Original subtitles

If a girl won't come round

She must be a lesbian

Turns me down

She must be a lesbian

She don't like me

She must be a lesbian

? Don't like me... ?

She must be a lesbian.

Congratulations to the both of you.

You're both beautiful, beautiful lesbians. Peace out.

Sorry, really sorry.

Unbelievable.

I give you one day to play the bingo hall

and you ruin some sodding lezza's wedding.

Have you any idea how offensive that is?

If you don't clean up this place by tomorrow morning,

you will be meeting the twins.

Hope and Ronnie, the twins?

You totally crack me up, Ash.

What?

Mate, all you had to do was pick our set list.

It was a mistake, you guys are acting like I'm totally incapable.

Fine.

Well, at least I don't dye my beard.

Oh, God!

Ash can't walk backwards.

Dru's full name is Druandra. Ash can't count beyond 94.

Stefan ran over a guy on holiday in Spain three years ago

and just left him there in the road.

Ash talks in his sleep.

Probably needed a bigger one to come back with.

Well, if you think I'm so useless,

maybe you guys can clear the rest of the place up.

Oh, yeah, leave us to do all the work. That's new.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, did I say that loud?

You don't think I contribute to the band at all, do you?

Fine. Fucking fine.

Good luck working with Mr "Oh, it's all about me!"

Enjoy getting Dru to focus for more than five seconds.

I'm going solo.

I can survive without you, bitches.

If music be the food of love I'm Gordon fucking Ramsay

Leading it like Ghandi I'm the Beano, you're the Dandy

If you're bronze and silver I'm the gold

Going to wish your dad used a marigold

Listen to what you're told Cos you might learn something

I Matt Damon it like Good Will Hunting

Charizard shiny

I'm quite rare, I'm not big-headed though, it's just my hair

If I went solo I'd pity you, fools

Hanging like a pair of testicles

I am the ball sack More meat than a rib rack

I'm a needle in a haystack

You need me more than a junkie needs crack

Or more than Santa needs his sack

I am the leader They're just the pack

They're just the starter I'm the main course

Without me, you're chips with no sauce

Luke Skywalker with no force

A cowboy without his horse

This band revolves around me Why can't you bucking see that...

I'm the main one

Cos of the way that I dress

The main one...

Cos I look good in a vest

The main one

Cos I can do arabesque

The main one

The main one...

Hi there, we're the Midnight Beast And I'm Dru from the Midnight Beast

I'm the oldest in the Midnight Beast

So I'm the main one in the Midnight Beast

I was born first and I grew pubes first

I could shave and grow another beard

By the time I finish this verse

He's hairy

Like lightning, I'm scary

Strong as a bear but sweet like a fairy

Going through a life like I don't have a carey

Allergic to gluten, but not dairy

Do you still not get my case?

Got more gaga than poker face

I've got the balls that you can't replace

So make some fucking space cos I'm...

The main one...

Cos of the fro in my hat

The main one...

Cos of the eyebrows and that

The main one

? Cos I'm a necrophiliac... ? ? What?

? The main one... ? It was one time.

? The main one... ? I was lonely.

Save the best till last

You're economy, I'm first class

You guys are dated like YOLO So I'm out, Hans Solo

I bring the ah, I bring the oh I bring the scat-ba-dap, ba-bar-doo

So you basically don't bring anything

I do, let me put it simply I'm a tell you

The guns

The moves, check out my package

Chorizo sausage

Lock up your daughters I'm coming through

I'm on a mission to impregnate every single one of you

The main one

Cos without me, you're shit.

The main one

Well, your mum's got a dick

The main one

Fuck you both then, I quit

The main one, the main one

This band's the only band in the world that has three main ones

We're all as good as each other

? There can never be a main one! ?

I'm the main one. Oh!

So you're going solo, eh?

Well, you've come to the right man.

Yeah, I thought if anyone knew about doing stuff alone,

without any friends - it was you.

Yeah, I did the whole singer-songwriter thing back in the day.

I collaborated with all the greats. You're talking your Bowies,

you're talking your Dylans, you're talking your Abz from Five's.

Oh, here we go, these should give you some inspiration.

Check it.

Yeah, if there's one thing I've learned about singer-songwriting

is that it's all about the craft, the melody,

about saying something truthful people can really connect with.

Of course.

I need a makeover. Thanks, Sloman.

Did I say makeover?

This is really more of a three-man job, you know?

Well, we'll just have to make some adjustments. Like what?

Like the name, now Ash has got in touch with his legal team.

You mean, Sloman.

Yeah, and I've agreed we'll keep half.

So we're the Midnight and he's the Beast.

The Beast is so much better, you could have asked for my opinion.

Now that we're a two, we can't just put things to a vote.

It's just easier if I make all the...

Yeah, what do you think Ash meant by the whole 'Dru can't concentrate' thing?

Ah, OK. New romantic makeup - check.

Glockenspiel necklace, Amazonian dream catcher - tick.

Brilliant!

I think I've got everything I need to be a singer/guitarist.

What about a guitar?

Oh, yeah. Dear me.

Good job I kept my old gear from the music days.

Behold.

The blandocaster - reliable, easy to play, good acoustics.

Still got it.

What is that?

Oh, the German otter 2,000.

I traded Ozzy Osbourne an M&S cardigan for that back in the '70s.

Rock and roll.

No, I wouldn't bother with that - terrible sound,

difficult to play, doesn't even have the right amount of strings.

That's really just for complete idiots

who only care about looking flash.

All right, ready for our first jam as a duo?

Let's kick this pigeon in the tits.

One, two, three, four.

We need to find a third band member. We need to find a new sex doll...find a third band member.

Oh, fuck. Oh.

Remember what I taught you, Ash.

Slam dunk!

Oh, MFXG, that was love.

Terror Moses, Matt Records.

I'm Ash.

OK.

One syllable names are very 2014.

Ash Ram.

OK, yeah!

What do you say, Ash Ram?

You ready to reimagine the industry?

Yeah, totally.

I should probably point out I don't have any tunes yet.

A singer-songwriter who doesn't play songs...

Fucking utopia. Is yeah, no, yeah, sign here.

Oh.

No way, if you think I'm ready to let you lot use the hall again,

you are very much mistaken.

Sylvia, please, you could be a judge.

What?

Crushing the hopes of some poor tone-deaf dreamer

whose family haven't got the heart to tell him

he'll never be the next Robbie Williams?

Yeah, all right. Sounds like a laugh.

Hey, girl, let's not be coy...

I'm just a girl and you're just a boy.

I'm just a boy that wants to have sex, you're just a girl...

Ooh, yeah, oh, wooh, oh, wooh!

Ah, yeah, come on.

You burger meal, argh.

OK, Sloman, thanks.

OK.

? When the war ends, you're going to be begging me for sex. ?

Next.

? If you're lucky you might fuck me. ?

No.

Oh, oh.

Yeah.

Next.

? Dur, dur, dur, dur, dur dur ,dur, dur. ?

No.

I think that went quite well. What part of that went quite well?

Hello? I got three stars on level 14.

Maybe if you'd been concentrating instead of playing that...

Dru, for God's sake!

Do you know, Ash was right, it is all about you.

You shouldn't be playing it when we're trying to find a new act, should you?

Boys!

Believe me, this isn't the first time I've broken up a fight.

Now, you clearly don't work together as a duo.

So either go solo, or you can go with big Dave.

I'm going solo. I'm going solo!

Hey, Ash Ram, welcome to my work space.

Much less stifling than some office. Way more practical.

Actually, it's Asthma, OK?

I'm reinventing myself every three hours.

A totes fond. Totally fond of. It's the new amaze balls.

Who are those people outside?

They're your fans, Asthma, you're really trending.

You know, oh Indifferent called, they want to do an Q & A,

I said you'd only do it in Braille, they weren't fussed either way.

Oh and MTV want to film you doing the first ever gig in space.

Wo, ho, ho, that's cool!

Awful, I know, right?

Who even watches MTV any more? It's not 2010, you know.

How amazing for me to have just said that.

Great stuff, Amy. Thanks for responding to the ad.

I'm going on tour next week, so I'm in desperate need of a new partner.

You know, someone to create with and share ideas with and...

Well, maybe even share a part of ourselves.

Up next, Loose Women.

Sorry, next door neighbour, thin walls.

Hello, welcome to Loose Women with Carol Vorderman.

Mm, Carol Vorderman.

It would actually be perfect for me right now.

Jane, Jane, Jane, ooh.

My old band just split up too, you see.

Denise, you filth pit.

So I'd love to, love to team up.

Well, I'm at the moment...

Fuck me, Carol McGiffin.

Well, I do like Medium Pimpin' so...

All right, you're in. Great, thank you.

Well, Will was mainly a lyrics guy, so that'll be your job. Sure.

God, he could craft a mean verse.

All you touch, all you see is all your life will ever be. Wow.

I mean, what about you? Do you have any ideas for that song?

Yeah, sure.

Me and my band mates

We called it quits.

? But now it's me and your amazing... ?

Breasts?

Maybe for the chorus?

Do you know, on second thoughts, I just...

What? No, I can only write at night by moonlight

in my pyjamas, obviously.

Listen, I'll get something to you by tomorrow morning, I promise.

Today's guest, Janet Street-Porter.

Oh, what is it? My birthday?

All right, see you later. Thanks so much for coming.

See you later.

Argh!

Ket Magazine, any plans to actually record a song?

For me, music is much more than just the songs.

It's a wind on a cool summer's breeze.

It's a dying baby swan's last cry to its mother.

It's the echo of a memory of a moment lost in time.

Can you sign my boobs, please? Yes, I can. Come here.

Ash's got to go. Sorry everyone.

Hey Ronnie, come to see the whole At thing in motion, huh?

Yeah, for some reason, my little sister has temporarily lost

her marbles and put posters of you up all over her wall.

What, Hope's on the At train too? That's cool.

Maybe I can get you one as well if you play your cards right.

Thanks, but I'll pass, I already had to dry my face on this,

this morning.

You're doing a record signing and you don't even have a record.

My God, Ronnie, it's At.

I always knew you were the most talented one.

Oh, I get why you're mad.

You want me to paint the bingo hall, don't you? What?

A homecoming gig. Class.

Yeah, we'll just need to get someone from the venues to sign paperwork.

Yeah, not going to happen. Allow me.

Fincredible. Fucking incredible.

OK, so it took me all night but I finally came up with

something that I think you're going to love, OK.

And a one, two, three, four.

What do you think? I mean, obviously it needs work.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go with my backup.

Hi, big Dave?

One day we're friends for ever

Next day we're friends for never

You say

You say

We're best friends

I say

He says

Till the end

Our friendship's like a slice of chocolate cake

You're the icing

You'd be the sponge

When we're together we become

A perfect way to end the perfect dinner time

Quite substantial glass of wine

A tasty mint goes down a treat and helps my

Indigestion

Digest this factual piece of evidence

I'm your butter

You're my toast

The gravy on my Sunday roast

I'm not a fan of your roasts

What do you mean?

You told me that you liked the one I cooked the other day

I don't remember

You said you liked the sprouts

I don't know what to say

Then you should shut your mouth

One day we're friends for ever

Go take some singing lessons

What was that?

Nothing, twat

You're a prick

Eat my shit

No, thank you it wouldn't be nice

One day we're friends, the next we're not

It's so confusing, the whys and what's

What the hell, I thought that we were friends just now,

then I remembered we had a row.

Oh, yeah.

We're like Brad Pitt and Angela

but we don't have a child from Cambodia,

I'm sick and tired of us having no fun.

Stop being pussies and go and work your problems out son

because I'm done.

One day we bond together

One day we're born.

Next day it's stormy weather

Next day we're torn.

You say

You say we're not friends

I say

He says

Fuck you bender

One day there'll be love like brothers

Next day it's...

Fuck your mother

No offence tell your mum I think she's quite nice

? That particular dig was directed at you and not your mother. ?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage, A.

All I want to do is do it, love me, love me, love me, love me.

Oh, God.

Let's start from the top.

You were formerly in a band called The Midnight Beast.

Whatever, sure, it doesn't matter.

So now that you've gone solo, do you miss your other band mates?

Well...

I think I've survived on my own, right? Yeah? Yeah?

Am I right?

What's your vision? My vision is to...

Oh, my God, did I miss it?

Classy, Hope.

I see music as a fluid, yeah?

OK, like water or Umbungo.

Play a song.

To me, songs are more like ideas.

OMG, a song would be so subversive right now.

I think, yeah, I think they want to hear a song, I think.

I really don't have the right equipment.

I think...

I think yeah, we want a song, right? Yeah, let's have a song.

Play a song, play a song.

All right, Stethoscope?

Oh, dear. I know that face all too well.

You've got scurvy, haven't you?

What? No.

I tried to branch out on my own but I couldn't cope without the guys.

Well, then talk to Druandra.

Can't you see you guys belong together.

Like Jordan and Peter Andre.

Or Jordan and Alex Reid.

Or Jordan and Gareth Gates.

Or Jordan and Dane Bowers.

Or Jordan and Dwight Yorke.

Sloman, I'm a guy.

I could never tell him I was wrong.

We do kind of still share the flat.

I suppose if Sloman's worried, then something really is wrong.

What do you say we Berlin Wall this motherfucker.

Gay bar.

Finally the old gang are back together, let's just sit back, relax

and remember it's just been the three of us since the very start.

Uh-oh.

He's been called the musician who defined a generation,

but now a local gig has turned sour after the artist formerly

known as Ash has refused to play.

The crowd are chanting,

rioting and some are even throwing their own excrement.

Shit.

Oh, well, bet he's regretting leaving.

Right, who wants to pay squash sardines?

Our boy needs us. To the bingo hall.

Dru, not now.

I never get to take her.

And I'm alone again.

Or am I.

You.

What are you guys doing here? We thought you could use some help.

I don't know what you mean, everything's going great. Argh.

Right fine, I can't survive without you guys.

We kind of couldn't survive without you either.

The truth is, I've been secretly taping your night time

ramblings and using them as lyrics for years.

You write really good songs when you're unconscious.

What are we going to do about them?

Look, I think it's time the midnight and the beast joined forces.

And I've got the perfect song, are you ready?

And a one, two, three, four.

I mean, obviously it needs work.

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