Original subtitles

I need some support...

...so that I don't slip.

Hey, What happened?

You got so scared as if you haven't seen cleavage before?

No, no. Nothing like that.

That means you have seen it.

Are you coming to have tea?

Yes.

I'm going to play our favourite song.

You guys know it.

'Jeans, booze, fag, and love.'

'Jeans, booze, fag, and love.'

'Canteen, booze, fag, and love.'

'Friend, booze, fag, and love.'

'And moment.'

- Please sing 'moment' once again. - Hey, am I stupid or what?

- What nonsense is this? - She always talks nonsense.

What is her problem?

Dude, sing 'Gulabi Aankhein' (pink eyes) for me.

How about a pink dick?

Get that bastard out of here.

Listen dude, Please sing 'Sun Raha Hai tu, Ro Raha Hu Main'

'Wonderwall, Wonderwall.'

- 'Paani Da Rang.' - Please sing 'Wonderwall.'

How about 'Musu Musu Haasi' song?

May I know which is song is this?

There's this song 'Musu Musu Haasi deu malai lai'

No, no, no.

You guys hear me every day.

But this guy is from another hostel. So let's do it for him.

- Okay. - Guys, I'm from this hostel.

Leo, remember last night you came over to Chirag's room.

To collect notes. I'm his roomie. Ankit Pandey.

But you are Chirag's roommate, right?

He's talking about Chirag from Computer Science.

But his roommate is Jaat.

- Yeah. - God knows where do these guys come from?

I've never seen him before.

'Musu'

'Musu'

'Haasi'

'Deu'

'Malai Lai'

Come on, freshers. Clear the place.

We're going to have a meeting to discuss Hostel Day's theme.

Come on.

- Bravo. - What are you staring at?

- Get lost. - Not you, Leo. You need to be here.

He'll make us strip again.

Leo?

Let's get out of here.

He's a creative guy.

He dances really well, and is also a musician.

The song 'Keywords' was sung by him.

'Jeans, booze, fag, and love.' You wrote this.

'And moment.'

Fuck! Nice.

Thank you, sir.

I hope you won't leak the theme, will you?

Not at all, sir.

- Nice. - Join the quorum.

Nice.

Now, they will learn a lesson.

Thanks.

Which hostel was he from?

You got so scared as if you haven't seen cleavage before?

No, no.

Watching films is a bad thing.

You shouldn't.

Even if it's a porn or scripted.

Because both set wrong expectations.

Like the way happened to him.

Like every other kid, after watching 'Rang De Basanti'

even he thought he'll become 'DJ' once he enters college.

But the truth is the chances of becoming 'DJ' are as scarce...

...as finding a MILF aunty in your neighbourhood.

Tending to 0.

And it's not that no one can become famous in college.

Some of them have cult status.

Like Rampuri.

He don't shoot on counter strike.

He always stab with knife.

Or Jatayu.

He is not a hostel's metal fan. It's him.

And some get a fame by social services.

Like Dalle.

He arrange the passes of Sophia college fashion show.

Or Mukhiya.

With the help of IAS uncle, he makes people passports on immediate basis.

But not everyone gets fame.

Problem is that they're all similar

And everyone wants to make their own identity.

But how's that possible?

We have problems with engineers.

Atleast they can prove their identity. But can't create it.

"I am on my way."

"Yes, I am on my way."

Everybody arrives here with a roll number.

But whoever leaves with a nickname...

...will be called as a master of his destiny or whatever his nickname is.

The matter is clear.

Every boy of the wing should be famous.

Everyone should have their own identity.

Aura, personality.

Only then your dream of seeing me...

...as the hostel President will be fulfilled.

Our dream?

But only the final year students can become the President, right?

- Correct. - But there's still time for that.

Why did you wake us up so early?

- Let's go. - Chirag.

The guy for whom the strongest team campaigns, in the

fourth year becomes the President.

A strong team is made up of stud lads.

Who're not only famous in the campus...

but also influence voting.

And you assholes!

Even your batchmates are not aware about your existence. Do they?

Your Lordship! Do they know you?

Of course, Jhantoo. Everyone knows him.

Everyone knows him.

We'll campaign in such a way...

...that even Chautala will feel shy.

I'm not talking about you, my son.

You're my Classic Milds.

You guys should learn from him.

This boy's already Mister Fresher.

Through him I'll atleast get 55 votes from girls hostel.

If he wanted, he could have taken it lightly. But no.

He's a part of all sports teams except chess.

And you guys are just jerking off.

Who's jerking off? I don't know.

Son, if you don't create your own identity in college...

...then you'll always be like the third wheel, potato in pilaf...

..a cameraman filming a threesome.

Unsatisfied. Unknown. Disposable.

So Jhantoo sir, you tell me how should I make my place in this crowd.

There's only one way to be in the limelight.

Clubs.

Note it down.

I have a soft copy as well.

If you head any of the clubs in your third year...

...then all your juniors will treat you like a stud.

They'll revere you.

Not only your posts, they'll like your comments as well.

This meeting was called...

...because all the club selections are starting from tomorrow.

So go and join atleast one of them and work hard for the next two years.

Two years?

But won't that affect our studies, Jhantoo sir?

As if you'll go to Stanford. You asshole.

Yes. MS from Stanford, Ph.D. from MIT and Post-graduation from Princeton.

Then I will go to ISRO and work on 'Shukrayan.'

It will be cheaper than 'Mangalyan.'

Really?

And what will you write in the extracurricular section of your resume?

That you scrub your ass with books? Huh?

If you don't participate in extra-curricular activities...

then this boring personality's visa will get rejected...

...before scholarship.

Okay.

Is it important for higher studies?

Yes. So is everyone motivated?

Did you have fun?

So go screw yourselves.

And give me some good news in the next two days.

And listen, don't waste your time in the dance or music club.

All those who were eligible...

...have already been selected by the fourth year students.

Disperse.

Jhantoo sir, if it is so important for my dreams, then I'll definitely do it.

I'll do everything.

Is there any way I can manage cult status, social service and club altogether?

There's no such thing.

How come there is nothing?

If a cultured woman like me has an affair...

...then it would be with a popular guy, right?

Your uncle is anyway an ordinary guy.

And an extra-marital affair like this...

...won't be accepted by the society either.

If this is the case, then I will become popular for you.

Just being popular will not suffice.

You'd need to do more than that.

Calling yourself 'cooldude69' will neither make

you a cool dude, nor will it get you into 69.

Shall we, aunty?

You are such a moron.

Aunty, please don't do it.

You're not my love, you're my addiction.

You know I can't sleep at night without seeing your face?

If you agree...

...then I swear I won't even look at any aunty be it local or foreigner.

I'll do as you say.

I'll do it wherever you say.

I will even become popular. Just say yes once.

Please, aunty. Please. Please.

Promise?

Promise. Promise. Promise. Promise.

Okay, then. Put on your clothes and be ready.

Clothes?

Why? You don't want to go to the club?

Club?

Hey, Ankit, don't you want to go to the club?

Wake up. Or else you'll be late.

I have to go. And become a popular too.

Listen. You take the technical ones, and I'll take the cultural ones.

Okay.

In order to get selected in the debating society...

...the only thing one needs to do is...

- Debate. - I disagree.

I second that.

Hello, sir. I'm Chirag Bansal.

Computer Science.

I want to join the hacking club because...

Last financial year Sudama Bank website was hacked.

Do you know who did it?

No, sir.

Nobody knows.

So Ankit? Your topic is, 'I must be selected for the debating society.'

And you'll be speaking against the motion.

Your time starts now.

Every hacker's most useful weapon is his anonymity.

And you revealed your identity when you came in here, you asshole.

Not a good start.

So, in a nutshell, I've conclusively proven that I'm shy.

...under-confident, and a pathetic loser...

...and hence I should never ever be selected in the debating society.

Ever.

In fact, I even stutt..er.

Stutter.

We both agree with you.

Rejected.

Sir, you mean, even if I hack something, I won't be able to put it on my resume.

Even if you hack Kangana's account and send romantic e-mails to Hrithik.

Not even then.

Women are mothers.

Women are sisters, Women are Goddess.

Who the hell are we to stop the women?

Women have the talent...

Stand only when I give you the cue..

Not now. You stupid woman.

All the smart women have joined the dance club.

Women...

Fast learner.

You'll make a drone by the end of the semester.

You can even participate in Robo Wars.

Robo Wars? Sounds Unique.

Bro, it's the biggest robotics event in Asia.

There are only 1300 participants from India.

And they all write it on their CV proudly.

- Everybody? - Yes.

Then what's unique about it.

Is this the Nature's Club meet?

Aren't you...

Welcome to the All-team meet of Nature's Club.

I am not just it's President...

...but the entire Nature Club in itself.

And now, even you're a part of it.

Shall we start the session?

Yes. From where?

From here.

I got into all the atheletic clubs.

Short put, long jump, all of them.

- And you? - Fine Arts.

Very good.

- Photography club. - Amazing.

No club. I am not in any of the clubs.

I repeat I am not in any of the clubs.

And you?

Which club?

Nature's club?

Nature's club?

Are you going to segregate waste and keep them in different bins?

Or build a biogas plant?

You should've rather grown a ponytail and joined Iskcon instead.

You could've chanted Lord's name all day and cleansed your sins.

Plus you would've got free food as well.

You're completely useless.

Nobody is useless, at least he is trying.

At least he doesn't have bad habits like cooldude69.

Do you know that cool dude?

Had I known the bugger, I would've gotten him rusticated.

I just saw a nick on DC++

- But everyone has seen that. - No.

I mean I've never seen anything like that.

Yes. I mean just heard it from you for the first time.

I mean what is it? 'Coolbird69?'

'Cooldude69.'

It's a nick on DC++ where you'll get lots of porn.

How do you know?

That's where everyone downloads it from.

Fuck.

Yes, Ankit. Yes.

Welcome to the dark side of engineering.

There are some porn dealers amongst us like cooldude69...

...who supply porn to innocent students and mislead them.

Innocent students watch porn and some of them...

...even get into premarital masturbation.

Yuck. Yuck.

What yuck?

This 'cooldude69' is the savior of LAN.

- Have you seen 'Kavita aunty?' - No.

You should.

The entire campus is watching.

Entire campus?

Yes. This boy is a genius.

He also puts a remark in the file name.

First Five minutes of this. Boring story.

The best scene at 15 minutes 20 seconds.

This girl looks like Prachi from 11B.

This guy has even given a title to one of the movies.

Girl looks like Angelina Jolie. Boy looks like Ravi Teja.

- Yeah. - What yeah?

I don't look like him at all.

And I'll never let any female to do that with me.

That means you've also seen it.

You saw it. Didn't you?

Bro, what was that nick again?

- 'cooldude69.' All in small letters. - What? Are you crazy?

How can you say such things publicly?

Yes, he's right. Don't encourage him like that.

He's a bloody psychopath, rascal, idiot.

At this age, they should make us hold a pen in our hands... He is...

I tell you, this is a genetic problem.

His parents must be bigger perverts than him.

And I tell you I'll pray to Lord Balaji that his parents...

Wait a second, bro. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Maybe we're misunderstanding him.

Right?

Maybe he downloads it for himself.

And also writes remarks for his own reference. Who knows?

Then he would've kept his folder private.

Why is it public?

Maybe he doesn't know. I mean he's new.

No one's that useless, okay.

I'll go get something to eat.

I heard you got into Nature's Club, so I brought ice-cream!

You're such a bad actor.

I heard you got into Nature's Club, so I brought ice-cream.

Ankit. Don't worry about the clubs so much.

The selections will continue tomorrow as well.

I am not worried about getting selected in clubs,

But a sense of belonging.

If I get selected in any of the random clubs...

...that won't make me a part of this hostel.

What are you talking about?

Even I am not in any of the clubs.

But that doesn't mean I'm not a part of the hostel?

You are. You're definitely are a part of it.

And that's the point.

You, Jaat, Jhantoo, Leo and that Ravi Teja...

In fact, they know Rakhi as well.

And even if I manage to become a part of any club, I'll still remain unknown.

If I were to take my bags and leave...

...nobody will even notice.

Even a pregnant lady's baby bump is seen in the fourth month.

And it's not even been 2 months since you've joined.

- Soon everyone will know you. - How?

This is not a classroom of 40 kids.

It's a campus of 1500 students.

I'll raise my kid to be a really cool person.

I'll even teach him to play guitar.

I'm an ordinary person like him.

But my child won't be.

Who is he?

This is my photograph from 7th grade.

I found it on FB.

And nobody tagged this poor kid.

I mean even the grumpy principal was tagged, but not this boy.

I thought I'll tag him.

But I couldn't remember his name.

That's going to be my fate as well.

I'll only leave this college with a degree.

Not memories.

Gymkhana President, 2003. Manoj Mishra, aka Bhosad.

He used to say...

...those who don't have an identity in college, always feel lonely.

'Adopted Child Syndrome.'

Years after graduating from college, when these students chat on whatsapp groups

...others wonder 'who's this asshole?'

And so...be it good or bad...

...you need to have an identity in college.

Hey, man! Make an entry first.

So, for every epsilon...

This epsilon.

For every epsilon, you've to find an N.

Once you find it...

...for every epsilon... the problem is solved.

I mean to say..take the epsilon and find the N.

And your question will be solved. I promise you.

What is this?

Good that you finally asked, sir.

Hi, I am Chirag Bansal.

Founder, CEO, CTO, CFO and everything C of Wiki Lectures.

- What lecture? - Wiki Lecture, sir.

It's a non-profit organization...

...whose sole aim is to make videos of lectures...

...and help those students...

...who aren't able to attend lectures.

Wait a second. This is very distracting.

Imagine, sir.

When these videos will be seen in every corner of the world...

...you'll become famous like Salman Khan.

From Khan Academy. Not the one from Being Human.

And finally, you'll get million dollar aide from Bill Gates.

The Padmashree and a shawl from the Indian Government.

And maybe gain respect from every student.

I promise you, sir.

19.3 boules.

It's maths class.

Oh! Maths class.

You're doing the right thing.

You're doing the right thing. Look at him, great fellow.

- Keep it up. Do it. Yes. - Come on, sir.

For every epsilon greater than 0...

Sir, towards left.

Yes.

- For every epsilon and find the 0... - Sir, show the right profile.

Catch the light.

Perfect.

- So for every epsilon and find the 0.. - Smile.

A bit more. Bit more.

Now continue.

For every epsilon, you've to find an N.

Can you see that? I am sure you can see this.

There is N. And once you find N, your problem will be solved.

That is how we prove that the sequence is converting.

This difference has to be lesser than epsilon.

Bro, you cracked it.

I mean you've become the coordinator in the very first year.

- Listen! - Yes.

Make me your secretary.

- Please. - What are you saying?

- Apply with a proper resume? - What?

And don't forget to add your extra-curriculars.

We need a multi-faceted personality.

Chirag, my yellow bear.

Heard you've created quite a stir, huh!

Bro, not just from this batch...

..but kids from all the upcomimg batches will worship him.

Hmm.

I'll go to Stanford not to seek admission, but to give a Tedtalk.

I'll make you the head of the advisory council.

You've solved all the student's problems.

Yes.

Nobody is going to miss a single lecture henceforth.

You fool no one is going to attend any.

And, Ankit! Listen.

Whenever you get a free time, learn something from him.

I honestly tried.

I am joking. I know you tried.

You are an asshole.

Hey, asshole.

Sir, what are you doing here?

Is something wrong?

Whose room is this?

I mean you're right, sir. It's completely their fault.

But please forgive these naive kids.

- Apologise... - Shut up, Jhantoo.

Sir, you know me? How come?

Is this the only laptop in this room?

IP address 108.13. Right?

Yes, right.

So you are 'cooldude69.'

Sorry, we thought you are an asshole.

'Cooldude?' Me?

No. I'm 'Steve Gates.'

- Really? - Yes.

- Show ? - Yes, see.

It's him.

Are you ashamed to tell us?

No. This is Ankit's ID, not mine.

Yes.

Sorry, sir.

Pleasure meeting you, 'cooldude69.'

aka Ankit Pandey.

Very talented.

Sir, you're wrong.

Finger on your lips.

Do you know who he is?

After DPS MMS, 'Savita Bhabhi' and 'Sunny Leone...'

...the Indian porn industry's fourth evolution is 'Kavita Aunty.'

For the first time in four years...

I've shared porn with my friends at IIT and not the other way around.

Those guys have whitewashed the walls of thier rooms.

And he is the one who seeded the porn in the campus.

You brought Kavita Aunty here.

- Respect. - Yes.

Learn to respect the talent.

Bro, I am in the fourth year.

And I've had sex, twice.

I never thought I will find my college zest back at this age.

But the material you post...

...it makes us feel fucking young!

But why's the folder private?

He was in the middle of jerking off.

- I thought someone might complain... - We'll screw him over.

Share without a fear.

How did you find Kavita Aunty?

Even we visit xvideos and Pornhub.

We never found it.

Tell them. Why are you feeling so shy?

Sir, he's not used to so much respect.

Come on, tell them.

Sometimes when you go to 15-16th pages of search results...

...You find mind-blowing clips from hours of repetitive videos.

How do you know that you'll find the right clip from this video?

When there are acclaimed porn directors like Brad Armstrong...

...Greg Lansky, and Axel Braun...

...then somewhere you'll find good scenes.

You even know the names of the directors of porn films?

Yes.

I mean only those who've won an AVN Award or are on the XCRO Hall of fame...

...or may be those who get great reviews on IAFD or Xcritic.

Porn film reviews.

Directors. Hall of Fame.

Genius.

If this is your performance in the first year...

...then I'm sure you'll do wonders in the future.

Tell them your mission, if you have any.

Nothing, sir. I was thinking about getting Deepfakes porn.

One with 3D virtual reality.

You are Dopa.

Do...pa.

Do...pa. You are Dopa.

Hello.

You should fold your hands to Dopa, and not shake them.

I've made your folder public again. Come on. Get to work.

And listen, if you need anything.

Just say it in front of any laptop or phone on a campus.

We'll hear it.

We're leaving now.

We've got some work to do.

Move.

Fsociety.

Great! You are a Dopa now.

Great.

Who were they, Jhantoo?

These guys are very famous.

They hacked the Sudama Bank's website.

Every student on the campus knows about it.

What? Everyone?

Then I should've joined the hacking club.

I can't believe it.

They came into your room and made you Dopa.

Jhantoo, what is Dopa?

D-O-P-A. Dopa.

It means, 'Dean of Pondy Affairs.'

I'm sure you're wonderig what Pondy is.

It's the nickname for pornography.

You're right.

In engineering colleges, there's a nickname even for pornography.

Pondy!

At hostels, you can earn

cult status, social service and responsibility through Pondy,

and make you 'the Dopa.'

Selfish people collect coins, stamps and souvenirs for themselves.

But Dopa collects porn for everyone.

"The world is my family."

An ideal Dopa keeps everyone's preference in mind.

His.

His.

His.

And his.

Only he knows what's being downloaded in which corner of the girl's hostel.

But Dopa never reveals.

What?

Nothing.

There are times when not a single person from

the entire batch knows about Dopa's identity.

But the batches that don't have a Dopa, know how it feels to not have one.

Dopa cannot write his achievements on his resume...

...nor he can say it on any interview.

But he still works all night.

'Musu Musu Haasi...'

'Deo Malai Lai'

Again.

Play it.

'Musu Musu Haasi'

Because feeding a hungry soul his favourite food...

...and watching him sleep comfortably is a blissful feeling.

You're back!