Original subtitles

When are those navy jets flying over?

I'm tired of staring at the sky.

It's blue! I get it!

Relax. They're coming.

In the meantime, let's enjoy the moment

and allow the vastness of the sky

remind us how insignificant we are.

I've seen you with your shirt off. I know how insignificant you are.

Crash, quit making fun of Pesto's baby arms.

Thanks, Wyatt.

If those jets don't fly over soon,

I am going to launch into an angry tirade

and the language is gonna get pretty PG-13.

-[inhales deeply] -[jets zooming]

-[angry shouting] -[loud jets passing]

...and they'll have to pry my foot out with a crowbar,

then wipe the crowbar off with a tissue.

So when are those jets coming?

Forget the jets.

On Saturday, an aircraft carrier's docking in the harbor. That'll be way cooler.

Even better than the time I saw that flying horse.

Pesto, that was a dream.

No, it wasn't.

You were there...

With Jay-Z,

and we won the world series.

Now that I say it out loud, it might have been a dream.

I think that we can climb up on the roof and watch the carrier from there.

Or we could build a luxury box.

Don't worry. I know a guy.

Here's what I'm gonna do for you, guys.

[spits]

I'm gonna build you a state-of-the-art luxury box,

built entirely with titanium beveled glass.

And here's the best part:

It's only gonna cost you $140,000.

Or if you want to be cheapskates,

I'll tie a rope to that bench seat over there

and hoist in the air, five bucks.

That's a great idea.

I mean... [sniffs]

[tough-guy accent] Hey, that's a great idea. [spits]

Great. Here are the blueprints.

You mooks get started. I'm on my lunch break.

Egg salad?

I hate egg salad!

Why do I keep making myself egg salad?

[hat pops] All right. Back to work.

Crash, you might want to leave your hard hat on.

Hey, I'm the expert here.

I've been doing this since two minutes ago.

-[grunts] -[clangs, thuds]

[groans] See?

That would have broken a perfectly good hard hat.

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

Another accident?

Letting the wrestling coach teach science was not a good idea.

Are you kidding?

Yesterday, he singed his nose hair off with a Bunsen burner.

The man's a genius.

Morning, class.

Let's all put yesterday's unfortunate incident behind us.

[gasps]

Oh! That is remarkable.

It is a wasteland up there.

Do not put your finger in there.

Oh, I would never.

[grunts]

Whoo! Oof!

Ha!

Okay, listen up.

Today we're gonna learn about the human body.

Now, I know this subject can be uncomfortable,

but we're all mature here.

I don't want any giggling.

[giggling]

Sorry.

Okay, serious now.

[snorting laugh]

I did not expect pictures.

This could take a while.

Took coach two days to tell us how to wear a cup.

I still say he taught us to put it on the wrong place.

Why else would it have these ear straps?

Let's just skip to the assignment.

Today we're gonna learn that all living things

are dependent upon one another,

none more so than babies.

So you're all going to take home--

A baby? Yes!

Do they come with their own poop or is that sold separately?

Not a baby. You'll each get an egg to take care of as if it's your child.

You break it, you fail, so be careful.

I can be careful. I'm having a baby!

Do you hear that? I'm having a baby!

Baby, baby, baby!

-[glass breaks] -Ha ha!

What do you say I break your egg now and give you the "F"?

I'm no cheater. I wanna earn my "F."

Oh, oh, shouldn't have buttered my hands.

Whoop. [sighs]

[laughs]

I bet you all thought I was gonna break my egg.

-Wrong! -[egg cracks]

Whoop, someone's getting an "F."

[whispers loudly] It's you.

What are you putting on your egg?

Sunblock. My family's prone to moles.

Where's your egg?

Oh, I plopped him in front of the TV.

It's a little parenting tip I picked up from my mom.

Oh, time to change the channel.

Careful, Crash. You're gonna break your egg.

[scoffs] How would that happen?

It's got a protective shell, like a light bulb.

Besides, I've been taking good care of this thing all day.

Three, two, one.

Egg-nition! [laughs]

Get it? Egg-nition.

Blast off!

[grunts]

Don't worry. Daddy's got you.

Here you go.

Oh, there you are.

Well, I'm protecting my egg.

When Amanda sees how responsible I am,

she'll realize what a great father I'll be to our children:

Nancy and Blaine Bernstein.

I'm taking her name.

Oh.

Crash, did you eat my sunglasses again?

Hey, Amanda. Nice bathing suit.

Tsk! For once in your life, could you try and play it cool?

I'm cool.

Hey, Pesto, is that sunscreen? Will you sub some on my back?

-[gasps] -[egg cracks]

Aw, man.

I can't believe I'm failing P.E.

Just because I can't dodge a dumb ball.

Yes, sweetie, the ball is dumb.

Now dodge!

You didn't dodge.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Cleo! I'm your mom.

I just wanna help you pass gym.

Here comes the heat.

Bingo!

I don't understand why you don't like this game.

It's a lot of fun.

Oh, okay, all right.

Here, you throw one at me

and I'll just stand here.

[deep breath, grunts]

Catchies, you're out!

[laughing]

Ow. [grunts]

You really do stink at dodgeball.

-Crash! -[Mel] Dodge it. Dodge it! That's it.

Dodge! Attagirl! Crash, step aside. Let me try that thing.

-[laughs] -Ow!

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

Okay, whose egg survived?

Only the girls, that's what I thought.

Men are useless, right, ladies?

Hey, what about us?

We didn't break our eggs. Our hands are up.

Really? I just figured you had to go the bathroom.

I don't need to raise my hand to go to the bathroom.

Watch.

[straining]

Sorry to disappoint you, coach.

Guess some of us are just more responsible than you think.

Crud.

Time of death: 1:42. Grade: "F."

I win.

I'm proud of you, Crash. Someday you'll make a great father.

I will? Huh.

All right, everybody. Put your eggs in the bucket.

Crash, scramble that sucker.

[laughs]

[gasps]

[dramatic music]

No, I can't do it!

This is my baby!

Crash Jr.

I named him after my favorite person in the whole world.

Robert Downey Jr.

[strains]

[grunts]

Crud.

You're supposed to be helping me with this luxury box.

Come on. Grab the rope and help.

No can do. I'm a dad now.

Is that a baby pouch?

It is now.

It used to be a drink holder.

When you become a father, your priorities change.

I'm gonna stay as close to Crash Jr. as I can.

-You know he's an egg? -Oh, yeah, total egghead.

Takes after his pop.

He already knows the names of all three planets--

Even Europe!

Now come on. This luxury box was your idea.

And the aircraft carrier is coming in two days.

You don't wanna miss it.

What I don't wanna miss is a moment of Junior's life.

Which reminds me...

-[grunts] Ahh. -[chalk squeaks]

They grow up so slow.

[sighs]

You wouldn't understand, Bernstein.

You're not a dad. Come on, Junior.

Fine. Then I guess I'll just raise the seat by myself.

Yes!

-[metal squeaks] -No.

No, no, no, no.

Crash, a little help?

No, thanks. I'm good.

No, Crash. Crash, come back.

♪ Kick it down hard Crash and burn ♪

What are you doing in the kitchen?

I eat here. Gross!

I just wanted to show you I can be a responsible father.

Meet our goldfish. Isn't he adorable?

It's got your eyes.

You really need to work on your flirting.

-Really? -Not with me!

I just wanted to show you

that, one day, I could take care of our children,

just like I took care of this fish.

-Pesto, it's dead. -What?

This is tragic.

We should comfort each other.

Let me be your rock.

Or you could be my rock.

I'm comfortable with a strong woman.

Just ask my mother.

Um, "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men..."

[yelps]

Um, "...lived happily ever after."

The end. [shudders]

-[doorbell rings] -Doorbell!

You don't have to say it every time.

-Say what? -Doorbell.

Doorbell!

[laughs]

Did you hear that? Your old man's still got it.

Oh! That must be Junior's teacher.

It's time for his violence lesson.

You mean "violin lesson."

No, violence.

[grunts]

-Oh! -[laughs]

-Huh! -Yahhhh!

[grunts, laughs]

Ugh, ugh. Pay attention, Junior.

You'll need to know this for your recital next week.

Same time tomorrow, Claude?

[laughs]

I talked to your gym teacher.

All she wants is for you to be able to do one physical activity

for 40 minutes and you'll pass P.E.

I've done physical activity for 40 minutes!

-In a row. -Oh.

Come on, let's try yoga.

We'll start with an easy one.

This is called Sun Salutation.

Ow!

Cleo, it's just raising your arms above your head.

How out of shape are you?

Sorry, everyone. Sorry.

Just tossing the old pigskin with Junior.

Crash, your stupid egg can't catch a football.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Hm-mm, maybe you're right.

Maybe he's a punter.

[gasps] Football. That's a great idea.

Cleo, honey, go deep.

-Okay. -Okay.

She's not coming back.

Nah.

♪ Kick it down hardcore ♪

-Crash, have you-- -[Crash] Hey!

Meet Crash Junior's new pet: Hondo.

He likes going to the bathroom indoors and eating your underpants.

Not in that order.

Why is there a bale of hay In the hall?

[gasps] Wha--

[stuttering]

Way to go, Crash. You finally broke Mom.

You need to get rid of that egg.

Crash loves it. I can't get rid of it.

It'd be like you getting rid of me.

If you did to my shoes what that pony is doing in yours,

-I'd consider it. -What?

Those are my new high tops.

And he filled them! Crash, stop him!

No can do.

Once Hondo starts, there's no stopping him.

-[whickers] -He's like a horse!

Okay.

I'll get rid of the egg. You get rid of the pony.

Deal, except you also get rid of the pony.

♪ Let me hear you say Crash, Crash ♪

Remember, Junior, eyes on the ball.

Oh, yeah. Got all of that one.

Step aside, Pesto. I'm killing that egg.

Hey, I have to warn you.

If we get caught, I'm talking.

Hey, Crash.

Look at you playing with your little son.

Hey, Junior, What's up?

Tickle tickle tickle tickle.

[exaggerated gasp] Oh, no!

What have I done? I'm an egg killer!

Oh, well, want to go play some video games?

I already know too much.

Don't worry about it.

That's why I had a safety net installed.

-Seriously? -Yup.

I mean, thank goodness!

Hey, that's a nice net. Can I see it for a second?

Sure.

Oh, no, what have I done?

I'm an egg killer, again!

Relax, Bernstein.

That's why I installed a safety-net net.

Why are we doing this?

Because your sister is failing P.E.

How is that possible?

Hyuah! Ow!

Oh.

I get it.

Ooh, a boxing match.

My money's on the one with no arms that can't move.

[grunts]

How would you like to help us out?

Ah, sure.

Bobbity, bobbity, bobbity, bobbity,

bobbity, bobbity, ouchity.

Okay, Cleo, you can stop now. I think you'll be able to pass gym.

Oh, I'm going for extra credit.

What? Ugh, oh! Stopity pleasity, stopity. [sobbing]

-[doorbell rings] -[Crash] Doorbell!

We all heard it.

I brought my nana's parakeet.

You know I must be good at taking care of things

'cause she trusted me with it.

The cage is empty.

What?

Aw, man.

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[snoring]

[dramatic music playing]

[crashes]

Ow.

[clattering]

[shrieks]

Why don't you just turn on the light?

Ninjas don't need lights.

We have cat-like reflexes.

Whoo! Whoo! Shya!

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

You're a disgrace to ninjas...

And cats.

You should talk, you're failing gym.

You should talk, you're failing life.

-[scoffs] -[alarm warbling]

How does Crash know how to build a laser beam?

He thinks orange juice comes out of a cow.

[voice] Warning, warning. Step back from the egg.

My voice will get louder every five seconds.

Now it's even louder!

And it wasn't even five seconds!

[siren]

It's nothing personal.

Crash is my brother, and it's my job to look out for him.

When did he have time to take these pictures?

Wait, that waterslide's in Seattle.

I can't do this...

Not without butter.

Here we go.

I see you found Junior's body double.

As a parent, you can't be too careful.

-Heh. -[sappy music playing]

When you have a little one,

you have to cherish every moment, Bernstein.

Before you know it...

[tearfully] They'll be off to college

and I'll never see him ever again.

My life will go back to exactly as it was before.

-[wailing] -[music stops]

What did you say?

When he goes off to college, things will go back to normal?

Let me start from the top.

[music resumes] When you have a little one, Bernstein,

you have to cherish every moment.

[tearfully] Oh, no. Here I go again.

[bawls]

Hey, Crash. You got something in the mail.

Ooh. Is it my first installment for the pineapple of the month club?

Ooh, please let it be cherry flavored.

I hate pineapple.

[gasps] It's better.

Junior's been accepted to the University of College.

I told you my boy was a genius.

Just like his proud papa.

Congratulations. Your work as a father is done.

Look, they even sent a bus for him.

There's one seat left.

Can we hurry this up? My mom needs these eggs back.

She's making spaghetti carbonara.

But he's my baby.

I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Think about his future:

Graduating college, finding his first job...

Who knows? He could be the first egg president.

I don't get your point.

Let me try again.

[sappy music]

Think about his future:

Graduating college,

Yada yada yada...

First egg president.

-[music stops] -Oh, now I get it.

[sighs] You're right.

Who am I to hold him back?

My boy's going to the University of College!

Honk honk. Bus is leaving.

[whispers] Dinner's at 6:00.

No, he's too good for the bus.

He's gonna fly.

Make daddy proud.

Do you think he'll call?

He'll probably be focusing on his studies.

Ah.

Guys, the view is amazing!

The aircraft carrier's going so slow!

You can't even tell it's moving!

This is so boring!

You guys are totally missing it.

Crash, you shouldn't be up there until we stabilize it.

Wait,

let's see how this plays out.

It's fine. Look.

[grunts]

This thing's as solid as a...

Um...

I don't suppose you have my hard hat?

[yelps]

-[Crash] Bernstein, a little help? -No, thanks. I'm good.

[grunting]

♪ Crash and Bern, hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪