Original subtitles

'If you're a dirty ho, leave a message at the tone.'

'This is Mum. Dad says you're off on holiday.

'Now, if you're swimming in the sea, you'll need your cream

'or you'll get that nasty rash all the way up inside your...'

She is so anal. Right, checklist.

Check. No, you don't check the checklist.

Sorry, just so excited. Holiday!

OK. Camera?

Check.

Ash! Holiday reading.

That'll do.

And passports?

Got it. What? Your passport?

No, man, massive pube.

Look at this bad boy, been growing it all year.

Dru, focus. Have you got your passport?

Don't worry, I got them.

God, can't wait to have myself a holiday romance.

Foreign girls love this.

Yeah, only because they can't stand the bollocks you're talking.

Don't forget the historic sights, the exotic food, the local culture.

Yeah, well, I'm just going to stick a towel on the sunbed

and have myself a beer.

Yeah, treat yourself.

You know, I literally can't think of a better use for that money.

Having a buzz through the lens of my iPhone

Collecting up pictures I can show off when I'm back home

Missing real memories Picking an Instagram effect

Selfie on the beach with a pout that I perfected

Topless as expected Valencia selected

I'm into right treat But I got auto-corrected, twat

Snoop Dogg-ify a cat

Feel swanky in a Topman vest

And a old base cap back

Picture of a deckchair Add a little lens flare

Tag no filter Even though I use Mayfair

Oh, that's an Instascam

I'm going Instahang out the box Like an instant parallelogram

With my Instafella Snapping pics in Amsterdam

Can't blame the red-eye on my phone, man

The light's not making any sense

Piss! But shit, it was 69 pence

We're all going on a summer holiday

Summer holiday, summer holiday

We're all going on a summer holiday

? For a week or two. ?

Showing up for my Facebook wall

Lovely panorama of the tits round the pool, hashtag

No filter, hashtag No friends, hashtag

I lost 'em all when I cropped 'em off the end, hashtag

Colours flash in the sea like an expo

Bustin' out pics in my Instacue

Forever searching for a Wi-Fi code to upload

Out of data. My network can suck and choke

Ever seen a video of three crabs mating?

Ever seen a video of Cheddar cheese grating?

Ever seen a video you're moaning, oh

Your family are cheering and you spot that I'm masturbating

Er, no Me neither

Let's take a breather

I got carried away cos I got Instafever

So if you feel like we feel We've got the instadope

Women working smarty phones Sing the chorus that goes

We're all goin' on a summer holiday

Summer holiday, summer holiday

We're all goin' on a summer holiday

? For a week or two, two. ?

Er, what's this?

Oh, that passport photo was shit, but don't worry I replaced it.

Replaced it with what?

Done it for you guys too. You're welcome.

What?

Oh, it'll be fine.

How important can a passport photo actually be?

Turns out pretty fucking important.

I knew I should have done them in black and white.

I'm sorry, guys, it's all my fault.

Hey, don't worry about it, mate. It was a nice idea.

As long as we're all together.

I'll never go abroad now.

I'm sorry, guys.

Die! Die! Die! Die!

Don't give it a second thought, mate.

I'm sure I'll think of something.

Told you I'd think of something.

Are we going on a road trip?

No need. We're already here.

What's here? Ta-dah! Our holiday.

Are we there yet? Yes, that's what I just said.

This is going to be the best holiday ever. Thanks, Stef.

All right, love, fancy a full English?

Fuck off, creep. Language barrier.

Our rep Ed should be here any minute.

Welcome.

It's my job to make sure that you have a great time and a safe time.

Now... You never really get to know a place until you've got a great rep.

He's not a rep, he's a fucking car park attendant,

and who are they meant to be then, the locals? So authentic!

This place is amazing.

You know it. Welcome to the good life.

Can I get a "good"?

Can I get a...?

Whoo-ho-ho-ho-hooo! Oh, now that's a Eddy no-no,

because you've got to pop on the old helmet.

Now, there. Now you're really having fun.

Cheers, Ed.

Stay as long as you like. Stay forever.

Please, stay forever.

The only thing he's repping is lonely fucking nut bags.

Cheese!

Too bright.

I mean, you want safe fun.

Oh, oh, oh, what's that?

Put in �3.50, my friend.

Push that button there.

Your very own parking voucher.

Now that's valid for five hours.

We don't even have a car.

You want the space, you need a valid voucher.

Oi! Leg it.

We'll hang out later, yeah?

Fucking hope not. Well, I don't know what to do first.

Well, I know what I'm going to do first, and last,

and all the ones in between.

Oh, fuck's... What? I'm on holiday too.

Ash!

Sun cream.

"Dear Sloman, we're having an amazing holiday.

"This place has got everything."

Holiday!

"A pool."

Dru, Dru, suck it.

Ha-ha! Whoo!

"And great recreational facilities."

Stef, Dru, I found a bike thing, yeah.

"Our rep's called Ed."

There's one.

"He reminds me of you." That's the elephant.

"I'm learning new things every day.

"The accommodation is nearly perfect.

"We had a small leak...

"..but it didn't last long.

"The locals seem nice, especially this one girl I've got my eye on.

"Love...

"Ash."

Oh, hummus. I don't want any of that foreign bollocks,

I'll get the squits. Dru, we're on holiday, you've got to try new things.

I am. I'm mixing Fosters and Strongbow, and I call it Fongbow.

What! Pineapple, on a pizza?

That's mad.

That's �34.44.

Thanks. Um, shit.

Do you accept euros?

You changed all our money into euros?

What are we supposed to do now, sell hand jobs to the homeless?

This is the best holiday ever, Stef.

I'm glad I screwed up the passports because there's loads to do here.

Well, you just enjoy spending some quality time with us.

Bless him. He's had a busy day.

Holidays aren't meant to be busy. You've made us do too much.

But that's what makes holidays fun. That's what Mum did.

Yeah, well I'm thinking of fucking off, and that's what Dad did.

Look, you can't do that to Ash.

Plus, you'd miss the posh dinner I've got planned for our last night.

I heard you boys were offering hand jobs for the homeless.

I hate holidays.

Wake up! Wake up!

Holiday!

Shut up, I'm hung over.

You shouldn't have had so much to drink then. Coming, Ash.

That kid is so annoying.

Stef, I want to learn how to ride my bike.

Someone teach me? Dru?

Another lovely day in Club Ed. Can I get a girl?

Can I get a life?

Oh, for fuck... Come on then.

Dru?

Watch me, Dru. Yes, great. Do another lap.

Oh! Can't you play somewhere else? Go shell collecting or something.

There aren't any shells, Dru. How about cans then?

And how's everything here?

All right, yeah, yeah. Mind you, there's been some new arrivals.

Weird fellas. Might need your help.

Hang on, here's one of them now.

Hey there. Hey there. How's it going?

I'm very well. Thanks for asking, and what about you?

Are you all right? Definitely. I'm on holiday.

Of course you are. Oh, what's that you're reading?

Oh, just a clever book about plates.

Oh, it's amazing how you can keep your sense of humour.

Thanks. Would it be too much to ask for your number?

Of course.

Wow, it's never been that easy.

Oh, it should always be easy to get a number off someone like me.

Yes. It should always be that easy.

Thanks for being so easy.

I'm Jess. Call me any time.

Day or especially night, because I know that's when it's hardest.

To be honest, it's pretty hard day... and night.

I'm sure it is.

Well, the next time it gets really hard, you come to the home.

Will do, Jess. Will do.

You brave, brave man.

Holiday romance. Check.

So, I met a girl.

Yeah, you told us ten times in the last 30 seconds already.

Bad luck.

Let him win.

OI!

That's an Eddy no-no.

Can she come to the posh dinner tonight, Stef?

Well, it was meant to just be the three of us.

Please, Stef. I think she might be the one...

who I get off with on this holiday.

All right, if it means so much to you, she can come.

Right, mega Eddy no-no. Your last parking voucher expired ages ago.

I can bend the rules a little but not for much longer.

I mean, even if you are my best mates.

Now, why wasn't I invited to this?!

Hey, I think I saw someone taking a massive shit on the ticket machine,

and they weren't wearing a helmet.

Big Eddy no-no.

Told you, nut bag.

Thanks for the soup, Jess.

Very posh. Yeah, it's nicer than anything he's ever done for us.

All he's brought us is fucking marshmallows. About as posh as my arsehole.

Have you got something to say? Anything I can do to help.

It's so nice of you to have me... here.

It's amazing how resourceful you people can be.

Yes, so glad you could join us on our final night together on holiday.

Final night, thank God.

How dare you.

Excuse us. Can we talk?

Who do you think you are? Lighting a little cigarette while I'm here, slaving away,

trying to make this work and you're just sitting there slagging it off, giving it a critique.

I mean, how old are you now?

Like, take some responsibility, mate.

What's up?

What are you doing?

Jess, it's really hard. Ash, oi!

But I thought, you gave me your number, so...

Yeah, for the helpline!

But you wanted to take me home.

I don't want to take you home, I want to take you to a home.

Look, I don't mind where we do it, baby!

Slap, slap, slap...

BUT, JESS, IT'S SO HARD!

Fuck!

Guys. What are you doing?

Food fight!

Food fight!

Yeah, you can't really have a food fight with marshmallows, can you?

Well, how about this?

Ah! What the fuck?!

Right, hot-soup fights are a mega Eddy no-no.

What the fuck? That's tea!

Look, I know this is fun but it's not safe, and it isn't fun - and,

and I can't emphasise this enough, seriously, why wasn't I invited?

But, Ed, we were going to...

No. No more bending the rules.

You haven't had a valid parking voucher for over 24 hours.

That's a �500 fine.

Dru, what the hell are we going to do?

Give a fuck, I've made other plans.

Since when do pizza guys have sidecars?

Since this.

Oh, come on, mate.

Do you know how ridiculous you look?

No.

Step on it.

Oh, come on, mate, I did a good ending bit there.

Fine. Nobody's having a good time anyway.

I'm killing myself trying to make this shit holiday work.

You don't even want to be here and Ash just wants a shag.

No, Ash, I didn't...

Time for a quickie? Fuck off.

What are you doing?

That thing they do in films.

Throwing cans around?

Thinking.

This is the worst holiday ever.

First, I ruined the passports and you, you think I'm all homeless.

Stef's angry and Dru's run away with the pizza man.

I tried so hard to have a good time.

It's all my fault.

You know that's piss, right?

Twix, please, mate.

Rough day?

What's wrong?

When my dad walked out on us, he said he was going to get a Twix and now...

Families can be tough.

Mine were all in the army, so they were fucking tough.

How could he do it, Mum?

I've been trying so hard to give the guys a nice holiday,

just like you used to, but they don't appreciate me.

Oh, sweetheart. People show their appreciation in different ways.

They don't always...

..mean what they say, they get angry and stuff just blurts out

but you've got to show them...

..what you're made of.

Now, when I was in the army, we had a quitter.

He wasn't a quitter for long, if you know what I...

..meanies, bullies, but that's not them. It's just a coping...

..mechanism of the pigmy hippopotamus develops during musk.

I don't need those guys to have fun.

I can just sit here and learn something...

..tells me that you're not a quitter.

Now I've killed 14 men and let me tell you...

..what you should do is go back, find Stef and do something nice for him too.

Many hippopotamuses around one watering hole can lead to a...

..bloodbath!

Now, are you having that Twix or not?

Not a problem, sweetheart. Try to relax.

You know, you're on holiday too, it's all just...

12 metric tons of dung?!

I love you.

I love you too.

I love you.

Don't push it.

I love you.

Get out! Snickers it is.

Changed my mind. AH!

Stef, I'm sorry man. You were just trying to give us a nice holiday

and I was a total dick, but thanks for everything, man.

I'm sorry, too. Thanks for, well, nothing... but you know.

Come on. Hey, looking for someone?

Well, no, but, hey, man, where have you been?

Oh, just paying our parking fine.

Where did you get the money for that?

NOT from selling hand jobs to the homeless, that's for sure.

OK, well, we'll definitely chat about that when we get home

but, er, thanks, mate.

Hug it out, bitches. Come here.

Hey, come in. Bring it in.

Yeah, just don't... It's good to see you again.

Don't, maybe don't hold my hand.

I want to grow old with you guys.

When I'm old, will I still say shit?

When I'm old, will I still look at porn a little bit?

Will I still have sex?

Correction, try and have sex

With a flaccid erection Wearing a dumb cap doing shitty rap

Maybe I'll be fucking awesome in Gap hat?

Rolling in the Jaguar Popping a Viagra

Fellas are jealous But ladies think I look like Hefner

I wake up, different girl each time

I don't know her name, though - Alzheimer's

I wake up, different girl each time

And, shit, I've done the same bit again - Alzheimer's

The Midnight Beast Still raise the roof

Still getting crocked with the tick-tock screws

60 years and I'm still going strong

I'd still be dancing but my back's gone

When I grow older

When I grow older

Still getting intoxicated, every day inebriated

I'm dead Just kidding

How else would you hear me, dummy?

I'm an antique, start bidding

The other pensioners look at me funny

Cos they know, they know I'm into I'm crashing the party

In the club, Horlicks, Bacardi

Never go home, granddaughter's unhappy

Keep coming when I fill up my nappy

When I'm old, will I play dumb?

Sitting in my armchair sparking a bong

It's for glaucoma, not an addiction

Ask the doctor, it's prescription

When I'm old, will I eat at Hooters?

End up getting head on a mobility scooter

Still playing Fifa, smoking the reefer

Grandsons all getting wanked in Ibiza

When I grow older

When I grow older

Still getting wasted and then getting resuscitated

When I'm old, will I still look fly?

Kissing them girls Making them cry

Still got the guns Still got the eyebrows

What? I'm fit There's no need to lie now

Playing bowls back in the car park

Gambling money Buying chinos in Primark

When I'm old, will I still have orgies?

Young women in their early 40s

Hard life, hard death

The ladies love me and...

G-Y-L-F

Grandad you like to sh...

Let's have a game of strip... chase

The ladies love me cos I

Still got libido Still rock my Speedos

Banned from the pool cos I look like a paedo...

But I'm not a paedo, I'm honestly not a paedo.

? When I grow older... ?

Let's go back and get a couple of beers, yeah?

No beers yet. There's something I want to do first.

Dru, don't let go. Dru! Dru! Go, Ash.

Ha-ha. You watching me, Stef?

Yeah, I just said "Go, Ash."

Guys, the brakes have been cut. The brakes!

The brakes!

Ahh!

No deaths at Club Ed. Death is an Eddy no-no.

Sorry we didn't invite you to stuff, Ed, and thanks for saving Ash.

What are best friends for?

Also, I cut the brakes so... you know.

Yeah, sorry, dude, I thought you'd had it, man.

No worries. Thanks for staying.

I kind of like it here. Really? Nooo!

See you later, guys.

See you next year, Ed.

Oh, don't forget your camera.

Couple of memories on there for you.

See you soon, Jess.

Do you even work here?

I do not, madam.

Ah-ah...

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