Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down on Crash and Bern ♪

[shouting]

What are you clowns doing?

Playing tether pickle.

No, I mean, what are you clowns doing after high school?

Because it's obviously not college.

Who needs college if you're a highly paid tether pickler?

What does the winner get?

Nothing. We're just playing for fun.

I played for fun once.

It's a loser's game.

You guys need a wager.

You mean like if Bernstein drinks all this pickle water,

you'll give me your boots?

Ha! You're on!

I know from experience that the last four ounces

don't go as smoothly as the first 28.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Why do I have to drink the pickle water and then he gets the boots?

I'm not getting anything out of this.

Not with that attitude, you're not.

[retching]

Ah, the scent of victory.

Funny how it smells like old boots and vomit.

I'm gonna need those boots back.

I got a wedding next month.

-Double or nothing? -You're on.

[grunting] A hundred eight.

A hundred nine.

Aggh! 110!

-Whoo! -Whoo! I did it! 10 push-ups!

It is more impressive when you start counting at 100.

You stink at wagering.

We won your diploma, your Taffy collection

and the right to make you rap on command.

In fact... [beat-boxing]

♪ My name is Marty Poulos And I'm here to say ♪

♪ I dislike you both in a violent way! ♪

[beat-boxing]

Give me my stuff back!

What do you have to offer?

This book is my most prized possession.

My mother read it to me every night before bed.

That's a book on motorcycle repair.

A lot of motorcycles broke in my dreams!

Grease monkey: The art of motorcycle maintenance.

Let's do this.

I bet Bernstein can put on all the clothes in his closet in five minutes.

You're on.

-Four minutes and 53 seconds. -[Crash] Ha ha!

Seriously?

I've seen you take 20 minutes to tie a shoe.

Ha ha! We win! Face slam!

-[laughs] -Ah, oh, ah!

Careful with that book.

All the secrets to being a man are in there,

from changing oil to changing spark plugs.

Really doesn't take that much to be a man.

It looks good.

You're eating my book!

No, I'm eatingmy book.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Let me here you say Crash ♪

-You Pesto? -Yeah.

But that's not a real police car.

And Pesto's not a real name.

This is my department-issued P.E.V.--

personal electric vehicle.

I signed up for a ride-along.

And instead you got chosen for a run-behind. That's even better.

-No, it's not. -Yes, it is.

-No, it's really not. -Yes, it really is.

Oh, by the way, I will win this argument. I'm a police officer.

And a Capricorn, and that's why I'm moody in the summer.

-It's spring. -Don't push me, all right?

Here we go.

Run behind. Here we go. Hup! Two, three, four.

Hup, two-- where you at?

[hooting]

Gunky carburetor!

Gas line! Gunky clog!

Oh, boy! Take this off.

Smack this, spin this.

[hoots]

Okeydoke! All done!

-Enjoy. -[engine starts]

-What do you think you're doing? -I'm a grease monkey.

I ate a motorcycle book and now I can fix motorcycles.

[laughs] Yeah.

You can't make repairs without a license.

-That just cost you a hundred bucks. -Oh.

Now it cost me nothing.

Okay, all right.

All right, ripping up a ticket.

That's another 300 smackers.

Three hundred smackers?

Pesto, keep count.

[grunting]

[Crash laughing]

I think that was only seven, sir.

You will pay for these tickets.

Okay, how much do I owe you?

Oh, hey, I have a wallet just like that, with a chain--

Give me that!

[machine whirring]

Plugs changed!

Suspension fixed!

Next!

Ooh, ripped seat.

Faulty wires, busted spokes, blown belts.

Ooh, banana break.

Crash, what did you do to our hangout?

Isn't it great? [hoots]

Best motorcycle shop ever!

I'm gonna get money to pay back my tickets.

But you got those tickets for fixing motorcycles without a license.

Yep, pretty smart, huh?

-Where'd you get all these tools? -Oh, I won them from Mr. Poulos.

Never challenge a monkey to a poop-throwing contest.

That's really good advice. I got that in a fortune cookie once.

And check it out, Bernstein,

I have everything a guy needs to fix motorcycles.

-Perspiration. -Gross.

Inspiration. Hyah!

Well, that's something I can't unsee.

And a place for meditation.

It's really a stinky bathroom.

We have to shut this place down...

Tomorrow.

Okay, single file, people,

and don't wander into the service area.

-Grease monkey is very territorial. -[shrieking]

Sorry, old friend.

This color TV fad is lasting longer than I thought.

[imitating siren wailing]

Darn it, Pesto!

The siren stops when the P.E.V. Stops.

[wails]

Oh, now write this man up for illegally dumping trash.

That's not trash. That's a working television.

In that case, I'm confiscating it.

Pesto, collect the evidence

and make sure that it's transported safely to my rumpus room.

Don't listen to this tricycle cop.

He's riding that thing

because he backed his patrol car into my building!

-And you turned me in! -You broke my building!

So you guys know each other?

Oh! Bernstein, it's coming on!

Bring your bike, your chopper ,

even your grand mammy's scooter

down to grease monkey motorcycle repair.

We have the fastest mechanic in all of Portland.

But don't take my word for it.

Like you, I trust all my fine mechanical work to monkeys.

Grease monkey is honest,

courteous and he'll eat the fleas off your back

for no extra charge.

When my hog blew a gasket from illegal street racing,

grease monkey fixed it

and gave me his recipe for banana bread.

No one fixes motorcycles faster than grease monkey.

In fact, we'll fix your bike in one day or refund your money.

Plus, Bernstein will wash your cat's butt.

-What? -But don't take my word for it.

Listen to this satisfied customer.

[meows, purrs]

Wait. You said you were gonna edit that part out.

People really seem to like my banana bread recipe.

Not that thing.

The thing about washing cat butts.

Oh. I don't know what your secret is,

but that cat sure seemed happy.

[cats meowing]

That's a lot of customers.

Are you sure you're gonna be able to fix all these?

Don't worry, Bernstein. I am completely focused.

Nothing can distract me.

Ooh, bathroom's open!

-[meows] -Oh, good.

You brought your cat's butt.

Yikes. What, is his tongue broken?

Good morning, young man.

Any crime around these parts?

Whoa. Nice holster.

I can see you're packing nothing.

Not true.

I'm carrying officer Plotkin's non-dairy creamer.

He's as intolerant of lactose as he is of crime.

Eww! It stinks in there.

Who hung this thing? Yuck!

Wait. What happened? Why aren't you grease monkey?

I have no idea.

Oh, no, you must have passed the motorcycle book out of your system.

I do feel 327 pages lighter.

[screeches]

Please tell me you still know how to fix motorcycles.

Of course I still know how to fix motorcycles.

No, stop, stop.

Man, I need to get that book back.

Okay, new plan.

All right, give me my stuff back.

I have a date tonight, and I wanna show her my diploma.

Then all that's left to do is convince her

that plumbers college is a prestigious law school.

Hold on. I said I wanted to make a deal.

What do you want me to do? Roll around like a slug?

Paint a face on my chin and talk upside down?

No-- you can do that?

For a price.

Anyways, Crash doesn't know how to fix motorcycles anymore,

and Ireally need your help.

I'll give you your tools back.

I suppose I can help you.

Good. I really don't wanna wash cat butts.

You're offering to wash cat butts? How do I get in on that?

You don't even have a cat.

If it's free, I can get one.

Okay, then I connect the shiny metal thingy...

-[grinding] -To the circle doodad.

Oops. Wrong tool.

[grunting]

Oh! Oh, I see what the problem is.

I don't know what I'm doing!

That's right, Crash.

I don't know what we're doing either with these low, low prices.

Yeah.

You have to get me out of this. That lady owns a cat shelter.

[meowing]

Relax, I'm on it.

Just keep Crash away from me.

Crash, take a break.

Great, I'm starving.

Oh, Modern Archery .

This looks good.

-[yelps] -What the...?

I am Sir Crash of Locksley.

'Tis a lovely day for a fool hunt.

[gasps] Gob smack!

There's a fool now.

[screams]

Get away from me, you're making me angry.

Angry: exhibiting a characteristic or creating a mood associated with anger.

See... Mr. Poulos. I'll show you a mood.

Mr. Poulos: a man who hits like a baby bird.

Synonym: Weakling.

Now what?

[sighs]

I feel like a man whose hopes have been destroyed,

who dances beautifully, but always alone.

What did you just say?

Sorry, Mr. Poulos, but Crash just ate your diary.

[blubbers]

[both wailing]

You will get to Paris someday! I just know it!

[imitating siren wailing]

Ow!

What are you doing back there?

Sorry, sir.

This comic book's really good. It's about a super cop.

Oh, is that so?

And how does one become a super cop?

In this case, he gets bitten by a radioactive cop.

Oh, makes sense.

-[backfires] -Come on! Come on, baby.

Come on! Come on!

Work it... No! Fiddlesticks!

You should get this fixed.

Oh, I can't bring it to the police garage.

I've already totaled two cruisers, one motorcycle and a horse.

One more busted vehicle, I'm on mall duty.

And you don't ever come back from that.

Maybe my friends can fix it. They run the grease monkey garage.

The one with the cat butt guarantee?

You think they'll do a dog under seven pounds?

I can put in a word.

All right, that's the last one.

I wish we could stay open longer.

We're still a few hundred short of paying Crash's tickets.

Not my problem.

Finding a diet cotton candy, that's my problem.

At ease, civilians.

We're here on official police business.

You have a pepper mill and a cucumber in your utility belt.

What are you gonna do? Make us a salad?

If I have to.

You guys think you could fix this?

Wait a minute. He works here?

What's it to you, Plotkin?

You probably can't tell from the tone of his voice,

but he doesn't like you.

Oh, well, I guess I won't be invited to his birthday party.

You're right. You won't.

And it's at the roller rink, so it stinks to be you.

Officer, Mr. Poulos is an excellent mechanic.

We'll fix your scooter.

It's not a scooter.

Do I look like a man who scoots?

Uh...

Yes?

I'll make you a deal.

We'll fix your whatever-you-call-it if you rip up Crash's tickets.

Deal. And, Poulos,

if anything happens to this baby,

I will make your life a living nightmare.

Ha! Too late!

It already is, sucka!

-[laughs] -Come on.

This should be easy. Probably just the motor.

Let's take a look.

Oh! I see the problem.

There's a cashew wedged in the gearbox.

Start 'er up.

Yay! New thing!

-Crash, no! -Giddyap, hondo.

Wohoo!

[crashes]

Guys, we're gonna need a new new thing.

Hey, I stopped by the hangout and... [high-pitched screaming]

Oh my gosh!

Is this the personal electric vehicle?

What have you done?

Don't get your bloomers in a bunch.

I got the instructions.

Get if off me!

You should read my comic book.

The hero rides a vehicle like this,

except it has a turbo button and a self-destruct mechanism.

You should have a self-destruct mechanism.

Mr. Poulos, did you finish?

Don't eat my beard, you pirate!

How much of that did you hear?

Too much.

It's not fixed! You said you were gonna fix it.

I tried. Look at this.

The instructions are all pictures and arrows.

Hey, I can do this.

Kids my age read better when there are no words.

Ha! If you can fix this, I'll pull out a tooth.

-Thanks, but there's really no need-- -Ah! A bet's a bet.

Ta-da!

Na-Na!

Crash, what are you doing? I already fixed it.

And I re-fixed it, Bernstein.

Give my compliments

to the chef who wrote that instruction manual.

[kisses] Magnifique!

A-ha! Technically you didn't fix it.

So the bet's off.

Although, I got a molar that's been giving me the what-for.

Here, do me a solid.

Yank this string.

Ha, I'll pass.

The instruction manual didn't fill me up, so I ate Pesto's comic book, too.

That's where I got the idea to install the turbo button

and a self-destruct mechanism.

Wait, did you say self-destruct?

Yeah, the button's here on the key chain next to the alarm.

-Why would you-- -I know what you're gonna say.

Why install an alarm instead of a second self-destruct button?

Live and learn.

All right, my vehicle better be ready, or I'm busting out the pepper spray.

-[Crash gasps] -[laughs]

Just kidding. They took away my pepper spray.

This is just olive oil. It'll still sting your eyes.

It's infused with garlic.

Don't mention the new stuff.

That red thing's a turbo button.

Why do I even try?

I'd didn't ask for a turbo button. That doesn't sound safe.

-Oh, it isn't. -Then I don't want it.

Deal's off. This isn't fixed.

Wait, I'm sure it's fine. Crash will test it.

Huh. Okay.

Ride down to 3rd and Baker and grab me a froyo.

Be back in five minutes or no deal.

What? That's impossible. It's four miles away.

Yeah, wouldn't you rather just have Bernstein wash your cats' butts?

Time to test out that turbo button.

W-Wait, wait-- [screaming]

Hey, Lenny, nice toupee!

[screaming]

Hey, Lenny, sorry about your toupee.

[tires screech]

-[clicks] -Oh, impressive.

I know. You can barely tell that it's a wig.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Okay, give me the keys.

First, there's something you should know

about the alarm button on the key chain.

You're just a kid.

What do you know about key chains?

I'll have you know I work as a valet on weekends.

-But it's-- no, it'll go... -[speaking gibberish]

-[mimics explosion] -The keys.

Okay, in that case,

will you please rip up Crash's tickets first?

It's not littering if a cop does it.

All right.

[car chirps]

[sighs]

-Hmm. What does this other button do? -[all gasp]

No!

It's not a total loss.

At least your siren still works.

Go ahead, Pesto. Cheer him up.

[imitating siren]

Aghh! Who orders froyo without gummy bears?

I can't eat this.

[chuckles] Who am I kidding?

Down the hatch.

[mumbles] Mmm, good.

My name is Marty Poulos.

You might know me from Portland's Hottest Plumber calendar.

I was Mr. October.

Maybe this will jog your memory.

I'm the best plumber in town, but don't take my word for it.

Mr. Poulos came to fix my bathtub

and ate all the salami in my fridge.

You said that salami was up for grabs!

And you said plumbers college was a law school.

And another thing, when I call you to fix my bathtub,

it's not a date!

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪