Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

[panting]

In lane one, the all-time hangout champ,

winner of a record 57 straight victories,

Wyatt Bernstein!

[mimics crowd clamoring]

And in lane two, some guy named Crash.

Wait, that's all the intro I get?

Oh, you are going down.

On the count of three--

Three!

One, two, seven, zero, North Carolina...

One, two...

Hockey, oatmeal...

[grunting]

Aah!

It's 58 wins in a row!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ah! I protest.

I blatantly interfered with myself.

Uh-oh, is somebody a sore loser?

No, you're a sore loser!

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go over there to scream, break things

and blame other people for my shortcomings.

Good day.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

[sighs]

Crash, help me find my Mutant Hunter Five poster.

Eh!

Jake Mahoney's coming to our school today and I want him to autograph it.

Haven't seen it, Bernstein.

By the way, we're out of giant sci-fi tissues.

[blowing nose]

What? No no! Stop!

Stop! What are you--

What are you doing?

You ruined my poster!

Oh, looks like I failed again.

I can't even win a game of "don't blow your nose on posters"!

I'm a loser.

Just let me wallow in peace.

Wallow!

Wallow, wallow!

Are you still bummed about your losing streak?

Wallow!

Cheer up. You'll win something one of these days.

Maybe even right now!

-Whoa! -[Crash grunting]

Ah, ah! Bernstein!

You should know better than to pick a fight with me

when I'm in an ugly mood.

That's not a mood. That's your face.

-Aah! -No, no, no, no!

Oh! Oh, hey, you got me!

-You win! -Ha ha!

Of course I win!

When do I ever lose?

In all my 37 seconds of broadcasting,

I have never seen such a spectacular performance.

Bernstein was dominated, annihilated, constipated.

Tell us, Bernstein, how does it feel to be a loser?

-Well, Crash, actually-- -Wait!

I'm being told no one cares what a loser thinks.

♪ Whoa! ♪

That's Jake Mahoney?

He doesn't look so tough.

Has he ever beaten you at wrestling?

Because I have! Remember?

Isn't this awesome? I get to introduce Jake Mahoney.

'Cause, you know, I'm the school's biggest Mutant Hunter fan.

Also, I begged.

You're not the biggest Mutant Hunter fan.

I'm the biggest Mutant Hunter fan.

I even have a Mutant Hunter fan.

I'd argue with you, buddy,

but I've got a national treasure to introduce.

The dictionary defines "hero"

as another word for a submarine sandwich.

Well, submarine sandwiches are great,

-and so is Jake-- -Thanks, kid!

And thank you, Linus Pauling Middle School!

You know, it's great to be back at my old stomping grounds.

Ha ha ha ha!

Can I do another take of that? I can do that a lot better.

Sheesh! Are those even his real muscles?

I bet they're implants.

You know, I'm honored that you're retiring my locker.

This door is like all my fans--

Solid gold.

Hey! That's my locker!

Not anymore, kid. I moved your stuff.

Huh?

This just got personal.

Hmm. That was pretty good, kid.

But you might want to try it like this--

[low voice] This just got personal.

[all cheering]

-See the difference? -[Crash groaning]

Jake, I'm your biggest fan.

I can even do your signature move!

Well, don't.

It's trademarked and I will sue you.

But if anyone wants to watch me,

Jake Mahoney, do it,

I'm shooting Mutant Hunter Six right here in town,

and you're all invited to stop by the set.

[whispering]

I'm being informed I don't have the authority

to invite the entire school, just the two of you.

Because you're standing right there.

Yes! We stood in the right place!

Hey, kids!

You wanna watch me punch some air?

[grunting]

[laughs]

You're welcome.

Did you get that?

Cause I can do another take. My stamina's ridiculous.

Big man, picking on air!

Why don't you fight a real action hero?

Me and you!

Arm wrestling.

-Okay. -Ha ha! This'll be good.

Maybe I shouldn't have let him beat me at wrestling this morning.

He's an even worse winner than loser.

Don't worry. Jake'll put him in his place.

Ready set go!

[both grunting]

Ho ho ho! Whoa, now!

[both grunting]

-Aah! -Ho!

Uh-oh, you beat me!

Was there ever any doubt?

Oh, no, he let Crash win.

Looks like I'm the only real action hero at this school.

Air punch! Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah!

I've got big news, Amanda.

Opportunity is knocking at your door.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

I just told you--opportunity.

I just told you "opportunity who?"

Okay, let's start over.

You're interviewing Jake Mahoney on the set of his new movie.

I really don't get this joke.

I'm not joking.

I just got off the phone with Jake's people and set it all up.

I told them you had the hottest show on the Internet.

And they believed that?

People over 30 are terrified of not being hip.

They'll believe anything a 12 year old says.

But I'm not a reporter.

Well, you are now. And I'm your producer.

This will be streaming live on the Cleo website.

I'll handle the logistics. You just be pretty and ask questions.

What are logistics?

Okay, you just be pretty.

Hey, mutant!

Die here often?

[grunting]

Dude, that was awesome!

Yeah! The mutant was all like, "What?"

And then Jake was all like, "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Man, my laser impression is not what it used to be.

I can't believe we get to visit the set.

Yeah, it's going to be insan-- Oh, here's my favorite part.

This is about to get messy.

Aah!

Yeah! Ha ha ha!

What are you doing? It was about to get messy!

You wanna see a real action hero?

[grunts] Check this movie out.

[grunts]

Hi, I'm Fake Baloney,

pretend action hero!

Wanna fight?

[laughs]

Violence doesn't solve problems, but okay!

[fighting sounds]

[laughs]

[grunting]

Oh, please stop.

I just Jake Mahoneyed in my pants.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ah!

Have you lost your mind?

Kind of. But it grew back.

Why'd you put this on the Internet? Jake could see it.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm sure Jake Mahoney has better things to do

than watch stupid Internet videos.

[Crash] Hi, I'm Fake Baloney!

Fake Baloney?

[fighting sounds]

This has 90,000 views?

I just Jake Mahoneyed in my pants!

[groans loudly]

Aah!

[grunting]

-I just Jake Mahoneyed in my-- -[laughing]

Don't watch that! It's garbage!

You're fired.

Right, just play it cool.

Act like you've been on a movie set before.

[gasps]

No way!

It's Mutant Hunter's gauntlet.

Look!

That looks like chewed gum.

Cherry mint.

Jake's signature chew!

I'm adding this to my collection.

Okay, let's go over this fight.

The mutant comes up behind me.

I'll do a scissor kick into a reverse-elbow pop,

finish with the throat rip. [grunts]

Hey, what do you guys think?

Can't go wrong with the throat rip.

I have your gum.

Stick around.

After rehearsal, I'll let you take a picture of me.

-You mean with you? -No.

Puh-lease! You couldn't do a decent throat rip

in a room full of baby giraffes.

Who let this kid in here?

Hey, let me show you how a real action hero handles a mutant.

Ahh-yah-yah-yah! Rah rah rah!

You're friends with this guy?

He's kind of my brother.

Well, you'd better get control of your "kind of" brother

or I'll tear him into kind of pieces!

[Crash] Ah! I'd like to see you try.

Okay, come here.

No, you come here.

Okay.

-Hyah! -[laughs]

[grunts] Rah! Aah!

[sighs] Thanks.

You're a lot better than my old assistant.

Ready? We're on in three, two...

One?

-[mouthing words] -Oh! Oh!

Hi, I'm Amanda Bernstein,

and this is the Mutant Hunter himself, Jake Mahoney.

Thanks, Amanda.

It's a real honor for you to interview me.

Jake, the movie you're shooting is called Mutant Hunter Six .

America wants to know, what does the six stand for?

Is it a code?

Um, it's because it's the sixth one in the Mutant Hunter series.

Oh.

So it has a double meaning.

That's deep.

Let's watch a clip.

-[music playing] -[grunting]

Hey, Jake ma-phony!

I'm in your lair.

I left you a present. You can't see it,

but you can smell it!

Oh, I guess you can see it.

Ew.

This guy again?

I'm talking to you, Jerk real-bony!

I challenge you to a smack down!

No gloves, no helmets,

just my orthopedic insoles!

I have flat feet!

[grunting]

Assistant, bring me my breaking stool!

[grunting]

[sighs]

Thanks.

You're fired.

You wanna a piece of me, Crash?

Be at the set on Saturday.

This air is going to be your face.

[fighting sounds]

This embarrassing celebrity meltdown is brought to you by...

[whispered] Cleo.

[slow fighting sounds]

Hey, Jake, you want some of this?

Kung pao chicken!

Ah. I'm hungry.

[dialing]

One large order of kung pao chicken.

Bernstein.

Did you see me on TV? What'd you think?

I think my favorite movie actor invited me to a set

and then you embarrassed me.

And I think you're gonna be embarrassed when Jake pulverizes you on Saturday.

Ha! You worry too much.

You saw how I handled him in arm wrestling.

Crash, Jake let you win,

Just like when I let you win when we wrestled yesterday.

Ha! You are such a sore loser.

You let me win?

You're living in a fantasy world.

Isn't that right, cardboard Jake Mahoney?

You're really gonna make me prove this?

Ha.

Wait, I wasn't ready.

I slipped.

Sun was in my eyes.

I had a rock in my shoe.

That was a practice round.

My hand was sweaty.

Your hand was sweaty.

Thumb cramp.

Charley horse.

Acid reflux.

[grunting]

Crash, you're losing to no one.

[gasps]

That's almost as bad as losing to you.

Oh, Bernstein, you gotta protect me. Jake's going to tear me apart!

[sighs] I'll go talk to Jake.

But you really dug yourself a hole.

So, in case you can't save your butt,

you might wanna dig yourself a hole.

I'm asking you as a lifelong fan,

please don't hurt Crash.

I can't back down now.

I'm a hero!

And Crash made me a laughingstock.

That's the worst kind of stock.

Anyway, my reputation is on the line

and the only way I can save it is by destroying your brother.

What if I come up with a way to fix your reputation

that doesn't involve ripping Crash to shreds?

You're lucky I'm as nice as I am humble.

Okay, you've got a day to figure it out.

Does that include the rest of today and all of tomorrow?

No, that would be a day and a half.

So you're including the time that I sleep?

That doesn't seem fair.

A day is 24 hours.

It's 24 hours from now or from when I get home? It's a long walk.

All right, I'll give you a 30-minute buffer,

but the clock is ticking. Now leave me alone, kid!

Okay, guys, remember, this is just a practice run.

Tomorrow, it won't be the dummy. It will be Amanda.

Pesto, stop kissing the dummy.

Amanda will be on the catwalk above the set.

When I give the signal, she falls, Jake catches her.

He's a hero again and Crash lives.

-What's in it for me? -You live.

Oh, yeah.

How'd you get Amanda to agree to this?

Oh, I paid Cleo. She can talk Amanda into anything.

Note to self.

All right, Amanda will fall when I give the code word.

Um, let's make it "banana."

Savannah? What kind of code word is that?

Not savannah, banana.

[Pesto] Banana?

Let's not tell Amanda that part.

Right.

Ooh-ahh, ooh-ahh.

Ooh-ahh!

Do I look better pounding him like this--

[grunts loudly]

Or like this? [grunting]

I know, they're both really good, huh?

Mm-hmm, yeah. Uh-huh. Mmm.

Wait, Pesto, what are you doing up there?

I'm here to keep Amanda company,

and maybe hold her hand for emotional support.

Can I jump now?

Crash, did you remember to paint the "x" where Jake is supposed to stand

-so he can catch Amanda? -Better than that.

I painted "x"s everywhere so he can't miss!

[Crash laughing]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That won't work! Wait!

It's fist o'clock! Let's do this!

[laughing]

No go! No go!

Did he say "go go"?

Wyatt, that's not the code word.

-Whoa whoa! -Jake!

[all gasping]

Did everyone see that?

Jake just saved this kid. He's a hero!

Yes. Yes, I am.

[laughs] I thought you were supposed to be a girl.

So did my mom.

She even had a name picked out.

How'd you get so strong?

Diet and exercise.

Every day I eat a banana.

[Amanda] Banana!

[Amanda] Wyatt!

Well, at least your head didn't fall off.

Whoo! I've got to say, that media coverage was pretty sweet.

I'm glad it all worked out.

I bet you are, kid.

'Cause your friend was about to find out the hard way

the difference between an action hero

and an action zero.

Oh!

That's kind of harsh.

I mean, we did help save your reputation.

Why do you have to be such a sore winner?

I can be any kind of winner I want.

You wouldn't know that because you're not winners,

which, by process of elimination, makes you losers.

[grunting] Let me at him!

He'll rip you apart.

It'll be worth it.

That guy needs to be taught a lesson.

He called us losers.

I'm sure he didn't mean it. He was probably just saying stuff.

Assistant!

Get these loser kids out of here!

I'm tired of acting nice.

-Oh, it's on! -[grunting]

Aah!

[fighting sounds]

Ah! Oh!

Ah!

Ay! What?

[grunting]

-Hey! -[gasping]

Now you're in trouble.

Hyah!

-[grunting] -All right, Jakey!

Is that all you got? Take this!

[grunting]

Ahh!

I don't need that leg.

I'll hop kick you!

Ow!

Knock it off! Hyah!

That settles that.

It settles nothing.

Now get out of here, Cake ma-fudgey!

Stop calling me variations of my name!

Hyah! Aah!

Say "Crash is the real action hero."

Say it, Flake Zamboni!

Never. You can't make me.

You're just a head. What are you going to do?

[grunting]

Aahh!

[screams]

Aah!

-[Jake grunting] -[Crash laughing]

Crash is the real action hero!

[moans]

Great job, Crash. You won.

Face slam! Hoo-ah!

Oh, Bernstein, show some class.

I don't keep track of wins and losses.

I'm all about sportsmanship.

I'm the sportsmanship champion!

And, by process of elimination, you're the loser.

Ooh, oh, oh! Oh, ooh!

Hey, where are you going?

[sighs] This is a great idea,

turning the hangout into a drive-in movie theater.

Glad you thought of it, lady mutant.

[yawns]

You are a lady mutant, right?

I'll take that as a yes.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪