Original subtitles

He who flies furthest wins biggest,

and this year our Birdman competition prize is big money.

I haven't had hot water all week, and this bath's got my name on it.

Ohh!

What the fuck?!

The rose petals are a lovely touch.

Right.

No, no, dude. What are you doing?

Ash, put that back inside you now.

Aaaaargh!

Right, I'm going back an hour. That's how much I want first bath.

Well, I'm going back two hours. I'm going back a whole day.

Look. If we had some more money,

we could afford hot water for three people.

How do we get more of the monies?

I don't know. Maybe some more work?

No way. Out of the question.

Ah!

Really? Yeah.

We already entered eight competitions this month.

And we won all those Femidoms.

Win a donkey ride.

To the postbox.

All right, lads? Has anyone seen my tortoise?

Aaah!

Ah it's all right, it's just the turtle.

I didn't like him anyway.

Ah, there you are, sir.

Can I ask a question?

I'm living in the hallway because my divorce is nearly final,

and my wife is selling the flat.

I got another flat but it's got tenants in it and they don't pay.

Sloman, this shell...

Yes, it's a chocolate turtle.

Why didn't you tell me that?

I'm homeless, all right? I'm crying for eight hours a day.

You think I've got time to tell you which animal's made of chocolate

and which isn't? No!

The only thing I've got left to eat is this single sachet of ketchup.

Excuse me, fellas.

In you go, tears. That's it, in you go.

I'm trying to dry out my tears to make home-made salt.

And then maybe I can sell it down the Farmer's Market.

Do you... Do you want to stay with us?

Are you serious?

Thank you.

The saltiest tears are the tears of happiness.

Oh, thank you boys, thank you.

Well, give us a hand then.

Hop to it! Vamoosh!

Is there a tiny cow?

Do not open that box. Its bite might still be infectious.

Sloman... Hold on. I'm doing the feeling down dog.

Mmm.

Ooooh!

Oh! What is it there?

I want to wash my eyeballs.

Aaah!

You've got to stretch it out when you've been doing the dog.

Me and the wife were in a folk duo.

Sloman and Sloman. Huh.

We went east. Everyone went east, man.

Got into some really serious Japanese shit. Yeah.

Then one day I lost her respect. It was a real hammer blow.

Really knocked me off my feet.

We got accepted to the Birdman competition, and it's tomorrow.

Is the prize better than a donkey?

Just a bit. �10,000. We could buy a swimming pool of hot water.

Woo-hoo!

Just chocolate right? Does it taste like caramel?

Urgh, no!

Well, in that case it's a terrapin.

Terrapin made of salted peanuts.

Buy some normal snacks!

Is he sleep crying?

He's got to go.

Fucking hell.

Aaah! The tears will never stop.

I'll never get my wife back.

Look, Zoe broke my heart, but I moved on.

As they say, there's plenty more fish. Listen.

? Heartbreak isn't easy... ?

Aaah! I've been there once before...

A sad song! She held your heart so tender...

It's in the minor key! Then tossed it to the floor...

She...

Sloman! My boy Stef is right.

There be so many fish in the sea. So many fish!

What is he on about? I don't...

De ocean is full of scales

Crabs, dolphins and sharks and whales

No worry, we won't run dry

The ocean's extremely wide

We're kind of losing the point of this

You need to forget the girl that you miss

Think of the women you haven't met

Blah de-de blah de blah, the ocean's wet.

Heartbreak isn't easy

I've been there once before

She held your heart so tender

? And then tossed it to the floor... ?

She stabs you with a dagger

Made of hatred and remorse

Then spits up putrid anger

On your burning rotting corpse

Plenty more fish in the sea

There's plenty more fish in the sea

Go on it's not bad

It's just a fad

Plenty more fish in the blue sea

If you're miserable inside

There's plenty more girls to stand by your side

Don't live in famine, plaice, cod and salmon

All that you wish

? There's plenty more fish... ?

Guys, guys, you don't understand.

When I say fish, I mean girls, not actual fish.

Ah-ha, I get you. That makes sense now.

Like this...

? There's millions of nice females... ? Right.

? Big boobies and scaly tails... ?

No. They live in a seashell shack

Heartbreak isn't easy And a lovely rack.

Her dad forbids her to leave the sea

Although she manages finally

? To marry the prince and live happily... ?

How can this be helping? That's just the plot of the Little Mermaid.

Plenty more fish in the sea

There's plenty more fish in the sea

Global warming's not bad It's just a fad

Plenty more fish in the blue sea

If you're miserable in here

There's plenty more girls to wipe up the tears

There won't be a drought, skate, hake and trout

All that you wish

There's plenty more fish And chips

? And saveloys ? Fish. ?

Oh, no.

No, it's no good. Only my wife will do.

She's coming round tomorrow. How can I get her back?

I'll do anything.

Sloman, if we help you, will you stop the crying

and the screaming, and buy some more restrictive underwear?

Well, I'm not promising anything.

Huh. Birds. I bet they're all in happy relationships.

The Birdman competition is tomorrow.

We've only got until then to unlock the secrets of flight.

Any ideas?

Right, let's see how it works.

Sloman, you want to win your wife back?

You've got to get inside her head, but not literally.

It's full of brains and that, so.

Wooooooooo!

With negging, you insult her a bit. Makes her feel defensive.

Then, she wants to prove herself, and ka-bam!

She's out for the count.

Watch, as I throw my smouldering sex gaze, huh?

You all right, Ash? You're squinting.

Am I? Maybe your eyes don't work.

Right then. Can I help you?

The little lady needs some help.

No. Can I, that's me, help you?

You would be the recipient of the help.

I bet you say that to all the guys.

Your hair's seen better days and that. Yeah.

Oh, this has been fun Ash.

But even more fun are complex quadratic equations,

so I'm just going to... Yeah, cool. Cool.

I'll see you later, yeah?

And that's how you seduce a lady my friend. Yeah!

She seemed indifferent.

Which is how I know she likes me. Right.

Give up your secrets! I too dream of flight.

Wooooo-eeee, I can fly!

Aah!

It's the water bill.

Is it a lot?

A big lot.

But to be fair, it has rained a lot recently.

We need that prize money.

Working on it, dude.

Sloman, if you want to get your wife back

you're going to have to follow my orders.

Now roll that dough.

Harder. The dough is her strong dislike of you.

Pummel it flat.

Now the tomatoes. Smear your love over her flattened hatred.

Now cheese.

Urgh.

Ah.

Ah, boom. Argh.

I feel fitter. I feel stronger, Dru. I feel magnificent.

Slice it. Ah, no knives.

With your bare hands.

Ah.

Hi ya he hi hi hi.

You are ready. To face my wife?

To make another pizza. Can't build this on an empty stomach.

It's even got a beer can holder.

Cool. You're still going to drown.

If by drown you mean soar above the clouds.

No, I mean sink beneath the waves.

Girls can't fly. Because you smell.

Ah, stop negging me, Ash.

Psst, Stef, over here.

Listen, Ash has taught me mind skills.

Dru has rebuilt me physically.

But I need you to teach me how to roll with the punches.

Why don't you try out a few lines on Ronnie?

You know, build your confidence?

Ah. Aye aye captain.

Your tits are very small.

Ah, what've I done? Apologise.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry you've got small tits. Ash.

All right, all right. Maybe negging's not the way to go?

So are we giving him a make over or what?

Let's have a look at your wardrobe.

Ah, great memories. Wore that on my honeymoon.

Ah, even greater memories. Wore that on my wedding day.

Know what this calls for?

Shopping trip. I don't know where that comes from.

Guys, we need to leave if we're going to make the flying competition.

Sloman, how's it going?

Ladies, gentlemen.

I feel good. I feel strong.

I think I'm ready to get my wife back.

Speak of the devil.

Sloman. I'm free to meet this evening.

If that suits you?

Of course, my wonderful wife. I'll book a venue.

Ah! I can't do it on my own.

Please, come with me, please.

Look, ten grand is at stake.

We could lick the face of Zeus.

No, Sloman needs us. We promised.

Oh, fucking hell. Not again.

No, don't try and stop me.

I want to be toast. I want to die.

Sloman.

You sure you want to take your wife to the bingo hall?

Yeah. We'll need the space.

It's time to face my wife, and get her back.

Not too late to book a romantic restaurant.

Duh! You can't punch someone in a restaurant, Stef.

You're here to meet your wife.

Yes. Meet her in mortal combat, in the ring.

But all this time you've been saying you want to get her back?

That's right. Ever since that day in Japan.

Let's do this.

Ah! Ha. Ha.

It's just like I told you. A real hammer blow.

Really knocked me off my feet.

Your form is weak. You've lost my respect. Divorce, please.

And now, I'm going to get her back.

Oh, get her back.

Wait, that's a lot worse than we thought.

Sloman's going to die.

Hope you like pain?

First blood wins.

Hey, lee, nee, yay.

Ah! Argh.

It's the clash of the titans, masked vigilante

Looking camper than Brighton

Magic like I'm Dynamo, 12 inches like a Domino's

Top level, you're a bungalow

Put a cape on a garden rake Superman that hoe

No superpowers just a really big cock

That I found in my garden cos it flew from the flock

Meow! Goes the pussy

The only pussy that you'll ever get

If you lock it outside, pussy wet

You know they back mo'fuckers

Oh, God they back mo'fuckers

They made their own word motherfuckers

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

Even though the words are atrociously hopeless

? We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness. ?

That was too easy.

Yay. I finally got my wife back.

I finally... what?

Oh, shit.

Yo, hit 'em with that hashtag rap

Three amigos with a great look, Hansen

We're turning into a cult, bitch, Manson

Strum yourself with the light out, mandolin

Diarrhoea leaves you like an Xbox, whirlwind

My mouth gets me in a pickle, Branston

And that's why I'm still a virgin, Branson

Still photogenic with no filter, Mayfair

Drop off my kids in your mouth, Daycare

You know they back mo'fuckers

? Oh, God they back mo'fuckers. ?

God you're sexy.

Ah, what you doing? No, no, no, anything but that.

Boys, you got to help me. She's suffocating me with her tits.

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

Even though the words are atrociously hopeless

? We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness. ?

My repertoire is growing. Knead the pizza.

On goes the tomato sauce. Slice the pizza.

Have you oiled up yet?

Of course I have.

By the way, your hair's seen better days.

But I use conditioner. Another slice. Boom.

Moving double speed like we're on a travelator

We said that we'd be back now we're here, Terminator.

The dope's in our genes and I don't mean the Levi's

We're riding on the track with no helmet, Circumcised.

Killing it like samurais, still doing it when we're 45

We got more honeys than a motherfucking beehive

Frosty like an Eskimo, Lion King Mufasa though

Crooked teeth in need of dental, minty fresh we fucking menthol

You know they back mo'fuckers

Oh, God they back mo'fuckers

They made their own word motherfuckers

It's uberswaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness

Even though the words are atrociously hopeless

We call it swaggerliciousyolohelladopeness.

? That ain't a sandwich, that's a wrap. ?

Your beauty routine is weak.

I don't think so. I've just had my nails done.

Argh.

My ketchup sachet is... alright actually.

Must be my blood. Phew. First blood.

I win. Oh, fair do's.

Your technique is greatly improved.

That thing about my hair made me want to prove myself.

Keep the flat. Just give me the rent on the other place.

Yeah, get your tenants to pay up, mate.

OK. Boys, you owe me a shitload of rent.

You're our landlord?

Well, if you'd only open your post.

I was going to say something before, but I was too shy.

But thanks to you guys I've really got my confidence back.

And we missed the Birdman competition. 7pm.

It's all over.

It's only just gone 5:00. We reset our watches to get the first bath.

We can still make it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I don't know where that comes from. Oh.

I think it's all the make overs. Let's go.

Quick goodbye screw?

Welcome to the 2014 Birdman competition.

Where each of our entrants has the chance to win �10,000.

Ah. Time to share the bath. The ultimate bath.

The ocean.

Not going to happen, dude.

This baby's going to fly like a custard pie.

Well, let's just try and get 5m, that'd win us third place.

Stef man, you got to believe.

Next to take flight, we have The Midnight Beast.

All right Dru, push it.

Believe.

Yes, fucking yes.

How is this even possible?

Woo hoo. Yeah.

Third place. Not bad.

And we won a donkey ride.

Should we wake him up? Already got a concussion when we hit the water.

Let him dream Stef. Let him dream. Wake up Dru.

You've been asleep and it's your turn to fly it.

Yes, fucking yes. Whee!

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