Original subtitles

'What do you do when you wanna put your spliff down,

'but both hands are busy holding your face upright?

'It's a tough question.

'We need big money and fast. How do we get it?

'That's another tough question and, like a difficult pub quiz,

'there's not going to be an easy answer.'

Oh, shit!

We're gonna need some more glasses.

These ones ain't exactly up to scratch.

For God's sake, Hope, money is tight!

Maybe we should do a pub quiz. Might make a bit of cash?

What?

Just a thought.

Mobile phones, walkie talkies,

bibles, anything with any knowledge in it,

LIKE, photos of Berlin,

text messages, bike messengers,

messages from the dead, suicide notes,

Facebooks, the entire internet - in here

now!

'Ladies and gentlemen, the quiz will begin

'in five minutes. Please take your seats.'

This is your last chance, boys.

Any cheating and you will lose EVERYTHING.

We're about to lose this place. Yeah, like I said,

you lose everything. I still don't understand why Grandma's

so short on the rent. I thought we were doing all right.

I have a picture of a duck on my T-shirt. Is that knowledge?

Oh, God help us.

Of course it is. It's the blueprint for making a duck.

Off, off, off!

Dru, the information on your armtops, please.

They're tattoos.

Have it your way.

Sloman!

Something about this feels wrong. This pub quiz cost

a grand per team to enter

and he's playing solo. That's not all we should be worried about.

We should be worried about those boffins.

I was working at the bar around here.

Excuse me. I'd like to order 835 billion-million-million molecules

of vodka, please. Sorry, dude, we've only got one bottle.

Well, I think you'll find I'm only asking for a single shot... Duh!

Yeah. Well, look at those guys over there.

It's like they're professionals.

There's something about their t-shirts.

She actually said I had to colour in my tats or shave them off.

Ladies and gentlefolk...

..it begins!!

What's happening? Just bear with me.

What? No! What are you..? What are you..? No, no!

I didn't... I didn't know it was in there!

The punishment for cheating is...

..death!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

All right. The punishment for cheating is immediate expulsion,

with no refund.

No, that's not fair. Ow!

Bye-bye!

I want the police!

Nobody cheat, OK? We can't afford to get chucked out.

Four teams remain,

to face questions from three question setters

who have never met before this evening.

Answers, please.

Nine questions.

Nine answers, concealed within

the golden envelope.

Even if you broke one of the judges, you only get a third of the answers.

It's foolproof.

One prize - �5,000.

And for second place - no pounds!

Imagine five grand!

There's no time for songs.

And, no, we're not spending it on anything but paying off the rent.

I put my student loan on the line for this.

Yeah, and I sold all my toilet figurines.

And I pawned my piano.

Your piano's doing a porno?

Look, I really need to get it back Dru. You sure we can win this?

We'll win. Must win.

Ssshhhh.

Question one...

Start with an easy one, shall we?

Which household chemical

degrades into nonylphenols?

Oh, shit! Really?! Shit, in a good way?

In a "I know the answer" kind of, way?

Is the answer... maybe...

Australia? Wow!

You really ARE just a pretty face.

I'm not THAT pretty, but...

They know the answer!

Me, too. I know the answer. What?

It's monoethoxyldaze. What?

How would you know that?

Monoethoxyldaze.

All one word. Write it down.

Remember when we went on holiday?

I saw a shiny, kind of, bathroom cleaner in that shop we went to

and I thought to myself, "That'll help clean the toilets,

"if it contains powerful chemicals." That's why I read the ingredients.

Fine cheese slice?

No, thanks, I'm just reading this can.

I don't remember offering you cheese. You bought cleaning products?

And the packaging said what the chemicals degrade into?

Come on, write it down.

Look, I was gonna show you all the new cleaning product last week,

but when I arrived... What do you mean, we'll lose the place?!

Well, I've got short on the rent and the landlord says

he's got a millionaire buyer lined up. We need three grand.

Three grand?! By this Friday.

I've got an idea. We'll raise the price on my pub quiz.

We'll raise it a lot.

Trust me, I know what I'm Dru-ing. You have gotta stop self-punning.

Second question...

In Hinduism, Kurma, the second avatar of Vishnu,

appears as half man,

half what?

Oh, my God, we are SO gonna be homeless. It looks like

they know it again!

I just saw Sloman wink at one of them.

Sloman's incorruptible. Only thing he cares about is his tortoise.

Question three...

We haven't got one right, so far. No, we've got monoethoxyldaze.

How many girls are mentioned in the classic track,

I Wanna Look Into Your Wet Eye,

by Spooge Flint?

Hey, holy shit! As in, "Holy shit, I know this one, after all"?

Yeah, and I know the answer to the previous question. What?!

And also, I think we might have a massive problem on our hands.

A few weeks ago, I wanted to get us some advice on landing on some

more gigs, so I went to Sloman's therapy group for frontmen.

Ante in, Stef. Are we not talking about our feelings today?

Nah. Peter told a two-hour story about making sweet love

to six different women in one afternoon, then writing

a song about it. Can't top that!

Oh! Fold! Snap!

The answer's six women? Hold on. Grandma was gambling?

That's... Yeah, but that's not the point.

That's why we're short on the rent. I'm gonna kill her!

No, listen to me.

Peter, that's Spooge Flint's front man,

he was wearing a very specific T-shirt.

So, the answer to the Hindu god question is tortoise and it's him.

One of Team Testudo is Peter from Spooge Flint

and Sloman is winking at him.

Stef, we know Sloman. He didn't ask US for a bribe.

Because you don't have any money.

Ssh. I think I'm having an important thought about bollocks.

It was when Sloman moved in with us.

After reading Twilight, I got really into books.

Sloman mainly had books about tortoises.

Is there a tiny cow? Do not touch that box!

Testudo means tortoise, in Latin.

I remember because testudo sounds like testicle.

Bollocks means testicles, which sounds like Latin tortoises.

We're in too deep.

Attention, quizzers...

Since I now have to pass urine,

we'll take a short comfort break.

Thank you.

And no cheating!!

We've got eyes on you.

We have got to confront him.

No. Confronting the quizmaster will look like cheating

and if we get kicked out... We lose the hall. Dru's right. Just like monoethoxyldaze.

All right, we'll grab him in the toilets, then.

Wait, wait! Oh, shit! "Oh, shit", as in...?

I have got a horrible feeling. Is it thrush, again?

Unimprovable. I mean...

What is going on?

You can't touch me, I'm a quizmaster. I will take you DOWN, brother.

Sloman, we know about the guy in the tortoise shirt, what's his name?

All right. Busted. Look, I only did it for the tortoise, all right?

They asked me what would happen to my tortoise after I died.

You know what? It'll get turned into an ashtray, that's what!

They offered me security for my tortoise. Who's "they"?

Look, I'll let you boys off your rent. Just let them win, all right?

We have to expose the truth.

No, listen to me. Sylvia is a grand in debt from a poker game

and she's behind on the rent. If they cancel the quiz,

the place closes, anyway. We have to play. It's their only chance.

But we're the one's being played. Well, Dru's cheating, too.

That question about the cleaning product. Sloman, shut up! OK.

Guys, I need you to trust me.

Dru, why did Sloman say you were cheating too?

Seriously, Dru, I need my piano back and if you're cheating...

Ssh, keep your voice down.

That guy's only got one answer.

We must be beating him.

Next question.

How many feet has a duck got?

Two! Two...

Does its wings count as feet?

Because I suppose flying is just how ducks walk through the air.

Let's go with your first answer.

Ah, I forgot something. I'll be back.

Back in a second.

Dru, your bullshit story about

shopping for effective cleaning products.

My cleaning products are real, all right?

They're in that box over there. Check them afterwards.

Or we could check now.

What, with the judges looking for cheats?

No, my answer stays.

Mum, I need... listen, Mum.

I need you to look something up for me.

No, not that, they're fully descended now, OK?

This is a new problem.

Next question.

I must attend to my anus.

So, it's just us smart kids left.

What is the capital of Australia?

A.

What?

Australia starts with a capital A.

Thanks, Ash, great stuff there.

Just had a thought.

Question one, I'm thinking maybe its nonylphenol ethoxylates.

Oh, you had a thought?

Yeah, one of those things that comes to you when you're pissing.

Right.

Cheers for this. Now, the answer is monoethyloxydaze.

All one word.

Put that answer down, you won't regret it.

Start talking, Dru.

How was your dump?

People discuss answers in the toilets.

I've been sat in here listening.

Stef's been cheating too but at least he's cheating for us.

I want the truth!

Look, back when Ash went solo I got a bit worried about him.

So, I checked in on him from time to time.

Hey, Ashram, welcome to my workspace.

Much less stifling than some office, you know, way more practical.

I got talking to a hipster, said he was going to lose a chunk of

his inheritance when his rock star dad blew it on a tortoise sanctuary.

Some dude in his therapy group had turned him into a tortoise lover.

I didn't think much of it at the time,

but a few weeks later at the careers fair

at your school there was a stall for a tortoise habitat designer.

The dude showed me some plans he'd drawn up.

This is a model of a bingo hall we're trying to acquire,

not too far from here.

If you notice there are 11...11 different designs for your tortoise.

Your gran was in a bit of trouble with the rent.

When they asked her to play poker she was sunk before she knew it.

The tortoise sanctuary designer,

he's the guy out there in the Team Testudo T-shirt.

So what's your game, Dru?

Look, you have to back me up on question one, no matter what.

But Stef asked his mum to look it up, I heard him call her.

Yeah, but he can't admit he was cheating, can he?

Not after what happened to the boffins.

So Dru, I was just saying, I think question one, you've got it wrong.

What? No... bollocks!

I found your cleaning product the other day.

I wrote down the ingredients, erm, to check they were eco-friendly.

You found my cleaning products?

Yeah, the one in that box, yeah.

I think I've still got the bit of paper that I wrote it down on,

nonylphenol ethoxylates.

My answer stays.

I don't trust you.

Sloman already just said you were cheating.

I think we should go with Dru's answer. I trust him.

But I need my piano back.

I know it's nonylphenol... thingy.

Our lease on this place is riding on this, Dru.

Stef, Ash, do the right thing.

You have to trust me on this.

Where are you going?

Right, we need to settle this.

We need to check that box.

What if we're spotted?

I'll do it!

Time to go to work.

Final question.

What year was the first Twix sold?

First Twix, 1967.

OK, it's nearly the end of the quiz.

Time is, literally, running out.

We need to play for time!

Let's dance everybody!

I mean, could you repeat the question?

No! I've told you, there is no time.

Come on, Ash!

Oh, fuck!

Penis down.

Oh, hang on, it's apostrophe isn't it? It's not an I.

It's empty!

Pen's down.

Anyone caught touching a pen, from now on, will be disqualified.

No refunds.

You guys betrayed us.

I was so sure, Stef?

No, I cheated, I never saw Dru's cleaning product.

I rang my mum.

The box of cleaning products, Dru?

Why would I buy cleaning products with my own money?

I hate cleaning.

Epic porky pie, dude.

Re-checking my made-up cleaning products.

I am going to kill you!

Halt the quiz.

We have evidence of cheating.

Question one was, which chemical degrades into nonylphenols?

Three teams out of four gave the answer as monoethyloxydaze.

Sorry... I obviously owe you an apology.

However, the correct answer

was nonylphenol ethoxylates.

We checked the internet, there is no such thing as monoethyloxydaze.

It's bullshit!

It's a bullshit, made up chemical.

Now, hmm, I wonder how three teams could end up with exactly

the same, made up, answer?

Hmm, I wonder...

Cheating, that's how! Yeah.

Peter, I'm sorry.

Where are the tortoise's going to live now?

In their own bloody shells?

So, who wins the money?

The only person who did not cheat

and answered question one correctly, that gentlemen over there.

It was, actually, the only question he answered.

What about the one about the duck?

Wasn't sure if their wings counted as legs.

Ah!

There you go.

Ron, are we homeless?

I don't know, sweetie.

Monoethyloxydaze, my friend.

Right, that's it!

Wait, Ronnie. Get off me!

All right.

I'm so sorry, girls.

I got behind on the rent, so I tried to gamble back the difference.

It's so stupid of me!

Mr Wakely, now a good time?

Certainly is.

�5,000, less my fee of �200.

Nice doing business with you.

What?

There's the rent you owe, plus enough to cover your gambling debt.

But this makes us partners.

What?

Look, when I figured out they were coming for the hall,

I set up the pub quiz.

So, I appointed Sloman as the quizmaster

and blackmailed him into including our first question.

I knew he'd share it with the tortoise team.

You see, the thing with the pub quiz is everybody tries to cheat.

The only way to guarantee a win is to prove that everybody cheated

except you, then no matter how you do you're the team left standing.

I needed us to lose and for it to look authentic, that way

my lawyer had a clear path to victory with one correct answer.

But hang on, you said you gave Sloman a wrong answer to the

cleaning product question.

So, the answer in the envelope...?

Very sharp, Ronnie.

You're just a pretty face too.

That's where it got tricky.

I had to climb down the wall, cut out the back of the envelope

and substitute the right answer for them to cross check

when they discovered the cheating.

I think Dru may be the main one.

Or wait, so if you part own the bingo hall can

we please be house band, please?

Oh, I don't know, we're pretty shit.

I tell you what, I'll let us audition.

Gucci carriage, pulled by One Direction

And a few more A-cup bras to add to my collection

We don't just want one party, we want plenty

The girls want to be us

How you gonna tell me Diddy got his son a Bentley

And I got a Prius

Mum, that's not fair, gonna kill myself and you don't care

Should've got me Dappy from N-Dubz

Instead of H from S Club

It's Steps

Wanted an Iphone 64, you said, you had one sorted

You got an Iphone 32, bitch, you should get deported

I asked for coke and tequila

You got sherbet and ribena

I wanted moats and a castle

You got fucking pass the parcel

I know I'm a bit of a brat

But you can't have a party with that

Do you like when I look like a twat?

When I ask for a dog and you get me a cat

I asked for coke and tequila

You got sherbet and ribena

Gonna get a time machine imported

I'll go back and get aborted

How would that make you feel?

You know how you made me feel?

When you bought me an automobile in turquoise, Mum,

When it should have been teal

It's my party

It's my party

It's my party

It's my party

You would cry too if it happened to you!

It's my birthday, it's my birthday

Spoilt bitch contest, I'm in first place

It's all about party swag

It's all about party, slag

The party you wish you had

The party that's paid for by Dad

Shaking your fatty bombatty

Like Lindsay Lohan

Drunk drive my daddy Bucatti like Lindsay Lohan

Or Paris Hilton

Hit it like I'm Chris Brown

Drink so much till I'm yellow like a Simpson

It's my party

It's my party

It's my party

It's my party

You would cry too if it happened to you

When it comes to my party

Everybody better come early

I invited everybody to my Sweet 16

They turned up when I turned up

Don't check Wikipedia, nope

Everybody lies to the media, tell them what they want to hear

You're not fat, you're curvy, aren't you, Amelia

I said, scratch, itch, it doesn't hurt to dance

It doesn't matter if you haven't got a perfect ah

So sweet, everybody deserves a chance

Under the circumcision, I meant circumstance

They say I'm rude and mental

I make them feel the love for one hour

I said, you, me bedroom

She said what's the magic word? I said "voila"

It's my party

It's my party

It's my party

It's my party

? You would cry too if it happened to you! ?

So, what do you think? Can we please be the house band, please?

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