Original subtitles

America.

God took extra care when he made

this country, didn't he, Benny?

You're talking about the endless expanse of dirt

in front of us?

Ah, it's not just dirt.

Look, there's a big rock.

And a medium-sized rock. That's fun.

Okay, Rev, this might be a good time to remind you

that the only reason I'm taking you

and your friends to Oregon

is to avoid swinging from a noose.

And I'm definitely not here to have fun. Got it?

Got it. No fun for the scary outlaw man.

- [EAGLE SCREECHES] - Oh, my gosh, Benny, a bald eagle!

Wow! No wonder it became the symbol of America.

I mean, look at its strength,

its majesty. Ah, certainly this

is an auspicious sign for our...

- [GUNSHOT] - Oh!

Why?

- [WEAK EAGLE SQUAWK] - You just killed America.

[COW MOOS]

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

[GROANS] Another long day on the trail.

You thought today was tough,

tomorrow we're gonna be fording our first river,

and it ain't gonna be pretty.

Aside from the natural beauty,

which will be stunning.

Wait, bup-bup-bup!

Let's not forget about grace, though.

- Yep. - [ALL GROAN]

Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts

which we are about to receive

- through thy bounty. - Am...

You've given us so many gifts,

oh Lord, too numerous to count.

But I'll try.

One, the rolling hills.

Two, the beautiful sky.

Three, trees.

Just trees, in general, are fantastic.

Boo! I'll take it from here.

Cram it in, shit it out.

That's what food is all about. Amen.

[LAUGHTER]

That was really not a proper grace.

Hey, Rev. Here's a grace for you.

- [FARTS] - Oh!

[LAUGHTER]

Unbelievable.

Benny, can I have a word?

- [CRUNCHES LOUDLY] - Oh, wow.

- Is that the bald eagle you shot? - You bet.

Nothing hits the spot after a hard day on the trail

like a roasted baldie. You want some?

- No, no thank you. - Your loss.

Face is the best part.

- [LOUD CRUNCH] - Look, Benny, I know

you come from a bandit background,

and therefore have different values

- from the rest of us. - [COUGHS, SPITS]

[METALLIC CLANG]

A bullet was lodged in my windpipe.

These people look up to you,

for reasons I do not completely understand.

I think if you were to exhibit

just the smallest fraction of moral leadership,

they would all follow suit.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

[SCOFFS] Why?

Because there is no morality on the trail.

You think we're gonna cross that river tomorrow

by minding our Ps and Qs?

The only morality out here

is either kill or be killed.

[DRUNKENLY] You said it, Benny.

It's either kill or be killed.

Levi, are you drunk?

Maybe I am, maybe I ain't.

Who are you, my sponsor?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

He's a good kid.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

All right, folks.

Looks like the river's deeper than we expected,

so we're gonna float the wagons across.

So let's caulk 'em tight.

Oh, that's a fine-looking caulk

you got there, William.

- [CHUCKLES] - Ooh, John.

You've got a big, beautiful caulk, too.

Your wife's a lucky woman.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, no.

Looks like the reverend has a little baby caulk.

[LAUGHTER]

Ha, ha, ha. Such a clever wordsmith,

making a pun involving the word "caulk."

Somebody's got tiny caulk energy.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm getting so sick of Benny.

He's turning everyone into a bunch

of nasty brutes, just like him.

Oh, relax. They're just having fun.

I mean, come on! We're about to ford a frickin' river.

How cool is that?

Yeah, I would say less cool and more terrifying,

given the high percentage chance that we die.

You're looking at it all wrong.

This is classic Oregon Trail. Get hyped.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Excuse me?

Mr. Teen? Does fording the river

involve me getting wet?

- Uh, probably. - No.

There's gotta be another way to get across.

Well, there's a ferry boat a few miles down the road,

but that's just for suckers willing to pay a fortune.

Perhaps you haven't heard, then... I'm rich.

I like that it's expensive. I get off on that.

Are you sure, dear? 'Cause I was really looking forward

to fording the river with everyone.

Don't be silly. You want to go on the ferry

with the rich, better people.

- Guess I'll see you on the other side. - Right.

They have a nice relationship.

Benny, we got a problem.

Can't get the wagons to float.

We moved some things around, but we're still too heavy.

Don't worry. I've got a simple solution.

I knew you would.

Just gotta leave somebody behind.

Leave somebody behind?

No, we can't do that. That's a death sentence.

Well, yeah, it'd be a bummer for the one guy,

but the rest of us get to float across, no problem.

Yeah, sure, of course you would think of it like that,

but the rest of us will never go along with that.

I'll take it from here, Rev.

I believe I can speak for everybody here

when I say, uh not it!

ALL: Not it!

- Seriously? - MAN: Not it!

Rev, you didn't say "not it."

[SCOFFS]

Too late.

All right, the best way to handle this

is to leave the weakest link behind.

So all we gotta do is figure out

which one of you brings the least to the table.

Are you out of your mind?

You can't put a value on human life.

Sure you can. I'm a 10, you're a 6,

John's a 6, George is a 6.

Honestly, I'm seeing a lot of 6s.

I can't believe you all are even considering this.

We are talking about leaving one of our own

to die alone in the wilderness.

We still got to cut weight to make it across the river.

Well, we just have to work together.

Look, if each one of us sacrifices

something small and personal,

we can cut the weight that way.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Like anybody's gonna go for that.

They will, because they are not heartless monsters,

like you. Ah, perfect.

John, perhaps you would consider

sacrificing your rocking chair.

It's a family heirloom!

My grandaddy died on that rocking chair.

And three of my kids were born on it.

Wow, that chair's seen a lot of action.

All right, Granny McGill.

What about those pots and pans?

Surely you can lose a couple of them

if it means saving a life.

What am I supposed to do,

make beans in a stew pot?

Make stew in a bean pot? What about the piano?

Surely we can do without Martha's piano.

What? And no tunes for the road?

[PLAYS ENDING FLOURISH]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Here are your boarding passes,

and please enjoy a complimentary glass

of sparkling corn water.

- Happy trails. - This is more like it.

Is this heaven or is this heaven?

[CHUCKLES] Prudence.

Sorry. I was just thinking about our friends.

I feel bad for not fording the river with them.

Are you joking? This is way better.

Now we're going to Oregon in style.

[GLASSES CLINK]

Wait, hold on, did you just say Oregon?

We're actually going to Oregon, too.

I'm Kya,

- and this is my partner, Purple. - Hi.

Todd Aberdeen. This is my wife, Prudence.

I couldn't help but notice

you have weird and crazy names.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Yeah. - They were bequeathed to us

by a shaman, in the "Ethspanish" territory.

Wow. I'm so jealous.

It was super meaningful,

You know, living that #WagonLife.

What's WagonLife?

- Oh, it's a lifestyle. - Lifestyle.

Yeah, we travel around the country

in a refurbished wagon

going wherever the good wind takes us.

Yeah, we kind of believe that

if you're not living every single second

as an adventure, it's like,

- what are you doing with your life? - What are you doing?

Like, what are you doing?

Maybe it sounds stupid, but not everyone gets it.

I totally get it.

- I... I feel like that all the time. - You do?

It's... [CLEARS THROAT] just I thought you were

perfectly happy being my meek and servile wife.

It's just, you know, I... I could understand

how someone else could feel that way.

- Gotcha. - So we're about to go

smoke a lot of opium. That's the deal.

That's what we're doing, drugs.

And we just kinda wanted to know

if you wanted to come vibe with us.

- See what happens. - Yes, we'd love to.

Oh, beauty.

Yay! #NewFriends.

Why does she keep saying "hashtag"?

Oh, yeah, Purple was kicked in the head

by a beautiful horse,

so now she just says things at random.

Ah, got it.

Yas, queen. That's bae.

It's cute, right? That is bae, darling.

All right, folks, it's time to play

ALL, CHANTING: Who! Will! Die!

I just want to say I am sickened

and appalled by all of this.

Have we forsaken our humanity?

[ALL BOOING]

When do you have time to make that?

All right, let's meet our contestants.

First up, she's got the face of an angel,

and the mouth of a sailor,

it's Granny McGill!

Kiss my pruny ass.

- [LAUGHTER] - Next up, he's the little stinker

with a host of chronic health problems,

it's Young Levi!

[COUGHING]

Oh, no. There's blood.

- [APPLAUSE] - Last but not least, she's fun-loving

with a bun in the oven,

it's Pregnant Ruth!

Please let me out of this!

Think of my baby!

- [LAUGHTER] - This is a tough one, huh?

I think we're gonna have to have a bonus round.

A fight to the death!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - No, no, no, no, no!

This is grotesque.

All right, if we have to leave somebody behind,

let it be me.

[ALL GASP]

Uh, Rev, I don't think

you understand how the rules work.

You're off the hook.

It's one of these losers has to die.

No, no, I understand the rules, Benny.

Just because everybody else has abandoned

their basic moral principles

doesn't mean I have to as well.

All right, it's settled. I'm... I'm staying.

Hmm.

- Thank you. - Oh, of course.

Thanks, Reverend.

No problem, Levi.

What the hell is going on here?

KYA: Hit it. Hit it.

Hit it. Hit it.

- [COUGHS] - [ALL CHUCKLE]

- Smooth, right? - Okay.

- It's good stuff. - I like that.

You guys are officially my role models.

You live in this cute wagon

and go on these fun adventures.

How are you able to live like this?

We get paid to take pictures of our travels.

I mean, our fans love to see the world

through our unique lens.

Let's show them pictures.

Ah, this is us with Lewis and Clark.

PRU: What? You went on the Lewis and Clark expedition?

Mm-hmm. We know them.

Tell me everything!

Is Sacagawea just, like, so beautiful in real life?

We didn't go on the trip.

We just happened to be staying

at the same hunting lodge.

- Oh. - Get this. This is crazy.

Clark actually thinks he's hot shit,

and in reality,

- he's not. - He's not.

- TODD: That is crazy. - He's just, like, a guy.

[GASPS] Oh, this is us at the White House.

- KYA: Oh, my gosh. - Babe, you are so hot in that.

- And spiritual. - Uh-huh.

That is a picture of me being spiritual.

Okay. So what was the White House like?

We didn't go inside.

It's actually my personal belief

that politics is fake.

Huh.

True.

Hey, what's going on over here?

What are you doing with all this river trash?

I am building myself a raft

made of discarded wagon parts

tied together with horse flesh.

It's not much, I know, but I am hoping

the good Lord will have mercy on my soul.

- Whoa! - All right, wise guy.

The jig is up. Tell me what's going on here

or I'm gonna pump you full of lead!

There's nothing going on, I swear.

Oh, come on! No one willingly dies for no reason!

What are you getting out of it?

Nothing! I just... It's being selfless.

Self what?

Selfless. Like, when you do something

for someone else with no personal gain for yourself?

Just out of the goodness of your heart?

You know, I did save a guy from a fire once. Yeah.

But I mean, that was just to rob him.

I shot him right after.

Oh, no. That's not it, then.

I don't know how else to put it, Benny.

I just... I'm doing it because

I think it's the moral thing to do.

No. Nah, I'm not buying it.

You're up to something.

I'm really not. I swear.

Hey, watch out for this one, folks. He's good.

Very good.

Wait, wait, wait. I don't understand.

So, you guys are just

taking photos and not actually doing these things?

What's your point? What about living your life

like it's an adventure?

I thought that was your whole thing.

It is, but it's also just like,

you know, an inspirational quote

for, like, basic farm girls to stitch on a pillow.

It's our brand.

Oh, my God.

I shouldn't be here. I should be fording the river.

Ew. Why would you be fording the river?

- Sweetheart, never ford a river. - Oh, that's so gross.

[SCOFFS] No, my friends are out there

having a real adventure, unlike you guys

- who are just #fake. - Hey! Excuse me.

Do not make fun of my wife's condition.

It took hours to get that horseshoe out of her head.

Wait, Prudence! What are you doing?

The ferry's about to take off.

Prudence!

I...

[GROANS] I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's a bummer.

I really thought we were all gonna swing.

[SIGHS]

- Well, I am still down. - PURPLE: No.

It was you watching, at best.

- I liked her. - At best.

- Hnaah... - KYA: You should probably head out.

- I'm gonna go. - KYA: Yeah, head out.

- I'm gonna go. - KYA: Goodbye.

- Thank you for the drugs. - Yes.

All right, folks, it's fording time!

[ALL CHEER]

- Yeah! - Ha ha! Come on, now.

- Yeah! - Move 'em out.

Come on, put some muscle into it!

Well, God,

wish me luck.

Benny? We making a mistake leaving the rev behind?

This don't feel right.

Nah, don't fall for it.

This is some kind of a trick.

Oh, no! I'm sinking instantly!

This was a terrible plan!

I've seen this one before.

It's a classic Dead Man Shuffle.

Keep an eye on your wallets, folks.

I'm not a swimmer!

I didn't grow up around water!

Huh. Not familiar with this trick.

Goodbye, world!

[GURGLING]

Oh, I see. He's just fully dying.

Okay. Interesting.

Help! Help!

We have to do something!

Are you crazy? And risk our necks?

- Help! - PRU: Zeke!

I'm coming for ya! Hold on!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Now she's doing it?

Come on, girl. You got this.

What is wrong with these people?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Oh, my God!

- I got you. - Oh, wow. You are very strong!

- Swim, Prudence! Come on, girl! - You can do it!

Hey, hey, don't let them on!

They're too heavy! We'll sink!

You shut your yap, Benny. We're done listening to you.

Everybody, start throwing your stuff overboard!

[GRUNTING]

Here we go.

Craziest damn thing I've ever seen!

MARTHA: Keep swimming!

JOHN: Rev, hold on!

GRANNY: You can do it!

All right.

Let's see what this morality thing is all about.

Hey! That was mine!

Yeah, well, that was pretty big for me.

We all saw where I was at earlier.

JOHN: All right, let's get these wagons on shore!

Pru, you saved my life.

- Are you okay? - Am I okay?

Did you see me out there? I was all like,

whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! "I got you, Zeke,"

and then everyone was like, "She's a hero! Oh, my God,

I want to marry you, Prudence! I worship you."

For a near-death experience,

there were a lot of nice moments.

[CHUCKLES]

TODD: Prudence!

Oh, shit.

What the hell was that back there?

You embarrassed me in front of our attractive new friends.

I'm sorry, dear, but I really just needed

to do this for myself. Okay?

Hey, no.

What has gotten into you?

You openly disobey your husband.

You ruined your pretty little dress.

This is not the woman I married.

You're wrong, dear.

This is the woman you married.

Get used to it.

[YELLS]

[LAUGHTER]

[SPLUTTERING]

I'm wet!

Oh, my beautiful dry skin is ruined!

It's ruined!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- Let me help you. - No!

[LAUGHS]

Well, Rev, I gotta say, you were right.

I think there is room for morality

out on the trail, once in a while.

I'm glad you see it that way.

- Good. - I'm sorry, I'm very wet.

- Hey guys. - Do you mind if we just

take a quick pic?

Just a quick little snap of the whole fam?

KYA: Everyone gather round.

- Let's get in there. - PURPLE: #Selfie.

Okay, selfie.

All right, ready, fit fam?

Let's take it. Three, two, one.

ALL: Sex!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- [HARMONICA PLAYS] - [LAUGHTER]

All right. [SIGHS]

Hey, ho, ho, ho, ho!

We gotta do grace.

GRANNY: Oh, shucks!

Come on, quit your griping.

Let's keep it classy, people.

Rev, if you please.

Bless us, oh, Lord, and these, thy gifts

which we are about to receive from thy bounty.

Forget about that.

Cram it in, shit it out.

That's what food is all about.

- Amen. - ALL: Amen!

There you go.

♪♪♪♪♪♪