Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down on Crash and Bern ♪

Bernstein! Bernstein!

I just heard the most amazing thing!

I have to tell you right this second!

It can't wait any longer!

-Oh. Can I have a cheesy bit? -Sure.

Ugh! This is no time for snacks, Bernstein!

I've got news!

A day is coming that sounds like the awesomest day ever.

It's called Christmas.

Actually, Crash, we don't celebrate--

No worries, Bernstein. I got everything we need.

This bad boy was just sitting in the park

right in front of a sign that said "Portland's oldest tree."

And look!

Stockings with our names written in rhinestones.

Please tell me these weren't in front of a sign

that said "Portland's oldest lady."

-[grunts] -Crash, you don't understand.

-We don't-- -I know what you're gonna say.

Everything needs to be ridiculously overdecorated.

That's why I swallowed 73 lbs. of Christmas lights.

[puking]

Crash, we don't celebrate Christmas.

[gasps]

-[coughs] -[clatters]

[clears throat]

-Excuse me. -[sighs]

Crash, I know Christmas sounds great,

but our family celebrates Hanukkah.

Remember when we lit the Menorah and opened presents?

I don't know why you're using a regular Menorah.

I built a meno-rocket!

[all scream]

-[thuds] -[laughing]

Yes! Happy Hanukkah!

Oh yeah!

I don't remember any of that.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

That's what I call a successful trip to the mall.

What? That was horrible.

At least when hyenas fight they let each other live.

It doesn't look like you bought anything.

That's why it was successful.

I returned all my Hanukkah gifts for cash.

I love the holidays.

You better not have returned my present.

Not likely.

There's no cash value for hand-drawn coupons.

[thumps]

Mine says you'll walk my dog for free,

and I don't even have a dog!

Are we talking about Amanda's horrible gifts?

Mom! You said you loved your gift.

I distinctly heard you say, "I love this coupon."

I was talking about a coupon for laundry detergent.

Ooh! Coupons!

I would like to redeem this one please.

[scoffs] No way. I am not scratching your back.

Hey, you made the coupon, you honor the coupon.

[chuckles]

Oh! Oh yeah. Oh, lower. Up! Harder!

Scratchier! Come on, woman!

I spent all week developing these itches!

[groaning]

Hey, everyone, remember-- don't make plans this Saturday.

Great Aunt Biddy's coming.

[all groan]

What makes her so great?

Nothing. She knits itchy sweaters

and makes fruitcake that taste like cat turds.

No offense, Dad.

No, none taken. She's pretty horrible.

This fruitcake you mentioned, is it made with real cat turds?

They say the fake stuff has chemicals in it,

and I'm not putting that in my body.

Eww.

Great Aunt Biddy gives 100 bucks

to whichever kid she likes the most during her visit.

-Oh. -This is her favorite perfume.

Smart! You're gonna give her a gift.

No, I'm training myself not to throw up when I smell her.

-Oh. -[both inhale deeply]

[screaming]

Bernstein, tear my eyes out!

I'm begging you!

Do it! Do it!

[grunts]

-Hey, Cleo. -'Sup, Karl?

Forget it, Wyatt. I'm totally gonna win the money.

Once again, you've been Cleo'ed...

[whispers] by Cleo.

Guys, guys, it's-- it's the holidays.

The money doesn't matter.

What matters is family.

Hey, dad wrote a song called "Aunt Biddy, I love you the most."

That money's mine!

Ah. Families lying to each other over money.

Will the world ever run out of awesome ways to spend the holidays?

In my travels, I've seen all sorts of celebrations.

In Mongolia, they feast on warm yak yogurt.

The last one to yak gets to keep the yak.

Oh. So I can celebrate any way I want?

I can wear a pineapple hat and punch people in the stomach?

Or dip myself in hot dog water and punch people in the stomach?

Sure. How you choose to celebrate the holidays is totally up to you.

Up to me, huh?

You're thinking about punching me in the stomach.

No-oooo.

May-beeee.

Ye-ssss.

[coughs]

[screaming]

[inhales deeply]

Actually, it smells quite nice.

Oh, universe, please give me a sign.

What holiday should I celebrate?

Hey. Hey, buddy, you mind?

I'm talking to the universe here.

Fine, you can stay...

Only because you're really good-looking.

Hey! Stop pointing at me!

Stop it!

[gasps]

Oh, I get it.

You're saying the answer is within me.

[hawking]

[coughs, gasps]

Jelly! Of course!

I should create my own holiday in celebration of jelly!

Oh. I see you have jelly, too.

I like yours better.

Hey, look! Huh?

Huh? [gasps] You are good.

[chuckling]

What are you eating?

Cereal with tomato juice.

I figure if I can keep this down,

I can keep Aunt Biddy's homemade fruitcake down,

then hello 100 bucks.

Although I'll probably have to spend 10 of it on stomach medicine.

[spits, groans]

Lightweight. You can't compete with me.

I wuv you, Aunt Biddy.

See you on the flip flop, rookie.

[sighs]

Hey, great news, Bernstein.

-What? -[grunts]

I did a lot of soul-searching

and decided to create my own holiday--

Crashenfest!

-Wow, that's great. -Not finished.

Crashenfest is the celebration of many wondrous traditions,

like exploding sharks, underwear brittle

and cleaning up shark parts.

But can your made-up holiday help me win Aunt Biddy's money?

Jasmine's taken her cuteness up a notch.

All I've got is good-natured tomfoolery.

That's right. I looked up old-people words.

Ah. Well, I'd love to help, Bernstein,

but I have some important holiday work to do.

[grunts, laughs]

[sighs]

I love the holidays.

♪ Of all the holidays, one's the best ♪

♪ It's the day called Crashenfest ♪

♪ A holiday with no tradition ♪

♪ Just random things Like toilet fishin' ♪

♪ Slap a dude with a loaf of bread ♪

♪ Wear toilet paper on your head ♪

♪ Wrap yourself in provolone ♪

♪ Auction off your neighbor's bones ♪

Oh, Bernstein! Grab some jelly.

You're just in time to celebrate Crashenfest.

Whoa! Where'd you get all those swords?

At the sword mart.

Oh yeah, over in the sword district?

You know it.

Crashenfest legend has it

if you run through a field of swords with your eyes closed and don't die,

that means you have good luck.

Watch.

See? I found a lucky penny.

On an unrelated note,

do you have a unpunctured spleen I could borrow?

-[ringing] -Merry Crashenfest!

[cockney accent] Pardon me, good sir,

t'is anyone here decorating for the feast of Crashenfest?

-Yeah! -I have here

some authentic, one-of-a-kind Crashenfest decorations.

[clatters]

Whoa. I normally wouldn't be interested in this,

but you wouldn't have put it in that disgusting burlap bag

if it wasn't nice.

Straight away, guv-nor.

This entire pile can be yours for the paltry sum of--

How much does he usually have in his pocket?

Not counting dead bugs and stuff he's found stuck to other stuff?

Nothing.

You can pay me later.

Or I'll break your legs. Either way, it'll be fun.

Deal! But I'm not falling into debt with you.

-[grunts] -[rips]

-[grunts] -[snaps]

Now we're even.

[grunting, hopping]

Who wants an invitation to my Crashenfest feast?

-I'd love one. -[grunts]

[grunts]

Next time, just text me.

Don't worry, Mrs. B. You're invited, too.

[grunts]

Oh. Looks like that vase got the last invitation.

[sighs] Unless you have another rock.

Just tell me where the party is and I'll be there.

It's in a very fancy place.

Make sure you dress properly.

Okay, I feel a teensy bit overdressed.

[clinks glass]

Thank you, everyone,

for coming to my traditional Crashenfest meal.

Mrs. B., I have given you the seat of honor.

Oh. [chuckles]

Mom, just a head's up--

I might need that seat after the corned beef.

-[sighs] -[clears throat]

It is that special time of Crashenfest

when we go around the table

and everyone says what they love most about Crash.

Why are we in a bathroom?

Thank you, Cleo, I feel the same about you.

-Okay. -[bells jingling]

[gasps] What's that?

Could it be? That sounds like Crudsworth,

the Crashenfest beaver!

[lisping] Hey, kids! I brought presents.

Yay!

Jasmine, for you.

That's my music box.

[gnawing rapidly]

And now it's a pony.

No, it's not.

Oh.

Did I miss Crudsworth?

Oh, darn it.

Well, I guess we'll just get to the jelly throwing.

No jelly throwing.

Oh! Did you say no jelly throwing?

I thought you said no jelly throwing.

You understand my confusion.

Okay, that's it.

No more Crashenfest in this apartment.

Okay? Aunt Biddy will be here soon

and I want all of you in the living room,

looking good, wearing the sweaters that Aunt Biddy made for you!

Do you want us looking good

or wearing the sweaters Aunt Biddy made us?

-Out! -[flushes]

Did you hear that, children?

Every time a toilet flushes, Crudsworth punches an angel.

Do we have to wear these sweaters?

Yes, aunt Biddy made them.

Why? Is she mad at us?

[groans] I can't stop itching.

What does she knit these with, athlete's foot?

-[knocks on door] -Okay okay, that's her.

Everybody put your fake smile on and, whatever you do,

don't let her see the fear in your eyes.

Hello, I'm a Southern millionaire

and I present myself for the Crashenfest hootenanny.

I'm sorry, whose nanny?

Ah, Mr. Crash told me if I encountered a cranky missus

who says that Crashenfest is not permitted in this apartment,

I should remind her that the patio is technically

outside the confines of said apartment.

Now, where can I hang my money?

Ah, thank you, dear.

[knocks on door]

Fear not! I have arrived!

E pluribus, I want to party!

[southern Crash] Ah, Mr. Gladiator, sir.

Wow. Parties have really changed since I've been away.

It's like I've been living in a cave, man.

-Oh, don't say "caveman"! -[loud thud]

[grunts]

Sorry late.

Traffic bad.

[techno music playing]

[southern Crash] Mr. Crash, it's such a pleasure to see you.

[Crashes chattering]

Okay, everybody stop moping.

It's not like it's the greatest party of all time.

[gladiator Crash] This is the greatest party of all time!

[party horns tooting]

[cheering]

Mom, we have to go to that party.

Caveman's doing karaoke.

[caveman Crash grunting] Now old ladies sing!

Okay, nobody's going to the party.

Aunt Biddy would not approve.

Karl, back me up on this. She's your great aunt.

Yeah, your mother's right, guys. No party.

-[oven beeps] -Oh! Oven's ready.

I'm gonna go make more mushroom puffs.

[whispers] Let's go to the party.

[music continues]

Attention! Attention everyone!

The sumo wrestlers are running slightly late,

so until then, sumo wrestle amongst yourselves.

-Merry Crashenfest! -[all] Wohoo!

Guys guys, listen.

As long as mom doesn't catch us out here, we're fine.

So, Jasmine, you're the lookout.

-Practice your whistle. -[shouts] Whistle!

Good enough. Let's party!

Hey, can I borrow that?

Thanks.

[grunts, spits]

Hey, Wyatt, we're bobbing for socks.

I don't know why I'm into this, but I am.

[grunts, spits]

Cottony, sweaty, with just a hint of fungus.

This is why I come here.

Whistle! Whistle!

[music continues]

Well, mushroom puffs are done.

-Oh, hey, Mom, let me help you with these. -Thank you.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Wyatt! -Oh, sorry, Mom.

Looks like you're gonna have to make more puffs.

-[Karl]Oh. -Sorry.

[crowd chants] Snow, snow, snow!

Hey, everyone, it's time for the jelly volcano!

[crowd chants] Go, go, go, go!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No volcanoes!

Jasmine, you were supposed to be our lookout.

Oh yeah.

Whistle, whistle.

No volcanoes.

Aunt Biddy is going to be here very soon.

You're just all lucky that you kept your sweaters clean.

-And get inside! -Wait! You can't leave yet!

It's that time of Crashenfest

where we blindfold a hungry Crudsworth and see what happens!

It's chewing time!

-[gnawing] -[people screaming]

Great Aunt Biddy will not be happy.

So it'll just... be like every other holiday.

Well, it could be worse.

The red in my sweater makes it hard to tell I'm bleeding.

I wonder where Aunt Biddy is. She's never late.

Even when she broke her hip, she dragged herself to kickboxing.

Oh! Oh, great party out there.

You know who would've loved it? Aunt Biddy.

It's a shame she missed her flight--

At least that's what she said in the message.

[sighs]

Someone was supposed to tell you guys.

Oh yeah, it was me!

What? She's not coming?

[laughing]

Crash, I don't know whether to kill you

for not giving me the message

or bake you a cake for delivering the good news.

Why does it have to be either/or?

Hoo! Well, dinner's already made. We might as well just eat, right?

It's gonna be weird without her criticizing my scalloped potatoes.

They really are disgusting.

Thanks, honey, but it's not the same.

Daddy, what are you doing?

I just miss Aunt Biddy pinching my cheek.

I guess the holidays just aren't the same without her.

Hello!

Your Great Aunt Biddy is here to pinch some cheeks.

Whoa! Wrong cheek.

You loved it.

Come here, bubala.

Give your Aunt Biddy a kiss.

Oh! Oh jeez!

Close your mouth at least.

Well, I have a big holiday surprise.

I made my special fruitcake!

-Oh yeah. -That's the jelly volcano.

No, dear, it's a fruitcake.

-Wanna see it erupt? -No!

-[yelps] Oh no! -Ah!

Get down! Get down!

Whoa. What happened?

[gasps] Did I miss Aunt Biddy?

Crash? Come here.

Merry Crashenfest.

[laughs]

-Merry Crashenfest! -Merry Crashenfest!

[holiday music playing]

♪ Crashenfest is here ♪

♪ And everyone will cheer ♪

♪ Run a race in a toga ♪

♪ Make prank calls while doing yoga ♪

♪ Play one-on-one with chupacabra ♪

♪ Eat fondue with Tim McGraw-bra ♪

♪ May your holiday smile glow ♪

♪ While you're sampling yellow snow ♪

♪ Crashenfest is here to stay ♪

♪ And all my friends are here to say ♪

♪ A holiday with no tradition ♪

♪ Just random things Like toilet fishin' ♪

♪ Slap a dude with a loaf of bread ♪

♪ Wear toilet paper on your head ♪

♪ Wrap yourself in provolone ♪

♪ And auction off Your neighbor's bones ♪

Merry Crashenfest!

And happy face slam!

[grunts, moaning]

Your TV is hard.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪