Original subtitles

It's a start

It's a new beginning

This could be...

? This could be the greatest job I swear. ?

Morning, Ash. Morning Stef. Today's going to be a wonderful day.

I love the sound of sirens from the city

Getting to sleep these days is rare

? But I'm gonna get us the greatest job I swear. ?

Morning, Dru.

Fuck off. Stef's going to get us a job.

I love my little friendly furry housemates

Sleeping without them's hard to bear

? But I'm gonna get some decent job I swear. ?

Morning, boys. Had the most amazing dream I wanted to tell you about.

OK, bye then.

Don't fly too far

From Sloman's nest

Without them here I won't get dressed

? But they'll never get themselves a decent job I... ?

I need a key change!

? Swear. ?

I love the smell of urine on the stairwell

The lifeless junkie always there

The kids outside wave us a friendly farewell

I found a condom in my hair

All right!

? But all that will change when we've sort of job I swear. ?

OK, guys, we need to split up.

Get off the fucking car! Sorry, mate.

There they go

They think the sun shines out their arseholes

They're deluded in their sad little life

Where's your CV? That's a CD!

I don't take SATs, not qualified

You slept with my wife

? We're never gonna get a minimum wage job I swear. ?

Look what I found, this is it, the perfect job.

This could be the beginning of the rest of our lives.

We've gone and found a job that we desired

After we sailed the days at sea

Singing for three minutes and now we're tired

? And we can't hear our harmony... ?

Argh! So, can you shut the fuck up?!

Pricks.

So, can we have a job?

Yeah, all right.

We've gone and got ourselves

The greatest job I

? Swear. ?

How clean did she say it had to be?

Clean enough to lick. Even the toilets? Especially the toilets.

I can't believe she's turning 16.

What are we going to do for it?

Well, Hope likes texting and being stroppy.

How do you theme a surprise party out of that?

Come on, she likes more than being moody.

There's that song that she likes.

Baby Imma make love slowly

? To my one and only Zoe. ?

Love that song. Have you met my girlfriend, Zoe? No.

It's like it could have been written about her.

Dude, she's your ex-girlfriend.

She is my girlfriend, we've just got this awesome not talking

and not seeing each other thing that makes my chest hurt.

Don't waste us cleaning toilets

when we could organise the greatest party Zoe's ever been to.

My sister's name's Hope.

Look, we've really got to make this birthday special

and these idiots look like they understand teenagers.

Look at their clothes.

I bet they even know how to... Hey, do you guys twerk?

What's a twerk?

All right!

Make Hope happy and I'll raise your pay by 5p an hour.

Fail me...

You'll wipe out necks.

But why would you use only one finger?

What do teenage girls like?

What do they enjoy?

What do we know about teenage girls?

What is girls?

They all like that vampire guy. What, Twilight? Dude, that was years ago.

It's all iPads and butt chugging now.

We do something that she loves.

You'll get it when you hear it, I promise.

We're volunteering to do that fucking song again.

Obviously we're going to hire him to play Hope's party.

Baby Imma make lovely slowly

? To my one... ? Stef, what you doing here?

Oh, my God, this is perfect, Zoe!

You have to hear this song, it understands our pain.

Stef, I'm seeing someone new.

Rebound! We've all been there.

But now that we're back together we should visit Paris!

I'll get your coat. Stef!

It's over.

I'm actually here with... Don't see you with anyone.

He's a musician. I doubt that.

Zoe, seriously,

just listen to these lyrics then you'll understand how I feel.

It's like it could have been written about you.

This song is for Zoe, my girlfriend,

that's standing right there next to the douche with the big hair.

This song is about how often I make love to her

and how often she needs it.

I'm sorry, Stef.

Come on! Come on, everyone, hands in the air!

Yes!

To my only Zoe

But you gotta understand

? I'm still on... ? Come on!

Five a day, playa

Five a day, playa

I don't need the proof, y'all

I just need her sex

Five a day

Five a day

I don't need no proof, girl, I just need your sex

She came in for banana

So I gave her banana

She came in for a sleepover

But I don't wear pyjama

I'm riding through the rhythm

But I don't play the drum

And now she open up

And I gave her that calcium

Me and my girlfriend Zoe

? Breathing like... ?

I think he overdosed on this shit song.

Mmm, sausages.

I thought Zoe looked well.

Lovely glossy hair. So, there's a lot to get done.

Probably pick up some tools, use a plywood base, better get going, bye.

What the fuck?

Shouldn't we be helping Stef?

We are. We're helping him learn that sometimes people don't help you.

Dru, wakes up, it's ready.

Well, come on, then.

No decorations.

No cake.

Stef's done a Twilight theme so it probably doesn't work in daylight.

You ready? Check it out.

Zoe

I still love you

Please

? Come back to me. ?

We're doing a party theme of Zoe?

Because every single 16-year-old

can relate to Stef having an ex-girlfriend.

She's not my ex-girlfriend, stupid.

She's literally mad about me, still.

And this is how I'm going to win her back.

Hope's going to love it. So when exactly is this party?

It's tonight.

That's me.

Stef's sanity's having a day off.

I need you to babysit him. I'm not changing any nappies again.

I had enough of that with my own daughter. Never again!

We meant babysit as in look after, not... Yeah, all right, I'll do it.

I'll change the urine but I draw the line at number twos, all right?

You got nappy rash?

Dude's has his heart broken.

And we've got a party to organise.

Oh, right. Heartbroken lead singer, eh? Yeah.

I feel your pain, bro-mocide.

As it happens, I know just the place that can help you, Stef.

Now, don't be scared, Stef.

Group therapy saved me.

As lead singer of Sloman And Sloman I was a mess, but look at me now.

Boom! Boom!

Yeah, fully clothed and I own a tortoise.

And it's all thanks to these guys. Come on.

There you go, Stef.

Shush, shhhh, shhhh.

Cease anecdotes.

Cease anecdotes.

Right. Let us begin.

Now, today, my fellow frontmen, I brought along one of our kind

to share his pain with us and maybe to rock the party!

Seriously, Stef's in a bad way with his love life. All right?

So, who wants to go first?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, have a salad, have a salad.

One, two, two, one, two.

Good evening, good evening, Group Therapy for Frontmen.

? Are you ready to share? ?

I said,

? Are you ready to share? ?

Yeah, everybody's ready, Peter.

It's a good start.

We wrote that two hours ago.

Have you even seen Twilight?

What's a Twilight?

And now she strikes the pose.

And so, I thought, "We've got a connection."

So I ask to see her tits.

Yep. Yep. Classic, yep.

Nothing.

In front of 20,000 people.

It was a no.

I just felt so humiliated, yeah.

He asked for tits, and he got no tits.

So...

new boy, what's the deal?

Who took a shit on your heart?

Right, well, it's been a while, I should be good for a pint.

How about four pints?

Giving four pints of blood would kill me, I think.

Cry baby. Hold your armour.

You're joking, right? Hush, now.

What is this? You're not the NHS.

Look, we need blood for a vampire party and Drew's only given us this,

so, come on.

Come back.

I'm pretty sure he's going to call the police.

Face it, we're never going to collect a gallon now.

Oh, well, back into the veins you go.

Drew, I'm going to do something radical,

something I've never tried before, for Steph.

I'm going to read a book.

I'm going to read Twilight.

In conclusion, I think maybe Zoe isn't coming back.

I think maybe it is over.

What? Come on, bullshit.

But she's got a new boyfriend.

Dude, dude, all my chicks have got boyfriends.

I get all the mating, with none of the dating.

Yeah, baby!

I get all the sex, without the alimony cheques.

Whoo!

Sorry, but I think you're all deluded.

Hey, hey, hey!

House rule, no bottling the front man,

who threw the bra?

Yo, yo, yo!

Sorry I'm late, people.

Just finished giving my girl the grand tour.

Tour of what, Sexual P?

You don't have to answer that. Tour of my mansion.

Front-door ball sac.

Gave her the key to my house,

so she can come down whenever she wants and lick my...

Ball sac. Touche.

That means touch in French.

And she definitely, definitely

touches my...

Everything is ready for the party.

Mate, are you crying?

Who will Bella choose?

I bought a crate of these,

how cool is that?

A savoury snack called Twilights.

We've got to get you tested, mate.

Hello, sir.

I'm new here. And I need some of the magic that you do.

I accept Zoe's not coming back,

but I don't think I'll be all right on my own.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

I am Count Twilight. And I am Buffy Vampire, his sidekick.

Welcome to your Twilight-themed party, which you love,

like all teenagers do.

Happy birthday, hope.

Garlic punch.

And have a Twilight.

Don't be scared, little girl.

We're not real vampires, OK.

A fucking Twilight party!

What do you think I am,

15 years old three years ago?

And you've even got everything wrong. Everything.

Rah! I'm a werewolf called Jason, or Jacob.

Jayden, maybe.

Hope, would you maybe like to see the boys twerk?

I mean, they're actually pretty good.

I'm so embarrassed I think I'm going to be sick.

Sounds to me like someone needs a slice of birthday cake, am I right?

Yum, yum.

If I wasn't that guy

The guy that loses women

I need to hear from that guy

? Can't you send me down a message from above? ?

Why are you looking so glum, honey?

My heart feels like an empty crisp packet.

Delicious slice of white toast like you, you need some jam spread on you.

I don't feel like breakfast.

Fire it up, we've got a skinny-ass, lovesick boy what needs the boss.

Oooh, yeah!

If you were a black guy

? If I was a... ? Hang on, what?

? You'd get all the ladies that you need... ?

Surely that's kind of racist.

Cos if you were a black guy

If I was a black guy

Your girlfriend would be begging on her knees

I see what you're saying, ladies

It don't make sense

? Why would being black be some much better? No offence ?

You should... bolt

It's a

Wonder why you didn't have the

Will... power to kiss that bitch goodbye

I feel subliminal messaging creeping in to your words

Can't you help me out without being race-oriented first?

That's fine, we hear you clearly

It's easy as A to Z

I think we can convert you

And leave the race puns be

If you were a black guy If I was a black guy

? You'd get all the ladies that you need... ?

I would?

Cos if you were a black guy

If I was a black guy

There'd be no better way you would succeed

Whoo!

Super Mario can jump high

If he was a black guy

Oh, I could wear a white tie

If he was a black guy

Yeah, every day would be a blue sky

If he was a black guy

Sing really fucking high

If he was a black guy

And I could kiss...

If he was a black guy

Every white man going to have the chance

I'm a saint now, not a sinner

I'm chocolate not vanilla

I'd have I better figure

? And my penis would be bigger. ?

It's all right for us to say that though, right? Because we're black?

Come on, Hope, have a little cake.

Ash.

Oh, Bella, who will you choose?

Is someone jumping out this thing or not?

Garlic!

Yes, obviously.

If she is still crying after 10 minutes' time

I will make a party hat out of your testicles.

Hey there, Count Drewcula, this place looks fucking wicked.

I don't know, dude, that little girl.

Her name's Hope. She doesn't like vampires.

I know something she likes.

Get out of there, Ash.

You're giving her Ash? Well, I suppose she's just turned 16.

Oh, yeah!

Come on, then, guys, let's play the birthday girl her favourite song.

Wait, that song, are you sure?

Yeah, I'm fine now, it's just a shit song.

Come on.

Look, they're all waiting for you.

We could have got tickets to see Sexual P instead.

This one's for the birthday girl.

Maybe I will make love slowly

To my one and only Hopey

But you got to understand

I'm still on that...

That five-a-day pledge

That five-a-day pledge

? Don't need the fruit, girl I just need the sex... ?

This is disgusting.

How do you turn the sound off?

I don't need no fruit, girl I just need the sex

She came in for banana so I gave her banana

? Then she wanted... ?

'I wrote your whole name on it,

'but you can only see...'

How do you make it stop? How do you make it stop?!

'Think sexy stuff.'

That's not me.

Here comes the O.

That's not my dick. 'Zoe!

'Zoe?'

It could have been worse. How? At least she didn't fire us.

What page are you on now?

Page five, it's getting intense. Who will Bella choose?

Well, Dumbledore dies at the end,

and Bella gets together with a guy called Catniss,

but then Edward and Catniss team up with Aslan...

Stop ruining it, Drew.

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