Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

Crash, more sticks. My bridge needs more sticks.

Lick, man. Lick.

[muffled] My tongue is frozen.

I don't care if your "kung" is "hozen." Fight through it.

[Crash sucking]

Oh! Oh, brain freeze. Brain freeze.

Ah.

[blows]

Better.

Crash, stay focused. This project's due in less than a week.

I need to build a bridge that can support some serious weight.

Oh. Let me test it.

[sighs] Needs work.

[sighs] Hey. Why don't you help out by chasing this laser?

Please, Bernstein.

I am too focused on this project to...

yay, shiny thing! [laughs]

Oh, Crash, you almost got it.

Oh, it's over there. You just missed it.

Oh, Crash.

-You almost got it. -[Mel] Guys, come home.

Aww. Do we have to go?

I almost caught the laser.

Just pretend you don't hear.

She usually gives up after four or five yells.

[Mel] Wyatt, your dad's here.

Dad's here!

Bern... Bernstein!

Don't leave me. [grunts]

Oh, I'm stuck on a nail. [grunts]

Bernstein!

Ah, never mind. I'll get it myself.

Ow, ow, ow.

Well, I've made it much worse, but I'm no quitter.

Ow, ow, oh!

Why do I not stop? Ow!

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

[grunts] I missed you girls so much.

It must get lonely being a wildlife photographer.

Come here. Come here.

Can you believe that I spent the last three months

living in a hut made out of warthog dung?

I can believe it.

This is b.o. times a million.

Karl, Karl. Get...

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

-How are you, Mel? -Good. We can skip the hug.

Oh, Dad?

Can you take some modeling pictures of me while you're home?

Yeah. It'd be nice to take pictures of something that's not trying to kill me.

And the father-daughter dance is coming up.

Perfect. I picked up some new moves in Sumatra.

Did you know orangutans dance to find their mate?

Did you?

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh.

I'm guessing there are a lot of single orangutans.

-Dad! -Wyatt, my man.

Oh! Look at how tall you are!

You could play pro ball for the Buruwango pygmy league.

But don't. They play to the death.

[Crash] Bernstein! [sniffs]

Is that hippo dung?

Actually it's warthog.

Ah, yes. Now I smell the switchgrass.

Crash, this is my dad.

-Nice to meet you. -Ah! Hugger, back!

Oh, you like swords, huh? Check this out.

I got this one from a snake trader in Borneo.

[gasps]

You'll never guess what I traded him for it.

A snake?

Did I tell you this story already?

Wyatt, I am your father.

Aah!

Karl!

I was gonna break that vase.

Oh, it is on. [shouts]

Oh. So it's gonna be like that, huh?

[mutters angrily]

And once, Crash turned Jasmine's Toy car into a monster truck.

That was almost as cool as when he got super rich and blew up a mountain.

Although, shooting gumballs out of his butt was pretty cool too.

Seriously?

This... Crash sounds awesome.

He is.

By the way, if he offers you gum, don't eat it.

So you and Crash, you spend a lot of time together, huh?

Hope he's not replacing me. [chuckles]

I didn't even know why I said that.

I'm just joking. Heck, you can't replace a dad, right?

Even if you do blow up mountains. Crash really blew up a mountain?

[Crash] Bernstein!

Hi, Crash.

Don't you " Hi, Crash" me.

Why don't you " Hi, Crash" your dad?

Because that wouldn't make any sense.

Oh. So it's all about making sense now?

You've changed, Bernstein.

Crash, come on and help. Dad hasn't eaten a single ice cream.

He's just helping with engineering.

[chuckles] And he calls that helping?

Pathetic.

While you were off taking pictures of tigers having babies,

like the world needs to see that,

Bernstein and I were doing important stuff like...

[gasps] ...is that my shadow?

[Crash laughs]

All right. Well, listen. I gotta get back to the apartment

to dance with Cleo, take modeling shots of Amanda,

and have a tea party with Jasmine.

Oh, and by the way, thank you for being a boy.

Well, I didn't catch my shadow,

but he made some very offensive gestures at me.

Hey... Where's your dad?

[gasps] Did he go back to the jungle?

Oh, well. I'll miss him.

Let's never speak of him again.

Crash, he's gonna be around for a while. Get used to it.

What's so great about your dad?

I can do everything he can do.

"Go to your room. Quit picking your nose.

Birds, bees, babies. Blah, blah, blah."

Crash, you need to calm down.

It's not a competition.

The last thing my dad wants to do is compete with you.

I have to compete with Crash.

Why on earth would anyone want to do that?

Are you kidding?

All the fantastic things he's done.

And I mean, I'm Wyatt's father.

Shouldn't I be shooting gumballs out of my butt?

Nobody should be doing that.

By the way, is Crash around?

Could be. I see all the classic signs.

Broken vase,

purple fingerprints, and that mystery stain on the couch...

See, half the fun is figuring out what it is.

It's almost like being on "CSI."

It's really good you can laugh about it.

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

I'm dead inside.

Dad, is now a good time to rehearse for the father-daughter dance?

-It's in four months. -Honey, that's a long time away.

I've been embarrassed by public dancing before.

I remember. And I still say it was your dance teacher's job

to make sure you knew where the end of the stage was.

-Here's what I'm thinking so far. -All right.

[dance music playing]

[music stops]

Wow, so just four months, huh?

[with German accent] Did somebody call for a dance genius?

No.

Well, I don't have all day. Now, five, six, seven, eight.

Left bounce und right bounce und palm tree und...

Why are you not dancing?

Five, six, seven, eight!

Und left bounce! Und right bounce! Und pirouette! Und up!

And tippy tippy toe, tippy tippy toe.

Palm tree, palm tree, palm tree,

schwa, und schwa, und land.

Keep practicing.

Find another partner.

I'm sorry about that. Crash is...

I know, I know.

He's awesome.

Bernstein, let me ask you a question.

If your dad was a pus-spewing alien, and I'm not saying that he's not,

who would you like better?

Crash, for the last time my dad is not your competition.

[Karl] Hey, Wyatt,

I got you a mechanical bull!

Epic!

Is it epic, Bernstein?

I don't see what's so epic about a machine

that whips you around at dangerously high speeds

while you're screaming at the top of your lungs in pure joy!

Thank you, no.

[Karl] Whoo! Whoo!

I think I got this. Yeah! Hyah! Hy... Ohh!

Whoo!

-Let me try. -Me first.

Ow!

[chuckles]

I am not falling off.

Hit it!

Yee-haw!

Whoo-Hoo! Yeah!

Whoo-Hoo-Hoo!

Whoa-oh!

Oh, ho! Ah-ha-ha!

Whoa-ho! Whoo.

[chuckles]

-[grunts] -Are you okay?

If by okay you mean the undisputed champion

of the Crash versus Dad competition,

then yes, I am okay.

That's not what I meant.

[Crash grunts]

Now that I'm the tallest, I tell you both what to do.

Wash my legs.

[dance music playing]

Knees high, ankles loose.

Now with sass.

I said sass!

Get out, Crash. I'm working on my dance.

I'm getting close.

Close to what? Embarrassing yourself?

Humiliating me?

[yelling] Destroying the reputation of this dance company?

Do you hear that?

That is the sound of puppies crying.

[yelling] Crying for the dance!

[firmly] One, two, three, four.

[angrily] I don't like you!

[groans] Or you.

You'll never amount to anything with your dad as your partner.

The man's got two left butt cheeks.

[sighs]

Mrs. B, I was just explaining to your dim-witted daughter,

don't get me wrong, it's not like the other two are any prize,

that her father is not nearly as fantastically stupendifying as me.

Crash, give it a rest.

I know you and Wyatt are close,

but you have to give him and his dad a little space, okay?

Okay. I'll let them do their thing.

Hey, maybe you and I can hang out. What do you want to do first?

-I don't think I... -Sorry, I tried. You're boring.

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

Dad?

Shh.

I'm getting modeling shots of Amanda,

so I set up a blind so I could capture her in her natural environment.

Look, I even laid bait.

You're gonna have to do better than this. Amanda only texts on 4G.

I don't even know what that means.

Hey. How would you like to talk to my Photography club at school?

Really?

You're into photography?

You're not gonna cry, are you?

Maybe, but I'll... I'll wait for the hotel.

-[door opens] -Oh, that's her. Scatter, scatter.

Ew, 3G.

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm taking photos, like you asked.

No, not like this. I'm all sweaty.

Oh, she's charging! Run in a zigzag formation!

So as a wildlife photographer, I spend a lot of time sleeping in the mud

and eating bugs for dinner.

Who wants to see some shots of me barfing up a praying mantis?

All right, maybe later.

Now that white tiger may look adorable,

but if you get too close, she'll bite your head off.

Boring!

Kids, why do you want to be a boring photographer?

[yawns]

When you can be what I am. Terrific.

Bees don't sting me. I sting bees.

Na-na.

I don't watch "Shark week," Sharks watch "Crash week."

Na-na.

And Bernstein's dad? I beat him up.

I don't have a picture of that. I'll just show you.

Na-na.

[both grunting]

[shouts] Bernstein, help! Your dad's a biter.

No, I'm not!

Oh, yeah. I am.

-[screams] -Stop.

This has got to stop.

-Talk to him. -He started it.

The problem is you're both too competitive.

-[scoffs] He's not as competitive as I am. -Yeah. I am.

[scoffs] In your dreams.

[chuckles] Oh, you have no idea.

Oh, yeah? Breath-holding contest.

[both breathe deeply]

Dad? Dad.

Dad.

Dad! He doesn't have lungs.

-[Karl exhales] -I win!

[sighs] Look, I'm testing my bridge at school tomorrow,

and I'd like you both to be there, but only if you can play it cool.

I... I can be cool.

Can you be cool, Crash?

Oh... Oh, I can be cool.

I am so cool, I make my own ice.

What do you want? Cubes or crushed?

[strains]

Neither, let's... Let's just shake.

Nuh-uh. Face slam!

[grunts] [chuckles]

[laughs] I love this game.

Face slam!

[laughs]

Oh, careful. That might leave a mark.

Oh. Let me get you some ice for that.

[strains]

Oh, don't tell me I missed another prom.

No, Dad keeps ambushing me to take pictures.

I slept in this dress and haven't stopped smiling in two days.

Yeah, he does that.

Remember when he hid inside great aunt Gloria's flowers?

That was a funny funeral.

You're safe. He's with Wyatt.

Oh, good. I can finally relax.

[camera shutter clicking]

[gasps]

Dad!

Trip wire.

Yeah, I forgot he does that too.

[Crash] Yee-haw! Rawhide! Chili!

I hope Wyatt likes these photos. The bridge looks great in this light.

I can't hear you.

I'm yelling cowboy words!

Giddy-up! Saddle sores!

Tony Romo!

[Crash grunts]

Wow. Look at that.

The bridge didn't break. This thing's built rock solid.

Aw, thanks, Karl. I can't take all the credit.

Well, of course not. The bulk of the credit belongs to...

To who? To you?

I don't think so, pal.

I was gonna say Wyatt.

Yeah? And I was gonna say, "How would you like to go out for crepes?"

But I didn't.

Because I made it a rule to never eat folded pastry dough

with a guy who tries to take away my best friend!

Okay. All right. Where is this coming from?

-I thought we were good. -So did I.

Until you were all

[mockingly] "Crash flew off the bull. But the bridge didn't break

because I built it so awesomely

because I'm a photographer."

[murmurs mockingly]

Pretty sure I didn't say any of those words.

Besides, the reason the bridge didn't break

is because the wimpy bull you bought Wyatt

didn't toss me hard enough.

Hey, you leave bully out of this!

I'm just saying I could put a battery on that thing

and get it to kick a million times harder.

You think you can soup that bull up? I'd like to see you try.

You had me at soup!

Giddy up.

[Crash] Whoa!

Oh! Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Hey, look over here, chicken!

I've seen squirrels that buck harder than you.

-[Crash laughs] -[Bully roars]

Bully, come back!

What did you do?

Wyatt, I'm so sorry.

Bernstein, I take full responsibility.

Your dad broke your bridge.

All I wanted was for you two to stop competing.

And you couldn't even do that.

Thanks a lot.

Bernstein, come back.

Why won't you take me seriously?

Do you think he's mad?

I think he's mad.

Unless he's pretending.

Let's say he's pretending.

All he wanted was for us to get along and we messed it up.

I'm gonna go talk to his teacher, you go get that bull.

You're not the boss of me!

You go to tal to his teacher,

and I'll go get the bull!

Don't tell me who's getting the bull.

I'll tell you who's getting the bull.

I will get the bull and you will get the teacher.

I'll show you.

Now, I know my bridge isn't technically still standing,

but you could still technically give me an "A" for effort.

-Hey, wait, wait, wait. -Dad, what are you doing here?

I need your teacher to realize what a remarkable young man she has here.

Now, look, I know

that Wyatt's bridge isn't technically still standing...

I already tried that.

-Did you do the big smile? -Yep.

[sighs]

Pictures. Pictures.

I have pictures. Look.

See? There's the bridge. The lighting's great, isn't it?

I waited until the sun was just coming over the hori... You don't care.

See, look. There's Crash landing on the bridge.

You can see it didn't break.

[Crash] Yee-haw!

[Bully roars]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[laughs]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

[laughs]

What are you doing?

I'm here to get you out of trouble.

By bursting through a wall at school?

Shh.

[whispering] You don't have to draw so much attention to it.

That's a nice bridge.

Can I take a picture of it for you?

-Sure. -Great.

-I think the lighting might... -[gasps]

I'm so sorry.

Bernstein, I don't know what you have against your dad.

He's a genius.

We'll break all the bridges!

What? No. No, no, no, no!

Ha, ha!

[gasps]

[exclaims and grunts]

[screams]

[laughs] Ha, ha!

Son, I hope you still want to follow in my footsteps.

What do you mean?

Huh? Oh.

[sighs] Well, Crash, you've been such a great friend to Wyatt

I wanted to give you a gift.

[grunts]

[gasps] The prophecies were true.

I am the chosen one!

I assume there's some sort of ceremony?

Yeah, sure, why not?

[clears throat]

Sir Crash?

I am honored to present thee

with this sword from the mountains of Borneo

just south of the Equator.

[giggles]

Careful.

[laughs]

Thank you, Karl.

It is much deserved.

I would also like to present you with a gift.

Also from south of the Equator.

My Equator.

-I'm talking about my butt. -Yeah, I got it.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪