All language subtitles for Carry On Loving (1970)

♪ Swinging wedding medley ♪

Bye-bye, my old lad, and
thanks for a smashing weekend.

Wonderful company, lovely food and

your wife makes
love magnificently.

Excuse me, sir, but did
I hear you correctly?

What's that, old chap?

You've been a guest in that
gentleman's house for the weekend

and you tell him to his face that
his wife makes love magnificently?

Yes, that's right.

Do you think that's quite correct?

Well, no. Not exactly, no.

But he's such a nice
chap, I wouldn't

like to say anything
to offend him.

I say, that was rather
thoughtful of you.

- Fare?
- Oh, very fair, I'd say.

Come on, come on. I
ain't got all day.

Oh, Guildhall, please.

Fares, please. Any
more fares, please?

Fares, please.

Going all the way?

Why don't you go down front,
sir? You'll see better.

Don't lie to me,
Sidney Bliss. You were

with that woman Esme
Crowfoot all evening.

I keep telling you, I
only popped in for a bit.

Half an hour, that's
all. That's not long.

That's long enough for you.

What've you been doing?
Holding a stopwatch?

What were you doing going
to her flat, anyway?

She's one of our clients, isn't
she? I have to vet 'em, don't I?

Oh, "vet". Is that
the new word for it?

I can't fix 'em up with
the right partners until

I find out what they do
and how... they live.

Like the young widow at
the tobacconist? You

must have "vetted" her
at least 50 times.

Oh, God, I only keep going
in there for my shag.

Look, it's my job to find out
what the female clients do.

You should look after the men.

Don't be stupid. I
know what they do.

Oh, don't try and joke
your way out of it.

What would you say if I started
vetting all the male clients?

- I'd say, "Gawd help 'em."
- You rotten beast.

- I've had enough.
- Sophie, it hurts.

- Cut it out.
- I've had enough of you.

It's every night.

Sophie, it hurts. Have
you gone raving mad?

Come in.

Oh. Oh, I beg your pardon.

That's all right, sir.
We're not ashamed

of being in love,
are we, sweetheart?

- No, dear.
- What can we do for you, sir?

Er, well, it's about your advert.
I was looking for a wife.

And you couldn't have
come to a better

place. Could he, my little baby?

No, indeed.

Well, it looks as
if I shall have to

leave you for a little
while, darling.

Business before pleasure, my dove.
You'll excuse us, won't you?

See you soon, sugar puff.

I'll be counting the moments
till I can get at you again.

It's amazing. Ten years we've been
married. You'd never believe it.

Oh, wonderful. I wouldn't
mind a wife like that.

Like that? No, we'll find you
something better than...

We'll find you
something more suited

to you. Won't you sit down, Mr?

Oh, Muffet. Bertram Muffet.

Muffin. Well, we'll
have to find you

a crumpet to go with
that, won't we?

I beg your pardon?

Never mind. Now,
then, Mr Muffin...

- Er, Muffet.
- Muffet, yes.

Our charges, and very
reasonable they are too,

are two guineas
registration, two for the

introduction and two
when you click.

- Click?
- Get married.

If you click without getting
married, it's four guineas.

Oh, yes, that's fine.

Bertram Muffin.

Muffet.

That's it, yes. We'll just
get a few details. Age?

Oh, er, 17, I think.

17?

Well, I thought the younger she
was, the longer she'd last.

No, no, no. I want your
details. Your age.

Oh, 27.

27. And what are
you interested in?

Same as most chaps
like to do, I suppose.

And that is?

Well, I don't know.
I've never done it yet.

You should try it. It's lovely.

What I'm trying to do is to
find out what you like to do,

so I can fix you up with a
girl who likes it, too.

Oh, yes, I would like a
girl who likes it, too.

Yes, it is handy. Hobbies?

Oh, well, my main one is
making model aeroplanes.

Model aeroplanes?

- Yes, out of milk bottle tops.
- Milk bottle tops?

Yes. They're not flying
models, of course.

No? You surprise me.
Any other hobbies?

I rather like collecting
book matches.

You know, all the
different packets.

I don't think we'll
have much trouble

finding you a girl that
likes making aeroplanes

out of bottle tops and
collecting the odd packet.

Oh, good.

Right, well, that's the lot.

Oh, wonderful. Er,
what happens now?

Come with me.

Now, then.

All we do is feed the information
into the computer here,

and, after a few minutes, the lady

suitable to you will
come out there.

What? Through that little
slot? She must be very small.

No, no, no.

Just the lady's particulars,
not the lady herself.

This is a fantastic
piece of machinery,

you know that? It cost a bomb.

This is a miracle of modern
technology. Here we go.

Bottle tops and book matches.

What a catch.

Ah.

Oh, yes. I think this is
the ideal one, Mr Bliss.

Here we are, then.

Oh, gosh. That was quick.

That's the beauty of it,
you see, Mr Muffin.

Muffet.

A fellow can spend his
lifetime trying to find

the right girl. This machine
does it in minutes.

Shall we see who the
lucky lady is, then?

There's been a slight
technical error here.

This one is definitely
out of circulation.

What's the idea? Why her?

Why not? She's one of our clients.

I know that, but she's no good.

You seem to find her
very satisfactory.

All right. You've had your little
joke. Let's have another one.

You seem to forget, Sidney,
dear, I didn't choose her,

it was chosen by that miracle
of modern technology.

Or perhaps you'd
like me to explain

to our clients how it works.

No, no, no.

We don't need you... darling.

I want to see that the gentleman's
fixed up properly, dear.

It's a pity about that,
Mr Muffin, a great pity.

Oh, has your computer gone wrong?

No, it's been too accurate.

This lady's hobby is not
compatible with yours.

Oh, but how?

Well, she likes to make Christmas

decorations out of
milk bottle tops.

That could lead to
fights every morning

about who's going to have the top.

I'm sure we wouldn't.

It would bring your aircraft
production to a standstill.

Oh, nonsense, sweetheart. I
think it's a lovely idea.

Can't you just imagine
these two young people

sitting in front of a
fire every evening,

doing things with their tops?

I'm quite ready to have a go
at it if she is, Mr Bliss.

She's ready all right, mate...
to have a go, I mean.

Don't be a spoilsport, Sidney.

Her number's on the
card. Let me call it.

I'll do it...

darling.

That's it. Now, hold it.

Oh, excuse me one
moment, will you?

Esme Crowfoot speaking.
Can I help you?

Oh, this is Mr Bliss of
the Wedded Bliss Agency.

You've got a nerve
calling me after the

way you behaved last
night, I must say.

Yes, and I'm very sorry if I
bothered you, Miss Crowfoot.

The fact is we have
a young gentleman

here who's very
anxious to meet you.

Well, if he's anything
like you, I don't

think I care to meet
him, thank you.

She's all excited about it.

I don't know what you think
I am, or expect me to do,

but it'll take more
than a dozen tired

daffodils to do it,
I can assure you.

That's nice of you to say so. We
do our best to give satisfaction.

How about this evening?

- Yes, that's fine with Mr Muffin.
- Muffet.

How about the Parkway Cocktail
Bar, 7:30 this evening?

Lovely. Fine. Yes,
not at all. It's

a pleasure. You're very welcome.

That's that, then.

Two guineas registration,
two guineas for the

introduction. That's
four guineas altogether.

I'll give you one
of our introductory

cards, so that she knows
you come from us.

Oh, yes, thank you.

And you might like
to have our little

booklet, giving a few
tips on courtship,

a sort of Do-It-Yourselves.

- I beg your pardon?
- Never mind. There we are.

Thank you.

Oh, yes, thank you very much.
That's very nice of you.

The Wit To Woo by Sidney
Bliss. Interesting.

Yes, well, that's all, then.

And the very, very best of
luck to you, Mr Muffet.

Er, Muffin. Erm...

Was there something else?

Just my change. I gave
you a five pound note.

That's right.

There's two guineas
registration, two for the

introduction and 16
bob for the booklet.

Oh. Oh, yes.

I... Yes. Oh, thank you.

Yes. Not at all. There we are.

Don't forget. Parkway
Cocktail Bar, 7:30. Ta-ta.

Sophie. Sophie.

Now, cut it out, Sophie.

Well, Henry, you heard
Mr Snooper's advice.

Do you think we should try it?

If you want to, Emily,
but personally I don't

think a pair of steps is
going to be the answer.

If I'm to help you sort
out your problems,

I must insist on absolute candour.

Do not be afraid to use natural
words for natural functions.

You won't easily shock
me, I can promise you.

So, let's have all
the dirty linen out

and give it a jolly good washing?

Now, who's going to be
first? You, Mrs Dreery?

Well, really, I suppose the
trouble is we just can't get on.

Now, let's try to be more precise.
Get on... what? A horse? A bus?

Oh, no. You know. Well, we just
seem to have rows all the time.

Ah, rows, yes. About
what, precisely?

Oh, everything. Like
the way he went on

about that fireside
chair I got him.

I think so, an' all. Look at it.

It must've been made
for a bloody midget.

I couldn't get half my arse on it.

Hardly the cause for
a row, Mr Dreery.

You must learn to turn the other
cheek, in a manner of speaking.

I didn't come here for a
laugh, you know, mate.

I can stay at home and
look at her for that.

Yes, well, there's
usually some deeper,

underlying cause for
stress in these cases.

Of course there is.

Let's face it. You see, our
problem is about our... sex.

You shouldn't have
any trouble in that

direction. After all,
you're one of each.

Some people are far
worse off, you know.

Are you trying to be funny, mate?

No, no. Certainly not.

You don't seem to get
the point, mate.

You see, the trouble
with my wife is...

she won't have...

relations.

Oh, I think that's
hardly fair, Mrs Dreery.

After all, it's perfectly
normal to entertain

members of the family
from time to time.

No, no, no, no, no.

She won't have...

intercourse.

What? Well, you must
chat about something.

What he's trying to say
is that we never have it.

That intimacy never
takes place between us.

Ah, I see. Well, of
course, you should

have mentioned that
in the first place.

Obviously, that's the basic
root of the problem.

Yes. Well, of course.

It naturally follows that everyone

should lead a
well-balanced sex life.

That's the trouble: it
isn't well balanced.

He's five stone heavier than me.

Mm. Yes. Oh.

I see. Yes, I can understand the

position you've been
put on... put in.

Stone the crows. What's
he talking about?

But don't you see? At the
moment, you are a dead weight.

And you're a bloody dead loss.

Don't talk to me like that.

Here I am, trying to help you...

Help me? You couldn't help a
dog find a bloody lamppost.

How dare you.

You come here using
ridiculous words

like "relations" and "intercourse"

without having the slightest
idea what they mean.

I don't know what they mean?
You're round the bleeding twist.

That's it. Get out of my
office, do you hear? Get out.

We're getting out.
Don't worry, mate.

Mr Snooper, I must ask you
to keep your voice down.

You can be heard all
over the building.

I'm sorry. I was trying to give
this wretched couple some advice.

Advice? You couldn't advise a

constipated cow to
take a laxative.

Sir, sir, if you and your wife
would care to wait outside,

I'll see you in a moment.

Snooper, these incidents are
happening far too often.

Well, I'm really very,
very sorry, sir.

It's not all your fault. I
shouldn't have employed

a bachelor to give advice
to married couples.

But I know all about
married couples. My

father and mother
were one, you know.

I'm delighted to hear it,
but it's not good enough.

Unless you're prepared
to get married,

we'll have to dispense
with your services.

- Is that understood?
- But I'm a confirmed bachelor.

I don't know any women.

Then find one. Go to a
matrimonial agency or something.

But do it. Soon.

Married? It'll disrupt
my entire life.

Well, that's all right, then.

Age, habits, hobbies,
likes, dislikes.

Now, did you say you'd
been married before?

That's right. Twice.

Are your wives dead?

That's right.

I see.

The first wife died
from eating mushrooms.

Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that.

So was she.

The second wife died
from a fractured skull.

A fractured skull?
How did that happen?

Wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

Wouldn't eat the mu...

Thank you, Dr Crippen. Don't
call us, we'll call you.

Thank you.

You must be joking.

Oh, good afternoon. The
Wedded Bliss Agency sent me.

Mr Philpot?

That's right. I'm supposed
to meet a Miss Jenny Grubb.

You wouldn't be?

Jenny is my daughter.

Oh, thank goodness... Er, thank

goodness I've come
to the right place.

That remains to be seen.

Thank you very much.

Jenny is in here, Mr
Philpot, having tea.

You haven't had it, have you?

Oh, no. No, this is the
first time we've met.

- Tea, Mr Philpot.
- Oh, I'm sorry. No, I haven't.

Good afternoon.

Nice day.

This is Mr Philpot, who
wishes to marry Jenny.

I say, steady on.
I mean, give us a

chance to get to know
each other first.

See how we hit it off?

Mr Philpot, you may as well
understand here and now

that there will be no question of
"hitting it off" before marriage.

No, I just didn't want you
to get the wrong idea.

I only went to the
agency for a bit of fun.

If it's fun you want, I fear
you've come to the wrong place.

Yes, I can see that.

Well, you may as well meet
Jenny now that you're here.

Oh, thanks. Well, nice
to have met you all.

She's here, Mr Philpot.

This is Jenny.

How do you do, Jenny?

No physical contact yet, please.

Jenny, get Mr Philpot some tea.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I beg your pardon.

Ow.

Thank you.

Well, this is jolly nice.

- Sugar?
- What?

- Sugar?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I beg your pardon. It slipped.

Sorry.

Oh.

- Mr Philpot?
- Yes.

Would you mind resuming your seat
before you wreck the entire house?

Yes, I'm so sorry.

Ah.

I seem to have... done
one of your saucers in.

No matter. It's only Crown Derby.

- Oh, that's all right, then.
- Jenny.

Please get Mr Philpot
some more tea.

You must think I'm awfully clumsy.

Yes, but we will overlook
your more obvious

shortcomings and get down
to practical matters.

Regarding the period
of courtship...

Yes?

You'll be permitted to
see Jenny once a week,

in company of myself, of course,
and other members of the family.

You mean, I wouldn't be
able to see her alone?

Oh, I don't think
that'd be at all wise.

Jenny has led a very
sheltered life and

has had little or no
experience of men.

Really?

- I have done it.
- I beg your pardon?

- Put it in.
- Oh.

- The sugar.
- Ah.

And what is your financial
status, Mr Philpot?

Excuse me. Actually,
I have a private

income of about L#3,000 a year.

Is that all?

Well, it's enough.

Not enough to run a big
house of this size.

There's myself, you see, and other

members of the family
to provide for.

We don't live extravagantly,
but we do like to live well.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Just supposing I was mug
enough to marry her, do

you really think I'd live
here? With this lot?

Naturally.

We have always been and we intend
to remain one big, happy family.

Oh, no, I'm afraid it
just wouldn't work out.

They'd never fit in with
the way I like to live.

All-night parties. Strip
poker. Pot-smoking.

No, I'm afraid not.

I'll say goodbye and
thank you for the tea.

Bye.

I like him.

Wedded Bliss Agency.
Let us bring a

little happiness into your life.

Oh, hello, Mr Philpot. How
was the introduction?

Yes, I'm sorry she wasn't quite
what you were looking for.

I can't vet them all personally.
I never even saw Miss Grubb.

Her mother did what?

Well, yes, yes, and I
sympathise, Mr Philpot.

Hang on, hang on a
minute, will you?

Maybe I can put you onto something
a little more amenable.

Er...

Oh, yes.

We have Miss Adams
here. Now, there's

an absolute cracker for you.

Just the job for you,
and she can cook, too.

Yes? Right.

The phone number is
663404271, right?

Not at all, Mr
Philpot. We aim to see

that all our clients
get satisfaction.

And you.

Esme Crowfoot. You've got to do
something about that, Sidney.

Sophie, darling,
I've been thinking.

Well?

About me fixing it up
for that young Muffin

fellow to meet Miss
Crowfoot. It's all wrong.

I don't like the sound of
this. What are you up to?

Nothing. I phoned her
up and cancelled it.

And what happens when he goes down
to the bar to meet her at 7:30?

Oh, I'd forgotten about
that. That's a nuisance.

I'll have to go down
myself and explain.

Oh, that's a good idea.
Yes. I'll come, too.

Why not? Oh, wait a
minute. You can't. We've

got that Snooper
fellow coming at 8:00.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll go
down and explain to Mr Muffet.

You stay here and see Mr Snooper.

Oh, no, that wouldn't
be fair, would it?

I got him into this mess, it's
up to me to get him out of it.

I've got a few calls to make on
the way. I'll be seeing you.

When will you be seeing me?

Sidney Bliss.

I'll fix you, Sidney Bliss.

Oh, hello. Of course I
remember you, Mrs Bliss.

Yes, we last met at that wedding
when I guarded the presents.

Yes, it was a pity about that.

No, they never did
find the bride again.

Such a nice girl, too.

Well, I rang you, Mr Bedsop,
because I want someone followed.

Mr Bliss, actually.

My husband, yes, that's right.

Oh, well, if you'll
describe him for me.

Rotten,

cheating,

lying ba...

No. No, Mrs Bliss, a physical
description, if you please.

Yes. Yes.

The general appearance of an
ancient and dissipated walnut.

And what's more, I
can tell you where

he'll be at 7:30 this evening.

At the Parkway Hotel Cocktail Bar.

Right. You leave it
to me, Mrs Bliss.

Check. Roger, over and out.

No filming tonight, then, Sally?

No, worst luck. I have to meet a

photographer from the
publicity agency here.

Some more pin, ups?

That's it. Sally
Martin, unknown star

of stage, screen and television,

pictured in her home,
with everything

about her but her clothes.

How do you do? Meeting
you is the most

exciting moment of my
life, straight up.

Excuse me... but I'm
from the agency.

Oh, yes. Hello.

Hello.

Well?

Muffet. Bertram Muffet.

Oh. How do you do, Mr Muffet?

Fine, thank you.

It's the most exciting moment of
my life meeting you straight up.

Really?

Oh, well, er, it's nice to meet
someone who knows who I am.

They told me at the
agency, you see.

Don't go and spoil it.

I wonder if you would
do me a pleasure?

What?

The pleasure of having
a meal somewhere.

Oh. Well, it's really
very sweet of you,

but it's not really
necessary, you know.

Isn't it?

No.

Look, I don't have a lot
of time, so let's go

straight back to my place
and get down to it?

Some blokes have all the luck.

Excuse me. Have you had a fellow
in here looking for a woman?

We never get any other kind.

Don't mess about.
Small, skinny fellow.

- A bit dopey-looking.
- Bertram Muffet?

- He left with Miss Martin.
- Martin?

Sally Martin.

Oh.

She's taken him back to her
place... to get down to it.

Pardon?

- That's what she said.
- Did she?

And I called him a dope.

Well, this is it.

I share with another
girl, but you don't

have to worry. She's
working this evening.

Ooh, it's very nice.
Very nice, indeed.

Well, anyway, it's better
than Regents Park.

Regents Park?

Yes. That's where I did it last

time. On the bridge
over the canal.

- Really?
- Mm.

It was awful. Freezing cold. And
people kept stopping to watch.

I'm not surprised.

I suppose so.

Still, it's annoying.

Now, that's my
bedroom, and through

there's the kitchen
and the bathroom.

You'll want to go in
there, won't you?

Oh, no, thanks. Not
just at the moment.

Please yourself. Only most blokes
seem to want one in the bath.

In the bath? Certainly not.

Oh. Well, I've got this big
sponge, you see, and a loofah.

I'm sure you could do
something with that.

No, thank you.

Ok. Ok. You're doing it. Now,
where would you like to start?

Well, really, I'm
quite happy in here.

Fine. Well, you get
all ready, then, and

I'll go and get out
of these clothes.

No, no, no, don't. I mean,
there's no hurry, is there?

- Well, I haven't got all night.
- Well, I don't want all night.

I mean...

Well, you look absolutely
lovely as you are.

In this? You must be joking.

No, really. I like it.

Well, it's very
sweet of you to say

so, but let's be
sensible about this.

I mean, I'm not crazy about
stripping off, believe

me, but it's what
people want these days.

So, I say, if they want
it, let 'em have it.

Ooh.

Oi. What do you
think you're doing?

Hey, come back here.

And just what are you
playing about at?

Everything's all right, Officer.
There's nothing wrong at all.

I was looking for a man
who I was following.

Really?

I think you'd better come with me.

I don't think you understand.

I was following a man.

He went in the cloakroom,
so I followed him.

Wh...

Ooh. If they get any
shorter, they'll

have two more cheeks to powder.

Taxi. Taxi.

Rogerham Mansions.

Watch it. Don't use language
like that to me, mate.

You deaf old twit.
Go to that address.

Quick as you can.

Come back, you fool. Here.

Taxi.

Follow that cab.

Ok. I'm ready.

Well, you don't have
to look so worried.

I'll take this off as
soon as you're ready.

Do you like it? It's Orlon.

It looks more like
"all off" to me.

Where do you want me?

Well, I really don't mind.

Well, you say, you're the expert.

How about on the bed?

No.

Well, where, then?

Well, I mean, couldn't we
just sit and talk for a bit?

Sit and talk? What about?

Anything. I mean, I just didn't

expect things to
happen so quickly.

Just a minute.

Is this the first time
you've ever done this?

Yes.

Oh, no. Don't say they've
sent me a learner.

But I know what to do. I mean,
I've read books and things.

Oh, well. I suppose
everybody's got

to start sometime, haven't they?

So, let's give it a try?

I only bought this
outfit this morning.

I hope it shows enough.

Oh, yes, plenty.

Well, if it doesn't,
just yell out.

Now, how about lying on
the rug to start with?

Throw me a cushion, can you?

That's it.

How's that?

Wonderful.

Well, come on, then. Where is it?

Where's what?

Your camera.

Oh, but I haven't got one.

What? What's that in your case?

Oh, that's my model aeroplanes.

Your what?

Model aeroplanes. I thought
you'd like to see them.

Why would I want to see
your model aeroplanes?

Well, they told me at the
agency that you make

Christmas decorations out
of milk bottle tops.

That's what I make these with.

Christmas decorations out
of milk bottle tops?

Right. I've never done
that. It must be fun.

Oh, yes, yes. It's really great
fun. You really must try it.

But just who at the agency
told you all this about me?

The chap who runs it.
Mr Bliss. This one.

The Wedded Bliss Agency.

This is to introduce
Mr Bertram Muffin.

- Yes, it should be Muffet.
- You're not a photographer?

Oh, dear me, no. I'm an
undertaker's assistant.

An undertaker's... Oh.

Oh, look, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr Muffin...

- Muffet.
- But there's been a mistake.

I think you've met
the wrong person.

You are Miss Crowfoot, aren't you?

No.

You see, I was going to meet
a man from the photo agency,

and when you said you
were from the agency,

I naturally thought
that it was you.

Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. But
when I saw you, I thought...

Oh, what an idiot
I've been. Excuse me.

You don't have to go.
It wasn't your fault.

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Wait a minute.

All right?

Well, that's it. Can't
go any further.

Not without getting arrested.

You. I said I never
wanted to see you again.

Help me. Help me.

What's happened to
you? You're all wet.

I'm sorry, I didn't know
anybody else I could turn to.

What have you been
doing? Come on inside.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're soaking. What
have you been doing?

I couldn't help it. I
just couldn't face

going through life any
more without you.

What do you mean?

I tried to drown myself.

Where? What in?

The canal.

Canal? What canal?

What does it matter what canal?

They've all got
water, haven't they?

Well, that was a
silly thing to do.

Those canals are filthy dirty.

Who cares about that when
you're going to drown?

Why didn't you drown?

I forgot I could swim.

Come on. Get those wet things off
before you catch your death.

Fancy. No one's ever
tried to do away

with themselves
because of me before.

I'm flattered.

You should be. This
suit cost me 30 quid.

I didn't really mean
it, Sidney, you know,

about not wanting
to see you again.

Thank you. I don't want much,
just to worship at your feet.

I've got better bits.

I'll put this by the fire.
Have you wet your trousers?

Oh.

Oh, yes. Well, I mean, I went in

feet first, didn't
I? And my shirt.

Then, we'd better have
it off, hadn't we?

You took the thought
right out of my mind.

- Mr Snooper, is it?
- That is correct.

Oh, do come in. I'm
sorry Mr Bliss can't

be here. I'm Mrs
Bliss. Do sit down.

- Oh, thank you.
- That's it.

You don't mind discussing your
problems with a woman, I hope?

Oh, no, not at all. My mother
was a woman, you know.

Really?

I hope you don't mind my
coming so late, but I

wanted to wait till
everyone had gone home,

and the streets were clear.

I wouldn't like to be seen
coming here, you understand?

Oh, you don't have
to be embarrassed

coming to a marriage
bureau, Mr Snooper.

The mating instinct
is in all of us.

Everybody's doing it these days.

I know. I have to spend half my
time listening to how they do it.

I beg your pardon?

I am a marriage guidance
counsellor, Mrs Bliss,

and my superior feels it would be
advantageous if I were married.

Oh, I understand.

Though, I must confess,
I find it difficult

to believe that
anyone as... cultured

and distinguished-looking
as yourself would

have any difficulty
in finding a wife.

That is very true,
of course, and up

till now, I've had
no need for one.

Miss Dempsey, my housekeeper,
caters for my every need...

about the house, of course.

Cooking, cleaning and scrubbing.
She does all the scrubbing.

So, what you really want is a wife
who can satisfy your superior.

Good gracious, no.
He has his own wife.

Yes, of course.

Well, I'm quite sure that we'll
find someone suitable for you.

A woman with charm and
intelligence who can grace

your table and run your
house efficiently.

Yes. And bring me a
cup of tea in bed.

Oh, of course.

I always fancy it in the
mornings, you know.

Really?

Oh, yes. Gets the system going.
I am a man of regular habits.

Once a week, I dine at my club.

Once a week, I play squash.

Once a week, bridge, and so
on. Everything in moderation.

Yes, of course. Well,
I think once a

week is enough for
anything, don't you?

Precisely.

Well, I'm sure that we'll be
able to find someone suitable.

And being a virile man, of course
you would like to have a child.

Oh, no. A fully-grown
woman, I think.

Excuse me, I'd like to
use the phone, if I may.

I'm awfully sorry to disturb
you, but this is important.

Oh. Oh, I'm awfully
sorry to trouble you,

but would you have a sixpence for
two threepenny bits, please?

By any chance?

Oh. Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, here's your
receipt, Mr Snooper,

and we'll be getting
in touch with you

very soon regarding
an introduction.

Thank you very much.
And I must let you get

home now. You're
looking rather tired.

Well, it is a long day and Mr
Bliss and I are always at it.

Well, as long as it's
not through overwork.

Wedded Bliss Agency. Mrs Bliss.

Ah, Mr Muffet.

Oh, hello. Mrs Bliss, I'm afraid
there's been a bit of a mix-up.

I seem to have met
the wrong girl. Yes.

No, I got the right
place and time,

but there was this
girl who thought I was

someone else and I
thought it was her.

And we didn't find out her
mistake... I mean, my

mistake, until she got
most of her clothes off.

But I don't understand
this, Mr Muffet.

Didn't Mr Bliss meet
you at the bar?

No? Are you sure?

I see.

Oh, yes, I think I know
what he's doing, Mr Muffet.

Look, you still want to meet
Miss Crowfoot, I take it?

Good.

Why don't you go to her flat?

Yes. I'll give you the address.

Rogerham Mansions,
yes. Dunham Road.

Right. Yes, and thank you. Yes,
thank you, Mrs Bliss. Goodbye.

Esme. Esme.

- Are you feeling better now?
- No.

But I might if I didn't have
to keep looking at that thing.

Oh, don't you think
he's rather gorgeous?

- Gorgeous?
- That's Gripper.

Griper would be more like it.

Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.

Get away. I thought it
was a ballet dancer.

Well, he and I had
quite a thing once.

I don't know what it was, but
he had quite a hold on me.

Probably the Indian death lock.

Then he had to go to America and
I haven't heard from him since.

Obviously the same as me,
all-out for a submission.

Now, don't start that
nonsense all over again.

Nonsense? Haven't
you heard? That's

what makes the world go round.

I've done my share of
keeping it going in the

past, now I'll let
someone else have a go.

- Me, for instance. Come here.
- No, Sidney, don't.

Sidney, you mustn't.
Not in your condition.

Right now I couldn't be
in a better condition.

No, Sidney.

Oh, come on, darling. I'm not just
on the make, I really fancy you.

No.

Oh, blimey, why not?

Because I am keeping myself.

That's all right. I
don't want to keep you.

I mean, for the man I marry.

- You're making a big mistake.
- Why?

- It's like a car, isn't it?
- What is?

You lay it up for a
few years, suddenly

you want to use it
and it's rusted up.

True.

But if it has a regular
service... no trouble.

Look, it's not that I don't
want to, Sid, but...

Yes?

- Who can that be?
- Never mind. Don't answer it.

- I have to. It might be business.
- What do you think this is?

I'll get rid of them
as quick as I can.

Pussycat.

Gripper. Oh.

Oh. When did you get back?

Just now. I had enough
of it over there.

Besides, I missed you too much.

I'm sure you did, Gripper. Oh, put

me down, please,
you're hurting me.

You're... Oh. Oh.

Oh... There.

Nobody can say Gripper
Burke don't fight fair.

No, no, no.

Oh, Esme, darling, I can't wait
to get started with you again.

I'm sure you can't, but
not tonight, please.

What? You haven't
found somebody else,

have you? Because you promised.

Oh, no, of course not, no.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Seconds out. Second round. Doing.

No, Gripper, please, no.

Hey.

No, Gripper. No, Gripper, please.

No, no, Gripper.

No. No.

Gotcha.

My favourite hold, remember? It
used to make you turn to jelly.

Yes, but I don't really feel like
turning to jelly tonight, Gripper.

That's all right.
We've got all night.

No, dear. I really
am awfully tired.

Oh, all right, then.

There. That's better.

Here, let me tell you about
my last fight in the States.

Man Mountain Dawson they call him.

Man Mountain? More
like Ant Heap, he was.

He couldn't have wrestled
with his blooming conscience.

Anyway, in the first
round, he comes out

roaring and bellowing
like some animal...

It sounds fascinating,
Gripper, go on.

Here, those are men's clothes.

- You've got a bloke here.
- No, of course not, Gripper.

Where is he? I'll kill
him. I'll tear him apart.

See? I told you there
was no one here.

Do you think I'm
daft or something?

Yes.

No, no, no. I mean, no.

Tell me, then. What were
those clothes doing here?

I was just drying
them off for someone.

Yeah? Well, he'd better
not come back while

I'm here, or he'll find
me waiting for him.

Oh, no.

Honest, Gripper, I
haven't seen any

other men since you went away.

- Honest?
- Yes, really.

Good evening. This is Miss
Crowfoot's flat, isn't it?

Yeah. What about it?

Well, they said if I was to come
here, it would be all right.

Oh, they did, did they?

Yes, Mr Bliss said that she'd
be just what I was looking for.

Oh.

Well, you'd better
come in, hadn't you?

Thank you.

Hello. I'm from the agency.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You're from the
agency, did you say?

Yes, that's right. Muffet's
the name. Bertram Muffet.

- Gripper. What are you doing?
- I'll kill him.

Aaaah.

Good night, Esme.

Hello, is that the
Wedded Bliss Agency?

Good. I was trying to
trace a Mr Bertram

Muffet. A client of
yours, I believe.

Yes.

What?

What's he doing in a hospital?

What?

Look, darling, I love
you, I adore you

and you're my very
favourite model,

- but not for this particular job.
- Why not?

No bristols. You're flat-chested.

Adrian, please.

- What do you mean, flat-chested?
- Well...

Sally, did you hear him? Am
I flat-chested? Am I, now?

I don't know. Turn around
and let's have a look.

Oh, ha-ha.

You've never worried
about it before.

Look, I have told you, for this

particular job, they
want watermelons.

All right. Go and find
someone else. I don't care.

I wish I could. That's why I
asked you if you knew somebody.

You think I'd tell you?
Find your own watermelons.

Look, darling, I love
you, but if I can't

find any watermelons,
I'm out of business.

Hello. Are you still there?

I'm sorry. I was interrupted.

Could you tell me which
hospital he's in?

Oh, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, excuse me, but I saw an advert
for someone to share a flat.

Oh, yes. Come in.

Thank you.

There's two of us here at the
moment, but we could use a third.

It'll be about L#5 a
week each. All right?

Oh, yes. At least it will be as
soon as I can get another job.

Oh, what do you do, then?

Well, I was a stuffer.

I beg your pardon?

Oh. For sausage meat.

In a sausage factory.

Oh, yes.

You know, putting it in.

Why did you give it up?

Well, it wasn't a
very interesting job.

Besides, I wanted to
get away from home.

I'm sure you'll find
something else.

Would you like to
see round the flat?

I've got to go. If I don't find
a girl, I'll lose this job.

I wish I were dead.

- Er, this is Adrian.
- Oh, how do you do?

Darling girl, where did
you come from? Heaven?

No. Fulham.

Fulham. Wonderful,
beautiful Fulham.

What does he mean?

Oh, darling, let me rest my mince
pies. Phwoar, they are... great.

- Knockout.
- What?

They are all yours, I take it?

Oh, don't be a fool, Adrian.

Oh, yeah, of course.
They must be. All

right, darling. Get your gear off.

What?

Your clothes. I want to
have a butcher's at you.

Who do you think I am?

Adrian, for heaven's sake, stop.
She isn't a model, you know.

Really? Well, what do
you do, then, darling?

I shouldn't tell him
that if I was you.

As a matter of fact, she's not
working at anything at the moment.

Oh?

Well, you are now,
my darling. Phwoar.

Here, I never quite
gathered, mate, but

what's supposed to
be wrong with you?

Me?

Oh, nothing at all. Why?

There must be something wrong.

No, I'm fine.

He's over there.

Oh, thanks. I promise I'll
only be a few minutes.

Oh.

Oh, I say, I'm awfully
sorry. I didn't see you...

Gosh. You.

Yes.

Well, nobody can accuse us of
having dull meetings, can they?

But how did you get here?

Well, you left your
card that night

and they told me where you were.

Oh, I see.

Oh. Excuse me.

I came because I wanted
to apologise for

what happened in the
flat that night.

You? But I'm the one
who should apologise.

I behaved like an absolute clot.

No, it was really all my fault.
If I'd known who you were...

Oh, nonsense.

Anyway, nothing did
happen, did it?

No. But what must you
have thought of me,

taking all my clothes
off like that.

Well, I can tell you now,
I did feel a bit shaky.

Especially when you asked
me where I wanted you.

And you should have seen
your face when I laid

down on the rug and told
you to get on with it.

And I turned and bolted.

Well, er...

I just wanted to say sorry.

I'll have to go now.

Oh, no, look, wait.
Look, I get out of

here tomorrow. Could
I see you again?

Well, if you really want to.

Oh, rather. I'd like to
see a lot more of you.

Oh, well, there isn't much
you haven't already seen.

No, I don't mean that.

No, I know.

Well, if you'd like to
give me a call sometime...

- Yes, soon as I get out.
- Fine.

Bye for now, then.

- Oh.
- Yes?

Don't think I'm being
nosy, but there

is one thing I just have to know.

I haven't got a
girl, if that's it.

No, but do you really make model

aeroplanes out of
milk bottle tops?

Yes.

Oh. Good. Well, I'll start
saving mine for you, then.

Bye.

Aeroplanes out of
milk bottle tops?

Look, mate, I couldn't
help hearing, but

is it really right,
all that stuff?

What?

Well, you know, her stripping off
and laying on the rug and that?

Oh, yes.

- And you turned and ran?
- Yes.

Blimey. And you say there's
nothing wrong with you.

And the next, please.

Why, Mrs Bliss. What a pleasant
surprise. Do come in. Sit down.

Thank you.

Well, what brings you here
and what can I do for you?

Not a marital problem, I trust?

Well, hardly, Mr Snooper.
You see, I'm not married.

Yes, well, of course,
that would be...

What? You mean, you and Mr
Bliss are living in sin?

Well, not that either,
unfortunately.

I don't understand.

For business reasons,
he thought it would be

better if we appeared
to be husband and wife.

Of course, we always
had an understanding

that one day we would marry.

At least, I had an understanding.

How long has this been going on?

- Ten years.
- Oh, how terrible.

Oh, my dear Mrs Bliss.

Miss Plummet, actually.

Miss Plummet, oh.

How nice.

And you would like me
to talk to Mr Bliss?

Oh, no. I'd never marry him now.

No, really, I came
to talk about us...

About us?

Yes, you see, I've
been studying your

case very carefully, Mr Snooper.

And frankly, I feel
that I am the only one

who comes anywhere near satisfying
your requirements for a wife.

Oh, well, I don't know
about that. I'd have to...

Oh, please, listen
to me, Mr Snooper.

I'm sure you'll agree that I'm not
one of your flighty young women.

Oh, no. No, not at all.

So, as far as sex
is concerned, I'd

like to make my
position quite clear.

Yes, well, the position is
half the battle, isn't it?

Yes.

As your wife, I would run
your home efficiently,

I would preside over
your table gracefully,

and await any further
demands... hopefully.

Well, that is a most generous
offer, Miss Plummet.

I promise you, Mr Snooper, you'll
find me generous in all things.

Yes, well, I'd like a
little time to think

about it, of course,
you understand.

Of course.

I've been a bachelor for so long,

I can't help wondering whether I'd
be very satisfying as a husband.

- You know...
- I know.

On the other hand,
with you, I can't help

feeling there's a
chance it might work.

Well, don't worry. If it didn't,
we could always adopt a child.

What do you mean, you're not
coming into the office any more?

But, Sophie, I need you here.

What? Oh, that's nice, after
all I've done for you.

Now, listen. So...

Sophie.

What's the matter with
her? What have I done?

Mr Philpot, what can I do for you?

You can give me my money
back. Every ruddy penny.

- Why? What's up?
- What's up?

First of all, you
sent me to see a girl

called Jenny Grubb.
How about that?

Yeah, how about that?
I never tried it.

A mouse. I've got more
sex in my little finger.

If that weren't bad enough, you
put me onto that Miss Adams.

"An absolute cracker," you said.

That's true. I vetted
her personally.

- "A good cook," you said.
- Yes, that's right.

She had something
cooking... in the oven.

In the oven?

Yeah, by my reckoning, for about
five months, at regular ten.

Oh, my gawd.

It's all right. I'm in the clear.

You won't be if I don't
get my money back.

Wait a minute.
Mistakes can happen.

I'll tell you what,
I've got another one

here for you. Her
name's Esme Crowfoot...

No. You know what you can
do with Esme Crowfoot.

I don't, but if you'd
care to find out...

Give me back my money, or
I'm going to the police.

They'll never find you
anything any good.

Fraud. That's what
it is. Obtaining

money under false pretences.

Steady on. Why don't you
just come and sit down...

Excuse me. Come in.

Just give me my money back...

Oh. Excuse me.

Am I interrupting?

Not at all, miss. Can I help you?

I just popped in to say that you
could take my name off your list.

You? You're on our books?

Don't you remember me?

- No.
- Jenny.

- Jenny Grubb.
- Here, Jenny Grubb?

I came round to your place
for tea the other week.

Yes, and you weren't very
impressed, were you?

No... Yes, yes.

It's just that you were dressed
rather differently then.

My parents believe
in covering me up.

They're an old-fashioned
pair, you know.

Nonsense. They're a
beautifully-fashioned pair.

Just hang on a minute,

Mr Philpot, it's my client,
if you don't mind.

You want to come
off our list. Does

that mean you're fixed
up with someone?

Well, no, no one special. It's
just that I've got a job.

I'm a model. And a
new flat to live in,

so I thought I'd
have a bit of fun.

You couldn't have come
at a better time.

Let's go in the other
office and talk.

Oh, no, I can't do that. I've got
a modelling job in half an hour.

It's for a new kind of body

stocking and I can't
get out of it.

Come in here, I'll
get you out of it.

No, I must go.

Here, I've got the old jam jar
outside. Let me give you a lift.

Oh, that's very kind
of you. Thank you.

Come on, then.

You've forgotten something.
You wanted your money back.

Me? What would I
want my money back

for? You've done a
splendid job here.

Have I?

Splendid.

Grubb. Jenny Grubb.

Let's have a look at this.

Miss Jenny Grubb. Age: 24 years.

Hair: brownish. Eyes:
didn't notice.

Height: 5' 6". Never had any.

Oh, hobbies. Yeah, well,
that'll soon be changed.

Well, this is it.

- All right?
- Mm. Sexy.

Ooh, you. You'd say a
lumber room was sexy.

Only if I was rummaging
through your odds and ends.

Have you got in here again?

Come on out.

Oh, it's the porter's,
darned thing.

It's always sneaking in here.

Shoo, Cooking Fat, shoo.

- Cooking Fat?
- Yes.

They can't call it that, surely?

Well, that's what it sounds like.

Come and get comfy.

Here, are you sure your
flatmates won't be back?

No, not until after 11.

God, I really fancy you, Jenny.

And I liked you the
first time I met you.

Oh, let me get at you.

Oh, what the hell am I sitting on?

Urgh.

They're not yours, surely?

No, they're Gaye's. She
really is a flat mate.

Come here, you little raver.

Oh, steady on. There's
plenty of time.

And plenty of inclination.

Mm.

Oh, Terry, stop it.

- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for the zip.

- You've got a sauce.
- Well, where is the darned thing?

As if I'd tell you, anyway.

- It's on the other side.
- Ah.

- That's better.
- Ooh.

- What's the matter?
- You've got cold hands.

- Oh, Jenny...
- Oh, Terry...

Oh, sorry, Jenny, I didn't
know you were here.

I didn't know you were here.

Sally, this is my
night. Wednesday.

I know. It's all
right. I'm going out.

As soon as I find my
blue sweater, anyway.

Have you had it?

Not yet.

No, I have not had
your blue sweater,

and if you must go
on looking for it

in here, will you
put something on?

Oh, sorry.

But I've got to find it.

Oh, I know. I bet
Gaye's had it again.

Do you want me to close the door?

Yes, please.

Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.

Not at all. It's a
good job she wasn't

looking for her
pants... or was it?

- Oh, Terry...
- Oh, Jenny...

I found it.

Hooray.

Ooh, sorry. I won't
bother you any more.

Do you want me to close the door?

Yes.

Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.

Don't mention it.
Don't mention it.

You are sweet.

- Oh, Jenny...
- Oh, Terry...

Oh, blimey.

Men. I've had them up to here.

Oh, no.

Gaye, what are you doing here?

It is my flat, isn't it?

Yes, but it's Wednesday. My night.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I've
had another flaming row

with Adrian and I couldn't
stand him any longer.

Gaye, I've got a friend here.

Oh, well, you don't have to
worry. I'm going to bed.

I'm glad this is your night. I'd
hate to be here when it wasn't.

- Oh, Terry...
- Oh, Jenny...

Give me a number
between one and ten.

Seven.

You lose. Get your clothes off.

If that's Bertie, tell him I
won't be a minute, will you?

Do it yourself, I'm busy.

If that's Adrian, tell
him to go to hell.

Oh, I could scream.

Ow.

All right. Where is
she? Where is that cow?

Gaye's in her room and she
doesn't want to see you.

- Well, I want to see her.
- I'm trying to entertain.

Oh. How do you do?

Hello.

Open up, there. I
want to talk to you.

Adrian.

I'll break the door down.

- Adrian.
- What?

That is a cupboard.

Oh.

Sorry.

Open up. I want to talk to you.

Well, I don't want to talk to you.

I'll stay here all
night if I have to.

I had a nasty feeling he
was going to say that.

Well? What have you got to say?

Darling, you know I can't
exist without you.

You seem to be able to
exist with all those

other models you keep
messing about with.

Oh, they mean nothing
to me. You know that.

Oh, Terry.

Oh, good. Company.

Oh, I'm fed up with this. I
might as well be back home.

Yes?

Oh, hello, Jenny. Is Sally ready?

No. But do come in.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, hello.

Oh, I'm sorry if I'm barging in.
Do go on with what you were doing.

Chance'd be a fine thing.

Quite a nice evening.

Charming.

I thought it would rain earlier.

- Really?
- Yes.

Anyway, we'll probably
get it tonight.

We'll be bloody lucky
if we do, mate.

Hello, Bertie. Sorry to
have kept you waiting.

Oh, that's all right.

Well? What are we
going to do, then?

Well, if you'd like
to stop in and make

some aeroplanes, I've
brought some tops.

Er, no, I don't think
that would be a

very good idea. Not
tonight, Bertie.

All right. If that's the way
it's to be, I shall kill myself.

I will. I mean it.

Oh, no. No, Adrian, don't. Don't.

- Not in here.
- I shall shoot myself.

Go on. Shoot the lot, then
maybe we'll get some peace.

- Goodbye.
- Oh, stop him, somebody.

Oh, take cover.

Boo.

Aren't you getting tired
of following me about?

Excuse, gentle sir. Me no
spoking very good the English.

Oh, gawd. A Bombay Bond.

Ha-ha. Fooled him that time.

15:02.

Suspect left Cock Inn, Saloon Bar,
and proceeded back to office.

- Sophie, you're back.
- Only to clear my desk.

Come on. Surely you're not still

suspicious of Esme
Crowfoot and me?

I no longer care where you go,
or what you do, or to whom.

Oh, don't be like that. How about

dinner tonight? Just
like old times?

You mean, like old time?
And I paid the bill.

All right. So it's
my turn tonight.

No, thank you. Anyway, I'm having

dinner with Mr
Snooper at his home.

- Alone?
- Certainly.

I hope you've got
your tin drawers on.

Mr Snooper and I
are to be married.

Have you gone raving
mad? You don't

know anything about the bloke.

He's a gentleman.

I knew there was something
wrong with him.

Well, have you any alternative
suggestions as to my future?

- Yes, of course I have.
- Well?

Stay here with me. It's been
all right the last ten years.

Goodbye, Sidney.

Wait a minute, Sophie.
Don't leave me like that.

I'll be lost without you.
So will the business.

I need a woman. You know that.

Then I suggest you put
the details on the

appropriate card, and stick
it in your computer.

All right, go, then.

See if I care.

Marvellous. Give a
woman the best years

of your life and
look what happens.

Mr bleeding Snooper... Snooper.
What's he got, anyway?

Snooper, Percival. Percival. Cor
blimey, there's a good start.

Age 43, handsome, well-mannered,
sexually backward.

That's him all right. He doesn't
know whether he's coming or going.

Hobbies: reading, walking,
playing bridge, and poking...

around antique shops.

45 Bolstrode Avenue. Occupation:
marriage guidance counsellor.

Fancy. Well, I think
it's time I did

a bit of marriage guiding myself.

Hello, Esme.

Sidney? You've got a
nerve ringing me.

I was wondering if you could
do me a small favour, darling?

No, not that. Could
you meet me tonight?

I can't. You know
how jealous Gripper

gets. Even more so
now we're engaged.

Engaged? Congratulations.

You know I wouldn't
bother you unless

it was desperate. Go on, please.

Well, all right, but as long
as you promise to behave.

That's a good girl.
Meet me outside the

Parkway Hotel, eight
o'clock. Right?

And wear your sexiest see-through.

Whatever for?

Well, just because I can't touch,

doesn't mean I can't
look, does it?

All right. See you then. Ta-ta.

It's all right, Miss
Dempsey. I'll go.

This is the lady I was expecting.

Very good, sir.

Ah, Miss Plummet. How nice
to see you. Do come in.

This is Miss Dempsey, my
faithful, old housekeeper.

Oh, I'm so pleased to
meet you, Miss Dempsey.

Mr Snooper has told me how
well you look after him.

I've always done
my best, I'm sure.

Oh, a treasure. I'd
be lost without her.

Oh, well, I hope you'll stay on
after Percival and I are married,

Miss Dempsey.

Married? Oh.

What on earth's the
matter with her?

Oh, surely you know?
She's in love with you.

In love, with me?

Of course. You must have
felt it on occasions?

Certainly not. No. I've
never laid a finger on her.

Would you care for
a glass of sherry?

Throw me aside like an
old, worn, out slipper,

after all the years
I've slaved for him.

If I can't have him, nobody
else is, if I can prevent it.

Ah. Ah, I always knew it would
come in useful one day.

Ha-ha.

It's a delightful house, Percival.

I shall be very happy here.

Good. I think you'll like the
first-floor front as your bedroom.

You mean, we won't be
sleeping together, then?

Oh, good gracious, no,
my dear. Why on earth

should we with a house
as large as this?

Yes, but I think it's a wife's
duty to be close to her husband

for the warmth and
comfort it brings.

Oh, you don't want to worry about

that. I've got the
electric blanket.

Oh. How nice.

Besides, sharing a bed
together, we might

be tempted to indulge
in carnal pursuits.

Oh, rather. Yes.

And we don't want any of
that nonsense, do we?

Well, you're very
strong-willed, obviously,

but it's a temptation I would
find very hard to avoid.

Nonsense, my dear. Do as I do.

Plenty of exercise,
cold baths every

morning and a good dose
of salts at night.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Hang on a minute, I've just got to
make a quick call. Pay the cab.

Hello. Basher Street Gym here.

Ah.

Hold on. Gripper.

- It's for you.
- Oh. Excuse me.

Pleasure.

Hello. Gripper Burke here.

This is a friend.

I just thought you ought to know,

an oversexed nut by the
name of Snooper has

just lured your fiancee
into his house.

What? Where?

Bolstrode Avenue, 45.

And if I was you, I'd
get my skates on quick.

I think you'll find
this wine amusing.

That'll be Miss Dempsey
with the main course.

She always does something
special. Come in.

Miss Dempsey.

Miss Dempsey.

Yes, what is it,
love? I mean, sir.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'll have mine in
the kitchen, so you

two can be alone. It's only fair.

What do you mean? You
always eat in the kitchen.

Oh, yes, that's right. I
always eat in the kitchen.

Sorry, love.

Well, I'll be leaving
you now, then.

Oh, will you want your electric
blanket switched on tonight?

Of course I will. Why shouldn't I?

Well, we don't always
like it, do we?

I mean, do you. What have I said?

Miss Dempsey, what are
you talking about?

I'm sorry, I wouldn't like you to
get any ideas about me and Percy.

I mean, Mr Snooper.

He's always behaved
like the perfect

gent with me, except
when we, er...

Well, you know.

I'm sure he has.

What are you saying? I've always
been good to you, haven't I?

Oh, you have, love. I mean, sir.

He has, too. More
than good. Always

gives me a little
present afterwards.

After I've done something
especially nice for him.

Miss Dempsey.

Please.

I'd better go, before I say
something I shouldn't.

The woman's demented.

Sophia, surely you can't believe
there's anything in what she said.

Well, I realise Miss
Dempsey may be upset

by the announcement
of our marriage.

On the other hand, there's
no smoke without fire.

And you can't have a fire
without it being properly laid.

I mean...

- That should be about right.
- What should?

Never mind. You know
what you've got

to do. Lay it on good and thick.

Oh, Sid, I can't do it.

Is there a better way to show

Sophie you're not
interested in me?

Very well, but don't blame
me for what happens.

That's a good girl. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Very well. I'm willing
to accept that there has

been nothing between
you and Miss Dempsey.

She'll have to go, of course.

Go? But she's been here for years.

She has security and comfort here.
She'd never get it anywhere else.

Well, she's not getting
it here any more.

It's your choice,
Percival. Her or me.

Oh, very well, then.

Oh, that's settled, then.

Come in.

There's a woman here to see you.

A woman? What woman?

"Just tell him
Pussycat," she said,

"and he'll know who you mean."

Pussycat? I don't
know any Pussycats.

You'd better tell her. She's
waiting in the drawing room.

Oh, I don't understand. She
must have got the wrong house.

Excuse me.

Madam, I think there's
been some mistake.

Oh, Percival.

I'm sorry, my darling,
I just had to come.

I can't bear it any
longer without you.

Madam, please try to
control yourself.

How can you ask me
to control myself

after all we've been
to one another?

You who've never shown any
control where I'm concerned.

- What?
- I need you, Percival.

The nights have
been, oh, so empty.

I don't care how hard you beat me,

as long as you love
me occasionally.

Oh, madam, please
keep your voice down.

You can be heard halfway
through the house.

Look here, I don't know who
you are, or what you want...

Oh. What are you doing?

I want you to take me. I'm
yours. You know it. Take me.

But I don't want you.
Stop it. Stop it at once.

No, you've found someone else.
I know it. I can feel it.

- Well, stop feeling it.
- Oh.

Oh, Percival, how could
you desert me like this?

What's to become of
me and the baby?

The baby? What baby? I
don't know any babies.

I won't give you up, you
hear? I won't. You're mine.

You'll always be mine.

Help, Miss Dempsey.
Help, Miss Dempsey.

Ah.

Oh, no.

You. Esme Crowfoot.

You filthy, depraved beast.

No, Sophia, please, come back.

No, you don't need her, my
darling, you've got me.

Get off.

Get off me. You've no right.

Bingo.

Where is she? Where is she?

If you mean Pussycat, in there.

Ah, Gripper.

- What are you?
- You lousy swine. I'll kill you.

What are you doing?
You're all mad.

I'm mad, all right.

Take your hands off him,
you great bully, you.

Ow.

Why, Miss Dempsey.

Oh, ta.

Sophie, what happened?

Did you forget something?

No, I was just thinking
about what you were

saying yesterday and, of
course, you're right.

You can't run the
business without me.

I thought you were
getting married?

No.

Oh, oh.

Well, I'm very glad to hear it.

Fancy that? The old
firm back in business.

I think we ought to
celebrate. I'll nip

down to the off-licence
and get something.

Oh.

Lend us a couple...

Thank you.

- Oh.
- Hello.

Mr Bedsop.

What are you doing here?

Well, actually, I
thought it was time

I gave you a report on Mr Bliss.

Oh, you're not still
following him? Oh, I

am sorry, I should
have told you to stop.

Well, I think you'll find
it's all been worthwhile.

Particularly when you hear
whom he was with last night.

Oh, I'm sure it...

- Last night?
- Oh, yes.

He met a Miss Esme Crowfoot.

Really? Do go on, Mr Bedsop.

Sophie. Come and get it.

Here, look. How about
that? Champers.

- Oh, very nice. May I crack it?
- Yes, go on, go ahead.

Thank you.

What did you go and do that for?

You wretch. You rotten swine.

Don't think I don't
know you sent that poor

wretched woman into Mr
Snooper's last night.

Well... Well, what if I did?

I only did it cos I
don't want to lose you.

You've lost me now, for good.

No, wait, wait. I
want to marry you.

You want to what?

Marry you. Well, I mean,
that is, in time.

I don't want to rush
you into anything.

All right. All right.
Next week, then.

You heard that, Mr Bedsop?

I've got it down.

You won't regret it,
Sid, I promise you.

I know that, darling.

I'll tell you what, why
don't we have a booze-up

and invite all the couples
we've brought together?

Careful, that's going
to cost money.

So what?

I know a fellow in
catering and if we charge

them a guinea a head, we
might make a few bob.

Oh, I love you.

♪ DVORAK: Humoresque ♪

Ladies and gents, I
realise that our marriage

has come as a bit of
a shock to you all,

but I'd like you to know
that we are delighted

to have you share this
great day with us,

you happy couples that we've had
the pleasure of bringing together.

Just to look around
this room and see so

many contented,
ideally-matched couples

is reward in itself
for the trouble

we have been to on your behalf.

You, like Sophie and me,
have been dead lucky,

because you've had
the benefit of our

expert knowledge and
scientific advice.

So, I am not asking you
only to drink to our

health and happiness, but
to your own. Cheers.

♪ For He's A Jolly Good Fellow ♪

- Here, that's it.
- What are you on about now?

That suit he's wearing.

That was the one that was
drying in your flat that night.

Stop it, Gripper,
don't make a scene.

So, it was you. I'll
blooming well kill you.

What are you talking
about? He's gone potty.

Don't pay any attention
to him, Sophie.

I'll deal with you later.

Oh, you will, will you?

Don't you laugh at him,
you little squirt.

How dare you, you old bag.

Ow.

♪ Strauss waltz ♪

Keep 'em coming.

I'll tear you apart.