Original subtitles

Blue 42! Blue 42!

[snaps] Check, check, uh...

Winnipeg.

Trips left, slam post!

I'm hiking.

[Crash grunting] Whoo, lateral.

Oh! Bernstein's open! Throw me!

I'm a spiral. [grunts]

[winces] Right in the delicates.

Man, this place is getting dangerous.

We should get rid of this junk.

Whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Junk?

Everything here has a purpose,

Unlike you.

Everything?

Even this broken toaster and carburetor?

What if I want carburetor toast?

Huh, Pesto? Do I just starve?

Oh!

[gasps]

Candy horseshoe!

No, no, no. Crash, that's a magnet.

Forget it. You're just gonna eat it, anyways.

Am not.

[sighs]

[belches]

[buzzing]

Oh.

Whoa.

Wha-- whoa whoa.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Ugh!

Well, that wasn't as bad as it could have been.

[buzzing continues]

Oh, no.

Whoa.

[grunts] Okay.

That was a late hit.

[groans]

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

♪ In the fridge I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude ♪

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Let me hear you say Crash ♪

♪ Crash, Crash! ♪

Sign-up tables?

Banners about cup stacking?

A dancing cup mascot?

You know what this means?

Cups have invaded the planet!

[wails]

And five days earlier than I predicted.

Hey, Wyatt.

I just signed up my team.

Are you gonna compete this year?

I don't stack cups. I wear them

-When I play real sports. -[Crash laughs]

I'm sorry. All I heard was,

"Waah! I'm afraid to lose to Cleo because I'm a chicken."

[squawks]

That's not what a chicken sounds like.

Hey, we should be a team.

Let's sign up.

No. No, no, no.

Nothing good can come from competing against Cleo.

If I win, big deal. I beat my little sister.

But if I lose, that's a big deal!

I got beat by my little sister!

[scoffs] I don't know, Bernstein.

There's a rumor going around that you're chicken.

No, Cleo just called me that.

I know. I heard her. I'm the one who spread the rumor.

Don't worry. I'll fix it.

I'll sign us up.

Don't... do that.

Problem solved.

I told you I didn't wanna be in it.

So the rumors are true.

You are chicken.

No!

What the heck, it'd be nice to beat Cleo

and just shut her up.

But we'll need to practice.

How tough can it be?

It's a cup smacking competition.

Smack, smack, smack, smack.

Smack, smack, smack, smack...

Cleo, get off the couch.

The doctor said I need to keep my foot elevated.

It's a sprained ankle.

You're not getting special treatment from anyone.

Amanda.

I came as soon as I heard.

I'm here to give you special treatment.

-Cleo, off the couch! -Hey!

You're in very good hands.

I was a doctor for Halloween two years ago.

Fine.

If I let you take care of me,

we need some ground rules.

You'll await my text at all times.

I do anyway.

Minimal eye contact and small talk.

-Of course. -That's too much talk.

-Wait, but I-- -Nuh-uh.

Eye contact.

♪ Kick it down hardcore! ♪

-[laughing] -What's all this?

Oh, I invented a game.

It's called junk tower.

You carefully pull out one piece of junk at a time.

I win!

Where'd you get all this junk?

You have to know people, like Earl.

Our garbage man?

He is a garbage hero, Bernstein.

[garbage truck beeping]

Let her rip, Earl!

-[truck whirrs] -[laughing]

Yes! That's it, Earl. Make it rain.

Ha ha!

Wait a minute.

He said there'd be an anvil.

Ugh. Oh!

There it is.

[shouts] Thanks, Earl.

[truck honks]

Crash, why do you even want this stuff?

I'm gonna collect it.

You know, like Cleo collects snow globes

or you collect the mysterious bits I find in my underwear.

Check under your pillow.

Crash, this is our hangout.

We don't need it filled with junk.

I know we don't need it,

but why not treat ourselves every now and then?

Now, if you'll excuse me...

Whoo! Ooh! [laughs]

Crash, listen.

We have to practice our cup stacking.

If Cleo beats us,

I won't be able to show my face at the breakfast table.

And you know how much I love breakfast.

It's like the lunch of the morning.

[cellphone pings]

Uh-oh.

Amanda can't reach the TV remote.

That poor, poor incredibly attractive girl.

Wait. What about practice?

I'll practice tonight,

assuming Amanda doesn't need me to do ocean noises while she sleeps.

-[cheering] -[whistle blows]

Welcome to round one

of the Linus Pauling Cup Stacking Challenge!

Those are supposed to shoot flames.

Darn it, Cuppy!

Okay, the winners today will move onto the finals.

[audience gasps]

Why do we even rehearse?

Hey, Wyatt.

Thought you might wanna meet my teammates. [snaps]

Alzbeta and Zelenka.

Well, what grade are they in? The 25th?

They're exchange students from Stackaslovakia.

Nice try. That's not a real country.

Um, Bernstein.

I'm pretty sure it is.

And I got an "H" in Geography.

[knuckles crack]

Big deal. I can do that too.

-[grunts] -[clown horn honks]

I should get that looked at.

Girls, we're at table number two.

Ha!

Table number two!

Because that's what you smell like, a table!

Sounded better in my head.

[sighs] All right,

please tell me you guys practiced.

I spent all night practicing.

Wait, you mean for this?

Then, no, I did not.

And Amanda and I had special plans last night.

She made you do her homework?

Trigonometry. I understood nothing.

-[cheering] -Come on, Pesto, you got this!

Pesto, you stink!

Pesto's on our team.

Sorry.

Come on, Pesto!

But you still kind of stink!

Come on, Bernstein, we're losing because of Pesto!

Not you, different Pesto.

[laughs]

[yawns]

-Done! -[whistle blows]

Whoa!

I've never seen anything like that before.

Let's check the replay.

Okay, let's see.

[sighs, gasps]

Oh! Ha ha.

This calls for a smoke-a-bration!

Darn it, Cuppy.

You begged me to put you in charge of the smoke machine.

So, I see you have a secret weapon.

Doesn't matter. We'll still beat you.

Wanna bet? Loser cleans our whole room for a month.

-Make it a year. -No, make it five years.

-Fine. -Wait.

Are we gonna be sharing a room until I'm 18?

[both shudder]

Maybe we should go back to a month.

-Fine! -Fine!

[smoke hisses]

Cuppy, you're making a mockery of this sport.

[grunts] Ha, ha, yeah.

Hey, Crash.

I just came to see how my star stacker's doing.

You ready for tomorrow?

Born ready.

What's tomorrow?

My memory's been foggy ever since I started spritzing

with my new cologne.

Crash, that's toxic.

I believe It's pronounced "toxeek."

Well, you've smelled worse.

And you seem happy.

A happy stacker's a fast stacker.

Oh, I am happy.

In fact, I was just telling trash heap how happy I am.

Oh, yeah, now you're talking to your trash heap?

-Uh-huh. -Well, that's nice.

You know, you should tell him that knock-knock joke that never ends.

[gasps]

Hey, trash heap.

[grunts] Huh?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Knock, knock.

Oh, I like where this joke is going.

I hope it never ends.

[laughs]

I came as soon as you texted.

You said it was an emergency.

Yes, there's a secret sale at Sheila's Shoe Vault tomorrow.

I need you to camp out, so you're first in line.

Oh. Well...

The thing is we have the cup stacking finals tomorrow.

Yeah, I really care about that.

Thanks! That's why I like taking care of you.

I know, if I got hurt, you'd do the same for me.

So I'll just head down to Sheila's Shoe Vault.

Hey, wait. I don't have any cash.

So I'll just use my allowance money.

[sighs]

This is all a man could ask for.

[light music plays]

A cup of sludge...

[deep breathe]

An unsavory odor...

Can't tell you how happy I am right now.

Then why don't you sing about it?

Ha, who me? Nah, nah, I couldn't.

I haven't prepared any--

-[music ramps up] -♪ I'm a junk man ♪

♪ Nothing but a funk fan ♪

♪ Grooving with my junk band ♪

♪ This isn't weird ♪

♪ I'm about to blow your mind ♪

♪ With the funky junk People leave behind ♪

♪ This fake puke That might not be bacon ♪

♪ This old blue toilet cake... ♪

[sniffs] Mm-hmm.

Smells like bathroom.

♪ Floating high in the sky ♪

♪ Watching junk pass me by ♪

♪ Roller blades, Venetian shades ♪

♪ Magic beans, Cat lady jeans ♪

♪ Crusty snail A big toenail, noodle art ♪

♪ This jar of fart ♪

I'm hungry.

This rainbow tastes like rainbow.

Whee!

Ugh! Ow!

♪ 'Cause he's a junk man ♪

♪ Nothing but a funk fan ♪

♪ Grooving with his junk band ♪

♪ This just got weird ♪

Drum solo!

[banging, clanging]

-[no music] -[singing] Because he's junk man,

nothing but a funk fan,

grooving with his junk--

Oh, hey, Bernstein.

I'm singing.

Yeah, I can see that.

Look, I think those toxic fumes are getting to you.

I'm fine.

And I can touch my thoughts. [laughs]

-What's that coming out of your ear? -Oh, just my brain.

It's melting.

Look, are you gonna be okay for the tournament tomorrow?

Don't worry.

I'll be there with bells in my pants.

Great. Just as long as you wear pants.

Crash,

you can't go to the cup stacking tomorrow.

You promised to be on my cooking show.

We're making hot sludge sundaes.

Oh, yeah!

I'll skip the stacking thing.

Bernstein won't mind.

Can I lick the spoon?

It ain't gonna lick itself.

[laughs]

Congratulations, stackers. Let's get stacking!

It's not confetti unless you cut it up, Cuppy.

All right. The next round starts in 30 minutes.

-Where's your team? -I don't know.

Are you gonna go find 'em or are you gonna forfeit?

Looks like I'm gonna have to forfeit.

Can you do me a favor and not tell Cleo yet

so I have a few more minutes of peace in my life?

I read you loud and clear, buddy.

Hey, everybody! We have a quitter!

Aw, poor Wyatt.

His friends stood him up and now he's gonna cry.

For your information, my friends did not stand me up.

They let me down.

So in your face!

Well, it was fun beating you, so in your face!

Okay, technically you won.

But by no means does that qualify for an "in my face."

Speaking of face, what's that on yours?

A giant "L."

Whoa, whoa. Buddy, buddy. Hey.

Girls, huh?

Cute, but terrifying.

-Like koalas. -Yeah.

Well, that koala is about to get her butt kicked.

-I thought you forfeited. -Not anymore.

I'm gonna go find my team.

All right, go get them.

[sighs]

Again?

They need to put a zipper in that thing. This should not be a two-man job.

[clatters]

Crash, you're supposed to be at the stacking tournament.

Oh, sorry. I had a conflict.

Heap and I are about to record his food show.

His cooking is to die for.

Really. There have been deaths.

You can't blow this off.

This is important.

Uh, I hear you, Bernstein,

but you just hit Craig.

I don't care about your stupid junk!

So that's the way it's gonna be?

Fine. I can stack trash all day.

Ha!

Crash, you--

Wait.

It's not the junk you're so attached to, it's the stacking.

[gasps] You're right.

If only there were some sort of contest

that involved stacking things.

Like the Cup Stacking Tournament?

Nah. It has to be something where we can beat Cleo.

Yes. That's exactly where we're supposed to be right now.

Then why're you bothering me with all the small talk? Let's go.

Great. I'll meet you at the school. I have to go get Pesto.

Got it.

[sighs]

[sad music]

Well, heap.

I guess this is it.

There's so much I need to say to you.

[breathes deeply]

Bye.

Not so fast.

[struggles]

You're not going anywhere.

But Bernstein's my brother. He needs me.

You can't make me stay.

Ha ha!

[grunts]

You do realize I'm imaginary?

You control everything I do and say.

[grunting]

If that was true,

it would mean that I'm fighting with myself.

[battle cry]

Hey! Oh, take that!

Ouch! Ow! Ooh, low blow.

Ow, ow, ow! Ooh, cut it out!

Hey, stop it! Hey!

♪ Let me hear you say Crash ♪

♪ Crash, Crash ♪

Amanda, I need your help.

You have to text Pesto

and tell him to get down to the Cup Stacking Tournament.

I would, but you're my brother and I'm pretty sure we're not supposed

to be nice to each other until we're like 40.

Fine. Then I guess I'll just text him...

with your phone.

Don't even think about it, punk.

What are you gonna do about it, crutchie?

[cracking]

[wind blows]

Mom really needs to vacuum in here.

I'd put that down if I were you.

No, if you were me, you'd be a whole lot smarter

and not nearly as pretty.

Wait.

Anyways, I'm out of here.

Come back here with that.

I can't take selfies with a landline.

[pants] Oh, good. Pesto, you're here.

Amanda texted and told me to get down here.

Although, why do you think she wants me to "dye my vest"?

She must have meant "do your best."

Stupid auto-correct.

What's that smell?

That's the smell of a dramatic entrance!

And sewage.

Mostly sewage.

Crash, what happened?

I got into a fight.

You should see the other guy.

-[whistle blows] -[cheering]

[Crash] Go, Pesto! Pesto!

[whistle blows]

[whistle blows]

[laughs]

Sorry, buddy.

Meh.

Linus Pauling Middle School,

it's Cup Stacking Finals time.

Ready, set...

[whistle blows]

-[cheering] -Whoa.

Cool lights.

Pesto, start stacking. They're beating you.

Where's your arm?

Did I always have two?

No worries, Bernstein. [ripping]

[laughs]

Oh, boing, boing, boing,

boing, boing, boing.

So, it's gonna come down to you and me.

When you make my bed, wear gloves. I know where those hands have been.

[Crash laughing]

[gasping]

Time out!

Thanks.

[audience] Aww.

What the heck, you know, you're my sister--

Time in!

[whistle blows]

[Crash] Oh!

Winner, Cup Boom!

Drop the balloons!

[audience] Aw.

Cuppy, you disgust me.

How does it feel to get beat by your little sister?

I bet it feels bad.

[snaps]

[snaps]

[sighs] You know?

I'm starting to think she's just not nice.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm having a sleepover with my friends.

Cleo, you know everyone.

That's Doug. Over there is Mitch. You'd like him. He owns a small business.

Mom!

Oh, wait.

Wyatt has to clean this up.

Go to town.

Wyatt!

♪ Crash and Bern, hardcore ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern, Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said Stein ♪ -♪ What he said ♪