Original subtitles

[music playing]

[rapid motion]

[rapid motion]

[rapid motion]

[grunting]

[sigh]

[heavy breathing]

[gasping]

Ah!

[music playing]

Oh!

Check out that resolution.

Damn!

- Hey, Michael-- - Oh, uh--

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, babe.

Check out this new camera.

Isn't it awesome?

Now we can make that sex film, like we've been talking about.

It'd be more like a short film.

Think about it.

Catching our first time on film.

You know, I'm almost glad you made me wait a year and a half

to have sex.

Michael, you know I have issues.

Wait, wait.

Can you say that again?

What?

Why?

This is all part of the film, baby.

So look right into the lens.

OK.

And say it one more time.

With feeling.

Michael, you know I have--

issues.

Freaking brilliant, baby.

If this is as hot as I think it's going to be,

we could win the Grand Jury Prize

at the Cumdance Film Festival.

You think we could win?

Oh, yeah.

And just to get you in the mood--

oh!

Prepare for Humpfest 2011, baby!

Are you serious?

It's nice.

Oh my god.

I got it all planned out, baby.

Wow.

First I'll go down on you in the bedroom.

Then we'll 69 in the kitchen.

Blowjob in the foyer.

I gotta tell you that, um--

And then in the living room--

I invited priests over to bless the house.

Hello.

Uh--

This one's going up on Gracebook.

Why do we need the house blessed?

Michael, I told you about the--

thing. - What thing?

The evil spirit that haunts her when she gets aroused.

Duh.

Can you please leave?

We don't need any blessings here.

Dick.

[scoffing]

Look, we'll be fine.

We're in your uncle's house.

What could go wrong?

[clattering]

That was weird.

You don't see that every day.

Arf.

Ah!

Uh, it doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything, baby.

So are you, uh, ready to board the pleasure train?

I'm not in the mood.

Wait.

Can you say that one more time, but like, more in the mood?

I'm not in the mood.

Perfect.

Yeah, but no, seriously, I'm not in the mood.

Ah.

We look so perfect in these photos.

I hope nothing ever happens to them.

She's already in the shower.

Maybe if I join her, she'll go with it.

If this goes right, showering will

become the new water sport.

What the hell?

Hey, babe.

What is this, "Cops?"

No.

I'm just testing out a new bathing suit.

Uh, why are you-- why are you getting naked?

Well, I thought that, you know--

No.

No, get out.

Well, at least give me something for the trailer.

Out, Michael.

God!

Rolling?

So I don't know how to tell Michael this,

but I just haven't been in the mood lately,

since we moved into this house.

OK, I've been having these erotic dreams at night,

and I've been waking up totally satisfied.

Maybe it's just nerves.

I do wish we'd had those priests bless this house, though.

You know, just to be safe.

I still feel this weird, evil presence.

It's been haunting me ever since I was 15,

and lost my virginity in that slip and slide accident.

[beeping] What the hell is--

Now, I want the explosion to occur right as I come, OK?

Michael, what's going on here?

Oh I'm just upping the production

value of our sex video.

You know, that is, whenever you're ready, baby.

But uh, the teamsters get time and a half

if you wait more than eight hours, so--

Cool.

Listen to this one.

How many production assistants does it

take to screw in a lightbulb?

What's a lightbulb?

[laughter]

It's a PA!

It's going to be so good, baby.

And this guy-- this guy right here.

Here we go.

Hold it, and-- cut.

That's great.

And keep these off my cart, please.

Uh-- it--

this is a prop.

This is just a prop.

This is-- wait, this--

Now, I want you to meet Bandit Arcadia.

KASEY: OK.

MICHAEL: He's making a feature film

of me filming the documentary of us filming a sex tape.

What?

I'm so confused.

Who came up with this?

Bandit, this is Kasey.

Hi.

Hi.

And, uh-- who's this?

This is your stand in.

Here.

Stand in. Here.

Will you film here? - Sure.

Great.

Hi.

She's also your stunt double, for some of the more

dangerous positions.

Plus she's, uh-- she's my fluffer.

Oh, you got a fluffer?

Well, yeah.

You know, I knew you'd be upset, so I got someone

who looked exactly like you.

Give me this camera.

You stay right there.

Great.

Are my boobies gonna be in the shot?

Of course they are.

Give me some spot.

Is this a green screen?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna have an animated vampire

with big vampire tits to do the doggystyle scene.

Just to keep it interesting, you know?

Michael, isn't this a little over our budget?

Actually, we're under.

OK, this is nuts.

We should just have sex, the two of us.

With one camera. Like God intended.

You know, you're right.

Let me go get my fluffer, OK?

You know what, congratulations, Michael.

Well, for what?

For yet again getting me out of the mood.

Oh-- Can you say that one more time?

No, I can't.

Come on!

Hey!

Make sure you get the money shot, yeah?

Just get the girl.

What?

We're still getting paid, right?

Don't mess with the union.

[beeping]

Oh, hello.

I didn't see you there.

OK, I know I go a little overboard sometimes,

but it's only because I care so much about Kasey.

We met online, playing "Wizards of Warcraft."

She was a third degree sorceress,

and I was a eunich with gum disease.

She said she fell for me because my screen name, Demon Sack,

was sexy.

I guess she thinks my dorky side goes

well with her sense of humor.

She's really special.

What a sweet rack.

Am I right? Ladies?

Am I right?

Oh, oh!

[coughing]

So um--

Nope.

Still not in the mood, Michael.

Fine.

How about now?

Michael, I'll tell you if I'm in the mood.

That's cool.

Got lots of things to do, anyway.

Lots of things.

And no masturbating, OK?

I would never masturbate.

Yeah, OK.

Listen, buddy, I do your laundry.

You're the only guy I know who uses three socks a day.

Ah!

Gotta go.

I gotta go.

What the fuck is happening?

Why can I do to take my mind off sex?

Sex.

Sex. Sex.

Sex.

[shouting] Kasey, why won't you do me when I want to do you,

but you won't do me, cause Kasey,

you don't love me, love me, love me.

Kasey, you don't love me.

Forgive me, Mother, for I am sinning again.

Oh-- I'm sinning.

Oh!

[music playing]

Kasey, come back to me.

KASEY: Michael? MICHAEL: Shit.

Sorry.

You might as well just put it away.

Nothing's happening.

Oh, come on.

[bang]

What the hell was that?

MICHAEL: I don't know.

Let's go investigate.

Cujo?

Cujo?

You don't look scared at all.

Give me something to work with.

Shut up.

There might actually be somebody here.

What's that?

What do you see?

It's a used cock ring.

Is this yours?

You know I don't wear rings on my cock.

Why are you still touching it?

I don't know.

There's something about it that really turns me on.

Say something sexy, Michael.

Uh-- You know I don't wear rings on my cock.

Do you want to?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I do.

I love rings all over my cock.

Let's go upstairs.

Get ready for a smooth ride, baby.

Cause I just got my scrotum botoxed.

Again.

Oh, so that's why the expression's always the same.

Say that again, you little dirty vixen!

Oh-- Oh, yeah.

Oh-- let me take off my clothes.

Michael, hurry.

Come on, come on.

How many pairs of boxers do you have?

Just one more.

Here I come, baby!

Oh, yeah!

You like that?

Oh, yeah.

That move's illegal in 12 states.

Here I come. I'm coming to get ya.

Coming to do ya.

Coming to love ya. Ah!

Oh, yeah.

Receive the seed of Thor!

Thor!

Oh-- Was it good for you, baby?

Kasey?

Are you doing Sudoku?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Did I miss another shot?

No.

Come back later.

What's with that guy?

You hired him.

I don't know.

So what's wrong?

Michael, I-- I just don't think I can be comfortable

with this wacky presence thing.

What the hell?

I certainly won't be able to orgasm till it's gone.

Someone stopped recording while we were having--

while I was having sex.

I'll bet it was that wacky presence thing.

You know, I'm starting to think

there is no wacky presence.

Maybe it's me.

Oh, Michael, that's not true.

Then maybe it's you.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Maybe you're frigid.

As an icy.

Cold.

Bitchy.

Well, your technique is so terrible,

it looks like you're having an epileptic seizure.

Oh, epileptic seizure?

Speech impediment, my name is Kasey.

I can't talk right.

"Fudok-you."

Evil spirit.

Let's see what my camera has to say about that.

Oh, I had no idea I sleepwalk.

Wait there's more.

Wow.

On film your boner really turns me on.

Were you dreaming about me?

Yeah.

Of course.

Well, this isn't the supernatural shot

I was looking for, but it's entertaining as hell.

Wait a minute.

This is exactly what my film needs.

Comic relief.

I'm going to keep filming us at night.

This is gold, baby.

No, you're not.

Michael, this is real. - Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

In the meantime, I'm going to get

proactive about our sex life.

Oh, yeah?

What's that supposed to mean?

You'll see.

[typing]

Before, Michael, I dated a lot of bad boys.

Uh-- strip club bouncer, a motorcycle gang member.

The anti-Christ.

Sorry.

I meant Andy Greist.

He was an insurance adjuster, and a member of Fight Club.

Oh, I just broke the first rule.

Bad boys were exciting, but I needed somebody

who would make me feel safe.

And what drove me into Michael was

his intelligence, his sweetness, his sense of humor.

He does lack a little confidence in the bedroom, however.

Every time I pleasure him, he always apologizes for the mess.

In writing.

With an enclosed gift card, and a muffin basket.

And I don't eat carbs.

MICHAEL: Honey, I'm home.

Hey.

Where you been?

You've been gone all day.

[humming]

Voila.

What's up?

Well, I thought about our little sexual dysfunction,

and it occurred to me is all you need is proper stimulation.

You know, that'll take your mind off the ghosts, or demons,

or whatever else is bothering you.

OK.

Um-- well, what's htis?

Sex toys.

Ah-ha!

Oh, I don't know.

Look, look.

I got one to fit every shape and size.

Now, see, we got anal beads in case we

want to change things up a bit.

Black penis.

AN Asian penis.

A butt plug.

I have no idea what this is, but I'd be so willing to find out.

What's this?

Oh, that's cool.

And this?

I got a whip, a boomerang. La la la!

Shaw!

Michael.

We got a-- whee!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this thing probably doesn't work.

Oh, maybe it does.

Stop!

We don't need sex toys.

I'm not even sure some of those are sex toys.

Wait.

I forgot the best one.

Yeah, baby.

- A blow up doll? - Yeah.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Is that Sarah Palin?

Pre-blown.

What was that?

It's time to go kill the dragon.

Monster. Demon.

Minority.

Shit.

Why the hell are you doing laundry so late?

Hey, every time you blow a load, I have to do a load.

Hey.

Film me.

Film me going in there.

That'd be great.

[shouting]

KASEY: Michael!

There's socks everywhere!

Ah!

KASEY: What the hell is that?

Obviously you're not a golfer.

It sounds like a low grumbling noise,

coming from the living room.

[shouting] - No!

Michael!

It's just my meditation CD.

Oh.

Wait.

Say that again.

Look.

Just my Low Grumbling Noise meditation CD.

Case closed.

For now.

Until next time.

[shouting] Was that funny?

No.

You know, Michael, I was thinking--

maybe I am crazy.

Maybe there's nothing supernatural

going on in this house.

I'm starting to believe you're right.

There's definitely an evil presence around here

that coul djump out at us at any moment.

[shouting]

Oh my god, Michael.

That's not funny.

You really scared me.

Yeah.

Wait a sec.

Why are my nips hard?

I think there's something really sexy about that mask.

Put it on again.

Come here, my little sex goblin.

[moaning]

We're finally doing it!

I'm king of the underworld!

KASEY: Oh, god.

I'm gonna come.

[moaning]

[bang]

Ah!

Wow.

That was so awesome.

- The sex? - No.

Your face. You were so scared.

That was pure, unadulterated horror.

I gotta get a close up on that.

Do that again, can you?

[screaming]

Oh, there you go.

That's perfect.

No, Michael.

I think I really heard footsteps in the hallway.

Shh.

Yeah, yeah.

You see anything?

No.

Ah!

We're OK.

We have made it down the hallway.

We're gonna go have sex now.

Wait a minute.

Did you do that?

KASEY: No.

There must be an explanation for this.

Maybe some hoodlums broke into the house,

messed up the entire house, then they put everything else back.

Except this. - Come on.

I still can't believe you don't think something

supernatural is going on here.

Hoodlums?

Really?

- Hoodlums. - Hoodlums?

- I used to be one. - Oh.

OK.

Now, let me take you downtown.

Mm.

Now, where were we?

Wait.

The mask.

Oh.

Uh-- I could have sworn I left it right here.

What-- what the--

Where are you?

Where are you, you son of a bitch?

We'll just have to do it without it.

It's OK.

Uh-- Michael?

You know, I'm not really in the mood anymore.

What?

Goodnight.

But-- Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen.

This is what my film needs.

Conflict.

We're exactly where we want her to be right now.

I'll get her. Don't you worry.

What the hell?

Get your tongue out of my girlfriend!

Michael?

Huh?

Michael, what the hell are you doing?

I was just having the best oral sex dream ever.

That wasn't a dream!

There was something in this bed giving you head.

Hey, that rhymes.

Oh my god.

It must have been the demon.

He sure knows how to use that split tongue.

Hey, that's why I haven't been in the mood lately.

I've been getting pleasured every night.

Now do you believe me, Michael?

Look, I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Kasey.

Every night?

OK, this demon is obviously obsessed

with your blood diamond.

We have to do something about this, pronto.

I don't think we should have sex until we

figure out what's going on.

That is a--

terrible idea.

Well, then I think it's time we call a professional.

I like the way you think.

[doorbell]

You ordered a professional?

Uh, she looks-- smart.

- Yeah. - Hi.

Come in, Miss--

"Hookay."

Oh, uh, French, is it?

Michael told me about your problem,

and I think I can help.

I, uh, charge extra for filming.

Just so you know.

That's no problem. Come in.

Have a seat.

So, do you make house calls often?

Oh, houses, hotels, officers.

A space shuttle.

I go where I'm needed.

Space shuttle?

Oh, it wasn't that impressive.

Believe me, double teaming in zero gravity

is not all it's cracked up to be.

Double teaming?

Oh, you have a partner. OK.

That's nice.

Now, let me ask you a question.

Do you feel anything in this house?

Well, my nipples are erect.

Oh.

I didn't know that was a sign of evil spirits.

Mhm.

Um, are they trying to communicate something?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

They are saying-- feel me.

Taste me.

This is hot.

That's a strange thing for a demon to say.

OK.

Can we exorcise them?

Uh-- Yeah.

Sure.

Cardio, anaerobic.

We can do whatever you want to them.

OK. Great, then.

Um-- let's just get started.

You got it.

Whoa!

What are you doing?

Are you going to participate, or just watch?

Uh--

Michael, I thought you were going to hire a professional.

She is a professional.

Yeah.

A hooker.

Uh--

Nametag.

I thought that's what you meant.

Hire a professional to help us with our sex issues.

No, Michael.

Our demon issues.

You know, like a psychic, or something.

Oops.

I am very intuitive.

Get out.

I'm still charging you for the full amount.

Well, OK.

In that case, then, can you exercise your breasts again?

I want to get a better angle, maybe.

Out!

Michael, we need a psychic.

[knocking]

[sigh]

We're not tipping you!

I hear you need a psychic.

Whoa.

That was cool.

You sensed it. - No.

I just heard you through the door.

No.

Actually, I'm a registered sex offender,

and an amateur psychic.

I am legally obligated to inform you that I am

moving into the neighborhood.

Hey, neighboors!

Well, come in, I guess.

OK.

No.

No.

I can't be here. - What?

Is it the camera?

No.

Are you upsetting the evil presence?

Hm? No.

Oh, no. It's my ankle monitor.

No.

I can't get more than 500 yards from my house.

Oh.

Could you still help us?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

No.

I'm not a very good psychic.

But I do know some good card tricks.

OK?

Is this your card?

We never chose a card.

But I sense you would have chosen this.

How did you do that?

Please leave.

If one more person comes through that door--

[knocking]

Oh.

Beat it, perv!

Excuse me?

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

Oh, are you here to help us with the termites?

Hell no.

I'm a Ghostbuster.

Specifically an Ernie Hudson impersonator.

Is that the black one?

Man, obviously I'm black.

You didn't have to say the black part.

Sorry.

African-American Ghostbuster.

Can we help you?

You need a psychic, right?

You're a psychic?

Why not?

Can't a black man be a psychic?

Hey.

[inaudible]

Should we give him our wallet?

What?

- OK. - Oh, yeah.

Of course. - Totally.

Totally. - Sorry.

Once I get going on this Ray stuff, it's hard to stop.

Let me check this house.

Oh, yeah.

Just come on in.

Being an Ernie Hudson impersonator

isn't as steady as you'd think it would be.

So I have to supplement my income

with this, and with that.

I'm also a notary, a drywall contractor,

and I pick the seeds out of chronic.

That's good.

Well, do your thing, Mr. Hudson,

and please let us know if you see anything supernatural.

Wait.

This is exactly what my film needs.

You don't mind if I film you, do you?

Of course not.

Interesting.

What?

Do you sense spirits?

No.

Mold.

You gotta take care of this as soon as possible.

This stuff is nasty.

Why do you wear that full Ghostbuster gear?

Because it makes me feel pretty.

You got a problem with that?

- No. - No.

No, I don't.

So do you guys want a house reading, or what?

Yes.

So what do we do first?

You got some weed?

This card means that there's a great love between you two.

And this card means that there's some force

trying to keep you apart.

What kind of force, sir?

The cards don't say, man.

Damn.

You know what?

I'm about to bring out the big guns.

Fuck this.

Is that your Ghostbuster gun?

I used to have a real Ghostbuster gun,

but I had a hard time getting it past TSA.

Mhm?

So now I use this.

Makes the best margaritas this side of "Tijuany!"

"Tijuany?"

A little buzz always helps with my routine-y.

- Routine-y? - You know what I mean.

Shit.

Come on.

Daddy, is that you?

You said you was going to the store.

[shouting] Come on, does this thing work?

Damn!

Shit!

I hate you, Daddy.

You ain't nothing.

No!

What-- what did you see?

The Lakers are gonna lose to Portland tomorrow.

- What-- - Shit.

What about us?

What you have is a demon.

And under no circumstances are you to communicate

or antagonize it in any way.

And if it is a demon, you're in trouble, young lady.

Why?

Because demons like booty.

I'd like to exorcise the demons out of that booty.

Well, I'm flattered, but I mean, I'm on a sex strike.

Where are you going?

Shit, I'm on my way to court.

This child support ain't no joke.

Shit.

Are you kidding?

Goodnight.

Look, you see that?

Proof of the supernatural.

Man, I can't wait to get this footage.

- Freaky. - Wait there's more.

Keep watching.

[banging]

[clanging]

With a little practice, we could

take this demon to Broadway.

Cha-ching.

How did we sleep through this?

Oh, yeah.

I slipped a roofie in your Froot Loops.

The date rape drug?

Just half of one.

You know, I thought if you were more relaxed,

you could enjoy sex with me again.

How dare you?

This is the worst thing you've ever done.

But how was I?

I didn't get around to trying anything.

Why?

I got hungry and ate the rest of the Froot Loops.

I passed out the rest of the night.

Now, Michael, how can you expect

me to be attracted to a man who can't

even date rape me properly?

I'm sorry.

Let me make it up to you.

Dinner at Pietro's?

OK.

But only because I love their warm, salty garlic balls.

Oh, I can taste them.

Those balls are getting more action than mine are.

- What was that? - Nothing.

Nothing. Let's go.

Damn right.

And then the banks--

they bought credit default swaps to dump their toxic assets.

I'm going to take a dump.

[farting] Hey, babe?

Do you know where I left the camera?

I just took the most beautiful dump ever.

I'm not sure if it'll go on the sex film,

but I gotta film this before I flush it.

You know, I could have sworn I left it in here--

What are those?

I don't know, Michael.

Do you have something you want to share with me?

This is not my gay porn.

Oh, definitely not mine.

Oh my god.

The demon's trying to set me up.

OK.

So the demon comes all the way up here from Hell just

to add to your spank bank.

It makes sense.

He's trying to make me look bad, and drive us apart.

And I bet he stole my camera so I can't make my movie.

Son of a bitch!

Hey, screw your movie, Michael.

Oh, I could have demon herpes.

I mean, do you not care about my safety?

Do you not care about us?

Yeah, of course I do.

Forget my film.

I'm here for you, OK?

Oh my god.

It's my camera.

Oh, thank god.

My masterpiece is back on track.

You're "ridonkulous."

Oh, wow.

What?

Do you think that's--

Oh-- demon semen.

Gross.

Now this is personal.

Are you doing naked touchy again, Michael?

Yeah.

You know, the neighbors really hate that.

Oh, they're just closed minded to the eatern way of thinking.

KASEY: Yeah, and your bare ass.

Look, I'm wearing a sombrero.

OK.

Fast forward it.

Suck it, neighbors.

KASEY: Oh, hey. Stop.

Stop.

That's what happened to my panties.

The demon wants you.

Shut up.

You're crazy. - Look.

He's obsessed with you.

Maybe it's the new perfume I'm wearing.

It's by Snooki from the Jersey Shore.

Ugh. She has a perfume?

Mhm.

It's called Orange Whore.

I'm wearing, like, buckets of it.

I'll just go shower it off.

Maybe it'll help.

Orange Whore?

Jesus Christ.

Now, let's if the demon planted those magazines.

Dammit.

Listen, you demon perv--

you can take your demon dick out of here,

because you're not getting my girlfriend, or my camera.

Cause I will destroy you!

[screaming]

What?

It's just so cold in here.

[screaming]

Now what?

The earring I lost.

I found it on the floor.

[screaming]

Now what is happening?

Nothing.

The acoustics are just really good here.

What's that on the mirror?

Huh.

Do you like demons?

Choose one.

See?

The demon loves you.

Shut up, Michael.

Kasey and Beelzebub, sitting in a tree.

Oh, you're so mature.

How many demon children do you want?

I don't want to play this game, Michael.

Hm?

I don't want to.

Two?

One, two.

You're going to live in a mansion.

In Hell.

La la la la la! La la la la!

La la la!

I'm a demon.

Rawr!

I'm a demon demon!

Rawr!

I love you, Kasey.

Michael, I just don't think you're taking this seriously.

Fine.

Let's think rationally.

And we have to do something to get

this demon to detach from you.

Oh-- I could talk about exes.

Guys hate when girls talk about how many blowjobs--

La la la la.

I can't hear anything.

OK, fine.

Let's just brainstorm, then.

There has to be something else we can do,

other than talk about the hundreds, and hundreds--

La la la la la.

Blowjobs I've given my exes.

We'll throw a party.

Oh. OK.

I'm in. - Wait.

I haven't even explained why.

Who cares?

I happen to think that any problem

can be solved by a good party.

Most can.

We'll invite all the hot girls in town.

Some alcohol, a little dancing.

The demon is sure to find someone he

wants to bone as much as you.

Thanks.

You're really special now, Michael.

You want to get rid of this demon as much as I do, right?

So we can have sex again?

Uh-huh.

Well, then I think you can throw your ego aside for one

night and let someone else be the hottie,

and you can be the not at all, disgustingly not hot at all-ie.

Fine.

I'll wear my overalls.

SINGER: Mom says to find a nice girl.

Get a job and start a family.

She says it's time to join the real world.

Forget about my teenage fantasies.

Forget about the fame and the money.

Tattoos, drugs, and the Playboy bunnies.

Don't want a girl like you.

So what do you want from me?

Let's get a picture, huh?

Get a picture?

Woo!

Hey, come on in.

Woo!

Yeah.

I sense you like the missionary position.

Wrong.

Doggystyle.

Is this your card?

SINGER: Little Suzy's from a small town,

but she don't want the typical American dream.

Woo!

[laughter]

Oh!

Oh my god.

That is good sangria.

Their sex life is so bad, I may never get the money shot.

That's why I'm going to film the booby reel!

[hip hop music]

[whooshing]

RAPPER: Bass so low, I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you--

Pillow fight!

[camera snapping]

[screaming]

RAPPER: I'm the business.

I do my thing, I run this shit.

Y'all know my name.

I'm the business.

All up in the club with the bass so low,

I'm giving you the business.

If this demon thing works out, I can finally

say I'm a real Ghostbuster.

Wait, aren't you the DJ?

What?

You think I'm a DJ because I'm black, huh?

I bet you wouldn't say that shit to Harold Ramis.

Relax, man.

It was just an honest mistake.

Wait, who's Harold Ramis?

Who's Harold Ramis?

Give me my shit.

DISTORTED VOICE: Get this party started.

Let's go.

Goddamn, look at that.

Oh, that's an ass for you.

Oh, girl.

So you're Ernie's wife, yeah?

Yes, I am.

Wow.

What a lucky woman.

Please.

When we first met, I thought he was the real Ernie Hudson.

Son of a bitch didn't tell me the truth till last year.

Wow.

Well, if it's any consolation, he's a--

he's the best fake Ghostbuster I know.

Well, he does make a mean--

DISTORTED VOICE: Get out of my way.

Go, go, go.

Move over.

[retching]

What do you two do?

Um, I'm a student, and Michael's a day trader.

How nice.

You're both conveniently home all the time.

What the hell was that about?

I actually think this is going to work.

To pillow fights!

To pillow fights.

OK.

To pillow fights.

I gots to pee!

I think there's somebody in there already.

That's OK.

I don't mind crossing the streams.

[laughter]

[hip hop music]

[knocking]

Oh!

Before I knew you, everything was gray and cold.

But Kasey--

Oh--

But you--

I love you.

I love you.

And I'm not even embarrassed to say it.

Why should we be embarrassed.

What-- why can't we say it every day?

I want to go to the rooftops and shout it out loud.

I just want to go to the rooftops and scream.

I love my best friend, Micah!

Michael.

Whatever, man.

Boop.

Boop.

Boop.

I love you.

I love you more.

I love you--

You hang up.

You hang up.

[rooster crowing]

GIRL: Oh, what made you take that [inaudible]??

Oh, the nurse with the big tits?

She's an engineer.

So uh-- you're under 17, right?

GIRL: Actually, I'm 18.

What?

How did I mess that up?

I'll just close my eyes and pretend.

[clucking]

What happened last night?

And what was in those margaritas?

I have no idea.

I totally blacked out.

[screaming]

What in the hell?

What the shit?

Oh, shit!

What is it?

I've just been circumcised!

I didn't even get it on film!

The four of diamonds is missing!

Wait-- here it is.

Don't touch me, man!

Last I remember, somebody said, release the kraken!

What?

Did someone say release the kraken?

- No. - Oh.

Put me down, bitch, before I kick you in the nuts.

Are you teenie?

Coochie coochie-- oh!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Someone said there's a tiger in the bathroom!

Cover me!

Ah!

A little privacy?

I'm one under par on this number two.

Sorry, Tiger.

I mean, Mr. Woods.

[farting]

Sorry to bother you again, but uh-- could I get an autograph?

That's fine. There's no problem.

I get it all the time.

What do you want me to sign?

Uh--

- Are you good? - Yeah.

Can I get back to my birdie here?

Sorry.

[farting]

[clapping]

Hey, guys?

Everyone, can I get your attention?

Oh, yeah.

KASEY: Hey, everyone?

Mama.

Hey, guys?

Everyone?

Hello?

Hey!

Hi.

So did anybody see, or talk to, or hook up with any demons

last night?

I did.

You did?

Was he cute?

Yeah.

He gave me his number.

Ooh!

That's good, right?

If a guy is interested, he'll ask for your number.

Not the other way around.

Face it.

He's just not that into you.

Oh.

I don't get it.

He told me to call.

I hate to say this, but you got demon dissed, bitch.

No I didn't beotch.

Just as I thought.

It's a fake number.

All right, everybody out.

[groaning]

Out.

No, no.

Hey.

Well, it looks like we couldn't get the demon

to latch onto anybody else.

Which means that even in my overalls,

I'm still the hottest girl in the room.

Uh-- well, on the positive side, I got

way more sensation in my tip.

Of my dick.

WOMAN [VOICEOVER]: I can never find my way out of places.

Is this the way out?

No.

Not that one.

God, I hate doors.

All right, I think this is the way to go.

Ah!

The house-- Doors.

Oh my god.

You know what?

I'm gonna just go in here.

[clattering]

Oh, shit.

The demon's still definitely here.

Son of a bitch!

Well, he's got a point.

Excuse me?

Ever since you've tried to help, Michael,

you've only made things worse.

I need a man who can protect me and satisfy me in the bedroom.

And you've been 0 for 2.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I need a woman with three breasts and no voice box,

who likes to go down on me while I eat beef jerky

and play video games.

But you don't see me complaining!

Kasey?

I'm listening.

I hate it when we fight like this.

But god, that was great emotion.

Let me get it on camera.

Say that-- say that 0 for 2 thing again.

That was gold, baby.

No, Michael.

You're a shitty boyfriend.

And a shitty Filmmaker.

And that's not fair!

We can't make a sex film if, you know,

we don't actually have sex.

Kasey?

I don't know, Michael.

Maybe it's because you're a shitty boyfriend.

You see what I mean?

And your dick's small.

[rock music]

She's my devil.

Every night, she comes alive.

Telling me how I look inside.

All night long.

To the left, to the right.

She's alone, she's coming home tonight.

All right.

She's my devil.

I can't believe I did a striptease in my sleep

last night. - Yeah.

God, I wish you moved like that when you were awake.

I know.

I'm hot.

Hm.

BTW, still mad at you.

Hey, why'd you do that?

You can see the rest of the footage if you forgive me.

You can't bribe me into forgiving you.

Fine.

I forgive you.

Just fast forward to the part where I take off my panties.

That part's really good.

Did I do our taxes?

Yeah.

You got us a pretty hefty refund.

Check it out.

Nice work.

Michael, I'm tired of this.

Well, I told you just to hire an accountant next year.

Come on.

No, I mean our demon issues.

So what do you want to do?

I want to talk to him.

Oh, what, you guys talk now?

You tweet back and forth?

Do you sext each other?

Is that what happened?

Michael, where's your microphone?

Testing.

One, two, three.

Testing.

What are you doing?

So I'm going to talk to the demon,

and then you're going to use your computer

to analyze it, and then see if we can hear anything.

Hey, you big dumb demon idiot.

Why are you being such an asshole?

OK, well don't antagonize it.

Hello, Mr. Demon, sir.

If you have anything to say, this

would be the appropriate forum.

What?

Too afraid to come out during the daytime, pussy?

Kasey, this is pointless.

Wait, wait.

Hold on.

I think I hear something.

All right, this program is really cool.

You can isolate and analyze all sound frequencies.

And it makes fart noises, too.

[farting]

Just play it, Michael.

[groan]

KASEY: Did you come? MICHAEL: Yeah.

Sorry.

Gift card? - That's the wrong file.

Sorry.

Michael, did you record us messing around?

I'm sorry.

Gift card?

OK, let's see if I can isolate this.

DEMON: Where you folks from?

Is this thing on?

You ever notice the difference between a demon

and a politician?

One is a soulless, disgusting, pathetic wretch of a creature

with no hope of redemption.

And the other's a demon.

Ha ha ha!

Thank you very much.

I'll be here all week.

Is he doing a stand up routine?

DEMON: And what's the deal with airline food?

MICHAEL: What?

Too afraid to come out during the daytime, pussy?

DEMON: Hey, dickhead.

You really do look like a dickhead.

I don't come to your work and heckle you.

Oh, that's right, you a day trader.

I'm right there now.

Is he mocking me?

DEMON: Is he mocking me? - Bastard.

DEMON: Little bitch.

This is worse than I thought.

What do you mean?

Well, it's bad enough he's a demon.

Now he's a comedian?

What's next, a two drink minimum?

Diabolical!

[music playing]

This demon seems to really have it out for me.

I mean, I don't know what I did to piss it off,

other than taunting it, provoking it, and dating

the object of its obsession.

But that's nitpicking, if you ask me.

And things between me and Casey couldn't be worse.

I've started reading cheesy romance novels just

to remember what sex is like.

I even masturbated to that hooker's business card.

I mean, that font-- it's so hot.

The area around the bold?

I mean, come on.

On the plus side, I mean, my film couldn't be better.

I've got great footage.

So I guess the worse my life gets, the better my film gets.

Ha ha!

[farting]

KASEY: Now, Michael?

Yeah, yeah.

Is it on?

Yeah.

OK, great.

What's the surprise?

You'll see.

OK.

Tah-dah!

What is it?

They're virtual reality sextacles.

Look, I got you one, too.

See?

We put them on, and then our minds

will be transformed into this simulated environment where

we can hopefully reignite our sex lives.

How?

Here, come here.

So here.

You lay down right here.

OK, good.

That's good.

Next time we see each other, we'll

be magically humping in a magical hump

land full of yellow, sexy "sexipedes."

Nerd.

[non-english speech]

Michael, aren't we supposed to be in some magical jungle land?

I could only afford the base model.

So where are we?

I'm pretty sure we're just in our backyard.

Hey, you know you're standing on a purple Jesus diesel?

The best stuff in town.

This a crackhouse?

This is our backyard.

You go in there too, I'll see ya, huh?

No.

OK, whatever.

Hey, there's more stuff over here.

- You want us to have sex here? - Yeah, sure.

Why not.

Don't worry about that guy.

He won't bother us. OK.

This is creepy.

I see in the stars what we're supposed to do

is put our ponytails together to experience the most intense

pleasure allowed in our backyard,

which isn't actually that much.

OK.

OK.

Here we go.

OK.

Oh-- yeah.

You feel anything?

No.

It's not working.

Am I in?

Maybe you got the wrong model.

I did not.

[non-english].

I need head.

Just the tip.

Just lying there like a dead fish.

Maybe your mom was gay?

I am not--

it's not gay.

Michael, our backyard sucks.

Let's just go inside.

Fine.

Go.

Hey, I hope we can get our money back

on those sex avatar things.

What are you doing?

I want to get the demon's footprints.

Maybe-- maybe it'll tell us something.

You mean like, if we can tell the size of the footprints,

then we could probably-- - No.

No.

Just forget it.

You know, Michael, your persistence

and dedication to getting rid of this demon and getting me off

really are flattering.

Well, like Ernie said, with great booty

comes great responsibility.

Oh, booty quotes are sexy.

Say another one.

Uh, ask not what your booty can do for you,

but what you can do for your booty?

More.

Four score and seven booties ago,

our forefathers brought forth upon this nation a new booty.

Wait, let me get the camera.

No, don't stop.

Um-- I have a dream about--

Booty!

[moaning]

Oh!

Sneak attack.

Whoa!

I'm the man!

This is so good.

Yes!

I'm close!

[moaning]

[moaning]

I did it!

I made her come!

SINGER: I made her come.

I did make her come.

I made her come.

I did make her come.

I made her come!

I have tuberculosis!

OK.

I made her come!

- I got the money shot. - Ha ha!

Money shot!

SINGER: And that's just feeling fine.

You know she's--

I made her come!

Fuck yeah, dude!

I'm sorry.

It was just a sneeze.

What?

Wait-- But-- but--

Oh.

Well, we can try it all over again.

I can pretend I just had the best orgasm in the world.

I'm a really good faker.

No.

Forget it.

God, I wish you didn't tell me that.

Oh, forget it.

[creaking]

[footsteps]

Michael!

Ah!

It's OK!

You're safe.

[shouting]

OK.

Now you're safe.

Not so fast, you damn demon!

This hurts!

Do something to distract yourself from the pain.

Like what?

I don't know.

Read a book, or something.

I can't use my hands!

Read to me?

A little busy, you know, trying to save your life.

It's always all about you.

Fine!

Carnal innocence, OK?

A romance novel?

Ugh.

Where'd you even get that, Michael?

Does it matter?

I'm trying to save your life.

[shouting]

I think it's over.

Ow!

Something just smacked my ass.

[shouting]

MICHAEL: OK.

I think it's over.

KASEY: Ow!

How's your ass?

Still kind of hurts.

Jesus.

We gotta do something about this.

The demon's getting bolder.

Can you look on Wikipedia to see if there's anything

we can do about it on there?

[beeping]

What?

I don't know.

The demon must've taken our wi-fi, or something.

No!

[screaming]

Can't we use our cell phones.

Yeah.

He took our phones.

[screaming]

Let's get the Xbox.

Here it is.

Oh, where was it?

Right in the bed, where I left it.

You know, it's so weird.

That was the first place I looked,

and then 20 minutes later, there it is again.

You find anything? - Mm-mm.

Not yet. - No?

Oh.

So that's where that goes.

Michael, could you focus?

We're trying to find a solution to our demon problem.

Hey.

Mhm?

Looks painful.

Mhm.

But in a good way.

Why don't you save that page?

Just in case.

Oh, look.

This demon possesses animals and turns

them against their master.

This demon possesses pregnant woman

and corrupts their baby's DNA.

Oh, wow.

This demon has possessed millions of people

and convinced them to actually care about what

happens to the Kardashians.

Evil.

These pages are stuck together.

This one's called a demonatrix.

It makes bizarre connections with people

who have sexual hang ups.

Very harmful to couples.

Well, that makes total sense.

He's trying to frame me to make me look

like a chronic masturbator.

What-- What--

No-- No.

- Really? - No.

No.

Then it was the demon.

And then that proves why you're an over whacker offer.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

It was the demon.

Either way, I'm pretty sure the sexual hang up we're

talking about is actually mine.

You?

You don't have any sexual hang ups.

Not at all.

I can't think of any one.

[beeping]

OK.

So I haven't really told Michael this yet, but--

I used to be into some really freaky shit.

I mean, the kind of things that only

a handful of people in the whole world have ever heard of.

Like the dirty bassoon, the lukewarm chamomile maneuver,

the sloppy rabbi.

[non-english].

But I wanted things to be different with Michael,

you know?

Special.

The evil presence just won't let me.

Let me tell you, once a demon has seen

you perform a double pronged monkey lunch,

he is hooked for life.

Michael, what do you think the demon wants from me?

I don't know.

We should buy a Ouija board and ask it.

No.

No, I'm not going down that road, Michael.

Why not? Ouija boards are perfectly safe.

No, no, no.

I mean the road on the way to the Ouija board store.

There's so many pot holes. - Fine.

Well, I won't buy a Ouija board.

Good.

I will use the Ouija board app on my new iPad.

Michael.

What?

I said I wouldn't buy a Ouija board.

Fair enough.

OK.

Then what should we ask it?

Um-- What do you want with my girlfriend?

It's starting to move.

What's it saying?

B-O-O-T.

Boot!

- Y. - Oh.

Booty.

Ernie was right.

Well, you can't have it!

It's mine.

Do you hear me, you damn demon?

You're just going to have to go whack off in the corner,

like every other guy who dreamed of going out with her for two

years, until one day you got her drunk on mimosas,

and she surprisingly said yes.

Or something way less specific.

[gasp]

No, no, no.

Michael, Michael, Michael! Stop.

It's not real.

It's just your Zippo app.

Wow.

That looked real.

Yeah.

What's it doing?

Does the demon have Facebook?

He has more friends than me.

Is that demon porn?

Succubus porn, to be exact.

So the female demon seduces men in their sleep

and has sex with them.

Sucks the life force out of him, and leads him

to eternal damnation.

Pretty hot.

Uh, no.

I know hot, and that is not hot.

I don't even know you anymore.

[whooshing]

Oh, don't tell me it's the new disintegrate app.

Right?

Right?

Kasey?

That's like, $1,000, almost.

OK.

Come on.

Good.

Now yarn, or something.

Make it think we're going to bed.

[yawning]

So tired.

[footsteps]

Did you hear that?

I think it's coming from upstairs.

In the attic?

Oh, wait, no.

It's just my artificial noise machine.

I have it set to ominous and forboding music.

Uh-- would you prefer rainforest?

Michael, I want to go up there.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I think we should get out of harm's way.

In fact, I think we should leave this house

immediately, and stop trying to solve this problem on our own.

I'm just kidding.

Of course we should go up to the attic.

Here, film me.

Careful.

Dog the demon hunter coming at you.

I'm taking you down.

Oh, shit.

There's something up there.

I'm going up.

I'm coming with you.

Fine, well you go first.

No, no, no.

Why?

Because I'm gonna flip up your skirt.

It's not there.

[suspenseful music]

- Can you see anything? - No.

Do you? No, wait.

Wait.

What's that?

What's what?

[screaming]

It's just you two.

What are you doing up in our attic?

More importantly, do I smell coconut?

You got a good nose.

I just made a fresh batch of pina colada.

Thanks.

I came up here to warn you.

Well, you could have use the front door.

I tried to, but this future crime

scene tape was covering it.

That's not good.

I was conducting a seance for some lesbians

when the spirit of one of their deceased friends entered me.

Was she hot?

Not my type.

Thick ankles.

Breath stank.

Apparently this spirit knows a spirit

who knows a guardian angel who workd

with a friend of your demon.

And?

He's an asshole.

Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

Did you know that Tupac and Biggie got an album coming out,

and Rick James is on the bass?

I knew that.

Anyway, the spirit says your demon is planning

to possess you, body and soul.

Well, what about me?

He's gonna give you a Porsche, and add 2 inches to your penis.

Really?

Hell no.

He gonna kill you, too.

Shitballs.

Not only that, but I found this.

Wow!

Stuff from junior high and high school.

Oh-- my first training bra.

Damn.

I lost a lot of weight in sophomore year.

Shit.

Triple nipple.

Oh my goodness.

A letter from Tony Landon, asking

if he can stroke my beaver.

You slut.

My beaver skin boots.

They were really soft.

And Greg McConnell, asking if he can use my cooter.

What?

Cooters were a brand of pencils back then.

Oh, and Ricardo Flores, asking if he can rub my pussy.

I suppose that was your cat?

No.

And look at this.

My very first pregnancy test.

Get out.

It's wet, too.

[gasp]

Ah!

And my second pregnancy test.

You ever hear of a condom?

One of those has a positive.

Get out.

My first ball gag.

Come on!

You--

So what does this mean, other than my girlfriend

was way cooler before I knew her?

It's worse than I thought.

The daemon has been observing your sexual behaviors

for years.

If he can successfully merge his evil

with the power of your nasty freakiness,

there's no telling what he could do.

Why were you-- you didn't tell me you were such a pervert.

Shit.

Michael, I wanted to tell you.

But I wanted things to start fresh.

I didn't want you to know you were

dating the kind of girl who would

use a cheese grater on her--

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm gonna leave you two alone to discuss whatever

it is you need to discuss.

I'm going down to the kitchen, alone.

In the dark, where all the knives are.

OK.

And did I mention there's a demon

in the house trying to kill us?

Yeah, you did.

I got--

[screaming]

You scared the crap out of us, Ernie!

I know!

You shoulda seen the looks on your faces.

Dammit.

[coughing]

- Oh my god. - Oh my god.

Are you OK?

Michael, he's choking.

Ernie!

I got you again!

Son of a bitch!

I almost crapped myself, man.

Yeah!

Oh, god.

[zapping]

[laughter]

Good one.

This guy is so good.

That is very realistic.

Wait, wait, wait.

Shh.

Oh god, the wire's been severed.

Babe, I think he was electrocuted.

Oh my god.

The demon killed him.

The demon killed Ernie.

To the very best fake Ghostbuster I've ever known.

How ironic that you've died by the very thing

that you've dedicated a lifetime to.

Busting.

Busting.

Hey, do you think if we called his wife,

she'd come pick him up? - No, there's no time.

We need a plan.

OK.

And Michael?

I'm going to give myself to the demon.

What? Why would you do that?

I think if I gave myself freely, he'd spare your life.

No.

No, come on.

I have an idea.

Here.

Film me.

Come on. OK.

Watch out.

OK.

It's all right.

All right.

What the hell?

How the hell did this get here?

It was just in the attic.

Oh, shit.

Kasey?

We gotta find something.

Kasey, are you filming this?

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Hey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Son of a bitch.

Kasey? Kasey!

No!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Kasey!

Shit.

I don't even want to know what that is.

Kasey.

Oh, god.

Thank god you're alive.

Wait, your eyes.

They're green. Oh my god.

No, no, no, no, no--

Michael?

My eyes have always been green.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Oh my god.

Babe, I thought you were dead.

Or worse.

The last thing I can remember was

stepping into a green light.

Do you remember anything else?

No.

Oh-- well, there was that earth-shattering ecstasy.

Oh.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

It was the most intense orgasm ever.

Are you saying you had sex with the demon?

His name is David.

And he knows all the right places.

This is unbelievable.

I want you tested for AIDS, syphilis,

the clap, the trap, the crabs. All of this.

Right now. - Relax.

It didn't mean anything.

I still love you.

Did he have a big, demonic dick?

Michael, it's not the size of the want.

It's the evil inside of it.

Well, fine. You can have it.

I'm going to take my slightly larger

than average, non-evil penis out of here, OK?

No, Michael. Don't go.

And you can take this stupid book with you, too,

with all these weird sex demon positions in it,

to please your boyfriend.

Michael-- wait, what is that?

To detach a demonatrix from its host,

it must witness someone making out.

Demonatrixes, like hookers, are confused and repulsed

by sensual kissing and intimacy that springs from true love.

There's our solution.

It says it must stem from true love.

Do you still love me?

Yeah.

Yes, Michael, just think about this

as a-- an early bachelorette.

I got the best sex of my life out of the way,

and now I'm ready to settle for a lifetime of mediocre at best

sex with you.

Gee, you really know how to pump up a guy's ego, huh?

Come on.

Let's just do this.

Wait, wait, it says detatching the demonatrix from its host

will cause a rift in the universe's sexy time continuum,

and is very unpleasant to watch.

OK, so we'll just have to not stop kissing, no matter what.

No matter what.

OK.

Wait.

Are you ready? - Yeah.

I'm ready. - OK.

Oh, wait.

Hold on.

You should know that, um--

I orally pleased David, so don't mind the funky taste, OK?

What?

Pick it up, Michael.

Right hand, yellow.

What the hell is Precious doing in our living room?

I don't know.

Left, blue.

Drumstick.

Michael, I'm confused.

Do it, or I'll eat you!

Something's not right.

There's something in my pocket.

I knew it!

I'm Jewish, and we're in a dream right now.

Yes!

That means our bodies are really in the attic.

Kiss me!

Nobody loves me!

This is a weird dream.

Yeah.

You know, like those dreams when you can't run fast?

Yes.

Slow.

Oh, shit.

We have to keep kissing, so we can

get out of this dream layer.

OK.

Let's do it.

I think it's over.

Oh, thank God.

Did you get any footage?

You're damn right I did.

I got the best paranormal footage ever caught on tape.

It's all right here on my--

what the hell?

Something stole my memory card.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Did you see anything?

No.

I was reloading the camera in case I do.

What's that/

It's a movie clap slate.

It's not mine, though.

It says "The Lovers I Live With," directed by David.

Ugh.

What's up, kiddies?

Holy crap.

Who the hell are you?

My name is David.

I'm a demon, second class.

Well, third class now that I'm detached from you.

My boss isn't gonna like this.

Where'd you get that camera?

Bad Buy.

I was tired of borrowing yours all the time,

so I possessed the sales dude into giving me a huge discount,

plus an extended warranty.

Why have you been tormenting us?

I'm so sorry.

It's the job.

The demon's skill set is kind of narrow.

Possess and kill.

That's about it.

But why me?

I've always had a fascination with photography and sex.

I picked you out years ago as the perfect subject to fill,

but I never had the means to shoot anything.

It was only when Michael brought a camera into the house

that I decided now was the time.

I may be a demon, but what I really want to do is direct.

This is unbelievable.

You terrorized us, you killed Ernie,

and now you want to make a porn with my girlfriend.

Come away with me and beat my star.

We can accomplish things in erotic film

together that perverts and deviants have only dreamed of.

Get out of my house!

Michael, wait.

I want to go with him.

What?

Ever since he touched me, he opened

a whole new Pandora's box.

Pun intended.

I never knew orgasms could be so intense, and--

disgustingly putrid, but in a good way.

But I love you.

I love you too, Michael, and I always will.

But he does have a pretty fabulous demon dong.

But--

Goodbye, Michael.

Later, bitch.

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Could you say that line again?

That was pretty good.

Later, bitch.

Great.

Thanks, man.

SINGER: I didn't know, and I didn't even

think I need to know.

Crazy as it is, my burning heart will make me glow.

When I see you, when you pass by, when I see you--

Son of a bitch.

SINGER: I'm running fast, and I didn't think.

I can't stand still.

The movement of your hand fills me with--

with a bliss.

When I see you--

I can't believe it.

My attic footage was stolen, and Kasey chose the demon over me.

SINGER: I never thought it would come

true when standing next to you.

[shouting]

SINGER: I never thought it would come true.

Fuck!

Michael, I tripped over your stupid blow up doll.

She's not stupid!

Let's go, babe.

My Viagra's about to kick in, and we've got a long trip

through the portals of Hell.

Oh, with you along, we could take the carpool lane.

You take Viagra?

I'm 300,000 years old.

What do you expect?

Michael, as I was slowly walking up the staircase,

I had a long time to think.

And there are more important things in life than sex.

There are?

I mean, yes, there are.

I'm willing to sacrifice the happiness

of my vagina for my heart's.

That is so romantic.

Sorry, David.

I'm staying with Michael. - You gotta be kidding me.

- You have to find another star. - Why?

Why?

How am I ever going to find someone to replace you?

Hello?

Um, does anyone know which way is out?

I've been wandering around this house forever.

Damn.

How'd you like to be a star?

Yeah.

Let's go.

I'm so glad you've come back to me.

Don't worry.

I promise to make your heart and your vagina happy from now on.

Starting now.

Here.

- Oh-- - Wait.

Wait.

Say that thing about your heart and vagina again.

That was really, like, Oscar worthy.

Sure.

I'm willing to sacrifice the happiness

of my vagina for my heart's.

Great.

Do you mind?

Sure.

I thought you left with a demon?

He told me to meet him outside,

but I could not find the door.

Damn.

This is the shit.

Wait.

We're smoking shit?

Man, you're dumb.

I'll take that as a compliment.

What does anybody film on this piece of shit camera?

[music playing]

Swag out, looking so fresh.

Trying to compete with a big ol' breast.

Everybody's like this.

You would think I'm high from the way I blow hits.

When you see me, make a wish.

I'm that shooting star, looking hard [inaudible] from the TV.

[inaudible] on my wrist.

With the red, red lips.

Red on the bottom.

Red on the Ferrari, don't worry, I got 'em.

Socks on my rocks cause I'm causing a problem.

Got 'em waiting for me, so they sitting on the bottom.

I'm the business.

I do my thing.

I run this shit.

Y'all know my name.

I'm the business All up in the club with the bass so low,

I'm giving her the business.

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you the [inaudible].

Chump change, some pose.

And I see it, I buy it, no matter what the cost is.

I see them waving, and I'm watching.

Diamonds on my neck.

You see the flakes when I'm frosting.

I'm in the lake with a boat, house

on the beach, five star resort.

Stacks, feeling my swag.

I'm sick of being driven, so I fly in aircrafts.

Take a flight to the other side.

Pack yours.

Worldwide.

Rick James.

I'm looking so rich, bitch.

I'm the goddamn business.

I'm the business.

I do my thing, I run this shit.

Y'all know my name.

I'm the business.

All up in the club with the bass so low,

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you the business.

I'm giving you the--

Money talks.

You can tell from the walk.

Bring it to the table, I'm hot.

I'm the business.

Shut up when I speak.

Everybody, rise to your feet.

Money talk,s you can tell from the walk.

Bring it to the table, I'm hot.

I'm the business.

Shut up when I speak.

Everybody, rise to your feet.

I'm the business.

I do my thing, I run this shit, y'all know my name.

I'm the business.

All up in the club, with the bass so low,

I'm giving her the business.