Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(TRAFFIC NOISE AND CHATTER)

(WIND HOWLS, CLOCK TICKS)

(DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT)

WOMAN: You gotta be kidding me!

The attic? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

Who puts on a play in a freaking attic!

Oh, Jesus! My vagina can't do stairs.

It'll prolapse for chrissakes! (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

One more floor and it'll be down by my knees.

Over 50 feet and it becomes a trip hazard.

Another floor?

(THUDDING FOOTSTEPS) Seriously? I'm getting altitude sickness up here!

(DOOR CREAKS)

(SIGHS) Finally!

Mount fucking Olympus!

Stand up.

Have I walked into a hostage situation?

Are you OK, sweetie, or is he keeping you here against your will?

No, I'm just - I'm joking. Look at him,

I've eaten scarier chicken wings. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hi, I'm -You!

Human sundial! What's your name?

I'm Barbra. Barbra Streisand.

Joan Molinsky. Manhattan's most heckled comic.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sure that's not true, Joan.

Honey, I've died so many times I bring my own defibrillator on stage.

Who are you, and what woodland creature died on your top lip?

I'm Jim. Your director. Director? Don't be ridiculous.

Look at you! You're a child. Um, it's nearly ten o'clock.

Yes, it is. Thank you, Barbra. We need to get moving, for chrissakes.

Can't keep our star waiting. (WHISPERS) Sorry, Jim.

Kids, I'm gonna need ten minutes. This Band-Aid's coming off.

No one wants to see a wandering septum on stage.

Moustache, you can get us some bagels.

Are you stiff?

You want me to rub your back?

-Um, I think I'm OK. -Barbra, you'll never get into the inner life

of the character if your body is tense.

Come on, let me give you a massage.

Ah, that's better. My left nostril was on the move.

Figured it best to tether it down before we get started.

OK. Ready for you, kid. Shoot.

OK. So, I thought it would be a good thing to get you two together

you know, before the others arrive because we gotta do the big scene.

Great.

Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean.

-You didn't tell her? -In the script it says my big scene's with -

Don't be obstructive, Barbra. The script has changed, sweetie.

I can't believe you didn't tell her. OK, fine. So... So, the part has...

I'm trying to find the word. Evolved. It's evolved, honey.

-Oh. -I know. Unconventional,

but they were just so desperate for me to do it.

Manny, don't make me beg! Joan, Joan, I have clients waiting.

-You're scaring 'em. -I need a job.

Something dramatic. I can't do the comedy any more, Manny.

The audiences hate me. I'm even losing the dry-clean.

Joan, I ain't got nothing. I'll holler again!

OK! OK, uh... I only got one role.

-It's off-Broadway. -I'll take it. -You can't. -Why not?

Because the part is Man in Black. So, make her Woman in Black.

(CHORTLES) You c... No, Joan, Joan.

You can't have a girl playing a boy! They won't go for it.

Manny, you tell them I'll fill their crummy theatre

night after goddam night. (THUD) Ooh, hoo!

You tell them I'll pack that venue so full of rich Jews

they'll think Moses himself was doing publicity.

(CHUCKLES) I'm the Woman in Black, Manny!

(SOFTLY) I'm the Woman in Black.

Woman in Black! It was last minute, Barbra.

You're... fine with that, yeah? Sure.

So... two girls.

Let me just change the script.

And the love scene's -still as written? -Absolutely.

What love scene? Haven't you read it?

Of course she's read it! Of course I've read it.

You mean we're kissing? BOTH: Yes.

-Right. -Great, isn't it?

Think of the scandal, the publicity!

We're gonna get shut down. I'm gonna be the guy who shocks New York City.

Honey, how old are you? Sixteen, I graduate in summer.

Great! She's a foetus. Are you sure you're OK with this?

-She's fine. -I asked Barbra.

It's cool. I live in The Village, so I've pretty much seen everything.

Well, I too am cool...with it.

Very cool. I was raised cool.

I'm not saying that women should stay in the house.

I'm not saying that, Joan. He's not saying that, Joan.

I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is, they need boundaries.

Women who venture out, go exploring beyond what's comfortable,

well, then, they get upset.

I went to the Lower East Side the other day.

-Beatrice, how many times! -I'm sorry, there was a warehouse sale on.

Anyway, I saw a man... (GASPS)

..kissing a man. Oh, Jesus, honey, we're eating!

Imagine that! A man and another man.

I mean, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and, and, and, um...

-Uh, John. -John, yes. Adam and John.

Anyways, I got brisket. You want some?

Listen, I'm OK with the change.

I just need to rethink my character, that's all.

(SIGHS) Can I take ten minutes and work up a new back story?

No. You've wasted enough time, Barbra. We need to get on.

Now, ladies, come on. The other actors are gonna be here

in a minute. Let's focus.

Well, he seems like the perfect dick.

Why'd you let him talk to you -like that? -No, Jim's cool.

He's done Ibsen and everything.

Honestly, kid, I don't know what that is.

He has such a strong vision for this piece. Amazing.

-You read the script? -Of course! Ah. Yeah, yeah. Me, too.

Me, too.

What do we do in it?

Well, we have...one scene together at the beginning.

-And another one at the end. -Yeah.

What are these people doing here? -They're in the rest of it. -Sure.

Course I... I read... I just... I thought I'd improvise a bit.

-It's a play, Joan. -Yeah.

You have to read the text -as it's written. -The text?

Man, you are one uptight teenager.

So, how many lines I got?(SIGHS)

Welcome, everyone. Let's make a start.

Page one. (CLEARS THROAT)

Our scene begins in Gregg's cabin on the shores of Lake Michigan.

It's summer, and a hot wind is blowing at the dunes.

That's it! Spare us the details, honey.

It is theatrical Siberia in here.

It's so cold you could hang a wet ballgown off these nipples!

(THEY LAUGH) Man, I love actors. You're so starved of joy

you laugh at any old shit.

If I ever have to gig again, I want you squares in the front row.

(CHUCKLING) Hey, Madam Shnoz, you laughing under that nose?

I can't tell cos of the shadow. Boy, you are one tough nut to crack.

OK, Jim. Let's cut the crap and go straight to my monologue.

Uh, you don't have a monologue. Only Gregg has a monologue.

Then why aren't I playing Gregg? (DOOR SLAMS)

I'm Gregg.

OK.

♪ Now you say you're lonely

♪ And cry the long night through

♪ Well, you can Cry me a river

♪ Cry me a river... ♪

Can it, Barbra, please. Don't have time for horsing around, OK?

So, let's go from the top of your big scene.

Now, remember, it's July. It's hot, it's steamy,

so we'll take these clothes off and get into character.

This coat's staying on, kid, unless you want my character

to sue you for hypothermia.

Barbra, clothes off, please. -Thank you. -No. What are you doing?

You'll catch your death! It is his vision.

You gotta commit to his vision.

(PANTING) Which scene we at?

Joan and Barbra's big scene. -The love scene! -Yeah.

Can I stay and watch? BOTH: No, Gregg!

Take your coat with you. This guy!

OK, you ready? And...begin.

-Laura. -Lorna. Lorna, what's up, baby?

I just...feel like this ain't my life, that's all.

Like my real life is out there somewhere,

waiting for me to grab it.

You ain't leaving me, are you?

You know I can go on... You know I can't go on without you.

No, you crazy fool! I just got a lot on my mind, that's all.

What, with the truck stop closing and Mommy getting the mange again.

I love you, you know.

And I love you, too.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC CUTS OUT) Why'd you stop? I'm waiting.

-For what? -For you to kiss me.

This is where it says in the script -that you kiss me. -Does it?

Oh, so it does. Well, we can do that next time.

This mouth, it's a miracle worker. You'll see.

All right. That's ten, folks.

I love you, you know?

And I love you, too. (SPRAY)

Acting is about trust. Turn around.

Fall. Trust me.

Feel that. Firm. The thing about Shakespeare...

Higher, Gregg. I don't want dusk, for chrissake!

I love you, you know? And I love you, too.

-I'm hypoglycaemic. -Cut!

I love you, you know? I love you, too.

Hey, is this the love scene? BOTH: Gregg!

Come on, you two! I want more from ya. We need to get the transfer.

I love you, you know? And I love you, too.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

And cut! I... I can't do it today. I have an extremely dry tongue.

And that's lunch, everyone. (GROANS) OK. (BANGS DESK)

Back here in an hour, folks and we'll take it from the scene

where Gregg's baby nearly boils to death in the pickup truck. OK.

Thanks, everyone. Good work this morning. Barbra. A word, please.

Gregg.

OK. I am worried that you haven't had any time to rehearse the kiss.

Yes. I know. And I know Joan won't,

so I think we should make some time to go over it. Just you and me.

-Yeah? -Really?

It's not a problem, is it, Barbra? I thought when we hired you

you said you would fully commit -to this production. -Of course.

-Yes, no problem. -Let it go.

(HUMS)

♪ Well, you can cry me a river

♪ Cry me a river

♪ I cried a river over you ♪

You could really make a name for yourself with that voice.

No, thanks. I'm gonna be a serious actress.

Singing's a floozy business.(SNAP) You're in a freezing attic

about to kiss a girl. It's all a floozy business.

You are telling me I should quit my dream

for a weekly blues spot in the boontang?

You'll be in Vegas, baby.

And lord knows, those folks will be grateful in 100 degree heat

for the shade coming off your hooter.

What is with you, sweetheart?

How come you never laugh? Everyone else finds me hilarious.

Maybe everyone else can't see all the sad stuff underneath.

You collect ketchup too, huh? What are you talking about?

Oh, I know a ketchup collector when I see one.

Bet you got all sorts of free stuff in that bag.

OK. I'll show you first seeing as you're not in the sharing mood.

Ketchup. Ranch dressing.

Three kinds of sugar, brown, white and the fake stuff.

I hate to break it to you, kid. You're an amateur.

I got six different types of non-dairy creamer in here.

Mocha mix, cream, Coffee mate. Plus, I got maple syrup

and a packet of squeezy cheese in -the side pocket. -I'll trade you.

I got a fistful of Sweet'n Low and a trial pack of Rice-A-Roni.

Your folks, did they have it and lose it?

Or did you never have it at all?

Right the first time. Had it and lost it. Every goddam cent.

-I'm sorry. -Don't be. I'm thankful. It gets me out of bed every morning.

I'll tell you one thing. I will never be poor again.

My daddy died before I could say his name out loud.

So, that was us done. Complications, the doctor said.

Life sure is full of them.

Let's make a promise.

We're gonna be safe. We're gonna have cash.

And we'll always know where our next goddam meal is coming form.

OK. But until then, I'm eyeing your instant oatmeal and those Tic Tacs.

Oh, you can back right off, babycakes!

Tell me you'll sing.

I want an Oscar.

Great. And you'll have a Grammy, too.

Sing, Barbra.

Deal?

We are gonna do the dress rehearsal in situ.

So, little surprise for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your auditorium!(CHUCKLES)

(TEARING) Thank you, Gregg.

Everyone, come on. Come on in. Yeah, lovely.

OK. So, this place is gonna be absolutely packed out tomorrow

thanks to you, Joan.

OK, right. We are going to take it from the kissing scene.

So, if you guys can go off.

Now, ladies, remember, it's summer by the lake.

It is hot. It is sweaty, so let's take those layers off.

Don't you dare! It's below zero. It's the dress run.

Barbra, getting ready. Thank you.

-Joan? -Jim?

OK. Let's... Let's just do all the action. Let's go.

I'm not doing the kissing today, Jim. My glands are up again.

Fine. I will do the kiss with Barbra as we agreed.

Did you agree to that, Barbra? Jim said it was best.

And what do you think? You're holding everyone up.

Barbra?

-I don't want to. -Well, Jim.

Looks like only one of us is gonna kiss this girl today

and we'll do it when we're good and ready. Guys, let's get started.

-How many? -You asked me that already.

Well now, I am asking you again. -How many? -Same.

-Two.Two?Yeah. -Let me look.

Jesus! It's my parents. I thought the temperature had dropped!

Yeah, well, where are the rest? You promised us packed houses.

It's almost show time. Life is disappointment, Jim.

You'll find that out once you're out of diapers.

(SIGHS) Great! You barely know your lines, Gregg is a halfwit

and we don't even have an audience. We are fucked. Fucked!

And that's your 15-minute call, by the way.

Thanks for the motivational speech, honey. Appreciate it.

Delivery! Fortune cookies. Just what I need. Psychic candy!

Where'd you get these? Family. For luck.

Come on, stop being such a sourpuss.

"Sometimes the first time is the best time." Hm, enigmatic.

"You will be hungry again within one hour."

(CHUCKLES) Did Confucius say that?

Ooh! For a rainy day.

For a rainy day.

How many?

(AUDIENCE CHATTER) Jesus! You seen this?

It's like the Chinese New Year out there!

See? You're not the only one with family.

Your apple fell very far from that tree!(CHUCKLES)

I babysit for them. I work in the restaurant sometimes.

They are family to me. Yeah, well, whatever they are,

they paid full price, thank God!

All right. OK. It's show time. Girls, it's time to get changed.

I keep telling you, shrimp. These layers are staying on

till the last minute. You have to get into character, OK?

Remember, it's July. It's hot, it's sultry, it's sexy.

Barbra, please take off that sweater, for the love of God!

No.

What did you say?

I said, no. Barbra, I'm the director.

And we are the stars.

And we will get changed when we are good and ready, OK?

(EXHALES)

Good for you, girl! You know that egg-salad sandwich

-that I had earlier? -Yeah? Think I'm gonna go throw it up.

My mother, all of a sudden... Talk about your mother... Do you mind!

Don't worry, honey, -we'll get it dry-cleaned. -Ugh!

Well, looks like we're good to go. Our off-Broadway debut!

-Are you OK? -I've been on a bill with Armenian strippers, honey.

Nothing scares me. You are gonna be great.

I know it. Specially now you've actually read the play.

Oh, so you CAN laugh!

To be honest, I only read my bits.

Who gives a shit what happens in -the rest of it! -I want you to know

I'm gonna kiss the hell outta you tonight, Joan Molinsky.

Hm, I didn't fancy it till you hurled up that sandwich.

-Now, I can't wait. -Why?

I wanna know. Why are you so scared? Of what?

Oh, of that! No, don't be -ridiculous. -You never rehearsed it.

You always made an excuse. It's just acting, you know.

Have you ever considered that that thing might be a deadly weapon?

It could take my eye out. I'm merely protecting myself.

-I see you! -You need to wind your -neck in, kid. -You got the chat,

that's for sure. But underneath, you're just as soft as a pup.

Thing is...

I haven't kissed anyone since James.

My husband. My ex-husband.

It's over a year now.

And well, you get out of practice, don't you.

I wouldn't know.

I've not kissed anyone, ever.

You're joking!

Still, they say the first time is the best.

(CHUCKLES) Goddam fortune cookies! Say what you like, they were right.

I do want to eat again.

What do you do when the people who are supposed to love you

think you're a piece of shit?

Do what I did. Find new people.

(CURTAIN SWISHES) OK, girls. (CLAPS) Beginners on stage.

Now, remember. It's hot, it's sexy.

You need to take those cl - BOTH: Fuck off, Jim!

(AUDIENCE CHATTER)

BEATRICE: Oh, my God, it's starting.

WOMAN WITH SOUTHERN DRAWL: Man, there's a hot wind blowin'.

GREGG: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave the baby in the truck.

Well, look at his face, Gregg. Will it always be that colour?

I don't know, honey.

MAN: People are like apples, Gregg...(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And I will never step out for a smoke

and leave the baby in the back seat in a heatwave again.

I can't stand another minute of this drivel. I gotta get out.

Beatrice, how many times I gotta tell ya, I'm hemmed in by Chinese.

Laura. Uh, no. You been thinking again?

I told you that'll lead to no good.

No, I just... I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like this ain't my life, that's all.

Like, my real life is out there somewhere.

Waiting for me to grab it. You ain't leaving me, are you?

You know I can't go on without ya. No, you crazy fool!

I just got a lot on my mind, that's all,

what with the truck stop closing and Mom getting the mange again.

I love you, you know.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

And I love you, too.

(AUDIENCE GASP AND CHATTER)

Are they kissing? Meyer, are they kissing?

Sweet God in heaven!

She's gonna get us all arrested.

Oh, my God, she's gonna get us all arrested.

(APPLAUSE)

♪ BARBRA STREISAND: Cry Me A River

♪ Now you say

♪ You're lonely (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ You cry the long night through

♪ Well, you can cry me a river

♪ Cry me a river

♪ I cried a river over you ♪

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