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- Hey, got a cigarette, pal? - Yeah, sure.

- There you are. - Thanks.

You can have the case if you'd like.

Thanks.

Pardon me, you got the time?

Eight-twenty. = thanks.

Say... you can have the watch.

Oh, well, much obliged.

Could you spare a dime for a cup of coffee?

Yeah, I think so.

- Here. - What?

Keep the whole roll.

Bl... bless you, sir.

Hey, hurry up with those dishes, will ya?

It's all right for you to say hurry up.

All you do is sit around the house all day

and read the paper.

While I work my fingers to the bone.

Didn't I take you to the movies tonight?

What good is going to the movies

when you come home and wash the dishes?

And another thing.

You know what's very embarrassing for me?

To always have the neighbors see me

in front of this sink washing dishes.

You're right. And I'm gonna do something about it.

I'll buy a shade for the window. Now, will you stop complaining?

Listen, you'd complain too if you had to stand

in front of a hot stove all day long.

Look at my hands. This dish water is ruining 'em.

If I only had listened to my mother.

Listen... I'm getting sick and tired of this continual nagging.

If I hear one more word about your mother...

You leave my mother out of this. = that suits me.

And it'll probably suit your old man too.

The poor devil never gets a chance to say a word.

He opened his mouth once and three moths flew out.

Oh, I should've known better than let you make an actor out of me.

Is it my fault there's no more affordable?

Trouble with you, you don't appreciate what I do for you.

With that net out there in the river, we'll soon catch enough fish

to put us out on easy street.

Besides, we get all we want to eat.

We can't eat a thing we've caught yet.

Well, the first big catch we make, we'll sell the fish

and buy another net, and then another net.

One of these days we'll look out over that old river

and see nothing but nets. Nets!

I could say nets to you, but I won't.

What's the matter?

Oh, look. A fish.

What did you think it was, an ostrich?

Come on, we eatin'!

Boy, this feels like a wonderful catch.

Ha. I hope it's a smoked salmon. I love it.

Look at this, will ya? = yeah.

What kind of a fish do you call that?

Looks like a poor fish to me.

What are we gonna do for it?

I'll get him a glass of water. = yeah. Get...

Hey, come back here.

Here, take this. This will fix you up.

It's awfully nice of you boys, but you really shouldn't have stopped me.

Aye, you're crazy. No woman is worth dying for.

You don't know my Joan. She's so beautiful.

She's juno, Venus, and Aphrodite all rolled into one.

Yeah? Well, I'll take Mae west.

Her father wouldn't let us get married

and I just couldn't possibly live without her.

Her eyes are sunbeams.

Her hair is just like burnished gold.

Her kiss is the gossamer touch of the Zephyr breeze.

He's still crazy. Let's put him back in the ri...

Wait, wait, wait a minute. I know what he needs.

You need something to get interested in.

Now, let's see. What would take a man's mind off a woman?

Another woman.

No. = no?

I got it.

- You gotta have a baby. - Huh?

Gee. I would love to have a baby.

Shut up, stupid.

You know there are thousands of babies

all over the country just dying and crying for a nice home.

- You mean, adopt one? - Certainly, adopt one.

I used to be a baby once. I have my mother's eyes.

My father's nose. My sister's dimple...

Your appendix is your own.

You know, I was disappointed in love once. But did I kill myself?

No!

Or did I? Well, it doesn't matter.

Two days before I was to have been married,

my bride-to-be ran away with a plumber.

Five years later, I was in my apartment when one of the pipes broke.

I sent for a plumber. And who walks in

but the man who ran away with my bride?

- What happened? - I leaped at him.

I grabbed him by the throat. I choked him.

I was wild. White with rage.

I don't know what kept me from killing him.

Did you get your bride back?

No, but I got all my plumbing done for nothing.

Yes, I have 150 children.

Grandma, what a large family you have.

Good morning, Mrs. Baxter.

You look perfectly charming this morning.

- Oh, do you really think so? - No, but I had to say something.

- And I always say it with flowers. - Oh, only one Rose?

Well, you know me, I don't talk much.

Do you know, I think it's wonderful of you

to talk Mr. Bronson into adopting a baby.

A man in his position can give it everything.

- See if spanky is ready. - Yes, Mrs. Baxter.

Now, that's a kind of a baby I'd like to adopt.

She's too old for adoption.

She's just about the right age for me.

Gee, I would love to have a baby.

Shut up!

Childhood is the most beautiful part of one's life.

I remember when I was a baby.

What a memory. What a memory.

Well, you'll find spanky the sweetest little gentleman.

You'll never know he's around.

He's so quiet, so well behaved.

What's that?

But he has one silly little habit.

- He loves to break glass. - Glass?

Yes. You know, windows, all the...

- Oh, well, kids will be kids. - Yeah, sure.

- Hello, spanky. - Hello, spank.

Hello.

- Goodbye, spanky darling. - Goodbye.

You're coming to see me sometime, aren't you?

= uh-huh. Now, say goodbye to Ethel.

- Goodbye, Ethel. - Goodbye, spanky.

- Don't I get a kiss? - Do you get a kiss?

- C'mon, spanky. - C'mon, spanky boy.

- Goodbye. - So long, ladies. So long.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Say, it certainly was nice of Bronson to let us use his car.

Yeah, he's a swell fellow. Deserves a lot of happiness.

He's gonna get it with this kid here too.

Nice kid.

Look, spanky, you mustn't touch. You mustn't touch.

Oh no, you don't. Oh no, you don't.

Here, you come here. Sit down here.

Hey, take it easy there. You wanna get us killed?

It's not me. It's spanky. Get him off there.

- You get him off there. - Oh, I'll get him off.

Let go of the wheel.

Good work, son.

That's swell, spanky. We are all set. Move over.

Okie dokie.

You see, officer...

I know, you're going to a fire.

Oh, no, we're going to a hospital. You see, the kid is sick.

Yeah, he's in agony. A terrific case of the croup.

- I'm not sick. - Oh yes, you are, sweetness.

- I feel fine. - You see, he's delirious.

Oh, yeah? Well, what's wrong with him?

Uh, he has gall trouble.

This kid has more gall than any kid I ever saw.

You boys gonna be plenty sick when you look at this ticket.

Have you got a pencil?

Uh, I'm sorry, uh, we haven't got a pencil.

- Here's one. - Thanks, little man.

- What's your name? - The great Elmer and company.

- Occupation? - Magician.

So you're a magician?

Now, try to get out of that one.

All right. Just for that you can go down to the station.

Wait a minute, officer. The hand is quicker than the eye.

There you are.

Oh, I remember you. I saw your act at the policemen's benefit.

Yeah, we go on for 'em every year.

Yeah, I oughta give you a couple of tickets for those phony tricks you pulled.

- Say, how do you do this? - Very easy.

- First, you tear it up. - Tear it up.

Now, you put it in the palm of your hand.

Palm of the hand. = you blow on it.

- Now, a few passes. - A few passes.

Now, what have you?

Well, I guess you fellows are all right.

I'm gonna let you go this time.

There goes some poor sucker's window.

Ain't that funny. = yeah.

Oh, officer, you're a great guy.

- So long, sucker. - Okay, boys.

= Mr. Bronson.

Thank goodness, we'll get this precious little package

off of our hands before he does any more damage.

Oh, hello, boys. Listen, you don't know what's happened to me.

Yeah, well, you don't know what's happened to us.

She's mine. =- she? You mean he?

- Yeah. - No, no. I mean she.

What are you talking about?

Joan. We've made up. And we're eloping.

- Eloping? When? - Right now.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Hey, Mr. Bronson. - Yeah?

Eh, what about spanky?

- He's yours. - What?

Well, I mean till I get back. I want you to take care of him. Look after him.

Oh, by the way, here's a check for you.

- Goodbye, spanky. - Bye.

So long, boys.

Let's go.

Look, a thousand dollars,

a thousand dollars... oh!

That's what I call a swell guy.

Yes sir. A thousand dollars.

Huh.

Oh. = a thousand dollars.

Spanky.

This way, gentlemen.

Mrs. Baxter, I represent the law firm of guilfoyle, guilfoyle and peck.

I am aloysius t guilfoyle, and this is Mr. peck.

- Won't you sit down? - Thank you.

You have in your charge

a youngster by the name of spanky milford.

We did have, but he was adopted a week ago by a Mr. Bronson.

Why? Is there anything wrong?

On the contrary, he's come into a fortune.

He's the sole heir to a large Kentucky estate.

How wonderful! I must call Mr. Bronson.

Ethel. Ethel.

I tell you, I'm not going.

With the way these milfords and Wakefields are killing each other? It isn't safe.

- Ah! That's silly. - Silly nothing.

With this awful feud on, anyone who walks into banesville

with a milford is taking his life in his own hands.

I tell you, I'm not going to...

They're getting Mr. Bronson on the phone.

That's fine.

Imagine, little spanky milford.

Is Mr. Bronson there?

Did he take the little boy with him?

He didn't? Thank you.

What's the matter?

Mr. Bronson eloped a week ago, and spanky is gone.

Oh, gone? Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

You must find the boy at once.

Mr. guilfoyle, calm yourself, please.

Connect me with police headquarters.

We won't have much trouble finding spanky.

Hello. Police headquarters?

Have you had any complaints of windows being broken?

Well, one thing spanky's done for us.

He's seen to it that we're getting a lot of fresh air.

Yeah, but we can't take care of him. We gotta take him back.

Is there some way we can manage?

We can't even take care of ourselves.

Gee, I'm certainly going to miss that little shaver.

But he'll be better off with the league anyway.

Hiya.

Hey, go ahead and tell him.

- No, you tell him. - No, you tell him.

Spanky.

You see, spanky. Uh... l, eh... uh...

Your uncle Elmer wants to tell you something.

- Spanky, I wanna talk to you. - 1 didn't do nothing.

Well, who said you did?

Now, spanky.

Your uncle Willie and I have been talking this thing over.

You tell him.

Well, you see, spank, uh... uh,

we both decided that this is a terrible joint

for a nice little fellow like you to live in.

It ain't no joint. I think it's swell.

Yeah, but you see,

you haven't any kids around here to play with.

I like to play with you kids.

Yeah, I know. But it isn't like playing with

the kids at the league, you know.

I don't wanna go back. I never had so much fun before.

We get it.

Who is this kid's father? =I am.

- Who's the mother? - I a... no, uh.

What do you want?

Spanky darling.

What do you mean by hiding this child?

- Why you, eh... - You kidnappers!

Who is this weasel?

Weasel? I was never so insulted in my life.

Well, that's your fault, you don't get around enough.

- Why you... - Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please.

There's been a misunderstanding.

They're friends of Mr. Bronson's. This is Mr. dugan and Mr. Doyle.

And this is Mr. aloysius t guilfoyle and...

Never mind the double talk. What's his name?

Oh, the most wonderful thing has happened.

Spanky has fallen heir to a large Kentucky estate.

- What? - Yes.

And he's got to leave for the south at once.

I'm not going without my uncle Elmer, uncle Willie.

Well, perhaps we can arrange to have your uncles take you.

Yes. We'll pay all your expenses

and arrange for your transportation immediately.

What do you say? Is it a deal?

Well, I don't know whether we can get away or not.

You know, our business,

liable to cost us thousands and thousands of dollars.

Why, what business are you in?

- Uh, we're in the market. - Yeah, the fish market.

You know, a thing like this requires a great deal of deliberation.

And having deliberated, we'll go.

Oh. Well done. = that's so wonderful.

- Mr. Doyle or is it Mr... - Anything you want to call me.

I wonder what's keeping those two fellows.

- It's nearly train time now. - I'm getting nervous.

You don't think they found out about the trouble down there

and ran out on it.

Oh, there they are now.

How do you do?

How is y'all? How is y'all?

Sorry sir, we couldn't get here no sooner.

I just can't wait to get to Kentucky

to throw my lip over a mint julep.

Well, madam, you all look perfectly charming.

And we all are certainly sorry to leave you all,.

Hey, spanky. Ah, excuse me.

How dare you meddle with my bag?

What are you laughing at?

Well, the joke's on you. You slapped the wrong fella.

I did it.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

But at first, I thought you were just fresh.

Uh, would you think I was fresh if I asked you a question?

That would depend.

What does gw stand for?

Guess.

Go 'way? = no.

Gloria Wakefield. = Gloria Wakefield.

What a beautiful name.

You know, um...

I always wanted to meet a girl by the name of Gloria.

Really? = yeah.

Too bad you're not going to banesville.

I am going to banesville.

You are? = uh-huh.

Isn't it funny, I always wanted to meet a g-girl named Gloria

who was going to banesville.

County special aboard.

- Where is spanky? - Spanky?

Where is he? = oh-0h.

Ah-ah-ah, here. Give me that.

Why you! Never mind 'bout that. You pay for this.

The baby.

Never mind...

= oh!

What is it, buckshot?

I was here to meet the milfords.

Shh.

There's Wakefields on the platform.

That's the reason why I don't wanna be seen with no milfords.

I don't blame you, buckshot.

Mr. Henry, when the train comes, will you please tell somebody

to tell somebody to tell the milfords

I was here with the rig?

- All right, buckshot. - Thank you, Mr. Henry.

Good morning, young ladies.

It's mighty nice of y'all to come down and meet Gloria.

We sure will be glad to see her again, colonel.

Don't say nothing to pa about that milford kid coming in.

I'm not going to.

You know how he gets when he sees the milfords.

Don't want no blood-letting just now with Gloria arriving.

No.

There she comes.

What a reception. What a reception.

Yes, this all calls for a speech.

Why don't you say something to the folks?

Friends, I am overwhelmed.

We never expected anything like this.

There she is.

All I can say is that words fail me.

- Something's wrong. - Maybe it's the speech.

My daughter.

Is he waving at us?

Ah, he's one of those Indians who wants to sell us a blanket.

Boys, this is my father and my brothers.

Father, these are the gentlemen that were so hice to me on the way down.

I want you to know that I appreciate your kindness

to my daughter.

And I want you to know that you'll always find

a warm welcome in the Wakefield home.

Colonel Wakefield, we want you to feel that our hospitality

is always open to you all, sir, too.

Well, I thank you, sir.

I'll say, you'll be more than welcome at the milford home.

Holy father.

Just where did you say I'd find a warm welcome?

I mean, you can put your feet under our table at any time.

- We're milfords. - Oh, you're milfords, eh?

Yeah, some good old milford stock.

You must remember our grandpappy.

Remember him? I shot him.

Oh-ho. Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

- Accidents will happen. - Accidents nothing.

When we kill a milford, we kill him on purpose.

Yeah, and that's what happens to all milfords

who come caught in Wakefield ground.

She's your girl.

- Please, father. - Uh... all right, Gloria.

Now, we don't want no trouble

but any time that you milfords are looking for it

you'll most certainly find us Wakefields mighty accommodating.

Would you shake on that, colonel?

I certainly would, sir.

Pa, don't shake with a milford.

Take it easy.

You know, me being in love with Gloria Wakefield

is gonna make a changed man outta me.

Yeah, it's gonna change you from a live one to a dead one.

There's the house.

Ah, so that's spanky's new home. Not bad. Not bad.

You know, I've never met any of those northern milfords.

They better not start strutting around

putting on a lot of those northern airs with me.

Who are those people on the front porch?

Oh, that's some of the milfords from across the street.

That's aunt Hannah and judge Ezra.

They's here to meet you all.

Come on.

Howdy, whole party! Howdy, howdy. = hello.

- Hi, y'all. - Here is we all.

Dog-gone, auntie, this is a pleasure.

Well, the pleasure"s all mine.

I declare, aunt Hannah, you all is getting younger looking every day.

Now, you're exaggerating.

All right, I'll make it every other day.

Hi, auntie.

Now, that's what I call a boy.

That's what everybody calls a boy.

Well, well, judge Ezra. You old sharp shooter.

You're a sight for sore eyes. I'd know you in a minute.

That's the judge.

Sure it is. I just wanted to see if you knew.

- Hi, judge. - How do you do, sir?

Oh, you poor little lamb.

You must be hungry after your long trip.

Here's an orange for you.

Spanky, what do you say when aunt Hannah gives you an orange?

Peel it, please.

Cute, isn't he?

- Oh, buckshot. - Yeah.

Uh, take spanky and peel his orange for him and get him some milk.

A nice tall glass.

You better make that a tin cup.

Won't you gentlemen come up and rest yourselves on the veranda?

Never mind the small talk, just pour out the mint juleps.

Come on, aunt Hannah.

Jeez, you're sun burned.

Yes, ma'am. I sure am gonna like it down here.

Come, come. That's neither here nor there.

Well, where is it?

Oh, y'all want to hem and haw, is that the idea?

You know, I'm gonna love that little spanky.

You reckon he'll learn to love me?

I don't see why not. He learned to eat spinach.

Uh-oh.

Ah-ah-ah.

Phew!

Spanky, you and your uncle Elmer

have got to have a heart-to-heart talk.

Sit down.

Spanky, you are now supposed to be a little Southern gentleman. Understand?

- Yes. - All right.

Little Southern gentlemen

do not throw bricks through glass windows.

Now, will you promise your uncle Elmer

not to throw the brick through the window?

- I cross my heart, I promise. - All right. What do you promise?

I'll use a rock.

Come on.

Auntie.

Do you know Gloria Wakefield?

Gloria Wakefield?

Gee, she's swell, isn't she?

The name of Wakefield is never mentioned in a milford house.

What is all this nonsense about the Wakefields?

We've been enemies for years.

That's the silliest thing I ever heard of.

Yes, I'll put a stop to all this nonsense.

- Nonsense? - Yes.

I'm gonna have all the Wakefields and all the milfords

together under this roof to eat, drink, and bury the hatchet.

- Never. - Never.

Never.

- Huh, only fools say never. - Do you ever say it?

Never.

Oh, never. Never.

Why, I... l never heard of such a thing.

I tell you, daughter, I'll never set foot in the milford home

the longest day I'll live.

Now father, you're just being stubborn.

- Stubborn. Hm. - They're milfords, ain't they?

Well, they're big enough to invite us,

and I think that we should be big enough to go.

Never.

Here's to the new-found friendship

of these two great families.

The Wakefields and the milfords.

Hurray.

I've got a feelin' this ain't goin' to do nobody no good.

Oh.

Don't put your arm around me. What would I say to father?

- Tell him I'm your brother. - Oh, come on, come on. Let's dance.

No. Fill it up. Fill it up.

Yeah. Well.

Pa, look.

I'm telling you for the last time that you can't kiss me.

I'm glad that's the last time. I knew you'd finally give in.

But father doesn't like kissing.

I'm not going to kiss your father.

That young fellow is payin' entirely too much attention to Gloria.

- And I don't like it. - I told you not to come here.

Aunt Hannah, you know you dance exactly like a heifer.

I mean a Zephyr, a Zephyr.

Yes, sir, here we are, just one great big happy family.

I think I'll go over and have a drink with colonel Wakefield.

I wouldn't, if I were you.

The colonel's pretty ornery with a few drinks in him.

Ah, that doesn't worry me. He's just a big bag of wind.

If he gets fresh with me, I'll put a little salt on his tail.

Now, you be careful.

Why the idea of that old chisler accepting my hospitality

and then thinkin' that he can get tough with me.

Why, for two cents I'd knock his block off.

Ah. This is the spirit.

Everybody happy. Everybody happy.

Hiya there, colonel.

How 'bout a little drinky? How 'bout a little drinky?

- Sure, you have one with me. - Ha, thanks.

I was just saying, there's that man that I wanna know.

Colonel Wakefield. A gentleman and a scholar.

There you are.

Pardon my Southern drawl, but, ah, what've I got?

I'll say you have a horse's neck.

I beg your pardon.

I say, you have a horse's neck.

Yeah. Well, you don't look good yourself.

Uncle Elmer, here's two cents.

Thanks, spanky. Thanks. What's that for?

Why don't you knock his block off?

Eh. What's that?

Go ahead. Knock his block off. He's only a big bag of wind.

Why, spanky, how can you say a thing like that about a nice gentleman

like colonel Wakefield here?

- That's what you said about him. - What's the meaning of this?

When you gonna put salt on his tail?

Did you say all these things about me?

Why, certainly not.

That's just a little game that spanky and I play.

Spanky, go away. Uncle Elmer is too tired to play.

Uh, buckshot, go upstairs and get a pair of spanky's rompers

and drop 'em out of the window.

And be sure that spanky's in 'em. = yeah.

Wait a minute, I'd better do it myself.

I tell you, I'll never step foot

in the milfords house the longest day I live.

Said he with all his pride and dignity.

That's nothing. You should've heard aunt Hannah.

You ask me, they're acting like a couple of silly fools.

I don't think they're acting.

You wanna know something? You won't tell anybody?

Well, a long time ago,

aunt Hannah and dad were in love with each other.

No. = yeah.

And I think they still are.

Eh, Gloria. You wanna know something?

You won't tell anybody?

- Well, I, uh.. - Yes.

I never said this to anyone before, but I...

Uncle Willie.

What do you want? Why don't you go to sleep?

Look, I tore my pants.

What, again?

Come here.

Now, you keep quiet too.

Okie dokie.

Can I help you? = oh, no.

I'm so used to doin' this, can do it with my eyes closed.

- Ow. - Quiet.

What was it you were goin' to tell me?

Oh, yeah.

I wanted to say that, uh...

This is the first time I ever, uh...

- Ever, what? - Eh.

I can't tell you if you're lookin' at me.

All right, I won't look.

Well, uh.

Well, I want to say is, uh... = ouch.

Ouch. No, ha.

Quiet.

Ah. What I really wanna say is...

He's tryin' to tell you he loves you.

Ouch.

Is that what you wanted to tell me?

Yeah.

All except the ouch.

Here. Now, you run along

and I don't wanna see you again until you're wearin' long pants.

Okie dokie.

Okie dokie.

You really haven't told me anything yet.

Well, uh. You see, Gloria, I, uh...

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j to make you think that I'm Clark gable j

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j one little kiss j

j would satisfy me j

j please don't deny me j

j one teeny little, weeny little kiss j

j oh, what are your lips made for?

J oh, give me what I hoped and prayed for»

j one little kiss j

I nof six or seven j

j one glimpse of heaven j

j one teeny little j

j weeny little

j teeny little &

j weeny little &

j teeny little &

j weeny little &

j; Kiss j

J this is indeed a great event j

j establishing a precedent

I the fact that these two families j

j are here beneath one roof is proof,

j that anything is possible j

I the fact that these two families j

j are here beneath one roof is proof,

j that anything is possible j

j this great event has one intent j

j to close an open breach j

I call on colonel Wakefield j

j to make a little speech j

j the colonel we beseech to make a little speech j

j speech j

j speech j

j speech j

My friends.

I feel that we owe a debt of gratitude

to these two gentlemen.

For bringing these two great families together.

Us, the Wakefields and you milfords.

And now, that the friendship between us is cemented,

I feel that we can all lay aside our guns.

No, we won't need them anymore.

And from now on we can all live in peace and Harmony

under these beautiful blue skies

in the true spirit of brotherly love.

We had no business going there in the first place.

Serves me right for listening to Gloria.

Son.

From now on, kill a milford on sight.

Yes, sir.

- Jackson, see who that is. - Yes, sir.

Is the colonel in?

Yes, but who must I say is calling?

- Tell him all is forgiven. - Yes, sir.

Hey, are you sure this is all right?

Maybe the colonel's still mad about last night.

Don't be silly. Those little things always blow over in a minute.

He'll be tickled to death to see us.

Well, well. What do you want?

- A gentleman to see you, sir. - I don't want to see anybody.

- Get out! - Yes, sir.

Colonel Wakefield won't see anybody right now, sir.

No? Then we'll wait.

We got nothin' else to do.

Jackson, come here.

I think the colonel's voice sounds a little harsh.

No. It's just changing.

Can't you hear me, when I call you?

Where are you?

You... why don't you come when I call you?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

I don't think his voice is changing. I think he's angry.

Get the horses.

We're goin' to do some killin'.

Yes, sir.

I wonder what kind of horses they're gonna kill.

The honor of the Wakefield's name must be upheld.

And remember, whatever you boys do,

shoot those two scoundrels from up north.

Jeff, you run on upstairs like a good boy and get my pistols.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute, I'll go upstairs with you. I gotta talk to Gloria.

She's gotta keep away from them milfords or I'll lock her in.

That's what I'll do.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Jackson, go to the door.

Jackson.

Jackson.

- Jackson. - Here I is, sir.

As soon as the colonel goes into Gloria's room, we'll duck.

Shh.

Gloria.

Gloria.

Just a minute, daddy.

Hmm. Now, see here.

I want to talk to you 'bout them milfords, Gloria.

Yes, father.

Now, you're gonna keep away from them even if I've to lock you up in this house.

And if that don't work, then I...

Wait a minute, boys.

Get up.

Can I sleep just 15 minutes longer?

Gloria, this is disgraceful.

But, daddy.

Now, keep quiet!

- Listen, daddy. - What?

My mistake. Mr. daddy.

You keep out of this.

Fine way to talk to a guest.

Get up.

You must come around, see me sometime.

So long, boys. I'll be goin' now.

Ha.

My mistake.

Here, you go get a minister.

But he's a milford. Ain't you gonna kill him?

He's going to marry Gloria first to save the honor of our name.

Then we'll kill him.

Now, daughter. From now on, you are goin' to listen to me.

You mean you want the girl to marry me right away?

'Yes, sir.'

well, I think we oughta run around with each other for about a year.

I believe in long engagements.

Hmm. Is that so?

I don't care what you think.

Now, you've had your way long enough, daughter.

Now, if you'd ever paid any attention to me

all this would never have happened.

Well, if I was your daughter,

you'd never marry me off to a mug like me.

There she goes. There she goes. = Gloria. Gloria.

Wh-what's the matter, honey?

Here, here. Come on here. Let me take her here.

Here, help me put her on the bed.

I got her all right.

Stay where you are, there.

Don't make a move.

Can I even do that?

Hey, you run and get me a glass of water.

The hand is quicker than the eye.

The great Elmer.

Where's that minister?

Here I am.

Hello, parson.

Well, where's my son?

He stopped to get some flowers.

- For the funeral. - Ah.

All right, parson. Let's get this over with.

I want you to marry these two immediately.

Are you ready?

Well, let's get goin'.

This is what I've always wanted.

A military wedding.

Oh, gentlemen. Gentlemen.

You will please remove your weapons out of respect.

Hmm. Certainly, parson.

Right upstairs, parson.

You, the couple, will hold hands.

Is this all right with you?

Here he is, pa.

What? = whoa.

Oh. You, milford. You...

You, milford, you.

Wh-what? Stop them.

Yo... you, you...

All right.

Jeff, you ride fast down the valley.

John, take your eight.

And, Hank, you gather 'em up along the pike road.

Now, I want every man in this clan

shooting milfords by noon time.

- Yes, sir. - Get 'em. All right.

This is a fine time to be sellin' ice cream.

Must be the doorbell.

We don't want any.

Willie. = Gloria.

Honey, wait till I get some clothes on. I'll be right down.

I can't. The feud's started. Oh, and dad's furious.

And he's comin' right over here with all his men. Hurry.

Oh, please wait for me.

You haven't got time. They'll be here in a minute.

Oh, me.

Goodbye, darlin'.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Come on, spanky.

Come here. Sit down.

I hope you feel like running

'cause I's gonna make a racehorse out of you.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Come on, boy.

Mr. Elmer, ain't you goin' to wait on me?

Don't.

Oh.

All right, scatter out.

Now, don't anyone to shoot till I tell ya.

How ya doin', spanky?

- Say, he's... he's gone. - Gone?

- Maybe he bounced off. - Bounced off nothing.

He sneaked off to get a shot at that glass house.

Well, we gotta go back for him. Giddy up.

Careful there, Hank. Keep down now.

Why don't we rush the house, pa?

Huh, that's what they want us to do.

Get us out there in the open and mow us down.

Duck your head child. They mean business.

Buckshot.

Where are you, buckshot?

- Hey, what's that? - They're all around the place.

- We... we've gotta get spanky. - Yeah, but we'd never get through there.

- They'd tear us to pieces. - We've gotta get help.

What are we gonna do?

Ride through the mountains and gather the clan. Come on.

Hey. Someone there at the window.

He won't be there long.

- Who be you strangers? - Strangers nothing.

Wakefields and the milfords are fightin' it out at the milford home.

- We need help. - We'll be with ya, brother.

There's nothin®' we like better than a good fight.

Have a drink.

That's the best moonshine made around here.

- Yeah. When did ya make it? - This morning.

Well, I'll have a drink later. After the battle, it'll be pre-war stuff.

We haven't got time for a drink.

No. Hurry up and follow us.

You can count on us, brother. Boys get your guns.

Hey, look.

Get your face out of that moonshine.

Hey, wait a minute. = hold it!

- Hey, wait a minute! - Will ya hurry?

Boy, that was a close one.

- Hey you.. - Don't do that, will you?

We're gonna take spanky all right. The milfords are with us.

Watch yourself.

Oh, Gabriel, blow your horn.

Whoa!

Not so fast. I hope we can take it..

Look at me, Elmer. Ah!

- Willie, where have you been? - [Blabbering

those fellows don't know what fear is.

Whoa.

That horse has no right to drink. He don't know how to hold his liquor.

Hold your breath and count ten.

Boy, what a hangover he's gonna have in the morning.

There they are.

- We're all loaded and ready for 'em. - That's the spirit.

Now, let's show those Wakefields what we milfords can do to 'em.

Milfords? We're Wakefields!

Whoa!

Giddy up!

- Hey! - Come on, horsey.

This is no...

Won't be long now.

Spanky? = buckshot?

- Spanky? - Buckshot?

Spanky? = buckshot?

Here I is.

- Where's spanky? - He's upstairs.

Oh, the poor little fellow. He must be scared to death.

He ain't scared. He thinks it's the fourth day of July.

Ha, that's cute. = wait!

- 1 got a telegram for you all. - Telegram? When did that come?

Three days ago. But I done forgot to give it to y'all.

I'm certainly glad they didn't write.

Look at this, "regret. Serious mistake has been made.

The right milford heir has been found. Stop.

Bring spanky back immediately. Aloysius t guilfoyle."

Say, if spanky's not a real milford, we're all fighting for nothing.

Yeah, let's... let's call this thing off.

- That's a good idea. - Come on.

Listen, gentlemen.

Wait a minute, I've got an idea.

- What is it? - A white flag.

A flag of truce.

That's right. You know they never shoot at a flag of truce.

This, my boy, is the thing that will test the courage of a man.

By taking this flag out there, with all those bullets flying

may mean certain death.

But this is no time to think of oneself.

It means the glory of dying for your comrades.

So, take it out there and wave it.

You know, uh, I might be a little lonesome out there all alone,

so you better come with me.

No, I've gotta stay here and identify you.

Oh no. You're coming with me. Come on.

That was a close one.

Whoa!

You're one milford that's done for.

Buckshot!

Wait a minute, will ya? It's me.

Come on over here. I've got another idea.

If it means going out there again, you go on out yourself.

If we had a woman we could send out there, we could stop this.

They'd never shoot a woman.

That's a big help. Where are we gonna get a woman?

They got zeb.

Come on boys, all of ya.

We're gonna wipe them milfords out. Come on.

- Pa, they got me. - Come on, Hank.

Oh, they got me boys.

How do I look?

Hurry up. I'm all out of raspberries.

Now, you sure they won't shoot a woman?

If they shoot you, you'd be the first one.

Don't shoot!

Madam.

- We're having a war. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I should say you are, but we believe

in this enlightened age there is no place for petty prejudices.

- You see, we women... - Hey!

Go away. Uh, we women...

Uncle Willie?

Go home. Go on, little boy. Shoo.

Cute isn't he?

We women... = uncle Willie?

You know what's going to happen to you?

- Well, I've got a pretty good idea. - You're going to die.

You boys run in that house and fetch out the other milford.

We'll shoot 'em both right now!

Uncle Willie, you forgot your purse.

Little man, you've had a busy day.

Right there.

That's good. = thanks.

Now the firing squad get lined up over there.

Uh, this'll explain everything. = get back there!

Aunt Hannah, we must stop father. I hope we're not too late.

Come on, boys. Come on!

Ready?

I hear a motorcycle.

That isn't a motorcycle. That's my heart thumping.

Have either of you gentlemen anything that you'd like to say before you die?

Uh, yes, yes. I'd like to say goodbye to my mother.

Why certainly, son. Where is your mother?

She's in Australia.

Get ready.

Uh, I'd also like to say goodbye to my father.

Where is your father? = with his mother.

Ready.

Aim.

Fire!

Oh, stop, stop, stop. You idiots!

I said shoot milfords, not mallards.

Ha! Hold them.

Firing squad, come in, closer.

I reckon this stubborn, old fool will listen to reason now

when he sees all these milfords.

Now ready!

Aim!

Aunt Hannah! Look, it's aunt Hannah.

Milfords!

The milfords!

Stop it. Stop it!

It's milfords you want to shoot at.

Gloria, I'll never, never forgive you for this.

Yes, you will forgive her. Why, they love each other.

I can't let my daughter marry a milford.

Yeah, but we're not milfords.

That's what I've been trying to tell ya.

Read that!

Hm. Well, I... l guess you got me.

So long there, colonel. So long there, auntie.

J one little kiss is all I live for j

j oh what I'd give for j

j one teeny little, weenie little kiss j

okie dokie.

J one little kiss j

J one teeny little, weenie little... j