Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,679
'If you're a dirty ho,
leave a message at the tone.'
2
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:44,159
'This is Mum.
Dad says you're off on holiday.
3
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,959
'Now, if you're swimming in the sea,
you'll need your cream
4
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,759
'or you'll get that nasty rash
all the way up inside your...'
5
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,999
She is so anal. Right, checklist.
6
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,439
Check. No, you don't check
the checklist.
7
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,719
Sorry, just so excited. Holiday!
8
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,439
OK. Camera?
9
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:01,959
Check.
10
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,319
Ash! Holiday reading.
11
00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:08,320
That'll do.
12
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,479
And passports?
13
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,959
Got it. What? Your passport?
14
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,079
No, man, massive pube.
15
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,359
Look at this bad boy,
been growing it all year.
16
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,479
Dru, focus.
Have you got your passport?
17
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,879
Don't worry, I got them.
18
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,639
God, can't wait to have myself
a holiday romance.
19
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:25,919
Foreign girls love this.
20
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,919
Yeah, only because they can't stand
the bollocks you're talking.
21
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,199
Don't forget the historic sights,
the exotic food, the local culture.
22
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,159
Yeah, well, I'm just going to stick
a towel on the sunbed
23
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,279
and have myself a beer.
24
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:39,719
Yeah, treat yourself.
25
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,720
You know, I literally can't think
of a better use for that money.
26
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,799
Having a buzz through
the lens of my iPhone
27
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,599
Collecting up pictures I can show
off when I'm back home
28
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,959
Missing real memories
Picking an Instagram effect
29
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,999
Selfie on the beach with a pout
that I perfected
30
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,559
Topless as expected Valencia selected
31
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,679
I'm into right treat
But I got auto-corrected, twat
32
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:14,799
Snoop Dogg-ify a cat
33
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,959
Feel swanky in a Topman vest
34
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,639
And a old base cap back
35
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,239
Picture of a deckchair
Add a little lens flare
36
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,879
Tag no filter
Even though I use Mayfair
37
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,679
Oh, that's an Instascam
38
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,999
I'm going Instahang out the box
Like an instant parallelogram
39
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,879
With my Instafella
Snapping pics in Amsterdam
40
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,879
Can't blame the red-eye
on my phone, man
41
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,559
The light's not making any sense
42
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,999
Piss! But shit, it was 69 pence
43
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,599
We're all going on a summer holiday
44
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,919
Summer holiday, summer holiday
45
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,639
We're all going on a summer holiday
46
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:50,199
? For a week or two. ?
47
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,279
Showing up for my Facebook wall
48
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,079
Lovely panorama of the tits
round the pool, hashtag
49
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,759
No filter, hashtag
No friends, hashtag
50
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,359
I lost 'em all when I cropped 'em
off the end, hashtag
51
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,079
Colours flash in the sea like an expo
52
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,479
Bustin' out pics in my Instacue
53
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,479
Forever searching for a Wi-Fi code
to upload
54
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,639
Out of data. My network can suck
and choke
55
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,519
Ever seen a video
of three crabs mating?
56
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,759
Ever seen a video
of Cheddar cheese grating?
57
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,799
Ever seen a video you're moaning, oh
58
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,239
Your family are cheering
and you spot that I'm masturbating
59
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,879
Er, no
Me neither
60
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:25,279
Let's take a breather
61
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,839
I got carried away
cos I got Instafever
62
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,399
So if you feel like we feel
We've got the instadope
63
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,199
Women working smarty phones
Sing the chorus that goes
64
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,439
We're all goin' on a summer holiday
65
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:37,959
Summer holiday, summer holiday
66
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,759
We're all goin' on a summer holiday
67
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,760
? For a week or two, two. ?
68
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,839
Er, what's this?
69
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:53,679
Oh, that passport photo was shit,
but don't worry I replaced it.
70
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,680
Replaced it with what?
71
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:04,640
Done it for you guys too.
You're welcome.
72
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,559
What?
73
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,399
Oh, it'll be fine.
74
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:15,400
How important can a passport photo
actually be?
75
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:21,200
Turns out pretty fucking important.
76
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,079
I knew I should have done them
in black and white.
77
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,519
I'm sorry, guys, it's all my fault.
78
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,519
Hey, don't worry about it, mate.
It was a nice idea.
79
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,559
As long as we're all together.
80
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,039
I'll never go abroad now.
81
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,479
I'm sorry, guys.
82
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,479
Die! Die! Die! Die!
83
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,439
Don't give it a second thought, mate.
84
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:45,440
I'm sure I'll think of something.
85
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,359
Told you I'd think of something.
86
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:52,759
Are we going on a road trip?
87
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:56,760
No need. We're already here.
88
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,680
What's here?
Ta-dah! Our holiday.
89
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,599
Are we there yet?
Yes, that's what I just said.
90
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,359
This is going to be the best
holiday ever. Thanks, Stef.
91
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,839
All right, love,
fancy a full English?
92
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:17,199
Fuck off, creep.
Language barrier.
93
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,200
Our rep Ed should be here
any minute.
94
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,439
Welcome.
95
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,440
It's my job to make sure that you
have a great time and a safe time.
96
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,719
Now... You never really get to know
a place until you've got a great rep.
97
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,759
He's not a rep,
he's a fucking car park attendant,
98
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:40,519
and who are they meant to be then,
the locals? So authentic!
99
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,639
This place is amazing.
100
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:46,359
You know it.
Welcome to the good life.
101
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,759
Can I get a "good"?
102
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,039
Can I get a...?
103
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,719
Whoo-ho-ho-ho-hooo!
Oh, now that's a Eddy no-no,
104
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,719
because you've got to pop on
the old helmet.
105
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,720
Now, there.
Now you're really having fun.
106
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,639
Cheers, Ed.
107
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,200
Stay as long as you like.
Stay forever.
108
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,439
Please, stay forever.
109
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,440
The only thing he's repping is
lonely fucking nut bags.
110
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,959
Cheese!
111
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:15,999
Too bright.
112
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,999
I mean, you want safe fun.
113
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,999
Oh, oh, oh, what's that?
114
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,000
Put in �3.50, my friend.
115
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,919
Push that button there.
116
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,359
Your very own parking voucher.
117
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,119
Now that's valid for five hours.
118
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,519
We don't even have a car.
119
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,159
You want the space,
you need a valid voucher.
120
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,959
Oi! Leg it.
121
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,119
We'll hang out later, yeah?
122
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,039
Fucking hope not.
Well, I don't know what to do first.
123
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,399
Well, I know what I'm going to do
first, and last,
124
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,279
and all the ones in between.
125
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:54,319
Oh, fuck's...
What? I'm on holiday too.
126
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,999
Ash!
127
00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:00,000
Sun cream.
128
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,839
"Dear Sloman,
we're having an amazing holiday.
129
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,559
"This place has got everything."
130
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,799
Holiday!
131
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,519
"A pool."
132
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,439
Dru, Dru, suck it.
133
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,999
Ha-ha! Whoo!
134
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,999
"And great recreational facilities."
135
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,639
Stef, Dru, I found a bike thing,
yeah.
136
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,039
"Our rep's called Ed."
137
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,159
There's one.
138
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:34,160
"He reminds me of you."
That's the elephant.
139
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,520
"I'm learning new things every day.
140
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,039
"The accommodation is
nearly perfect.
141
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,479
"We had a small leak...
142
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,559
"..but it didn't last long.
143
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:52,560
"The locals seem nice, especially
this one girl I've got my eye on.
144
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,159
"Love...
145
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,160
"Ash."
146
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,039
Oh, hummus. I don't want any
of that foreign bollocks,
147
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,439
I'll get the squits. Dru, we're
on holiday, you've got to try new things.
148
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:16,440
I am. I'm mixing Fosters and
Strongbow, and I call it Fongbow.
149
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,360
What! Pineapple, on a pizza?
150
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:26,320
That's mad.
151
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,279
That's �34.44.
152
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,999
Thanks. Um, shit.
153
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,199
Do you accept euros?
154
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,279
You changed all our money
into euros?
155
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:40,280
What are we supposed to do now,
sell hand jobs to the homeless?
156
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,279
This is the best holiday ever, Stef.
157
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,559
I'm glad I screwed up the passports
because there's loads to do here.
158
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:53,200
Well, you just enjoy spending
some quality time with us.
159
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,879
Bless him. He's had a busy day.
160
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,719
Holidays aren't meant to be busy.
You've made us do too much.
161
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,199
But that's what makes holidays fun.
That's what Mum did.
162
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,999
Yeah, well I'm thinking of fucking
off, and that's what Dad did.
163
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,359
Look, you can't do that to Ash.
164
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,360
Plus, you'd miss the posh dinner
I've got planned for our last night.
165
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:17,200
I heard you boys were offering
hand jobs for the homeless.
166
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:22,000
I hate holidays.
167
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,319
Wake up! Wake up!
168
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,479
Holiday!
169
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,519
Shut up, I'm hung over.
170
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,599
You shouldn't have had
so much to drink then. Coming, Ash.
171
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,359
That kid is so annoying.
172
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,719
Stef, I want to learn
how to ride my bike.
173
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,279
Someone teach me? Dru?
174
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,519
Another lovely day in Club Ed.
Can I get a girl?
175
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:46,879
Can I get a life?
176
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:50,880
Oh, for fuck... Come on then.
177
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:53,839
Dru?
178
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,840
Watch me, Dru.
Yes, great. Do another lap.
179
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:04,360
Oh! Can't you play somewhere else?
Go shell collecting or something.
180
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:08,440
There aren't any shells, Dru.
How about cans then?
181
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,279
And how's everything here?
182
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:22,279
All right, yeah, yeah. Mind you,
there's been some new arrivals.
183
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:25,439
Weird fellas. Might need your help.
184
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:29,440
Hang on, here's one of them now.
185
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,439
Hey there.
Hey there. How's it going?
186
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:41,199
I'm very well. Thanks for asking,
and what about you?
187
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:45,200
Are you all right?
Definitely. I'm on holiday.
188
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:49,239
Of course you are.
Oh, what's that you're reading?
189
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,519
Oh, just a clever book
about plates.
190
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,559
Oh, it's amazing how you can
keep your sense of humour.
191
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,759
Thanks. Would it be too much
to ask for your number?
192
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:02,760
Of course.
193
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,399
Wow, it's never been that easy.
194
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,359
Oh, it should always be easy to get
a number off someone like me.
195
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,639
Yes. It should always be that easy.
196
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,359
Thanks for being so easy.
197
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,719
I'm Jess. Call me any time.
198
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:18,720
Day or especially night, because
I know that's when it's hardest.
199
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,879
To be honest, it's pretty hard
day... and night.
200
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,439
I'm sure it is.
201
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,799
Well, the next time it gets really
hard, you come to the home.
202
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,800
Will do, Jess. Will do.
203
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:36,480
You brave, brave man.
204
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,700
Holiday romance. Check.
205
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,199
So, I met a girl.
206
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,200
Yeah, you told us ten times
in the last 30 seconds already.
207
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:59,759
Bad luck.
208
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:03,760
Let him win.
209
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,119
OI!
210
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,679
That's an Eddy no-no.
211
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,839
Can she come to the posh dinner
tonight, Stef?
212
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,719
Well, it was meant to just be
the three of us.
213
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,119
Please, Stef. I think
she might be the one...
214
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,959
who I get off with on this holiday.
215
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,199
All right, if it means
so much to you, she can come.
216
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,200
Right, mega Eddy no-no. Your last
parking voucher expired ages ago.
217
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,279
I can bend the rules a little
but not for much longer.
218
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,559
I mean, even if
you are my best mates.
219
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:37,119
Now, why wasn't I invited to this?!
220
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,159
Hey, I think I saw someone taking
a massive shit on the ticket machine,
221
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,399
and they weren't wearing a helmet.
222
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,759
Big Eddy no-no.
223
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,760
Told you, nut bag.
224
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,799
Thanks for the soup, Jess.
225
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:59,119
Very posh. Yeah, it's nicer than anything
he's ever done for us.
226
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,679
All he's brought us is fucking
marshmallows. About as posh as my arsehole.
227
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,999
Have you got something to say?
Anything I can do to help.
228
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:10,000
It's so nice of you to
have me... here.
229
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,319
It's amazing how resourceful
you people can be.
230
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:16,320
Yes, so glad you could join us on
our final night together on holiday.
231
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,839
Final night, thank God.
232
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,599
How dare you.
233
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,279
Excuse us. Can we talk?
234
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:27,039
Who do you think you are? Lighting a little
cigarette while I'm here, slaving away,
235
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:31,040
trying to make this work and you're just sitting
there slagging it off, giving it a critique.
236
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,239
I mean, how old are you now?
237
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,479
Like, take some responsibility,
mate.
238
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,639
What's up?
239
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,559
What are you doing?
240
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:43,479
Jess, it's really hard. Ash, oi!
241
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,239
But I thought, you gave me
your number, so...
242
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,079
Yeah, for the helpline!
243
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:49,799
But you wanted to take me home.
244
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,079
I don't want to take you home,
I want to take you to a home.
245
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,079
Look, I don't mind where we
do it, baby!
246
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,079
Slap, slap, slap...
247
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,759
BUT, JESS, IT'S SO HARD!
248
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,760
Fuck!
249
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:14,160
Guys. What are you doing?
250
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,839
Food fight!
251
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,840
Food fight!
252
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:28,239
Yeah, you can't really have a food
fight with marshmallows, can you?
253
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,799
Well, how about this?
254
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,959
Ah! What the fuck?!
255
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,960
Right, hot-soup fights
are a mega Eddy no-no.
256
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,239
What the fuck? That's tea!
257
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:46,199
Look, I know this is fun but it's
not safe, and it isn't fun - and,
258
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:50,200
and I can't emphasise this enough,
seriously, why wasn't I invited?
259
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,719
But, Ed, we were going to...
260
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,159
No. No more bending the rules.
261
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,799
You haven't had a valid parking
voucher for over 24 hours.
262
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,919
That's a �500 fine.
263
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,839
Dru, what the hell
are we going to do?
264
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:04,840
Give a fuck, I've made other plans.
265
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,039
Since when do pizza guys
have sidecars?
266
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,959
Since this.
267
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,559
Oh, come on, mate.
268
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,799
Do you know how ridiculous you look?
269
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,479
No.
270
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,840
Step on it.
271
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:24,200
Oh, come on, mate,
I did a good ending bit there.
272
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,999
Fine.
Nobody's having a good time anyway.
273
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,639
I'm killing myself trying to make
this shit holiday work.
274
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,640
You don't even want to be here
and Ash just wants a shag.
275
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,479
No, Ash, I didn't...
276
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:42,480
Time for a quickie?
Fuck off.
277
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,839
What are you doing?
278
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,039
That thing they do in films.
279
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,159
Throwing cans around?
280
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:01,039
Thinking.
281
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,079
This is the worst holiday ever.
282
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:08,080
First, I ruined the passports
and you, you think I'm all homeless.
283
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:12,239
Stef's angry and Dru's run away
with the pizza man.
284
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:16,240
I tried so hard to have a good time.
285
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:21,640
It's all my fault.
286
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,599
You know that's piss, right?
287
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,839
Twix, please, mate.
288
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,679
Rough day?
289
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:31,679
What's wrong?
290
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:35,680
When my dad walked out on us, he said
he was going to get a Twix and now...
291
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,839
Families can be tough.
292
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,840
Mine were all in the army,
so they were fucking tough.
293
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,079
How could he do it, Mum?
294
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,399
I've been trying so hard to give
the guys a nice holiday,
295
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:55,400
just like you used to,
but they don't appreciate me.
296
00:16:56,240 --> 00:17:00,079
Oh, sweetheart. People show
their appreciation in different ways.
297
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,479
They don't always...
298
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,439
..mean what they say, they get
angry and stuff just blurts out
299
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,039
but you've got to show them...
300
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,799
..what you're made of.
301
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,719
Now, when I was in the army,
we had a quitter.
302
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:13,559
He wasn't a quitter for long,
if you know what I...
303
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:17,239
..meanies, bullies, but that's
not them. It's just a coping...
304
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:21,240
..mechanism of the pigmy hippopotamus
develops during musk.
305
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,079
I don't need those guys to have fun.
306
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,999
I can just sit here and learn
something...
307
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,439
..tells me that you're not a quitter.
308
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,799
Now I've killed 14 men
and let me tell you...
309
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,800
..what you should do is go back, find Stef
and do something nice for him too.
310
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:42,160
Many hippopotamuses around one
watering hole can lead to a...
311
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,679
..bloodbath!
312
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,439
Now, are you having that Twix or not?
313
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,439
Not a problem, sweetheart.
Try to relax.
314
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,199
You know, you're on holiday too,
it's all just...
315
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:57,200
12 metric tons of dung?!
316
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:58,919
I love you.
317
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,599
I love you too.
318
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,079
I love you.
319
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,359
Don't push it.
320
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:07,039
I love you.
321
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:10,319
Get out!
Snickers it is.
322
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:14,320
Changed my mind.
AH!
323
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,919
Stef, I'm sorry man. You were just
trying to give us a nice holiday
324
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,239
and I was a total dick,
but thanks for everything, man.
325
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:44,240
I'm sorry, too. Thanks for,
well, nothing... but you know.
326
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,039
Come on.
Hey, looking for someone?
327
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,679
Well, no, but, hey, man,
where have you been?
328
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,639
Oh, just paying our parking fine.
329
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,399
Where did you get
the money for that?
330
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,640
NOT from selling hand jobs to the
homeless, that's for sure.
331
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,319
OK, well, we'll definitely
chat about that when we get home
332
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,319
but, er, thanks, mate.
333
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,039
Hug it out, bitches. Come here.
334
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,919
Hey, come in. Bring it in.
335
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,239
Yeah, just don't...
It's good to see you again.
336
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,999
Don't, maybe don't hold my hand.
337
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,040
I want to grow old with you guys.
338
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,279
When I'm old,
will I still say shit?
339
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,839
When I'm old, will I still
look at porn a little bit?
340
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,119
Will I still have sex?
341
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,519
Correction, try and have sex
342
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:29,279
With a flaccid erection
Wearing a dumb cap doing shitty rap
343
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,439
Maybe I'll be fucking awesome
in Gap hat?
344
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,279
Rolling in the Jaguar
Popping a Viagra
345
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,399
Fellas are jealous
But ladies think I look like Hefner
346
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,399
I wake up, different girl each time
347
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,799
I don't know her name, though -
Alzheimer's
348
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:41,559
I wake up, different girl each time
349
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,079
And, shit, I've done the same bit
again - Alzheimer's
350
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,279
The Midnight Beast
Still raise the roof
351
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,479
Still getting crocked
with the tick-tock screws
352
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,839
60 years and I'm still going strong
353
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,879
I'd still be dancing
but my back's gone
354
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,559
When I grow older
355
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,519
When I grow older
356
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,520
Still getting intoxicated,
every day inebriated
357
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,879
I'm dead
Just kidding
358
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,959
How else would you hear me, dummy?
359
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,679
I'm an antique, start bidding
360
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,999
The other pensioners look at me
funny
361
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,679
Cos they know, they know I'm into
I'm crashing the party
362
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,519
In the club, Horlicks, Bacardi
363
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,679
Never go home,
granddaughter's unhappy
364
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,119
Keep coming
when I fill up my nappy
365
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:24,839
When I'm old, will I play dumb?
366
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,159
Sitting in my armchair
sparking a bong
367
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,439
It's for glaucoma,
not an addiction
368
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,279
Ask the doctor, it's prescription
369
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,199
When I'm old,
will I eat at Hooters?
370
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,679
End up getting head
on a mobility scooter
371
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,839
Still playing Fifa,
smoking the reefer
372
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,679
Grandsons all getting
wanked in Ibiza
373
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,759
When I grow older
374
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,479
When I grow older
375
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:48,399
Still getting wasted
and then getting resuscitated
376
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,679
When I'm old,
will I still look fly?
377
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,519
Kissing them girls
Making them cry
378
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,119
Still got the guns
Still got the eyebrows
379
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,759
What? I'm fit
There's no need to lie now
380
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,359
Playing bowls
back in the car park
381
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,479
Gambling money
Buying chinos in Primark
382
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,759
When I'm old,
will I still have orgies?
383
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,719
Young women in their early 40s
384
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,879
Hard life, hard death
385
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,959
The ladies love me and...
386
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,079
G-Y-L-F
387
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,279
Grandad you like to sh...
388
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,639
Let's have a game of strip...
chase
389
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,439
The ladies love me cos I
390
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,559
Still got libido
Still rock my Speedos
391
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,919
Banned from the pool
cos I look like a paedo...
392
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,199
But I'm not a paedo,
I'm honestly not a paedo.
393
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,599
? When I grow older... ?
394
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,879
Let's go back
and get a couple of beers, yeah?
395
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:33,880
No beers yet. There's something
I want to do first.
396
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:40,279
Dru, don't let go. Dru! Dru! Go, Ash.
397
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,959
Ha-ha.
You watching me, Stef?
398
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,519
Yeah, I just said "Go, Ash."
399
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:48,039
Guys, the brakes have been cut.
The brakes!
400
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,039
The brakes!
401
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,960
Ahh!
402
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:11,080
No deaths at Club Ed.
Death is an Eddy no-no.
403
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:14,199
Sorry we didn't invite you to stuff,
Ed, and thanks for saving Ash.
404
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:15,959
What are best friends for?
405
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,799
Also, I cut the brakes so...
you know.
406
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,879
Yeah, sorry, dude,
I thought you'd had it, man.
407
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,839
No worries. Thanks for staying.
408
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,080
I kind of like it here. Really?
Nooo!
409
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,359
See you later, guys.
410
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,039
See you next year, Ed.
411
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,279
Oh, don't forget your camera.
412
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:42,439
Couple of memories on there for you.
413
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,440
See you soon, Jess.
414
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,279
Do you even work here?
415
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:54,879
I do not, madam.
416
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:55,941
Ah-ah...
417
00:22:55,991 --> 00:23:00,541
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