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(bright piano music)

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♪ So nice to see you ♪

♪ How have you been ♪

♪ Everything's wonderful ♪

♪ Since we talked last, I can't remember when, but hey ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ It's good to be home again ♪

What's that? Oh.

♪ Yes, she's still with me ♪

♪ No we're not married yet ♪

♪ Yeah we'll probably have babies ♪

♪ I'm already starting to regret this ♪

♪ Enough with the questions ♪

♪ Just say, Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Yes, I remember ♪

♪ You told me last year ♪

♪ I have too many tattoos ♪

♪ But can we ♪

♪ Just be married ♪

♪ Sorry, Happy Holidays is fine with me too ♪

♪ Yes it's a real job ♪

♪ Even though I don't work nine to five ♪

♪ Still got the same car ♪

♪ Has the whiskey arrived ♪

♪ Always the same questions ♪

♪ Just say, Merry Christmas ♪

Yes, I know,

I should probably buy a house

and not live with my friends.

No, I'm not vegan.

I just like a salad now and then.

Just stop it already,

And say, Merry Christmas.

♪ Oh there's no place like home ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

- Very nice.

- What you got in there?

- You know the rules,

couples keep their presents a surprise too.

- You told me last year.

- No, you found it on my credit card statement.

- Actually the credit card company called

'cause they were suspicious

about a $124 purchase at a gas station.

- Okay, I needed every last piece of that beef jerky

to properly sculpt it into a meat bouquet.

- Who ended up with that again?

- John.

- It's beautiful.

- You're not jerking me around.

- Hey.

- Remember, he tried to plant it in his garden,

and woke up at 2:00 a.m. to a yard full of raccoons.

- Classic John.

But seriously, is that more meat?

- I follow the rules.

No hints.

- All right well, I will not be taking my chances then,

especially after the year this has been.

- We'll see about that.

(knocking on door)

- It's the ghost of Christmas presents.

Get it.

- Yes, I get it, babe.

- Where my favorite elves at?

- Wow, did you wrap Marcy's Kia?

- Isn't there a size limit?

- Yes, one to eight feet circumference.

One to 500 pounds, and a hundred dollar value or more.

- Correct.

- You ready for this big guy?

- Ah, yeah.

You know, I'm always ready for PJ and Billy's

annual white elephant exchange.

- I get top billing now.

- I know you like the top.

- Oh wow, already?

Scott and Joey aren't even here yet.

- You guys need an eggnog concoction.

Let's get it set up.

- Boring.

- Well, don't pick it then.

- You mind?

- I guess.

Rotate, rotate, rotate.

- Lower.

It is fragile, please be careful.

- Door.

Go in high, go in high.

Going high, high, going high, going high.

Next year,

bring something smaller.

- Are you nervous?

- Only that you're gonna blow it.

- Just tell me which gift not to take.

- Red shoe box.

Knock yourself out with anything else.

- You do know that eggnog is actually disgusting

and I only drink these for you, right?

- And that is why you are my favorite.

- I'll let your gift to the talking.

- Maybe not this year.

- No hints, PJ.

- Okay so, how's the new job going.

- It's fine, not exactly inspiring.

Thank you.

But, it's paying the bills.

- And John?

- Still finding himself.

But he's happy, I'm happy.

- I wish you were my wife.

- I think Billy would have something to say about that.

- I'm pretty sure Billy would rather get stuck

with another wine cork bulletin board then a bride.

- Before I put a cork in it.

It's perfect for board meetings.

Give me one riesling why not?

- It's not even done, Billy.

He did try hard to sell that.

- Never works.

(knocking on door)

- Did someone say white elephant party?

- I think so!

Who's got the eggnog whiskey?

- I'm pushing rum this year.

- All the same, Joey just needs some holiday spirit

if you know what I mean.

- This is heavy.

Have a dolly?

- Oh, that little thing.

- Well, maybe it's a trick

and there's a small little box inside.

- Oh, come on, that is a rookie move.

This is a veteran white elephant.

- I think the three of us can handle it.

- Be gentle, all right, she's valuable.

Very valuable. - No hints.

No hints.

- Did you clear the dollar value this year, Billy?

- Okay, I spent $123 on that beef-

- 124.

- I spent $124 on that beef jerky last year.

- That's your bad, 'cause my homemade gifts

are much more resourceful.

- And how did making a chair out of duct tape

cost a hundred dollars?

- Well, we used some of the duct tape for-

Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind.

- One of my favorites.

- [Woman] Is that duct tape?

- Yes, it is.

- That's ductin' awesome.

- Is there a weight limit on this thing?

- Careful, the last person that tried to sit on that

got abducted into thin chair.

- Creativity is encouraged, right?

- That is correct.

- Thank you Marcy.

- All right, why don't you guys get the gifts,

and I will get your lovely lady a cocktail.

- About time.

- One two three.

- Oh yeah, this is heavy, man.

- Okay Joey, what's it gonna be?

We have eggnog with just about anything.

- What kind of mixer goes with every alcohol?

- Just the eggnog will be fine.

- Huh?

- Oh my god.

- Scott doesn't know yet.

- [Marcy] What about your punch?

- I have mastered the fake drink thing?

Watch.

- No, that's good.

- Wow.

Well congratulations.

- I am shocked.

Shocked, were you guys trying?

- No, we weren't trying.

I think my IUD expired.

- Honest to god.

I was considering gifting mine this Christmas.

- Sorry, why haven't you told Scott?

Is it his?

- Jesus, PJ.

Yes, I may be the female Christian Grey in the bedroom,

but I am monogamous.

- Okay, well I'm gonna tell you something.

You're gonna need a lot more leather

if you're gonna hide this from him.

- I'll tell him, I just don't know how.

The Joey he loves can hold her own with him.

Clyde doesn't want his Bonnie

pushing around a baby stroller.

- Okay, they robbed banks.

You two just stay up past 11, watching "Outer Banks."

- Did Joey rob a sperm bank?

- Ha ha.

I shouldn't have said anything.

Just please keep it to yourselves tonight.

- Joey, of course you should tell us,

we're your best friends.

If we can't conceal your pregnancy from your boyfriend,

while you work your way through denial, then who can?

- Yo!

What are we doing this year?

- We were just talking about you.

- How about fog nogs?

- Oh god Scott, do I dare ask?

- Eggnog and tequila, gets you foggy.

- Ah, I like that.

What about nog on a log with celery and peanut butter?

- I know you're joking but

I would totally try that, actually.

That's a good idea.

All right, cheers.

- Okay.

- Cheers.

- To swapping, right?

- Cheers, yeah.

- And I'm not talking about our gift exchange.

- Oh my God.

- Why do I even?

- I don't.

- Let him speak?

- Ebenezers.

(knocking on door)

- Hey, Merry-

- Don't say it.

- Are any of us even Jewish?

- I am, thank you for remembering husband.

- That's true.

- [Billy] Where's Beth?

- She's coming a little later,

she's still getting a gift.

- [John] What, we don't do last minute gifts.

- Yeah, she knows no Snuggies, right?

- No, she's just, she's been really, really busy

at work lately, but don't worry, she never disappoints.

- That is true.

Last year she brought that electric scooter.

That was a competitive item.

- I feel so alive!

- Hey, scoot over.

Let me show you how I roll.

- That was actually mine.

- Good to see you Wayne.

- Yeah, you guys too.

How's it going?

- [Billy] I'll take the gift for you.

- Oh, thanks man.

What time are we starting?

- No rush, whenever Beth gets here.

- And I reach my PAL for white elephant-ing.

- You have a PAL for everything.

- [John] Wait, what's a PAL?

- Perfect alcohol level.

You know, whenever you're like playing

billiards or darts or golf, and you get better as you drink,

but when you reach a certain level

and then you take one sip further, you're just terrible?

- [John] Oh yeah.

- That my friend is PAL.

- [Wayne] That is brilliant.

- So what's your PAL for white elephant-ing.

- Is that really a verb?

- Yes.

- Well, that's the thing.

You just have to know it when you reach it,

especially your sex PAL.

- Sex PAL is very real, yes.

- Okay Wayne, can I get you something to drink?

- Yes, sure PJ, just whatever's easy.

- Eggnog and rum.

- Sure, I like the glass by the way.

- Oh, thank you.

White elephant exchange four years ago.

Marcy has never forgiven me.

- Let them go, or I will kick you in the shin.

- Try it.

- Ladies, ladies, keep it glassy.

- Oh no.

- Yeah, that was before we banned holiday-themed gifts.

- I forgot about that.

What about the beef jerky poinsettia?

- That was not specifically a poinsettia,

although it was a lovely shade of red,

until John fed it to the neighborhood raccoon faction.

- And you said I could place it anywhere.

- Wait, why did we ban the holiday-themed gifts again?

- Because they're generic, like bottles of booze.

I mean, nobody appreciates a handle

of sweet, sweet whiskey more than me,

but for white elephant, we can do better than that.

- That isn't specifically why it was banned, but it is true.

You guys, the exchange is a tradition

to honor our friendship,

and to keep it alive as we get older.

The gifts are symbols of that friendship,

and should be used or displayed or whatever all year long.

- Yeah, that's exactly what I told Joey

about the sexy nurse costume I got her for Halloween.

- Yes, same concept sort of.

- Well said, babe.

Cheers.

To our lifelong friendship,

and the creative gifts that represent it.

- Oh, Wayne's tearing up, that's so sweet.

- No no, it's not about you guys.

I mean I love all of you, but it's just

- You okay, Bud?

- Is it Beth?

- Is she dying?

- No no, she's not dying, John.

She's just,

I just don't know if we're gonna work out.

- What makes you think that?

- Yeah, maybe you're overthinking it.

- Well, she said, I don't know if we're gonna work out.

- Yeah, that's pretty clear.

- So, is she not coming,

'cause that could really affect the exchange.

- John, can you just not think about that for a minute?

Wayne, is there something that happened or?

- Did you propose to her dressing up as furries,

and she wasn't into it, and now it's awkward?

- That is oddly specific,

and no, not at all what happened.

She said that she's like still figuring herself out,

and she's not ready to settle down yet.

- Who is?

- Not you apparently.

- You're the one who's always saying

I'm figuring myself out.

- What does that mean anyway, settle down?

You can't have commitments

and still be a fun, normal person?

- I know, right.

- Says the commitment-phobe.

- I'm not a commitment-phobe, I'm a marriage-phobe.

There's a very big difference.

- Dude, just let her work her stuff out.

I mean, you're a world-class guy,

with world-class friends,

and she'll realize that.

- Scott is right.

Like sometimes women just need a little space

to get through our heads.

It'll be okay.

I promise.

- Thank you.

Thank you guys.

And please just don't say anything, or make it awkward.

I mean, she really does love you guys

and is really excited about tonight.

- Is that why she waited until today to get her gift?

- Oh no, no, I was just lying about that.

No, she just wanted to drive separately.

- She gains a bit more respect back from me then.

- Girls, should we help PJ with the spread?

- Oh I'll help you spread.

- Scott, come on man.

Keep it classy.

- It is classy.

(holiday music)

- I'm sorry Billy.

- Couldn't you wait, Wayne?

- I know, I don't want to ruin your big night, man.

- No it's fine.

We're all together.

Right? That's what makes it special.

And PJ has been wanting this so long nothing could ruin it.

- You are a brave man.

I mean, I'll be with Joey forever,

but there's no reason to make it official.

Most married people cheat anyway.

- I'm not sure that's true.

- I love being married.

- That's 'cause your wife financially supports you.

- Play nice.

- I'm sorry. - She does, it's fine.

But it's more than just that.

It's more

just having someone to share your life with.

- That sounds nice.

- So how is this gonna work?

- I tried to keep it as simple as possible.

It's all about nobody taking my gift,

which is the red shoe box, by the way, right up front.

We'll draw numbers like we always do for our order.

And if she picks near the end,

then she'll likely have to pick it first.

- Polly Jean Adams, will you marry me?

- Oh my God, yes!

(cheering)

- What if she picks early?

- Well then we do what makes the game fun anyway,

and we keep stealing from her.

- Oh, I've always wanted one of these.

- Uh uh, this is mine, yes.

(gasping)

- Oh.

(laughing)

How nice, I will take that, thank you.

Oh look at this.

- That's insane.

- Well behaved women seldom make history.

- I think I'm gonna take that.

- But what if she gets another gift three times?

- If we see her taking a liking to something,

we're gonna have to step up our game.

- Okay.

- Work together.

- Perfect.

- No no no no.

- No.

- Hey. - Yes.

- What the hell?

- What if we get stuck with something we don't really want?

- It can happen and I will make it up to you.

Listen, no one is gonna be thinking

about the exchange after the proposal.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy Hanukkah ♪

- All right, I guess you've thought of everything.

- It's gonna be great.

Best white elephant ever.

- Yes.

- I'm so sad for Wayne.

He's so sweet.

- Yeah, it sounds like he's gonna be on the market soon,

so maybe we could set him up.

- I did have a little crush on Wayne, before Billy.

- Really?

- I mean, I didn't really know him,

and before I could,

Billy swept me off my feet.

- I thought it was more of a gradual sweeping.

- Oh no, no, no.

It was instant.

How you feeling, Joey?

- I don't know how people do this.

- Sorry.

What does it feel like to have another being

growing inside of you?

- It's kind of like this spread actually.

- What?

I think you're just hungry.

- No, no.

It's like a little bit of everything.

Some days I feel like my life is over.

And then, I see the picture of my ultrasound,

and I see this strange alien thing growing inside.

And even though it really grosses me out,

it's my alien thing,

and I smile and think about dressing it.

Some days I,

just to want to have sex all day.

And some days I just want to throw up.

And yes,

I'm also, super hungry, all the time.

I probably shouldn't have ate that part.

I'm getting a little carried away.

- Wow, that was a super impressive

visual representation of pregnancy.

- Seriously guys, what the hell am I gonna do?

- I say, tell him tonight.

It's all about surprises anyway.

- That's very true.

- I don't think it's gonna be the right time.

(knocking on door)

- There she is, come on in.

- I'm sorry I'm late, work stuff.

Thank you for hosting again.

You know, including us all in you know what.

- Hey, do you want to take this for me?

- Yeah, sure.

- Cool, thanks.

- You sure there's a gift in here?

- Yeah yeah, I'm sure.

- [PJ] Hi Beth!

- Hi, sorry I'm late.

- No worries, you didn't miss much.

Well, it's great that you guys

are all keeping this alive still.

- I mean, hey, some people do karaoke or hiking,

we do a white elephant.

- You know, I'm actually training for a big climb right now.

Yeah, it took me about three weeks

to realize that I actually hate hiking.

- So, stop?

- No, I think it's too late.

Plus you know, maybe I'll grow to like it.

- I thought I would grow to like cuddling.

Nope.

- Really?

- [Joey] The worst.

- I love cuddling with John,

he's like a little teddy bear.

- [Joey] You should gift him.

- No living gifts.

Do you guys remember the albino turtle?

- It's really rare, I shelled out a lot for it.

- I'm pretty sure Billy just spray painted him white.

- Yeah.

- Wayne and I cuddle.

- Really?

I mean really?

- I expected that.

- Yes, that's cute.

We knew that.

You want to get a drink?

- Yeah.

- It's eggnog, it's so good.

(upbeat holiday music)

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪

- What'cha doing?

- Just making sure they all look equally presentable.

- Do you ever worry you might be

going a little overboard sometimes?

- Never.

- Yeah.

I admire your attention to detail,

but maybe could pay more attention to your friends.

- John and Marcy are at the food,

and Wayne and Scott are talking about

their fantasy football teams.

- I'm sad for Wayne.

- I've known Wayne since his freshman year.

And if there's a problem in his relationship,

it's not all her.

- What do you mean?

- You know, he's insecure, like needy.

- I don't think wanting to be loved means that you're needy.

- Did I say that?

- Okay.

Anyway, we ready, should we start?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- I have a feeling there's gonna be a big surprise tonight.

- You do?

- I mean, there always is.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather around.

Let's leave our drinks in the kitchen,

we're four for four years on spillage.

All right, it is time to start what you all came here for.

- Free food?

- Yes, but also the fifth-ish anniversary

of the white elephant exchange.

(cheering)

- I'm pretty sure it's six.

- Well, I don't think we count the year

we tried to double it as John and Marcy's engagement party.

Remember, they took all the gifts, we just got cuff links.

- Yeah, that was awesome.

- All right, before we begin,

does anyone have any rule additions or changes

they would like to propose for a vote?

- Yeah, are we old enough to ban the sex stuff?

- Nay.

- Sorry, sex stuff lives.

- Hmm, should we reconsider the ban on Guy and Liz?

- Ooh, I'd be open to that, I miss Liz.

What did they even do?

- No, they missed a year.

- I know, but I mean, as we get older,

that does seem kind of harsh.

I mean, people have other things, right?

- That's the idea of the rule.

I mean, the whole point of this

is to get everybody together.

Why even do it if it's something you can just skip

and go caroling with your neighbors?

- I don't think people carol anymore.

- Well they should, and we should keep the rule.

- Okay then, let's draw numbers.

(rock and roll music)

♪ Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Over the fields we go laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells about to ring making spirits bright ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle jingle all the way ♪

♪ A day or two ago I thought I'd take a ride ♪

♪ And soon Miss Fanny Bright was seated at my side ♪

♪ The horse was lean and lank ♪

♪ Misfortune seemed his lot, he got into a drifted bank and then we got upsot ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle jingle all the way ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle jingle all the way ♪

- Let's get ready to white elephant!

(cheering)

Everybody take your seat.

- Beth, I saved you a seat.

- It's okay, I think I'm gonna stand up for just a bit.

- All right, who's first?

- [Wayne] That wouldn't be me actually.

- [John] Lucky.

- You do remember from doing this multiple times,

that first is the worst spot, right?

- Oh yeah.

- Okay, wow.

Okay.

- [PJ] Make it good.

- All right, so I think

we are gonna start simple this year.

- What makes you think it's simple?

- I don't know, let's find out.

- That's great wrapping.

(laughing)

Okay, rosé all day.

That's the perfect gift for me, wow.

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

(cheering)

- Don't get too comfortable in that buddy, I will take that.

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

- Oh yeah.

It was made for me.

Rosé all day,

and night.

(laughing)

- Okay, okay.

I am bummed to lose that to female Hugh Hefner over here.

- Every rosé has its thorn.

- Nice one.

- But I did also have my eye on this.

- I'm gonna, I'm gonna-

- Yeah, please.

What is this?

Is this a mechanical bull?

Or wait a sec, no.

It's like an inflatable water toy?

Or is this a mechanical bull inflatable water toy?

Oh my god.

- That's awesome.

- Now that as a white elephant gift.

Who is that?

- Thank you, thank you everyone.

- [Wayne] I don't have a pool.

- [John] No, it works on lakes, too.

- I don't care if we're doing it in the tub.

We are trying that out tonight.

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

- Yeah.

- [Billy] Start slow.

Start slow!

(group hooting)

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Oh my gosh.

I am so sorry.

- Way to grab the bull by the horns there bud.

It's all right, he's a soldier.

Let's just corral this over here.

Who's up next?

- I am three.

All right, here we go.

- Uh uh, turn away my friend, my bull.

- Relax, I don't believe in taking your own gift.

- It's not against the rules though.

- I'm going to the tree.

- Hey hey hey, gentle.

- Ho ho ho ho ho.

- Whoa, whoa, I thought

we weren't supposed to be gifting alcohol.

I stand corrected.

- Wow.

- Okay.

Maybe Wayne should wear this on the bull?

- Oh my God.

Is that autographed by Deroy Jones?

- Who?

- Only the greatest tight end in the history of ISU.

- I'll take the greatest tight end ever.

- Billy's favorite player, what a coincidence.

- Oh, I don't think it's a coincidence, John.

Clearly PJ's using our white elephant

to get her boyfriend a cool gift.

- Blasphemy!

- That is not true.

I thought all men worship Deroy Jones.

Joey wants a piece too, right?

- I don't think I buy it.

- Marcy, what's the rule on buying for a specific person?

- I don't think that's come up, Scott.

- You guys, I buy Billy presents all the time.

Why would I need to get him something in the exchange?

- Let's just move on.

- You just want your hands on my tight end.

- Okay, I'm up.

(playful music)

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

- Ooh, feels nice.

Not that I would wear it over anything.

I'll take it.

You can't even drink rosé.

- [Scott] Wait, what?

Why can't she drink rosé?

- She's allergic.

- Yeah.

- No she's not.

- Not to wine of course, but to um roses.

- I don't think there's roses in rosé.

- Agree to disagree.

- Or maybe, I don't know.

- I just want this soft robe all over my body.

- I want that body on my body.

- [Marcy] Moving on.

- Who's next?

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

I get to go again after losing to the Joey grail.

- Almost good.

- Thanks. Okay.

- You know, there's a really a nice

shoe-box-shaped present, right there.

- Yeah, I see that.

- [John] There you go.

- I'm gonna leave this one here.

- No, you have to open it fully.

- Fine.

- Is that cheese?

An intimacy pillow.

- [Marcy] What is an intimacy pillow?

- It looks like a giant foam doorstop.

- How was this over a hundred dollars?

- Oh, the packaging says that it was approved

by more sex therapists than any other pillow, just saying.

- Oh okay, and you accuse me

of buying for my significant other.

- I mean you did bring the nightie last year, remember?

- Uh oh!

- Thank you for keeping it classy.

- And festive.

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

(group applauding and cheering)

- No I can't.

- Time to call it a nightie.

(laughing)

- I mean, yeah, everyone did end up wearing that gift.

It was almost weird.

- Besides a pillow is a much more universal gift

than a helmet that belongs to whatever his name is.

- Deroy Jones.

- This is not just a pillow.

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

- Okay, sorry no, I will not be trying this out.

- Boo.

- Yet.

- Oh God.

Okay, can we do a refill break?

- Yes.

- Five minute pee/eggnog break.

That didn't sound right.

- Are you having fun?

- Yeah, you?

- Besides the concussion from the bull accident, yeah.

- Right?

Yeah, that was funny.

- Yeah, so you're laughing at me?

See, I can be useful.

- Wayne, come on.

- Sorry.

- Did you tell them?

- Tell them what?

- Come on.

- I mean, I might have mentioned something,

but it's not a big deal.

I mean, everybody's just waiting for Billy's proposal.

- That's why I came.

- That explains it.

- Wayne, I'm kidding, relax, okay?

- Your present is a hit.

- Yours too.

Joey's pregnant.

Are you okay?

I had the exact same reaction.

- It's just not who I would have expected.

- Right?

- I always thought we would have been the first.

- Aw.

- Should we have been the first?

- I mean, we can't pass them baby,

that's not how it works.

- That's not what I meant.

I mean, should we be talking about this?

I can get a better job.

- John, can you stop apologizing

about your job all the time?

- Sorry.

Wayne made a comment earlier and-

- We're changing the subject anyway.

- Right.

- Is that a sign?

- Not for me, I mean, you can keep working.

I could stay home.

- You're sweet.

- I always wanted to be a manny.

- I don't think it's called mannying or nannying.

When it's your kid, I think it's just called parenting.

- Agree to disagree.

(holiday orchestral music)

- Okay everybody, five minutes is up.

Let's get on with it.

- All right, who's number five?

- I'm five.

- That did not last long.

- It's hard to last long with an intimacy pillow.

- And in the least surprising steal of the night.

- Come on, no try it out chant?

Come on.

- Back to you, PJ.

And remember there is a nice shoe-box-shaped present

still under the tree.

- Yeah, I don't think I can handle

going back to the tree again.

So,

yeah, give it to me.

- I knew it.

- Okay well.

- Thank you, my lady.

- There are no take backs.

So my choices are a helmet

that belongs to some random football player.

- Deroy Jones.

- A floating mechanical bull for pools or lakes

that none of us have,

or an intimacy pillow that my boyfriend

is holding onto for dear life.

- Well, when you put it that way.

- I'm going to the tree.

- Yeah.

- Let's see.

All right.

Ooh, it's an envelope.

- Oh, is it another soap on a rope

of the month club membership?

- Soap on a rope?

I love it.

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

♪ Try it out ♪

- How's it hanging?

- It doesn't look like soap,

I think it's a European vacation?

- I'm sorry.

- Gosh, flights, hotels, winery tours, for one.

- What?

- It's one vacation, for one person.

- Who would want to go on a nice vacation like that alone?

- I know.

- Sorry guys, I just,

I bought it on a whim a few weeks ago,

and I thought it could be a fun item, right?

Everyone could use a vacation.

- Did you buy it for yourself?

- I mean it's allowed.

- No, no.

- Really?

- I don't know, it was just one of those days, I guess.

- No, you knew none of us

would want to go on a solo vacation,

so you used it to get out of having to buy something.

- No, honestly I, yes I bought it,

but I'm not even sure that I want to use it,

so I thought I might see if someone else might want it more.

- Why can't you just be honest about it?

You bought a one-person trip

because you are done with me.

So why did you even come tonight?

- Wayne, these are my friends too.

And I'm not just done with you.

I'm sorry. I just, I, I, I don't know.

- What?

- Hey guys, let's go get some food in the kitchen.

- No, no no no, it's okay.

Look, this is what tonight is all about.

It's about being together, right?

So this is my life now, I guess.

The woman I love would rather travel to Europe,

sleeping with French guys named Philippe,

then be with the person who wants to take care of her,

that's fine.

- Wait, this comes with French guys?

Sorry.

- Maybe I don't want to be taken care of, I don't know.

I mean is this it?

I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I'm not as old as you guys are.

- Ouch.

- No, I'm sorry that came out wrong, I just,

maybe I just need to live a little, I guess.

- You want to live?

Then, get an inflatable bull,

or get an intimacy pillow.

- Ooh, this is mine.

- I thought we built something.

- And I appreciate that, I do, I do,

but that something sometimes feels like everything, Wayne,

and I am suffocating in that notion.

- You're suffocating?

Isn't that a little bit drastic?

I mean, it's not like I'm like

some crazy clingy boyfriend or something, right?

Am I a clingy boyfriend?

- That was the word that you used.

- Guys, am I a clingy boyfriend?

Guys?

- Maybe a little.

- Really?

- Oh, you did call her twice a day on her snowboard weekend.

- I'm not saying this is clingy,

but you have not left her side since she got here.

- That is the definition of clingy.

- Wow, I'm a clingy boyfriend.

- [Beth] It's okay, you are who you are.

- There are worse things.

- And I don't even have the vacation anymore,

I gave it away, and Joey is going.

- Yes I am.

- Why don't we just get on with the game?

- Yeah, let's just go.

- Yeah, look we can talk about this later, right?

- Yeah.

Back to the game guys.

- Okay then.

Only three gifts left.

What a fun year this has been so far.

- Okay I'm six, and I'm gonna start fresh.

Let's see.

Oh my god.

Are you serious?

This is amazing.

- What is it?

- It's a quilt made of T-shirts.

- I almost made a quilt last year,

with duct tape.

(comedic music)

(yelling)

- Look, they're not just any T-shirts,

they're all meaningful to our gang.

- Wait.

Oh yeah, I remember when we got these

Nadas T-shirts in the parking lot.

- There's some classic parties represented on there as well.

- Who made this?

- I did.

Well I didn't make it, I hired a seamstress,

but I had the idea and I gathered all the T-shirts.

And you know, in hindsight

I probably wouldn't have spent a year

collecting fabric memories to create something

that literally clings to you.

- That is very thoughtful, Wayne.

- Thanks, yeah, it was really fun to do

and it brought back some amazing memories.

- Wow.

- This is the spirit of our white elephant.

- Oh my god.

Here it is.

- What?

- This black shirt, "Let's Get Trunk This Christmas."

Billy was wearing that on our first date.

- Wow.

- [Beth] His obsession with Christmas goes way back.

- I've been looking for this forever.

How did you get it?

- I must've left it at Wayne's all these years ago.

- Probably.

- No, I gave you that one.

Remember, you asked me if I had

any old college T-shirts for Instagram TBTs or something,

and I gave you four or five.

- Oh yes.

- Very sneaky, okay.

- Why would you have Billy's T-shirt?

You guys barely knew each other in college.

- I use my T-shirts for rags, anyway.

I took these from Marcy's closet.

- You what?

- Those boxes on the top shelf.

I didn't think you'd care.

- Why would Marcy have Billy's shirt?

- I couldn't have had the only

"Let's get Trunk" shirt at ISU.

- I thought you made it.

- I must have given it to John for his rags then.

- No,

You're lying.

You're covering up something, I can tell.

- PJ, don't be silly.

Let's just, let's just get back to admiring

Wayne's wonderful work here.

Thank you.

- Marcy, why did you have Billy's shirt?

Marcy?

- I'm so sorry.

- What the hell?

- Can we, can we, can we pause the game?

- No, you can tell me now.

Wayne and Beth didn't get a break from the game.

- PJ, it's not a big deal, I swear.

- Then you can tell me why you had Billy's shirt.

- Okay, let me explain.

- No, no, no, you've already lied to me once,

why would I believe anything you say?

- Maybe the six years we've spent together.

- And how many lies did you tell me over that span?

- PJ!

- PJ, please.

Don't be mad at Billy, okay?

This is my fault.

- What, what is your fault?

- We hooked up a few times in college.

- What, really?

- But he was wearing that shirt when we met so,

it must've been after.

My best friend banged my boyfriend.

- Okay, we weren't serious yet.

- And I didn't even know you guys went out.

- Of course you didn't.

Wow, I feel pretty stupid right about now.

- Babe, this is not something to be upset about.

I love you, I'm with you.

Marcy is our friend and that's it.

We don't have feelings for each other.

- Do you know why I wanted that stupid shirt so bad?

Because that night was magical.

I knew immediately it was something special.

- We are magical.

- Not magical enough to stop having sex with my best friend.

- All right.

You know what?

I'll be honest.

I didn't know right away that you were the love of my life.

I'm sorry.

I was a normal college student.

I hooked up with girls.

I'm sorry, all right.

But eventually I figured out that you were the one,

what happened between Marcy, it means nothing now.

- If it's nothing, then why keep it a secret?

- He wanted to tell you, I wouldn't let him.

- Wow.

You've been like a sister to me.

- PJ, I am so sorry.

I screwed up, but please don't be mad at Billy.

- What are you doing? - It's not his fault,

he loves you.

I can go.

- No, you don't need to do that.

PJ, I'm the one that didn't want to tell you.

Once Marcy found out that we had been out a few times,

she put a stop to us immediately.

I begged her not to tell you,

because I didn't want to hurt your amazing friendship.

And yeah, I knew that it would look

really, really bad for me.

- Marcy, why did you lie just now?

- I'm sorry.

- Stop saying that.

- I just want to save tonight.

- It's a dumb white elephant exchange,

and I'm pretty sure Beth already ruined it

by dumping her clingy boyfriend through her gift.

- Okay, that's not what happened.

- Wait a minute.

I am being so selfish right now.

John, I haven't thought about you in all of this.

Did you know your wife slept with one of your best friends?

- I did not.

- I am so sorry, babe.

- I'm really more upset Marcy kept the "get trunk" shirt,

but made me use my intramural broom ball jersey

to polish her candlesticks.

- Stop John, stop hiding your feelings with jokes.

Deep down you are angry, I know it.

- She's right, you do hide your feelings sometimes.

- It's not the best news.

- Just let it out, babe.

- But I hadn't even met Marcy yet.

I can't be upset of who she was with before me,

and we decided a long time ago not to discuss past partners.

- [Scott] Good idea.

- Thank you, John.

- [PJ] And what about Billy?

- I didn't know you then either.

- It's hurtful you never said anything.

I'm not gonna lie.

- Yeah, doesn't that feel better John?

Billy is a liar,

and he needs to hear how much he hurt us.

- Okay.

Point taken.

- Scott, what about you?

You knew us all back then.

Did you know about Billy and Marcy?

- I didn't.

And I'm glad I didn't.

- And how about you, Wayne?

You're the one who started this whole thing

with your stupid quilt.

- Okay.

Like this is not Wayne's fault by any means.

He was just trying to do something sweet.

- Joey, you've been awfully quiet, did you know?

- I honestly don't remember.

- Right, must be the pregnancy brain, I'm sure.

- PJ. - Wait, what?

- Oh that's right.

You didn't know.

God, the secrets this group keeps from each other.

- She's kidding, right?

- PJ, how could you do this?

- He deserves to know.

- Not like this!

- [PJ] It's better for the truth to be out.

- PJ, I understand that you are upset with me,

but you need to leave everybody out of this.

- Yeah, a little late for that.

- Is this real?

Is it a boy or girl?

- I um we can find out.

In a few weeks.

(solemn piano music)

- Should we invite the whole crew?

It feels like a group thing now.

- I can't believe you!

- No, I'm glad that at least someone told me.

- [Joey] I was going to!

- Only 'cause he would've noticed eventually,

otherwise you probably would've

hidden it forever, like Marcy.

- I apologized, can't we move on?

- Yes, can we get back to the fact that my girlfriend

who has been drinking the whole night,

by the way, is pregnant.

- They are virgin drinks, Scott.

- You don't know anything about virginity.

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Why is the guy holding onto an intimacy pillow

for dear life, seriously slut-shaming me?

- You're right.

I'm sorry.

So it was a dumb thing for me to say, you know,

I was, I wasn't thinking straight

'cause I just found out from someone else

that my girlfriend is pregnant.

- Now that is a pretty big development.

Why don't we take a break,

grab some peppermint bark.

- I can use a drink.

Scott, I will make you one too.

- You know what?

Scott is right.

There's nothing virginal about me, I'm sexual a lot.

Sometimes three times a day.

- Really?

- She is, it's true.

- And that's exactly why I was afraid to tell you.

Why I'm afraid to be pregnant, period.

What would you think?

What would all of you think?

When the girl who normally has a cocktail in one hand

and her boobs popping out,

starts drinking pickle juice

and rolling around like a bowling ball.

- I think your boobs will pop out more actually.

- Yeah, they're gonna be huge.

But never mind that, look,

do you really think I'm so shallow

that I won't love you pregnant?

- I don't know.

And I'm scared to find out, I guess.

- Wow.

PJ, not sure how I feel about the truth being better,

but good try.

- I didn't start this.

- Okay, well then just blame me, all right?

I brought the quilt so we can-

- Yeah, just thanks for that.

Maybe Joey can wrap it around her soon to be fat ass.

- Oh nice.

- You know what I think is funny,

here's PJ, all high and mighty,

destroying everybody else's relationships,

when really, you're a hypocrite.

An hour ago, you were talking

about how you had a crush on Wayne.

- What?

- Oh my god.

In college, before Billy, not a minute after.

And it was just a crush.

I wasn't leaving intimate clothing at his house.

- It was a "Let's Get Trunk" T-shirt.

It's weird, I don't think you ever mentioned

having a crush on my boyfriend.

- Oh, you stay out of this.

You didn't even go to college with us.

You're only here because of him,

and that's probably over anyway.

Or are you suddenly interested in him again,

now that you know I once liked him?

- Oh, don't flatter yourself.

- You know, you never mentioned it to me either.

- Oh, just stop.

You can't compare a little crush to sleeping with someone.

- Well, how do I know you never slept with Wayne?

- Whoa no, that definitely never happened.

I promise, that never happened.

- Why do you care what she thinks anyway, Wayne?

She'd probably prefer if we did sleep together.

- Oh wow, you are going so far.

- You know what?

No, not that I owe any kind of explanation,

but I didn't come here to break up with Wayne.

I came here because this night means so much to him.

His best friends who have managed to stay so close.

Well, so much for that now, right?

And you know what?

You guys don't even deserve Wayne.

- [Wayne] Stop.

- Think about the love that he tried to show

by making that quilt,

and you are all ruining it with your petty jealousy.

- Okay, can we both just please stop?

All right?

Let's just be done.

- No, Beth is right.

This is a beautiful gift, and it's mine.

And I will get out my sewing kit

and whatever's left in that box of shirts in my closet,

and I will personally replace the elephant T-shirt,

and return it to you, PJ.

- I don't want that shirt now.

- Then what do you want me to do?

How can we fix this?

- This might not be fixable, mother bear.

- I want that quilt as is.

In fact, do you know what?

I'm gonna frame it.

I'm gonna put it on the wall,

so every day I can look at it and be reminded

of the great, honest people I went to college with.

Here, trade me, take the robe.

No, there's a rule against trading mid turn.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

And thank you, Wayne.

- Last call on fog nogs.

- Yes.

- Yes, please.

- That's a great idea.

- Give me the quilt.

- No, you can't hide what you did.

- No, give me the quilt.

- Hey, does that mean I'm stuck with the helmet?

- Well, Billy certainly doesn't deserve it.

Fine, take your blanket.

I will, use this with someone else.

- Take it, we're not gonna be having sex

for a while anyways.

- That's not true.

- In fact, I'm going on a vacation, a daddy moon.

- Oh, enjoy that.

- I will.

- Leave your pregnant girlfriend home alone.

- She's pregnant?

She never told me.

- You and I both know I will get more use out of this

than you could even imagine,

and that's not my pregnancy brain speaking.

- Ouch.

- Back to mommy.

- You're sick.

Wayne, do you really want that bull?

- I think really I just want to go home.

And the way tonight's going,

I'm definitely not opening anything new.

- Good.

Let me help you.

The beef is mine.

- Wow, it's a really nice quilt.

I'm sure whoever made it never intended for it

to ruin traditions and destroy relationships, so.

- Well I think I'll just do you a favor

and take this ugly thing off your hands.

Everybody knows you can't handle your wine anyway.

- Not when it's mixed with eggnog, no.

- Oh I'm sorry, you don't like my eggnog.

Maybe Billy can make you something with his nog.

(group ooo-ing)

- I'm starting to like extremely angry PJ.

- Okay.

Sorry Scott,

daddy-moon's over.

Marcy needs her own R and R.

- Enjoy it, you know.

What happens in Europe stays in Europe

so it's perfect for you.

- Hey, what did she do to you?

- Nothing, I'm just, I'm just saying.

- Then don't.

(sighing)

- Hey, I have a kid on the way.

I should have soft things around the house, right?

Oh, thank you, Joey.

It is my kid, right?

- Why does everybody keep asking me that?

Don't answer.

Yes, unfortunately it is.

You know, it feels so right to steal from you,

since you stole from me the experience

of telling my boyfriend that we're pregnant.

- Great.

Third time owning.

Done.

- No way, the trade with Marcy was against the rules.

- Very.

- You two, and your damn rules.

You have a lot more in common

than your little college tryst.

Fine.

I will win this back.

Fair and square.

- Bull, second time.

- Me too.

- Okay, is anyone else completely lost?

- Yeah.

- We meet again.

- You know, I just like how valuable this has become.

- You really didn't need to steal that,

Billy probably would have just left it at your house.

- Silly me for not saying anything.

I should have known how understanding you would be.

Since this night is total bull,

she's mine.

- Sorry.

Second time.

- Careful, it might be cursed.

- Might?

- Jo, you're glowing in this,

so I hate to take it from you,

but you're not gonna be drinking

rose all day for awhile.

- Sadly, this is true.

- Thank you.

- Wait.

If I steal the luxury European vacation for one,

very generous by the way, Beth.

Then you'll take the quilt for the third time,

thus owning it, getting exactly what you want,

so your sadistic little mind can continue to hold a grudge

over your best friend and,

boyfriend,

or is it ex at this point?

Whatever.

Keep the vacation.

Wayne, I love the quilt and I think it's a beautiful gift.

- Thank you, Joey, and congratulations.

Oh my God, wow, you are glowing.

Bull.

- Third time, it's done.

- Can I just say something?

PJ, I put the "Let's Get Trunk" shirt on the quilt,

because I remembered that Billy wore it on your first date.

I actually tried to talk him out of it,

but it was December and you know Billy, so,

I mean like I'm sorry that it brought us down

this dark path of deceit or whatever,

but really it was to celebrate your relationship.

- Thank you, Wayne.

That's really nice.

Sadly, I don't think I will ever be able

to look at that shirt,

or this relationship, the same.

- Billy, I'm sorry man.

Honestly, I was thinking of you when I made the quilt.

I know how much this exchange means to you and,

I know how much we all mean to you

and I'm sorry that it went a different way,

but I guess in a weird way,

I mean it's only right that you end up with it.

- Third time's the charm.

(sentimental piano music)

- PJ, this is the present

you were supposed to end up with tonight.

Everyone was in on it.

I thought,

what better way to propose to the love of my life,

then at the white elephant exchange

that we both cherish so much,

in front of all of our nearest and dearest friends.

And that all just sounds a little stupid now.

I screwed up.

I should have told you about Marcy a long time ago,

and now it's too late.

Clearly this is not something

you are ever gonna forgive me for,

and I understand that.

So I'm just gonna take this back

and you should take the vacation,

and maybe some time away will heal some wounds.

- I forgive you, for what it's worth.

I think we should go, babe.

- Yeah, I think we should too.

Thanks for hosting, Billy and PJ.

- Guys wait, look, look,

I may not be a part of the original gang,

but I think I've earned my stripes

with this gift exchange, right?

You know, I've learned the rules.

I have lost some dignity,

but I think I deserve to get my gift too, right.

- She's right.

We should honor the game.

- I mean, there's one last present.

- Screw that.

I came with this.

I'm gonna leave with this.

- Beth, hey, I will buy you a vacation.

I really don't think you should take that from her.

- You know what guys,

why don't we just leave the last present,

and PJ can open it when she's ready.

- Why is everyone in such a hurry to go?

There's still plenty of eggnog, and snacks.

And this white elephant is not over!

I believe this is mine.

Go on, it's your turn.

- Everybody's right, it's over.

- Billy, you love a good white elephant, let's go.

- This isn't what I

- We could stay.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Starting over.

Intimacy pillow, first time.

- Really?

Okay.

I see how it is.

- Scott!

- What? I mean,

it may be too late to make an honest woman out of you,

but this might come in handy some day.

I mean, there's like five karats in this beauty.

- Come on, stop.

- I thought you were mad at her.

- [Joey] I thought you were mad at me.

- I am, but I'm more mad at her.

- [PJ] And you should be.

- See?

- [PJ] Both of you.

- What?

- I want that ring, and I am gonna fight for it.

But if there's another person who ends up with it,

I hope it's Joey.

(dramatic piano)

- What I did to you was incomprehensible.

I was very hurt,

and I reacted by hurting others.

Most of all, you two.

Joey, you always put everyone else before you,

and you never asked for anything in return,

except the one time you trusted me with your secret

and I betrayed you.

At least Marcy kept her secret with Billy,

and honored their friendship.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Let's see.

Thank you.

- What are you doing?

- Baby needs a pillow.

- No Billy,

it's for me and Joey.

She's my girl, even when she does get fat.

- Really?

- Seriously.

I mean, PJ's so right, you're so selfless.

Most women would tell their man immediately,

whenever they're pregnant,

and milk it for every second they can.

But your thoughts were on what I would think.

And maybe I do come off as only caring about all the parties

and the amazing sex and,

I mean, I do love all those things,

but I also love all the other things.

You're so caring and you're so nurturing,

and you're gonna make an amazing mom.

- I am?

- I love you.

Let's go use this.

- You still want this?

- Thank you.

- I will take this back then.

Thank you very much.

(slightly tense music)

- Not a lot of options left.

- There is the one left to open.

- No, everybody knows opening your present now

is how you get stuck.

- Okay.

And I'm gonna take this back from you.

- Beth, what are you doing?

- Just trust me, I've got this.

- Congratulations.

- Huh?

- Enjoy your vacation, you own it.

- No I don't.

- It's your third time.

- No it's not.

- When I took the quilt from you,

you took it from Marcy,

and then a few minutes ago you took it from Beth.

- Damn, how do you remember everything?

- I'm a professional.

And this is my third time.

- I'm sorry, I was just trying to help.

- It's not your fault.

None of this is anyone's fault.

Take the tight end.

- [Beth] What?

- [PJ] Please?

- Thank you.

No offense Billy or PJ or Deroy.

- Trade it?

- Yeah, okay.

- So wait, are we allowing trades now?

- I own that vacation, I can do anything I want with it.

- Yeah, but Beth's only had the helmet the one time.

- Marcy.

- It's fine.

Are we fine with it?

- Yay.

- Okay.

- Trade?

- I don't think so.

- Come on.

Put a tight end to it.

- Good effort.

- Okay, I totally brought this autographed helmet for you.

- I knew it.

- You should be the one to have it.

Consider it a peace offering.

I'm so sorry about tonight.

I may have overreacted slightly.

I already apologized to Joey and Scott,

but Marcy

I'm so sorry about all the hurtful things I said.

Thank you for ending things with Billy,

when you found out about us,

because honestly, if he had to choose,

I am not sure I would have won.

You're the most impressive woman I know.

And John is so lucky to have you.

- I forgive you.

Come here.

(uptempo piano music)

- Wayne, I'm really sorry I blamed you,

and ruined your amazing quilt.

- Thank you.

- So, how about that trade?

- What happens to the ring?

- I will hold on to it and maybe one day we'll be ready.

- Sorry, PJ.

That's not what I want.

- Okay yeah,

I understand.

(sad piano music)

- I don't want to give this away

in a gift exchange or trade.

I want to do it the right way.

Polly Jean Adams,

I actually was in love with you from the moment I saw you.

I denied it inside, and I was probably scared.

I hooked up with somebody else to try to hide it,

and it was a terrible choice of who that person was.

No offense, Marcy.

- None taken.

- That is so beside the point,

you are the woman of my wildest dreams.

You have put up with my constant puns,

and embraced every one of my weird quirks,

including this crazy white elephant tradition.

You've embraced my friends.

You've even embraced my beef jerky floral artwork.

Tonight

I, well, we

saw a very different side of you, and it was nasty,

but it came from a place of passion,

passion for us,

and the way you chased this ring.

Even if you did screw up the game,

it meant a lot.

So,

Polly Jean Adams,

will you marry me?

- Yes.

(hooting and cheering)

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

♪ Try it on ♪

- Congratulations.

- And I believe this belongs to you.

- He's my favorite.

Thank you so much.

- Look on the inside.

- What do you mean?

What is this?

- Open it.

- Oh my god.

- Come here, sit.

- Okay.

William Berg,

I definitely knew I loved you from the moment we met.

Maybe I've gotten a little possessive

over the last six years,

and perhaps a little clingy.

No offense, Wayne.

- Oh my God, I don't care.

- But it's only because I can't imagine.

Sorry.

Guys do not have easy.

Okay.

It's only because I can't imagine life without you.

You are an elephant of a guy.

And, I love you a ton.

- You were really gonna use

the white elephant exchange to propose to me?

- Pretty original, right?

- No way.

- I mean, I was gonna wait and see

how the night turned out, but.

- All right, who knew?

- Oh no, you think I would trust any of these people?

- Seriously though congratulations guys.

- I love you, Marcy.

- I love you.

- I love you too, John.

I love you all.

- And, I didn't spoil anything.

- Now that is worth celebrating.

- Congratulations, you guys.

- Congratulations to you, Joey and Scott,

I guess you had something to do with it.

- PJ, can we grab our drinks?

- Promise not to spill?

- Promise.

- Yes, yes, drinks drinks drinks.

- I got PJ's.

- No no, me first, me first.

(laughing)

- I can't.

(cross-talking)

(music)

- Cheers, to PJ and Billy, and the weirdest damn proposal,

make that actually double proposal,

you will ever see.

- Cheers. - Love you guys so much.

- Love you guys!

(cheering)

- Try it.

Virgin.

- Definitely virgin.

I'm just checking.

I'm just checking, you never know.

- Wait, the game's not over.

- That's right, whose turn is it?

- Marcy?

- Okay, PJ traded the vacation for the tight end with Beth.

- Oh, actually my secret is that this present

actually has another part to it.

- That's not allowed. You can't have-

- Marcy, come on.

- Come with me.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, let's get away with each other, you know.

Let's figure this out.

- I will give your more space.

Just anything, I promise.

- Okay, I know that that is who you are.

- Okay.

I'm in.

Can we bring the bull?

- Yes.

(cheering)

- Were you planning on giving this to me

the entire time?

- I thought I would see how the night went.

- Wow.

What a beautiful white elephant exchange after all.

- And it's still not done guys.

There's still one last present left.

- Wait, who gets it?

- Beth took my tight end,

so I guess it's me, but you know,

I don't have to take it

'cause there's still plenty of stuff.

(No no no)

- [Marcy] Yeah, move it to the center.

Move it to center, babe.

- Looks heavy.

- Toilet paper?

- Are you serious?

- Yep, I've been hoarding it since March.

- Wow.

- It'll go with my white elephant toilet paper holder

from two years ago!

It's a white elephant toilet paper holder.

- I knew you could use it a crapload.

- Wait, is this what you've been storing

in the office all year?

- Yes it is, yes it is.

- Now there's room for a nursery.

- No way, no way, no way, no way.

I'm saving that space for next year's gift.

Trust me.

- Guys, let's take a selfie.

(shouts of approval)

- The toilet paper, down here.

- Okay, everybody in?

All right, everyone say "best white elephant ever."

- Best white elephant ever.

♪ It only comes around once a year ♪

♪ Friendly tradition and some extra cheer ♪

♪ But a feeling takes you over and it's suddenly clear ♪

♪ It's time for the white elephant blues ♪

♪ Everybody's gifts are all wrapped up tight ♪

♪ This one looks amazing but it's way too light ♪

♪ My aunt would probably steal it and start a big fight ♪

♪ Just a touch of white elephant blues ♪

♪ You want to trade me for your singing bass ♪

♪ Well keep your hands off my snuggie, you can kiss my ass ♪

♪ Oh I'm never gonna learn ♪

♪ Hey when's it gonna be my turn ♪

♪ That crazy albino pachyderm, the white elephant blues ♪

(knocking on door)

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la la ♪

- Down, down, down, is it down?

Thanks.

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la la ♪

- Two, three.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy new year ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ♪

- I'm the quiet one.

- Whoever arranged those must be turning over a new beef.

It's a tuning cork.

It helps your wine find the right pitch.

- Tuning.

I get it.

- Is there a weight limit on this thing?

- I'm chairing for ya.

Ha.

I saw that in the store and said,

Albino other gifts than this.

Hero's in a half shell, turtle powder.

It looks like Santa's been by with his linger-sleigh.

I'm just glad you're using it sooner lather than later.

Well, it was either this or a set of porcelain bowels.

- He's punning again.

- Sorry Wayne, sorry everyone.

- Every year.

- It was good to see you.

("12 Days of Christmas")