Original subtitles

Oh, my God! I love you people. You're so cool!

So, guys, what do you wanna do?

Pillow fight!

Yeah!

Pillow fight! Whoo-hoo!

How did Jenny get a reality show

before her first single was even released?

Jenny may be a superstar in the making,

but behind the scenes, she's just an ordinary girl like you.

Hi, Brad. You're an asshole!

She's a bit shit, but I'd kill for her sales, man.

When are we gonna get a TV show?

Or a pay cheque. We're down to living off fruit and veg.

Boys, boys! Underneath all that bullshit,

what's Jenny got that you haven't?

Jenny is launching her new single Ready To Blow

with her very own Jenny-branded cola drink.

Are you tired of your usual cola?

Try my Blow instead.

Ah!

Ah! It feels so good inside me!

I want that bike, Chevy.

Personally, I don't think the colour suits you.

I wanna be that can of cola gushing down her neck.

But that's never gonna happen, cos Jenny's a lesbian.

I met her last month.

So, are you into tennis?

What? Yeah, it's OK.

Have you ever played with two balls?

Please just go away.

OK. Sure.

Bzz, bzz. Update!

What's this?

It's a text from one of the orphans I helped out recently.

Oh, he's so cute. He says he loves me.

I'm quite amazed he can text, to be honest. He's heavily disabled.

Number one, you're disgusting. Two, you're lame.

Three, I am way out of your league.

Four, pretty much every woman is out of your league.

So just step aside, dick-face.

Mossa def.

I hate it when you talk.

? I'm at a party, I'm a girl machine

? I'm gonna have s-sex with them all If you know what I mean

? It's like a sweet sixteen

? But the girls are 18

? And I can't wait to peel 'em like a tangerine

? I'm gonna go-go down on 'em like a submarine

? Submarines are fun! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

? I-I-I-I walk to a hottie and turn on my charm

? But before I can start I hear a rape alarm

? It's going... ?

? I can't feel my ears, I think they're bleeding from the... ?

? I can't work out why the girls are screaming

? I'm the best-looking boy in the world

? Oh, wait, I bet she likes kissing girls

? If a girl won't come round

? She must be a lesbian

? Or turns me down

? She must be a lesbian

? If she doesn't fancy me

? Well

? Well She must bat for the other team

? She's a lesbian

? Take two, it's my rapping debut

? I'm having trouble tryin' to find a better girl to pursue

? I'm like a fire truck

? What? Full of muscly guys?

? I meant a pun

? Where I'd compare the hose to my... ?

? ..size

? And then I see her and I start feeling sick

? I say, "My name is Pogo You wanna jump on my stick?"

? Boing!

? I woo her with my words Ask if I can poker face

? She doesn't see the funny side and sprays my face with Mace

? If a girl won't come round

? She must be a lesbian

? Or turns me down

? She must be a lesbian

? If she don't like me

? She must be a lesbian

? I'll let her down lightly

? She must be a lesbian

? If a girl won't kiss

? She's taking the piss

? Or get down with this

? I can't believe it

? If she don't give me the eye

? Wey-oh

? She must drive on the other side

? She's a lesbian

? It-it's your birthday! You go, girl!

? What's your name?

? I like your... shoes

? We are two boys

? And we're looking for two girls

? They are two girls

? Let's talk to the girls

? How are you? What's your name?

? I try to talk but I just came

? In my pants, I am sad

? Chatting up girls is really rad

? Les-lesbian

? She's a... That girl

? She must be a lesbian She's a lesbian

? Les-lesbian

? She's a... That girl She must be a lesbian

? She's a lesbian. ?

Yeah, I like it, guys. Oh, my God!

We should totally make a song out of this!

I want her so badly.

So, there's our wish list, Chevy.

Mics for Dru, lesbians for Ash, and I'd settle for just one paid gig.

Can you at least manage the last one?

Easy, Stef! Good times are just round the corner.

It's a long fucking corner.

Helping Jenny navigate her amazing success

is her friend and manager, Jay Chitole.

? Slowly to the floor

? DJ, turn this track up more... ?

Oh!

Can we get a bit lower here? Can you pull that down a little bit?

- Just a touch. There you go. - Then you see my bra. Is that OK?

Yeah, sure, a little peep.

You wouldn't want a greased turd like that looking after you, would you? Would you?

Hm. No.

You're already in a band.

Got a fan base? Twitter? Have you got an iPhone app?

We've got more hits on YouTube than that monkey.

What monkey?

You know. The one that pisses in his own mouth.

You're primetime. You're a moneymaker. I feel that.

Put it down.

So, what's your dream?

I want more stuff, as well as money.

Well, you're in the money zone now. Let's get you signed up.

You're the leader of the band, yeah?

Yes.

Come on, guys.

I can't believe it, man.

This is really cool of you, dude.

You just found 100 quid?

Yep, and I'm spending every penny on you guys.

Now, let's go out for at least three hours.

Amazing.

You heard about the bedbugs, then?

I've got a live TV show to mix.

If you let me use your flat, I'll give you some cash.

Mm. If you pay my alimony for the month, yeah.

I'll sleep in the bathroom.

You're always wet, Arial!

So wet! Ah!

Ah.

Ah, dear God, Ash!

It's like he's trying to beat it to death.

Ah! Ah!

? Learn the steps for the tap-dancing rap... ?

Ooh. Is this really going on TV?

Yeah, it's live.

Ride the... Mary!

Ouch.

Mary, the spoon is full of sugar!

Give me your sugar, Mary!

How does he... how does he do that?

Hi, is that the STD helpline? Yeah.

I just wanted to ask, do crabs look like actual crabs, or...?

Mary, your sugar! Chim chim cher-oo!

Oh! Oh! Oh! And one, two...

Ooh. Uh-oh. Bah-bam-bam-bam-bam.

'Don't wave at the camera, Dru.'

These shows run off romance and arguments,

so fucking give us something.

Morning, mate.

Oh, fuck you!

What?

I'm angry!

Why?

I think you know why!

There you go.

Seriously, man, I honestly don't.

Has Ash got a girl over?

I don't think so.

Ideally, he should be having sex right now.

Right. I'm gonna go back to bed.

- What? No! - Maybe you should have a lie-down.

Let's have a topless argument. Come on!

Come back and fight like a man, you cock!

Is it cos you're hiding that you're gay or something?

Fucking wanker.

Ash, there's a girl for you!

Yeah, that's more like it. Harder.

Oh, hey, Ash.

Can I... come in?

Yeah. I mean, sure, you can come in. I should put some clothes on.

I think that... is a good look for you.

I was so sure.

About what?

What do you think of girls?

Well, I love all my fans, male and female,

and I just feel really lucky right now to be part of their lives,

with my new single Ready To Blow out on Monday.

Tea?

Sure!

Yo, Jenny.

Good of you to cross over... pop in. Whatever.

I really like your stuff, guys. You are gonna be huge.

Jenny, really random thought.

Why don't you show us your new music video?

Oh, my God. I'd love to, Dru!

Oh! I have it right here on DVD.

No way!

Oh. I need to put my trousers on.

Oh, hey, Stef. I was just saying, my DVD is out on Monday.

What are you doing in our crap flat?

What are you doing in our crap flat? Here we go, Stef.

Are you ready for me to blow?

? Ready to blow

? Wake up in the evening Getting ready to go

? Speed-dial my girlies, grab a beer They can never say no

? Put on my make-up and my eyesies as we turn off the light

? Because e-e-everybody knows Jenny's queen of the night

? I'm rock and roll at heart Music's tearing me apart

? I'm always on my feet Baby, I'm crazy for the beat

? I'm a slave to the floor DJ, turn this track up more

? If you don't have this much swagger

? Your name won't be on the door

? I'm...

? Ready to roll, r-r-ready to roll

? You lock one slot It's about to explode

? Ready to roll, r-r-ready to roll

? Baby, I'm here Sit back and enjoy the show

? Ready to roll, r-r-ready to roll

? You lock one slot Gonna blow your load

? Ready to roll, r-r-ready to roll

? I've got my knickers in a twist, baby, don't you know?

? Go hard or go home Never end it in tears

? Cos we take pleasure in our leisure and our leisure is here

? Yeah, we act like it's our birthday almost every night

? We always party, always dancing till we see the sunshine

? I'm...

? Ready to roll, r-r-ready to roll

? You lock one slot it's about to explode

? Ready to roll, r-r-ready to roll

? Baby, I'm here Sit back and enjoy the show

? Ready to roll, r-r-ready to roll

? You lock one slot Gonna blow your load

? Ready to roll, ready to roll... ?

There you go.

? Got my knickers in a twist... ?

Boom!

Oh!

? Ready to blow

? Yeah

? Blow! Blow! Blow!

? I'm ready to blow. ?

Well, that's the end of that old thing!

We're on TV. No, you're not.

Is that CCTV?

Er... hey, Beasts! Blow you later!

Are we in The Matrix?

Now join Stef and Ash,

whose romance with Jenny is driving fans wild,

and, of course, band leader Dru, as they build up to the release

of their first hit single on Jay Chitole Records.

Why are we on TV?

Let's just try it this way. We'll get food and stuff.

Food and stuff. It's a rock-and-roll dream.

First order of business, you'll have to lip-synch your new single.

But I write our music.

Your single was written in Sweden two days ago

and delivered to me by a demigod who enjoys saunas and athletic sex.

The system works, Stef. Don't fight me on this.

We're gonna launch your single with a live video.

I'm talking fireworks, I'm talking pianos.

I'm gonna force the universe to fall in love with you, >

even if I have to rape every planet in the solar system to get there.

That's how I roll.

We're the Midnight Beast and we're with Chitole Music.

Chitole coming at ya. Watch out.

Well, I read the contract.

You'll be pleased to know I'm no longer allowed to write

or even listen to any music without Chitole's approval.

Don't sweat it. We're stars now.

Yeah, nothing bad happens to famous people.

Pizza girl!

Oh, dear God.

What madness is this?

Jay Chitole.

Yeah, Jay. Look, my pizza's gone wrong.

Page one, bitches. You're stars now. You're dieting.

You've gotta look after yourselves, fat boys.

This is freaking me out, man.

Er... excuse me, Chuckles. I wanna see my boyfriend.

Girlfriends are bad for ratings. Sorry, lady, Stef's single now.

Just let me in.

I advise you to leave.

Hey, Zoe, what's going down?

Sloman, have you gone crazy as well?

Erm... they've asked me to wear this bag on my head

anywhere outside my flat.

Apparently, I'm depressing to look at.

Stef, get out here!

Hi. Hey.

Hello. Which is Stef?

Um... that's me.

Ah, I am Bjorn. I am here to give you a new song.

Take you in the more Swedish direction for your new live video.

Move. Ash, can we have you in the bedroom, please?

We've got shots of your romance with Jenny to cover.

Sweet.

Come, we go studio, ja? I move things.

Time for some Tambourine Marine.

'No Xbox games, Dru.

'We can't get clearance to show it on TV.'

What? Well, what can I play?

'You can watch the Jenny video again.'

No!

Are we gonna do this with the cameras running?

Such a dumbass.

OK, dickhead, do as I say.

Put your hands on my face.

OK, now I'm gonna head-butt you six times.

Move your head, asshole.

Oh, Ash.

You are so masterful.

Ew.

OK, well, that's all I need.

I will see you next week.

Where are you going?

I have a date with my real lover, Joe.

Is that Joe spelt with an E or Jo spelt like the girl's name?

Oh, bite me, Ash.

Yeah, Stef? Something like this?

This is how we do it, dude. Ha-ha.

Yo, yo, yo, to the... heeh-heeh!

Philip, man! I'm happy to see you!

Who the fuck are you, Philip?

? This is how I'm rolling, Philip and the Beast keep bowling... ?

More harpsichord.

? Rolling, Philip and the beast are flowing... ?

Sorry, one sec. Nice to meet you, Philip. In what way are we bowling?

Dru's been voted out. Philip's in.

The beautiful public have decided.

Right.

Er, what vote?

It's standard practice, dude.

The audience vote. They let my boys in.

Yeah, man!

Yeah, but this is where I live.

This is where I keep my sleeping bag.

Check your contract, brother.

That's fucked up, man.

Band rehearsal in five, OK?

If we're gonna be doing a live video together, we need to be tight.

Like Philip tight.

? This is how I'm rolling Philip and the Beast keep bowling

? This is how I'm rolling... ?

Hello? What the fuck does "voted out" mean?

Midnight Beast is now a business.

It's not three children jumping around with a phone.

Votes mean ratings, and ratings mean sales.

'This is my life!'

No, Dru, this is my business.

Pack your bags. You leave tomorrow night.

? Bye-bye, Dru boy This is how I'm rolling

? Mm-mm... ?

Dude, we need to have a band meeting somewhere without these guys

and off-camera.

We've been fucked, fucked, fucked and fucked,

and now it's payback time.

Become the fuckers instead of the fuckees.

Yeah, let's fuck.

With music, not with cocks.

Hm.

Right, Sloman, once we start shooting the live video tomorrow,

we need you to keep us on air. Can you do that?

Happily.

This paper bag is really aggravating my sinuses

and they refuse to give me a fresh one.

Yeah, but can you hijack the live TV feed?

It's easy.

We're gonna interrupt the live feed and hijack it,

piss off the record co...

Sloman?

Works better on.

I'm not sleeping in it.

Chev?

Chevy, wake up! We need our manager back.

I think I've shat myself.

So, remind me, why are we in a car park again?

Don't worry, man. It's a Midnight Beast tradition.

A car park sit, and then the shoot.

Right, Dru?

Right.

Hi, guys.

And who's this guy and why does he...

? Smell of shit? ?

Chevy, meet Philip.

It's nice to meet Philip.

I'd thought you'd get on.

Just feeding the tortoise over here!

Nothing more than that. Nothing weird happening.

Ah, look, 50p.

Oh, no, false alarm.

Coming up soon, live on TV.

The latest video featuring the new line-up of The Midnight Beast.

Oh! I'm warning you!

I did two years stage-fight training at RADA.

Don't make me use it.

Urgh!

Sounds like I'll be in big trouble

if you untie yourself and find a cutlass!

You smell like shit, and I actually enjoy this.

Cheeky.

So, here it is.

The new line-up of the Midnight Beast

with their sexy, sexy new live video.

? We hear the birds around us singing

? We're flying but we don't have wings... ?

What is Fat Boy doing there?

I dunno. I'm trying to sort it out.

? I see you, baby Doing the dance that I saw on the TV

? Doing your dance, I wonder what's going on in your pants

? You know me, baby

? If I sing my song You're bound to recognise me

? And you'll sing along, I wonder what's going on in your thong

? Your heart is mine

? Notice that I'm singing you lines from one of our number ones

? When you get home Then you will know

? Fucking hell! Can you not tell that we're just another boy band

? We'll tear your little sister's heart apart

? We're just a fucking boy band

? You might not like us But we're in the charts

? Don't know if it comes as a big surprise

? I'm the token rapper guy

? I just sing really high I needlessly, randomly improvise

? And when our album flops

? And all the hope around us dies

? I'm the secret weapon that comes out

? And says that he likes kissing guys... ?

What?

? We're just another boy band

? We'll tear your little sister's heart apart

? We're just a fucking boy band

? You might not like us but we're in the charts

? And in a motherfucking boy band

? The girls are underage but we don't care

? And when you throw your panties at a boy band

? After the shows We keep your underwear

? Just like a circle, we're simple yet well known, we're also square

? We find it hard to go out on our own without a problem!

? You got a problem? I'll knock you out, all right?

? But please don't punch me back We've got a photo shoot tonight!

? Boy band

? The girls are underage but we don't care

? And when you throw your panties at a boy band

? After the shows We keep your underwear

? And in a motherfucking boy band

? We live a life being celebrity A-list

? And when you take your chances in a boy band

? You can't say shit Cos shit don't get on the playlist

? We're just another boy band

? Boy band. ?

Just fire them. Fire the lot of them.

Get Little Gay Robot to do it. He loves that shit.

Nice, boys, really nice. I've got a message from Jay Chitole.

Yep?

Yeah.

Yep?

"You're fucking fired, bitches."

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Ha-ha-ha!

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