Original subtitles

Guys, I got something from my dad.

Oh, I hope it's a box!

It is a box!

"Yo, my man." That's me!

"As promised,

here's the camera I used to photograph gorillas in the Congo,

the Dalai Lama playing soccer

and you when you were a minute old."

I've seen that picture.

You have not aged well.

"Hey, bud, sorry I haven't been around."

He's having a moment!

Let's not make it awkward by talking about it.

-Well, you're talking-- -Aw, way to make it awkward, Pesto!

I'm sorry, Bernstein.

My dad took this camera everywhere.

He's says a good photographer is always ready to react.

-Hey, Bernstein, come here. -Yeah?

Oh, too slow.

Oh, I'm gonna send him some shots from our fishing trip tomorrow.

-Take a shot of us right now. -[laughs]

Pesto? The camera's over here.

I always ponder to the right. It's modeling 101.

You wouldn't understand.

Okay.

Hold on.

Just a sec.

Almost got it.

Ah, there!

Wait, Crash, you're still blurry.

Oh, wait.

How's that?

That doesn't even make any sense.

Oh, well! Cheese.

[camera shutter clicks]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

Sailors!

I'm your captain.

You follow my orders, and I will take care of you.

Oh, that's great.

I'll have scrambled eggs, hash browns

and French toast, hold the French.

I'd rather hold your funeral.

So was that a "no" on French toast?

All right now.

This is a fishing trip.

That means we fish.

No games, no phones,

no gadgeamagigs, period.

I believe that's a gadgeamagig.

It's a camera. My dad sent it to me.

Hey, how is your old man?

Took some nice shots of me for my 2008 plumbing calendar.

I still get calls from that.

All right, the camera can come.

But only photograph my good side.

Ooh! Can I pick?

Well, we all know it's not that side.

There are no good choices.

Anything else?

Just my survival guide.

You don't need a survival guide.

You got me! I got everything we need.

Aw, I forgot the keys.

Oh, and the map! I'll be right back.

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

Wow, it's foggy out here.

[imitates fog horn]

Crash, be quiet. You're gonna scare away the fish.

[quietly imitating fog horn]

All right, let's get fishing.

I got worms. Who's hungry?

Oh, me, me, me! [gobbles loudly]

Crash, that was the bait!

Now, how are we going to catch fish?

Cast away, Wyatt!

I'm the bait!

What do we do now?

We could row back to shore and never speak of this again.

Whoa! I think I've got something.

Give it some slack! Not too much slack!

More! Less!

[reel clicking, line wheezing]

I think he got away.

That was too much slack.

[Crash shouts, grunts loudly]

[grunting]

Ah! Row! Row! Let's get out of here.

Why? This is a great spot. You just caught a big one.

I didn't exactly catch it. I stole it from a shark.

We're on a lake.

There's no such thing as a shark in a lake.

[boat banging]

What just bumped the boat? Was that a shark?

-That was nothing. -Yes, it was!

I'm getting a picture of a lake shark.

It's not a lake shark.

-There it is! -Ah!

I missed it.

I've been fishing out here my whole life.

There is no such thing as a lake shark.

Lake shark!

Row! Row! Row!

[both shouting]

I can't believe I missed a shot of the lake shark.

I think I pulled a lung.

I can't move.

We seem to have landed on Bigfoot island.

Bigfoot?

Lung's better. Let's move.

No way. I'm getting a picture of Bigfoot.

The island is called that

because it's shaped like a giant clodhopper.

There's no such thing as Bigfoot.

That's what you said about the lake shark

and Bernstein got an awesome picture of it!

Wait. No, you didn't.

Thanks, Crash.

All right, we'll head back in an hour.

Let's go find some firewood so we can cook our fish.

While you're out, will you get me a pizza?

Some Chinese?

A burrito?

Wow, great fire.

Where'd you find all the wood?

Oh, it was right here on the beach. [chuckles]

What?

Ha!

You burned my boat!

My family's been fishing in that for 50 years!

[scoffs] There weren't even boats back then.

Water was invented, like, 32 years ago.

You're dumber than a--

I can't think of anything!

-This is for you! -Oh!

Oh, this is so unexpected. I didn't even prepare a speech.

"I'd like to thank the academy, my brother Wyatt,

and, of course, I could not have started this fire without Mr. Poulos's boat."

I'm gonna strangle him.

At least he thanked you in his speech.

He didn't even mention me.

We're stuck on this island and it's all his fault!

Although, you're the one who made sure we couldn't call for help

by making us drop our phones in a pickle box.

Are you wearing the captain's hat?

Then zip it!

Wait, where's my captain's hat? Crash!

Yes?

-Give me that! -[laughs]

Shimmy up that rock and see if you can find a way off this island.

Aye aye.

Let's see.

[humming]

[shuddering]

Oh! Ooh!

Oh, oh, oh!

[gasps]

Bigfoot! Ah!

[grunting]

[Crash shuddering]

Bi-bi-bi-bi--foo-foo-foo--

Bi-bi-bi-bi--

Foo-foo-foo-foo-foo--!

Bi-bi-bi-bi-- Foo-foo-foo--

-Bi-bi-bi-bi-- -Crash?

What is it? What did you see?

-Oh, uh uh uh-- -Your toe?

-Uh-- -Toe jam?

-Uh-- -Toe nail?

Little piggy went to the market?

[Wyatt] Oh, your foot?

-Ah! -Barefoot contessa!

[Crash] Oh!

Uh... [growls]

-Um... Large foot? -[growling]

-Bigfoot? -Ha ha!

Bigfoot? You saw Bigfoot?

Yeah, what part of "bi-bi-bi-bi-foo-foo-foo"

did you not understand?

[creature growling]

Where'd that come from?

Bigfoot's mouth.

I hope.

That's it. I'm getting a picture of Bigfoot.

No, you're not. You're stayin' put.

When someone comes to rescue us, we need to be ready to move.

But it's Bigfoot.

This would be the greatest picture ever. My dad will go nuts.

I'm the captain, and I say, stay put!

If anyone leaves, it puts the whole group in jeopardy.

[creature growls]

Uh...

That was a test.

Good job. You all passed.

[laughs] Yeah.

This survival guide has everything--

How to build a shelter, how to make a blow dart,

how to find food.

That's miner's lettuce.

That's not food, that's salad.

The captain will feed his crew.

Ah.

Ha!

Grubs.

Like eating somebody else's snot,

but it'll keep us alive.

[grunting]

Bursting with flavor.

[gags]

[gagging]

I gotta wash that down.

Fortunately I built up some moisture in my sweat sock.

-[clicking] -This stinks.

Bigfoot could be out there right now.

Whoa!

[clicking]

Hey, Bernstein.

Like my fishing slippers?

I keep my fish hooks in 'em.

Ow, ow, ow.

[creature bellows]

Okay, I don't know if that's Bigfoot,

but whatever it is, I'm getting a picture of it.

Hey, Bernstein, wait for me!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going?

Where's Wyatt?

I cannot tell a lie.

He went to the grocery store to buy Greek yogurt.

I can tell a lie!

You're handsome.

You think it's easy being the captain?

It's a lot of pressure!

It's not all tap dancing on the poop deck.

That stays between us.

Mr. Poulos, are you all right?

Of course I'm all right!

I'm the captain! I'm in control.

Yeah, well, Crash just ran away.

[stammering]

[grunting]

All right! Hey, what should we do?

Do you want me to go look for Wyatt and Crash?

No, I'm the captain. You stay put. I'll go.

-[creature growling] -Or...

We could rock, paper, scissors for it.

[grunting]

Bernstein?

Where are you?

[owl hooting]

My buddy Bernstein. Have you seen him?

[hooting]

[sighs] I just told you.

He's yea high, breath smells like toothpaste.

[creature bellowing]

That's Bigfoot.

[owl hooting]

The guy who just howled, that's who!

Gee, people say I'm slow to pick up on things.

Whoa! [grunting]

Help me! I fell in a hole!

[owl hooting]

Ugh, stupid penguin.

Rock, paper, scissors!

Ha! Paper beats rock.

In what world does paper beat rock?

Here, take this paper.

Ha.

How do you like your rocks now, paper boy?

-Hey. -Oh, look who's here.

Mr. Run-off-and-leave-the-group!

We're in serious danger here, Wyatt.

We gotta get off this island before Bigfoot eats us.

And I'm pretty sure I'm the tenderest one here.

Gonna slap a little salt on me and it's good-bye, Poulos!

-He's kind of losing it. -I am not losing it!

Yeah, sounds like you're losing it.

Thanks to you, we're still a man down.

Crash is out there looking for you in Bigfoot country.

Oh, no, Crash is out there? I--I gotta go find him.

No, get back here! Wyatt, stay put.

Are you gonna bite a log again?

'Cause that was fun to watch.

Crash?

Crash?

Bernstein? Bernstein, I'm over here.

[creature bellows]

Bigfoot's out there. Don't let him get me!

At least I think it's a him.

What if it's a her?

How would you tell them apart?

[gasps] I bet Mrs. Bigfoot wears high heels!

Can we have this discussion when I'm not trying to save your life?

It's never a good time to talk with you, is it, Bernstein?

-[grunting] -Come on.

[straining]

I can't reach.

I'm sorry I led you out here.

All this happened just because I wanted a stupid picture.

Yeah, you're pretty irresponsible.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

All right, see if you can reach my camera.

[both straining]

Got it!

Good! Now pull yourself up.

Strap broke.

[creature bellows]

Hang on, Crash.

I will, Bernstein.

If I don't make it out of here,

there's one thing I need to tell you.

Forget the high heels. Mr. Bigfoot will probably wear a tie.

That makes way more sense.

[creature bellowing]

Hang on, Crash. Don't drop my dad's camera.

I would never do that.

It means more to you than anything in the world.

[creature growls]

You know what? Drop the camera.

-No way, this is your dad's-- -Just drop it!

[grunts]

[grunting]

Ah! Sorry about your camera, dude.

You're safe. That's more important.

[man] Man! Right on my foot!

That doesn't sound like Bigfoot. That sounds like a guy. Hello?

[man] Hey, you wouldn't be missing a 30 lb. camera, would you?

Is it broken?

No, but three of my toes are a little mushy.

Hey, there's some rope up there.

Could you try to pull me out?

Almost there. Pull, Crash.

-Pull! -[Crash grunting]

-Bigfoot! -Oh!

[man shouts]

Why are you rubbing mud on your face?

I have moisturizer.

I'm going into battle.

If this is about the paper and rock thing, I surrender.

Just give me your survival guide.

I'm going after Bigfoot.

Okay.

But I'm gonna need the book back.

I'm pretty sure I gotta go big-potty later.

Well, thanks for pulling me out.

You know, the-- The second time,

after you dropped me on my head and then laughed about it.

[laughs] That was me.

Well, the camera seems to be okay.

Uh, could you not take my picture?

Why? Because you're Bigfoot?

No! Is that what you think?

I'm sure you've heard it before.

No, I have not.

And I think I would remember being compared

to a make-believe disgusting ape man.

Yeah, no, this is a first.

I'm just saying, you're big and hairy

and you live on Bigfoot island.

I don't live here.

I took a boat over here.

You have a boat?

Of course I have a boat.

How else do you think I got to an island?

Oh, no, wait, I know.

"Bigfoot is an excellent swimmer."

Stereotypes hurt, buster.

That's not what I meant.

Yeah. You're touchy.

I'm sorry. I'm a little cranky.

I've been out here for three weeks.

You grew all that hair in three weeks?

Yeah.

Never turn 40, kid.

Ugh. Mmm.

Well, can you take us to your boat?

Yeah. Let's see, it's hidden right over--

[blows]

Ow!

Ha!

Take that, Bigfoot.

That is how a captain takes care of his crew.

Oh, wait, that's a dude.

You shot our one ticket off the island.

Right. Well, I agree.

We gotta find his boat before he wakes up.

Hey, Bernstein, Meet my new friend.

He's a real dummy.

"Hey, Crash, I met a nice Irishman the other day."

Oh, really?

"No, O'reilly!" [laughs]

Oh, Bigfoot, you kill me.

Don't get any ideas.

-He's waking up. -[sighs]

Oh! Who shot me?

Oh, no, let me guess.

The bearded shrub?

Don't get angry.

I had a perfectly good reason.

I thought you were a monster.

You people are relentless.

You're worse than the kids at the public pool.

You can find your own way off this island.

Wait, wait! What about your boat?

You guys really shouldn't have called him Bigfoot.

You know, I'm pretty sure he was okay until the poisonous dart!

I guess we'll never know.

[man] Just to be clear,

were it not for the poisonous dart,

I would be helping you off this island as we speak.

Yep. It's really a mystery.

I'm hungry.

I thought we'd be eating Bigfoot burgers by now.

All I have left are some wild peppers, but they're way too hot to eat raw.

Maybe for you, but I have an iron stomach.

[gobbles loudly]

Ah! Oh!

[moaning]

Iron stomach melting!

Aah!

Quit messing around.

We have to find a way to signal people on shore

or we're never gonna get off this island.

[grunting] Oh!

Ah!

Oh.

Oh, yeah, the field guide said that might happen.

Wait a minute, this might be our way out of here.

Huh?

Pesto, more peppers.

Fire in the hole!

Whoa, whoa! Whaaa! Oh!

-[camera shutter clicking] -Whoa! Ooh, ooh! Whaa!

Do you think anyone saw those flares?

I'm sure somewhere in Portland there's a lonely guy

looking out his window through a telescope.

What? It's a legitimate hobby.

[sighs]

You know, all in all, this is pretty great.

I might not have gotten a picture of Bigfoot,

but I doubt my dad's ever gotten a shot of a flying butt pepper.

See? Everything worked out.

Even if we all are gonna die here.

We've had a lot of good times, Bernstein.

Hey, remember when I thought I had an iron stomach

and I ate all those peppers?

We had our whole lives ahead of us.

[blades whirring]

Helicopter!

See? I told you I'd get us rescued.

Go away!

Bernstein and I are having a moment!

[all] No! No, don't go away! Don't go away!

-We're here! -Over here!

-Bernstein! -Don't go away!

[sizzling]

Oh! Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Hey, Crash?

Where's Wyatt?

The paper printed one of the photos he took on our trip.

[Crash] "Idiots Rescued From Big Foot Island"!

[gasps] We're famous!

Captain Poulos?

Do I know you?

You might not recognize me clean-shaven,

but I have something that belongs to you.

What the--

Oh.

[laughs]

♪ You got shot by Bigfoot! ♪

Wait.

Is that all you got?

No.

Oh, that's the one.

[snoring]

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪