Original subtitles

Bobsled time!

Rickety box?

Check.

Slapped-on roller skate wheels?

Check.

Last will and testament?

Check.

I'm leaving you nothing!

Okay, time to find out

if this whole gravity thing really exists.

I'm pretty sure we can test that by dropping a rock.

Okay. [grunts]

Ow!

Data inconclusive.

Your foot got in the way.

Gravity!

[screams]

I'm science.

Whee! Ow!

[chuckles] Whoa.

Oh.

Hey, Mom.

Funny I should run into you while I'm out shopping

for a "world's greatest mom" mug.

Save it, Wyatt.

Fine. If you want to keep drinking your coffee

out of that stupid "I heart sudoku" cup.

Okay, first of all, I do heart sudoku.

I heart it a lot.

Secondly, you're grounded.

What? Why me?

I had nothing to do with this.

Bernstein!

Bernstein, we did it.

We found gravity.

I don't know why I'm saying "we."

You were the real brains behind the operation.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. B.

Want to go next?

You have to ask Wyatt.

This is really his thing.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

If you really want to punish us,

you should take us with you to coaster world

and make us ride all the roller coasters.

-That'll scare us straight. -Oh, yeah, yeah.

And make us eat cotton candy until we puke.

That'll learn us good.

Nice try. No.

I'm taking the girls and their friends

out to have some fun, and you two

are going to stay home and be punished.

Punished?

For what?

Oh, yeah.

When I was all "whee!" [imitates explosion]

And you were all "nyah, nyah, nyah!"

And Bernstein was all "duhh."

And you were all "wahh!"

-And I was all-- -I think we're caught up.

All I'm saying is accidents happen.

Oh, I know all about accidents.

You know, sometimes the bodies are never recovered.

[shudders]

I'm sure this isn't what you're going for, Mrs. B,

but you can occasionally be a tad scary.

-Boo! -[screams]

Hello.

Dad's here!

Let the fun begin.

Ah, ah, ah. Being grounded is not about fun.

Right, Karl?

Karl!

Yeah? What, no. No.

It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's about...

[both] Reflecting about what you did.

-And how... -[both] Sorry you are

-about it. -About it.

And suffering?

A lot of suffering. What do you guys hate?

-Nachos. -Video games.

Then we will be doing plenty of that!

Karl.

I mean, none of that.

I got this.

This wasn't part of the deal.

Yeah, well, it is now.

Old man Shubb says he won't press charges

for the damage if we do this project for him, so--

Look, it's just putting fruit on skewers.

He said any idiot could do it.

Hey!

I'm standing right here.

The elevator's busted.

How are we gonna get all this fruit up to the apartment?

We are gonna use a little invention

I like to call the stairs.

Karl, 1997 called.

They want their lame way of transporting goods back.

How about you let "the idiot" handle this one?

Cantaloupe in the hole.

[grunts, chuckles]

Incoming!

Ready!

[grunts]

I think we should switch places.

[grunts] Weird apples coming in hot!

[grunts]

I think I see them.

Maybe you should wear the glove.

[grunts]

[Wyatt] Little to the left!

I'll check my calculations.

Ah!

That makes sense.

Got it!

[grunts, chuckles]

Right on target, keep 'em coming!

-All right. -[both] Whoa.

Take cover!

Take cover!

[shouts]

Whoa.

Aah!

I knew this was a bad idea.

Well, it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.

Well, at least this isn't broken.

[grunts] Whoa! Fixed that.

No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is bad.

Oh, no. Is that...?

[both] Pookins.

Who's Pookins?

It was Mom's childhood pet.

She had a pet jar full of dust?

I guess it's true what they say. Weird kids make weird grown-ups.

Okay, all right all right all right.

All right, listen.

Wyatt, go get the glue. We can put the urn back together.

Crash, get a broom. We can carefully sweep up the ashes.

Fly Pookins!

You're free!

[shouts]

[chuckles] Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

A little salt.

A little pepper.

It looks like Pookins.

Yeah.

Okay, but Mom will kill us if she finds out.

Is that how Pookins got it?

She's not gonna find out.

I'm serious, guys. We take this to our graves.

Can Crash keep a secret?

Of course I can keep a secret.

I never told you what I did with your toothbrush.

What'd you do with my toothbrush?

Shh.

It's a secret.

There's no time for that now.

We'll get you a new toothbrush,

and meanwhile you should gargle with something strong.

The point is, is no one ever finds out about this.

Do you understand? All right. Hands in.

-Let's shake on it. -One...

-Two. -Three.

-Four! -[all scream]

Jasmine.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were with mommy.

She left without me.

I was in my room.

How much did you hear?

You mean about breaking the Pookins jar and refilling it with salt and pepper?

Wow.

You've got really good hearing.

We're gonna need another jar for Jasmine.

I heard that too.

[chuckles]

Okay, let's not blow this out of proportion.

Jasmine's a reasonable little girl.

Jasmine?

Reasonable?

Bernstein accidentally erased

one of Jasmine's Princess shows from the DVR,

and she called the cops.

Okay, well, I'm her father. I'll just work my dad magic.

Oh, hey, Karl. Remember me?

Did you have that chat with Jasmine yet? Did you? Huh, huh?

Hey, sweetie. What you doing?

Drawing a picture of mommy, Wyatt, and Crash.

Aww. That's sweet.

Mommy just found out what Wyatt and Crash did to Pookins.

[gasps]

Are mommy's eyes on fire?

Uh-huh.

And there's the hole where her heart used to be.

[chuckles]

Glitter blood.

That's creative.

Hey, um... I know, I know.

Who wants an ice cream sundae?

Huh?

You know what I love about ice cream sundaes?

Is how all the ingredients get along together

and don't tattle on one another.

Don't worry, daddy.

I'm only telling on Wyatt and Crash.

Mommy won't get mad at you.

Aww.

Sweetie, that's-- see, here's the thing.

Your mother is like a really pretty volcano.

Right? You never know when she's gonna erupt,

but you do know that the lava is gonna burn.

That's nice. I'll tell mommy you said that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You could just leave your mother out of this, right?

And just not tattle on anyone, right?

I know.

I have some demands.

A magic show was such a great idea, Jasmine.

It's so much better than telling mom about the Pookins jar, huh?

We'll see.

Whoa.

I am Crash mind freak, mind freak, mind freak.

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

Here is an ordinary deck of cards.

You guys are in luck.

This is my hottest trick.

[grunts]

-[screams] -Not part of the trick.

Drop and roll.

Okay.

No more magic.

For my next trick.

[grunts]

I will make my assistant disappear.

Oh, assistant?

Yeah.

I'd rather you make this outfit disappear.

-I can do that. -No!

In you go.

-What am I supposed to do? -Just relax.

I'm gonna magic you.

[Wyatt screams, grunts]

Is he okay?

He's fine.

Magic nowadays involves a lot of screaming.

-Oh. -Na-nah.

And now I will magic him back.

[grunts]

Booga-booga-booga.

Na-nah.

Huh?

Where's Wyatt?

It's okay, honey.

It's just a trick.

You know like when daddy pulls his finger apart.

[screams] He's a witch! Witch!

Oh, okay. Oh.

Oh, Wyatt.

-Wyatt? -[Wyatt] I'm okay.

Really?

He's okay?

Na-nah.

And now for a little hypnosis.

Have a seat right here, young lady. That's good.

[grunts]

Look into my eyes.

You will say "I am Sally Mcstupid,"

and break things for no reason.

Nice try.

It didn't work.

I'm Sally Mcstupid.

Amber from my class lives below us,

and it's her birthday.

And I just landed in her birthday cake wearing eye makeup.

Bernstein, I know you're upset. Can I get a wipe of your butt frosting?

[chuckles] Yes, sir.

Dad, what are you doing?

Oh, I hypnotized him.

Really?

Yeah. I can get him to do anything I want.

Great. Make him do that fruit project for Shubb's.

Or I can turn him into a glass of milk

so I have something to drink with my butt frosting.

Just--yeah. The fruit thing first.

All right.

Ah.

Nice job, Karl.

This hypnosis thing is fun.

You're a duck.

Quack.

Quack, quack.

Hey. Hey, Karl.

What do you call that thing that sticks out of a plumber's pants

when he bends over?

-Quack. -[laughs]

Classic.

Okay. The fruit's all done and you've had a fun day of magic.

Now you have to promise you won't tell on us to Mom.

Be my kitty cat.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

There's no way I'm acting like a cat for you.

Take a minute to get into character.

[sighs] Meow, meow.

Purr, purr.

[door opens]

Meow.

I'm a pretty little kitty cat.

My name is whiskers.

Meow, meow.

Oh, Amber.

-[chuckles] -Hey, you know.

I'm just doing this cat thing for my little sister.

You know Jasmine, right?

Jasmine?

Ja--?

Just great.

[growls]

Hey, Crash. I see she talked you into it too.

[growls]

Crash?

Puppy doesn't like cats.

-[growls] -[screams]

[barking]

That was fun.

[sighs]

Okay, Jasmine. What do you want us to do next?

Mmm, we're good.

So you're not gonna tell mom?

Nah.

I look forward to blackmailing you again someday.

[Wyatt] Whew! Okay, now we just need

to do a quick clean up and then we're home free.

-Yeah. -Dad?

Wait, where is dad?

How should I know?

Last I saw him, he was a duck.

Oh, right.

Wait, a what?

Quack.

Quack.

Quack.

I'm sure your dad will be fine, Bernstein.

You know ducks. They find their way home.

Or to a Chinese restaurant.

Can we order Chinese?

We need to find Dad.

And we had Chinese last night.

Oh. Relax.

If there's one thing I know, it's how to find a duck.

-[blows duck call] -I don't know how this will help,

but I am rocking this beard.

[southern accent] You are looking good, bubba.

What say we go hunt us a duck?

[southern accent] I wouldn't be wearing duck hunting attire

if I wasn't fixing to hunt duck.

Don't you sass me.

[both blow duck calls]

Good talk.

There he is. Good thing I brought some bread.

What?

That's not how you catch a duck.

I got everything we need.

Duck call,

duck net,

duct tape.

Let's just sneak up on him.

[gasps]

I have been hunting duck for 40 years.

You do not have to tell me about sneaking up on a duck.

You have to stay focused and--

[gasps]

Puddle!

Ha!

[chuckles]

-Whoo-Hoo! -Crash?

-[laughs] -Dad's gone.

Huh?

Oh, don't take it personal, bubba.

Ducks can be rude.

Ooh, Puddle!

[laughs]

[humming]

We've looked everywhere for Dad.

We're running out of time. Mom will be home soon.

Maybe we should go to the park,

pick up another duck, and your mom won't notice.

[sighs]

-Dad! -Quack.

Okay, he's still a duck.

How'd you get here?

[southern accent] I done found the duck.

It's been a really weird day.

Quack.

Okay. We have to get this place cleaned up.

Crash, unhypnotize Dad.

-Okay. -Wait, wait.

You can get him to do whatever we want?

Sure, watch this.

Karl, cheerleader.

♪ V-V-Victory ♪

♪ For var-var-varsity! ♪

Wohoo!

Wohoo!

[both chuckle]

Okay.

-That is pretty funny. -Yeah.

But I was thinking maybe let's have him clean the apartment?

Right, right.

We got spirit, yes, we do!

[both laugh]

Well done, Karl.

Snap out of it.

Wow.

Guys, the place looks great.

Why are my pants wet?

I ask myself the same question every morning, Karl.

I'm home.

Okay, before-- before I open my eyes,

you want to prepare me for the worst?

I didn't get a call from the hospital or the police,

but that could be a trick.

The place...

looks actually cleaner than when I left.

You have to admit, we're pretty awesome at being grounded.

Yeah.

I had my doubts, but you guys proved me wrong.

[chuckles]

Hey, what do you say we order a pizza--?

Oh, no, no, no, no. The giant hole.

Karl, you didn't fix the hole?

When was I supposed to fix the hole?

When I hypnotized you to be the fix-it guy.

What? When was that?

-After you were the duck. -Please, say something that makes sense.

Guys, guys. Mom will be back up here any minute.

-We need a plan. -All right, calm down.

As the responsible adult,

I think I have enough gas in my car to get us to Canada.

Oh, let's go.

A hole in the floor?

How irresponsible can you be?

Is that a challenge, Mrs. B?

Crash, not now.

I'm just saying we can win this.

After all, it wasn't us who left Jasmine at home

when we went to coaster world.

What are you talking about?

You forgot me.

Uh-huh.

Jasmine.

Ohh.

Sweetie, weren't you in the other car with your sisters?

No.

There were so many people there,

and she's very small, and I just--

Ah, okay. We're even.

You bet we're even.

We put a hole in the floor, but you forgot Jasmine.

You're right.

We turned Karl into a duck, but you forgot Jasmine.

I'm sorry, did you say "a duck"?

Crash, stop talking.

We lit the couch on fire, but you forgot Jasmine.

I mean it, Crash. Shut up.

We spilled Pookins' ashes

and replaced them with salt and pepper, but you--

-You did what? -You did what?

[stammers]

[blows duck call]

[blows duck call]

Mel, were you calling me? I could swear someone was calling me.

Wasn't me.

[blows duck call]

-[gasps] -Crash, stop hunting Karl.

[southern accent] You can't see me, Mrs. B.

I am camouflaged.

How do you feel about duck soup?

-Sounds great to me. -Yeah.

Hey, Karl.

Why don't you take a dip in the hot tub?

And hold these carrots for me.

You know I'm not a duck, right?

I can't understand you.

Let me speak your language.

[blows duck call]

-Ooh. A duck. -Huh?

[stammers, grunts]

Mmm.

I am good eating.

♪ Crash and Bern, hardcore ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said Stein ♪ -♪ What he said ♪