All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E02.Love.Letters.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-CtrlHD

John! Are you awake?

John!
- What? What's happening?

Your wayfaring thespian
has returned!

I-I don't wanna jinx anything,

but the shoot was a triumph.

The local Bosnians are calling
it a stunning reinvigoration

of the "Crows Have Eyes"
franchise.

That, of course,
is a loose translation.

Oh, well that sounds great,
sweetheart.

John, no need to get
out of bed, dear.

I'm sure you considered
planning a little more fanfare

for my return, but...

oh, it's best to ease back in.

It's 3:30 in the morning,

you said you were coming in
today at noon.

Yes! Noon Bosnian Mountain
Time, that is!

Which was several hours ago,
John.

Oh, and what a journey
it has been!

Production had me routed
through Nairobi

for some reason, and then
our plane was grounded

after flying through
a swarm of locusts.

I didn't want to miss
my third connection,

so I took a Bosnian upper
just to keep awake.

Those things are the size
of a nickel,

so I only took one,

at least, I think I did.

I may have taken a second one
just to be safe,

because I don't know if I took
that first one, or not.

Either way, I've been up since
eight am three days ago,

with time changes factored in,

and I couldn't be happier
to see you!

Oh!

Well Moira, it sounds
like a nightmare of a trip.

Why don't we leave
the unpacking 'til tomorrow,

and just get some rest?

Good idea.

Kids!

- No Moira, it's 3:30.
- David!

Alexis!

- Oh! Who is it?
- Oh my God, what?!

I don't know what you kids
are still doing up so late.

I didn't want to disturb you,

I just wanted you to know that
Mummy got home safe and sound!

- Okay, good night.
- Great.

Okay, if you insist,
one quick story.

So, day three of shooting,
Hamza and I

find ourselves stuck
in a hail storm...

Oh my God, not tonight,
thank you, though.

I'm sorry kids, your mother's
had a rough couple of days.

Moira, why don't we get to bed,
sweetheart?

Ooh, frisky, John.

- Oh! Bye!
- Ewww!

Eww.
- Ugh!

No! No one would believe this!

These cannot be real!

What's going on?

Well, instead of sleeping
last night,

I decided to just power
right through.

You know, best to round up
to an even four days.

And while I was doing some
light reorganization,

I came upon this stack
of love letters

written to your father
by another woman.

Okay.

Best not to be concerned,
Alexis.

I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all of this.

- Sure there is.
- Yes. Some of them!

Some of them are even funny!

Listen. Where's that one?
Oh! Read this.

"Dearest John-John,

I'm lying here, stuck, sweaty.

All I can think about is you,

and the last night we spent
together,

bed shaking..." ew!

Why are you making me read this?

- I know, right?
- Eugh!

Before your father met me,

he was not quite so selective.

I hesitate to add,
he even had a predilection

for boom boom girls!

Okay, I would like to remind you

that I don't have
a therapist anymore.

No, as you said,

there's a logical explanation
for all of this.

No, you've said that like,
three times now.

So I think it's probably
for the best

that we put these down,
and we go have a nap, okay?

- Yes. You're right.
- Mhm.

You're right, Alexis,
you're always so right.

Okay.

All right...

Just a few more,
just to lull me to sleep.

That's all.

Good morning.

Is there something I can
help you with?

Yeah, I'd like you to open
your cash register,

and give me your money!

Okay, small problem.

Um, our money isn't for sale.

- I'm robbing you!
- Thought so, yeah. Um...

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Hey! Hey! Where do you think
you're going?!

Here.

So here's the problem.

Our till doesn't currently
have any cash in it,

because my partner
is at the bank

getting money for the float.

What about you,
what do you have?

A wallet full of debt.

Can someone put something
in a bag, please?!

Um, we only have cloth totes,
I hope that's okay.

- Whatever!
- Would you like some wine?

Okay, yeah, yes, put some
booze in a bag.

Do you drink red wine,
or white wine?

Maybe some chilled rose
in the back?

I'll get it!

I'm not letting you go
into the back!

What else?

Cheese goes good with wine.

Suddenly she's a sales
associate.

Would you like some cheese?

Uh yeah, I'll take some cheese.

God forbid he be specific.

I guess throw in some brie,

some aged cheddar.

Uh, that tapenade goes good
with the brie.

Tapenades, great,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Do you have bad skin?
- Yeah, sure, just hurry it up!

There you go.

Could you help the man
with the door?

His hands are full.
- Sorry.

Thank you.
- Okay, thank you.

Why do I feel like we did
something wrong?

Look at you all dressed up,
Mr. Sporty Spice.

Uh yeah, I'm dressed for the run

that we're supposed to be
going on,

but I don't think
you can run in those.

Tell that to me at 21,
escaping the yakuza.

So that's a no on the run, then?

Okay, honestly Ted,
I've had a very traumatic

morning at home, so going
on a run is like,

the last thing that I wanna do.
Also, I forgot.

Okay well, that's actually
like, scary,

because we texted about it
twice last night,

and twice this morning,
but anyway,

is everything okay?

Like, other than reading
some very porny love letters

that someone sent my dad, sure.

Like, who holds on
to things like that?

I've held on to some things.

Oh my God, should I be worried?

Well, I-I did keep
this waterproof watch

that Heather gave me.

Okay, I asked if I should
be worried.

I don't know, I think
it's kind of romantic

to hang on to things
from old relationships.

I've certainly kept
some things from our past.

Ted!

I take it that you haven't?

Um, harsh. I for sure have.

Yeah, it's just that
your face is doing

some really weird stuff
right now.

No... because you put me
on the spot!

There's like, a very long list
of things that I've kept.

Oh, really.

Like what?

Like... that empty book
that you gave me.

- The journal?
- Yes! The journal.

And very likely some jewelry.

Like a ring, or...

- A locket?
- Yes.

The locket you gave me.

I kept that the most.

Oh yeah, it's just funny,

I don't think I've ever
seen you wear it.

I'm just so scared of losing it.

That makes sense.

Okay, well,
you have a run to go on,

so I should probably go
and update my journal.

You've never written
in a journal, have you?

No, but um,

one time I did do a book report
on David's diary,

and it was very dark. Okay.

Jocelyn!

Moira, you're back.

Did you just let yourself in?

I have been knocking
on your door

since the beginning of time!

Although now that
I'm standing here,

it's equally possible that
I didn't knock at all.

I suppose we'll never know,
will we?

Ah! Sorry. I just need to...

catch my breath.
- Oh, as do I.

I don't know if you know
what it's like to be mortally

deprived of one's sleep!

I haven't slept in eight months.

- Why's that?
- Because of the baby.

I've had a bit of a rebirth
myself, in Bosnia.

I hope it wasn't as painful
as mine.

The music, Jocelyn.

In Bosni-wood, as the industry
will soon be calling it,

I... I picked up some beautiful
Sevdah,

that I absolutely must teach
to the Jazzigals!

Would you like to hear me sing

a traditional love song?

I-I would, it's just
the baby's sleeping, so...

Shhh...

Yeah... it's a sad one.

I would be feeling it too,
if I knew...

what the heck you were
singing about.

Oh...

What are these?

Oh, just some old love letters,

written by another woman,

onto which John has been
clutching.

Wow, I have been down this road.

I once found a bag of Roland's
ex-girlfriends' bras.

Burned them.

Except for the ones
that were my size.

But this is incomparable,
Jocelyn,

there's a perfectly logical
explanation for this!

Oh, there always is.

Woo! Wow.

This little "butterfly"
is quite the writer.

It's like 50 Shades
of Johnny Rose!

Holy cow.

You know, I've never
been robbed before,

and I had friends that
lived in Brooklyn.

Yeah... that was a robbery,
right?

I mean, we were robbed.

Right?
- Yeah!

Someone walked out of here
with two bags of product,

I mean, I don't know
what else you'd call it.

I mean, he had a weapon, right?

Yeah! Yes.

I mean, it must've been
in his pocket,

because he used both hands
to carry the bags

out of the store, but...

I can't believe you just
offered him the wine.

You offered him the skincare,
I mean,

we don't know what was going on
under that mask!

He could've had perfect skin.

I can't believe this happened,

I was gone for like, 45 minutes.

Are you guys sure you're okay?

Surprisingly, yes.

- Yeah, I'm not.
- Thanks.

I'm very startled.

It just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, I can understand
taking the wine,

but who steals a jar
of tapenade?

And the brie?!
- Yeah, the brie.

Stevie? The brie?

Well, at least we know
if the cops don't get him,

his cholesterol will.

Well, there's no need to keep
talking about it now.

You guys are gonna have to go
through this all again

in much more detail when
the police get here.

Yeah, I um,

I don't know if going
to the police is...

is necessary at this point.

If we want any insurance money

for the things that were stolen,

you have to explain everything
to the police.

I was pretty much in the back

while all of this was going
down, so...

Mm, I remember you being
pretty involved, actually.

Yeah well, between
the two of you,

I'm pretty sure you can piece
it together.

Yeah. Right? So...

Hey, Twy?

I've always admired your
jewelry game.

You just like,
pick a few pieces,

and just and wear them to death.

Oh, if you're talking about
my earrings the clasp broke,

so I actually physically
cannot take them off.

Okay, I am experiencing
the same problem.

All of my jewelry is boring.

Is that what I said?

So way back when,
all of my girlfriends and I

used to throw the diamonds
we got from our parents

on a table, and just do like,
a big jewelry swap.

I wish I had someone
in this town to swap with.

Yeah, I used to think that
a lot growing up,

when I'd see other kids
with their families.

Okay, you just gave me
a great idea!

Why don't we do a jewelry swap?

Well, I do have a large
collection

of my grandfather's hospital
bracelets.

Yum! Um, but I also love

that cute little locket
around your neck.

Well, that makes sense,

because you gave it to me
for Christmas,

and I wear it every day.

Yeah, and I always think like,

what would I look like in it?

S-so do you want the locket?

No, Twy, I got it for you.

But what I'm saying is,
let's swap for it.

I have a toe ring that would
look so cute on you!

We're not allowed to wear
open-toed shoes, but um...

maybe I could...

take that bracelet?

Yes!

Um, I actually got this
in a swap with Sienna Miller.

And by that I mean it fell off
her wrist at a Halloween party,

and I kept it.

Well, maybe I could come over
on my lunch break,

and we can swap some more stuff!

Yes, Twy!

I mean, I actually thought
this would be like,

a one-for-one situation,

but if you want to open it up...

let me help you with that.
- Oh, that's okay, I got it.

No, the necklace.

Oh, right now?

Okay...

- What are you doing?
- Uh...

word on the street is that

you're in a little hot water
with Moira, huh?

No, everything's fine
with Moira.

I just thought she was coming
in today.

Look Johnny, everybody likes
to take trips down memory lane,

but you gotta get rid
of the evidence.

Do you know what a burnt
underwire smells like?

Okay, Roland,

I actually don't know
what you're talking about.

Those spicy letters
from Miss Butterfly

that you left out
for Moira to find.

How do you know
about those letters?

Well, Moira's out
showing 'em around town.

Jocelyn's read 'em.

She told me about some very
racy parts, young man.

Moira is showing my letters?

Yeah, I was talking
to Bob about it.

Why were you talking
to Bob about it?!

We're trying to save
your marriage, bud!

Although, Gwen thinks
it's probably a lost cause.

She's thinks you might
be a sexaholic.

Okay, first of all,

everyone should mind
their own business,

and stay out of my affairs.

Affairs, plural? Oh.

There's no affair, okay?

Now, would you unlock the door,
and open the blind?

Jeez, Johnny,
I'm on your side, pal.

Unless things get messy,

in that case, I'm gonna be
on Moira's side.

So I guess it was
sort of like a...

a low end poly-blend
hooded sweatshirt,

in what I could only describe
as an aubergine colour.

And just in case
he changes his outfit,

do you have a rough idea
of his physical description?

Right, um...

Well, I guess, my build.

- That's being generous.
- If I was at my goal weight.

Officer, they mentioned
there was a weapon involved.

Can you describe the weapon?

You describe it.

Well, if there was a weapon,
it was concealed.

Yeah, so you know, it's-
it's sort of hard to describe

a concealed weapon.

Yeah, I mean, if we could
tell you what it looked like,

he wouldn't be doing a good job
of concealing it.

Yeah!

So let me get this straight.

You have no idea
what it looks like,

or whether there was one
in the first place.

You guys said you were held up!

Emotionally!

I mean, I don't know
if there was a gun,

but it was still a robbery,
he was wearing a mask.

And would we all not agree
that words are weapons?!

Okay, so you offered the wine,

and you offered the cheese
and the tapenade,

and there was no gun?

This guy just sounds like
a lucky customer, David!

You know what? I am just
gonna...

file this report,
and you can follow up

if you have any more
information.

Yes...

So you upsold the robber.

- I did not!
I didn't even tell him

about the vintage wines
we have in the back.

- Oh.
- Speaking of...

I think we should probably
open one of those bottles,

just to calm the nerves.

Yeah, I thought you had
to go to work.

Great. Great stuff, you guys.

- Can I have some more popcorn?
- Oh, sure.

Oh, don't worry, I'll get it.

I uh, see you're wearing
the locket.

Oh! I don't know, am I?

Oh, right.

Well, you proved me wrong,
Alexis.

And I have to say,
I'm actually kind of relieved,

because that means that you
also kept favourite photo

of the two of us.

I keep that photo in a locked
folder on my phone.

No, no, I'm talking about
the one in the locket.

Hmm!

Now, this appears to be
a photo of Twyla?

Yes... I put that there.

Because Twyla is an important
friend.

And Twyla's mom?

Is her important friend.

You gave the locket
to Twyla, didn't you?

Okay, I would've kept it.

But the necklace
just kept reminding me

of all the bad things
that I'd done,

and then Twyla gave me
a Christmas gift,

and I didn't have anything
to give her...

Okay, Alexis, I think
we should just agree

to stop feeling bad
about our past,

and just focus on the future.

Yes, Ted.

And, in that spirit,

I should probably tell you that
I didn't actually keep

everything that you gave me.

That's fine.

Yeah, after the breakup, I uh...

well, I took some of your stuff
to the incinerator,

along with some pets that
needed to be cremated.

- Ew.
- And you think you feel bad?

The wallet that you gave me
was still in there,

and I had forgotten to take
some of the cards out,

and I was actually only one
stamp away from a free sub, so.

Okay well, if it makes you
feel any better,

that was David's wallet.

Well, well, "John-John" returns.

Okay, Moira, don't tell me
you still haven't slept.

What would give you
that impression?

Sweetheart, you've got
to find a way

of getting some sleep!

Easier said than done, John,

when your only husband
is longing for

his epistle-writing inamorata.

You know what,
if you had taken a nap,

and cleared your head,

instead of running around town

showcasing our personal
business...

When we were herded
from our home,

and forced to grab what few
precious items we could,

you chose to grab those letters!

- That's right.
- Who is this woman?!

Oh... okay.

If you must know,

she's someone who's very
important to me.

Oh?

Moira, you wrote those letters!

Don't be absurd,
that is not my writing!

It was that week
on "Sunrise Bay"

when Vivian Blake
had her accident,

you were in a body cast, they
wouldn't let you take it off.

You were writing
with your left hand!

The spelunking incident.

No.

It was after she got thrown
upwards through a skylight.

Look...

"I'm lying here in bed,

I can't move, I miss you."

It's all there, Moira.

You're telling me none
of this rings a bell?

In my defense, John,

I had asked for actual
painkillers,

to help ease me into
my character's plight.

But why are you reading
them now?

I was missing you,

so I took out the letters,

because reading them made me

feel like you were still
here with me.

Oh, you're too sweet.

Unfortunately, we're going
to have to stick with

my version of the events.

What? Why would we do that?

I don't want anyone thinking
I wrote these!

Well, I don't want people
thinking I'm reading

some other woman's love letters!

Well, it'll give you an edge.

No one will ever accuse you
of being vanilla again.

Who's saying that?

Now kids, I understand
you both have read

a somewhat adult-themed
correspondence

between a loving wife
and her husband?

Yeah, and I'd prefer if you
could stop talking about it.

This is why I think it's best
to torch everything

from past failed relationships.

I'd hardly call this a failed
relationship, David.

We're still here,
35 years later.

Okay, here we go.

I know you asked for a small,

but I "swapped it" for a large.

Twyla, may I say,
you are looking very chic.

Would you look at that?
That looks like the tiara

you wore at your bat mitzvah,
Alexis.

Well, I had a little help
from a friend.

We should probably coordinate
a time

to swap everything back.

Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.

And what exactly did you get
out of this fun swap?

I got Twyla's step-brother's
dog tags.

- And a whistle.
- Caw! Caw!

Oh!

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's just sleeping.

Well, I'm ready to order.

Okay, can somebody close
her eyelids, at least?

Please?