Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down hardcore! ♪

This is the first field school trip that's actually cool.

It's gotta be a mistake.

My favorite part was the space simulator

with all those buttons that kept going up and down.

That was the elevator.

The future is now.

Oh, what does this button do?

-[grunts] - Welcome to the Bixby Spaceport ,

home of the world's first private space flight.

[screams] Ghost head!

-[grunts] -I'm Trent Bixby ,

billionaire, entrepreneur and three-time winner of...

[dramatically] the International Dramatic Speaking Competition!

Take that, everyone.

[gasps] Check it out.

It's the real Trent Bixby.

Huh. He looks familiar.

Can't put my finger on it.

Is that your Uncle Larry?

First off, I don't have an Uncle Larry. You're thinking of Aunt Lynn.

Oh, right, right.

And secondly, do you really not know who that is?

You were just slicing his head.

Sorry, I'm terrible with names. Always have been, Bernstock.

But I can't wait to go to space.

We can't go.

The trip is only for celebrities and super rich people.

No problem. I speak rich people.

[swooshing sound]

Gold bars,

mansion, tuxedos.

Private jet, polo club, fancy mustard!

[both laughing, sigh]

[both together] We're rich.

I'm a southern millionaire

and I want to go to space.

-Hmm, did you say you're a millionaire? -Mm-hmm.

I only hang out with billionaires.

Take that everyone.

Perhaps you'd like to meet my friend Crash,

He's a dot.com billionaire.

Sorry I'm late.

I was cold air ballooning.

Hot air ballooning is for those pathetic millionaires.

Take that, everyone!

That's my motto too! [gasps]

I like your style. How would you like to go to space?

Sure, Trent Bixby.

Billionaire handshake!

[both laughing]

Yeah.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

[video game sound]

-[grunts, sighs] -[explosion]

-Darn it! -Yay! You win again!

I didn't win. I wrecked.

But you got over 2,000 Fat-a-lities.

-That's fatalities. -Huh?

It means they died.

Oh. Oh...!

For once, I'd like to make it to the hero level.

Then just play an easy setting.

I am! I even have cheat codes!

You're only cheating yourself, Wyatt.

[sarcastically] Well, well.

If it isn't the best brother ever.

[sighs]

We got into a big fight

now we're only talking sarcastically to each other.

It's nice. It's really brought us further apart.

So, I heard you're going into space.

I really hope you come back safely

so I don't get our room all to myself.

Really is that so?

Because I really wish you'd come with us.

Great, I'll go. Always wanted to meet Trent Brixby.

-No take-backs. -I was being sarcastic.

I said no take-backs.

It's bad enough Cleo glommed onto our trip.

-Why are you here? -Duh! For the celebrities.

Not everything is about you, Wyatt. You're so shallow.

What do you mean I can't bring my friends?

I am a dot-com billionaire!

I'm taking away your internet.

Oh, no! How will I watch cats jump on trampolines?

Oh wait, I own cats...

and a trampoline.

-So you don't intimidate me! -Ooh!

Is there a problem?

Yes, Trent.

This woman is trying to separate me from my butt-kissing entourage.

This is Bernstein,

my mixed martial arts expert extraordinaire/numbers guy.

Seven!

Good number!

This is Pesto, my life coach. He shows me how not to live.

Hey.

See what I mean? I would never do that.

Amanda here is my pet celebrity.

Say something fa-mousy.

I'm bored.

Impressive.

My celebrity radar just went "beep beep."

And last but also least,

is Cleo.

-I'll handle this. -Okay.

Hi Mr. Bixby, I'm Cleo Bernstein. You probably know my brand...

[whispers] Cleo.

[whispers] Doesn't ring a bell.

You might make a better impression if you read his book.

There was one left in the gift shop,

but I'm sure they won't sell out before we launch.

I'm gonna go buy that book.

And that's how Cleo missed the launch.

[boys laughing]

Crash, quit laughing. You're gonna miss the launch.

Oh, right.

Grung-klor-bibble-kah.

Grung-klor-bibble-kah.

-What are you listening to? -Oh, alien language tapes.

Grung-klor-bibble-kah.

That means, "I'm sorry, I don't speak Bibble-kah."

That's dumb. You're not gonna meet any aliens.

Fine!

[mutters] Blun-frug.

-What you call me? -Nothing!

Lance Biddle... of the Biddle Brothers?

You guys were my favorite boy band!

You were the middle Biddle!

Oh, right.

I read where you took a vow of silence to protest some cause.

That is so awesome. I love causes.

I'll take a vow of silence, too.

How am I doing?

I hate to ask you to switch seats, but...

Well, this'll make my vow of silence easier.

If you're afraid during takeoff, you can hold my hand.

-I'm not afraid. -Oh.

What if I'm afraid?

Hold your own hand.

Actually, this is kinda comforting.

[doors hiss]

Ooh!

Welcome aboard, everyone! We will be blasting off shortly.

These are space glasses. I invented them... myself.

They're to be worn during takeoff

and also during showing of the in-flight movie

which will be shown in 3-d...

Also 3-e and 3-f. [laughs]

That's a little seat humor.

Buckle up!

We're about to take off! [laughs]

Ooh! I'll make the announcements!

[whooshes]

Hello, I'm your flight concierge.

In the event of an emergency,

there is only one way to survive...

the escape pod,

which is discharged by pressing this button.

[thuds, hisses]

Well, that's not coming back.

Oh! new plan, new plan!

In the event of an emergency,

scream like this...

[screams]

And if you need a pillow or a cold beverage,

scream like this... [screams]

Ah! Did the flight attendant stop by?

I was hoping to get a ginger ale.

[screams]

[chimes] This is your Captain, Trent Bixby, speaking.

I'll be flying this ship and looking quite fetching while I do it.

As we blast off, please remember

what you learned in your g-force training.

-What training? -What's a g-force?

-[engines roaring] -[screaming]

You know, looking down at the earth from up here,

makes you realize just how small

and insignificant...

everybody else is.

-Can I level with you, Crash? -Yes, you can, Trent Bixby.

The real reason I came to space

is to find an alien. I'm going to capture it!

And make it the mascot for my energy drink.

There's only one problem with your plan.

-Hmm? -No one has proven the existence

of energy drinks.

Ooh! Red button!

No no, don't-- don't push the red button.

If you do, we'll all go zero gravity

and the passengers haven't prepared yet.

[hiss]

You touched the button, didn't you?

Whee!

Help! I can't reach my phone!

Oh, look, we just passed by the Russian space station.

It's name is Glasno... [hawks]

[coughs]

Oop! Accidental loogie!

You did that on purpose!

Do you mind if I hang out with you?

My stupid brother made me miss the flight.

It's like being outsmarted by a lamp.

I know the feeling,

I've got a stupid brother, too.

Your stupid brother's Trent Bixby?

Yeah, he's awful.

He pays little kids to kick me in the shin.

-[screams] -[giggles]

At least aim for the other shin now and then!

-Your brother sounds like a jerk. -Oh.

Do you ever use any of these buttons to mess with him?

No, he'd get mad.

What's the point of having a brother if you can't make him mad?

-It's time to sister up, sister. -[knuckles crack]

Here it comes! [blowing]

-[grunts, blows] -[laughing]

-Whoa, whoa. -[laughs]

[Cleo] Hey, boys.

Who are you?

I don't know who she is or how she got in here,

but she's somebody's sister and that's enough for me!

Oh, Sheela.

[dramatically] So dramatic.

Hey, Cleo, look! We're floating!

- And now you're falling. -[beeping]

[hisses]

[both scream]

Where's the Loogie?

[both laugh]

Sisters!

Oh. I guess this is what they mean by "public restroom."

Okay, everybody, get ready for a show!

[grunts]

Oh! That was on my bucket list.

-[jazz music playing] -[sighs]

Oh.

This is pleasant.

Ooh! Buttons!

[screaming] Shaving cream in my eyes!

I sure hope it doesn't shoot razors next!

Only one way to find out.

-[clicks] -[whirring]

Hey, back off! Hey, I'm a self-wiper.

[grunting]

This machine is poorly designed!

[screaming]

I should keep pushing buttons. That'll get me out of this.

[hisses]

Whoa! Oh! Oh.

Oh, no! That's enough!

Must reach plunger!

[grunting]

[squelching noise]

-Whoa! -[flushing noise]

Hey, Mr. Bixby, can I ask you a question?

I'm trying to impress a girl. What gives you your confidence?

Six point four billion dollars.

I have 6.4 billion fears.

[laughs] No good!

A woman wants a man who is unflappable,

who is cool under pressure-- alien!

Did you see that?

All right, all right. Here's what's going to happen.

I am going to casually stroll

to the flight deck

and alert mission control.

[doors hiss]

[door hisses, whirs]

I didn't touch anything!

Mission control, I saw an alien!

-Prepare the specimen grabbers! -[chimes]

And get me Bill from energy drink marketing on the horn.

Trent, wait, he's not an alien!

[thuds] Bernstein, look! I'm an alien!

Eureka, I've got one!

Oh, pshaw!

I can do a better jump for joy than that.

Eureka, I've-- ow!

Trent?

Trent?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is bad.

Ooh! Space cream.

-[squeaking sound] -[groaning]

Crash, how'd you get out there?

It's a long story.

I was a toy that came to life--

Get to the you're-out-in-space part.

I got sucked out through the toilet! It could happen to anyone, really.

[sighs] It's gonna be okay.

I just have to come up with a brilliant idea to get you back inside.

So it's goodbye then?

Crash, I'm flushing the rope out to you!

Remember, I'm pulling you in, you're not pulling me out!

[hissing]

Oh! Hey, lady.

Did you get flushed out of a toilet, too?

[inaudible]

Oh, you wanna play charades?

Movie.

Sounds like, "Help, I'm lost in space."

Sorry, I don't know that one. You're lousy at this game.

Off you go!

Ooh, the rope!

Oh, ooh, oh.

Got it, Bernstein! Pull me in!

[both grunting]

[both panting]

Thanks, Bernstein.

You've saved my life.

I've learned my lesson.

I will never flush a toilet again.

Yeah, that's great.

We have to find someone who can fly this thing.

Okay, no need to alarm you all,

but does anyone here know how to land an out-of-control spacecraft?

[all screaming]

Okay, I'll take that as a "no."

Colonel Buck Yeager, reporting for duty.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can land this bird.

But make no mistake,

most of you will not make it...

-[all gasp] -...into the national football league.

-[all sigh] -You guys will all be dead...

-[all gasp] -...tired after this heroic landing.

[all sigh]

Step aside.

I have a need for speed.

-[grunts, laughs] -[engines roar]

-[Wyatt grunts] -[grunts] Ow!

I'm taking over. Pfft!

How hard could this be?

-[keyboard clicks] -Very, very hard.

We need a hero, Bernstein,

and that hero is you.

Don't worry that you can't park your bike

or that you really stink at that video game

where all you have to do

is land a spacecraft in an emergency.

You know, I'm having second thoughts about this.

-[beeps] -Come in, mission control.

Cleo?

Is there anybody there that can actually help us?

Where's Trent's sister?

She's a little busy right now.

[hissing]

- Welcome to the Bixby spaceport. - You may have money,

but at least I have dignity!

- I'm Trent Bixby ... -Ah!

- ...billionaire... -How do I never see that coming?

...and three-time winner...

Looks like I'm your only hope.

Oh, great.

Don't worry.

I'll do everything I can to get you back safely.

[sighs] Good. Wait, are you being sarcastic?

No! I'm being totally serious.

Thank you, thank you.

Wait, why'd you say "totally" like "totally"?

You're messing with my mind!

Why did I ever come on this stupid trip?

We're not gonna make it!

I have something really important I have to tell you.

You have a crush on me?

Oh, so you picked up on the subtle signs.

Pesto! This is a horrifying and terrible experience for me.

Stop ruining it.

Just say you're my girlfriend once! You won't have time to regret it.

Are you sure this is the end?

-[engines whine] -[Amanda gasps]

Fine! I'm your girlfriend!

-[alarm blaring] -Yes!

This is the best day of my life!

[passengers screaming]

-I can't look! -[both grunt]

Why can I still see the horror?

-You're covering my eyes! -Oh, sorry.

-Oh! Maybe I should push this button. -No, no, no, no.

No, you've been pushing buttons ever since we got on this thing,

and nothing good has happened.

[emphatically] Don't push any more buttons.

Please? Just this one more button?

I really want to go to this "auto-land" place.

No!

Cleo, listen, I forgot what we were fighting about,

but this may be my last chance to tell you I'm really sorr--

Wait, did you say "auto-land"?

Yeah! I bet they have

bumper cars, and automobile-shaped hot dogs.

There's an auto-land button?

Push it already. Push it!

Oh, so now you want me to push a button?

When there are car wieners involved!

-Well,I refuse-- -[beeps]

[Trent's voice] Commence auto-landing.

-[engines whining] -We'll be back on earth shortly.

Take that, space!

[groaning]

Did I miss anything?

I was awoken by the voice of a handsome angel.

You boys are heroes. That is why I am giving you both

fifteen dollars gift cards to the gift shop.

-[both gasp] -Hear that, Crash?

We made it to hero level.

Did you hear about the gift cards?

I'm gonna get a scarf!

Wyatt, I'm not being sarcastic when I say, I'm really glad you're safe.

Thanks, Cleo. I'm sorry you didn't get to go to space.

You should check out the spacecraft. It's epic!

That is a grand idea!

Sheela, why don't you give your new friend a tour?

Really? Brilliant.

-Let's go. You're gonna love it. -[Cleo giggles]

That was nice of us.

It was, wasn't it?

We... are good brothers.

So are you pushing the button or am I?

Let's do it together, sport.

[beeps]

[Trent's voice] Initiating launch sequence.

-Ten, nine, eight... -[engines whining]

-[both scream] - ...seven, six...

-[both] Brothers! - ...five, four...

[both laugh] We're jerks.

Oh!

Did you push the button without me?

Good day, sirs!

♪ Kick it down hardcore! ♪

Mr. Bixby,

so I know you wanted an alien to help sell your energy drink.

Well, I got one, and it'll only cost you a million dollars.

[laughs] I did not become a billionaire

being snookered by alien-toting ragamuffins!

I need proof!

Oh, I have proof.

Brung-splat!

By jove, it is an alien!

Well, will you take a check?

Yay! We made a million dollars!

Uh, I mean...

[flatly] Yay, frungle-blump!

That's not an alien. That's just Crash. No deal!

Darn it.

Come on, Crash. I thought we were gonna make some money.

-Yeah. -[whispers] Hey.

[gasps]

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪