Original subtitles

When are you throwing a party to celebrate your internship?

- Didn't get the PPO bro. - Oh!

All set?

Did you talk to your mother?

Are your rooms set?

Are you done with your food?

Shall we begin with the interaction then?

Come on, let's begin.

My name is Rupesh Bhatia. My roll number is 170037.

I have been selected for the 4 year undergraduate

program of Mechanical Engineering.

My hobbies are exercising, reacquiring illegally possessed plots...

...and finding a nice bull to mate with my cow.

- All hail Hostel number 3! - Hail!

The boy had shaped up pretty well in just 3 days.

Great.

You have a bright future.

He'll be our first contender in our "Hostel Abuse Tournament".

Mota Bheem.

How many abuses can you hurl in a single breath?

Sir, I have asthma.

I'm not well versed with the cuss words.

I'll participate in some other activity.

Have you come to a fucking summer camp. You asshole!

Is this 'The Neelam show?'

We need to get rid of the coyness inside you.

Listen, you have to invent 10 cuss words overnight and learn them by-heart.

I am going to test you on that.

Yeah... and we'll also show him, two girls, one cup.

On the Oculus.

Him? He will start crying.

- This entire batch is useless. - No sir.

We have three girls Mechanical this year.

- Three? - Yes.

You have the list?

I do. But haven't shortlisted yet.

- We'll do it together. - Yes.

Come.

I will go keep my stuff in the cupboard first.

Because if Reddy gets to the cupboard first...

Get lost.

Thanks for understanding.

Reddy's train is delayed. He's arriving in the evening.

Meet me at the canteen once you are settled.

Mr. Jatin. Correction... Correction.

Jhantoo Ji, if you don't mind, may I ask you a question?

- 8 inches, without pills. - What?

No, I mean how could you rag...

Correction..Correction. Intro.

I mean how can you take our intro...?

...because you're a fresher too.

Who are you calling a fresher, asshole?

I've been chilling in these corridors even before the first landing on mars...

...and Ranveer started going around with Deepika.

Understand? Ask him.

Tell him.

Brother Jhantoo sat for his first entrance test in 2014 with his friends.

His friends cracked the entrance, but Jhantoo became a part of the college.

Not as a student, but a squatter in the hostel.

And thanks to the money earned...

...by selling booze, smokes, friends' mess cards,...

... seven 7 fake ID cards and staying in this hostel all the while...

...he cracked this entrance exam in just four years.

And by achieving this feat he has made our village Jhabua proud...

...and also became an inspiration for many youngsters.

19576, Agricultural Engineering.

My name is Jatin, but people call me Jhantoo out of respect.

Jhantoo, you motherfucker! where the hell are you?

Coming.

Respect.

How dare he call me Mota Bheem.

Bloody Teletubby. Now you wait and watch.

Hey, Jaat.

When the Dean asks who ragged you, then what am I going to say?

I don't even remember their names.

But don't worry, it won't get to that.

Of course, it will.

Just wait, Dean will take strict action...

...as soon as he finds out about the complaint.

He clearly mentioned during the orientation that we were like his own kids.

After giving birth to a child, even the doctor smacks them on their ass.

Nobody's life begins without crying.

You're a fool, if you think ragging is cool.

Didn't you see the poster?

You are scared because of these posters.

What did they exactly do to you?

They only made you say asshole and faggot.

At the most, they will make you utter bastard or dickhead.

Jaat, please don't use bad words.

Alright. if I say it, those become bad words.

And when Virat Kohli abuses on the pitch...

...then he's cool, aggressive and passionate.

Son, the problem is not with the words, it's the thought behind it.

Tell me something.

What does your mother wear under her petticoat?

Rupesh. How dare you talk about...

Slippers. She wears slippers.

Don't start picturising things immediately.

Just say it. Don't think too hard.

Bro, frankly speaking, I can tolerate

the intro, phantom and the abuses,

but I really hope they don't make me strip.

Once we went to a water park for our school picnic.

I got over-enthusiastic and took my t-shirt off.

Since then I've been teased by everyone. They call me Mother Dairy.

Even flat-chested girls.

What's the harm in taking your clothes off?

You'll not be the only one without his clothes off.

But stop acting like a cry baby all the time.

You'll attract undue attention from the seniors without a reason.

If you stay with the pack, then you'll be safe.

Bravo.

And on this note, here you go.

I've written down 15 bad words for you.

- Choose any 10. - Thank you.

Sis...

Mother...

Grandmother...

Yuck! Who the hell does that to women?

Huh, Amateurs!...

Happens every time.

Every year at least over a million sit for engineering entrance exam.

But the competition is so tough...

...that only 30,000-40,000 students don't pass the test.

And the rest get into engineering.

There are plenty of engineering colleges.

And going with this heard mentality...

...my son had planned to sit for the entrance.

And then I tried to explain this to..

..my son, Piyush. If you think that after coming here...

...you'll become like 'Rancho' from '3 Idiots'.

You'll score a perfect 10 in end semesters.

Or might even become an entrepreneur.

But that's not the truth.

Once you get here you'll spend your days...

...watching porn, GPL, hitting on girls and cheating in exams.

If you're gonna end up following your passion after B. Tech.,

then start smoking pot and buy a DSLR camera.

I couldn't explain him beyond that,

because he agreed at once.

Now my Piyush is a janitor by the day in hostel 2

and makes youtube reaction videos at night.

But not every student is a visionary like my son.

His seat won't go to waste,

someone will be allotted his seat...

The new scapegoat.

Open the door, now it's your turn.

Let's go in a group. Only the tiger walks alone.

It's not a senior.

Seniors don't knock. They just barge in.

Open the door.

Let's go together, please.

Hello, guys.

- This is the D top Wing, right? - Yes.

Hi, Ankit Pandey. Civil. 5502.

Why should I?

5500 bucks just for the name?

What's so special about your name?

- No, that's my rank. 5502. - Oh, right.

I'm Rupesh Bhati. Mechanical. 1537007

But these many didn't even appear for the Mains.

That's not my rank.

That's the amount paid by my father for my selection, with GST.

- Hi. - Hi.

I am Chirag Bansal. Computer Science.

Civil is great.

I desperately wanted to choose Civil, but my father...

But then everyone knows about Civil.

What about it?

The students who opt for civil in this college never get a job.

And which understanding father will ever push his dear son...

...in the dark depths of unemployment.

Uncle was absolutely right.

No, but it's clearly mentioned in the prospectus that...

They write utter nonsense in the prospectus.

They even have pictures of girls and boys together.

But did you see a single chick on your way here?

Don't worry about the branch.

- You can change it. - How's that even possible?

You need to be amongst the top 1% for that.

Top 1%?

- You don't even know that? - How could he know?

Poor guy missed his orientation.

Don't worry, I've made notes of the entire orientation.

Go settle your luggage, and I'll tell you more about it.

- Keep it where? - In your room.

This boy is very slow.

Son. You should stay in Civil.

But I've been allotted this room.

But we're already staying here.

'I'm on my way'

'Yes I'm on my way'

Ma'am, I never said that your son is lying.

When did I say that?

But Shubham and Nitesh are sincere students.

They stay away from ragging and such activities.

Look, if his classmates call him "Dhilu-Dhilu" then that's not ragging.

What can I do about it?

I don't know. I thought that's what they call him all the time.

I see...

So now you want me to give you a reason...

...to send your son to the college.

Ma'am, your son is a professor.

Relax.

His job is to intimidate his students, not get intimidated from them.

I'm fed up of this.

Such people should be ragged.

Sir, ragging is still illegal, right?

Of course. But only for the students.

The Administration is allowed.

And they will.

I am joking. Look at his face.

Your problem was room allotment, right?

Yes, sir.

Does anyone know how to use Excel?

I usually wear double XL.

He's talking about Microsoft Excel. Quiet.

Donation?

I can't see the rooms in this.

- Can I take a look, sir? - Yes, please.

Here...

Sir, you hid the columns.

They must have gotten hidden by themselves...

So room no. 69 is alloted to Rupesh Bhati and Ankit Pandey.

- So you two are in 69. - And Chirag Bansal?

68. The one next to it.

But that's where Jhant... I mean that's Jatin Ji's room.

Jatin who?

You mean Jhantoo? You're with Jhantoo.

Lucky boy, huh!

Sir, if I shift now, then my ironed clothes will get wrinkled.

This is the laundry guy's card.

He's really good. He's an alumni of this college, Civil Engineering.

Problem solved.

Sir, room no. 69 is like a home to me.

How can I sleep on someone else' bed now?

So sweet, son.

Doesn't matter what you think, but you'll stay where we tell you to.

But sir, he was right on time.

We've been staying together for the last four days.

Please don't change my roommate. Don't be so cruel.

It's just a matter of few days...

...and soon enough you'll be all over each other's rooms.

And if you ever need to go back to your own room...

...it'll just be for a couple of minutes.

Cool?

Go.

Sir, if that's the case, then I'll shift.

I mean its only the next room, and if we have to stay together for four years...

...then let's begin on a positive note.

- Perfect. - Huh!

Final?

No-no-no-no..

It's not a room, It's a public toilet.

That's great, Ankit's room has an attached toilet as well.

No, I was on the list. That's my room.

- I should go there. - Don't say such things.

If you leave, who will help me clear my exams?

Ankit will be your new roommate.

How will a Civil student help someone from Mechanical with exams?

Anyway, it wasn't our fault,

he wanted to be a superhero. Now let him suffer.

Rule no. 1.

In my absence, people might come looking for me.

Police, peddler, recovery agent or some curly haired chick carrying a baby.

You will never disclose to anyone that I live here.

And as long as he doesn't get selected, Rakhi will keep coming here.

So, get comfortable.

Living in that dirty room is far better than living with this guilt.

That's not a room, it's a bloody pan shop.

All the useless seniors come to buy cigarettes from Jhantoo in the night.

They will all screw you.

- Do you want that? - No.

If you want to stay awake after 2 am, then do it at your own risk...

Little Jhantoo can sneak out any time.

Rule no. 3, I am a huge devotee of Lord Ganesha.

So if you cause harm to any of the rats in this room, then you piece of shit...

...I'll hit you so hard, that you'll die outside.

Bro, when it comes to property...

...whoever claims it first, gets the ownership.

And in this case, it's you.

How can you forget 1947?

And I know how to assess a man?

Ankit will handle Jhantoo.

- Glory to... - Lord Ganesha!

See.

I'm stuck. What do I do now?

You'll have to adjust.

Because the hostel manager has taken his decision.

And, there's hardly anything we can do about it.

Ankit, that room was allotted to me.

So, if it's difficult for you to adjust, then I...

...I will get you out of there.

Only I can do that.

Where is he taking us?

I thought he'll whoop Jhantoo's ass and get him to clean the room.

Yeah, me too.

If only you had paid a bit more attention at the orientation,

the hostel president had said 'if there's any problem, you can come to me.'

'My door always open.'

See, its open.

Dean Sir himself said Ravi Teja is a gem.

Dean Sir also mentioned that Ravi Teja quit the seat at...

...IIT Mandi-Textile branch and chose our college.

That show's our college's reputation.

- And Dean Sir also said that... - I understand, Sir.

And just like Dean Sir, even this hostel...

...looks forward to have brlliant students like Ravi Teja.

But is there something that's bothering you?

Yes. Heinous ragging.

Sir, our council strongly condemns ragging.

And there has never been any ragging...

...during my tenure, nor will I ever let it happen.

But why did you take the trouble to come here all the way, uncle?

You should have sent Ravi instead.

Who're you calling uncle? I am Ravi Teja.

- You? - Yes.

2001. Rank and birth year.

- Are you a fresher? - Yes, yes, yes.

Everybody is asking me the same question.

And Mr. President, you don't know what's going on right under your nose.

Bloody second year students, rascals, degenrates, morons...

They rag me all the time.

And every time in a new way.

Last night they came and they asked me to strip in front of everybody...

...and they played Tic-Tac-Toe on my body.

That too in a wrong way.

I see.

It's okay. I'll look into it.

Do one thing, hold your ears.

What? You're the President.

Stand up and catch your ears.

Remove the chair and be a cock.

Right now.

If you don't respect your seniors...

...then how will you make the juniors respect you.

Huh?

Am I your nanny?

You come running to me for every trivial thing.

Small rooms, inedible mess food, snakes in the bathroom.

What rubbish?

This fucker wants to be an engineer.

Sit.

If you have a problem, then find a solution yourself.

Or else, adjust.

Millennials.

The entire new batch is pathetic.

Hey, douchebag? Does ragging takes place in this hostel?

Nothing. What... What ragging?

Playing Tic-Tac-Toe is my favorite sport.

And also I love stripping in front of strangers.

Dean Sir didn't praise me.

He doesn't even know my name.

I only don't know my name.

So what do you want now?

- Nothing... - Nothing.

We were just taking a stroll around.

Ankit, this is our hostel president.

- Let's go. let's go. - Hey!

You didn't see anything here?

Of course not, we didn't see anything here. Let's make a move.

We haven't seen anything at all.

Open the damn thing. Let's go.

- Should I leave as well? - Shut up.

The President also...

You let it be.

I asked him to save me from Jhantoo, and the bugger took us to the President...

- ...and nothing happened there too. - I'm telling you, bro.

Woah...

You've got another one in the group.

I was talking about them.

Let's give you a guided tour.

- Now? - Let's go. Come on.

Sir, I'll give him a tour later.

This one's so shy.

You have a dick, even I do. Nothing to be ashamed off.

I still have to get that coyness out of you.

What's up, Tiger?

[Indistinct chattering]

[Indistinct chattering]

This college is like me in more ways than one.

Both of us collect garbage from different places and gather them in one place.

And then trucks pick up the garbage and take it out of the campus.

You must be thinking that I am being unfair to these boys...

...by calling them garbage.

But do you know something, these creatures who

reside here are assholes of the highest order.

[Indistinct Chattering]

Exactly my point.

Hey, can't you see that it's a swimming pool?

Are you going to ride your bike on water? Asshole.

Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir.

Come on.

[Indistinct chattering]

Brother, we've got new guys with us.

Great.

Hey, you'll be the milkman. And you'll be the cow.

And you'll be the bucket.

Okay? Come on, let's begin.

They will go inside.

- Inside? - Yeah to the headquarters.

Great. Come on.

Move.

Let's go.

Come on. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Off you go.

What is this? He's such a boring guy.

What the hell!

Lord of the idiots.

What did I tell you?

Just lift the pencil by the ass.

And you can't even do that.

Sir, sir. one more chance. Sir, one last.

Last time I managed to stick it .

I will definitely get it right this time.

Get lost.

Son, where's the pencil's ass?

Think about it. Where can it be?

Trick question.

How did these people manage to get selected? Dickheads.

Go stand in the corner and be a lamp.

Asshole.

Hey, freshmate.

Beanbag, come and stand right in the middle.

Come on, be a cock.

And mention the names of top 10 chicks of your batch.

Sir, so far I've manage to befriend only boys.

I thought i'll start approaching girls from next week.

The new batch is so pathetic, man.

Okay, go.

Hey smarty, start with your intro.

Hi, myself Ankit Pandey.

Woah...

'Myself.' English and all.

You asshole, It's been three days, and you still

haven't managed to give your intro properly.

Sir, It's not his fault.

It's his first day.

First day?

Then it should be his first night as well.

Guys, he's a virgin.

Let's call Reddy.

Three of them will have their first night.

That too without a condom.

Take off your clothes. All three of you!

- Come on. - Take it off.

Lights off.

[Bollywood wedding night song]

[Bollywood wedding night song]

[Bollywood wedding night song]

Did you feel any pain?

[Bollywood wedding night song]

Oh! look at them, man.

[Bollywood wedding night song]

Won't you feed milk to your beloved?

What happened?

Feeling scared?

Huh?

I don't bite.

I only claw.

Slowly, slowly.

But if you want, you can bite me.

Feel free.

Feel free.

Why are you guys talking so much?

Is this a love marriage?

Lie down with your husband.

Get ready to witness the first kiss of the night.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Surprise Grandmother Fuckers!

Jhantoo. Jhantoo. Jhantoo. Jhantoo. Jhantoo.

I told you that Jhantoo won't disappoint you.

- You should have bought some snacks. - I did. Sir.

Everything has been arranged for the fucking night.

Hey, brides.

Come on. Go and get snacks from my room.

First, let them get done with their first night.

We can do that whenever we want.

I got selected after four years.

Till date I've only ragged others,

but I've never been ragged.

So I deserve the first night.

You should learn from him. These are our values.

Are you waiting to get pregnant? Sissies.

Come on.

Get all the snacks you find on my bed.

Hurry up.

Where are you headed?

We are going to fetch snacks for the seniors.

Assholes!

They were shit scared, right?

Literally out of their wits.

It was nothing like that.

Nobody was scared.

And thank god, you arrived on time, Jhantoo.

These guys wouldn't stop,

and those three wouldn't cry.

Fuckers!

Oh by the way, who the hell mentioned kiss?

Who said it?

What if I had really kissed the boy?

That was the first kiss of my life.

You should've done it then.

That fatso must have turned you on.

Are you crazy?

Just because I'm from Mechanical, should I go around kissing guys.

And let me tell you, these guys wouldn't have

flinched even if I did end up kissing them.

In fact, they would've stuck their tongues in my mouth.

Yeah.

We've got a shameless batch this year.

Hey, wait.

Naked men should walk together.

I would suggest while returning we should carry ice along with snacks.

They say a drunk man cannot do anything...

...even if he is a pervert.

Are you crazy? We're not going back again.

Thanks to Jhantoo that he saved us.

I was so wrong about that man.

Man? He's a God.

He saved my honor.

How will I repay this debt?

We'll figure that out in the morning. Come.

I see. So bloody freshers want to repay Jhantoo's favor.

- Yes. - Great.

Yes. And so I want to be your roommate.

I will become an ideal roommate.

Keep the room clean.

And also I'll run your business properly.

After all I am a trader by caste.

Brother, hold on.

I mean I was allotted this room, sir.

And he doesn't even know the rules.

I can handle the business as well. And I can clean

rooms dirtier than this within a couple of minutes.

I am from Kota, sir.

Forget these two, sir.

Take me.

Together we'll bond like men.

Fine, if you really want to repay the favor then do so.

The three of you should put up in one room and I'll manage with the other one.

Together? Won't it be crowded?

How will the three of us adjust in two beds?

How did you adjust on your first night, Fatso?

And the hostel manager shouldn't know about this.

I've saved you once, but the ragging is far from over.

No, he wouldn't have a clue.

The three of us will live happily ever after.

- Yes, we just need your blessings. - Come on.

- Assholes? - Yes, sir?

I said you can't live in this room, but I haven't stopped you from cleaning it.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, fat ass.

Come let's do some male-bonding.

'Surely, the juniors are exploited in the beginning.'

But it won't be the same all the time.

These freshers will soon turn into seniors, and they won't even realise it.

And next year, their juniors will line up in front of them...

...and they will be saying the same things.

'This year's batch is pathetic.'

'But that day is far away.'

'But right now they'll cry.'

'Because everybody cries in their childhood.'

'And college life is your second childhood.'

'Somethings will dazzle them.'

'Somethings will scare them.'

'Children have a very dramatic image about colleges before they get here.'

'But real college is no where close to Hirani's '3 idiots'...'

'...neither KJo's Student of the Year...'

'...and nor like Anurag Kashyap's Gulaal.'

'College is like...'

something in between, something... like this...

'But whatever it is, small or big, good or bad, IIT or JNU,'

'college becomes an integral part of student's life.'

'Because college may or may not shape your career,'

but it'll leave you with several memories, for sure.