Original subtitles

? I wanna play Cluedo with my bros

? I wanna paint rainbows on my toes

? I don't wanna ho, I want... ?

Hello and welcome to the Sloman Show,

aka things I've got on my laptop

of the Midnight Beast that I want to show you.

I've done that too bright, it's too bright.

Woo! I've been partying all night long with the Midnight Beast.

It was a crazy party. When I say party, I mean

par-tay.

So for the first clip I've got for you,

it's called I Kicked A Shark In Its Face.

? The Mid-night Beast! ?

We're the greatest unsigned gimmick rap band from southwest London.

We're not unsigned because we're shit,

we're unsigned because corporations suck!

And because we're shit.

Shut up, Ash.

? Mum, your little boys flown from the nest

? Moved in with his best boyfriends

? We're the best

? To a very big mansion of a crib ? No more nappies, no more bibs... ?

What?

Nothing.

? We've got our own fridge

? The wide world's very, very mean

? But Mum, I can handle myself, you'll soon see!

? Just the other day I was walking, felt a tap on my shoulder

? There's a shark standing there and he looks much older

? He's like "Raar raar raar"

? I turn around and I'm like "What the hell?"

? He looks back at me, he's like "Raar raar raar"

? I look at him and I'm like "What the hell?

? "What the hell?"

? Then I kicked the shark in the face

? He kicked the shark in the face

? Then I kicked the shark in the face

? His face was a total disgrace

? Humans are fitter

? You can't punch me with a flipper

? I'm sitting on my arse playing Xbox games

? Then I hear a voice and it's calling out my name

? I'm like "Yo, what you want, motherfucker?"

? He's like "Yo, y-y-you motherfucker"

? What happened next?

? I'm getting to that

? Zip up my flies, roll my sleeves, grab a baseball bat

? I look left, look right, but there's no one around

? Then a bear, tap, tap, pulls me to the ground

? He's like "Raar raar raar"

? Then I get up and I'm like "What the fuck?"

? He looks back and he's like "Raar raar raar"

? I'm not even scared, I'm like "What the fuck?

? "W-w-w-what the fuck?"

? Then I hit the bear in the balls

? He hit the bear in the balls

? Take one for the team to the balls

? Should have protected his balls

? Go cry to ya' momma

? A bear couldn't cook carbonara

? I hit the bear in the balls

? He hit the bear in the balls

? Swim with a school of fish

? Hunt with a pack of wolves

? The only thing I know is I love animals

? We put this bit in the song

? So the animal lovers don't come for us

? I love animals

? We put this bit in the song

? So the animal lovers don't come for us

? Then I kicked the shark in the face

? Humans are winners

? Cos we'll have you later for dinner

? Unless you're vegetarian

? And that's OK, being vegetarian's fine with me-e-ay. ?

Hello and welcome back to the Simon Show,

aka things what I've got on my hard drive.

This next song is called Quirky. Quirky.

? Cos I'm quirky

? Cos I'm quirky

? Cos I'm quirky

? When I'm 30 ? Why?

? Cos I'm quirky

? Not married but I wear a wedding ring on my hand

? I go to sleep when I want, cos I don't have bedtime planned

? Don't obey by the rules, sometimes I don't even care

? If I'm out eating at a buffet, I'll have more than my share

? What?! ? I'm a bad influence

? Don't hang around with me

? I ride my bike on the pavement, wear my clothes in the shower

? I'm straight up crazy

? I've got a beard ? I've got an afro

? I've got eyebrows that rock

? So if you want to out-quirky us, then take your best shot

? I don't sing in tune, why?

? Cos I'm quirky

? Backwards lyrics my of all rap I ? Cos I'm quirky

? I sip my coffee through a straw, bitch

? Cos I'm quirky

? And I still rock a cap when I'm thirty

? Why? ? Cos I'm quirky

? The other day, I had a piece of toast

? But I didn't even butter it, it tasted gross

? I don't care what I do, I'm a real live wire

? I hold a match till it burns, I'm playing with fire

? Fuck vegetables, I don't eat none of that shit

? Fuck education, I don't study one little bit

? Fuck the Fonz, he thinks he's fucking cooler than me

? And fuck singing this song, cos I'm too quirky to sing

? I wear red and pink, why?

? Cos I'm quirky

? I greet you with a goodbye

? Cos I'm quirky

? I have eleven beers a day, why?

? Cos I'm quir... ?No, no, that just makes you an alcoholic.

? ..And I still have a beard when I'm thirty. ?

Why?! Cos I'm quirky

? Ripping a hole in your jeans

? Owning a pink limousine

? Learning to ride a unicycle whilst you're dressed as the queen

? Fighting a bear with one hand

? Getting a full-body tan

? Joining a post-apocalyptic gothic hardcore band

? I like Home Alone 3

? Cos I'm quirky

? I'm drinking peppermint tea

? Cos I'm quirky

? I got a picture of the Hoff, see?

? Cos I'm quirky

? And I'll still rock a cap when I'm thirty. ?

Why? ? Cos I'm quirky. ?

Yo, welcome back to the crib.

Shhh. I'm playing a video game.

I like video games because they allow you to do things

simulated that you can't do in real life.

For instance, I always wanted to be an air traffic controller

but they wouldn't let me do it cos they said I was unstable. Ha!

Fuck that!

? It's the year of the beast

? I'm on it like Sonic

? It is on like Donkey Kong

? I'm gonna tell you like... ?

Shut up. Just do the song.

OK.

? I like games, they're hot to turn on

? You can cheat 'em and they don't get pissed when you're gone

? You complete 'em, they don't hang around wanting more

? And the only thing that matters is to get top score

? Girlfriends just whine and bitch and moan

? But I can get more pleasure when I'm sitting on my own

? Girlfriends just bitch and moan and whine

? Get out my fucking room, whore, read the sign

? I don't wanna take Pebbles for a walk in the street

? I don't wanna take you dancing, it hurts my feet

? How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off?

? I wanna put my cock in Lara Croft

? Videogames are better than girlfriends

? Cos you don't have to do things to keep them happy

? You just play them

? And have numerous amounts of fun

? Maybe life would be better as a videogame

? I could ride a dragon through the sky like a plane

? I could solve a problem with a fight to the death

? For the last can of beans or a glimpse of a breast

? I'd get paper from robbing all the banks

? Up, down, left, right, turn ? Gets a tank

? RSI on my thumbs from Call Of Duty

? I'd rather shoot my load at a virtual booty

? I don't wanna give advice on your newest dress

? I don't wanna wear a trilby, give it a rest

? How come my friends understand when I feel pissed off?

? I wanna put my dongle in Microsoft

? Videogames are better than girlfriends

? Cos you don't have to think of a conversation

? You just look at 'em

? And turn 'em off when you're bored and done

? My time with Mario

? Is better than time with you

? You can call me a saddo

? But it's all I want to do

? I'm scared of bajingas

? They make me want to hurl

? As long as I have fingers

? I'll never need a girl. ?

Sloman Show!

I've dimmed the lights for dramatic effect, to be more dramatic.

Woo.

This next song's called Life Is A Musical. Hit!

? Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da

? Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da

? Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da

? Da-da-da-dum-da-da-da

? Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da

? Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da

? Da-da-dum-da-da-da-dum-da-da

? Da-da-dum-da-da-da-da

? What the fudge was Mr Jones on about back there?

? I don't know, man, but that guy is some kind of crazy

? Are we gonna show these kids how to kick it or what?

? You're damn right we are, let's do this thing

? Life could be cool like American High School

? High school is cool

? We dance around and use dollars not pounds

? Different currencies

? Standing on a car playing my guitar

? When we reach the final curtain

? That's one thing we know for certain

? Because we all love a happy ending

? We're blessed, we're the best, we're all fucking amazing

? We all love a happy finish

? Let's all have a ball

? Cos life is a musical

? Life, life, life is a musical

? Life, life, life is a musical

? We stick together whatever the weather

? Sunshine

? Ra-ai-i-ai-ain

? Brother to brother, in love with each other

? But we're not gay

? I mean it, OK? ?

Come on, yeah!

? We all love a happy ending

? Hey, look, there's a clown There's no frowns in this town

? We all love a happy finish

? Let's all have a ball

? Cos life is a musical

? The Midnight Beast are everywhere

? Now everybody throw your hands in the air

? The Midnight Beast are in the place

? Now everybody slap yourself in the face

? Now everybody slap your friend in the face

? Ohhhhhhhh!

? We all love a happy ending

? I once was a limb

? Now I'm dressed as a tree

? We all love a happy finish

? No need to have timing, we're all bloody miming

? We all love a happy ending

? You'll look like a dick and you'll dance till you're sick. ?

What show would be complete without an interview section.

The boys are asleep but I've got the next best thing.

Bogdan from the cafe.

Please welcome... Now.

Bogdan from the cafe.

Awesome.

Bogdan, welcome to the show.

You're welcome.

Now, you work in the cafe.

You own the cafe.

What do you sell there?

Eggs.

What else do you sell there?

Bacon.

What else do you sell in the cafe, Bogdan?

Napkins.

Oh, really? No, you don't.

For 5p.

Tight.

The next one is specially for Bogdan.

It's called Strategy Wanking.

What? What are you talking...?

? You're stressed about a meeting Cos you haven't got a clue

? Your girlfriend won't have sex With you because she's got the flu

? Your cat won't eat it's dinner Cos it doesn't like the taste

? Your parents had a baby And you're sad you've been replaced

? Act like you mean it

? Don't make a sound

? Keep it a secret

? People in the place Gotta listen up, right

? We gonna get loose In our pants tonight

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? Got to cure your frustration

? Oh-oh-oh

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? It's only meditation

? You could've scored The winning goal But you missed the shot

? You've seen the monkeys Procreating Boy it's got you hot

? You owe the mob some money But you'll never find the cash

? You found out you got herpes When you thought it was a rash

? Urge the temptation

? Don't feel ashamed

? Feel the inflation

? People in the place Put your hands down there

? And shake it all around Like you just don't care

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? Undercover masturbation

? Oh-oh-oh

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? When the pussy's on vacation

? It's not dumb

? It's fun

? It only takes one

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? You hit the floor

? With your new song

? It's immature

? Your career's bombed

? Tragedy Wanking

? Got to pick up the pieces

? They call it Tragedy Wanking

? When you've just been defeated

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? You won't feel neglected

? Oh-oh-oh

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? You'll never be rejected

? It's not dumb

? It's fun

? It only takes one

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh

? Strategy Wanking

? Oh-oh-oh. ?

(BLEEP) loser!

Oh, yeah, shouting at me in my own house.

It's not my house, I live next door.

I will see you (BLEEP).

You, I know where you are.

Sloman.

Shut up!

All right.

What the...? What the fuck are you doing?

Hello, boys.

Nice to have you here and for you to wake up, eh?

What are you playing at?

I was here for the party.

What are these?

What party?

Just some cameras.

We didn't have a party.

Yeah, we had a crazy party.

I downed that beer. Remember?

There was no party.

And next up, Lez Be Friends.

What?

? I'm at a party I'm a girl machine

? I'm gonna have sex with them all, If you know what I mean

? It's like a sweet sixteen But the girls are eighteen

? And I can't wait to peel 'em Like a tangerine

? I'm gonna g-go down on 'em Like a submarine

? Submarines are fun He-he-he-he-he

? I walk to a hottie And turn on my charm

? But before I can start I hear a rape alarm

? It's going...

? I can't feel my ears I think they're bleeding

? From the...

? I can't work out Why the girls are screaming

? I'm the best-looking boy In the world

? Oh, wait I bet she likes kissing girls

? If a girl won't come round

? She must be a lesbian

? Or turns me down

? She must be a lesbian

? If she doesn't fancy me

? Way-oh

? She must bat for the other team

? She's a lesbian

? Take two It's my rapping debut

? I'm having trouble trying to find A better girl to pursue

? I'm like a fire truck

? What? Full of muscly guys?

? I meant a pun where I compare The hose to my (BLEEP) size

? And then I see her And I start feeling sick

? I say my name is Pogo You want to jump on my stick?

? I woo her with my words, Ask if I can poker face?

? She doesn't see the funny side And sprays my face with mace

? If a girl won't come round

? She must be a lesbian

? Or turns me down

? She must be a lesbian

? If she don't like me

? She must be a lesbian

? I'll let her down lightly

? She must be a lesbian

? If a girl won't kiss She's taking the piss

? Or get down with this I can't believe it

? If she don't give me the eye

? Way-oh

? She must drive on the other side

? She's a lesbian

? It's your birthday

? You go, girl

? What's your name?

? I like your... shoes

? We are two boys

? And we're looking for two girls

? They are two girls Let's talk to the girls

? How are you? What's your name?

? I try to talk but I just came

? In my pants I am sad

? Chatting up girls is really rad.

? Les-lesbians

? That girl She must be a lesbian

? She's a lesbian

? Les-lesbians

? That girl She must be a lesbian

? She's a lesbian. ?

So, let me get this straight.

You broke into our flat whilst we were sleeping,

you've set up cameras and you've started to make your own TV show?

Not that bad. I didn't break in, I sort of snuck in.

And I didn't touch any of you when you were asleep.

It's still a bit weird though, isn't it?

It's really weird.

Why don't we watch funny video clips on the internet?

I know some hilarious ones.

No, I don't...

I don't know.

I think you'd better go home.

Just for a bit. Please.

Please.

No.

Please.

One minute. One minute.

Twenty.

Twenty minutes.

Four.

Eleven minutes.

Four and a half.

Nine minutes.

All right, five. Five.

Just five. Five minutes.

All right, five minutes, cool.

I know a great clip about a monkey pissing into its own mouth.

Check it out.

? Now that we rolling in dough Let's get a yacht with a bed

? But we don't have enough Let's buy a dinghy instead

? We wanna drink Cristal But settled with soda

? We couldn't buy a Porsche Let's pimp out a Skoda. Yeah!

? Medium pimpin' Living the dream

? Instead of caviar, bitch Got vanilla ice cream

? No care in the world Just got numerous pounds

? We only travel first class On the underground

? Medium pimpin'

? Car with wheels

? Moderately pimpin'

? Fancy meals

? Averagely pimpin'

? Sex appeal

? Medium pimpin' Pimpin' pimpin'

? Train to Soho Pick up some ho-hoes

? Can only get a chat Not enough for a blow-blow

? Ha! Medium bitches Hard to afford

? I shop so much at ASDA I'm sponsored by George

? We wanted some dancers But children were cheaper

? Got so much fucking money I could buy your sister

? Buy your mama

? Buy your papa

? Dress 'em up as animals And take a picture

? Medium pimpin'

? Chandelier

? Standardly pimpin'

? Unlimited beer

? Mediocre pimpin'

? New career

? Medium pimpin' Pimpin' pimpin'

? N-N-N-Now I am a rich man

? Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na-naaa

? Medium pimpin'

? Medium pimpin'

? Medium gangster Medium height

? Ba-na-na-na

? Optician told me I got medium sight

? Ba-na-na-na

? Average pits With an average smell

? Ba-na-na-na

? And downstairs Pretty average as well

? Ba-na-na-na

? Medium dance With a minimal beat

? Ba-na-na-na

? Minimum clothes On medium seats

? Ba-na-na-na

? Medium shoulders, minimal hands

? Spread your legs, Lois Lane

? I'm super-medium-man

? Medium pimpin'

? Bronze shoes

? Moderately pimpin'

? Bronze cane

? Averagely pimpin'

? Bronze gloves

? Medium pimpin'

? Bronze brain

? Wow

? Now I am a rich man

? Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na-naaa

? Medium pimpin'

? Bigger than small

? Medium pimpin'

? Smaller than big

? Ba-na-na-na

? Medium pimpin' baby

? Ba-na-na-na

? That's right spending cheese

? Ba-na-na-na

? Cheese?

? Yeah, that means money

? Ba-na-na-na

? Oh. ?

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