Original subtitles

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

I got everything I need for my bath:

Shampoo, loofah and of course...

my tub sandwich.

Ugh, yuck!

There's no mayonnaise on this sandwich.

So, just put some on,

Then you can do the same with clothes.

[gasps] That means Bernstein and I switched lunches.

He hates mayonnaise.

He calls it... white diarrhea.

[coughs]

I'll save you, my brother!

[panting]

-[panting] -[grunts]

Can't talk now.

Good. I don't wanna talk to you.

We'll discuss this later.

[grunts]

You will be hearing from my attorney.

Hey, Mrs. López, can't talk. Mayonnaise emergency!

I'll call you later.

I want to catch up on our telenovela.

Okay, we need to talk about Raúl.

[groans]

That hombre is no good.

-Raúl! -[both spit]

Gotta go! [kisses]

This is nice. We should picnic more often.

Can we not call it a picnic? And did you have to bring a basket?

[Crash] No!

[pants]

Dude, not cool.

There was mayonnaise on that sandwich.

Dude, way cool! You just saved my life.

[laughs] Yeah.

-What's wrong with mayonnaise? -It's white diarrhea.

[coughs]

Way to ruin a condiment for me.

Crash, how did you know Wyatt hates mayonnaise and I didn't?

Crash and I know each other so well.

It's like we finish each other's...

-sentences. -Tacos.

Okay, let's try that--

-again. -Upside down.

No, Crash, listen.

We finish each other's...

-sentences. -Tacos.

-We know each other well. -Yeah.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Let me hear you say Crash! ♪

Do you realize how lucky we are, living so close to Putnam University?

All their stuff says "P.U." on it.

[laughs]

P.U.! [laughs]

That will never get old.

-Who's number one? -[both] P.U.!

-Wow, that got old fast. -Yeah.

I'm gonna go see if I can return this stuff.

Okay.

Oh.

Whoa.

Sick spinning, brofus.

Oh, you want some sick spinning, huh?

Watch this.

[laughs]

That was tight.

Wait for the sick.

[hacks]

You're in luck. I had a big breakfast.

Dude, I've never seen anything like that

and I've been going to this school for six years.

Name's Anvil.

You should swing by our fraternity tonight.

Can I bring my friend?

Is he dope like you?

Aw, yeah. He's a total dope.

[laughs]

Dude, this is an invite to a frat house. Do you realize how awesome this is?

No, what happens at a frat house?

I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure it's great.

[excitedly] That's not very much information,

but the tone of your voice is making me very excited!

Hey, Amanda.

[gasps] Are you making a TV show?

I wanna be in it.

I'll be the normal guy. You be my wacky sidekick.

I'm making a prank video, so I can watch it when I'm sad.

[scoffs] you?

[sighs] I'm gonna put this as delicately as possible.

You stink at pranks.

And that haircut is doing you no favors.

Funny.

That guy over there said, "you stink."

And he's gonna kick your butt.

That guy?

Hey, want a piece of me, pal?

I will mess up your world!

-[grunting] -[Amanda laughing]

Ow! Ow, he cut me!

Get him off! Get him off!

Oh! Ow! Oh!

I wonder if I even needed the hat and sunglasses.

Wait a minute.

Was that a prank?

Well, it didn't work. I'm totally fine.

[laughs]

That's funny. I'm still thirsty.

[Amanda laughs]

Amanda, have you seen my lip gloss?

It's on the table over there.

Loaded with hot pepper.

[whispers] It's loaded with hot pepper.

Cleo is so dumb.

[laughs]

[screams]

My lips!

Mom!

[still screaming]

Girls, am I right?

Ooh.

Lip gloss.

Ah...

[hums]

[smacks lips]

[screams]

Oh, it burns! Oh!

Mom!

[crying]

Whoa.

Told you.

Again, I "whoa."

Bro-bro!

Bro-chacho!

Bro-bot!

Bro-tato chip.

Bernstein, you want in on this?

Sure. Bro... Maine lettuce.

Really, Bernstein? A vegetable?

Way to kill a bro-down.

Launch!

[cheering]

I want pizza. Do me!

[grunts]

Bro, you didn't say "launch." That's the only rule in this frat.

-Oh. -You only have one rule?

What about putting down the toilet seat?

We don't have a toilet seat.

[laughs]

Could this place get any better?

[gasps]

Bernstein, look!

A cannon! [laughs]

It got better. Do you think it's real?

Oh, it's real, as real as my fake smile.

I'm Tad Chamberlain, president of Beta Rho Omega.

Face slam, Tad Chamberlain!

Uh, I'm Crash. This is Bernstein.

Don't do the bro-thing with him.

Sweet house.

All this and no moms anywhere.

Moms? What are you, 12?

What? No.

Thirteen.

Oh, you must be the kid genius I read about.

[laughs]

You read?

Hey, guys! We have a reader.

[cackles]

These guys are perfect.

That purple dude's a blast

and the kid genius can do all of our homework.

Hey, kid genius, how'd you like to join our fraternity?

Let's think this over.

Yes!

Gentlemen, form the beta circle.

[all] We're unique. We're individuals.

We all think for ourselves.

Yes, we're frat brothers.

Yes. Do you have this in red?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm making snacks for my new fraternity brothers.

[inhales]

-[laughs] -Gross.

Uh,

if you're not gonna eat that, I'm gonna put it back on the plate.

Get out of my way.

I need to butter the floor.

That is the first thing you ever said to me

that made sense.

Pesto, I've got a surprise for you in the kitchen.

[Pesto] Is it a hug?

Whoa!

-[thuds] -[laughs]

And they say butter's bad for you.

Was this a date?

Pesto, it was a prank. We need to work together to get her back.

You want me to prank Amanda?

I don't know. She'd never do anything like that to me.

[air horn blares]

Shopping cart demolition derby!

[cheers]

Go!

Ah-ha.

We have a challenger.

You might want to surrender, little guy.

No one eats more than me.

Don't let my size fool you.

In this corner,

the demon of digestive juices,

the iron stomach,

the man who invented the mercy flush,

Anvil!

[cheering]

-[cheers] -All right.

And in this corner, wearing the--

Finished!

[belches]

Oh, no, no, no. I could not do dessert.

All right, I'll look at a menu.

Yo, genius, I need you to help me with my chemistry homework.

Me?

Right, because I'm the boy genius.

I might be a little rusty. I passed chemistry in preschool.

First question,

name a metal light enough to float on water.

Uh, that would be...

Raftium?

Excellent.

And name the most deadly element.

-Kryptonite. -Kryptonite, excellent.

And what is the common chemical formula for vitamin "C"?

Oh... J.?

-Are you sure about that? -Who's the boy genius here?

♪ Kick it down hard core ♪

-What are you doing here? -Not meeting with Cleo.

Interesting.

I am?

Let me finish.

Interesting you should mention Cleo.

You both seemed really upset about the pranks I pulled.

Upset is a strong word.

I'd say emotionally confused.

You two wouldn't be planning some kind of revenge prank,

-would you? -Nope!

Really, Pesty?

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to lead you outside

where Cleo's gonna jump up from a bush

dressed like an old gardener with a snake.

Darn! I promised myself I wouldn't crack.

-Do you at least respect me more? -Of course not.

But if you help me turn Cleo's prank back on her,

I'll maybe consider not disrespecting you less.

Yes, everything's coming up Pesto.

Oh, he's got a man on the wing! He shoots.

-[dings] -Goal!

Goal, goal, goal! Goal, goal, goal!

Goal, goal, goal! Goal, goal, goal!

Is Crash always this excited?

Oh, this isn't excited.

You're lucky he kept on his pants.

Pants! Pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants!

[panting] Bernstein,

this place is amazing.

Let's make a pact right here that no matter what happens in our lives,

we will never ever leave the fraternity.

At some point, these guys are gonna figure out we don't go to this college.

-Ever! -All right, it's a pact.

[both hack and spit]

You in for yogurt slams?

[sniffs, gags]

This is mayonnaise.

We were out of yogurt, but I put blueberries in. Same thing.

No, it's not.

It's definitely not the same thing.

I couldn't think of two things that are less the same thing.

Bernstein doesn't like mayonnaise.

It's disgusting. They don't call it "white diarrhea" for nothing.

Who calls it "white diarrhea"?

Has that not caught on?

No.

Then I guess it's just me.

Little man, you're my favorite genius ever.

Except that he's not a genius.

Uh-oh.

I just got my chemistry homework back.

Every answer the little dude gave me was wrong.

Really? Every one? Well, we'll get 'em next time.

-Who's up for foosball? -Nice try, kid.

You're out of the frat.

Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted.

Come on, Crash.

-Crash can stay. -It doesn't work that way.

We're a team. Let's go, Crash.

Um, Bernstein, we made a pact.

We spit in our hands and wiped it on that guy and everything.

These guys are my brothers.

They're not your brothers. I'm your brother.

[hisses] Awkward.

Fine. This place isn't that much fun, anyways.

I don't need that stupid frat. It wasn't even that good.

We could have a way better frat right here, just you and me.

I mean, we're awesome.

Go on.

Maybe, we can build a giant water slide or something.

Or we can build a thing we could use as a coat rack.

That way, if it got hot,

we could hang up our coats and they wouldn't get dirty.

[sighs] Yeah, we're awesome.

[bleating]

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Well, if it isn't our favorite rat.

Um, it's a ram, Bernstein.

Maybe if you stayed in college, you would know that.

Can you hide me?

I stole this mascot from our arch-rival.

Where are your frat brothers?

Back at the house.

They said it was better if I did this alone.

That way, if I get caught, only I go to jail.

More candy for me!

Crash, those guys clearly don't care about you.

Oh, yeah? Then why would they pick me

to clean all the rotting food out of the back of the fridge?

Huh, Bernstein?

Huh?

[coughs]

Did you clean it with your mouth?

Maybe.

[notification ping]

Oh, that's the guys.

They told me to hurry home. They're out of toilet paper.

They want you to pick some up?

No.

Come on, Clark.

Duty calls.

[laughs] Duty.

This is only gonna get worse.

Well, he made his choice.

He chose fraternity brothers over his real brother.

You're right. Crash is my brother.

I gotta go get him out of that frat. You wanna come?

I would, but...

I've gotta go make Amanda not not disrespect me more than she...

You know, I forgot how she said it,

but I'm pretty sure we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

Amanda should be down any minute.

Great. Lead her past me and I'll jump out at her with this.

Good plan.

A-train, it's Pest-man.

Operation "Reverse Cleo" is a go.

Should we kiss for good luck?

I have a meat hook.

[screams]

[screams]

[shrieks]

Help! Police!

Uh-oh.

Oh, Mrs. López. I'm so sorry.

This isn't what it looks like.

I wasn't trying to meat hook Mrs. López.

I was trying to meat hook my sister.

I should really stop saying meat hook.

Pesto, don't let them arrest me.

Can I request a shared jail cell?

We're kind of a couple.

[Cleo laughs]

[laughs]

That was fun.

You have my money?

Hey, it was worth every penny.

Your niece and nephew looked like real cops.

Oh, my brother owns a uniform shop.

Let me know if you ever need to prank an astronaut.

Hi, Amanda.

You just got pranked by [whispers] Cleo.

[whispers] Y López.

Got it, Crash? You're gonna break into the firehouse

through the doggy door.

Got it. And if I get caught, I'll start howling. [howls]

And you say you know how to drive a fire truck?

Yes, I do say that.

If you guys want a fire truck so badly,

why don't you just go take it yourselves?

What are you doing here?

This place is for frat brothers only.

You shouldn't be here.

Yeah, well, neither should Crash.

You're just using him.

They're not using me.

You're dressed like a Dalmatian.

That was my idea.

It's like a license to pee on things.

Come on, Crash.

[singing] I made you a... bathtub sandwich.

Oh, you know me so well.

Wyatt, uh,

you're right. We've been jerks.

Why don't you stay? You seem like a good kid.

Is there any way we can make it up to you?

There's not a thing in the world.

How about a game of indoor paintball?

Indoor paintball? That's a thing?

What's up with all the mayonnaise?

We're filling the paintballs with it. We're gonna nail your friend.

And he won't even be able to fight back

because I removed the firing pin from his blaster.

[gasps] This is horrible!

I can't believe it!

I forgot to record my telenovela!

[beeps]

Done. So what were you guys talking about?

Uh, I don't think these teams are fair.

Seems fair to me, loser.

Crash, what's going on?

It's a brother thing.

Fire.

What is happening right now?

[laughs] It's hard to shoot without the firing pins!

Like I said, it's a brother thing.

Light 'em up, Bernstein.

[groaning]

[Crash cackles]

Shoot! I'm out.

-Crash, mayo. -What?

Just do it.

[gags and coughs]

I can do this.

I'm warning you,

Don't fire that cannon, bro.

You're not my bro, Tad Chamberlain.

[shrieks, groans]

[Crash laughs]

Good work, Bernstein. You mayo'd them.

Yeah, and I didn't get a drop on me.

Except for that one little speck.

[gags, coughs]

So, tell us why we should let you in our fraternity.

Well, I'm a lot of fun.

I'll do anything you want without thinking.

And not to brag, but my brother founded this fraternity.

All right, you're in.

Yes! [laughs]

Let's get started on the coat rack.

Uh, wait a minute. Can my friend get in?

Why should we let you into the fraternity?

-I could hold the coats. -He's in!

[laughs] Yes, sir. Up high.

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪