Original subtitles

So, she said the words, "You're fired"?

She said at the end of the season, I should look for a new job.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I told you this would happen.

What do you want from me? I took my shot, I missed.

I could have swore I hit her too. She Matrix-ed out of the way--

Ow! Did you hear that?

-I just popped my rib from the back. -No.

-You didn't hear? -No. I didn't hear anything.

-It just popped on the chair. I swear. -Okay, you're being dramatic.

What did Bobby always say the best deodorant was?

This is a trick question. He never wore the stuff.

He said the best deodorant was winning.

Nothing gets rid of the stench of failure like victory.

Yeah. Well, I hope it worked on failure 'cause it didn't work on Bobby.

I am literally your only friend left, so you might wanna watch the tone.

Okay, please let's not forget Ted from Bass Pro Shops.

Yeah. I went in for a fishing rod, came out with a soulmate.

Yeah. Texted me this morning.

Look at this here. "How you fixed for lures, buddy?"

"We got new Yeti coolers in, darling."

"Ted, from Bass Pro Shops."

Son of a bitch. He give you the employee discount?

Don't do this to yourself, Kevin.

I'm gonna get a beer. You want one?

-Yeah. Put it on my tab. -That was my plan the whole time.

Since you're paying, I'm gonna get a little something fancy from Europe.

-Excuse me. Excuse me! -Oh, that'll never work.

You gotta yell at the TV what you wanna say to the bartender.

Watch this.

Come on, man. Hurry up. Don't be an idiot, guy!

Come on! Let's go! Hey!

What's your problem?

No, no. Sorry. I was yelling at the TV. They're reviewing a play.

Oh, but while we've got you, I'll have a tequila, rocks.

A slice of lime if it's not good tequila.

-Get the lime. - Hmm.

Two Stella "Ar-toys" for me.

Hey, thank you. That was pretty brilliant. I might steal that.

Well, don't. It's patented. Unless you kick me some royalties.

-Well, why don't I buy you this round? -Uh…

What else you got? 'Cause the lady over there is already buying.

-Oh, your girlfriend's so cute. -What, her?

Oh, no, no, no. We, uh… We work together.

She has a sad little life.

I like to take her out, get her away from those cats.

What do you two do?

We're in the racing game, like everybody else here. You know?

-So, why? You a NASCAR fan? -I'm new to it.

Well, here's the first thing you should know. I'm kinda a big deal.

- Oh? -Yeah.

-Got my picture on the wall and stuff. -Really, where?

It's, uh, over there behind the punching machine.

They didn't wanna block it out of respect, but it was the only free outlet.

But if you press your cheek up against the wall, you can see it.

-I'm not gonna do that. -You don't have to.

It's kind of a weird look.

I wasn't ready for the shot, and it was one where I was staring--

They caught me bad. Anyway, so I was a driver for a while

and became a crew chief for Bobby Spencer Racing.

Oh. You guys just got a new sponsor.

That's pretty specific for someone who just got into the sport.

I'm with Fake Steak.

Ooh. Well, I hope you have to just sell it and not eat it.

I should probably introduce myself.

I'm Morgan Conrad. I own Fake Steak.

Which is awesome!

It's really okay. I mean, Fake Steak's good.

I mean, unless you've tasted actual steak, then--

-Right? -Don't tell anyone I said that.

-Your secret is safe with me. -Good.

Although it's not a secret that

Fake Steak tastes like a Big Mac if it was dropped in a fish tank.

-I think that was too far. -Yeah. I felt it when I was saying it.

Don't know why I did that. Good seeing you.

Good to see you. I'm actually gonna tour the place tomorrow.

Yeah. Hey, by the way, if you wanna join us, you know,

cat lady over there, she's paying.

She's gonna put it on the corporate card.

Actually, I guess you'd be paying, after all.

She needs to do this. She has hardly any friends.

One friend she's got from Bass Pro Shops, the salesman.

Yeah. It's pretty pathetic. Let's do this.

Morning.

Where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you.

Why haven't you been answering?

Because I had a concussion

and your voice sounds like a hamster wheel.

-Why'd you tell Kevin you'd be okay? -That voice is what I'm trying to avoid.

You need to tell Kevin you're not cleared to drive.

The problem with that is then I can't drive.

I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.

I can't keep secrets.

I have nervous follicles.

I tried to throw my wife a surprise party, and my hair started falling out in clumps.

-That's funny to you?

No, I just used to hang out at a bar called Clumps.

If Jessie gets my seat, I don't know if I'll ever get it back.

It's not worth it. You could get hurt out there.

I know the joke is that Jake's not too bright,

but I'm smart enough to know that I can drive.

Can you please just have my back on this? Promise me you won't say anything.

Fine, I won't.

Oh, great.

And we're taking the Christmas card photo next week.

I'm gonna look like one of those bald dogs that sits on a pillow and shakes.

-What's up? -Oh, hey, boss.

-What's the emergency? -No emergency.

You literally called me 15 times and texted me, "Emergency. Emergency."

"We need to talk. It is literally an emergency."

"Emergency." In all caps.

You remember the caps? "Emergency. Emergency."

Uh…

Right. Rocky II was on TNT, and I know how much you like it.

Then text that!

If it would've been One, you'd be fired. You'd be clearing out your locker.

You wanted to see me? You have anything you wanna talk about last night?

-No, you? -No.

Great.

I wanna let you know that the owner of Fake Steak is in town.

She's an old friend and mentor.

She'll be here at 10:00, so I'm hoping you can be professional.

Yeah. Morgan said it'll be closer to 11:30.

We were all out kinda late last night.

Hurt my shoulder moving the punching machine.

She was begging to see my picture. She's a good lady.

I'm sorry. Uh…

Morgan and you and-- What?

Beth and I ran into her at the Pit Stop, had some drinks, shot some pool.

Won a hundy, lost a hundy.

Thought she cheated me, but she didn't. She's just a shark.

I hope you didn't bring up any difficulties we may be having here.

I would've, but I'm incredibly professional,

so we just had a fun night.

-Did she say anything about me? -No. I said we had a fun night.

All right. Is the pedal length comfortable?

I'm reaching under full throttle, so maybe bring it a little closer.

Not too much, but, like, uh--

-How much in cookies? -A Nutter Butter and a Thin Mint.

Okay, that's five eighths of an inch. Got it.

-New seat too snug? -No. The gel mold's perfect.

It's cradling my tush like that nurse I met at Watkins Glen.

She was giving you stitches.

With one hand.

So we done here?

I actually have a couple more questions.

-Who's the vice president? -What's that gotta do with racing?

Let him answer.

Oh, wait, no, I know this. It's that lady from Seinfeld.

What's today's date?

I think today's date's Trina, but it could be Chelsea.

Are you easily confused? Know what? I'll skip that one.

What is this foolishness?

"Ten questions to determine… if you have a concussion."

-Amir! -I'm sorry. I'm worried about you.

You're not getting better and you shouldn't race.

He has a concussion. I can't be the sole keeper of this secret.

Let someone else lose their hair.

Of course.

That's why I'm picking hair out of the engine.

I was starting to think my goatee was lettin' go.

Look, it's nothing. I told you, I'm fine.

There's a little ringing in my head,

but, you know, I shake my head and it goes away.

All gone.

Unrelated, I'm just gonna lean on this car for a second.

We've gotta tell Kevin he can't drive.

Hey, Jake.

Are you good to drive?

All right. See that? He says he's good, he's good.

Back in the old days, if people broke a hand driving,

they just duct tape their hands to the steering wheel and keep going.

Man, I've seen people come out of a car looking like silver mummies.

Now, every little boo-boo, and they're riding the bench.

-Look here, I'm proud of you, Jake. -Much better. Thank you.

The haulers are loaded and on the road,

and I rerouted Phil's GPS to avoid all the Indian casinos.

Mmm. It's a sad disease.

-Fifty bucks says he blows his paycheck? -You're on.

Hey, Tequila and Lime Lady.

Hey, Stella Artois Says It Wrong Guy.

I felt like mine was nice. Yours, a little hurtful.

I know, it sounded so charming in my head. Just--

-Swing and a miss.

How long are you in town?

Probably about a week.

I'm gonna see where my money's going and check out the sites.

Well, your money is going right here,

and you've already seen the local highlight.

It is me.

You must be the 11th local highlight, because you weren't on the top ten.

It's a battle every year between me and the doll museum.

Oh. That sounds like a magnet for serial killers.

Thank you.

I was actually gonna see Billy Joel. I saw he was in town tonight.

Good luck getting tickets. He sold out in like a minute.

I tried to get 'em online, but I failed that "are you a human" test

like five times in a row.

Either I don't know what a crosswalk is or I'm a robot.

Well, if you're a fan,

I know a guy who could get us some tickets.

-Who? -Billy Joel.

Name dropper!

-If you're serious, I'd love to see him. -Yeah?

We can have dinner where I met you last night and then head over.

You just became my favorite sponsor ever.

Although the competition isn't tough.

The Pennzoil guy made me go to his son's bris.

-Know what that is? -I do.

-I didn't.

Okay, well, it's a date.

All right.

I like Billy Joel.

I'll get you a T-shirt.

-Morgan! -Hi.

I heard that you met Kevin--

And Beth.

-You ready for the tour? -Yep. Let's do it.

Okay. It was great talking to you again. Thank you so much for coming by.

-What is the matter with you? -What?

I said you'd get a T-shirt. I can't make her invite you.

You can't date our sponsor.

Beth, we're going to a concert. I do a lot of stuff with sponsors.

No, not women sponsors.

Oh, I see what's happening. Are you jealous?

Don't worry, you'll always be my special little pal.

-She was hitting on you. -You always think women are hitting on me.

I never think women are hitting on you.

Except for that girl at the Starbucks drive-thru,

and that's because she could only see you from the neck up.

The plan was to just do your job.

Going out with Catherine's mentor and our sponsor

is not just doing your job.

Okay, it's not a date. I'm not dumb enough to date a sponsor.

Oh, you are 100% dumb enough to do that.

And I know that because I just saw it happen.

She looked in your eyes, she touched your arm,

and then she let her hand linger.

All things that women do

when they want a guy to know that they're interested.

Beth, we had a friendly, professional conversation. That's it.

"You are so funny. Would you like to go to Billy Joel with me?"

"Why don't we go out to dinner first and then head over,

just you and me

and nobody else from work?"

Oh, crap, I'm going on a date with a sponsor.

Mm-hmm.

-Hey, Jake. -Hey… you.

Sorry, I'm blanking on your name.

Oh, don't tell me you're trying that sad move.

"Oh, Jake doesn't remember my name."

"Oh, I'm so hurt that I'm just gonna fall in love with him."

Jessie.

Pitiful.

Oh, whoa. Can we turn it down?

What's your problem? You're working out in the dark.

-You're acting weirder than normal. -Or am I always this weird?

I know you don't want to admit anything's wrong

because you're afraid you'll lose your job, but you should relax,

because that's inevitable.

You may want to look that up because it means that you can't eat it.

I know, 'cause I've eaten a lot of things that are supposedly "inevitable."

-Hey. -Hey.

Thank you for being so professional with Morgan. She had a great visit.

Yeah, about that.

No. What did you do? You were with her for one minute.

Babies in cars can be left alone longer than you.

-She asked me out. -Ha.

Oh, Kevin! Thank you for the laugh. I needed it.

She invited me to Billy Joel tonight.

First off, she and I have plans tonight.

And don't take this the wrong way, but Morgan dates CEOs and physicists

and Pulitzer prize-winning novelists,

not people who get a kick out of bobbleheads.

You may wanna adjust the list of people she dates

to include this guy.

Oh, it's Morgan.

Oh.

-Can you give me one second? -Sure.

We're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay.

And I'm back.

Morgan canceled on you, huh?

It is one thing to be mad at me,

it's another to screw with a sponsor.

I didn't do it on purpose. I'm not an idiot.

-Last thing I wanna do is date a sponsor. -Oh, is it?

Or is it part of your plan to get me out of here?

Ooh. I never thought of that actually. Uh…

Look, I understand we're a little low on trust.

-We're on E, Kevin. -Okay.

The car's on the side of the road. It's raining.

We're walking towards a spooky house that a guy in overalls told us not to.

Let me handle it.

I'll tell her I can't go out 'cause we work together.

No, you can't say that. She'll think I told you not to date her.

I'll tell her it was my idea. I'll just say, "I can't go out with you."

You can't say that.

"I've been thinking about it, and I decided to reject you after all."

Maybe avoid doing that to our sponsor.

-Okay. So, am I dating her-- -No.

I can't go out with her, but I can't not.

That leaves what? Faking my own death?

Why fake it?

The only relationships I felt good about ending were the ones I ended.

Here's the problem. I know what you're trying to do.

You want her to reject me, but I'm a little bit adorable.

I'm kind of like... a baby raccoon with peanut butter on its nose.

You just wanna be near it.

Please. You know what a bad date is.

Show up late. Look at your phone.

Order her dinner without asking what she wants.

Cheat on her with her college roommate.

Promise you'll meet at the Golden Gate Bridge,

and then leave her there shivering, feeling like an idiot.

If you're gonna do the clappy thing, when you turn back, I'll be gone.

That would be great.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Yeah, you hit some traffic here in the middle of rural North Carolina?

I was checking out the Hornets game.

Were they playing tonight?

No, it's from 2013. I recorded it.

What'd I miss?

I don't know, just the first half hour of our date.

What can I get you?

Hey, we're going to a concert, so I'll make this quick.

I will have a Bud and a cheeseburger.

The lady will have the same, unless you're on a diet. You on a diet?

I may be cutting some things out of my life.

We're good.

Are you okay?

You know, I'm sad all the time, you know?

Keep thinking about it and then I get mad. I get mad.

Well, tonight is going to be so fun.

Billy Joel is fantastic in concert. He--

You're on your phone. Okay, uh, what's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry, do I seem bored? Nah. You're doing fine.

An old girlfriend texted me. She is crazy.

You should watch out for her. I'm telling you.

Okay. What happened to the guy I met last night?

Oh, he's still here. He's just layered and mysterious. I'm--

I'm like an emotional lasagna.

Okay, I'm not an idiot. I realize you're trying to end the date.

You should've said no in the first place.

Okay, wait. Hey. All right, look--

I didn't even realize you were asking me out on a date in the beginning.

How did you not get that? I literally said, "It's a date."

You did. All right, look.

You're our sponsor, all right?

I didn't wanna screw things up and have the relationship end badly.

What are the odds of that? You seem so great at dating.

Oh! I love the part where you called me fat.

Look, I'm-- That was stupid. All right? It's just--

You know, with this job,

every relationship I'm in, the other person gets neglected.

That's what it's about. I should've been truthful with you.

Oh, and I would have understood. Trust me.

I get putting your career before your love life.

Maybe it wasn't a great idea for us to go out, but we were getting along,

I wanted to see the concert and I took a shot.

Next time, I'll reject you flat out. How about that?

Great. Perfect. Great.

Now that we know we're just, just business colleagues,

do you still wanna go see Billy Joel?

Absolutely. I gotta bring Beth back a T-shirt.

If not, that Fraggle Rock's gonna hit the ceiling.

Jessie, what are you doing here?

Not looking for beer, if that's what you think.

Beth got a little handsy with Richard Childress,

so we had to take it away.

Thought you were with Catherine.

Her and Morgan are seeing how the Fake Steak stand is doing.

Oh, I was there earlier. It's actually pretty crowded,

because the line from the hot dog cart is backed up to her table.

I tried 'em to see if they were that good. They are.

Well, uh, I was hoping to talk to you, actually.

I think something's wrong with Jake.

Okay, look, I see what you're doing here,

and I respect the hustle, but it's not gonna work on me.

Look, no. Of course I wanna be the driver,

and I'd totally do something sneaky like this, but I'm serious.

Something's wrong with him.

Jessie. Look, you're a good kid, but Jake is our driver

and that's the end of it, okay?

Talk to him yourself.

Fine. I gotta talk to him about strategy anyway.

If you're staying, don't use the bathroom. It's not hooked up to anything.

Last week I got an earful from Kyle Busch.

Hey, you're good, right? 'Cause it's not too late to change your mind.

You have to calm down. I've got this.

Last time you said that, I had glitter in my hair for two months

and my wife almost left me.

Wait a minute. We're not getting power.

Who messed with my car? Hmm?

I will find out who did this and I will end them.

Relax. It's just us. No one's done anything.

Hey, our slot's up in 20 minutes. How we looking?

Can't get it to start.

Not sure how much we'll learn at practice if we have to push it around the track.

Well, get on it. Let's go. Jake, how you doing?

Doing great. Just having trouble with this glove.

It goes on the right hand, buddy.

-Tricky little thumbs. -Yeah.

Hey. Look me in the eye and tell me we're okay to go here today.

We're okay to go here today.

Okay. Somebody pulled the plugs.

Amir, did you touch my car?

I don't know anything about anything. Why won't you all leave me alone?

Jakey, coming in hot.

Hey. Come here.

This is me, all right? You can tell me anything.

Are you… are you hurt?

-I don't want Jessie to take my place.

Even if you don't race today, I promise you'll get your seat back.

You have my word.

The doctor said I have a concussion and I shouldn't drive.

The number she gave me was from Domino's. I'm in a real death spiral here.

Well, I gotta pull you.

For your own safety and-- And for everybody else out there.

I know.

This is not your fault. This is on me.

I've been so busy fighting with Catherine lately I neglected you.

I should've taken you to the doctor.

Yeah. This is on you.

Yeah.

Don't worry.

You're young. You'll heal real fast.

Amir?

Why did I find spark plugs in your bag?

I--

Amir might take a little bit longer.

-Is everything okay? -Hey, you got your fire suit?

Never more than three feet away. Even when I sleep.

Weird flex, but okay. You're in.

-Wait, seriously? -What's wrong with Jake?

I just found out he's got a concussion, and why Amir's been shedding, so.

-Let's go. Change. Get in there. -Yes. You won't regret this.

I feel like I just released a tiger into a village.

Kevin, it's good we had Jessie around. No, wait, that was all me.

Okay. You know what? Before you take your victory lap,

we wouldn't be in this situation if she wasn't here.

We had a driver who was on a hot streak,

and because of your decision, we're in mid-season starting a rookie.

-This is not great. -I don't wanna have this fight.

At least we have a car out there.

-So, how'd it go with Morgan? -Oh. I ended it.

-Hey, Kevin. -Hey, Morgan.

Let's see some racing. I'm excited.

And she started it back up.