,

but I don't think it would hurt

to tilt the scales
in our favour.

When we wanted to impress
people at Rose Video,

Okay.

Coffee break.

We'd sometimes hire actors
who would come in as plants,

pretending to be...
- Customers! Yes!

Walk around, talk up whatever
they're paid to talk up.

I know, I was once paid
to talk up

Heartblaster Energy Drink
at a Third Eye Blind concert.

I'm pretty sure we don't
have the budget for actors.

I mean, if you're looking
to pay some guy to lie

about how great this motel is,

I'm happy to step in.

- Do we need Roland?
- Stevie!

You can be the plant.

You look like someone who
just wandered in off the road.

Thanks.

And Johnny can be our Manager.

Okay, first of all,
you've gotta stop

with the Johnny business, okay?

And secondly, I am the Manager.

Okay, well, you should
probably start

getting into character, then.
Okay, thanks.

Knock, knock, everybody decent?

- Oh my God!
- Once again, Ray,

saying "knock knock"
is not the same thing

as actually knocking.

I'm just making breakfast,
and I wanted to know

if I should make extra
for you two.

- No, I think we're good.
- Yes...

Great! Door open, or closed?

Closed.

Okay, I thought you were
gonna talk to him about this.

I let very few people
see me before 9:00 AM.

I did. The "knock knock"
is him taking the note.

Well, you might want to
invest in a "lock lock" then.

Mm.

- Knock knock!
- Holy fuck!

I realized I don't have eggs,
but I do have pancake mix.

How do we feel about that?

Four, please.

David, you're constantly
talking about how much you eat.

But I've seen you walk from
the bedroom to the shower,

and you look fine.

Huh?

Okay Ray,
we-we might need a minute.

- Of course.
Door open, or closed?

Closed.

Wow!

Okay, this is not working
anymore.

I think it's time
we look for an apartment.

Oh. Okay, I mean...

if that's what you want.

Well, I think it's more
of a need at this point, David.

I've been thinking
about it for a while.

Oh.

Gentlemen, you're gonna laugh,

but I just remembered,
we do have eggs.

They're in the pantry,
next to the pancake mix,

which means they've been
sitting out for days.

Are we feeling lucky?

Can I still have the pancakes?

Yes!

- Ray!
- Patrick?

Door closed.

Of course.

And Zeljko says, you eat,

you expire pleasured.

You expire pleasured.

Okay.

What are we talking about today?

More Bosnia stories?

Yep, she never seems
to run out of 'em.

Twyla, do you think it might
be too much of an imposition

to ask the chef
to whip me up a kifla?

- What's a kifla?
- Oh, how best to describe it.

I don't think you need to.

Hi, y'all!

Oh, Ronnie, Moira,

I see you've ordered
without me, makes sense,

because I was seven
minutes late!

Well, we've yet to put in our
kifla order, if you're peckish.

Oh, I can't stay.

I actually might not be able
to make it to rehearsal today.

Roland was supposed
to watch the baby,

but he's got tied up
at the motel, so...

Oh Jocelyn, if you can't
make it rehearsal,

no one's gonna hold that
against you.

Yeah, the baby comes first.

Well, I just feel bad
because we really need

to rehearse that
Nine Inch Nails medley

for our concert
at "Yarn for Cheap."

I'd be more than happy

to spearhead that effort,
Jocelyn.

After collaborating so closely
with the director on "Crows,"

I feel even more finely attuned

to the fluctuations
of the human condition.

Okay, it's just, I thought
that was sort of my...

Even if you miss
a performance, Jocelyn,

there will be others!

And don't worry
about your solo, Jocelyn.

I know it by heart.

I actually sing it quietly
every time you do it.

- I know, Twyla.
And it's not that quiet.

Anyways, I guess I get
to sit this one out.

Aw, it looks like somebody's up.

No rest for the wicked.

Well, these days,
either he's crying, or I am.

Okay...

see you I-I-later.

Bye! Bye!

I'll get the door!
I'm-I'm sorry, excuse me.

Okay.

Welcome to the Rosebud
Motel, Mr. Kaplan.

Johnny Rose,
and it's a pleasure to uh...

Johnny is our Manager,

so just let me know
if you need anything from him.

And this is Roland, he is our
Guest Services Liaison.

Yes, and it's actually
pronounced "lee-as-on."

And my name is actually
pronounced "Ro-lahnd."

And if there's anything
you need, please tell me.

Room service, turndown service,
valet service...

Okay, Ro-lahnd,
those are a few items

that might be tricky
to pull off,

but we do have coffee
and pastries every morning.

Oh, great, that uh,

that should beat the black
mould I had for breakfast

at my last motel.

Ro-lahnd, why don't you
show Mr. Kaplan to his room?

Oh yes, formidab-le.

If you would uh, how do you say,

um, voulez-vous with me please.

I'll show you to your room.

Right this way, we have you
in our most deluxe suite.

Suite number four is uh...

Ah! Miss Felming... ton.

Enjoying your stay?

Yes.

Okay, Ro-lahnd, Johnny,

we should let our guests
continue chatting.

Ro-lahnd, this way.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I think you're really
gonna like it here.

It's clean,
and the service is good.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm just staying here
as a guest.

It's always good to know
who your neighbours are

in a place like this, you know,

it's kind of a roll
of the dice, but uh...

you seem somewhat normal.

- Thank you for saying that.
- Well.

Everyone agreed
that I was the normal one

in my cellblock
at the women's prison, so.

Oh, wow. Which prison?

Maybe you know my wife.

I don't-I'm kidding.
I don't have a wife...

anymore.
- Oh, disappeared?

I'll never stop looking.

I'm Emir.

- Stevie.
- Stevie, hi.

Stevie, nice to meet you.

Oh, David.

We have a V-VIP staying
with us at the moment.

So do you mind staying
at Patrick's tonight?

Your vibe can be a bit intense.

Um, excuse me? If anything,
I'm a selling point.

And Patrick's is a no-go.

If fact, he just texted me
the address

of a new apartment

that we might be going to see
together later, so.

Um, did I leave a Q-tip in,

or did you just tell me
that you guys are getting

an apartment together?

Hey, we're just going to look.

Yeah, and Adam Levine and
I just went for bubble tea.

I'm feeling very apprehensive
about the whole thing,

like, I never saw myself
living with someone.

That makes total sense,

considering how nobody
you dated ever expressed

any interest in that.

I'm pretty sure I can
think of someone.

By the end of the day, so.

David, I think this could
be good for you guys.

And also I know
you're thinking like,

Alexis is becoming
a major girl boss,

and is she just saying this
so she can expand

her home office when I move out?

I actually wasn't thinking
that at all.

Anyway, David,

your boyfriend asked you
to move in with him.

You do it.

I know.

Also, do you have like,
a timeframe

as to when that might happen?

No, I don't.

Yes! Yeah!

Oh my God, so moody.

Love it! Now, Ronnie?

The line has been changed to,

"I want to kiss you
like an animal."

I'll remember it on the day.

I say we wrap things up
on a high.

Ladies, scour your closets
for black leather.

Pleather accepted.

I'm here!

I've got a sitter!

Oh Jocelyn, I'm afraid
that dirigible has ascended.

But I'm here on time.

Yes you are,
but we started an hour early.

Ronnie has a massage.

You moved the rehearsal
for Ronnie's massage?

Well, it was also conducive
to Twyla's schedule.

It's hard for her to juggle,
what with the cafe.

- Oh, is it hard for her?
To juggle?

And none of you here
thought to tell me

about this little time change?

You said you couldn't make it
because of the bebe.

We could start rehearsal over.

Ohhh no!

Don't make any changes
on my account,

I mean, you've gotta
get to the cafe,

and Ronnie's gotta
have a massage!

I have sciatica.

I ran all over town
looking for a babysitter!

Oh...

Pulled a number off
a telephone pole.

She's a pet sitter, but she
said she'd make an exception.

I don't even know her last name!

Jocelyn, that sounds dangersome.

I didn't wanna miss
this rehearsal!

But do any of you care?
Apparently not!

Because all of you
have been acting...

like bunch of...

b-words!

Okay. Evidently,

one or two of you
have gotten under her skin.

I'll handle it.

Hey, Johnny?

Our VIP is still in his room,

so we should probably hold off
on the turndown service.

What turndown service?

Oh, that's just a little
something I've initiated

now that I'm Guest Services
Manager.

I thought you were a liaison.

No, I gave myself a promotion.

Hey Stevie, what's the intel?

Uh... well, I had a nap,

then a beer,

and now I need $40.

What are you doing,
buying a wedding dress?

Uh, Emir would like me
to go to lunch with him.

What? No!

You don't have to do that!
- Oh, jeez.

It's fine, it's just lunch.

No Stevie, this is going
way too far.

Um, what's going on?

Oh, Johnny's forcing Stevie

into a very uncomfortable
situation with a strange man.

Ugh. Okay fine, I'll tap in.

Who are we talking about?

Emir, and I'm fine to go.

Stevie, I would go
in your place, it's just,

my afternoon is gonna be
kinda crazy

with all the turndowns.
- No, I want to go!

So can I just have the $50?

I thought it was $40.

I also need shampoo.

Body lice, you know,
from the sheets,

that'll get you a bad review.

I've-I've contracted it
a few times, it's not pretty.

Wow, what I love
about this conversation

is how well it goes with lunch.

Yeah, okay, this is not
my A-material.

But then again, I don't
normally ask women out

when I'm on the job.

Okay, you're telling me

that you review motels
for a living,

and you've never met anyone?

Okay, this may shock you,
but uh...

a lot of the people
that you meet in motels

are not exactly like...

Not like what?

Well, they're not like you.

Oh, yeah.

Smart, charming,

dazzling sense of humour,

I was gonna say modest, but...

So what brings you to town?

Uh, just driving...

to meet my sister...

in Florida.

Anyway, what about you?

Do you like what you do?
- I do, for the most part.

You know, I like to keep
a low profile

when I'm on the road.

I find if people know that
I'm coming in advance,

they tend to put on a big show,

and I never know
what's genuine, so.

Yeah, that must be tough.

Okay, I don't even know where
to start with this menu.

I'm a plant.

I'm sorry?

You were talking about never
knowing what's genuine,

and uh...

I can't keep this up.

I work at the motel,

and my coworkers thought
it would be a good idea

for me to like,
talk up the motel.

Uh, but the more we talked,
the worse I felt.

So you cracked before
we even ordered drinks?

Yeah. It turns out
I'm really bad at this.

Ah.

Anyway, I'll leave you to lunch.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa,
hang-hang on a second.

Okay, look, the problem is,

I eat most of my meals
by myself.

So when there's a beautiful
woman sitting across from me,

even if she is a con artist,

I welcome the company.

Please.

Okay.

Gals, let's welcome
our dear friend, Jocelyn,

back into the circle.

Oh, should we be in a circle?

It's not top secret,

we all know Jocelyn
has trouble being honest.

Do we all know that?

Wrong word, okay. Authentic.

I think I can take it
from here, Moira.

All right, then.

Gals, since the baby,

things have just been
really tough.

That's good, that's good,
expand on that.

Okay, and I feel like
sometimes that my voice

isn't being heard in this group.

Touch louder, Jocelyn.

Just because I don't ask
for your help,

doesn't mean
that I don't need it!

Just a little more specific,
we're all here to help you.

Okay, okay, well, Ronnie.

I know that you've been getting
a lot of massages lately,

because they're supposed
to help with your bad back,

and stabilize your mood,

but I haven't noticed
an improvement!

And sometimes you sing
too softly.

Agree to disagree.

- And Twyla...
- I'm sorry, I'll sing louder.

Nope, you are singing too loud.

Wonderful, let it out, Jocelyn.

And Moira.

Okay, we can stop it there
for today.

We are all sick and tired
of hearing about Bosnia.

- Yep.
- It's Bosnia this,

and "Crows" that, and Blajka...

We're just grasping at straws
now, Jocelyn.

But this has been
a fruitful exercise,

don't we all feel better?

Look at Twyla,
look how moved she is.

Oh no, I'm fine.

I've actually seen a few
photos of this place,

it looks pretty good.

Yeah, the facade would
indicate otherwise,

but I trust you on this.
- Oh.

You know, when I moved here
and got a room with Ray,

I didn't know how long
I was gonna be staying.

- Mhmm...
- And now here we are.

For me this is bittersweet
because on the one hand,

I could lose you
as a roommate, Patrick,

but on the other,
I would gain the commission.

As you can see,
this is open concept.

Oh wow. It's good, eh, David?

I thought this was
the penthouse.

Uh, it is the top floor
of three floors.

You said this was a one-bedroom.

It is, in the sense
that it's a one-bed room.

Any more beds,
and you'd be in trouble.

Although bunk beds can be fun.
- Fireplace?

Yeah, which I'm sure would
heat the room quite quickly,

considering it's just one big...

open space.

I like the exposed brick.

It's actually a pretty
decent size.

Yeah. Speaking of size,

Ray, I've yet to see a closet.

Is there a... is there a walk-in
that I'm missing?

Oh, the closet
is right over here.

This is what small-space
realtors refer to as,

a "step-in" closet.

What do you think, David?

It's pretty perfect, huh?
- Yeah, it's pretty.

Y-yeah.

Not to jeopardize
our review any further,

but would you mind
not blowing my cover?

Don't worry, I got it.

Look who's back in da house!

Safe and sound, Ms. Felmington.

Feeling okay about everything?

That's a weird thing to say,

but yes, I am.

I turned down your bed for you,

but I didn't have
any chocolates,

so I left a doggie bag
of pot roast on your pillow.

Oh. Well, that's uh...

unnecessarily generous of you,
Ro-lahnd.

You know, I did have a couple
of requests, actually.

Yes, of course.

I was wondering if Ro-lahnd
could make a reservation

at the cafe tonight
for Ms. Felmington and I?

Uh... hm!

Do we have sign-off
from Ms. Felmington?

- We do.
- Great.

One more thing,
you mentioned room service,

I would love an English
breakfast tea to the room,

and maybe one
for Ms. Felmington.

Oh, absolutely.

Johnny, Emir would
like some tea,

and so would Ms. Felmington.

Yes, and I'll show you
where you can find that...

Ro-lahnd.

Mrs. Felmington, may I speak
with you for a minute?

I'm really tired, can this wait?

Mhmm.

Thanks.

Hm.

So, dinner tonight?

Yeah, yeah,
if it's all right with you,

I-I wouldn't mind getting
to know the real

Ms. Felmington a little more.

It is all right with me.

Although it is a little
unethical,

just between you and I,

so why don't I go write
this review,

and then I won't have
to feel guilty later?

- Okay.
- Okay? All right.

After you.
- Oh! Oh! That's...

not my room.

- Right, yeah, sorry.
I didn't mean to.

I mean, I know
it's like the first place

that we've looked at, but...

there's just something
very homey about it to me.

Yeah, a sentiment shared
by inmates,

after their first couple years
in jail.

Okay, so you hate it.

No. No.

No, it's just if I've learned
anything from "House Hunters",

you always to see
the loft space,

the charming English cottage,
and the renovated craftsman

that you don't really
wanna take,

but the producers are gonna
force you to see anyway,

before you make
any major decisions.

Gentlemen, I have one more
thing to show you.

How are we still
on this fucking tour?!

- Just...
- You'll thank me later,

but uh, no more worrying about
door open, door closed.

All you have to do
is open the curtain...

to the bathroom!

Ray, can we just have a moment?

Absolutely. I'll just wait
in the bathroom.

Curtain open, or curtain closed?

- Oh, closed!
- Closed, I think.

Mhmm.

Don't worry, we'll be putting
a door on there.

But I don't know if I wanna
put a door on the bathroom!

I don't know
if I love this place.

And I'm not just saying that

because the lack of closet space

will inevitably force us
to break up,

I just sorta feel like...

if we're going to be
moving in together,

we should both
be totally on board.

I totally understand, David.

Good.

It's just that I was looking
at this place like...

just for me.

Oh.

Okay, it's just that
you had said

that we were going to see
p-places.

Right, yeah, so like,
more of a general "we".

Because I knew that you'd be
staying over here quite a bit,

and that you'd probably
have an opinion about it.

Sure. Well then, you know,

in that case,
if this just for you,

and occasionally me,

I think it's cute.

Wait, does this mean that you
were ready to move in with me?

- No.
- No? Hmm.

No, it's a closet space,
and a timing thing.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

So... you know, maybe we can
negotiate down the line...

at some point.
- Hmm.

I can barely hear
your conversation.

Are we sure we want the door?

- Are you sure?
- Up to you.

There's a little piece
of press you might wanna read.

Oh, if I've died again,
I swear to God!

We are a "must-stay".

What?!

"The Rosebud Motel
is a must-stay

for any road-tripper,
or weary traveller.

This charming,
lovingly restored,

roadside motel is a welcome
pit-stop for anyone

looking for a clean room,
and first-rate hospitality."

Compared to what,
a haunted house?

"In fact, Johnny Rose and
his Guest Services Manager,

will go almost too far
out of their way

to ensure a pleasant stay."

How do I sign up
for this turndown service?

Is there a clipboard,
or something?