Original subtitles

One slice with anchovy and garlic.

It's a good call. In your case, it'll actually make your breath smell better.

Ooh, I'd say don't kiss your girlfriend with that mouth,

but, uh, I've seen your girlfriend.

She deserves it.

Remember, this is one of those insult restaurants.

They say mean stuff to the customers, but it's just for fun.

I know, Bernstein.

You told me 47 times.

"They're gonna insult you, Crash." "Don't get mad, Crash."

I'm not a child.

I do understand things.

-Hey, what can I get for you jerks? -I will end you!

-[Crash grunting] -No, no!

[screams]

-No, no! -[ragged breaths]

Who is this dummy?

I'm guessing it's not the first time he's been held back.

I'll take a slice.

Oh, by the way, you have something gross on your face.

Oh, wait. That is your face.

[chuckles]

-Hey, is my sister Amanda here? -Oh, the new girl?

Yeah, she's here.

Between me and you,

I don't think she's getting the hang of the whole insult thing yet.

Enjoy your pizza.

I mean, don't enjoy it!

I'm sorry, I did not mean that.

Oh, I like your shoes.

Amanda, you're a good waitress,

but your insults are an insult to insults.

Also, you're not a good waitress.

Look, if you want this job, you got to get mean. Okay, watch this.

Hey, waste of space,

I know pimples with better personalities.

Really? Because my pimple needs a friend.

Does your pimple like table tennis?

Because mine does not.

Who has bad hand-eye coordination?

You do. Yes, you do.

Boop, boop, boop.

-You want in on this? -No.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

- ♪ And face slams ♪ - ♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

I've always wanted a show on the school TV network.

Finally, everyone will know how cool I am.

Except anyone who heard me say that.

We'll be living the dream, Bernstein.

Just you, me and my pimple.

That thing gets more nasty every day.

You need to pop it

or you're gonna have to start wearing half a bra.

No way. If I pop it,

what would I rub on your towels every day for good luck?

How about nothing?

Rub nothing on my towels!

[grunts]

Guys, I'm super excited for our first show.

As your producer, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

It's pretty simple. Just get out of our way, so we can do the show.

I can do that.

Hey, I'm Wyatt. This is Crash. And this is our theme song.

♪ The Wyatt and Crash Show We don't have a theme song ♪

♪ We hate theme songs, But we do like socks! ♪

Our guest today is the school librarian

who has something very important she wants to tell us.

Go ahead, Mrs. Flores.

[Crash] Shh!

How do you like it?!

Now it's time for everyone's favorite segment.

-[game show music] -[Crash and Bernstein]: "Can Pesto sing?"

[harmonic note plays]

♪ Camptown ladies Sing this song ♪

♪ Doo dah Doo dah ♪

-[buzzer blares] -♪ Camptown--♪

No, he cannot.

Now for something a little easier on the ears...

Random explosion!

[explosions]

Oh. Hi, welcome back.

It's been a crazy show.

So let's inject a much needed dose of culture.

And bash each other...

-[paper rustles] -[Crash grunts]

[Crash and Bernstein] With famous paintings.

[screams]

[screams]

Before we go, we'd like to thank our sponsors, Bill and Janine Cudiff

from the Cudiff Art Foundation.

[snickering]

[laughing]

Okay, everyone, prepare to be insulted.

Use a fork, Princess Glitter. Were you raised in a barn?

I am so sorry, Mrs. Oinkenberg.

I respect your lifestyle.

Hi, Amanda. I see you've gathered some like-minded individuals

for a nut-ball convention. I'll just back out slowly.

No, Cleo, wait.

I'm trying to practice my insults, but I stink.

Yeah, you do stink.

But this isn't about your bathing habits. It's about your insults.

Hey, how did you do that? You trashed me.

It's a skill and a pleasure. Watch and learn.

Hey, which princess are you?

Sleeping ugly?

Hey, Leo, nice haircut...

Is what no girl lion Would say...

Ever.

Aww.

I could almost see the tears in his little lion eyes.

You have to come help me out at the pizza place.

Fine, but I'm keeping your tips.

Whatever, I don't get any.

Guys. Guys, the show's in trouble.

Our last episode got fewer likes on the school website

than the Math Club Beauty Pageant.

All right, Bernstein,

You start studying your Algebra. I'll shave my legs.

Ugh, that is a horrible image.

Me doing Algebra.

[shudder]

On my telenovela, when they need ratings,

they kill off one of the characters. Let's do that.

-There's only two of us. -Yeah...

-Sorry it has to end this way, Bernstein. -We're not killing off any characters.

Let's not take anything off the table.

We just need to do something to make rate the ratings pop.

Pimple, pimple, pimple, pimple, pimple.

-[Crash laughs] -I know something we could pop.

[Crash] Pimple, pimple.

[popping]

And that concludes this installment of bubble wrap theater.

[applause]

Now who wants to see us pop a giant zit?

-[audience cheering] -Thank you. Thank you.

You know, it's tough to say good-bye,

but you know what they say. If you love something,

pop it on television.

Now to see how we're getting rid of this zit, let's go to the...

-Wheel of popping. -[carnival music plays]

Will it be an angry lobster?

A jackhammer?

Or everyone's favorite: Pesto's teeth?

Why am I on there?

It's the least we can do for you after all you've done for the show.

Seriously, the absolute least we could do for you.

[Bernstein grunts]

Now if you're in that front row, that's our splash zone.

Things will get messy.

[carnival music playing]

Yes, it worked! I focused my mental energy on the wheel and stopped it with my mind.

[audience] Pop it, pop it, pop it, pop it!

Pop it, pop it!

Here comes the gross.

[Crash laughs]

[Bernstein grunting]

[popping sound] [air hisses]

[audience] Aww!

Nothing came out.

[groans]

[Crash screaming] What's happening to me?!

-[screams] -[exasperated sigh]

[shrieks]

-Who are you? -I'm Tucker Taylor,

And I'm ready to be a star.

Hello, America. It's Tucker time.

[applause] [cheering]

Whoa, my zit is charming.

Whoa, your zit Is talking.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Tucker. Let me get this straight.

-You're a pimple? -Uh-huh.

-And you can talk? -That's right.

Well, that all checks out.

Good news. I just checked the school's website.

Our show's a hit. Everybody loves Tucker.

Well, duh.

We should change the name of the show to...

"Tucker Time with Wilfred and the purple guy."

Uh, it's Wyatt.

Wilfred would be better.

I always thought that, too.

Oh, we're gonna be huge, Wilfred.

Tucker, thanks again for saving the show.

Don't thank me. Thank my flawless teeth and incredible hair.

Seriously, you should thank them. It's rude that you haven't thanked them yet.

Yeah, right. What am I supposed to do? Write your hair a thank you note?

Bernstein, how do you spell "lustrous"?

-Uh, uh... -Oh. Mm-hmm...

-"L"... -Right.

-And "U," -Right.

Hello, I'm a normal 12-year-old girl in ridiculous clothes,

and I'd like to order some pizza.

Okay, what can I get you?

What are you doing? I'm giving you gold here.

Insult me.

Right. Mmm...

What an ugly dress. Where'd you get it?

The dress store...

where you can get those kind of dresses?

You're hopeless. I'll do this myself.

-Is there a problem? -Yes, there is.

Your employee just insulted me.

She offered me a to-go bag.

Then she put it on my head and told me to go.

[laughs] Nice one, Amanda.

Now work in something about her scrawny legs.

Thank you.

Hey, anything to help you keep the highest paying job you'll ever have.

Oh, hey, Bernstein.

I wrote a great joke about homeroom for the opening monologue.

Tucker, remember, after I say the punch line,

-you pop out and yell, "Booyah." -Got it.

Sit tight. Wait for my cue.

-Booyah. -Right. Get in there.

[cheering]

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show.

I'm Crash, and I have a great joke for you.

-It's Tucker Time! -What the--

What are you doing? It's not Tucker Time. It's Crash Time.

Listen to the crowd.

Tucker! Tucker!

[audience] Tucker! Tucker!

What's up with homeroom?

It doesn't look like any room in any home I'd want to live in.

Booyah!

[laughing]

Hey, that's my joke.

He didn't even leave me the "Booyah."

-Bernstein, you believe-- -It's, like,

who'd want a home with that room in it?

Booyah.

[laughing]

[Bernstein laughs]

-Uh! -Face bump.

-[Bernstein grunts] -What?!

What?! It is not face bump.

Everyone knows it is "face slam!"

[chanting] Face bump! Face bump!

Face bump!

-[chanting continue] -[Crash growls]

Crash, there you are. You know how many kids are trying to find you

-for an autograph? -Let me warm up the old signing arm.

Well, it's not your autograph they want.

It's Tucker's.

Oh! Ha-ha!

Oh, Pesto. [laughing]

You are so funny. [laughing]

Also, I can tell by the look on your face that you're not joking.

[laughing] Still...

I'm gonna continue laughing to bury the pain.

[Crash laughs]

This is healthy.

[Crash cries]

-[Pesto] Are you okay? -I'm fine.

And I'm sorry, but Tucker's not available right now.

He's taking a little nap.

Tucker, my man, you deserve a rest.

[Crash inhales]

Huh? Eh-- Why am I light-headed?

[Tucker grunts]

-[Tucker snores] -Sleep.

Sleep all you like.

Sleep.

Sleep. No one will miss you.

Oh, we're back here now?

There he is, as promised.

Your picture with Tucker Taylor, 10 bucks each.

Five bucks more and you get to punch Crash.

[Crash scoffs] What a rip-off. I'll do it for four.

[Crash grunts] I'm a smart shopper.

And too bad, Cleo,

-Tucker's asleep. So what-- -Do I smell admiration?

[kids shout] Yeah!

[Tucker] Yeah, step away. Take in the Tucker.

-[camera clicks] -But careful,

if your flash bounces off my tooth enamel,

it will burn a hole through your retina.

Don't believe him. That is not possible.

-[camera clicks] -[screams]

Uh, don't worry. This happens all the time.

Just remain calm.

[screaming]

Oh, hey, don't forget. We're taping the Wyatt and Crash Show today.

We need some ideas for the final segment.

[Tucker] I have an idea.

More Tucker time.

Wait, how--

What happened to Crash?

[Crash muffled voice] I'm down here. [grunts]

[Crash] Bernstein, I don't know how to tell you this,

but we are out of body wash.

Also, I am sticking out of the side of my body!

Also, we're out of shampoo.

Okay, open up and say, "Ahh."

Ahh'm awesome.

Sorry, reflex. Let me try again.

Ahh'm amazing.

Open wider.

[Crash gags]

Whoo, that's kind of fun.

-In, out. -[Crash gags]

-In, out. -[Crash gags]

-[laughing] -[gagging]

-Dr. Gordon? -I'm terribly sorry.

Good news, your friend is going to be okay.

Oh, phew.

I got a little scared when I saw his head was sticking out the side of his body.

Wait, your friend is the one with the head on the side?

Uh-huh.

Oh, in that case, your friend is not going to be okay.

His head will slowly shrink like a healing pimple.

Soon he will disappear completely, and you won't see him again.

Why are you still smiling?

I went to a very polite medical school.

Okay, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know. I also went to a very bad medical school.

Hey, Doc, do want an autographed picture of me?

No, thank you. Should I?

-Who are you? -What?! "Who am I?"

I'm Tucker Taylor.

Do you not watch the Linus Pauling Middle School television station?

No, I'm 37.

[Tucker] Wyatt, can we go? I'm tired of being insulted by this guy.

No, let's stay. Now I'm having fun.

Hey, doc, do that throat trick again.

[Crash groans]

Doc, do you see what's happening?

When Tucker gets more confident, he gets more powerful and Crash gets weaker.

If we insult Tucker enough, maybe Crash'll get his body back.

Yes, I definitely see that.

Did you go to Online Doctor's School, too?

Nice outfit. You look like a penguin and a zebra had a baby,

But they didn't like the baby, so they made it design you ugly outfits.

Nice, Amanda.

You keep it up, you'll be "Meanie of the Month."

Okay, I got to take a break. It's my mom's birthday.

I got to remind her what a miserable old bag she is.

[voice breaking] I love that lady.

Did you hear what I said to that lady?

Yeah, I'm the one that told you to say it.

Let me know if you need help with anything else.

Please, like I'm gonna take advice from some loser

who sits under pizza counters

because she has nothing better to do with her life.

Okay, that hurt.

I'm so proud of you!

Amanda, where's your boss? I need someone to insult Tucker.

He's not here.

And how could anyone Insult Tucker? He's perfect.

Ha, guilty as charged.

Hey, less compliments, more insults.

Okay, Crash, you're awful and no one likes you.

Ouch. That must hurt.

No, I laugh at insults.

Listen.

[crying]

[Crash bawling]

Wait, what's happening to me?!

Stop it.

Look, we're trying to get rid of Tucker. Only one of them can survive.

I'm worried that if you keep insulting Crash,

he'll be the one who disappears forever.

-Really? -Let's try.

-You're annoying. -Gross.

-Smelly. -Obnoxious.

-Dumb. -[Amanda] Bug-eyed.

[Cleo] No nose. Weird.

-Unwashed. -Creepy.

-With stupid hair. -Purple.

And oddly sticky!

[Crash] They're right.

Especially the sticky part.

I don't know why they even make maple soap.

Oh! So that's why we're always out of syrup.

I should just give up.

Tucker's better than me.

No, he's not. He's an empty head with horse teeth.

Ow!

You don't like the insults, do you, Tuck?

Well, guess what? Your mirror called.

It said it wants to see other people.

Why would my mirror say that? And--

And how did my mirror get your phone number?

Oh, they go way back.

They met on a flight to Tucker-is-a-butt-istan.

[Crash laughs]

Stop laughing at me.

-[Crash laughs] -I'd punch you right now,

but for some reason my arms aren't working.

-[Tucker grunts] -That's because they're my arms.

And I'm back in control.

[Tucker grunting]

[Crash laughs]

I've never been so insulted in my life. Tucker out!

Oh, you're not getting off that easy.

[Crash and Tucker grunting]

-[punches landing] -[grunting]

My life is pretty weird.

I do not disagree.

-[grunts and punches] -[glass breaks]

[Crash grunting]

[Crash screams] Ah!

Yes, he's gone.

I've got my body back.

Oh, thank goodness. I was worried about you.

-Face slam! -[Tucker] This isn't over yet,

body that I'm attached to.

-No, no, no. -No, no!

[Tucker bawls]

Now he's gone. Handsome prevails.

Crash, come on. Fight back!

[Crash muffled voice] I can't beat him, he's too strong.

Nobody's too strong for you.

You're a warrior. You're fearless.

You give yourself haircuts with a ninja sword.

[Crash] It's the only way I can get my fade on.

He's just a disgusting pimple.

You're my disgusting brother.

[Crash grunts]

[Crash grunting]

[Crash bawls]

[Crash shouts] I am Crash!

-So is Tucker gone? -Let's see.

[Tucker voice fading] I'm healing. Tucker out.

And it keeps getting weirder.

Yup. Hey, Bernstein, come here.

-I got a secret for you. -Yeah?

-Face slam! -[Bernstein grunts] Oh!

[laughs]

-[Tony] Face slam! -What was that?

Oh, that's my shoulder wart, Tony.

You'd like him. He's good people.

-[Tony] Thank you, Crash. -You're welcome, Tony.

Hey, I made your pizza just like your underpants...

-[thud] -extra crusty.

[laughs] That's a good one.

Let me try a funny insult.

Your mother never loved you.

-Whoa, that's just mean. -You'll always be alone.

No, that is not an insult. Insults are clever.

Ah, Doctor, could you show this maniac what an insult is?

I got your test results back. They do not look good.

[laughing]

That's not an insult. That's just bad news.

-Why are you smiling? -Because I love pizza.

I like you, Doctor.

This could be the start of a long friendship.

Or a short one. I got your test results, too.

[laughs]

I'm laughing, but I can see by your face

that you are completely serious.

[laughs]

This is healthy.

[laughs]

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪